I do bar mitzvahs, thoughSantee, California Mayor Randy Voepel, according to the local Patch, recently received an email from a Chinese fellow who collects autographs asking for a contribution from Voepel. The email sort of resemnbles “spam email,” but we’re only saying that because we’re racist. But instead of deleting the email or not responding or, well, sending him the autograph he requested, Voepel decided to write back to the commie calling him a dirty commie, and more generally instructing him to fuck off.

Here is the nice autograph request from Mao Zedong, or whatever his name is.

Dear Mayor:

As a great city/county of the United States, your city/county must be playing an important role to make the U.S. a prosperous county.

Your city/county has charitable conventions compared to other states, which I have seen in many TV programs. You city/county is attractive economically and democratically, these can’t not be achieved without your governance, which I am very interested in.

I’d like to have a signed photo of yours and the seal of your city/county, so I can keep them as souvenirs, can you help me?

Wish you the best

Sincerely yours

Deng zhi yong

Annnnnnnnnd the response from Voepel, who, for what it’s worth, left the Republican party a couple of years ago because it was too liberal for him.

Dear Mr. Yong,

I respectfully decline to cooperate in any way with what I consider to be an enemy of the United States. The People’s Republic of China is a repressive and evil communist regime that runs a Police State. I fought in Vietnam to stop communism and will fight communism until the day I die. Please accept me as a very determined enemy, as I assume you to be to me.

Best Capitalist regards,

Randy Voepel

Mayor, The freedom and human rights City of Santee

The spammer probably has his credit card information now.



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  • Barb

    This is better than when he told General Tso to suck his testicle balls.

    Yeah, it made no sense to me either. I just wanted to say "testicle balls"

    • BALLS!

      • Barb

        He should have signed the photo with:
        Me hate you long time,
        Randy Voepel

        • Y'know, most tin-plated dictator mayors of a shitheel little town at the ass-end of San Diego, one that makes El Cajon seem useful, would STFU, sign the damned picture and thank the fella for thinking of him.

    • Generation[redacted]

      General Tso's testicle balls are covered in sesame seeds and a savory sauce.

      • Wouldn't Sesame's seed BE a savory sauce?

  • freakishlywrong

    The Voepel Dick.

    • The Voepel Disaster

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      He took his Voepel Dick in hand
      Longtime the Marxist foe he sought–
      So texted he by the Dumdum tree,
      And hit "reply" without thought

    • HateMachine

      One, two! One, two! And through and through
      The Voepel blade went snicker-snack!
      He left it dead, and with its head
      He went galumphing back.

    • JerkCade

      "And hast thou shamed the commie slope?
      Get back to work, you Cali prick!
      O fatuous day! You need a lay!"
      These assholes make me sick.

  • I respectfully decline to cooperate in any way with what I consider to be an enemy of the United States.

    Somebody hasn't checked the shelves of their local Walmart lately.

    • mormos


    • sullivanst

      Somebody also hasn't looked up the definition of "respectfully" in a while, either ;)

    • Arken

      Where do you think he got that tie?

      • James Michael Curley

        Design looks like a petrie dish culture for dysentery.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Somebody hasn't checked the shelves of their local Walmart lately.

      Or been paying attention to who Rupert Murdoch is married to.

  • Callyson

    Talk about an uncreative wingnut…all this jagoff had to do is send a signed photo with that "Best capitalist regards" greeting.


    • pinkocommi

      To really emphasize the capitalism, he could have charged for his autograph.

  • He's against enemies of the state?

    So he hates himself?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Then he went through the Panda Express drive-thru on the way home and yelled "FUCK YOU!" when they asked him what he wanted.

    • "But it's finger Ling-Ling good!"

    • Dashboard Buddha

      To which they replied, "NOT ON THE MENU, ASSHOLE! GO SUPERSIZE YOURSELF."

      • FNMA

        No, they replied, "Ten minutes."

    • mayor_quimby

      Oooooh, your Panda Express has a drivethu? What gilded private enclave do you l I've in, one-percenter?
      We have to get out and wait in line for our fluorescent sweet/sour meat substance!

    • Tundra Grifter

      He probably stopped going to Panda Express when he learned they don't really cook pandas.

