THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY  4:15 pm May 31, 2012

John Edwards Jury Sick of Dealing With It, Mean Judge Makes Them Continue Dealing With It (UPDATE)

by Jim Newell

I'm ready for my sex tapeDon’t you love that smell when the entire media realizes it’s just wasted an hour on nothing? Such has been the case this afternoon, when the big news orgs announced that a JOHN EDWARDS VERDICT HAS BEEN REACHED and WOULD BE ANNOUNCED AT 3:00. Finally! It had been like 10 days with these jurors “deliberating.” Why is “justice” taken so seriously in this country, occasionally? Just throw the guy in the slammer or don’t, it would be funny either way. But alas, no verdict was ANNOUNCED AT 3:00. It turns out the jury had only reached a decision on one of six counts and wanted to wrap things up and flee the courthouse. The judge made them return to deliberations, however. This is seeming very, very Blago Trial I, today. But what the hell do we know? (UPDATE: THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.)

Yeah, it looks like they were just screwing with the media.

GREENSBORO, N.C. (AP) — The judge in John Edwards’ campaign corruption trial is telling jurors to keep deliberating after she apparently misunderstood them and thought they had reached a verdict on all six counts.

The jury was called into the courtroom Thursday and U.S. District Judge Catherine C. Eagles said she understood the panel had reached a verdict on all counts. That’s when the jury foreman said no.

Do you think John Edwards will go to jail, dear readers? He’s a purty one.

UPDATE: Edwards is not guilty on the one charge the jury had decided on. And WRAL reports that it’s a mistrial on the other five counts. The trial’s over. Will they retry it? UNCLEAR. Seems like it would be a waste of time though!



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nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Hurry up and get it over with so we can start indicting republicans for doing the same thing.

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Never happen

ifthethunderdontgetya May 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm

That'll happen when hell freezes over.

iburl May 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm

You'll notice the tendency of the libtards on this site to happily pile on when a liberal breaks the law. There is no such proclivity on the repube side.

iburl June 1, 2012 at 1:50 am

Whoops, i meant presumed innocent. Hung jury is right. The hung juror hopes he is hung too.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Republicans? Heterosexual affairs?


Barb May 31, 2012 at 4:17 pm

John Edwards is so ashamed, he can hardly look at himself in the mirror. This should free up an extra four hours of the day for him.

WunkRocker May 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm
About the first time he was running for Natl office I ran into this uh…Cougar that used to be a school teacher. Anyway, she was a milf when I was in college in the 80's and was volunteering on his campaign AND very jazzed about it. I've always wondering if he was hitting that too.

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 4:18 pm

He's gonna be Duke Cunningham's BFFL.

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Six counts? I'm surprised anyone in NC could count that high.

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 4:19 pm

They can't, that's why they stopped on 1.

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm


actor212 May 31, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Dass fi fingahs on one han', an one fingah on da udder….so dass fiteen!

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 1:49 am

That's not fair. North Calorina is the "smart" Carolina…

tihond May 31, 2012 at 4:19 pm

"All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, But John Edward's Judge wouldn't give it to me"

ifthethunderdontgetya May 31, 2012 at 4:28 pm


memzilla May 31, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Is Edwards hitting on the judge yet?

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm

He was waiting for the trial to be over, he's having dinner with her tonight.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 4:44 pm

That explains the etchings he carried into the courthouse

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Ah, how cute. More time for flirting with Alternate Juror #69.

Callyson May 31, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Actually, maybe not, at least not until Edwards gets his sorry ass out of the courtroom:

The jury has made more news in recent days of the trial, as Eagles has closed the court to discuss unspecified issues with jurors. Four alternate jurors began wearing matching colored shirts to court and one of them was said to be exchanging smiles with Edwards. Eagles told the alternates on Wednesday that they no longer needed to come to court during deliberations.

So, poor Breck Boy has to sit there without anyone to flirt with…must be cruel and unusual punishment for him…

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Poor Johnnie Boy. It's his trial and he'll cry if he wants to.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I'm surprised he doesn't flirt with himself.

You know, for practice.

Callyson May 31, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Edwards appeared happy and smiled at his family.

