RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  10:40 am May 31, 2012

The Senate Furniture That Fell Off The Back Of A Truck

by Sulagna Misra

Pour Corn Sugar On MeThe news today is actually a guide to buying government furniture (it belongs to us, right?), knowing the difference between corn syrup and corn sugar (one doesn’t exist), and having awkward conversations in real life and angry ones on the Internet.
  • Someone illegally sold a ton of Senate furniture. His selling point was likely how comfy it is, considering how often our Congressmen fall asleep on the job. Burn! Except, if you’ve ever looked in the background on C-SPAN, someone has usually fallen asleep. [Washington Post]
  • FDA rules that corn syrup cannot change their name to corn sugar, cos neither of those sound appetizing anyway. [NPR]
  • Not good at conversation? Want to make things awkward to get people to notice you? Ask them about how much they make and start a lively debate on pay discrimination and lower your already crap self esteem by finding out everyone is paid better than you are! [Salon]
  • Let’s change the Constitution by asking random people on the Internet for help! Yeah, that’ll work. Have at it, Wonkette commenters! [Slate]
 
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{ 81 comments }

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 10:43 am

Sluggo! Good morning, sweetie!

Yes, corn sugar sounds slightly sexier which is why the FDA said "no way, Joe! We can't have sex AND calories! You stay with syrup"

Which is actually sexier sounding anyway. A very woody word.

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 10:58 am

I don't know if "Pour Some Syrup On Me" would have been such a mega-hit for Def Leppard.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 11:08 am

ARCHIES LIBEL!

arduinohacker May 31, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Very woody. Definitely not Tinny.

GlowneyHouse June 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Not as woody as "caribou."

arduinohacker June 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

But what is, compared to "intercourse"?

johnnyzhivago May 31, 2012 at 10:43 am

I propose "Freedom Syrup"

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 10:49 am

Obese sauce?

weejee May 31, 2012 at 10:51 am

Or for Arnold fanz Hasta la Vista, Baby Sauce.

nedbeaumontjr May 31, 2012 at 11:35 am

Do we really need to publicize the Repub name for jizz?

iburl May 31, 2012 at 11:47 am

politicize?

nedbeaumontjr May 31, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Politicized jizz looks 3D when you use the special glasses.

Ruhe May 31, 2012 at 11:57 am

You know, that's not bad as a public relations angle for the industry. They could argue that it is "Freedom Syrup" since much less slave labor is required for its production than is used on Florida cane plantations.

OneYieldRegular May 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Archer Daniels Midland and Monsanto execs are actually beating themselves up this morning for not having thought of that before you did.

ManchuCandidate May 31, 2012 at 10:44 am

Why can't they just rename hydrogenated corn syrup to "Leading Cause of Diabeetus 2" or "FattyFatFatFat Syrup"?

Barb May 31, 2012 at 10:44 am

The furniture was treated with Scotchgard™ and you can barely see the Santorum stains.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 10:45 am

My proposed amendment to the Constitution, which I myself made up and in no way copied from anyone else, is an Amendment to make me Number One American philosopher-king for life with droit du seigneur over any woman trying out for the USA Olympic beach volleyball team.

BerkeleyBear May 31, 2012 at 10:52 am

I like your thinking, but I'd be careful trying to slip into Misty May Traenor's spandex – she could crush your skull on a spike.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 11:11 am

You make that sound like it's unwelcome

Terry May 31, 2012 at 10:53 am

I modify your amendment to say that you have droit du seigneur over any woman associated with the RNC. Just to keep things political.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 11:09 am

Ew! Ann Coulter? Michelle Malkin?

I may need to deputize some surrogates…I'll keep Meghan, thanks.

James Michael Curley May 31, 2012 at 11:21 am

You think any of those emaciated vegans is a virgin?

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Ummm, vegan or not, they seem pretty, you know, fit to me.

metamarcisf May 31, 2012 at 10:48 am

Before anything else changes, there needs to be a constitutional amendment banning the NFL Pro Bowl once and for all.

Lascauxcaveman May 31, 2012 at 11:51 am

I understand the sentiment, but maybe if we ignore it long enough, it'll just go away on its own.

We should reserve our constitutional conventions for important things like banning the Designated Hitter Rule and suchlike.

metamarcisf May 31, 2012 at 12:05 pm

DH rule should be left up to the states; 10th amendment and all.

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 12:08 pm

[Insert football libel joke here]

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 10:48 am

"Some of my best friends used to buy stuff that fell off the back of a truck."
–Carlo Gambino

ManchuCandidate May 31, 2012 at 10:52 am

"Some of my best friends corpses fell off the back of a truck."

