fun with photoshop

Contest! What Is This Official George W. Bush White House Portrait Missing?

Please send me to jail.

Did we all have a good time watching Dubya make some funneez at the White House today? It was pretty good! He was all like, haha, you know and I know and everybody knows that I was pretty much the worst at being the preznit, for reals, hilares, just Mr. Jokey Jokey about what a terrible job he did. He’s somehow easier to take out of office than he was in, no? But enough about that! Please get out your MSPaint, because we feel this portrait is just missing … something. Couldn’t say what, because then you would just steal it, and we would get 470 pictures of GWB with his cock in his hand, and we do not want to see that. The contest will be open until 5 p.m. Friday. Winners get nothing, as per usual. Send to tips@wonkette.com with the subject line “This is not a portrait of George W. Bush with his cock in his hand.” Amen.

UPDATE: Some of you seem unclear that this fine contest entails actually MAKING A PICTURE instead of just shouting nouns at us in the tipline. Don’t get us wrong, we love nouns. But those are probably better for the comments than the contest.

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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Hola wonkerados.

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202 comments

  1. Barb

    Let's have fun with this.
    Is Josh going to post the Mitt Romney app stuff from yesterday?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Totally OT, but I saw an ad today for "Mannish Water" Ram Goat Flavor Soup Mix with "artifical goat flavor".

      I'm most impressed that somebody saw a market for, and actually invented, artificial goat flavor.

      1. chascates

        Hmm, Ram Goat may be a little strong. Is there a doe or kid goat flavor available?

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I have every confidence that teams of Amercia's (or at least Jamacia's) most brilliant chemists are working on it.

          Meanwhile, you can just cut the ram goat flavoring with a bit of artificial fetus flavor.

      2. tessiee

        "Mannish water" is such a disgusting name that artificial goat flavor could only be an improvement.

        1. George Skullfry

          No kidding. I produce "mannish water" several times daily, but I wouldn't try to sell it to anybody.

      3. 738838

        That's cool but my local Stop n Shop actually sells a Jamaican product called "Cock Soup". It would probably sell well a a young Republican convention. I usually buy a load of it for stocking stuffers.

        1. MoeDeLawn

          Excellent! My gift recipients are very tired of getting Spotted Dick every year.

      4. mayor_quimby

        Mannish water usually involves a goat head, taken from the goat you then roast in a manly fashion. Stew it down with spices , some veggies, and you have a soup that will make your (Jamaican) cock hard enough to beat other men to death with, figuratively, or is that literally.
        But seriously, it is delicious, had some st Xmas!

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          That's one very authentic-sounding recipe . . . and it may largely explain why there's a market for the artificial flavor.

  2. MittBorg

    Aw, BeccaLou, man, right out of the park you total the best possible idea for a 'shop.

    How 'bout a 'shop of GeeDumbz with his dick in his ear?

    "You have a dick in your ear."
    "What? I can't hear you."

    Rinse and repeat.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Aha – it's not what's missing from the portrait — it's what's there. Should just be the empty suit.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      thanks for making my now intermittent Wonkette lurking worthwhile Wookies, finding your precious comments is like my own personal game of 'Where's Waldo' (or in this case 'Where's Dubya-do'?)

      1. SayItWithWookies

        DJ, the pleasure is all mine — I'm happy to type out something that amuses me, and just thrilled to amuse others in addition. And I hope you lurk more and participate more too.

  3. OldWhiteLies

    Any real sense of decorum?

    Intelligence?

    An actual human being man to fill that empty suit?

    A stylish pocket hanky?

    Reality?

    A shiny spot on his forehead?

    A sense of humility?

  4. red_kira

    I will be serious. THE MURRICUN FLAG! Yee-hah!

    I am – like – really. Wow. No flag just hits you like a ton of bricks. Lapel pins don't count.

    1. OldWhiteLies

      Hmmm. He does have the obligatory lapel pin – but you're right, no flag on a pole. Very curious.

    2. C_R_Eature

      The American Flag went on record that the mission would require twice as many flags as planned and was forced to take early retirement. The painting went ahead without it.

    3. Beowoof

      Republican Flag pins must be made in the People's Republic of China. So that they know the workers who made them were paid shit wages and abused.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      They didn't let W play with sharp instruments – he nearly killed himself with a pretzel, after all. He might have decapitated himself with a razor.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I still have a Bill Clinton $3 bill. It was the last thing my dad ever gave me before he died, back in '95.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          i had one of those. Never could spend the damned thing. Not even at the gay shops.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Okay. Listen. This made me laugh the evil, terrible laugh of a person who has been abused – a person who lived thru a couple of terms with this guy that were NOT FUCKING FUNNY. You could only go thru all of this and end up here, laughing at this, if you had the shit kicked out of you by W like those of us aware of it did. I liked it, the feeling of laughing, and I appreciate it, but, much as I have felt ever since this guy left office, I need to take a bath of some sort now. But really, excellent work.

