paranoia will destroy ya

Romney Campaign Starting To Get Weird

Amercia!You guys, we are starting to worry about the Mitt Romney campaign. They seem to be getting a little paranoid, like they’ve maybe read one too many email forwards from Glenn Beck. The event was a double-secret press conference at the solar energy company Solyndra — “double-secret,” obviously, because if the President’s vast army of drones found out about it, they would be surrounded by black UN helicopters and herded onto FEMA trains.

The Thursday visit was kept a tight secret by the Romney campaign, which told reporters they needed to travel in a campaign bus to an undisclosed location.

A Romney adviser said the campaign had concealed the event location for fear the Obama administration would somehow prevent them from staging it. [...]

Really, Romney advisor? Like how? Maybe they would have some of their staffers show up and blow bubbles and vuvuzelas in a big Brooks Brothers/Burning Man party? Oh haha no, that is what you did yesterday! So is it something more sinister? (It is something more sinister!)

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During his news conference, Romney alluded to protests organized by Democratic activists that have disrupted several previous campaign events, and said his campaign had wanted to head off any efforts by his rivals to keep him from speaking.

OH RIGHT. You were afraid black people would show up and call Romney “garbage.” But of course if you said you were afraid of protesters, that would sound silly. So it is much better to be afraid that the President himself is out to get you, using his network of flying monkeys and city zoning boards to deny you your basic right to hold a press conference. Tell us more, TPM:

Reporters raised the question of how this devious plot to derail the event would work, given that the freedom to hold a press conference in public is a fairly basic right.

“Well, he’s only the president of the United States,” the adviser replied. “I mean, they could work with town officials to deny us access.”

#Fail, Romney advisor. You can either own up to being afraid of blahs and Bay Area hippies, or you can sound like Nixon’s Ghost on a Bender. Nobody liked drunk, paranoid, End of Days Nixon, wandering the East Wing hallways muttering about enemies and Jews.

[CNN/TPM]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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149 comments

  1. Barb

    He should have waited until today to go. We'd all be out at the casinos squandering our food stamps, disability checks, welfare checks, and social security checks in celebration of the first of the month.

    1. actor212

      You get yours by the first?

      Damn SorosExpress! They don't deliver mine until the fifth!

      But thinking bout it, you're right: a bunch of people would have headed over to disrupt things, especially if they were short on their quotas for the month.

      1. Barb

        Direct deposit, Baby!

        I read something funny last night. Romney is flaunting his Mexican heritage to the Hispanic population, aka "Hispandering."

        1. WunkRocker

          BIRF CETIFUCKATE!!!!!
          <ahem>
          Hey, Hopey is all keen on predator drone strikes. And these arse monkeys say enough that is treasonous… Bring the drones home and protect Fortress Amercia! The battle begins in Tampa!

          1. WunkRocker

            My parents are olds,( living outside of Tampa. They believe the preezy is a secret muzlin and have issues with Romnoid because of his majik underoos.) The parenthetical part is redundant. Also.

          2. glamourdammerung

            The funny thing is that all of the olds in my in-laws family are either not going to show up or more likely vote for President Obama due to the whole "torturing the family pet like a serial killer" thing. Apparently I am not alone in my stance that no one that acts like a serial killer should have access to nukes.

      2. M. Bouffant

        Only reason we gots our munnies today is the third's on Sunday, & the gummint don't want Mistah Doctah Landlord to have to wait 'til Monday fo' his pound of flesh.

  2. Limeylizzie

    Come on Wonketteers, let's show up in our magic underwear and fling poo, next time Mittens speaks.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Thanks, LL.
          In fairness, it's almost impossible to find quality undergarments with 8 leg openings.

          1. glamourdammerung

            In fairness, it's almost impossible to find quality undergarments with 8 leg openings.

            Especially when five of the legs are on one side?

        1. C_R_Eature

          Reading all the responses, It looks as if you're the only one here who wears underwear.

          I think that what the Romney campaign really needs is to be followed by a
          Green Man.

          1. actor212

            Maybe that's the natural balance of things.

