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Here Is Your Handy Guide to Avoiding the DHS Eye of Sauron

We all know that the Department of Homeland Security has several sub-basements filled with all the illegitimate offspring of the members of Congress whose sole miserable task is to sit at the computer consoles they are chained to and troll Twitter and Facebook in search of bogeymen with social media accounts. But which search terms are they using to determine which citizens to ship off for a free tickle torture session besides the obvious triggers like “exploding dildo” and “how do I get a protest permit?” Well now we know what’s on the current DHS monitor list thanks to a public records request from the Electronic Privacy Information Center, and the bad news it that you will have to quit using fun words such as “electric” and “pirates” online in order to stay under the radar.

The POLITICO has its own whimsical list of oddball words (including “pork”) that appear, which in turn inspired us to cull this list of highly common words/names of retail chains/countries you must now avoid mentioning on the Internet forever unless you wish to be punished with a trip to hang out with Marco Rubio at Guantanamo:

Target
Subway
Southwest
Electric
Power
Cops
China
Smart
Help
Tucson
Sick
Wave
United Nations
Gas
Relief
Pirates
Response
Recall
Biological
Mexico
Ice
Watch
Social media

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Or make your own list! The DHS list of terms starts on page 20.

And here is one bonus item we spotted in the monitoring guidelines, to help analysts decide which media sources to turn to for information. It’s from a section titled “Credible Sources for Corroboration:”

First Tier – A first tier source is one that does not typically need additional corroboration prior to release. Sources that construct the first tier platform include major news networks, such as
CNN and Fox; major newspapers, such as USA Today and The Washington Post; and international news, such as the BBC and The International Herald Tribune.

The fact that Fox News is listed is a “first tier” news organization makes us doubt the veracity of the entire rest of the document, come to think of it. [EPIC/Politico]

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134 comments

  1. Barb

    I could easily see where "Subway" would be on the list. They build their sammiches like they are diffusing a freaking bomb.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm relieved to see that the words I use most in my texts and emails, such as "lid," "eight-ball," "gram," "kilo," and "quarter-ounce" are not on the watch-list.

    1. UnholyMoses

      "Lid" … ?

      Dude. You're old. (As am I for knowing it … and for having bought a few back in the day.)

  3. Barb

    "Chlamydia" should be on the list. I'd just like to see the Palin chicks beaten with a rubber hose under hot lights.

      1. Barb

        I have a feeling that Sarah Palin could go mono a Monostat with crabs, Chlamydia, and Homeland Security. Lipstick, ya know.

  4. Terry

    "Target
    Subway"

    Well, my Saturday morning shopping and quick lunch have suddenly taken on a sinister appearance.

  5. Estproph

    What idiot decided that "port" is a watch-word? Do they not have anyone doing IT at DHS? Port?!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Guess the Navy is going to have start using "left" and "right" instead of "port" and "starboard."

  6. SorosBot

    They don't want us talking about gas? What, are farts a weapon of mass destruction now?

      1. SorosBot

        I try and avoid those monsters known as children like they have the plague (and they usually do).

        1. UnholyMoses

          IT WAS RSV!!!1111!1

          Or whateverthehell it was. Don't remember, as The Mrs handles medical stuff, because I don't handle it well. I either freak out when he's bleeding, or get mad when he overreacts.

          **sigh**

          The joys of having an autistic kid with Tourette's and ADHD … and the real kind, too, not the "he's just a brat who needs a good whoopin'" kind. ;-)

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    Good thing for the Iranian terrists that are plotting our destruction that neither "nuclear" or "bomb" is on that list.

    1. HarryButtle

      They ought to make her fly like they did Hannibal Lecter…in a straight jacket and a hockey mask, strapped to a hand-truck, under heavy guard. Still, you'd see those crazy eyes…staring (sort of ) at you.

    2. chascates

      I don't have a twitter account but ask her if she'll softly chant "Allahu Akbar" a few times and then tap shoes with Ms. Bachmann.

  8. Vecchiojohn

    Damn! I just posted something about recalling that biological Mexican gas bag pirate Mitt Romney.

    1. OurHoboSenator

      I think I got a spam e-mail once about increasing the size of my mutation-resistant Islamic pork blizzard.

  9. HateMachine

    Nah, Fox is fine. I can just safely apply the Opposite Day rules to everything they broadcast without needing to mess with other sources. CNN is the one that carefully purges anything that vaguely resembles an objective fact from their 'news'.

  10. freakishlywrong

    That "First Tier news organization" just only recently aired a 4 minute anti-Obammy "add" during it's Faux and Fucks "news" a.m. prime-time show. But yes, the word "help" can be dangerous and terroristy.

  11. johnnyzhivago

    I'm heading to Target to pick out a pirate costume for United Nations day at the nuclear power plant. I think I may pick up a sandwich at Subway first – at least they're not made in China – maybe Mexico. They do give me gas – what should I use to help with some relief???? Maybe some ice water – I was never good with this biological stuff.

