Stay calm...

Well doesn’t this just appear to be a promising comedy setup? Let’s just end the tension right now and tell you in advance, it is. But you knew this: It is a universal law of Reason that because Michele Bachmann does not believe in it, even seemingly mundane activities like Michele Bachmann sitting on an airplane next to a person with a Twitter account must bear comedy fruit. Today’s episode (which begins after the jump) answers the question, “What is Michele Bachmann reading these days?” Hint: IS CREEPY SHARIA CREEPING?

You can read the full Twitter saga here. Your editor has actually done some of this “editing” thing for once and reversed the Twitter stream so you may read in not-reverse chronological order:

“Penny” identifies this group as the weirdo cabal behind the book Bachmann is reading, but what we notice more than anything is that she sounds so focused! Notes on napkins! It’s nice to know that she at least works hard at all that crazy. [Twitter; thanks to Wonkette commenter “Limeylizzie”]

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  • nounverb911

    I thought Miche1e only flew by fapping her angel wings.

    • Is *that* what those things are called? I'd always heard "beef curtains," myself.

    • DahBoner

      My Sharia! Whoo.

    • When she gets enough headache pills in her she"s flying.

  • edgydrifter

    Michele probably through she was reading a cookbook.

    • Allah akbaclava!

      • MadBrahms

        A'salaam Alaycumin! Alayhi Salami!!

    • Fare la Volpe


  • Barb

    Lol @ uncucumbered. Too bad we can't say the same thing about Marcus.

    • Only when the other guy pulls out.

  • Wait. She can read?

    • nounverb911

      Were her lips moving?

      • It's hard to tell thru the glare off her eyes.

      • MadBrahms

        That only happens when she's muttering a malediction.

    • johnnymeatworth

      No, but she can apparently highlight like a sonofabitch.

      • RedneckMuslin

        She doesn't highlight, she colors.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Apparently she's been sniffing way too many highlighters.

    • Baconzgood

      I'm guessing she had an Archie comic in there. It explains the highlighter.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Damn, she can read a book and ride a broom?

    • nounverb911

      Distracted flying?

    • MadBrahms

      I'm pretty sure she leaves the broom riding to Marcus, if you know what I mean.

    • Look, Ma, no hands!

  • MadBrahms

    ♪ Muh muh muh myyyy Sharia ♪

    Sorry, that gets in my head every time. Oh, Michelle. If I was on that plane I would have started praying in Arabic, or fake Arabic, just for shits.

    • And you woulda had 'em too when she leapt out of her seat and started screeching in that whining nasal moo about Mooselump sharias infiltrating our airlines.

    • MosesInvests

      Allahu akbar, Allahu akbar-Allaaaaaahu akbaaaaaar, Allahu akbar. A- shadwan la illah illa Allah, a-shadwan la illahah illa Allah….

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      She's a religious loon so she probably would just think you were speaking-in-tongues & probably would join you.

  • comrad_darkness

    What she really needs is a straight husband who will pat her on the head and say, "Don't worry your pretty little head about anything."

    What she has is someone who says, "Hey, this outfit will match the cover of that paranoid delusional book divinely!"

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Was she flying First Crass?

    • HogeyeGrex

      No. If she were, she would have been reading about the Yellow Peril.

  • coolhandnuke

    On a wingnut and a prayer is how that plane made its "final destination."
    I really miss George Carlin.

    • MosesInvests

      Hey, "Captain"-Air Marshall Carlin says to STFU!

  • SorosBot

    At least she didn't start eating a homeless man's face off – yet.

    • Fare la Volpe



  • OkieDokieDog

    Can't have those pesky Muslin Brothers infiltrating the skoolz and stuffs. That's the job of the Xtian Brothers-in-KKK-hoods.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Just like creationists must adhere to Genesis, Christian end-times hawks must adhere to everything they fucking hear on Fox News.

  • CivicHoliday

    It kinda makes you wonder what might happen if you snuck a science textbook into the dust jacket of one of her anti-global warming, anti-Islam, or anti-affirmative action books. Might she accidentally learn something after the highlighter explodes from overuse?

    • FNMA

      "So, the Earth is round now? Who knew?"

      • Larry McAwful

        Oh, jeez… a round-earther! Look, that's just a theory, okay?

    • You ever try studying when you're high from sniffing highlighter?

      I hear it don't work so good.

  • Did she order the steak or the fish?

  • Baconzgood


    -William "The Shat-man" Shatner-

    • 12X34X

      Wipe that Sharia off your shoes before you approach the holodeck."

  • JustPixelz

    Michele and her like-minded dimwits remind me of the opening scene in the movie M*A*S*H. All the doctors are on the helipad watching for the incoming wounded. Then the helicopter flies in from behind them.

    While Michele and the Tealiban are on guard for infiltrating Sharia Law, billionaires are implementing their version of The Golden Rule.

    • NB: Michele and the Tealiban know this. They've been paid off to screech loudly and distract the rest of us who might want to *do* something about it.

    • sullivanst

      billionaires are implementing their version of The Golden Rule.