            Maybe there's an equilibrium of underwearing, and for each one of us that go commando, Bot here wears a pair of underwear for them.

            Must get awfully warm in the summer.

          2. WunkRocker

            All you guys are poseur wonketteers. Look at the new Cat Lady logo. I have on vinyl underoos and nipple clamps.

          3. WunkRocker

            If I can get my Mistress to brown shower me right before hand. I might need a ride. Can you assist? …could be a slight mess.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Oh good lord Lizzie, come on now, I am not about to start wearing underwear for Mitt Romney. But otherwise, I'm in.

      1. actor212

        Show up anyway. We can call ourselves "Commandoes for Romney." Bet we get invited onto the podium, then we can moon and flash the audience.

    2. Barb

      The only thing magic about my unders is that they disappeared last night and I can't find them.

  3. Terry

    "ROMNEY CAMPAIGN STARTING TO GET WEIRD"

    Starting? Where have you been for the last year or so?

  4. Come here a minute

    Mitt Romney just needs to kneel down in prayer with Henry Kissinger and everything will be hunky-dory again.

    1. sewollef

      On the Google.

      So old school.

      I read it on the Flipboard app thingie for iPad, with my favourite kittie by my side.

  5. SorosBot

    Obama has been taking lessons from George H. W. Bush and his plans to interrupt Ross Perot's daughter's wedding!

  6. Joshua Norton

    Well, he’s only the president of the United States,” the adviser replied. “I mean, they could work with town officials to deny us access

    The mind of a a Romney-ite is an amazing thing. It works as if one was to stick the Official Neocon Dictionary in a shredder and then paste up random strips of paper until one ran out of mucilage. Word salad doesn’t even *begin* to describe it.

    1. actor212

      He's the President of Amercia, Mitt. He could shoot your plane down if he wanted to. Maybe you should take off your girl-panties and man up.

    2. sewollef

      Sounds like how the lyrics to Moonage Daydream were constructed.

      But without the drugs and make up.

      Ok, ok, with the make up.

  7. freakishlywrong

    The Romney campaign has always been deeply weird. Since the nearly 90 years ago when he first started running. (Is it me, or has this fucker been around foreva?)

  8. Schmannnity

    If Romney is elected, get ready for a four-year replay of "if you criticize the President, you are only helping the terrorists and the enemies of America."

    1. Chichikovovich

      "if you criticize the President Commander in Chief, with our troops in harms way, you are only helping the terrorists and the enemies of America."

    2. fuflans

      please don't put these words together:

      'romney' and 'is' and 'elected'.

      unless you also include 'never', 'going' and 'to be'.

      thx.

    1. sewollef

      G. Gordon is one serious wackjob. He should be locked up for his and our safety. How he ended up on the radio is beyond me, but then this is America.

      And Glenn Beck is on radio and a doofus like Mittens can run for El Presidente, so I guess anything is possible in this great land!

    1. Schmannnity

      I sure hope Ahmadinejad and Putin have only kind words for Mitt. I'd hate for him to wet his magic underwear.

      1. Terry

        Putin won't have to speak a word to make Mitt wet himself. Putin will just remove his shirt and flex.

    2. actor212

      Right? I mean, imagine a President like this when the Zombie Apocalypse happens!

      I want a President who's going to pick up an M-16 and stand on top of a pile of zombies, chomping on a cigar and firing at the horde climbing up the White House lawn, not this candy-ass wimp!

      1. Judith_Priest

        Yes! And next to him on the pile of zombies, firing for all she's worth, the FLOTUS!

        Michelle was born for that role.
        Ann Romney would be devoured in the first five minutes of the action. She'd be the idiot who ran back to look for her dolly (or horsie) in the zombie-infested building.

        1. actor212

          Oh man, I see Michelle wearing a blah tank top and a blah headband and blah Daisy Dukes, with knives strapped to her thighs and two maces strapped across her back and a pair of submachine guns spitting fire and–

          I'll be in my bunk!

          1. Judith_Priest

            I think we have a couple of dueling images for our campaign poster:

            Michelle & Barack fight off zombie apocalypse single-handedly with mighty (and intelligently-planned) arsenal

            vs.

