I'm ready for my sex tapeDon’t you love that smell when the entire media realizes it’s just wasted an hour on nothing? Such has been the case this afternoon, when the big news orgs announced that a JOHN EDWARDS VERDICT HAS BEEN REACHED and WOULD BE ANNOUNCED AT 3:00. Finally! It had been like 10 days with these jurors “deliberating.” Why is “justice” taken so seriously in this country, occasionally? Just throw the guy in the slammer or don’t, it would be funny either way. But alas, no verdict was ANNOUNCED AT 3:00. It turns out the jury had only reached a decision on one of six counts and wanted to wrap things up and flee the courthouse. The judge made them return to deliberations, however. This is seeming very, very Blago Trial I, today. But what the hell do we know? (UPDATE: THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.)

Yeah, it looks like they were just screwing with the media.

GREENSBORO, N.C. (AP) — The judge in John Edwards’ campaign corruption trial is telling jurors to keep deliberating after she apparently misunderstood them and thought they had reached a verdict on all six counts.

The jury was called into the courtroom Thursday and U.S. District Judge Catherine C. Eagles said she understood the panel had reached a verdict on all counts. That’s when the jury foreman said no.

Do you think John Edwards will go to jail, dear readers? He’s a purty one.

UPDATE: Edwards is not guilty on the one charge the jury had decided on. And WRAL reports that it’s a mistrial on the other five counts. The trial’s over. Will they retry it? UNCLEAR. Seems like it would be a waste of time though!


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  • nounverb911

    Hurry up and get it over with so we can start indicting republicans for doing the same thing.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Never happen

    • That'll happen when hell freezes over.

    • iburl

      You'll notice the tendency of the libtards on this site to happily pile on when a liberal breaks the law. There is no such proclivity on the repube side.

      • Whoops, i meant presumed innocent. Hung jury is right. The hung juror hopes he is hung too.

    • Republicans? Heterosexual affairs?


  • Barb

    John Edwards is so ashamed, he can hardly look at himself in the mirror. This should free up an extra four hours of the day for him.

    • WunkRocker
      About the first time he was running for Natl office I ran into this uh…Cougar that used to be a school teacher. Anyway, she was a milf when I was in college in the 80's and was volunteering on his campaign AND very jazzed about it. I've always wondering if he was hitting that too.

  • sullivanst

    He's gonna be Duke Cunningham's BFFL.

  • nounverb911

    Six counts? I'm surprised anyone in NC could count that high.

    • MissTaken

      They can't, that's why they stopped on 1.

      • Baconzgood


    • Dass fi fingahs on one han', an one fingah on da udder….so dass fiteen!

    • Negropolis

      That's not fair. North Calorina is the "smart" Carolina…

  • tihond

    "All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, But John Edward's Judge wouldn't give it to me"

  • memzilla

    Is Edwards hitting on the judge yet?

    • nounverb911

      He was waiting for the trial to be over, he's having dinner with her tonight.

      • That explains the etchings he carried into the courthouse

  • MissTaken

    Ah, how cute. More time for flirting with Alternate Juror #69.

    • Callyson

      Actually, maybe not, at least not until Edwards gets his sorry ass out of the courtroom:

      The jury has made more news in recent days of the trial, as Eagles has closed the court to discuss unspecified issues with jurors. Four alternate jurors began wearing matching colored shirts to court and one of them was said to be exchanging smiles with Edwards. Eagles told the alternates on Wednesday that they no longer needed to come to court during deliberations.

      So, poor Breck Boy has to sit there without anyone to flirt with…must be cruel and unusual punishment for him…

      • MissTaken

        Poor Johnnie Boy. It's his trial and he'll cry if he wants to.

      • I'm surprised he doesn't flirt with himself.

        You know, for practice.

  • Callyson

    Edwards appeared happy and smiled at his family.

    Where have I seen that before? Oh yeah–

    You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?

    • MissTaken

      Which family?

      • nounverb911

        All of them, Katie.

    • widestanceromance

      He only smiled at the still-living members.

  • nounverb911

    Will Edwards still get his $400 haircuts when he's in prison?

  • nounverb911
  • Goonemeritus

    We need to outsource more than manufacturing jobs to our Chinese partners. I think on rare occasions outsourcing the trials of our disgraced political figures to China would be a real time saver.

    • nounverb911

      Do they still make the guilty pay for the bullet?

    • 12X34X

      Great idea. I'm voting for you in November.

    • Hey, this is America! Where being a scuzball doesn't result in prison time as long as you're also rich! USA! USA!

  • dijetlo

    Democratic nookie trials are so boring for we Talibangelicals, if Edwards had been a Republican, we would have been regaled with the story of David and Bethsheba, Sarah and the Pharoah, Lot and his two daughters, the bible is full of "I should have never stuck my peen in there and I'm really, really sorry," parables and yet Edwards liberal legal team has foolishly decided to try to win this one on the facts.
    This guy is fucked.

  • Baconzgood


  • I hope I'm seated next to Edwards on the bus to prison so I can tweet about what he'll be reading – probably Fifty Shades of Ladyparts.

  • edgydrifter

    Team Edwards FTW! The man sparkles!

    • ThundercatHo

      No way!! Team Jacob cuz wolves are so awesome and T.L. is so hawt and. . . Oh wait, never mind.

  • "Your Honor, we the jury have reached a verdict. We find the defendant, John Edwards, super cute on all counts OMG!! Squee!!!!"

  • sullivanst

    Have to sympathize with the jury. I get sick of thinking about what a sleazy cuntnugget Edwards is after about 30 seconds, a whole [mis]trial of nothing but that is one hell of an ordeal.

