Condoleezza Rice Changes Mind, Would Like To Be Vice President Now

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Haha, hey, remember this? It was the day after the 2008 election, and Condoleezza Rice was crying and smiling at the same time, like a crazy person, about the wondrous miracle that had occurred with Barack Hussein Obama being elected president of these United States. Now? Dr. Rice, it would seem, has had herself a little change of heart. Who understands America’s place in this world, Condi? Is it Nobama? No. It is not Nobama, because he is a lamer who apologizes for Amercia.

“If America is going to rebuild its strength at home, rebuild its sense of who we are, it needs a leader that also understands how really exceptional the United States of America is, and is not afraid to lead on the basis of that exceptionalism,” Rice told about 300 donors. “The only thing that people dislike more than unilateral American leadership is no American leadership at all.”

Yes, Condi Rice has endorsed Mitt Romney. Mittens, tell all your Pawlentys and your … other ones? … anyway, all those whitebread dudes that it is time for them to fuck off; you got you a real prospect this time around — and she comes with dominatrix boots.

[WINZ]

 

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{ 130 comments }

tihond May 31, 2012 at 1:24 pm

She's already got Jack Donaghy's vote.

raging_boehner May 31, 2012 at 1:52 pm

u + veep = :(

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Condi, have you always parted your teeth in the middle?

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 1:56 am

That is so mean…and I laughed like an angry/scared hyena.

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Exceptionalism and unilateral….Ain't those, you know, kinda the same thing?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Muammar Gaddafi would weep if he had lived through the lack of leadership to have seen this.

freakishlywrong May 31, 2012 at 1:35 pm

He and Osama could hold each other up.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 31, 2012 at 1:53 pm

This is what happens when you don't have the leadership to declare Mission Accomplished!

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Leadership = codpiece

Obama needs no codpiece, ergo, he's not a leader.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 1:56 pm

They could release Mubarak too to help console them both

veritass May 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm

DAT GAP

chascates May 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm

First she'll deal with Syria. Then Iran. Then North Korea. Then Venezuela. Then Cuba. Then . . .

Preferred Customer May 31, 2012 at 1:43 pm

…the Soviets. Those DAMN Soviets.

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Those Austro-Hungarians are looking mighty shifty.

Lascauxcaveman May 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I hope she takes out the Neanderthals. I always hated those guys.

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 1:57 am

As are the Yugoslavs and Ottomans.

Barb May 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm

We can put a man on the moon and we can't get one on Condi. So sad.

SorosBot May 31, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I don't think it's a man she wants on her.

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 1:36 pm

So Lindsey Graham will do nicely.

Guppy May 31, 2012 at 1:48 pm

She frequents lesbian dominatrix strip clubs?

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Define "frequents"

MosesInvests May 31, 2012 at 4:19 pm

No, you're thinking of Michael Steele.

Guppy May 31, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Pfft, Steele is totally a sub.

Ryy May 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Check her birth certificate!

Blueb4sunrise May 31, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Absotively. She even admitted she was an African American!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HippieEsq May 31, 2012 at 2:49 pm

A proud daughter of the South….South Africa? South Sudan? South Cuntzania?

Goonemeritus May 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Thank God, if she wins we can get back to nurturing world peace and global cooperation by bombing the shit out of everyone.

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Heh… I read that as "global corporation", and it still worked.

Callyson May 31, 2012 at 1:29 pm

“The only thing that people dislike more than unilateral American leadership is no American leadership at all.”

Yeah, because the idea that the United States might go for a third option, and actually work *with* other nations, is preposterous…

Bitch.

bumfug May 31, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Exceptional? As in the "Exceptional Olympics?" Like, "No, sweetie, not this one – you exceptional kids ride that short bus"?