            Mitt and Ann swat zombies with their embroidered hankies

  9. chascates

    Any time you see a Romney for President sign or sticker please write 'Hugh' in front of Romney. Hugh Romney, aka Wavy Gravy.

  10. OneDollarJuana

    On the other hand, it's June 1, and Washingtonians can now buy liquor in the grocery store, just like civilized people.

    Let's see: eggs, bread, milk, fifth of Jack. We're good!

        1. SorosBot

          Shouldn't that be "Washington Staters" to avoid confusion with the important Washington then?

          1. OldWhiteLies

            NAH, Washington DCers just need to start using their full name. It is just another example of the bubble DCers have been in since – hell since forever nearly. We over here had to start adding "state" to our name out of frustrated necessity.

            Just sayin.

    1. fartknocker

      I envy ye Washingtonians. We here in Texas must purchase fine bourbon from a purveyor whose only business is the storage and sale of distilled spirits. I find it fascinating that when I make business trips to San Diego that I can go to a store named Ralph and purchase soup, eggs, bacon and whiskey at the same establishment. Liquor laws are pretty stupid and varied across America.

      1. Judith_Priest

        This is what Mr. Priest, an Ohio transplant, loves the very most about California living! You can buy Balvenie Doublewood at the grocery store.

        And it's "Ralph's", God bless 'em. Also Von's, Albertson's, Pavilions, etc. In my favorite store the heavy-duty booze is right next to the butter and yogurt aisle.

    2. OldWhiteLies

      Careful. This whole buy booze in grocery stores thing here has done some jerb killing. So it must be with appropriate humility that we exercise our new found ease of booze buying.

      But still and all … if you notice a 6 ft, 14 stone, 50ish redhead guy in a grocery store, silently weeping with joy and awe while slowly panning the newly stocked entire aisle of booze, that'll be me.

      CHEERS FELLOW WASHINGTONIANS!

      1. Mumbletypeg

        This whole buy booze in grocery stores thing here has done some jerb killing.

        Fisting because, yeah. Often the price paid for convenience of shopping leads to a death knell for the smaller providers (of employment to some; of product and often solid knowledge of product/ competency in staffing & managing & knowing one's customer base).
        Liquor regulation varies state-to-state, true, but for another example: long after CVS or WalMart started offering photo development, I kept taking my film to the local photo shop — it helped they kept multiple locations running, the staff at the downtown one got to know me — and there's no price to quote on the added value of that, or of seeing folks doing a job they loved; and no way to tell if we'll get that back having gone whole hog for the luxury of "convenience."

    3. HippieEsq

      Meh….when I can can fill my weed RX at the 24-hour CVS in DuPont, then I'll celebrate.

    4. UW8316154

      Hooray! Except for the fact that now our booze costs alot more than it did yesterday. Freemarket Fail.

    5. BerkeleyBear

      All of unbaked Portland gives our neighbors to the north the finger. (The baked portion is still inhaling Cheetos dust from the munchies attack).

      I've never lived anywhere with this weird 2 locations for different kinds of alcohol setup. Especially mind blowing to me was how the grocery stores stock all the goodies to make cocktails but no alcohol – and the liquor stores shut down at 7 or something ridiculous, so you can't just make a booze run when it is convenient. It was almost as horrible a discovery as when I found out Indiana still had a Sunday blue law for buying booze retail (you can get shit faced in a bar or restaurant, or even a wine tasting room, but fuck you if you want a six pack to watch the NFL).

      In its limited defense, though, the selection in the OLCC licensed stores is pretty amazing.

  11. C_R_Eature

    "Starting to"?

    I saw Hunter S. Thompson on tour, in a bar, many Moons ago during Gulf War #1. He showed up late (of course) drunk on Crown Royal, brandishing a prank hammer with an electronic chip that sounded like breaking glass when he whacked things or people.
    He read excerpts from Revelations about how we were all Doomed and took questions from the audience.
    When I got hold of the mike I asked him "If America Got Normal during the Reagan Administration, is it time for America to Get Weird now?" (hey, I was pretty drunk at the time – that's the best I could muster).
    Thompson looked at me open-mouthed, in Fear and Loathing, and shouted "GET Weird?!", then launched into a tirade on how hardcore Weird the Reagan years were.