  • Barb

    He's been found not guilty. Time to update the story.


    • GOOD JOB!

      P.S. I'm glad. If they're not going to even try Newticles and crazy She1ey for this crap, why should they fry Edwards?

    • Hey! Ginger! Fix the coding, man! You bolded everything up to the comments!

      TIDE: Fank shu.

    • MissTaken

      You can do that? That is so cool!

    • Pragmatist2

      I'm sure your mom is proud of you.

  • MadBrahms

    He'll be "crossing over" to a cell soon, and then see how his seances save him.

    Oh, that guy.

  • Not guilty on Count 3, mistrial on all others.

    Someone should hold Edwards down & give him a Romney cut.

  • BloviateMe

    Not utilizing the chewbacca defense was a huge mistake.

    UPDATE: Not utilizing the chewbacca defense was a huge victory.

  • Preferred Customer

    Flirting with the jury pays off again. Which will be the title of his memoir, I think.

  • JackDempsey1

    I'm for the side that had the Bunnies.
    Tell me you don't like Bunnies.

  • Barb

    Edwards will release a sex tape now called: John Edwards, Hung Like a Jury.

    • Negropolis

      Oh, this deserves to be showered with assorted WIN.

  • Hey, is this really ironic, or just A. Morissette-ironic?

  • MissTaken

    Tonight a large man in prison will have to cry himself to sleep while singing Heart's Alone

    • Not My Heart Will Go On?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      As will we all…,. as will we all.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Guess who is now perfectly qualified to run as VP for the GOP?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Mistrial — that's French for "We don't know if this was more confusing than it was boring or the other way around, but we stopped caring a fuckin' week ago."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I thought it was French for an irritating blast of hot air.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Jonathan Edwards, free due to a mistrial? Whew. I mean, there he was, a sinner in the hands of an angry God, hanging by a slender thread of well-shampooed, fully volumnized, shiny hair, with divine wrath flashing all around it, and ready every moment to singe it, and burn it asunder.

    • 12X34X

      Wish they had and wish it had been televised.

  • smashedinhat

    Did he get a new girlfriend out of all this? Otherwise it was a complete waste of time.

  • chascates

    So will Edwards be able to make sweet love with the flirty juror now?

  • harobedyelsnit

    The main thing Edwards is absolutely guilty of is being a creep and letting little John Edwards overrule his brain. I don't really care about the paltry 1 mil. With all the shenanigans going on in political financing since the Citizen's United judgement, I just give up.
    He's been punished enough and will continue to be punished being reduced to a Blago level joke. For a man who aspired to greatness, he's fallen far to be the butt of jokes from now till he dies. I was a supporter of Edwards. He was the only candidate who spoke to the concerns of theworker class and the poor. Too bad he turned out to be so unstable.

    • Exactly.

      As a general rule, all consensual sex is forgivable.

  • Schmannnity

    Chief Justice John Edwards. Too Soon?

  • docterry6973

    Well, can the judge sentence the lying sack of shit to jail six times?

  • Jim, your update should be titled:

    Edwards Gets Off

  • Antispandex

    Not guilty…except of bad taste.

  • Callyson

    Mistrial, Christ God no. This might be the worst outcome–no justice (even in the form of a verdict that John Boy would appeal.) But, at the same time, possibly no end either (a retrial? Come on, it's bad enough we have to live through the 2012 campaign…)

  • George Skullfry

    You know, there is little doubt left that Edwards is an enormous douchebag, and a lying sack of shit, and many kinds of a not very nice person. But there is also little doubt that US election-finance law has more holes in it than a colander, including the extra-special "you had to know it was illegal" provision (that's be nice in ordinary law, wouldn't it?). I certainly hope they don't re-try this, because it would be a waste of time and money. I'm inclined to think the only reason it got prosecuted in the first place was to avoid accusations of cover-up (and also because Edwards is a shitweasel).

    Even granting the possibility that he was personally aware of every single detail of where the money came from and went to, and ignoring the technical out that he might still not have known that some part of that violated campaign finance law, we're left with the question: what was the point of the chicanery? Was it to buy votes or influence? Was it to reward Bunny Mellon with an ambassadorship? Was it to keep him viable as a VP candidate? (Well, maybe he was stupid enough to think he could get away with that).

    But mostly it was to try to hide his stupid affair from his wife. This is not a commendable motive, but I have trouble seeing it as a felony of grave consequence.

    BTW, this is not an endorsement of white-collar crime. I believe it is necessary to have serious penalties, including incarceration, for white-collar crimes because the threat of jail is really the only thing that is likely to have any deterrent effect on people with lots of money. Fines, however large, are just a cost of doing business, but time inside is not replaceable.

    In this case, however, I do think the potential penalty is disproportionate to the magnitude of the (alleged) offense, particularly given that most other cases of alleged misuse of campaign donations are either ignored or resolved by fines. Also, it's really hard to re-try mistrials, unless there was some big mistake made that can be avoided, or possibly new evidence. I don't believe either of these conditions apply here, so I hope they let it drop.

    FWIW, I think "justice" has already been rendered. Edwards has been reduced from political-star-in-waiting to scumbag laughing stock. Let him deal with it.

  • ttommyunger

    "Millionaire White Lawyer Skates" Now there's a shocker.

  • fuflans

    well. that went well.

  • Negropolis

    Okay, now that that is over, can we have one of these for Scott Walker and the Koch Bros, por favor?

    • George Skullfry

      This would be nice.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "I did an awful, awful lot that was wrong. I am responsible. I don't have to go any further than the mirror. It's me and me alone."

    I can't figure out if this means he'll spend more time, or less, in front of the mirror.

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