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 1:29 pm

understands how really exceptional the United States of America is, and is not afraid to lead on the basis of that exceptionalism

You know what's really exceptional? Being able to read the words "Bin Ladin Determined To Strike In The US" and doing something other than just clearing Texas brush about it.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Clearly, she believed "Bin Laden" was a code word for the UAW.

comrad_darkness May 31, 2012 at 2:38 pm

He was too busy writing a policy speech on crushing the science of stem cells. No joke.

deanbooth May 31, 2012 at 4:33 pm

When she said, "I believe it was called…" while testifying to Congress, she secreted the inhuman.

noodlesalad May 31, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Sorry your boyfriend got blowed up, Condi. Libya and let Libya, ok? Haha, Love, O.

Gratuitous World May 31, 2012 at 1:32 pm

leadership is measured by the number of civilian deaths abroad (Browns).

Estproph May 31, 2012 at 1:32 pm
freakishlywrong May 31, 2012 at 1:32 pm

The…chemistry here..she looks like she could unhinge those teeth and take his stupid, hate-laughing head off. Plus..SHE'S FROM THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION. Ameriduh can NOT be ready for that yet, can it?

TootsStansbury May 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm

She also belongs in a Courtroom with the rest of those corrupt assholes.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Amercia, if you please.

hagajim May 31, 2012 at 1:32 pm

She's automatically disqualified from public service – ever, because she worked for the buffoon before Barry.

SorosBot May 31, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Four more wars!

SayItWithWookies May 31, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Oh pleeeease let her be Mittens' running mate — it would be wonderful to remind the American people of the galloping ignoramuses who used to run the country and who will all be slithering back into positions of power if Assbot gets elected.

Oh, and fuck you, Condi — no leadership?! The Recovery Act, the Affordable Care Act, getting us out of your fuckin' mess in Iraq, overthrowing Qaddafi without getting us stuck there for a decade — just fuck you.

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Also, Osama sleeps with da fishes.

ManchuCandidate May 31, 2012 at 1:33 pm

It's (not) too bad Muamar Ghadaffi is dead or he would write some more embarrassing love poetry/songs about Condi.

Condi my darling, you are my wargirl;
When we're together I feel fine.
Your smile is so lovely; your hair is so clean;
You make me feel that killing the world is fine.

Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi,
Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, C-O-N-D-I …
I named a supertanker after you.

Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi,
(pause) Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi,
Condi of mine!

Generation[redacted] May 31, 2012 at 2:25 pm

STEVE EARLE LIBEL!!!!111

Not_So_Much May 31, 2012 at 1:34 pm

No snark — if she did agree to prop up Mittens, I think it would be a major boost for his shitty campaign. The crazies could convince themselves to vote for a Blah chickenhawk in the #2 spot, since that wouldn't be too uppity of her.

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 2:00 am

Wait, who would she bring it that wasn't already voting, and you really think it would be more than the people that'd be turned off by the pick?

McCain already tried this. I say if they want to try a "game change", again, be my fucking guest. lol

Not_So_Much June 1, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I have some retar…conservative friends that are openly fapping to this idea. They can't stand Bamz being blah, but don't seem to have the same issue with her. I think because she isn't a complete idiot, proven bloodthirsty for some sweetsweet war, and could claim some foreign policy cred.

Plus, they probably think that if she was ok with touching W's penis, maybe she'll touch theirs too.

Schmannnity May 31, 2012 at 1:35 pm

What better proof of American Exceptionalism than the wit and wisdom of George W. Bush.

ThankYouJeebus May 31, 2012 at 1:36 pm

"I believe it was Bin Laden Determined to Attack in US."

Enough said.

Beetagger May 31, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Today, we are all war-mongering black lesbians.

edgydrifter May 31, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Doktor Ricelove may not know that the world has moved on from the good old days when Amercia just told every non-Soviet country what to do because fuck you shut up, that's why.

neiltheblaze May 31, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Oh good. Her temporary flirtation with sanity is over at last.

samsuncle May 31, 2012 at 1:37 pm

If the US is so exceptional why are we headed towards third world status with regards to disparity in personal income, health care, education, quality of life, etc?

Respitetini May 31, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Because we're doing it for freedom?

Fairtackle May 31, 2012 at 1:45 pm

ooh and liberty, don't forget liberty.

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 2:02 am

And, ultimately, for The Jesus. You forgot The Jesus.

edgydrifter May 31, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Obama's moral failings.