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 10:55 am

Hoffa, is that you?

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 11:10 am

Take the cannoli. Leave the ottoman.

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 10:49 am

Eewww, who wants furniture that's soaked in senatorial farts? Gross.

nounverb911 May 31, 2012 at 10:50 am

Larry Craig?

MrFizzy May 31, 2012 at 11:08 am

Lindsey Graham?

ttommyunger May 31, 2012 at 9:12 pm

"senatorial farts"? Redundant much?

Pragmatist2 May 31, 2012 at 10:49 am

I like these pithy summaries. I can maintain my ignorance and yet spend little time in doing so.

Oblios_Cap May 31, 2012 at 10:50 am

Ask them about how much they make and start a lively debate on pay discrimination and lower your already crap self esteem by finding out everyone is paid better than you are!

That's why there's a taboo about talking about your pay in the workplace – so nobody realizes how they're all getting screwed by "the man". Unless , of course, you're a CEO.

ManchuCandidate May 31, 2012 at 10:50 am

It's nice that peoples of non US Amercia love the Canada City Charter of Rights, but I kind of wished that we in Canada City would stop taking cues from Red States and voting for Canada City GOPers including PM FattyFatFatFat who has spent several years of his life trying to get "right thinking, non activist" judges to kill it.

James Michael Curley May 31, 2012 at 11:19 am

Oh, Canada!

weejee May 31, 2012 at 10:53 am

So Washington Dee Cee is having Maxwell Street Days? "Can I interest you in a fine watch?"

Spurning Beer May 31, 2012 at 10:53 am

I will propose to the FDA that corn syrup be marketed as "Frank Luntz."

boobookitteh May 31, 2012 at 10:55 am

They also can't use Corn Sugar because that's my porn name. Too, as well.

Estproph May 31, 2012 at 10:56 am

Coming soon: Corn Steak, Corn Lobster Thermidor, Corn Pheasant Under Glass, and Corn Vitamins. Brought to you by the good people at the Monsanto and Drug Agency.

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 11:07 am

You forgot Corn Hole.

ManchuCandidate May 31, 2012 at 11:11 am

"Everybody's laughing and bike riding and corn holing except Buster!"

Dashboard Buddha May 31, 2012 at 12:12 pm

If this keeps up, we won't be able to see the poo for the corn.

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 10:56 am

♪ Aw, come on
Corn sugar
How come you taste so good, now?
Corn sugar
Just like a sweet'ner should, now ♫

MrFizzy May 31, 2012 at 11:07 am

WTF is wrong with you? Too bad there's no Wonker bar.

ManchuCandidate May 31, 2012 at 11:12 am

Pour some Diabeetus on me
Ooh, in the name of profit
Pour some Diabeetus on me
C'mon, fatten me up
Pour your Diabeetus on me
Oh, I can't get enough

OneYieldRegular May 31, 2012 at 12:56 pm

You laugh now, but just wait until you hear that as the actual background music for a Pepsi commercial.

BerkeleyBear May 31, 2012 at 10:56 am

When I think about how few people actually wrote the Constitution, and how liberally they stole from earlier works, I start to think that maybe this whole mass participation in government thing is overblown. Then I remember how fucked up it was to be anything but a landed white male in this country for the first 160 years or so, and I feel stupid for ever thinking oligarchy might not suck completely.

Terry May 31, 2012 at 10:57 am

The person who sold the Senate furniture worked for the Architect of the Capitol office. He used an AOC truck to haul the furniture to a used furniture store in Virginia and didn't bother to take off or obscure the markings/tags that identified it as Federal property. This brazenness really suggests that this entrepreneur may have been selling stuff off for years with no repercussions.

mookwrthwilson May 31, 2012 at 10:57 am

My suggestion is that people with dumb names like "Mitt" or "Newt" are only worth 3/5 of a person…and the 13th Amendment doesn't apply to them…

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 11:12 am

MOOKIE LIBEL!

Shame on you!

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 10:59 am

Just change corn syrup into "Chris Chrisko." Obesity problem solved.

Oblios_Cap May 31, 2012 at 10:59 am

Pour your corn sugar on me?

I guess we just had a Def Leppard moment there, didn't we?

fuflans May 31, 2012 at 3:47 pm

ha! pandora played that for me this morning and i laughed out loud.

Not_So_Much May 31, 2012 at 11:01 am

How much of a market is there for gross, sticky furniture with misspelled graffiti carved into it?

