RIGHT THIS WAY  9:00 am May 31, 2012

The Wonkette Geopoliticker: Which Five Bloody Dictators Deserve A Date With The Hague?

by John Schoenkopf

exit stage right even!International Justice Alert: Charles Taylor was sentenced this week by the Hague to serve 50 years in a British Slammer for his heinous acts that he says were done “with honour.” He’s expected to appeal, but chances are he will finish his life behind bars.

As we maintain, the world is becoming increasingly inhospitable to asshole dictators. When Laurent Gbagbo refused to accept defeat in the Cote D’Ivore elections of 2010 and systematically started murdering 3,000 of his rival’s supporters, the International Criminal Court literally sent someone down there to trick him into getting on an airplane, where his surprise arrest warrant was issued. He is currently on trial for crimes against humanity.

Here are five people we’d like to see tricked into a one-way ticket to the Netherlands:

  • Bashar al-Assad, Syria Enough is enough, dude. Russia BFF’ing you doesn’t change the fact that you are murdering your citizens daily in order to stay in power. Very reminiscent of Qadaffi’s last days in charge. Expect this thing to come to a head, NATO-styley, in 3…2..
  • Omar al-Bashir, Sudan You’ve heard of Darfur? Genocide’s not in fashion these days. Four and a half million people terrorized, raped, murdered. An arrest warrant has been issued for al-Bashir by the ICC, and other heads of state are refusing to let him attend conferences on their soil. Now he’s started a war with the newly minted nation of South Sudan.
  • Mahinda Rajapaksa, Sri Lanka This island in the Indian Ocean should be a paradise. Perfect weather, incredible beaches, cool, Buddhist culture. Instead, they had a million year civil war followed by heavy shelling of civilians, featuring a video of a naked and bound 12-year-old boy and the denial of food and humanitarian resources into areas devastated by conflict. Their freedoms of the press are rated lower than Saudi Arabia’s.
  • Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe His hands aren’t nearly as bloody as the rest of fine old cannibals on this list, but he deserves jail for something equally evil: greed. While his country is one of the poorest on Earth (even though it’s one of the most minerally rich), he has raped his people’s resources to the tune of a personal fortune estimated at $2.5 billion US — while his people live on less than $2 a day. He’s clung to power for more than 30 years.
  • George W. Bush / Dick Cheney Despite the indictment by that citizen’s panel in Kuala Lumpur, Bush and Cheney will never come to justice — especially if they all move to their new Paraguay War Crime Safehouse. They ordered the deaths of between 1 and 600,000 Iraqis, on false pretenses, making all for George’s machismo and Halliburton’s bottom line.
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Hola wonkerados.

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Barb May 31, 2012 at 9:01 am

Bush and Cheney, no doubt. Send them to Gitmo, where they use Oscar "the Grouch" torture. Soon they will be able to use Bristol "the Chin's" show to torture some prisoners.

♫ ♬ ♭Sunny day, sweeping the bombs away.♫ ♬ ♭

MMathS May 31, 2012 at 9:05 am

I sort of like the idea of acute lead poisoning for most of the folks on this list. Gitmo for Bushy and Cheney, though. Totes.

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 9:08 am

If I had to choose any one of the five, I'd take the last ones listed.

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 9:10 am

What, no Chavez or Castro!?! Socialists!!

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 9:10 am


I don't want Bush/Cheney to face trial in the Hague and here's why:

I want to demonstrate to the world that true freedom, true democracy, means admitting your mistakes and making amends for the horrific things you've done.

I want them tried here and sentenced to life in prison.

Now….Tits or GTFO, John

freakishlywrong May 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

Instead, they're welcomed in our so-called media to shill their books, trash the Democratic President and are "filling the ole coffers" because fucking idiots pay them to speak. Wingnut Welfare at work.

Ruhe May 31, 2012 at 9:29 am

I agree. It should have happened and happened right here already. It has to be something we do ourselves because we must, as a nation, come to terms with our own culpability. While you and I were snarking and voting and fighting the whole thing in whatever way we could there were many millions of Americans who were game for the whole misadventure.

Beowoof May 31, 2012 at 9:51 am

The only thing that I would add to that is make it into a reality show, Bush and Dick prison. Watch the ensuing hilarity. Well at least to me.

Baconzgood May 31, 2012 at 9:13 am

Sure are alot of pricks in the world.

Isyaignert May 31, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Testosterone is the most dangerous drug in the world.

EatsBabyDingos May 31, 2012 at 9:14 am

Why not throw them all in a sinking boat with one life jacket? Winner gets to join a club (to the head).