Blueb4sunrise May 31, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I hear that it's because Jeebus is pissed-off.

Ruhe May 31, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Because, as has been apparent for some time, when "they" say exceptional what they mean is that America and all good, God-fearing Americans are "excepted" from moral judgement. Our wondrous God-blessedness justifies all of our actions.

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Because America's the #1 greatest best most awesomest country evah and always, but only when the Preznit boasts about it constantly. Admitting that other countries exist and maybe have views of their own makes us weak, because that's how fuckin' awesome we are.

George Skullfry May 31, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Because America's the #1 greatest best most awesomest country evah and always, but only when the Preznit boasts about it constantly and is white.

Just a little clarification, there.

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 1:39 pm

War criminal says what?

Chichikovovich May 31, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Rice? Condolezza Rice? Hmmm…. Oh, yes, I remember – Condolezza Rice! She was the National Security Advisor on whose watch 9-11 happened. And said "no one could have predicted" that the airlines into buildings tactic might be used, even though a memo to that effect had been sitting right there on her desk. That's absolutely the kind of competent counsel we need to steer our nation.

Wile E. Quixote May 31, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Hell, even if she hadn't read the fucking memo you'd think that she might have read Tom Clancy.

mookwrthwilson May 31, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Well it has been what? 3.5 years? since we've had a full fledged war criminal as Veep…

DerrickWildcat May 31, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Basmati is arguably the best kind of rice. It's what they eat in the country of India.

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 2:03 am

It smells like popcorn when you cook it!

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 1:46 pm

This will be fun! There's currently a hole in my heart and that hole can only be filled with a Princess Sparkle Pony Condi Roundup
http://wonkette.com/389412/condi-classic-sitcom-r

SorosBot May 31, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Aw, I miss Princess Sparkle Pony. (And weirdly, that's the second reference to Small Wonder I've seen today).

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Ah, you don't have to call your penis Small Wonder

SorosBot May 31, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Hey-!

Designer_Radio May 31, 2012 at 7:18 pm

So was there a time several years ago where there were no comments on Wonkette? Or did they just get erased in a great Blog War?

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Every time I read the words "American Exceptionalism" I think, Decline and Fall: See Roman Empire

Ruhe May 31, 2012 at 1:55 pm

The Canadians are milling around on the banks of the Niagara. If that river freezes over we are screwed.

Designer_Radio May 31, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I read that they don't want to come because of our great per-capita indebtedness — could be a catching condition. But our land is fair game. That's why we borrow from China to build Nuke-Powered Aircraft-Landable Ball-Busters and parade our gun-toting, insane, Bloviating Ignoramuses around for anyone who cares to flip through the satellite teevee channels and wonder What The Fuck is WRONG with those people? Yeah, come and invade. We'll do a collective national underwear bombing of ourselves while giving you a bear hug, cuz we don' know no better. Or maybe we'll just all say, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?! We were about to lose our Senate to the Republitard Tealiban Christhadis! You have a different plan, right? RIIIIIGHT???"

Pseudonymously_Joe May 31, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Actually, I'm pretty okay with "no American leadership at all" if it means fewer unilateral wars of aggression and maybe also a little less of a surveillance state.

Let's let Britain have a go at it again, I say.

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm

What makes you think they ever stopped?

Ruhe May 31, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I voted for China years ago.

Mittens Howell, III May 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm

News Flash for Condi: Bin Laden Dead. Obama did it. Fuck you.

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I know, right. Hey Condi…what's missing from the situation room picture of when OBL got capped. You!

slowhansolo May 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Her boots are made for bombing. I think we're ready.

Guppy May 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Remind the electorate of the Bush administration? What could possibly go wrong?

Can we also look forward to Secretary of State Bolton in a Romney administration?

johnnyzhivago May 31, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Didn't she have something to do with that president who's name cannot be mentioned?? Shrub was it????

Sarah Palin comes with dominatrix boots too and has more executive experience (2 1/2 years – not counting her time as PTA president).

prommie May 31, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Truly the most incompetent, most Dunning-Krugerfied, of the Bush crowd of incompetents.

