CAN WE GET AN AMEN?  2:45 pm May 31, 2012

Michele Bachmann Is Eternally Hilarious, Airplane Reading Edition

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Stay calm...

Well doesn’t this just appear to be a promising comedy setup? Let’s just end the tension right now and tell you in advance, it is. But you knew this: It is a universal law of Reason that because Michele Bachmann does not believe in it, even seemingly mundane activities like Michele Bachmann sitting on an airplane next to a person with a Twitter account must bear comedy fruit. Today’s episode (which begins after the jump) answers the question, “What is Michele Bachmann reading these days?” Hint: IS CREEPY SHARIA CREEPING?

You can read the full Twitter saga here. Your editor has actually done some of this “editing” thing for once and reversed the Twitter stream so you may read in not-reverse chronological order:









“Penny” identifies this group as the weirdo cabal behind the book Bachmann is reading, but what we notice more than anything is that she sounds so focused! Notes on napkins! It’s nice to know that she at least works hard at all that crazy. [Twitter; thanks to Wonkette commenter "Limeylizzie"]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 133 comments }

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I thought Miche1e only flew by fapping her angel wings.

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Is *that* what those things are called? I'd always heard "beef curtains," myself.

DahBoner May 31, 2012 at 10:15 pm

My Sharia! Whoo.

trampndirtdown June 1, 2012 at 12:26 am

When she gets enough headache pills in her she"s flying.

edgydrifter May 31, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Michele probably through she was reading a cookbook.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Allah akbaclava!

MadBrahms May 31, 2012 at 2:59 pm

A'salaam Alaycumin! Alayhi Salami!!

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 3:02 pm

A'salaad al acarte!

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

IT'S A COOKBOOK. IT'S A COOKBOOK.

Barb May 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Lol @ uncucumbered. Too bad we can't say the same thing about Marcus.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Only when the other guy pulls out.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Wait. She can read?

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Were her lips moving?

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 2:51 pm

It's hard to tell thru the glare off her eyes.

MadBrahms May 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm

That only happens when she's muttering a malediction.

johnnymeatworth May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

No, but she can apparently highlight like a sonofabitch.

RedneckMuslin May 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm

She doesn't highlight, she colors.

Texan_Bulldog May 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Apparently she's been sniffing way too many highlighters.

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I'm guessing she had an Archie comic in there. It explains the highlighter.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Reggie's naughty bits?

Jus_Wonderin May 31, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Damn, she can read a book and ride a broom?

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Distracted flying?

MadBrahms May 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I'm pretty sure she leaves the broom riding to Marcus, if you know what I mean.

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Look, Ma, no hands!

MadBrahms May 31, 2012 at 2:50 pm

♪ Muh muh muh myyyy Sharia ♪

Sorry, that gets in my head every time. Oh, Michelle. If I was on that plane I would have started praying in Arabic, or fake Arabic, just for shits.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm
MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 3:43 pm

And you woulda had 'em too when she leapt out of her seat and started screeching in that whining nasal moo about Mooselump sharias infiltrating our airlines.

MosesInvests May 31, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Allahu akbar, Allahu akbar-Allaaaaaahu akbaaaaaar, Allahu akbar. A- shadwan la illah illa Allah, a-shadwan la illahah illa Allah….

Butch_Wagstaff May 31, 2012 at 4:53 pm

She's a religious loon so she probably would just think you were speaking-in-tongues & probably would join you.

comrad_darkness May 31, 2012 at 2:51 pm

What she really needs is a straight husband who will pat her on the head and say, "Don't worry your pretty little head about anything."

What she has is someone who says, "Hey, this outfit will match the cover of that paranoid delusional book divinely!"

EatsBabyDingos May 31, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Was she flying First Crass?

HogeyeGrex May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

No. If she were, she would have been reading about the Yellow Peril.

coolhandnuke May 31, 2012 at 2:53 pm

On a wingnut and a prayer is how that plane made its "final destination."
I really miss George Carlin.

MosesInvests May 31, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Hey, "Captain"-Air Marshall Carlin says to STFU!

SorosBot May 31, 2012 at 2:53 pm

At least she didn't start eating a homeless man's face off – yet.

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

yet.

Again.