  • SorosBot

    How will he keep fighting communism until the day he dies when it hasn't existed for twenty years?

    • That's why he'll fight tirelessly.

    • Larry McAwful

      Good point. I guess this proves that "Doctor Who" is real.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Somebody should tell the mayor, the good news about his fight again' commonism: he won! Now go retire to a golf course or something.

    • doloras

      Raúl Castro is very sad to hear you say that.

  • Gainsbourg69

    That man is a patriot.

    • AlaskaGrrl

      That man is a parrot.

      • TribecaMike

        Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I bet his next order of egg rolls comes with a very special sauce.

    • Schmannnity

      Sum Yung Gai sauce.

  • Sincerely yours

    Deng zhi yong

    It's sad to see how low the former lead singer of Styxx has fallen.

    • HarryButtle

      Domo arigato, Mr Roboto…

      I know, I know, that's JAPANESE not CHINESE. But in the spirit of Randy Voepel, they all look (sound) the same to him.

  • Schmannnity

    P.S. Your sister city is a slut.

    Best Capitalist regards,

    Randy Voepel

    • MadBrahms

      …at which point Santee receives a mystery shipment of Chinese aspirin

  • niblick77

    Wow, I thought Medicare Part B was supposed to help people like this afford their much needed medicine!

  • Best Capitalist regards

    He uses that word, but he obviously doesn't know what it means. Since he's working for his money and not living off his "capital", he's not any kind of "Capitalist".

    Typical wingnut.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Worse, he's in gummint, and gummint can't create ANY jobs.

  • mormos

    Hey, sometimes you're having a bad day and you just need to tell the chinese to go fuck themselves. We've all been there, right? right?… guys?

    • Only when they forget the pancakes for the Mu Shu.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Words fail. Wait, no they don't. This dude is a douchebag of the first water.

    • Jus_Wonderin


  • Why not just sign the email, "Mayor, the center for American rudeness City of Santee"

    or just Rude Fucker

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Is that guy, by any chance, Taiwanese? Because that would be sweet.

    • noodlesalad

      Probably not, his name is in pinyin, which is the romanization system they use on the mainland. Still, we can hope for some cosmic justice.

    • TribecaMike

      He would probably just say, "That wouldn't change the slant of my original reply."

    • Guppy

      If you believe there's more than one China, the State Department has a reeducation program for you!

  • ThankYouJeebus

    And they say letter writing is a lost art.

  • freakishlywrong

    Don't read the comments on that Patch article. One can see how this asswipe got elected. Santee is off the list now as well. (The fuck is Santee?)

    • SecretMuslin

      It's a shithole suburb of San Diego, primarily populated by desert rats.

    • CindynEncinitas

      Frighteningly close to Encinitas, I'm afraid…

    • Those of us in the blue parts of San Diego refer to Santee as "Santucky" due to number of sad trailer parks, meth labs and dumbass mayors. But there is alot of that going around in San Diego County.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Most Republicans feel the same way about California.

    • CindynEncinitas

      Yeah well fuck those guys.

  • coolhandnuke

    Mayor Voepel steadfastly refuses to ever watch one episode of Happy Days–because Arnold was a Yellow Commie Burger Flipping Terrorist–and any Karate Kid movie.
    But he has fapped to every Chuck Norris movie 5,673 times.

  • sullivanst

    That is exactly how to win the battle of hearts and minds.

    Just like that!

    Amercia, Fuck Yeah!

  • An_Outhouse

    What do you have to get an autographed naked picture of a mayor to fap to these days? Jeesh … over react much?

  • Baconzgood
  • Lascauxcaveman

    Lol, Mayor Randy is probably still pissed at Nixon for going touristing in Beijing, instead of nuking it. He's probably a fun guy to talks politics with.

    • RandPaulsToupee

      No, Fun Guy is going to be sending the next email.

  • Baconzgood

    NEEDZ MOAR "CHINK"!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Nostrildamus

    He took his Voepel sword in hand
    Long time the manxome foe he sought
    Till rested he by the Trucknutz tree
    And stood a while in thought.

    Update: Doktor StrangeZoom's version (in reply to 2nd comment) is way better. Send him some love p-ness.