Estproph May 31, 2012 at 9:14 am

Bush/Cheney, of course. Maybe they should be sentenced to live the rest of their lives in Crawford.

Beowoof May 31, 2012 at 9:52 am

With no air conditioning and they actually have to cut brush.

frostbitefalls May 31, 2012 at 9:14 am

I vote for Henry the K.

actor212 May 31, 2012 at 9:15 am

Oooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Can we put Snooki on the list?

Beowoof May 31, 2012 at 9:53 am

Don't leave out the Situation.

Chow Yun Flat May 31, 2012 at 9:16 am

It doesn't make Omar al-Bashir any less evil nor less liable for crimes against humanity including genocide to say that the war between Sudan and South Sudan is more complex than Sudanese aggression.

anniegetyerfun May 31, 2012 at 10:15 am

Yeah, same people, new map, same old horrible need to murder them all.

freakishlywrong May 31, 2012 at 9:17 am

It is vomitious that that war criminal will be welcomed by the black guy who has taken all the blame for his disastrous presidency, to the WH to view his official portrait. It should hang in the bathroom. The one all the tourists use.

Beowoof May 31, 2012 at 9:54 am

How about an outhouse at an Air Force Base in Nome. In passing, the Board of Elections here in Monroe County, NY still has pictures of Bush and Cheney hanging in their public reception area. Real dopes running government in this neck of the woods.

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 11:43 am

Do you mean hang, or soak?

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 9:17 am

How come no one ever complains about this Dictator?

karlamarx June 1, 2012 at 11:16 am

i am truly impressed by your store of arcane knowledge. and your funniness.

FakaktaSouth May 31, 2012 at 9:18 am

It may be a terribly important and life changing link or video or whatever it is, but if you think for ONE SECOND that I am EVER going to click on something that says "naked and bound 12 year old boy" you are CRAZY.

Oh, and I vote for Dick and the Dub, of course.

noodlesalad May 31, 2012 at 9:30 am

Seriously, what is this, the Free Republic fan site?

didgen May 31, 2012 at 11:40 am

I agree.

Abernathy May 31, 2012 at 9:18 am

I'd vote for 5 very wide nets to scoop up all the John Yoo-style, pedantic, technocratic assholes who make the banal evil possible.

anniegetyerfun May 31, 2012 at 10:16 am

You'd need one of those wide nets for Yoo's fat face alone. God, I hate that guy.

weejee May 31, 2012 at 9:22 am

Can we dig up Tricky Dickie Nixon and try him and hang him for whacking Sal Allende? Vietnam too, also. Not a routine supporter of capital punishment, but for zombie Nixon I could make an exception.

unclejeems May 31, 2012 at 11:54 am

Well, if it could happen to Cromwell . . .

SayItWithWookies May 31, 2012 at 12:03 pm

As long as he's reburied afterwards — I have yet to fulfill my vow to pee on his grave.

Ducksworthy May 31, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I think Fox still has his head in the Futurama vault. We could get that.

ElPinche May 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

Bush/Cheney 2012 (to the Hague)

chascates May 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

Dr. Kissinger!!!!!! Not a dictator but a dictator enabler.

weejee May 31, 2012 at 9:32 am

Indeed, that asshat played with the Vietnam war negotiations during the summer & fall of 1972 to try to improve Nixon's poll numbers v. McGovern. Nixon never, ever, was going to loose that election. Playing with the killing fields for political advantage should be something worthy of a trial.

ps – Proudest vote I ever cast was for George McGovern, knowing full well he was headed to defeat.

MoeDeLawn May 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I think my McGovern was surpassed by 2008's for Barry. The results were decidely mixed in both results.

I am ashamed of the Nader in 2004.

BaldarTFlagass May 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

I have a feeling that the votes here will be overwhelmingly for Bush/Cheney, because USA NUMBER 1!!!

fuflans May 31, 2012 at 3:22 pm

except there's nobody commenting on this thread.

too much gore and thinking.

CthuNHu May 31, 2012 at 9:24 am

What about Barack Hussein Obama, for forcing healthcare on a once free people? Huh? What about him? Or is it only job-creating dictators you hate?

Negropolis May 31, 2012 at 9:31 am

I honestly don't get Assad's strategy. Surely, he has to know his fate will either be prison or death, and that continuing to slaughter your civilians will get you closer to the latter than the former when all is said and done. He's way beyond the Ben Ali and Mubarak phase.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't lose any sleep if his ticket is stamped one-way to hell.

anniegetyerfun May 31, 2012 at 10:18 am

I think he'll end up in exile in a wealthy fake country, like Monaco.

