HUMANS OF AMERICAN ORIGIN  11:43 am June 1, 2012

Hunter Finds Mitt Romney’s Human Diary

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Well done, humanHunter is probably bored over at Daily Kos, don’t you think? He should come write for Wonkette instead, where we pay in Ameros and the finest whore diamonds.

From Mitt Romney’s Human Diary, May 31:

We therefore dispatched a team of staffers to the event in order to shout at them quite rudely, thus showing them who is boss. Upon the suggestion of one particularly crafty staffer, we instructed the staff to attempt to blow bubbles during the event. Our reasoning was simple, but brilliant. Humans like shiny things, so all that would be needed to end all forbidden talk of my record as a state governor was to show them shiny things during the offending presentation. At first we were merely going to jingle keys in front of the audience, entrancing them, but the bubble idea was instantly recognized as superior, as there was the additional possibility that the opposing speakers would get bubble juice in their eyes, thus disabling them.

May 30:

Hello, human diary. It is once again I, Mitt Romney, your better.
Today my campaign released a facsimile of my certificate of live birth. This should satisfactorily resolve all questions as to my human American origins.

It also allows my supporters to continue talking about birth certificates, upon which I shall state that I see no controversy in any birth certificates, but that I am not the human boss of them and cannot stop them from opining on the subject. Speaking of that, my event with Mr. Trump last evening was simultaneously excruciating and uneventful, much like one of Mr. Trump’s television programs.

Come on over, Hunter.

[DailyKos]

 
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{ 103 comments }

Barb June 1, 2012 at 11:45 am

Dear Diary,
Why don't the peons like me?

nounverb911 June 1, 2012 at 11:46 am

I was hoping for Catfish Hunter.

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 11:51 am

Or his nephew, Milf

Blueb4sunrise June 1, 2012 at 11:53 am

HOLLY!!!!!!!!!!!

Baconzgood June 1, 2012 at 11:56 am

THOMPSON LIBEL!!!

hagajim June 1, 2012 at 11:47 am

Dear Diary: Why am I such a stiff snobbish prick?

Barb June 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

Dear Diary,
I like to fire people, just not my son. People don't understand why he gets paid even after my campaign was over. Tagg, you're it!

Chill_Bill June 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

Mittard's diary is written in COBOL.

weejee June 1, 2012 at 11:54 am

Mitt's bizness language is as common as it gets.

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

June 1

Dear Diary,

Today, the bank called to tell me I had an overdraft after buying the nomination.

Once Banker Bob and I stopped laughing, he said he'd call the cabal and have them foot another few millions.

nounverb911 June 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

Didn't the USC fans at UCLA/USC games used to jangle their BMW keys at the other side?

BerkeleyBear June 1, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Still do – and just about everywhere else. Used to be Beemers and above only. Or Gold Cards.

PubOption June 1, 2012 at 12:15 pm

BMW keys were also used as bait to attract girls in bars.

Lascauxcaveman June 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm

When my cousin went to a snooty rich private highschool, and their basketball team was getting their ass kicked by the ghetto highschool team across town, they had a cheer:

"That's alright /
That's OK /
You'll all work for us someday"

12X34X June 1, 2012 at 6:09 pm

In Romney's case it would be, "You'll all be unemployed by us someday"

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 1, 2012 at 4:50 pm

It started in teh 70s, but with coke spoons.

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 11:49 am

Editrix has a crush on this "Hunter" person!

OkieDokieDog June 1, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I have a crush on Hunter too.

Joshua Norton June 1, 2012 at 11:49 am

There's 2 types of people in Mitt World. Him and The Help.

SexySmurf June 1, 2012 at 11:49 am

So that's what Fred Dryer has been up to.

chicken_thief June 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

Needz moar Stepfanie Kramer!!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 1, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I thought he was Xander Crews running mate.

nounverb911 June 1, 2012 at 11:50 am

"Today my campaign released a facsimile of my certificate of live birth. "
Except it was written in Mexican.

MrFizzy June 1, 2012 at 11:50 am

Dear Diary – today I found a small, spherical brown object in my magic underwear. It stunk. I consulted outside sources who indicated the possibility of a turd. This cannot be, as only humans produce such filth.

nounverb911 June 1, 2012 at 11:52 am

If he gold plates them they could become the basis of a new religion.

MrFizzy June 1, 2012 at 11:52 am

LOL

ManchuCandidate June 1, 2012 at 11:51 am

It's a lie. Mittens diary is written in binary.

nounverb911 June 1, 2012 at 11:54 am

01001101 01101001 01110100 01110100 00100000 01110010 01101111 01101101 01101110 01100101 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101110 01101111 01101111 01100010 00101110.

