The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Which Five Bloody Dictators Deserve A Date With The Hague?

  right this way

exit stage right even!International Justice Alert: Charles Taylor was sentenced this week by the Hague to serve 50 years in a British Slammer for his heinous acts that he says were done “with honour.” He’s expected to appeal, but chances are he will finish his life behind bars.

As we maintain, the world is becoming increasingly inhospitable to asshole dictators. When Laurent Gbagbo refused to accept defeat in the Cote D’Ivore elections of 2010 and systematically started murdering 3,000 of his rival’s supporters, the International Criminal Court literally sent someone down there to trick him into getting on an airplane, where his surprise arrest warrant was issued. He is currently on trial for crimes against humanity.

Here are five people we’d like to see tricked into a one-way ticket to the Netherlands:

  • Bashar al-Assad, Syria Enough is enough, dude. Russia BFF’ing you doesn’t change the fact that you are murdering your citizens daily in order to stay in power. Very reminiscent of Qadaffi’s last days in charge. Expect this thing to come to a head, NATO-styley, in 3…2..
  • Omar al-Bashir, Sudan You’ve heard of Darfur? Genocide’s not in fashion these days. Four and a half million people terrorized, raped, murdered. An arrest warrant has been issued for al-Bashir by the ICC, and other heads of state are refusing to let him attend conferences on their soil. Now he’s started a war with the newly minted nation of South Sudan.
  • Mahinda Rajapaksa, Sri Lanka This island in the Indian Ocean should be a paradise. Perfect weather, incredible beaches, cool, Buddhist culture. Instead, they had a million year civil war followed by heavy shelling of civilians, featuring a video of a naked and bound 12-year-old boy and the denial of food and humanitarian resources into areas devastated by conflict. Their freedoms of the press are rated lower than Saudi Arabia’s.
  • Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe His hands aren’t nearly as bloody as the rest of fine old cannibals on this list, but he deserves jail for something equally evil: greed. While his country is one of the poorest on Earth (even though it’s one of the most minerally rich), he has raped his people’s resources to the tune of a personal fortune estimated at $2.5 billion US — while his people live on less than $2 a day. He’s clung to power for more than 30 years.
  • George W. Bush / Dick Cheney Despite the indictment by that citizen’s panel in Kuala Lumpur, Bush and Cheney will never come to justice — especially if they all move to their new Paraguay War Crime Safehouse. They ordered the deaths of between 1 and 600,000 Iraqis, on false pretenses, making all for George’s machismo and Halliburton’s bottom line.
Related

About the author

John Schoenkopf likes geography. johns@wonkette.com

View all articles by John Schoenkopf

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

63 comments

  1. Barb

    Bush and Cheney, no doubt. Send them to Gitmo, where they use Oscar "the Grouch" torture. Soon they will be able to use Bristol "the Chin's" show to torture some prisoners.

    ♫ ♬ ♭Sunny day, sweeping the bombs away.♫ ♬ ♭

  2. MMathS

    I sort of like the idea of acute lead poisoning for most of the folks on this list. Gitmo for Bushy and Cheney, though. Totes.

  3. actor212

    /snark

    I don't want Bush/Cheney to face trial in the Hague and here's why:

    I want to demonstrate to the world that true freedom, true democracy, means admitting your mistakes and making amends for the horrific things you've done.

    I want them tried here and sentenced to life in prison.

    Now….Tits or GTFO, John

    1. freakishlywrong

      Instead, they're welcomed in our so-called media to shill their books, trash the Democratic President and are "filling the ole coffers" because fucking idiots pay them to speak. Wingnut Welfare at work.

    2. Ruhe

      I agree. It should have happened and happened right here already. It has to be something we do ourselves because we must, as a nation, come to terms with our own culpability. While you and I were snarking and voting and fighting the whole thing in whatever way we could there were many millions of Americans who were game for the whole misadventure.

    3. Beowoof

      The only thing that I would add to that is make it into a reality show, Bush and Dick prison. Watch the ensuing hilarity. Well at least to me.

  4. EatsBabyDingos

    Why not throw them all in a sinking boat with one life jacket? Winner gets to join a club (to the head).

  5. Estproph

    Bush/Cheney, of course. Maybe they should be sentenced to live the rest of their lives in Crawford.

  6. Chow Yun Flat

    It doesn't make Omar al-Bashir any less evil nor less liable for crimes against humanity including genocide to say that the war between Sudan and South Sudan is more complex than Sudanese aggression.

  7. freakishlywrong

    It is vomitious that that war criminal will be welcomed by the black guy who has taken all the blame for his disastrous presidency, to the WH to view his official portrait. It should hang in the bathroom. The one all the tourists use.

    1. Beowoof

      How about an outhouse at an Air Force Base in Nome. In passing, the Board of Elections here in Monroe County, NY still has pictures of Bush and Cheney hanging in their public reception area. Real dopes running government in this neck of the woods.

  8. FakaktaSouth

    It may be a terribly important and life changing link or video or whatever it is, but if you think for ONE SECOND that I am EVER going to click on something that says "naked and bound 12 year old boy" you are CRAZY.