      Presumably, that's "those with the most gold, rule".

  • scorpy1

    Nah, the truly hard working crazies write their notes on their hands.

  • SoBeach

    "Sharia – The Threat To America" gets the same response from wingnut women that "50 Shades of Grey" gets from soccer moms.

    • doloras

      You mean, *schlick* *schlick* *schlick*?

  • poorgradstudent

    According to al-Wikipedia practicing Muslims only make up .6% of the American population, less than Judaism and Buddhism. But they keep their numbers small exactly so we won't see sharia coming!

    • Fare la Volpe

      It's actually closer to a billion Muslims in the world, BUT WHO'S COUNTING? Not Michele, that's for sure. She can't even count L's in her name.

      • poorgradstudent

        I guess the sharia law conspiracy theory kind of, sort of, maybe, if I'm standing on my head makes sense if you think the millions of Muslims out there are giving support to the .6% here, or something (I don't want to think too hard about it because I'm afraid I'd never be able to get back!), but even then it's like Iran getting worried that the Zoroastrians are going to take over again. Hell, maybe less plausible…

        • Fare la Volpe

          At least it's not those damn Raelians.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Which aliens were they on Star Trek? Were they the blue folks with the antenna tubes?

  • bumfug

    Marcus was reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey".

    • poorgradstudent
      • bumfug

        I heard that last week, it's hilarious. Imagine the AFLAC duck screaming "Cli-TOR-is!!!!"

        • poorgradstudent

          I know! I think I've watched it 200 times in the past week already.

          • Fare la Volpe

            I watched it at work.

            My boss approved.

      • I tried to read that book. Got four pages in and realized the author was just about the worst I'd ever read. I've heard the porn is good, but I can write good porn too, so I really don't need to read someone else fapping.

        But Gilbert Gottfried reading it? That would be worth sitting through.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          When Stephenie Meyer says you're writing is bad you know it's bad.

    • StarsUponThars

      Because he thought it was "Fifty Shades of Gay."

      • iburl


  • What she didn't mention is that she was highlighting a Kindle.

    • BTW, this is why we don't have book burnings in the 21st century.

    • OldWhiteLies


      This gets my Nearly Falls From Chair Cackling While Others Stare In Bemused Resignation award for today

  • iburl

    Again, when Sharia law has more sway over my life than all these Christian laws I live under, I'll start to give a shit.

  • MissTaken

    She's getting her highlighter out…

    Highlighting helps to focus when reading. Perhaps Michele should highlight the television camera the next time she is interviewed.

    • But then she'd look all jaundiced and no one would take her ser–


  • JustPixelz

    Penny was able to summarize Bachmann's intellectual prowess in less than 140 characters with enough left over for Miley Cyrus gossip, if she wanted to send that too.

    • "Duh" is only 3 characters. "Huh" a further three.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Penny was in the army? Obviously a lesbo trying to attack her. Michele is lucky to have survived!

  • Baconzgood

    There is a flying and bat shit crazy snark in there but I just can't flush it out.

  • metamarcisf

    Napkins? What, her hand wasn't available?

    • She's just not as good as Sister Scarah.

  • HippieEsq

    Doesn't this guy have a constitutional duty to throw her off sans parachute from 35K feet? If not then what good is all that army training for….

    • Uh … Penny appears to be one of those vagina guys.

      • HippieEsq

        the avatar is utterly ambiguous and I'm too old to undestand/use Twitter, but it doesn't matter— Penny dude/dudette needs to sack-up/ovary-up and commit the patriotic act of a lifetime!

  • Nostrildamus

    Michele, you know what's really a creeping threat?

    Marcus. At night. Down a back alley. Wearing leather underwear.

    • No, no, that's creep-Y. I think a creeping threat is, like, kudzu, or something.

  • Larry McAwful

    The Muslim Brotherhood has been having trouble getting a guy elected in Egypt. Evidently that's because they've been pouring all their resources into winning every school board election in the United States. That does explain a lot—except for why there still isn't any funding for Arabic-language programs at any of the high schools around here.

    • Chichikovovich

      Easy to explain. It would totally bust them if naive, unsuspecting Christians learn Arabic. They'll be able to read the signs all around the PTA office reading "5:30 Wednesday at Mosque bookstore, Meet Mohammed Al-Slashi, author of Raising a Teenager who Thirsts for the Blood of the Unbelievers in a Secular World" and "5:00 Tuesday. Gardening tips: The Sharia way to raise Gladiolas and Orchids in a Home Greenhouse. Bring own trowels, full burqa required."

    • Yea, you'd think but you'd be wrong

      • MosesInvests

        Didja see the principals name? Rosen! A Joo! But-but-the Joos hate the Ayrabs and the Muslins! (Loud sound of thousands of right *and* left wingnut heads assploding)

  • Generation[redacted]

    Sharia has infiltrated our society? Does that mean we can take Friday off?

  • She is prolly reading it for pointers on how to make all of us her special flavor of Xtian.