  5. actor212

    Is this like that monthly puzzle in My Weekly Reader, where they draw the animal faces and blend them into the background?

    Osama bin Laden is hiding? The WMDs under the bookcase?

  6. majgenstanley

    Either the painter got the proportions dreadfully wrong or this is the first portrayal we've seen of GWB's Presidential High Chair.

    Clearly, the tray is down.

  7. glamourdammerung

    I am not sure how to add dignity to the picture with leaving a Bush shaped hole.

  8. BloviateMe

    Giulani, with his 9/11 tattered evening gown barely concealing his ample bosom and milky thighs, hanging off of him.

    …or the dick thing. That's cool too.

  9. OneYieldRegular

    Well, for one thing, judging by what his right hand is resting on, a chair large enough to fit GWB's derriere. Nice martini goblet and set of Reader's Digest Condensed Books on the shelf, though.

  10. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    How about George Bush with some Saudi Prince's cock in his hand? Somebody please replace that chair with a Saudi guy, his skirts hiked up to his belly and Bush just giving him the handjob of his life. I would do it myself but I am more of an idea person. Oh, and I wouldn't know photoshop if it punched me in the face.

  11. chascates

    From the Moonie Times on today's clusterfuck:
    Now retired and living on his ranch in Crawford, Texas, far away from the media spotlight, Mr. Bush stole the show with his trademark jocularity . . .
    No, he's living in Dallas. Laura hates the isolation of the ranch.

    1. tessiee

      "Laura hates the isolation of the ranch."

      Why in the hell wouldn't she? Stuck in the middle of nowhere with only that malicious imbecile to talk to — who wouldn't hate it?

    2. wondering where i am

      trademark jocularity . . . That's what it needs. A jocularity (huh?) trademark.

    3. C_R_Eature

      That's no fucking ranch, it was a pig farm out in south incendiary nowhere that they bought as a prop in 2000.
      Bush is afraid of horses, only stayed there to get away from most reporters and to make the ones that has to stay with him as miserable as possible (no one clears brush in Crawford in August) and they both beat feet to Dallas and Civilization as soon as humanly possible after the inauguration.
      There's probably a maid and a groundskeeper stationed there (both miserable) and the only one who visits is Laura when she needs a weekend to get the hell away from George when he's far gone on one of his slobbering, knee-crawling Wild Turkey orgies.

    4. tessiee

      "Mr. Bush stole the show with his trademark jocularity"

      Yup, that's our Bush — trademark jocularity. Why, sometimes, when he was talking about those dear little Iraqi civilians, he'd be laughing and giggling so much that he could barely get the words out. I guess when you're born with four-fifths of a brain, and then spend decades eating holes in even that with alcohol and drugs, all kinds of things are fucking hilarious.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But how does one paint Karl Rove's exceptionally small dick shoved up W's ass?

  13. beezie687

    Crocs with the Presidential seal? a Segway, tipped over in the corner? Strategerie?

  14. Wadisay

    All the china should be broken, the background should be by Hieronymus Bosch, and Bush should have "666" on his forehead.

  15. Samtzu23

    The painting over his right shoulder is of a horse thief stealing a horse up in the mountains…. It was mislabeled for decades…. was originally an illustration for a story in a pulp magazine….. I think in the story the guy gets shot out of the saddle later…. so, it is absolutely appropriate for this painting….

  16. fartknocker

    Him shaking former FEMA Director and American Arabian Horse GM Mike D. Brown hand while the New Orleans leevees are failing and announcing Good Job Brownie?

  17. sullivanst

    John Yoo crushing a child's testicles because "no law" can prevent the Exectuive from doing so?

    1. Infrogmation

      I think of the Dubya-Cheney administration as more Hieronymus Bosch or Francisco Goya material. For a living artist, I think Odd Nedrum could capture the spirit best.

    2. tessiee

      William Blake, George Grosz, Bosch, El Greco, and Michael Moorcock put together couldn't have adequately captured the combined horror and pathos.

  18. Butch_Wagstaff

    A halo above W's head and Jesus in the background giving him two thumbs up?

  19. James Michael Curley

    Portrait of George Washington should be above that table and on the table a bust of Winston Churchill, and I think Obama restored things that way.

  20. Weenus299

    Weppins of mazz destruction falling out of his butt. Oh, and the hilarious dead Abu Ghraib guy. Thumbs up!

  21. Weenus299

    Thomas Kincade would've just painted a gleaming 20-watt lightbulb and pasted Alfred E. Newman's picture on it. That would've been a better likeness.

  22. Rotundo_

    Maybe it's just me, but he looks like he's had more than a couple of brewskis or shots or something. The artist captured his "stoned or stupid" look perfectly. Future generations will look at these and say "Now that one looks like he was halfway pissed when they painted that." I predict he will get higher buffoon points than Harding in good time when all the white male racist idiots go extinct.

    1. tessiee

      That red-faced look, even in a supposedly flattering official portrait, just has "dry drunk" written all over it, too.