Baconzgood June 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

DOS LIBEL!!!!!

Jus_Wonderin June 1, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Isn't he feed punch cards repeatedly? And a note of caution: don't drop a tray of punched cards in the dorm hall. It is hell figuring out how to get them back in the correct order.

MissTaken June 1, 2012 at 11:51 am

Ah, so Mitt is not a robot, but rather a tween girl.

Dear Diary,
I wonder if Justin Beiber likes bubbles, too?
Smooches!
Mrs. Mitt Beiber

Oblios_Cap June 1, 2012 at 11:51 am

Willard 2.0 is a real Amercian!

C_R_Eature June 1, 2012 at 11:51 am

It took a long time for the linguistic team to translate the text, but after they found the title said To Serve Man, it was easy.

Boojum June 1, 2012 at 11:51 am

I love Mitt Romney's human diary. I just wish Mitt Romney was human.

Blueb4sunrise June 1, 2012 at 11:51 am

Related:
Az. S. of S. Bennett not going full birther re: Romney
http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics

Designer_Radio June 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Translation of Bennet's "reasoning": "Mitt Romney? He's not black."

weejee June 1, 2012 at 11:52 am

A bony Moroni indeed.

C_R_Eature June 1, 2012 at 11:52 am

Dear Diary:

Didn't get much sleep last night. Kept dreaming of electric sheep.

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

"You see a poor person receiving a paycheck drawn on an Amercian bank…"

Baconzgood June 1, 2012 at 11:59 am

Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about… your mother.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 1, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Romney: "Which one?"

NYNYNYjr June 2, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Dear Diary,
Had that dream about the unicorn again. How much longer do I have to live? My revenge on the humans would only cause them to fear us more…Maybe I should give up on this election and run away with Sean Young.

niblick77 June 1, 2012 at 11:53 am

Dear diary, Why did the boy cry when I cut his hair while the others beat him up? Didn't he know I was only doing what was best for him?

el_donaldo June 1, 2012 at 11:53 am

I'm not sure I'm buying this Romney as an American-born human shtick. I bet it says "hecho en Mexico" on his undercarriage, just like Bender.

edgydrifter June 1, 2012 at 11:54 am

I've got a hunch where Mittron's laser printer exit port is, but I hope I'm wrong.

noodlesalad June 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

Wouldn't Romney's diary be written in a submissive tone, knowing that the future Romney who reads it will undoubtedly have the latest upgrades and software patches?

Andrew Drinker June 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

What in the Sam Hill did I just read?

Baconzgood June 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

If Hunter wants to come to Wonkette he's got to hone his Butt Secks references. We got pretty high standards here.

prommie June 1, 2012 at 12:04 pm

This is an ass-fucking blog, as it once was under the Goddess Ana Cox (the name screams buttsex) and shall be again when there is justice in the world and I am put in charge, and let the retards and faggots fall where they may!

Baconzgood June 1, 2012 at 12:08 pm

pommie/Butt Secks Jokes 2012

chicken_thief June 1, 2012 at 12:11 pm

How'd you slip the "R" word in there?!!!!

prommie June 1, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I purchased an indulgence.

Jus_Wonderin June 1, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Isn't there a Groupon for that?

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Someone bought the "Executive Poster" upgrade.

C_R_Eature June 1, 2012 at 12:25 pm

My Standards consist of Rum, Sodomy and the Lash.

prommie June 1, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Pogues Libel!

C_R_Eature June 1, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Eh, so I dropped a button in the plate and spewed up in the church, so what?

chicken_thief June 1, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Is "standards" necessary in the second sentence?!

sullivanst June 1, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Also, balls.

SorosBot June 1, 2012 at 11:56 am

Some robots, like Data and both the second and Summer Glau Terminators, managed to learn to understand human emotions; but Mitt lacks such sophisticated programming.

C_R_Eature June 1, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Some robots understand all too well.

sullivanst June 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Ugh. Silly movie. The TV version of Marvin was much better… plus, how come a $50 million movie failed to give Zaphod the correct number of heads when BBC2 managed just fine in 1981?

C_R_Eature June 1, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Aargh, I knew I should have used the British serial! Geeks.

I know! All the extravagant CGI work in that movie and one crummy two-headed scene! And, with all the possible material, why write in the extended Humma Kavula character? Urhg.

fuflans June 1, 2012 at 12:20 pm

i prefer river tam myself.

SorosBot June 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

But she's not a robot, just a fucked-up human! Still Summer Glau is always appreciated.

SexySmurf June 1, 2012 at 11:56 am

You know who else had a forged diary?

C_R_Eature June 1, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Glen Beck?

nounverb911 June 1, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Some wimpy kid?