  • Fairtackle

    Maybe she was highlighting the parallells between Sharia and Evangelical law.

  • AutomaticPilot

    Penny is a hero and a national treasure.

  • She's all into stealth religious infiltrators – it's like the school board election that started her. She's not crazy – she's just sick.

  • elburritodeluxe

    This is a complete hoax.
    1. How is she tweeting from a plane?
    2. Since when can Michele Bachmann read?

  • Baconzgood

    Did she order the halal meal?

  • niblick77

    I did not think that Michele believed in the science of plane flight…………

  • BaldarTFlagass

    How is it that Limey Lizzie is only a "commenter" and not an "operative?" Seems sexist.

    • prommie

      I'm an "operative." Must be some kind of penis requirement.

      • Limeylizzie

        I have been called an operative before, maybe it's because I just put this in the comments and not as a tip.

        • WIDTAP

          Remember, always tip your Editrix 20%.

          Ewww, that sounded dirty.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Of course not, as it is well known to cause mental retardation.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Where she was highlighting the whole page is probably the section in the book on where the Koran discusses how a Kenyan Messiah will take the throne of the American Caliphate and finally impose Sharia Law across the world.

  • I can't believe they allow her to travel without handlers and restraints.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      "They" being the voices in her head?

      • Her owners/constituents/family. SOMEbody's gotta be responsible for that dingbat.

  • rickmaci

    Sounds like a plot from the old Twilight Zone: 61 minutes into a 60 minute flight and you realize this flight will not end and you are stuck in that seat forever next to a bat shit crazy lunatic passenger.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      No…Michele is that scary troll thing out on the wing throwing copies of the koran into the jet engine. I think the episode was "Sharia at 30,000 Feet"

  • chascates

    Will someone change the words to 'Waltzing Matilda' to 'Creeping Sharia'?

    "Creeping Sharia, Creeping Sharia
    Creeping Sharia is coming for you . . ."

    • Nostrildamus

      Once a jolly A-rab
      Sat beside a public school
      Under the guise of liberal multiculturalism.
      And he sang as he sat
      Infiltratoring that public school
      You'll be sharia, sharia for me.

      Everybody NOW !!!

      Creeping sharia, Creeping sharia …

  • didgen

    There must be some sort of reimbursement for your ticket when you get that kind of unlucky in seatmate. Perhaps all expense paid trip to….

  • sullivanst

    Well, this is priceless.

    The authors include Andrew McCarthy.

    Only names I recognize among the rest of 'em are notorious lying Islamophobes Frank Gaffney, James Woolsey and Gen. Boykin

    • ratcityrebel

      Some guy named "Ace" Lyons. That is truly a kick-sharia-ass name.

  • comrad_darkness

    In the end America was destroyed by Creeping Dipshit.

  • pinkocommi

    The "Sharia Threat" book cover is a great way to hide the fact that Michelle Bachmann really was reading, "The Secret Lives of Married Men: Interviews With Gay Men Who Played It Straight ."

    • Sheesko

      Or Fifty Shades of Gray.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought this would happen to me but there I was on a 737 sitting next to Michele Bachman…

    • Tommy1733

      Next thing I knew I had lured her into the bathroom. My lesbian friend came in to join us but Michelle ran out screaming.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        …much to our surprise and amusement, one of the sky marshals didn't know who she was and thinking she was a threat, wrestled her to the deck. The plane had to be diverted to a closer airport so she could be handed over to DHS officials.

        • Tommy1733

          …and then the story starts to get really sexy…

  • Tommy1733

    "It’s nice to know that she at least works hard at all that crazy." – but this is her full-time job – of course she works hard at it. Besides, cognitive dissonance cannot be left to run its course else it will fade, leaving…what?

  • barto

    I suppose I'm somewhat relieved to hear that she can actually read. This must account for her rise to the top of the knuckledragger ranks.

  • Joey_Blau

    thanks for editing! editor!

  • Next person who sits next to her on a plane should try to convert her to secularism, or at least realism.

  • Antispandex

    I have so often wondered how Ms. Bachmann manages to out-do everyone else at bringing the crazy. She works at it! Thanks, I can now understand it…no, shit, I can't, but I have a hard time understanding mental illness. I should take a class.

    • George Skullfry

      An oblique nod to Donna (RIP): "She works hard for the crazy".

  • NYNYNYjr

    Threat to America? Who gives a fuck?
    Amercia has built a strong bulwark against this enemy. Now we just got to get these mormon infiltrators out and Amercia will be perfect.

  • ttommyunger

    Do not believe this dizzy twat reads. In public, a book is often a polite way of saying: "Fuck off, I don't want to talk".

  • DahBoner

    The Law of Gravity is just a theory.

    How does she fly without a broom up her ass???

  • Sheesko

    I'll bet Sharia Law is infiltrating wombs now, also. Will Michele soon advocate abortions based on Muslim fetus identification? If not, WHY NOT? We know that a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. It's hard to get littler than her "mind."


    Don't you just hate it when Michele takes a yellow highlighter to her iPad?

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