OkieDokieDog May 31, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Can't have those pesky Muslin Brothers infiltrating the skoolz and stuffs. That's the job of the Xtian Brothers-in-KKK-hoods.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ May 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Just like creationists must adhere to Genesis, Christian end-times hawks must adhere to everything they fucking hear on Fox News.

CivicHoliday May 31, 2012 at 2:55 pm

It kinda makes you wonder what might happen if you snuck a science textbook into the dust jacket of one of her anti-global warming, anti-Islam, or anti-affirmative action books. Might she accidentally learn something after the highlighter explodes from overuse?

FNMA May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

"So, the Earth is round now? Who knew?"

Larry McAwful May 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Oh, jeez… a round-earther! Look, that's just a theory, okay?

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 3:46 pm

You ever try studying when you're high from sniffing highlighter?

I hear it don't work so good.

imissopus May 31, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Did she order the steak or the fish?

AutomaticPilot May 31, 2012 at 3:16 pm

She had the lasagna.

Wonkette, Refudiated May 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Leg her down and smack -em yak -em!

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 2:56 pm

THERE'S SHARIA ON THE WING OF THE PLANE!!!!

-William "The Shat-man" Shatner-

12X34X May 31, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Wipe that Sharia off your shoes before you approach the holodeck."

JustPixelz May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Michele and her like-minded dimwits remind me of the opening scene in the movie M*A*S*H. All the doctors are on the helipad watching for the incoming wounded. Then the helicopter flies in from behind them.

While Michele and the Tealiban are on guard for infiltrating Sharia Law, billionaires are implementing their version of The Golden Rule.

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 3:48 pm

NB: Michele and the Tealiban know this. They've been paid off to screech loudly and distract the rest of us who might want to *do* something about it.

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 4:05 pm

billionaires are implementing their version of The Golden Rule.

Presumably, that's "those with the most gold, rule".

scorpy1 May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Nah, the truly hard working crazies write their notes on their hands.

SoBeach May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

"Sharia – The Threat To America" gets the same response from wingnut women that "50 Shades of Grey" gets from soccer moms.

doloras May 31, 2012 at 6:36 pm

You mean, *schlick* *schlick* *schlick*?

poorgradstudent May 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

According to al-Wikipedia practicing Muslims only make up .6% of the American population, less than Judaism and Buddhism. But they keep their numbers small exactly so we won't see sharia coming!

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 3:22 pm

It's actually closer to a billion Muslims in the world, BUT WHO'S COUNTING? Not Michele, that's for sure. She can't even count L's in her name.

poorgradstudent May 31, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I guess the sharia law conspiracy theory kind of, sort of, maybe, if I'm standing on my head makes sense if you think the millions of Muslims out there are giving support to the .6% here, or something (I don't want to think too hard about it because I'm afraid I'd never be able to get back!), but even then it's like Iran getting worried that the Zoroastrians are going to take over again. Hell, maybe less plausible…

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 3:38 pm

At least it's not those damn Raelians.

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Which aliens were they on Star Trek? Were they the blue folks with the antenna tubes?

bumfug May 31, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Marcus was reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey".

poorgradstudent May 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm
bumfug May 31, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I heard that last week, it's hilarious. Imagine the AFLAC duck screaming "Cli-TOR-is!!!!"

poorgradstudent May 31, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I know! I think I've watched it 200 times in the past week already.

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I watched it at work.

My boss approved.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I tried to read that book. Got four pages in and realized the author was just about the worst I'd ever read. I've heard the porn is good, but I can write good porn too, so I really don't need to read someone else fapping.

But Gilbert Gottfried reading it? That would be worth sitting through.

Butch_Wagstaff May 31, 2012 at 5:08 pm

When Stephenie Meyer says you're writing is bad you know it's bad.

StarsUponThars May 31, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Because he thought it was "Fifty Shades of Gay."

iburl May 31, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Ghey

johnnyzhivago May 31, 2012 at 2:58 pm

What she didn't mention is that she was highlighting a Kindle.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 2:59 pm

BTW, this is why we don't have book burnings in the 21st century.

Wile E. Quixote May 31, 2012 at 3:30 pm
actor212 May 31, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I never get tired of that one

OldWhiteLies May 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm

BRILLIANT JZ!

