Pour Corn Sugar On MeThe news today is actually a guide to buying government furniture (it belongs to us, right?), knowing the difference between corn syrup and corn sugar (one doesn’t exist), and having awkward conversations in real life and angry ones on the Internet.
  • Someone illegally sold a ton of Senate furniture. His selling point was likely how comfy it is, considering how often our Congressmen fall asleep on the job. Burn! Except, if you’ve ever looked in the background on C-SPAN, someone has usually fallen asleep. [Washington Post]
  • FDA rules that corn syrup cannot change their name to corn sugar, cos neither of those sound appetizing anyway. [NPR]
  • Not good at conversation? Want to make things awkward to get people to notice you? Ask them about how much they make and start a lively debate on pay discrimination and lower your already crap self esteem by finding out everyone is paid better than you are! [Salon]
  • Let’s change the Constitution by asking random people on the Internet for help! Yeah, that’ll work. Have at it, Wonkette commenters! [Slate]
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  • Sluggo! Good morning, sweetie!

    Yes, corn sugar sounds slightly sexier which is why the FDA said "no way, Joe! We can't have sex AND calories! You stay with syrup"

    Which is actually sexier sounding anyway. A very woody word.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I don't know if "Pour Some Syrup On Me" would have been such a mega-hit for Def Leppard.

    • arduinohacker

      Very woody. Definitely not Tinny.

      • GlowneyHouse

        Not as woody as "caribou."

        • arduinohacker

          But what is, compared to "intercourse"?

  • I propose "Freedom Syrup"

    • nounverb911

      Obese sauce?

      • Or for Arnold fanz Hasta la Vista, Baby Sauce.

    • nedbeaumontjr

      Do we really need to publicize the Repub name for jizz?

      • iburl


        • nedbeaumontjr

          Politicized jizz looks 3D when you use the special glasses.

    • Ruhe

      You know, that's not bad as a public relations angle for the industry. They could argue that it is "Freedom Syrup" since much less slave labor is required for its production than is used on Florida cane plantations.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Archer Daniels Midland and Monsanto execs are actually beating themselves up this morning for not having thought of that before you did.

  • Why can't they just rename hydrogenated corn syrup to "Leading Cause of Diabeetus 2" or "FattyFatFatFat Syrup"?

  • Barb

    The furniture was treated with Scotchgard™ and you can barely see the Santorum stains.

  • My proposed amendment to the Constitution, which I myself made up and in no way copied from anyone else, is an Amendment to make me Number One American philosopher-king for life with droit du seigneur over any woman trying out for the USA Olympic beach volleyball team.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I like your thinking, but I'd be careful trying to slip into Misty May Traenor's spandex – she could crush your skull on a spike.

      • You make that sound like it's unwelcome

    • Terry

      I modify your amendment to say that you have droit du seigneur over any woman associated with the RNC. Just to keep things political.

      • Ew! Ann Coulter? Michelle Malkin?

        I may need to deputize some surrogates…I'll keep Meghan, thanks.

    • James Michael Curley

      You think any of those emaciated vegans is a virgin?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Ummm, vegan or not, they seem pretty, you know, fit to me.

  • metamarcisf

    Before anything else changes, there needs to be a constitutional amendment banning the NFL Pro Bowl once and for all.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I understand the sentiment, but maybe if we ignore it long enough, it'll just go away on its own.

      We should reserve our constitutional conventions for important things like banning the Designated Hitter Rule and suchlike.

      • metamarcisf

        DH rule should be left up to the states; 10th amendment and all.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      [Insert football libel joke here]

  • nounverb911

    "Some of my best friends used to buy stuff that fell off the back of a truck."
    –Carlo Gambino

    • "Some of my best friends corpses fell off the back of a truck."

      • nounverb911

        Hoffa, is that you?

    • Take the cannoli. Leave the ottoman.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Eewww, who wants furniture that's soaked in senatorial farts? Gross.

    • nounverb911

      Larry Craig?

    • MrFizzy

      Lindsey Graham?

    • ttommyunger

      "senatorial farts"? Redundant much?

  • Pragmatist2

    I like these pithy summaries. I can maintain my ignorance and yet spend little time in doing so.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ask them about how much they make and start a lively debate on pay discrimination and lower your already crap self esteem by finding out everyone is paid better than you are!

    That's why there's a taboo about talking about your pay in the workplace – so nobody realizes how they're all getting screwed by "the man". Unless , of course, you're a CEO.

  • It's nice that peoples of non US Amercia love the Canada City Charter of Rights, but I kind of wished that we in Canada City would stop taking cues from Red States and voting for Canada City GOPers including PM FattyFatFatFat who has spent several years of his life trying to get "right thinking, non activist" judges to kill it.

    • James Michael Curley

      Oh, Canada!

  • So Washington Dee Cee is having Maxwell Street Days? "Can I interest you in a fine watch?"

  • I will propose to the FDA that corn syrup be marketed as "Frank Luntz."

  • boobookitteh

    They also can't use Corn Sugar because that's my porn name. Too, as well.

  • Estproph

    Coming soon: Corn Steak, Corn Lobster Thermidor, Corn Pheasant Under Glass, and Corn Vitamins. Brought to you by the good people at the Monsanto and Drug Agency.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You forgot Corn Hole.

      • "Everybody's laughing and bike riding and corn holing except Buster!"

    • Dashboard Buddha

      If this keeps up, we won't be able to see the poo for the corn.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    ♪ Aw, come on
    Corn sugar
    How come you taste so good, now?
    Corn sugar
    Just like a sweet'ner should, now ♫

    • MrFizzy

      WTF is wrong with you? Too bad there's no Wonker bar.