  • edgydrifter

    He should have just sent a close-up photo of his junk, since he's clearly a colossal prick.

  • An_Outhouse

    I assume Randy Voepel doesn't shop at the Walmart located at 245 Town Center Pkwy
    Santee, CA

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Holy Fucking Fuck What the Fuck!? I don't even get that mad at the Nigerian scammers!

    • Larry McAwful

      Me, neither. And it pays! I got a good deal on yellowcake from them a couple weeks ago. I just sent them my bank's routing number—again—so hopefully they'll make with the delivery, pronto.

  • I'm shocked he didn't sign it "To Ching Chong Ding Dong, Keep 'em frying, Chinaman! Ruv, Mayol Voerper"

    • rickmaci

      That was his first draft. His secretary cleaned up the final copy.

  • MissTaken

    Please accept me as a very determined enemy, as I assume you to be to me.

    You know Mr Mayor, if you just politely ask for no MSG they'll usually grant your request.

    • CindynEncinitas

      If you're allergic ,or whatever.

  • MissTaken

    The People’s Republic of China is a repressive and evil communist regime that runs a Police State

    …In Bed!

    • Take it from me, there's no better place to run one from.

      • MadBrahms

        "Master of my domain" = "in control of the means of production"?

        • We beat them about the head if they do not comply.

          On With our massive nightsticks.

  • biblioteq_tress

    So, this Chinese guy has the nerve to compliment Voepel's governance and to admire the presumabl ycapitalist "attractive" economics of Santee. Dirty commie! No souvenirs for you, pinko! You'll probably just set them on fire during your May Day parade!

    • Chichikovovich

      I think what set Voepel off was the "Your city/county has charitable conventions". There's going to be no supporting mooching parasites on Randy Voepel's watch, nossir.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    How much do you want to bet his kid plays WoW with money he bought from a Chinese gold farmer?

  • Fairtackle

    Bet he kicks Shih Tzus . Bad. Ass.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Who the hell doesn't kick Shih Tzus? The yapping motherfuckers!

  • Goonemeritus

    The Irony is when I sent the same sort of letter as a child to a Chinese leader Mao Zedong promptly sent not only a signed photo but a jacket and little red book as well.

    • MadBrahms

      And he gave you a star! Kids love stars.

    • Larry McAwful

      When I was a kid, I wanted to write to Yuri Andropov. My dad told me not to, because he was in the Air Force, and was afraid this might reflect poorly on him if someone found out. He might have had a point; I don't know. It would've been cool to get some neat Soviet stuff, though.

    • rickmaci

      And the FBI has been following you ever since.

  • Wonderthing

    I totally agree with what he did. See, I'm an actor and once I got a letter in the mail from some dweeb in the midwest who had seen me in an episode of "Murder, She Wrote" and had the NERVE to request an autograph because, as he put it, "I am collecting autographs of minor actors in small roles." So, I wrote back to him and told him in no uncertain terms what a schmuck he was and what a loser. Oh. Wait. No. I sent him an autograph and a thank you for thinking of me. Whew. Close call on that one.

    • I did precisely the same thing to a reporter who wanted to interview me for the local rag The Times. Told her, "Tits or GTFO, hippie liberal!"

      I mean, I dropped the phone and had an orgasm, then thanked her and offered her a cigarette.

    • Chichikovovich

      That was you in that episode? You were terrific! Like they say, no small parts, only small actors….

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Peter Dinklage hates you now.

      • comrad_darkness

        I thought it was: no small parts, only white guys…

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      I remember that one time 3 days ago when I sent a story tip to the editrix of a political blog, and she replied back and said that if I wanted to, I could try writing up a blog post about it myself and maybe she'd publish it on the blog. So I promptly wrote back and told her that it's an editor's job to fucking EDIT the work that she PAYS people for, not to try to get free content, ya goddamn commie.

      Oh…actually, no, that's not what I did, either.

    • comrad_darkness

      Oh god, I lived with a roommate who was addicted to that show.

      I took the opportunity to drink heavily whenever it was on so I don't remember the plot of a single one of them.

      Nothing personal.

    • My parents were huge fans of that show. Used to drive me nuts. They would get worked up if it was delayed because of a football game, or because I was watching a game on another channel. I would get back at them by referring to it as "Hip, She Shattered" or "Geritol, She Chugged."