HippieEsq May 31, 2012 at 2:46 pm

I humbly offer up Alberto Gonzalez for this superlative, but picking the worst of the Bush Cabinet is like picking the worse jelly bean flavor….

prommie May 31, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Well, you may be right there, call it a toss-up. Both of them, when they were finally forced to testify, came across as complete maroons.

HippieEsq May 31, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Consider this: Condoleeza Rice was invited back to Stanford, while Alberto Gonzalez went unemployed for a year and then joined a law firm no one ever heard of in Birmingham.

Borderline unemployable Attorney General!

prommie June 1, 2012 at 11:10 am

Whats Stanford thinking?

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 2:05 am

I'd even put Ashcroft above her. I think her problem was that the consequences of her actions were further reaching than some of the others.

Lascauxcaveman May 31, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Condi may actually be a savvy pick for Mittens. Black, female, reputation as both cerebral and a 'tough cookie.' Could siphon off a lot of votes.

Plus they say the average American will vote for the candidate they'd most like to sit down and have a beer with throw in beer in their face and scream "War Criminal" at.

Pseudonymously_Joe May 31, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Plus, she has the closest approximation the Republicans have to "foreign policy gravitas".

The only problem I could see with her as Mittens' running mate is that she has all of the charisma of, well, Mitt Romney.

Lascauxcaveman May 31, 2012 at 2:00 pm

If I understand the ego of Mitt Romney like I think I do, he's going to want to make sure, whomever he picks, that he's the prettier of the two. I think Condi's got a real chance here.

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Mitt Romney is that bitchy chick in high school who befriended a fat girl just to look skinnier by comparison.

It certainly explains why he's obsessed with haircuts.

ThundercatHo May 31, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Do you think he will go for the nasty fat girl (Christy) or the nice one (Huckabee)?

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 2:06 am

Siphon off which votes? You're the second one to say this and I don't see it AT ALL. They already tried this stunt; it was called "Sarah Palin."

Come here a minute May 31, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Well one thing Condi's got going for her is she's got Snowbilly beat in the brains department — she finished college in three years, and even (gasp) taught at Stanford.

owhatever May 31, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Prove yourself, Condi. Shoot some old white guy in the face and get him to apologize to you. You already proved you could help start an unnecessary war against a country that had not attacked us.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Is Condi the model for the new logo, Editrix?

And if that question is out of line, I'll go put the gimp suit on. Again

gladly *squeal*

boobookitteh May 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm

She won't get the Armenian vote.
http://www.armenianweekly.com/2011/11/08/sassouni

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm

OK enough is enough meat org people. I know that you have a good cause. I'm not a large beef eater (the lil' lady is a vegetarian and since we live together that means there is little meat in the house), but can we get rid of the minced mystery meat ad and put back the sexy girls stuffing their face with phallic vegetables?

OldWhiteLies May 31, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Indeed. While I know it "pays the bills," I always feel close to retching if my eyes accidentally linger too long up there by mistake. Serious EWWW.

Alas that is by their design.

HempDogbane May 31, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I'm with you. But I also received a (late) birthday card today with Happy Birthday spelled out in bacon strips.

mavenmaven May 31, 2012 at 1:58 pm

She doesn't have enough messed up children to be GOP VP, family values and all that.

valthemus June 1, 2012 at 4:07 am

Give her a break! It's tricky for a gal to have a kid when she's only having sex with other women. A nightmare of logistics, it is!

Terry May 31, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Hey, Condi! Hillary is a MUCH better Secretary of State than you ever were. Suck on it.

rickmaci May 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Damn. I'm still trying to deal with the cat suit and whip. Not Condi's, Editrix's.

Beowoof May 31, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Looks to be a woman to party with.

An_Outhouse May 31, 2012 at 2:05 pm

NO EKSCUSES, NO APOLOGEES.

AMERCIA, FUCK YEAH!