    So: GET Weird?! Just when the hell was this campaign ever Normal?

  12. Mumbletypeg

    TAGGED: PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA

    "Well I fell asleep/ Then I woke
    Feelin' kinda queer
    something something can't remember
    Said 'ooh, you look so *weird,*
    …There really must be something wrong with you.
    One of these days, you're gonna self-destruct'." ♫

    I recall, as a young teenager, sort-of falling in love with Ray Davies after hearing him sing-speak this for the first time.

      1. thebeatgoeson

        Haven't listened to that in years…should I whip out the vinyl or make the itunes purchase?!

        1. C_R_Eature

          I think they did a fine job with the digital translation, but then I'm no Vinyl Snob. But, can't you do both?

  13. oldedinvn

    What the fuck do you mean starting to get weird. In 3 grafs or less, tell me what you consider weird.

  14. Billmatic

    Mitt has to court the Tin Foil Hat demographic hard these days, they already think he's some kind of shape shifting alien from a binary world but he's better than the other shape shifting alien we've got.

  15. prommie

    Didn't someone once say that when the going gets wierd, the wierd turn pro? Or go commando? Anyway, thats some Catch, probably the best there is.

    1. Judith_Priest

      It's "weird", not "wierd" … unless you're the Romney campaign.

      And it was Hunter S. Thompson who said that, FSM rest his soul.

      1. prommie

        hey, its not after C, and its not "neighbor" or "weigh," so fuck "weird," I am not memorizing any more exceptions.

        1. Judith_Priest

          Allow me to further mess with your mind re mnemonic for other common exceptions:

          "Weird height and foreign leisure
          Neither seize nor forfeit either."

          Plus it's just good advice.

  16. freakishlywrong

    Fake-heckling the AXE yesterday was a deft touch though. Here we go, right back to the Summer of Hate. "We are currently hating gays, will move to "illegals" shortly and pivot to Muslins just in time for the convention. We always hate the poors and the blahs."

  17. HippieEsq

    I didn't realize Obama and the democrats were the new incarnation of the Mexican PRI. Those oppressive bastards!

  18. prommie

    How could noone mention the most famous HST quote, fuck, when the post mentions weird, and Nixon? Fucking lame ass motherfuckers up in this shit. I mean that was just wide-open, easy access, tee-ed up and ready to slam.

  19. fartknocker

    I just saw my first Romney yard sign down here in south Austin today. It's very pretty and very American but upon closer examination, it appears that it was printed in China. I can't wait to watch the quality of teevee ads that $700 million will buy between now and November. Oh, and I'm sure the robo-calls will be equally entertaining and informative.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      If you can get a pic of the made in china logo, hay will be made with it. Not making campaign shit in the US, while running on job creation, sells itself.

  20. randcoolcatdaddy

    Sounds like an overdose of Amercia to me. Don't worry – just breath deeply and keep calm. The jitters and spiders crawling on your skin will stop shortly.

  21. Wilcoxyz

    Remember just a couple years back when conservatives were advocating/defending folks bringing guns to Obamacare town halls. For safety. Good times.

  22. comrad_darkness

    Well, he’s only the president of the United States,” the adviser replied.
    I smell a future national security advisor . . .

  23. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Has election-year depression got you down? Feeling the blues because your candidate must prove himself to Teatards and other assorted White People? There's a clinical solution, and that's prescription Amercia™.

    Side effects include Mormonism, and suicidal thoughts. Do not take Amercia™ with caffeine.

  24. dijetlo

    It's a virus, just crank up the defunking tool the manufacturer gave you, reload the latest defs, back up the registry and the checkpoints on the hard drive and reboot the whiny bitch. If he's still acting strange, restore him to the point at which he told Newt Gingrich that they were all corporate bought whores and reload differential back-ups betwixt here and there.
    If you'd built the fucking OS on a Slackware Kernel, your fucking Mittbot wouldn't be the butt of every script kiddy joke on 4chan.