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Franne Ank?

chicken_thief June 1, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Marilyn Monroe?

Chichikovovich June 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Turner?

Lascauxcaveman June 1, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Iron Man?

(Think about it.)

prommie June 1, 2012 at 11:56 am

Rielle Hunter? She's moved on to Romney now?

Tommmcattt June 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

ew.

prommie June 1, 2012 at 12:05 pm

You're back! Yayyyyyyyy!

Tommmcattt June 1, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I never really leave, I just take vacations.

Baconzgood June 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

NOOOOOO! I was hoping to score with her. I guess I'll have to wait for the rebound.

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Don't sweat it. With a name like "Hunter," he's probably gay.

Tommmcattt June 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

He's still not as lifelike as the Ron Paul model. That one makes old man sounds.

Designer_Radio June 1, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Yeah, but the eyebrow modules need an upgrade.

valthemus June 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

"Today my campaign released a facsimile of my certificate of live birth."

It said "No."

freakishlywrong June 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

Lying liars don't keep diaries. Tracks. They forget about the tubez and the video and such though.

Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢ June 1, 2012 at 12:00 pm

There's a shortage of fapping in this personal history. Do robots twaddle their nether regions?

SayItWithWookies June 1, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Dear Human Diary —

I had an awkward moment with some of my staffers this afternoon — we were on our way to an event and two of my underlings engaged in casual banter about their favorite musical organizations, and which forms of their output were superior. Attempting to engage them, I suggested that either of their favorite musical output varieties were inferior to that which we were presently listening to. Unfortunately it so happens that we were stuck in traffic and were being serenaded with the sonorous tones of a jackhammer. I believe I was able to successfully change the subject, but they still look at me strangely.

Jus_Wonderin June 1, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I bet his programming made it almost impossible to stay in the vehicle and NOT jump out to hump the jackhammer.

LettucePrey June 1, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Dear Diary,

I don't understand it. Why can't poor people just buy more money?

Luvs, Mittens

freakishlywrong June 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Or borrow it from their parents?

freakishlywrong June 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Also vesuvulas. And bubbles. Bubbles that are just the right height.

fuflans June 1, 2012 at 12:21 pm

this is nice antidote to the mitt camp gloating over the job numbers.

seriously, i thought i was going to barf this am.

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 12:24 pm

What did they say? 69,000 jobs were created in the past month?

Slackers! Mitt's fired way more than that in a WEEK!

fuflans June 1, 2012 at 12:34 pm

you know the drill: analysts were expecting more, this president has failed, only the mittbot knows how to fix the future.

blech.

Callyson June 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Dear Diary,

Which boring, dull, right wing but not obviously enough so to freak out the mushy middle Reep should I pick for Veep? Decisions, decisions…

prommie June 1, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Please make it Jindal, please make it Jindal. . . .

12X34X June 1, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Ted Nugent – to get the drooling homicidal archery fanatic vote.

Sharkey June 1, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Dear Diary,

You have 9 important updates to install. You may need to be restarted.

Would you like to install the updates now?

Love,
Willard

sullivanst June 1, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I like the closing paragraph:

Unfortunately, not all battles went in our favor today. I learned from my staff that the newest ad by Karl Rove, an ally, mentioned the wrong closed company when attacking closed companies on my behalf. He meant to attack a closed company supported by my opponent; instead, the advertisement incorrectly attacked a closed company that I myself had supported. This was tremendously awkward, and is yet another example of the undue burden placed on my campaign by the artificial wall between myself and my allied Super PAC units.

Its style brings to mind a headline from The Onion, "You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Sports Team From My Area Defeats The Sports Team From Your Area"

BarackMyWorld June 1, 2012 at 12:27 pm
actor212 June 1, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Where's Waldo?

actor212 June 1, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Mitt Romney’s Human Diary

All due respect, Editrix, but shouldn't this be called "Activity.log" or "ActivityLog.txt"?

fuflans June 1, 2012 at 12:35 pm

george clooney sure comes from nice stock doesn't he?

ttommyunger June 1, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Is this diary inscribed on gold plates? Inquiring minds want to know.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 1, 2012 at 5:20 pm

One humanoid escapee
One android on the run
Seeking freedom beneath a lonely desert sun

Trying to change its program
Trying to change the mode…crack the code
Images conflicting into data overload

[Chorus:]
1 0 0 1 0 0 1
SOS
1 0 0 1 0 0 1
In distress
1 0 0 1 0 0

Rush: "The Body Electric"

NYNYNYjr June 2, 2012 at 11:27 pm

What an interesting name! There were both Albigensian heretics and Waldensian (followers of Peter Waldo) heretics. I would say it was a joke name, but chances are the parents were just extremely anti-catholic.

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