Nostrildamus May 31, 2012 at 2:05 pm

"Rice Determined to Run in US"

elburritodeluxe May 31, 2012 at 2:11 pm

On Memorial Day I cut a check to Wounded Warriors, the non-profit which tries to salvage the lives of the untold thousands of men and women who were the footsoldiers in Condi's "American Leadership." I hope she does run and I hope she reminds Americans why we voted so overwhelmingly for Obama in '08.

OldWhiteLies May 31, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Exceptionalizm. I do sooo love that word (not). Let us examine at what, we in the US, would seem to be exceptional, at least as we are seen by much of the rest of the world, shall we?

The US is exceptionally self centered.
The US is exceptionally myopic. (Is that already a redundancy?)
The US is exceptionally unapologetic for its transgressions upon humanity.
The US is exceptionally unforgiving of all others whom it deems have transgressed against it.
The US is exceptionally disrepectful of other's sovereignty.
The US is exceptionally disrepectful of other's cultures.
The US is exceptionally imperialistic.
The US is exceptionally short-sighted.
The US is exceptional at incarcerating people, with and without due process.
The US is exceptional at making excuses for war.
The US is exceptional at oligarchy and its perpetuation.

I think the point here is that one's unqualified use of the word "exceptionalism," when one is speaking of the US in particular, is so fraught with moral repugnance as to immediately, irreparably, and irretrievably DISQUALIFY them from any position even remotely related to governing, in all its iterations.

mormos May 31, 2012 at 2:17 pm

manifest destiny: never out of style!

Beowoof May 31, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Thanks Condi, now get some coffee for us and get back to being the token most righties think you are.

Generation[redacted] May 31, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Unilateral American leadership? She forgot Poland!

Groupshrug May 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I think Mittens just locked up the blah people vote.

HippieEsq May 31, 2012 at 2:44 pm

"The only thing that people dislike more than unilateral American leadership is….BUSH".

(that means you, too, Condi).

AlaskaGrrl May 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm

“The only thing that people dislike more than unilateral American leadership is no American leadership at all.”

That and the bombing, the invading, the drone attacks….

Wile E. Quixote May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

(with apologies to Nat "King" Cole)

Condoleezza, Condoleezza
Daddy named you
You're so like a redneck with your gappy smile
Is it only cause you're crazy
They have blamed you
For that Condoleezza strangeness in your smile?

Did you smile to tempt Dick Cheney, Condoleezza?
Was that your way to inside his blackened heart?
Many memos have been placed upon your desktop
They just lie there, and they die there
If you want to read those memos, Condoleezza
The bin Laden one would be the place to start.

[instrumental interlude]

Do you smile to tempt Mitt Romney, Condoleezza?
Or is it just your way to hide your withered heart?
Many dreams have been brought to your doorstep
They just lie there, and they die there
Are you human, are you real, Condoleezza
Or just a cold and lying, crazy, right-wing tart?

MosesInvests May 31, 2012 at 4:27 pm

That was a thing of beauty.

George Skullfry May 31, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Goshamighty. You're good at this.

randcoolcatdaddy May 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Condi's laser eyes are just the thing RoboMitt needs for its campaign.

Designer_Radio May 31, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I don't think we want a vice president who pals around with war criminals.

TribecaMike May 31, 2012 at 9:18 pm

If she is asked and accepts, things just won't the same at Friday Night Open Mic night at Phil's Kon Tiki Lounge, and least until the second week of November..

ttommyunger May 31, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Condi is cunt enough to turn me racist.

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 1:55 am

“The only thing that people dislike more than unilateral American leadership is no American leadership at all.”

Yes, because this president has shown no leadership whatsoever, and your boss was a total profile in character. Fuck you, Condi. Fuck you, very much.

Negropolis June 1, 2012 at 2:01 am

BTW, when it comes to Rice, I like mine Susan, not Condi. And Sarah Palin likes her's Glenn, apparently.

valthemus June 1, 2012 at 4:08 am

Newt Gingrich demands the right to wag his finger at the NAACP and call them a bunch of lazy welfare leeches and Dr. CondiBitch says nothing. Am I really supposed to listen to her when she spouts off about "American exceptionalism"?

HippieEsq June 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Killer Sovietologist.

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