    Gee isn't Social Media just great!

  12. Chichikovovich

    Well, from now on if I need to shop at a department store, I'm going to Surveyor's Mark.

      1. Chichikovovich

        All right, they do sell a lot of misleadingly named Chinese knockoffs, that's true. But the foot-long sandwiches at the Transit food counter are not bad.

  13. memzilla

    Smart cops in the Southwest use social media to watch Mexico. Pirates in Tucson find relief from intestinal gas with a biological response, using United Nations help. I recall that electric power makes ice, which can combat a wave of sickness from tainted Subway sandwiches.

    That should do it — like teh Wonkette wasn't already on the list.

  14. Jus_Wonderin

    I recall, while visiting the southwest, I went to the Target in Tucson. My biological daughter was sick. It might be TMI, but she had gas. So I wanted to get her relief.. As I entered the store the greeter gave a wave and commented on my smart United Nations T-shirt. I asked for some help in finding the pharmacy. She said "It's just over there past the Ice machine." I gave a simple response "Thank you".

    At the pharmacy counter, the tech, obviously from China or Mexico, pointed to the aisle with the meds that had the power needed for my daughters problem. "Over there", then added "but watch side effects". Geez, this stuff is expensive, I thought. It's like Target is run by a bunch of pirates.

    Before returning home, I stopped at Subway and posted a photo of one of the hot cops that was tailing me on my favorite social media site "B-Friends".

    1. LesPaultard

      The Reader's Digest Abridged Version:

      Target, Subway, Southwest Electric Power Cops China Smart Help Tucson Sick Wave United Nations Gas Relief Pirates Response Recall Biological Mexico Ice Watch Social media

      1. Mittens Howell, III

        Just taking a moment to remember our 'disappeared' friends. We'll miss you gas.

        Fuck. Guys! I meant to say guys!

        Hey, get your hands off me …

  15. Arken

    So I was on the subway going to the southwest Target to buy some china plates when the electric power died. I thought it would be smart to call for help, but I recall the last time I did that, when I was sick, I got no relief. I probably should have taken a car, but I couldn't really afford the gas and anyway, I don't have a car anymore because someone stole it and probably sold it down in Mexico. I'm not sure, because at the time, I thought it was more important to sit in the bleachers and watch the Pirates. The last time I watched them play was when I was in Tuscon at a United Nations conference about the biological implications of the melting of ice in the arctic. Anyway, eventually I saw a cop coming down the tunnel and with a wave, he let us know everything was going to be all right. That was one smart guy. I decided to add him as a friend on both Facebook and Google . Boy do I love social media!

  16. HarryButtle

    Recall? So, anybody discussing, say, a certain Governor of a northern midwestern state that shall remain nameless is suspect and needs to be checked out?

  17. weejee

    Google organophosphorus and acetylcholinesterase with fervent regularity. Make sure you have cookies baked for when the men in black appear.

  18. chascates

    "Ronald Reagan was a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and his butt smelled and he liked to kiss his own butt."

    Also: "ass-fucking AND truck nutz".

  19. UW8316154

    OT and not funny – I live in Seattle and the entire effin city is melting down in a spree of murders and shootings during the past three weeks. Yesterday 6 people died at the hands of a madman, including several artists, a Bellevue mom, and the mentally ill shooter. I've lost count of the murders and random shootings in the past month alone. This sucks; I need a hug.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Not even half way through the year and Seattle has just passed its total number of homicides for 2011. Who peed in our latte?

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Wow, six? I thought it was just three. Fuck, this is turning into a weird ass place to live.

    3. UnholyMoses

      Damn … that does suck.

      Blame it on the rain.*

      (* NOT a Milli Vanilli reference.)

    4. finallyhappy

      I'm sorry. I heard the news yesterday and pictured the sniper we had here in the DC metro area. The father of the killer called him "disgruntled". And I heard that you had more killings already than in all of last year. We get somewhat numb to it here in this area(well, not the sniper) but shouldn't. A few weeks ago, there was a teenager smashing people in the head in DC- he killed a tourist and sent others to the hospital with serious head injuries.

  20. actor212

    So I took the Subway to the stadium to Watch the mets play the Pirates. fans started doing the Wave which always makes me Sick, so to Help my Gas Relief, my Response was to indulge in a Biological function designed to eliminate the tall soda with Ice and Southwest taco I had consumed. I painted a Target in the bottom of the bowl, as I Recall, and it was bombs away. Pretty Smart, huh?

  21. BarackMyWorld

    Is THIS the real reason everyone just communicates using texts filled with misspelled words these days?

    1. Jimmyone

      My kids are always chuckling about my "texting" skills. They think I can't spell or have a coherent thought…..It's just that I have fat fingers and my ifone has small letters…see the problem…..Kidz you listening?