    Oh, and I vote for Dick and the Dub, of course.

  9. Abernathy

    I'd vote for 5 very wide nets to scoop up all the John Yoo-style, pedantic, technocratic assholes who make the banal evil possible.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      You'd need one of those wide nets for Yoo's fat face alone. God, I hate that guy.

  10. weejee

    Can we dig up Tricky Dickie Nixon and try him and hang him for whacking Sal Allende? Vietnam too, also. Not a routine supporter of capital punishment, but for zombie Nixon I could make an exception.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      As long as he's reburied afterwards — I have yet to fulfill my vow to pee on his grave.

    1. weejee

      Indeed, that asshat played with the Vietnam war negotiations during the summer & fall of 1972 to try to improve Nixon's poll numbers v. McGovern. Nixon never, ever, was going to loose that election. Playing with the killing fields for political advantage should be something worthy of a trial.

      ps – Proudest vote I ever cast was for George McGovern, knowing full well he was headed to defeat.

      1. MoeDeLawn

        I think my McGovern was surpassed by 2008's for Barry. The results were decidely mixed in both results.

        I am ashamed of the Nader in 2004.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    I have a feeling that the votes here will be overwhelmingly for Bush/Cheney, because USA NUMBER 1!!!

  12. CthuNHu

    What about Barack Hussein Obama, for forcing healthcare on a once free people? Huh? What about him? Or is it only job-creating dictators you hate?

  13. Negropolis

    I honestly don't get Assad's strategy. Surely, he has to know his fate will either be prison or death, and that continuing to slaughter your civilians will get you closer to the latter than the former when all is said and done. He's way beyond the Ben Ali and Mubarak phase.

    Quite frankly, I wouldn't lose any sleep if his ticket is stamped one-way to hell.

      1. Negropolis

        No, no. Like I said, he's already slaughtered way too many civilians and in a way far to damning and direct for that to be an option, anymore, especially with the new way people view dictators during this Arab Spring.

        Ben Ali got away because he lost his military. Mubarak went a bit further, but he also lost his military, ultimately. Assad has not let go of his military, nor have they turned on him, and this has dragged on for over a year, now. No, he's not coming back from the edge; he already crossed the line and then some. Not even Russia will have his ass, now, nor will they be able to find him some banana republic to retire to.

  14. noodlesalad

    Li Peng is the highest ranking official from the Tiananmen massacre to still be kicking. Can we bring him in for questioning?

  15. randcoolcatdaddy

    Sheesh … why didn't we invade Sri Lanka instead of Iraq? I guess oil corporation money talks louder than cruise line corporation money …

  16. Fare la Volpe

    I propose a dictator-only Hunger Games. Take every one of them, place them on an abandoned island in the South Pacific, give them nothing but a knife and one note of their currency (gotta have something to wipe their asses), and let them fight to the death while the world watches.

    Then when Cheney emerges victorious by feasting on the hearts of his victims, we nuke the site from orbit (it's the only way to be sure).

    Ratings gold, baby.

  17. Vecchiojohn

    Bush and Cheney should spend the rest of their lives emptying colostomy bags at a veterans' hospital.

  18. OneYieldRegular

    It is nothing short of astounding that we have an international war crimes tribunal and that it has successfully convicted someone as heinous as Charles Taylor. Time once again to go and read Nuremberg prosecutor Robert Jackson's "poisoned chalice" speech and be grateful.

  19. mavenmaven

    For a moment there I thought this was next year's line up for "Dancing With The Stars".

  20. under_score

    Absolutely no snark: thank you for putting the criminal Rajapaksa family on the list. That is one gorgeously fucked up country. If they had oil, we'd be all over this shit. Tea and cinnamon are not as important as they used to be.

  21. Ducksworthy

    Um. Has anybody pointed out that Rev. Pat Robertson made a ton of money on those slave diamonds?

  22. Generation[redacted]

    Look, I know it's all fashionable to jump on the Bush/Cheney/Gitmo bandwagon, but we really shouldn't rush to judgement until we've given them a chance to tell their side of the story under their own enhanced interrogation techniques.

  23. Isyaignert

    It might take another generation for the US to come to grips with just what the fuk Amerikkka turned into under the GeeDub and Cheney The Dick regime.

    While in Germany a couple of years ago, I was touring a former concentration camp and there were several school groups there, who were learning about a very dark time in their nation's history.

    Maybe some day there'll be a "truth and reconcilliation" commission to uncover just what those evil fuks did to us and the world. We never had a real 9/11 investigation, and it'll be harder to get answers as time goes by, especially since all of the evidence was immediately removed from the crime scene and destroyed.

    Karma, do thy thing.

  24. doloras

    Sri Lanka is my favourite counterexample for "Buddhism isn't a REAL religion, man, it's cool, they don't hurt people". Ask any Tamil.

  25. ttommyunger

    No snark: a Federal Judge in Atlanta (Wendy Shoob) laid fifty years on a drug dealer. He immediately screamed "I can't do fifty years!", to which Judge Shoob calmly replied: "Just do the best you can.".

Comments are closed.