Moonie Times Columnist Has Many Nuanced, Reasonable Opinions About Bikesharing

DC's Capital Bikeshare program, for which you pay a fee to join and then ride bikes to and from docking stations across the city, is a popular thing that keeps enlisting new members and expanding. Its success is leading other cities, such as New York, to start their own programs. Now, as an earth-destroying motorist, your Wonkette author basically hates bikers and runs them over at every opportunity. But it's hard to deny the success of a successful program that most people like, right? And now we canreallyconfirm the success of this program, because aWashington Timescolumnist has written a pathetic, desperate screed about how bikesharing is communist, and gay, and the downfall of the West, essentially.

Let It Be Known: Moonie Times penman Charles Hurt is sick of the communist queers picking up bicycles for transportation, near his house:

Unlike Sarah Palin or Tina Fey, or whoever it was, I really can see Russia from my front porch. Or, at least, I can see broken-down socialism.

That is because across the street from my house on Capitol Hill is a loud, clanging “Capital Bikeshare” docking station. It is one of the locking ports for those fat, red communal bicycles you see peddled all over town by commune enthusiasts. (Say that fast, and it sounds like you are saying “commun-ists.”)

"Say that fast, and it sounds like you are saying 'commun-ists'" -- Sentence published in theWashington Times, Wednesday, May 30, 2012.

Now, back to them all being Maoist queers, and Charles Hurt being sexist:

For a small membership fee, users can pick up a bike at any of 165 such docking stations and proudly pedal themselves to work, school or to pick up Chinese food. The little black wire basket on the front is sturdy enough to carry a briefcase or a carry-out order of tofu. The bikes are shaped like the old-timey “girl bikes” without the crossbar, making them suitable for un-liberated women in skirts as well as these so-called “metrosexual” males everybody keeps talking about in these parts.

It just sort ofgoes onlike this. At the end, Hurt explains how delighted he was to watch a woman get mugged by a cyclist recently, as it proved that biking is bad for society:

My personal pride in the program reached a new level last week after reading about a woman in my neighborhood who was talking on her cellular phone. A thug rode by on a bike, slapped her and swiped her phone.

He was probably that invisible blah thug who stole the Daily Caller guy's bike, too! It all fits together.

[ Moonie Times ]