  22. DonnyKerabotsos

    All that jumble of (mostly) ordinary words needs to complete its full paranoid promise is for Glenn Beck to appear and start drawing circles and arrows all over the place

  23. Urban_Achiever

    pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork swine pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork pork swine

  24. prommie

    Just what in the holy fuck is going on around here? I am an old, and I like sameness, this is difference, and I am fucking agin it. I'm agin it, the Bible's agin it, and you oughta be agin it, too.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I swear I was like, um, wait, red? Has this always been red? But I'm just dumb, not old. (You shut up.)

      Maybe something new could be good for you.

      1. prommie

        I'm agin the font, and I'm agin the graphic, it looks like chick porn, or a bad strip club logo.

        New is a waste of money, that initial depreciation. You want to go with good quality, low mileage used.

  25. mavenmaven

    For the future, the way to say "skull f@#$ing" in Korean is 두개골 씨발 dugaegol ssibal. There, problem avoided.

    1. actor212

      dugaegol ssibal

      Hey! I had that in my bibimbap last week! And my daughter told me it was duck!

      I wondered why she was giggling….

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Yes, indeedy. 19 weeks and counting. We found out recently that it's a girl, which made me so happy, as I am mightily creeped out by infant penises.

        1. HistoriBarb

          Hahaha – with boys you only worry about one penis; with girls you worry about all of them.

  26. actor212

    A first tier source is one that does not typically need additional corroboration prior to release. Sources that construct the first tier platform include major news networks, such as
    … Fox

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    *gasp*

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  27. larrykat

    After a quick scan of the list, I see that we can write all the scary messages we want about an atmospheric discharge of static electricity – LIGHTNING! Because the geniuses there at DHS misspelled it "lightening". I suppose that is on a list of commonly misspelled words by terrorists or something.

  28. oldedinvn

    Thank you greatest & bestest & freest country for making me uncomfortable going into my fatherland where I was born. Heil!

  29. widestanceromance

    Thank goodness "me, my, mine, I" are OK, since they're the bulk of my online conversations.

    I notice a certain "r" word is not on the list, but I'm not falling for such an easy trick.

  30. huronbikes

    Help, Sick, Wave, Gas, Relief, Response, and Biological are all words that would appear in antacid commercials or remedies for monthly lady times, or both.

  31. James Michael Curley

    I had the same idea as Arken. Here is a version in only one sentence.

    I recall that after I left my job as social media consultant for the United Nations Electric, Gas and Power Company I went southwest to the subway near the Target store to go home and watch that sick movie Ice Pirates and on the way although I usually wave to the cops I often don’t get a response because it wasn’t smart of me to complain to them that they should not get their uniforms made in China or Mexico when there are several good companies in Tucson, but that didn’t help and it was a relief they don't care.

  32. UnholyMoses

    After looking at more of the list, I'm guessing within a week they'll add to the list:

    a
    and
    the

    #DHSisruckingfetarded.

  33. Dashboard Buddha

    At least the Washington Times, Newsmax, and the Blaze aren't on the corroboration list.

  34. finallyhappy

    When I had to work with DHS, starting about 6 years ago(not anymore!) with my
    agency- they kept losing the materials(which were both online and hard copy- or were supposed to be). 2 years in a row- I had to provide them with replacements(online only- I do not print and deliver).

  35. barto

    What, "shoe" and "underwear" didn't make the list? Two of the most commonly used methods widely used by terrieriists the world over and they are not even on the list. Pitiful.

  36. imobannon

    So, if I wrote to a friend saying I was going to go to Target and then maybe stop off at the Subway on the Southwest side of town, then stop at the Electric company to pay my Power bill, I might be in trouble. But then, I'd have to watch out for the Cops as I went through China town in my Smart car, and I couldn't ask for Help or directions for the fasted way to Tuscon (I'll ask Siri).

    Unfortunately, I got Sick and felt a Wave of nausea after seeing the latest United Nations failure on Syria, and the price of gas (no Relief), because Pirates keep hijacking oil tankers and there's little response from the Navy. I guess the only hope is to Recall Scott Walker and get his waste of biological matter out of office and maybe send him off to Mexico where he can get a margarita with no Ice while he stands Watch over the conservative social media movement with the ghost of Brietbart.

  37. calliecallie

    I guess I won't post on SOCIAL MEDIA that I'm returning to the RED CROSS FACILITY because I RECALL a SMART nurse there with a nice BUST and I'm hoping for a little HUMAN TO HUMAN PORK AID or just to WATCH. No BRUTE FORCING, though.

  38. fuflans

    i see nothing about vampires. everybody knows the undead are ever where.

    typical gov't incompetence.

  39. Pseudonymously_Joe

    So, I shouldn't talk about I should watch my money and be smart to make sure I have enough left over after paying the electric power company, to eat lunch at Subway and go shopping for housewares at Target?

    I'm just saying, because I don't want to have to appeal to social media for some sort of relief.

Comments are closed.