Where have I seen that before? Oh yeah–

You Want To See Some Goddamn Optimism?

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Which family?

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 4:30 pm

All of them, Katie.

widestanceromance May 31, 2012 at 4:46 pm

He only smiled at the still-living members.

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Will Edwards still get his $400 haircuts when he's in prison?

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Goonemeritus May 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm

We need to outsource more than manufacturing jobs to our Chinese partners. I think on rare occasions outsourcing the trials of our disgraced political figures to China would be a real time saver.

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Do they still make the guilty pay for the bullet?

12X34X May 31, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Great idea. I'm voting for you in November.

Infrogmation May 31, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Hey, this is America! Where being a scuzball doesn't result in prison time as long as you're also rich! USA! USA!

dijetlo May 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Democratic nookie trials are so boring for we Talibangelicals, if Edwards had been a Republican, we would have been regaled with the story of David and Bethsheba, Sarah and the Pharoah, Lot and his two daughters, the bible is full of "I should have never stuck my peen in there and I'm really, really sorry," parables and yet Edwards liberal legal team has foolishly decided to try to win this one on the facts.
This guy is fucked.

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm


FlownOver May 31, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I hope I'm seated next to Edwards on the bus to prison so I can tweet about what he'll be reading – probably Fifty Shades of Ladyparts.

edgydrifter May 31, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Team Edwards FTW! The man sparkles!

ThundercatHo June 1, 2012 at 8:24 am

No way!! Team Jacob cuz wolves are so awesome and T.L. is so hawt and. . . Oh wait, never mind.

GuyClinch May 31, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"Your Honor, we the jury have reached a verdict. We find the defendant, John Edwards, super cute on all counts OMG!! Squee!!!!"

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Have to sympathize with the jury. I get sick of thinking about what a sleazy cuntnugget Edwards is after about 30 seconds, a whole [mis]trial of nothing but that is one hell of an ordeal.

Barb May 31, 2012 at 4:29 pm

He's been found not guilty. Time to update the story.

Jim Newell May 31, 2012 at 4:30 pm


ifthethunderdontgetya May 31, 2012 at 4:35 pm


P.S. I'm glad. If they're not going to even try Newticles and crazy She1ey for this crap, why should they fry Edwards?

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Hey! Ginger! Fix the coding, man! You bolded everything up to the comments!

TIDE: Fank shu.

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 4:36 pm

You can do that? That is so cool!

Pragmatist2 May 31, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I'm sure your mom is proud of you.

MadBrahms May 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm

He'll be "crossing over" to a cell soon, and then see how his seances save him.

Oh, that guy.

M. Bouffant May 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Not guilty on Count 3, mistrial on all others.

Someone should hold Edwards down & give him a Romney cut.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 31, 2012 at 4:44 pm

There goes the neighborhood.

M. Bouffant May 31, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Hey! Do I know you?

BloviateMe May 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Not utilizing the chewbacca defense was a huge mistake.

UPDATE: Not utilizing the chewbacca defense was a huge victory.

Preferred Customer May 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Flirting with the jury pays off again. Which will be the title of his memoir, I think.

JackDempsey1 May 31, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I'm for the side that had the Bunnies.
Tell me you don't like Bunnies.

Barb May 31, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Edwards will release a sex tape now called: John Edwards, Hung Like a Jury.

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 1:51 am

Oh, this deserves to be showered with assorted WIN.

M. Bouffant May 31, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Hey, is this really ironic, or just A. Morissette-ironic?

Infrogmation May 31, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Five! Five Trials! Bwahhahahaha!


MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Tonight a large man in prison will have to cry himself to sleep while singing Heart's Alone

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Not My Heart Will Go On?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 31, 2012 at 5:10 pm

As will we all…,. as will we all.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 31, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Guess who is now perfectly qualified to run as VP for the GOP?

SayItWithWookies May 31, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Mistrial — that's French for "We don't know if this was more confusing than it was boring or the other way around, but we stopped caring a fuckin' week ago."

Biel_ze_Bubba May 31, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I thought it was French for an irritating blast of hot air.