  23. tessiee

    Cheney's hand up his ass?
    Although I will say, I used to enjoy the part where w spoke while cheney drank a glass of water.

  24. C_R_Eature

    Competence.

    Respect.

    Photos of:
    * Clearing brush in Crawford
    *The World Trade Center
    *Golfing ("Now watch this drive!")
    * Flag-draped coffins, Dover AFB
    *Looking for WMD under the desk
    * Flying over a devastated New Orleans days after Katrina
    *Obviously plastered GWB at the Chinese Summer Olympics

    An Orange Jump Suit.

  25. tessiee

    A chair for w to stand on, a black cloth hood covering his head, and electrodes attached to his little thingies?

  26. C_R_Eature

    A 3/4 empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the desk and white powder residue all over his nostrils.

  27. C_R_Eature

    I see that A Charge To Keep, the painting of a horse thief that Bush misinterpreted as something noble made it in.
    I think it's appropriate that the American Flag did not.

  28. BlueStateLibel

    Did they bring Goya back from the dead to paint that?! It looks like it was deliberately meant to mock him. I wouldn't be surprised if the artist stashed a hacked-up piece of pretzel somewhere in that painting.

  29. Dudleydidwrong

    Portraits of the previous 42 occupants of the WH–retching into basins and porcelain altars. (OK, #41 probably would opt out. Or maybe not…)

  30. Guppy

    What the painting needs is some proper perspective of the chair he's leaning on. Either that, or the White House really does have a chair designed by Salvador Dali.

    What, did they get the "Obama burning the Constitution" artist to paint it?

  31. rocktonsam

    I know whats missing, a lapel pin with the name of every solider that died or was injured because of the stupid fricken war on terror. Each pin on his jacket would kind of look like the Ohio State football helmets.with all those stickers awarded for excellence.

    and the same amount of integrity also

  32. Negropolis

    You're not the boss of me, Rebecca! Imma shout nouns if I want to!

    The picture is missing crayons, a slinky, Lyndie England giving the double-thumbs-up, a picture of Dogs Playing Poker hanging above the Resolute desk, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

    Oh, and the ghosts of hundreds-of-thousands Iraqi citizens. Also. Too.

    1. Negropolis

      Oh, and something that personifies unapologetic hubris. Maybe a King James Bible or something.

  33. Smithboy

    I suppose the flag he desecrated would be the obvious answer, however I hope to live long enough to seem him in a mug shot after he is successfuly tried as a war criminal.

  34. Pseudonymously_Joe

    I couldn't settle for just one, so:
    https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-K9b2kVq99wE/T8
    In this one, Dubya is returning the US constitution, now that he's done with it. His words may say that it was like that when he got here, but his sly smirk implies that both you and he know otherwise. Also, there's a Weeping Eagle watermark, which represents America, because 9/11.
    https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/–GKimNwtRKI/T8
    This one represents the various successes of the Bush presidency

    And finally, https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-l3zqk3Bjwmk/T8
    This one represents how George Bush in Gitmo forever for war crimes, the end.

  35. Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    Was this painting done by the guy who showed Barry burning the Constipation?

  36. scvirginia

    Only 199 comments? Okay, I'll just mention that I liked Craig Ferguson's mention of the painting when he remarked that after it was hanging, you could see Cheney's eyes in the eyeholes following everyone around the room…

  37. Extemporanus

    By popular confusion, and as promised for posterity, I hereby present the complete list of visually depicted Wonketteer wit:

    1. Codpiece
    2. Jarbara (aka "JarJar") Bush
    3. Hitler [Sharpie 'stache, natch]
    4. "The Pet Goat", from Reading Mastery II: Storybook 1
    5. Orange jumpsuit [emphasis on the "suit"]
    6. Ball gag [represented by a more easily 'Shopped studded collar]
    7. American flag [doormat shares chair's Dalí-esque perspective]
    8. Swastika carved in forehead
    9. Cocaine and razor blade
    10. Beer bong [hey Mittborg...drink! drink! drink!]
    11. "Mission Accomplished"
    12. Iraqi orphan/corpse
    13. Military records and awards
    14. Coke booger
    15. "30 Days Sober" coin
    16. 9/11
    17. TruckNutz [bronzed]
    18. Bowl of pretzels
    19. Stigmata [must credit PeaceWithHonor!]
    20. Masonic symbols
    21. 10-gallon booby hat
    22. Red ink [see: "16. 9/11"]
    23. Leash held by Cheney
    24. "666" on forehead
    25. "Thumbs-Up" Jesus
    26. Halfway-pissed, red-faced, dry drunk look
    27. Blood on hands
    28. Jizz on chin
    29. Upside-down flag pin
    30. "HELLO My Name Is: The Decider" name tag
    31. Bottle of Jack Daniels
    32. Shiner
    33. Dogs Playing Poker painting
    34. Lynndie England [on classy black velvet]

    In regards to all the "Hurricane Katrina/Kanye West" suggestions: This desecration of the official George W. Bush White House portrait doesn't care about black people.

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