    • Pour some Diabeetus on me
      Ooh, in the name of profit
      Pour some Diabeetus on me
      C'mon, fatten me up
      Pour your Diabeetus on me
      Oh, I can't get enough

    • OneYieldRegular

      You laugh now, but just wait until you hear that as the actual background music for a Pepsi commercial.

  • BerkeleyBear

    When I think about how few people actually wrote the Constitution, and how liberally they stole from earlier works, I start to think that maybe this whole mass participation in government thing is overblown. Then I remember how fucked up it was to be anything but a landed white male in this country for the first 160 years or so, and I feel stupid for ever thinking oligarchy might not suck completely.

  • Terry

    The person who sold the Senate furniture worked for the Architect of the Capitol office. He used an AOC truck to haul the furniture to a used furniture store in Virginia and didn't bother to take off or obscure the markings/tags that identified it as Federal property. This brazenness really suggests that this entrepreneur may have been selling stuff off for years with no repercussions.

  • mookwrthwilson

    My suggestion is that people with dumb names like "Mitt" or "Newt" are only worth 3/5 of a person…and the 13th Amendment doesn't apply to them…

  • Fare la Volpe

    Just change corn syrup into "Chris Chrisko." Obesity problem solved.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Pour your corn sugar on me?

    I guess we just had a Def Leppard moment there, didn't we?

    • fuflans

      ha! pandora played that for me this morning and i laughed out loud.

  • Not_So_Much

    How much of a market is there for gross, sticky furniture with misspelled graffiti carved into it?

  • ThankYouJeebus

    I'm usually asleep when C-SPAN is on, so… Win-Win?

  • Goonemeritus

    Let’s face it no matter what we call it corn is in everything. Were I the head of the American corn council I wouldn’t be wasting time trying to rebrand, I would be planning a hostile takeover of Europe.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      One of my co-workers is allergic to corn products. It narrows her food choices considerably.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Is "corn syrup" what drips off a Silverqueen dildo?

  • SexySmurf

    My people call it maize sugar.

  • MrFizzy

    Cornhole libel.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The employee later admitted to investigators that he earned about $1,000 for the stolen furniture. Investigators estimated that the total value of the recovered furniture was $13,750 — but the report did not say whether the AOC recovered all of its stolen furniture.

    But now at least some of that furniture has been put back to its previous use — sitting around a warehouse somewhere being forgotten. Justice accomplished.

  • JustPixelz

    Amendment #28 : No law abridging free speech except no one can start a sentence on teevee with "I think…".

    Amendment #28.1 : Dogs barking at night is not free speech either.

    Amendment #28.2 : Chris Matthews can't interrupt anyone. Also can't answer his own questions. Fuck it: Chris Matthews should just shut up.

    Amendment #28.3 : It's OK to say "fuck" in the Constitution. (If the "s" looks like an "f", it's "suck". HA HA.)

    • no one can start a sentence on teevee with "I think…".

      Or "Look it…"

      (Maria Shriver on Donahue started every sentence with "Look it," and — what did that guy say in Citizen Kane? — for the past 35 years, a week hasn't gone by without my thinking about her sounding like an idiot.)

  • Estproph

    I can't wait to see the suggestions that come into that Slate article.

    You have the right to chicken done right.

    You have the right to party, provided you fight for it.

    You have the right to shoot anyone with any weapon you can find, if you don't like the other person. Wait, we already have that one…

  • SorosBot

    They'll want to put in the amendment where pointing out that a bigot's racist, homophobic or misogynistic statement is bigoted is an infringement on their right to free speech.

  • James Michael Curley

    Karo Libel!

  • Chichikovovich

    Since the linked article says that the Canadian constitution is a great model, I suppose the U.S. should add a provision allowing states to opt out of provisions of the Federal Constitution that they dislike. I'm sure it would hardly ever be used.

  • TootsStansbury

    "Corn sugar". Didn't some famous writer dude pen something about roses and names and sweetness smelling?

    Jeeze some of the autocorrects I am getting; post might be funnier if I rolled with it.

  • proudgrampa

    Proposed Constitutional Amendment:

    Martinis shall be the Official National Cocktail. As such, Congress shall be required to subsidize all Vodka and Gin importation, rendering the National Cocktail free of charge to all US Citizens.

    "A chicken in every pot, a martini glass in every hand!"

    • OneYieldRegular

      Now this sounds like a true, pickled-in-the-liver Wonkette contribution.

    • Estproph

      THIS I can get behind!

  • chascates

    I hope the FDA remains steadfast on anus burgers as well.

  • mavenmaven

    want to sell a lot of that garbage? Label it as Porn Syrup™
    (corporations please send your checks to mavenmaven enterprises)

  • Guppy

    Repeal the Seventeenth Amendment so that we can stop pretending the Senate has just as much democratic legitimacy as the House. France demonstrates that you can have an indirectly elected Senate and still be socialists.

    A new constitutional convention would be fun, right on up to the point a civil war broke out over guns and/or abortion.

    Oh, and nitpick on the Slate article: Massachusetts' constitution, at least, is older.

  • Serolf_Divad

    We can't call it "Corn Sugar?" Dang! OK, plan B: "Corn Fudge!"

  • fuflans

    article 29: any member of the union who utters the phrase 'real america' will be immediately stripped of citizenship.

  • ttommyunger

    Call it whatever you like, you're still going to have to buy it from Monsanto.

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