This gets my Nearly Falls From Chair Cackling While Others Stare In Bemused Resignation award for today

iburl May 31, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Again, when Sharia law has more sway over my life than all these Christian laws I live under, I'll start to give a shit.

MissTaken May 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm

She's getting her highlighter out…

Highlighting helps to focus when reading. Perhaps Michele should highlight the television camera the next time she is interviewed.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 3:38 pm

But then she'd look all jaundiced and no one would take her ser–

Oh.

JustPixelz May 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Penny was able to summarize Bachmann's intellectual prowess in less than 140 characters with enough left over for Miley Cyrus gossip, if she wanted to send that too.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 3:05 pm

"Duh" is only 3 characters. "Huh" a further three.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Penny was in the army? Obviously a lesbo trying to attack her. Michele is lucky to have survived!

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm

There is a flying and bat shit crazy snark in there but I just can't flush it out.

metamarcisf May 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Napkins? What, her hand wasn't available?

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 4:01 pm

She's just not as good as Sister Scarah.

HippieEsq May 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Doesn't this guy have a constitutional duty to throw her off sans parachute from 35K feet? If not then what good is all that army training for….

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Uh … Penny appears to be one of those vagina guys.

HippieEsq May 31, 2012 at 4:11 pm

the avatar is utterly ambiguous and I'm too old to undestand/use Twitter, but it doesn't matter— Penny dude/dudette needs to sack-up/ovary-up and commit the patriotic act of a lifetime!

Nostrildamus May 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Michele, you know what's really a creeping threat?

Marcus. At night. Down a back alley. Wearing leather underwear.

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 4:02 pm

No, no, that's creep-Y. I think a creeping threat is, like, kudzu, or something.

Larry McAwful May 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm

The Muslim Brotherhood has been having trouble getting a guy elected in Egypt. Evidently that's because they've been pouring all their resources into winning every school board election in the United States. That does explain a lot—except for why there still isn't any funding for Arabic-language programs at any of the high schools around here.

Chichikovovich May 31, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Easy to explain. It would totally bust them if naive, unsuspecting Christians learn Arabic. They'll be able to read the signs all around the PTA office reading "5:30 Wednesday at Mosque bookstore, Meet Mohammed Al-Slashi, author of Raising a Teenager who Thirsts for the Blood of the Unbelievers in a Secular World" and "5:00 Tuesday. Gardening tips: The Sharia way to raise Gladiolas and Orchids in a Home Greenhouse. Bring own trowels, full burqa required."

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Yea, you'd think but you'd be wrong

MosesInvests May 31, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Didja see the principals name? Rosen! A Joo! But-but-the Joos hate the Ayrabs and the Muslins! (Loud sound of thousands of right *and* left wingnut heads assploding)

Generation[redacted] May 31, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Sharia has infiltrated our society? Does that mean we can take Friday off?

Maman May 31, 2012 at 3:13 pm

She is prolly reading it for pointers on how to make all of us her special flavor of Xtian.

Fairtackle May 31, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Maybe she was highlighting the parallells between Sharia and Evangelical law.

AutomaticPilot May 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Penny is a hero and a national treasure.

yellowerdog May 31, 2012 at 3:24 pm

She's all into stealth religious infiltrators – it's like the school board election that started her. She's not crazy – she's just sick.

elburritodeluxe May 31, 2012 at 3:24 pm

This is a complete hoax.
1. How is she tweeting from a plane?
2. Since when can Michele Bachmann read?

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Did she order the halal meal?

niblick77 May 31, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I did not think that Michele believed in the science of plane flight…………

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 3:31 pm

How is it that Limey Lizzie is only a "commenter" and not an "operative?" Seems sexist.

prommie May 31, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I'm an "operative." Must be some kind of penis requirement.

Limeylizzie May 31, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I have been called an operative before, maybe it's because I just put this in the comments and not as a tip.

WIDTAP June 1, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Remember, always tip your Editrix 20%.

Ewww, that sounded dirty.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 31, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Of course not, as it is well known to cause mental retardation.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 31, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Where she was highlighting the whole page is probably the section in the book on where the Koran discusses how a Kenyan Messiah will take the throne of the American Caliphate and finally impose Sharia Law across the world.

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I can't believe they allow her to travel without handlers and restraints.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 31, 2012 at 4:20 pm

"They" being the voices in her head?