  25. iburl

    “Well, he’s only the president of the United States,” the adviser replied. “I mean, they could work with town officials to deny us access.”

    A nice insight into how the Romney campaign sees the power of the presidency.

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Very good insight… Back during my brief stint in local politics a newly elected person on the township committee told me he was taking some sort of course on Municipal government. I asked him why (given that in our township the only thing that ever came up was runoff problems) and he said "so I can find out what I can legally get away with".

      And he turned out to be a major league jerk.

    2. glamourdammerung

      A nice insight into how the Romney campaign sees the power of the presidency.

      Well, it does fit into the whole "theodemocracy" thing.

  26. OneYieldRegular

    Mitt and his people really don't understand the first thing about human beings, do they.

  27. niblick77

    Mitt is just afraid of the COMMON man! (I won't even tell you what he thinks about women.)

  28. prommie

    Hey, OT, but I just figured out why my co-workers all go around fretting and talking and holding conferences about irrelevant concerns that don't matter and ain't ever gonna happen anyway, based on some day-dreamed up ignorance-based daydreaming!

    Its because its way easier solving fake, made-up, illusionary problems, than it is solving the real problems.

    Took me 25 years into my working career to figure this shit out. No wonder I am such a fucking loser.

  29. BerkeleyBear

    Anyone remember when Axelrod said they'd highlight how weird Romney is, and Romney's people claimed it was a Mormon slam? Guess he might have had a clue about something, huh?

  30. fuflans

    today we all wander the East Wing hallways muttering about enemies and Jews.

    and sometimes ts eliot.

  31. SayItWithWookies

    Mitt's just hearkening back to the days when his religion was under seige by a nation that regarded it as alien and repressed it heavily, which itself hearkens back to the days when Christianity was so regarded — you know, like one thousand seven hundred years ago.

    Though for someone worth a quarter of a billion dollars and running as a representative of the world's richest assholes to pretend he's repressed and running an underground campaign that's running from The Man — well — that's just a little projection, in case you're wondering what dissent might look like under a Romney administration.

  32. valthemus

    "Certainly I will get into a bus and be driven to an unknown location at the behest of paranoid, right-wing nutters."

    I'm guessing not one of those reporters was black.

  33. EloquentScience

    "Somerville Mayor Joe Curtatone mocked the the Romney campaign's efforts. "Thank you for the bubbles," Curtatone said. "It's a hell of a lot better than the smoke Mitt Romney blew at us ten years ago and that he's blowing across America!""

    Oh, SNAP!

  34. imissopus

    Jon Chait had a good piece the other day about why Romney is sticking with Donald Trump, and it's pretty clear the Romney campaign has been taken over by paranoid anger balls who listen to way too much Faux News and right-wing radio. Chait has a link to a good profile of Eric "Etch-A-Sketch" Fehrnstrom, who sounds like Karl Rove without the subtlety. Christ, is 10:30 in the morning too early to start drinking?

  35. ttommyunger

    Mittens is not introspective enough to ever realize that Barry wants him to open his pie-hole at every possible event. Romney's tongue is Barry's secret weapon, my friend.

  36. TribecaMike

    Per the request of GOP elder GHW Bush, Romney's first act as president will be to rename the country Amer-C.I.A.

  37. glamourdammerung

    At first, I thought it was really pathetic of Romney to be this afraid of imaginary "Obama goons". Then, I remember that this is the same clown that can not even stand up to Donald Trump.

  38. scvirginia

    Well, he’s only the president of the United States,” the adviser replied. “I mean, they could work with town officials to deny us access.

    Adviser is just thinking about how he will do things when he is a powerful flying monkey under Pres Mittens.

  39. TribecaMike

    Mormons & other right-wingers being paranoid? History may have to be rewritten.

  40. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Wait … a bunch of Romnoids told people to hop on this bus, to be taken to an undisclosed location … and they went????

Comments are closed.