From Mitt Romney’s Human Diary, May 31:
We therefore dispatched a team of staffers to the event in order to shout at them quite rudely, thus showing them who is boss. Upon the suggestion of one particularly crafty staffer, we instructed the staff to attempt to blow bubbles during the event. Our reasoning was simple, but brilliant. Humans like shiny things, so all that would be needed to end all forbidden talk of my record as a state governor was to show them shiny things during the offending presentation. At first we were merely going to jingle keys in front of the audience, entrancing them, but the bubble idea was instantly recognized as superior, as there was the additional possibility that the opposing speakers would get bubble juice in their eyes, thus disabling them.
Hello, human diary. It is once again I, Mitt Romney, your better.
Today my campaign released a facsimile of my certificate of live birth. This should satisfactorily resolve all questions as to my human American origins.
It also allows my supporters to continue talking about birth certificates, upon which I shall state that I see no controversy in any birth certificates, but that I am not the human boss of them and cannot stop them from opining on the subject. Speaking of that, my event with Mr. Trump last evening was simultaneously excruciating and uneventful, much like one of Mr. Trump’s television programs.
Come on over, Hunter.