humans of american origin

Hunter Finds Mitt Romney’s Human Diary

Well done, humanHunter is probably bored over at Daily Kos, don’t you think? He should come write for Wonkette instead, where we pay in Ameros and the finest whore diamonds.

From Mitt Romney’s Human Diary, May 31:

We therefore dispatched a team of staffers to the event in order to shout at them quite rudely, thus showing them who is boss. Upon the suggestion of one particularly crafty staffer, we instructed the staff to attempt to blow bubbles during the event. Our reasoning was simple, but brilliant. Humans like shiny things, so all that would be needed to end all forbidden talk of my record as a state governor was to show them shiny things during the offending presentation. At first we were merely going to jingle keys in front of the audience, entrancing them, but the bubble idea was instantly recognized as superior, as there was the additional possibility that the opposing speakers would get bubble juice in their eyes, thus disabling them.

May 30:

Hello, human diary. It is once again I, Mitt Romney, your better.
Today my campaign released a facsimile of my certificate of live birth. This should satisfactorily resolve all questions as to my human American origins.

It also allows my supporters to continue talking about birth certificates, upon which I shall state that I see no controversy in any birth certificates, but that I am not the human boss of them and cannot stop them from opining on the subject. Speaking of that, my event with Mr. Trump last evening was simultaneously excruciating and uneventful, much like one of Mr. Trump’s television programs.

Come on over, Hunter.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. Barb

    Dear Diary,
    I like to fire people, just not my son. People don't understand why he gets paid even after my campaign was over. Tagg, you're it!

  2. actor212

    June 1

    Dear Diary,

    Today, the bank called to tell me I had an overdraft after buying the nomination.

    Once Banker Bob and I stopped laughing, he said he'd call the cabal and have them foot another few millions.

  3. nounverb911

    Didn't the USC fans at UCLA/USC games used to jangle their BMW keys at the other side?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Still do – and just about everywhere else. Used to be Beemers and above only. Or Gold Cards.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      When my cousin went to a snooty rich private highschool, and their basketball team was getting their ass kicked by the ghetto highschool team across town, they had a cheer:

      "That's alright /
      That's OK /
      You'll all work for us someday"

  4. nounverb911

    "Today my campaign released a facsimile of my certificate of live birth. "
    Except it was written in Mexican.

  5. MrFizzy

    Dear Diary – today I found a small, spherical brown object in my magic underwear. It stunk. I consulted outside sources who indicated the possibility of a turd. This cannot be, as only humans produce such filth.

    1. nounverb911

      01001101 01101001 01110100 01110100 00100000 01110010 01101111 01101101 01101110 01100101 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101110 01101111 01101111 01100010 00101110.

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      Isn't he feed punch cards repeatedly? And a note of caution: don't drop a tray of punched cards in the dorm hall. It is hell figuring out how to get them back in the correct order.

  6. MissTaken

    Ah, so Mitt is not a robot, but rather a tween girl.

    Dear Diary,
    I wonder if Justin Beiber likes bubbles, too?
    Mrs. Mitt Beiber

  7. C_R_Eature

    It took a long time for the linguistic team to translate the text, but after they found the title said To Serve Man, it was easy.

    1. Baconzgood

      Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about… your mother.

      1. NYNYNYjr

        Dear Diary,
        Had that dream about the unicorn again. How much longer do I have to live? My revenge on the humans would only cause them to fear us more…Maybe I should give up on this election and run away with Sean Young.

  8. niblick77

    Dear diary, Why did the boy cry when I cut his hair while the others beat him up? Didn't he know I was only doing what was best for him?

  9. el_donaldo

    I'm not sure I'm buying this Romney as an American-born human shtick. I bet it says "hecho en Mexico" on his undercarriage, just like Bender.

  10. edgydrifter

    I've got a hunch where Mittron's laser printer exit port is, but I hope I'm wrong.