MittBorg May 31, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Her owners/constituents/family. SOMEbody's gotta be responsible for that dingbat.

rickmaci May 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Sounds like a plot from the old Twilight Zone: 61 minutes into a 60 minute flight and you realize this flight will not end and you are stuck in that seat forever next to a bat shit crazy lunatic passenger.

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 4:16 pm

No…Michele is that scary troll thing out on the wing throwing copies of the koran into the jet engine. I think the episode was "Sharia at 30,000 Feet"

chascates May 31, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Will someone change the words to 'Waltzing Matilda' to 'Creeping Sharia'?

"Creeping Sharia, Creeping Sharia
Creeping Sharia is coming for you . . ."

Nostrildamus May 31, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Once a jolly A-rab
Sat beside a public school
Under the guise of liberal multiculturalism.
And he sang as he sat
Infiltratoring that public school
You'll be sharia, sharia for me.

Everybody NOW !!!

Creeping sharia, Creeping sharia …

trampndirtdown June 1, 2012 at 12:24 am

Brilliant!

didgen May 31, 2012 at 3:58 pm

There must be some sort of reimbursement for your ticket when you get that kind of unlucky in seatmate. Perhaps all expense paid trip to….

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Well, this is priceless.

The authors include Andrew McCarthy.

Only names I recognize among the rest of 'em are notorious lying Islamophobes Frank Gaffney, James Woolsey and Gen. Boykin

ratcityrebel May 31, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Some guy named "Ace" Lyons. That is truly a kick-sharia-ass name.

comrad_darkness May 31, 2012 at 4:05 pm

In the end America was destroyed by Creeping Dipshit.

pinkocommi May 31, 2012 at 4:07 pm

The "Sharia Threat" book cover is a great way to hide the fact that Michelle Bachmann really was reading, "The Secret Lives of Married Men: Interviews With Gay Men Who Played It Straight ."

Sheesko June 1, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Or Fifty Shades of Gray.

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought this would happen to me but there I was on a 737 sitting next to Michele Bachman…

Tommy1733 May 31, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Next thing I knew I had lured her into the bathroom. My lesbian friend came in to join us but Michelle ran out screaming.

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 4:51 pm

…much to our surprise and amusement, one of the sky marshals didn't know who she was and thinking she was a threat, wrestled her to the deck. The plane had to be diverted to a closer airport so she could be handed over to DHS officials.

Tommy1733 June 1, 2012 at 6:03 am

…and then the story starts to get really sexy…

Tommy1733 May 31, 2012 at 4:30 pm

"It’s nice to know that she at least works hard at all that crazy." – but this is her full-time job – of course she works hard at it. Besides, cognitive dissonance cannot be left to run its course else it will fade, leaving…what?

barto May 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I suppose I'm somewhat relieved to hear that she can actually read. This must account for her rise to the top of the knuckledragger ranks.

Joey_Blau May 31, 2012 at 4:39 pm

thanks for editing! editor!

Thedongsofwar May 31, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Next person who sits next to her on a plane should try to convert her to secularism, or at least realism.

Antispandex May 31, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I have so often wondered how Ms. Bachmann manages to out-do everyone else at bringing the crazy. She works at it! Thanks, I can now understand it…no, shit, I can't, but I have a hard time understanding mental illness. I should take a class.

George Skullfry June 1, 2012 at 2:17 am

An oblique nod to Donna (RIP): "She works hard for the crazy".

NYNYNYjr May 31, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Threat to America? Who gives a fuck?
Amercia has built a strong bulwark against this enemy. Now we just got to get these mormon infiltrators out and Amercia will be perfect.

ttommyunger May 31, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Do not believe this dizzy twat reads. In public, a book is often a polite way of saying: "Fuck off, I don't want to talk".

DahBoner May 31, 2012 at 10:13 pm

The Law of Gravity is just a theory.

How does she fly without a broom up her ass???

Sheesko June 1, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I'll bet Sharia Law is infiltrating wombs now, also. Will Michele soon advocate abortions based on Muslim fetus identification? If not, WHY NOT? We know that a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. It's hard to get littler than her "mind."

WIDTAP June 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Don't you just hate it when Michele takes a yellow highlighter to her iPad?

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