OneYieldRegular May 31, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Jonathan Edwards, free due to a mistrial? Whew. I mean, there he was, a sinner in the hands of an angry God, hanging by a slender thread of well-shampooed, fully volumnized, shiny hair, with divine wrath flashing all around it, and ready every moment to singe it, and burn it asunder.

12X34X May 31, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Wish they had and wish it had been televised.

smashedinhat May 31, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Did he get a new girlfriend out of all this? Otherwise it was a complete waste of time.

chascates May 31, 2012 at 4:59 pm

So will Edwards be able to make sweet love with the flirty juror now?

harobedyelsnit May 31, 2012 at 5:04 pm

The main thing Edwards is absolutely guilty of is being a creep and letting little John Edwards overrule his brain. I don't really care about the paltry 1 mil. With all the shenanigans going on in political financing since the Citizen's United judgement, I just give up.
He's been punished enough and will continue to be punished being reduced to a Blago level joke. For a man who aspired to greatness, he's fallen far to be the butt of jokes from now till he dies. I was a supporter of Edwards. He was the only candidate who spoke to the concerns of theworker class and the poor. Too bad he turned out to be so unstable.

deanbooth May 31, 2012 at 8:15 pm


As a general rule, all consensual sex is forgivable.

Schmannnity May 31, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Chief Justice John Edwards. Too Soon?

docterry6973 May 31, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Well, can the judge sentence the lying sack of shit to jail six times?

ifthethunderdontgetya May 31, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Jim, your update should be titled:

Edwards Gets Off

Antispandex May 31, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Not guilty…except of bad taste.

Callyson May 31, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Mistrial, Christ God no. This might be the worst outcome–no justice (even in the form of a verdict that John Boy would appeal.) But, at the same time, possibly no end either (a retrial? Come on, it's bad enough we have to live through the 2012 campaign…)

George Skullfry May 31, 2012 at 8:28 pm

You know, there is little doubt left that Edwards is an enormous douchebag, and a lying sack of shit, and many kinds of a not very nice person. But there is also little doubt that US election-finance law has more holes in it than a colander, including the extra-special "you had to know it was illegal" provision (that's be nice in ordinary law, wouldn't it?). I certainly hope they don't re-try this, because it would be a waste of time and money. I'm inclined to think the only reason it got prosecuted in the first place was to avoid accusations of cover-up (and also because Edwards is a shitweasel).

Even granting the possibility that he was personally aware of every single detail of where the money came from and went to, and ignoring the technical out that he might still not have known that some part of that violated campaign finance law, we're left with the question: what was the point of the chicanery? Was it to buy votes or influence? Was it to reward Bunny Mellon with an ambassadorship? Was it to keep him viable as a VP candidate? (Well, maybe he was stupid enough to think he could get away with that).

But mostly it was to try to hide his stupid affair from his wife. This is not a commendable motive, but I have trouble seeing it as a felony of grave consequence.

BTW, this is not an endorsement of white-collar crime. I believe it is necessary to have serious penalties, including incarceration, for white-collar crimes because the threat of jail is really the only thing that is likely to have any deterrent effect on people with lots of money. Fines, however large, are just a cost of doing business, but time inside is not replaceable.

In this case, however, I do think the potential penalty is disproportionate to the magnitude of the (alleged) offense, particularly given that most other cases of alleged misuse of campaign donations are either ignored or resolved by fines. Also, it's really hard to re-try mistrials, unless there was some big mistake made that can be avoided, or possibly new evidence. I don't believe either of these conditions apply here, so I hope they let it drop.

FWIW, I think "justice" has already been rendered. Edwards has been reduced from political-star-in-waiting to scumbag laughing stock. Let him deal with it.

ttommyunger May 31, 2012 at 9:35 pm

"Millionaire White Lawyer Skates" Now there's a shocker.

fuflans May 31, 2012 at 10:35 pm

well. that went well.

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 1:53 am

Okay, now that that is over, can we have one of these for Scott Walker and the Koch Bros, por favor?

George Skullfry June 1, 2012 at 2:22 am

This would be nice.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2012 at 7:46 am

"I did an awful, awful lot that was wrong. I am responsible. I don't have to go any further than the mirror. It's me and me alone."

I can't figure out if this means he'll spend more time, or less, in front of the mirror.

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