  11. noodlesalad

    Wouldn't Romney's diary be written in a submissive tone, knowing that the future Romney who reads it will undoubtedly have the latest upgrades and software patches?

  12. Baconzgood

    If Hunter wants to come to Wonkette he's got to hone his Butt Secks references. We got pretty high standards here.

    1. prommie

      This is an ass-fucking blog, as it once was under the Goddess Ana Cox (the name screams buttsex) and shall be again when there is justice in the world and I am put in charge, and let the retards and faggots fall where they may!

  13. SorosBot

    Some robots, like Data and both the second and Summer Glau Terminators, managed to learn to understand human emotions; but Mitt lacks such sophisticated programming.

      1. sullivanst

        Ugh. Silly movie. The TV version of Marvin was much better… plus, how come a $50 million movie failed to give Zaphod the correct number of heads when BBC2 managed just fine in 1981?

        1. C_R_Eature

          Aargh, I knew I should have used the British serial! Geeks.

          I know! All the extravagant CGI work in that movie and one crummy two-headed scene! And, with all the possible material, why write in the extended Humma Kavula character? Urhg.

      1. SorosBot

        But she's not a robot, just a fucked-up human! Still Summer Glau is always appreciated.

  14. Baconzgood

    NOOOOOO! I was hoping to score with her. I guess I'll have to wait for the rebound.

  15. freakishlywrong

    Lying liars don't keep diaries. Tracks. They forget about the tubez and the video and such though.

  16. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    There's a shortage of fapping in this personal history. Do robots twaddle their nether regions?

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Dear Human Diary —

    I had an awkward moment with some of my staffers this afternoon — we were on our way to an event and two of my underlings engaged in casual banter about their favorite musical organizations, and which forms of their output were superior. Attempting to engage them, I suggested that either of their favorite musical output varieties were inferior to that which we were presently listening to. Unfortunately it so happens that we were stuck in traffic and were being serenaded with the sonorous tones of a jackhammer. I believe I was able to successfully change the subject, but they still look at me strangely.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I bet his programming made it almost impossible to stay in the vehicle and NOT jump out to hump the jackhammer.

  18. LettucePrey

    Dear Diary,

    I don't understand it. Why can't poor people just buy more money?

    Luvs, Mittens

  19. fuflans

    this is nice antidote to the mitt camp gloating over the job numbers.

    seriously, i thought i was going to barf this am.

      1. fuflans

        you know the drill: analysts were expecting more, this president has failed, only the mittbot knows how to fix the future.


  20. Callyson

    Dear Diary,

    Which boring, dull, right wing but not obviously enough so to freak out the mushy middle Reep should I pick for Veep? Decisions, decisions…

  21. Sharkey

    Dear Diary,

    You have 9 important updates to install. You may need to be restarted.

    Would you like to install the updates now?


  22. sullivanst

    I like the closing paragraph:

    Unfortunately, not all battles went in our favor today. I learned from my staff that the newest ad by Karl Rove, an ally, mentioned the wrong closed company when attacking closed companies on my behalf. He meant to attack a closed company supported by my opponent; instead, the advertisement incorrectly attacked a closed company that I myself had supported. This was tremendously awkward, and is yet another example of the undue burden placed on my campaign by the artificial wall between myself and my allied Super PAC units.

    Its style brings to mind a headline from The Onion, "You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Sports Team From My Area Defeats The Sports Team From Your Area"

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    One humanoid escapee
    One android on the run
    Seeking freedom beneath a lonely desert sun

    Trying to change its program
    Trying to change the mode…crack the code
    Images conflicting into data overload

    1 0 0 1 0 0 1
    1 0 0 1 0 0 1
    In distress
    1 0 0 1 0 0

    Rush: "The Body Electric"

  24. NYNYNYjr

    What an interesting name! There were both Albigensian heretics and Waldensian (followers of Peter Waldo) heretics. I would say it was a joke name, but chances are the parents were just extremely anti-catholic.

Comments are closed.