Negropolis May 31, 2012 at 9:41 pm

No, no. Like I said, he's already slaughtered way too many civilians and in a way far to damning and direct for that to be an option, anymore, especially with the new way people view dictators during this Arab Spring.

Ben Ali got away because he lost his military. Mubarak went a bit further, but he also lost his military, ultimately. Assad has not let go of his military, nor have they turned on him, and this has dragged on for over a year, now. No, he's not coming back from the edge; he already crossed the line and then some. Not even Russia will have his ass, now, nor will they be able to find him some banana republic to retire to.

fuflans May 31, 2012 at 3:03 pm

i'm imaging his last 15 minutes are gong to be a lot like gaddafi's.

EatsBabyDingos May 31, 2012 at 9:32 am

All of 'em, Katie. (someone had to say it).

noodlesalad May 31, 2012 at 9:33 am

Li Peng is the highest ranking official from the Tiananmen massacre to still be kicking. Can we bring him in for questioning?

randcoolcatdaddy May 31, 2012 at 9:33 am

Sheesh … why didn't we invade Sri Lanka instead of Iraq? I guess oil corporation money talks louder than cruise line corporation money …

Fare la Volpe May 31, 2012 at 9:43 am

I propose a dictator-only Hunger Games. Take every one of them, place them on an abandoned island in the South Pacific, give them nothing but a knife and one note of their currency (gotta have something to wipe their asses), and let them fight to the death while the world watches.

Then when Cheney emerges victorious by feasting on the hearts of his victims, we nuke the site from orbit (it's the only way to be sure).

Ratings gold, baby.

Vecchiojohn May 31, 2012 at 9:51 am

Bush and Cheney should spend the rest of their lives emptying colostomy bags at a veterans' hospital.

anniegetyerfun May 31, 2012 at 10:19 am

Yes, this. A thousand times over.

mavenmaven May 31, 2012 at 10:25 am

Dr. Stephen Forman at City of Hope made a similar recommendation several years ago in an essay at HuffPost http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-stephen-forman/a

OneYieldRegular May 31, 2012 at 10:19 am

It is nothing short of astounding that we have an international war crimes tribunal and that it has successfully convicted someone as heinous as Charles Taylor. Time once again to go and read Nuremberg prosecutor Robert Jackson's "poisoned chalice" speech and be grateful.

mavenmaven May 31, 2012 at 10:27 am

For a moment there I thought this was next year's line up for "Dancing With The Stars".

under_score May 31, 2012 at 10:32 am

Absolutely no snark: thank you for putting the criminal Rajapaksa family on the list. That is one gorgeously fucked up country. If they had oil, we'd be all over this shit. Tea and cinnamon are not as important as they used to be.

thesuniverse May 31, 2012 at 11:06 am

Has anyone created the War Crimes Dictator Playing Card set yet?

sullivanst May 31, 2012 at 11:40 am

Robert Mugabe's hands are far from blood-free.

Ducksworthy May 31, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Um. Has anybody pointed out that Rev. Pat Robertson made a ton of money on those slave diamonds?

Generation[redacted] May 31, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Look, I know it's all fashionable to jump on the Bush/Cheney/Gitmo bandwagon, but we really shouldn't rush to judgement until we've given them a chance to tell their side of the story under their own enhanced interrogation techniques.

Isyaignert May 31, 2012 at 1:00 pm

It might take another generation for the US to come to grips with just what the fuk Amerikkka turned into under the GeeDub and Cheney The Dick regime.

While in Germany a couple of years ago, I was touring a former concentration camp and there were several school groups there, who were learning about a very dark time in their nation's history.

Maybe some day there'll be a "truth and reconcilliation" commission to uncover just what those evil fuks did to us and the world. We never had a real 9/11 investigation, and it'll be harder to get answers as time goes by, especially since all of the evidence was immediately removed from the crime scene and destroyed.

Karma, do thy thing.

fuflans May 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

oh mugabe's got some blood on his hands.

M. Bouffant May 31, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Every "leader," political, religious, business, military, yada, is, by definition, a criminal, & they should all be executed.

doloras May 31, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Sri Lanka is my favourite counterexample for "Buddhism isn't a REAL religion, man, it's cool, they don't hurt people". Ask any Tamil.

ttommyunger May 31, 2012 at 9:05 pm

No snark: a Federal Judge in Atlanta (Wendy Shoob) laid fifty years on a drug dealer. He immediately screamed "I can't do fifty years!", to which Judge Shoob calmly replied: "Just do the best you can.".

TribecaMike May 31, 2012 at 9:59 pm

How Drew Carey got left off this list is beyond me.

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