      • doloras

        Jessica Fletcher did all those murders herself.

        • Guppy

          It is the only logical conclusion. How come nobody else has noticed the long, long trail of bodies left wherever she happens to go?

      • stanpan

        When my son was a toddler, he loved the theme song. If we changed the channel during the open, he'd throw a fit.

    • Larry McAwful

      I'm currently writing a "Murder, She Wrote" fanfic! It's a crossover with "Law and Order SVU" and it has a talking rat in it. It's set in New York, of course, but later on the talking rat is going to leave New York and meet the cast of "Gilmore Girls", and later on, "Doctor Who". It's going to be epic.

      • Guppy

        Slash or GTFO

        • Larry McAwful

          Yeah, there's slash. The "Murder" part of the show's title kind of encourages it. Go Hudson U!

          • Guppy

            I'm… not sure you understand what is meant by slash fiction

  • Jus_Wonderin

    It's guys like this that remind me of that old classic "If I Had a Hammer".

  • CrunchyKnee

    So brave!

  • Chichikovovich

    If only every American had refused to send autographed pictures to Chinese collectors, Chiang Kai-Shek would never have been driven to Taiwan. And now it's too late. All because we wouldn't listen to Randy Voepel.

  • Estproph

    I had to google Santee CA to find out just where it is. Turns out, it's the last point east out of San Diego before you smack into a mountain headfirst. I think mayor Voepel didn't stop in time.

    • Santee IS very proud of its rocks.

      • sullivanst

        So proud, it elected one Mayor!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I've been in that neighborhood, and the mountains are the place to be. Apart from those devastating wildfires burning you out every other year, and the annual "June gloom" (persistent fog) its cooler and less muggy up there in the hills.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I see more work for volunteer Photoshoppers.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I have a bit of talent but no amount of Photoshop can remove the stain of dickhead on this dickhead.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        ADD the stain of dickhead!!

        • Jus_Wonderin

          I had to check, but there is a filter plugin for that.

  • Beowoof

    He is just showing his chops to get the ambassadorship to China. He'll put those commie pinko scum in their place.

    • Larry McAwful

      You know why we still have diplomatic relations with Red China? Because the president of the United States is a socialist. (He's also not white, either.)

  • Fare la Volpe

    Sounds like a ringing endorsement for the Romney campaign.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Gives me an idea though. I'd like Romney's autograph. And, then, I'd just need his checkbook (only for a day).

  • MadBrahms

    "Please accept me as a determined enemy"? Aww, he must be so lonely down in his volcano lair.

  • Exhausted66

    Somewhere, in China there's a restaurant without an autographed picture of Randy Voepel on the wall.

  • comrad_darkness

    What about the autograph hound's right to pursue happiness? Huh? Huh? Yeah, the little guy asking for weird collector's items is about a responsible for the communist party of China's policies as Randy here is of being responsible for the u.s. torture of prisoners in Iraq. It's just a pathetic excuse to be a total and utter asshole.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    It seems Randy doesn't care to garner the coveted Chinese autograph collector vote.

  • Arken

    Being an asshole to people is the best way to convert them to your ideology!

    • HippieEsq

      the Mormons are keen to prove your hypothesis.

  • Groupshrug

    In his defense, Randy Voepel is still upset about an incident early in his life when a Chinese man peed in his Coke.

    • RandPaulsToupee

      I just laughed for ten straight minutes. Thank you.

  • barto

    Dear Mayor of Freedoms and Humane Rights,

    Please remove all articles of clothing and any electronic devices you may be using and send them back to our country.

    Your Commicapitalistic Pals

  • Wilcoxyz

    Voepel let down America in Vietnam. If only he had tried harder, we might have won.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Voepel, Randy Cunningham and John McCain, with soldiers and sailors like that who needed the VC?

    • Generation[redacted]

      From reading his letter, he should have marched north to Beijing.

  • coolhandnuke

    …Mayor Randy Voepel recently switched parties and became an independent in the direction of the Tea Party..

    Does the Mayor know where most of the teas comes from?

    • sullivanst

      He doesn't want to know, <a href=" tea+in+china">not for all the tea in China.