ThankYouJeebus May 31, 2012 at 11:02 am

I'm usually asleep when C-SPAN is on, so… Win-Win?

Goonemeritus May 31, 2012 at 11:02 am

Let’s face it no matter what we call it corn is in everything. Were I the head of the American corn council I wouldn’t be wasting time trying to rebrand, I would be planning a hostile takeover of Europe.

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 11:09 am

One of my co-workers is allergic to corn products. It narrows her food choices considerably.

EatsBabyDingos May 31, 2012 at 11:02 am

Is "corn syrup" what drips off a Silverqueen dildo?

SexySmurf May 31, 2012 at 11:03 am

My people call it maize sugar.

MrFizzy May 31, 2012 at 11:06 am

Cornhole libel.

SayItWithWookies May 31, 2012 at 11:06 am

The employee later admitted to investigators that he earned about $1,000 for the stolen furniture. Investigators estimated that the total value of the recovered furniture was $13,750 — but the report did not say whether the AOC recovered all of its stolen furniture.

But now at least some of that furniture has been put back to its previous use — sitting around a warehouse somewhere being forgotten. Justice accomplished.

JustPixelz May 31, 2012 at 11:09 am

Amendment #28 : No law abridging free speech except no one can start a sentence on teevee with "I think…".

Amendment #28.1 : Dogs barking at night is not free speech either.

Amendment #28.2 : Chris Matthews can't interrupt anyone. Also can't answer his own questions. Fuck it: Chris Matthews should just shut up.

Amendment #28.3 : It's OK to say "fuck" in the Constitution. (If the "s" looks like an "f", it's "suck". HA HA.)

deanbooth May 31, 2012 at 2:02 pm

no one can start a sentence on teevee with "I think…".

Or "Look it…"

(Maria Shriver on Donahue started every sentence with "Look it," and — what did that guy say in Citizen Kane? — for the past 35 years, a week hasn't gone by without my thinking about her sounding like an idiot.)

Estproph May 31, 2012 at 11:15 am

I can't wait to see the suggestions that come into that Slate article.

You have the right to chicken done right.

You have the right to party, provided you fight for it.

You have the right to shoot anyone with any weapon you can find, if you don't like the other person. Wait, we already have that one…

SorosBot May 31, 2012 at 11:15 am

They'll want to put in the amendment where pointing out that a bigot's racist, homophobic or misogynistic statement is bigoted is an infringement on their right to free speech.

James Michael Curley May 31, 2012 at 11:16 am

Karo Libel!

Chichikovovich May 31, 2012 at 11:17 am

Since the linked article says that the Canadian constitution is a great model, I suppose the U.S. should add a provision allowing states to opt out of provisions of the Federal Constitution that they dislike. I'm sure it would hardly ever be used.

TootsStansbury May 31, 2012 at 11:21 am

"Corn sugar". Didn't some famous writer dude pen something about roses and names and sweetness smelling?

Jeeze some of the autocorrects I am getting; post might be funnier if I rolled with it.

proudgrampa May 31, 2012 at 11:29 am

Proposed Constitutional Amendment:

Martinis shall be the Official National Cocktail. As such, Congress shall be required to subsidize all Vodka and Gin importation, rendering the National Cocktail free of charge to all US Citizens.

"A chicken in every pot, a martini glass in every hand!"

OneYieldRegular May 31, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Now this sounds like a true, pickled-in-the-liver Wonkette contribution.

Estproph May 31, 2012 at 1:06 pm

THIS I can get behind!

chascates May 31, 2012 at 11:38 am

I hope the FDA remains steadfast on anus burgers as well.

mavenmaven May 31, 2012 at 11:45 am

want to sell a lot of that garbage? Label it as Porn Syrup™
(corporations please send your checks to mavenmaven enterprises)

Guppy May 31, 2012 at 11:47 am

Repeal the Seventeenth Amendment so that we can stop pretending the Senate has just as much democratic legitimacy as the House. France demonstrates that you can have an indirectly elected Senate and still be socialists.

A new constitutional convention would be fun, right on up to the point a civil war broke out over guns and/or abortion.

Oh, and nitpick on the Slate article: Massachusetts' constitution, at least, is older.

Serolf_Divad May 31, 2012 at 1:06 pm

We can't call it "Corn Sugar?" Dang! OK, plan B: "Corn Fudge!"

fuflans May 31, 2012 at 4:25 pm

article 29: any member of the union who utters the phrase 'real america' will be immediately stripped of citizenship.

ttommyunger May 31, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Call it whatever you like, you're still going to have to buy it from Monsanto.

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