    • Larry McAwful

      As a matter of fact, the first draft of his letter read, "I wouldn't send you a picture for all the tea in…" Then it stops and he sorta felt he had to start over.

  • HippieEsq

    He should have outsourced drafting of tihs email to Skoal Rebel. It's way too polite and well-punctutaed to be a valid specimen of American xenophobic digital chit-chat.

  • Larry McAwful

    Remember when the Soviets used to send requests for glossy photos to Ronald Reagan? When he became president, he turned around and started selling wheat to them, every year. And if memory serves, President Reagan never emptied our nuclear arsenal turning the Soviet Union into a sheet of radioactive glass, which is why he's a pinko commie traitor, unlike the patriotic Mayor Voepel.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    That's not such a big deal. Chris Christie talks that way to his constituents, except that he calls us morons instead of communists.

    • Larry McAwful

      Well, if he really believes he was elected by a majority, then he's over 50% right.

  • Beetagger

    They may be commies, but those girls sure know how to give a great massage.

  • ElPinche

    Is the mayor Santee the Gary Busey character in Black Sheep?
    He should have ended it with "I could go to your mama's and start a small fire in her panties, chink!! "

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    I remember Bill Hicks and patriotism-squarely-on-sleeves:

    "Hey, my father died for that flag."
    Really? I bought mine.
    "My father died in Korea for that flag."
    Small world! Mine was made in Korea.

  • pdiddycornchips

    So everyone in China is his enemy?

  • HarryButtle

    OK, did he SIGN the letter? With his AUTOGRAPH?

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Israel first. Because Nazis or something.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    They don't call it "Klantee" for nothing.

    • RandPaulsToupee

      For reals. I grew up in East San Diego County. It's just gotten dumber, if that's possible.

  • GortRay

    He don't eat no Chinese food. He eats Freedom food!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Dear Commie Pinko Scum:

    I received your letter, and it was all like ching chong ling long ding dong.

    Best Teatard Regards,

    Mayor of Crazytown

  • iburl

    "Best Capitalist regards" = "You Own Our Debt, Suckaz"

  • He took his Voepel sword in hand
    Long time the manxome foe he sought
    So rested he by the Tumtum tree
    And stood awhile in … thought?

  • pinkocommi

    Let's hope the Chinese don't take this "Randy Voepel incident" out on the rest of us when they are our overlords.

  • MosesInvests

    Randy Voepel=slithy tove.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Dear Mayor Voepel,

    We own you. Time to pay up.


  • 12X34X

    Ummm…somebody go tell this Teahadist that China has most favored trade nation status.

  • aguacatero

    It is well known that "signed photo" is communist slang for "precious bodily fluids."

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'll bet he would have sent an autographed photo to the Yellow Shirt Girl.

    With his phone number.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I took another look at Mayor Randy's photo and I'm very surprised he didn't write back "Deng, do you like gladiator movies? Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"

  • Antispandex

    That response wouldn't have even been appropriate if the guy began his spam by writing, "Dear Imperialist Pig". I was in the service during Viet Nam too, but I can still enjoy a tastey bowl of Pho now and then. The wars is over Mr. Mayor, you can get new parts for your head.

  • ttommyunger

    It is 2012. Anybody that believes that 'Nam had anything to do with Communism is too fucking clueless to hold any position of responsibility.

    • George Skullfry

      Also, this particular dingdong appears to have managed to miss noticing that NVN was a client of the USSR, not the PRC. A detail, but hey.

  • a_pink_poodle

    The disturbing part of his reply was when I realized it wasn't a comically exaggerated hypothetical response by Wonkette.

  • fuflans

    well now we know how the great chinese moonwar started.

  • Negropolis

    Okay, so it's exceedingly clear that this Voepel fella is a total dick, but this Deng zhi yong dude sounds like a dick, too, if even an unintentional one. If you're going to request something, do the general research you need before asking for shit. "City/county" my ass.

  • oinonio

    One, two! One, two! and through and through
    Voepel's tongue went snicker-snack!
    He left the matter dead, but to his dread,
    Couldn't take his idiot comments back.

    …I also suspect the autograph hound's family name is Deng.

  • notanncoulter

    Wait… Is this guy related to John Bolton?

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