punching hippies

House Armed Services Committee Will Teach Stupid Hippie Generals The Error Of Their Ways

How we learned to stop worrying and love algae-based biofuelsLibtards have a few grudging stock answers for things they like about the military: it kickstarted social integration in the country. It put Jean Claude Aristide back in power in Haiti, for a while. It scrubbed Alaskan rocks and seagulls of the Exxon-Valdez’s bubbling crude. And it has led the way on alternative energy, both in its own R&D and as a ready-made market. All the generals (who are apparently a bunch of stupid hippies) agreed that Murka’s dependence on foreign oil — the government was spending $1 billion a day on it — was a bit of a national security problem! Well, it is not a national security problem anymore, because the House Armed Services Committee — oh, and the rest of the House — has decided to make it illegal for the military to use any alternative fuels if they cost more than regular gas, coal, and oil! If a stupid hippie general likes something, all the House GOP has to do is kill it for no reason, and the problem (of a hippie somewhere smiling) is solved! Those guys, always looking out for the military’s needs!

We remember a time when if “the generals” wanted solid-gold ballwashers, they got solid-gold ballwashers! But now, it seems, the Republican members of the House are a little more frugal. Oh, not for the important stuff, like building East Coast Star Wars installations that the Pentagon doesn’t want — no, that they will get. But for stupid stuff, like biofuels to power their infernal machines, and this:

The Conaway amendment included in the fiscal year 2013 National Defense Authorization Act (H.R. 4310) was meant to limit the Defense Department’s participation in an interagency agreement with the departments of Energy and Agriculture to spend $510 million to construct biorefineries capable of producing “drop-in” biofuels for the use by the Navy in its ships and jets, according to a summary.

Would such a thing perhaps have had important longterm social and economic ripple effects, with the military’s enormous buying power enabling R&D that would benefit many types of important industries (and consumers)?

The effort has drawn the interest of commercial aviation giants such as Boeing Co. and United Continental Holdings, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said earlier this year.

Interest From Commercial Airlines
“They are very, very interested,” Vilsack said during remarks at forum held by the U.S. Conference of Mayors. “They too are interested in having 50 percent of their fuel supply, over time, being met by biofuels.”

Well, sucks to be you, commercial aviation giants, because you are not Big Oil, haha!

From AllGov:

Ironically [Oklahoma Sen. James] Inhofe, who objected strenuously to what would be a $12 million subsidy to the biofuels industry, voted in March to retain various subsidies to the oil industry, which are worth about $2 billion annually. As AllGov has reported previously, U.S. subsidies to the fossil fuel industry outweigh those to alternative energy by 6 to 1. Since 1989, Inhofe has received more than $1 million in campaign donations from the oil and gas industry.

Oh, and just one last thing. There’s one alternative fuel the military will now be able to use.

The exclusions, however, do not eliminate all alternative fuels. Congressmen also recommended the exemption of the Defense Department from previous restrictions that prevent federal agencies from buying fuels that are more polluting than conventional fossil fuels.

And that is how you steward and have dominion over the earth: by punching hippie generals in the face.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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        1. Jus_Wonderin

          I probably need to get one of those luxuries the Republicans are always saying we have…like air conditioning.

    1. Rotundo_

      I have the stuff (catnip) growing in the back yard. One of life's great pleasures is ripping off a sprig of the good stuff and turning them loose on it. The fresh (as in non-dried, ripped from the plant) seems to be rather potent and they love chewing it. I plan on drying a boatload of it and letting the good times roll this winter instead of buying toys full of it. One nice thing about it, it is easy to grow and pretty tolerant of the brown thumbed, if you got some seed from one of the gardening companies you could get set up for home grown pretty easy.

      1. Barb

        I love your post, Rotundo. No snark intended, seriously. I do NOT know the answer to this. Does having fresh nip in the garden cause feral cats to come to your yard?

        1. Rotundo_

          It doesn't seem to, but then again it grows so well here it is considered a noxious weed by the non-felinophiles. I haven't noticed any cats other than my neighbors which is allowed to roam on occasion and one or two from elsewhere in the neighborhood. I suspect that the big draw for ferals is food, mice, songbirds and other targets of opportunity and without food as a draw, I think catnip on its own wouldn't bring them in. A container planting of it, or even a couple of pots of it would be enough for a relatively continuous supply.

  1. nounverb911

    "General, you can have anything you don't want, just as long as it's built in my district".

    1. Rotundo_

      With most of these crackers, the shipyards and factories cranking stuff out is most of the employment in their district. They will be deficit hawks right up to the point that their cash cow is on the line, at which time, things like the Osprey, and other ludicrously overpriced and underperforming piles of shit get preserved, even if the country as a whole would be safer without them. It's why we still build guided missile subs and why we build aircraft carriers AKA floating targets and tanks that really don't have much of a function in a modern urban warfare setting.

  2. Maman

    Turns out that Generals believe in climate change and loathe dependence on foreign oil. Even the Canadian version.

    Punch those hippies in the nutz

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      `Yeah, I'd love to see Jimmy Inhofe or the doughy pantloads on the House Armed Services Comittee try to punch a member of the JCS in the nuts, if only because the ass-kicking that would quickly follow would be truly epic.

    1. Callyson

      Because Iowa is a swing state. If those commies would just vote GOP consistently, the subsidies would start rolling again…

    1. Eve8Apples

      I agree. You can go to any maximum security prison in the United States and find leaders with more common sense and compassion than most members of Congress.

      1. Rotundo_

        Dare I say it? Oh hell, why not? Those guys would probably have shorter rap sheets than most of the house and senate too.

    2. glamourdammerung

      Congress really is made up of the worst people in the world.

      That is a terribly unfair thing to state. After all, look at Ron Paul, Thad McCotter, and Trent Franks. Do they look like people to you?

    1. mrpuma2u

      The single tail whip is nice, but a flogger or a buggy whip scares people more, uh I mean that's what I heard or something.

  3. actor212

    Say, Editrix? Do you know if the Pentagon will be auctioning off those solid gold ballwashers? The Wonkette men's room only has the silver ones, and my balls keep turning blue…

    (hmmmm…with that new logo, maybe I ought to be a bit more respectful towards Editrix…unless of course, it's better not to be….)

    1. Rotundo_

      Only if they are supplied by front companies headed by US citizens who donate to the right political causes, heavy emphasis on right…

  4. qwerty42

    Say, when did Our Wonkette's image change from the Library Science major to the Editrix?
    this is important!

    And … as for these goofs we have to put up with and all their (corrupt) crazy beliefs … they seem to be in the throes of a kind of hysteria. Maybe it will work itself out and we won't be too screwed when they do.

    1. noodlesalad

      She's just working her way through graduate school, thank you very much (is there a premium subscription we can get with more "access?")

      1. qwerty42

        I had not considered that. Here is the old ref:
        …And, also, it took forever to finalize our illustration. We went around and around. Ultimately, the picture looks like an 18-year-old library scientist who is probably the type of woman that our clientele thinks is hot. I get a disturbing amount of "are you as cute as that picture?" emails. I always to say, "I'll pretend to be if that makes it funnier."…"

  5. iburl

    Fun Fact: America's energy policy is derived entirely from the lyrics to "Stranglehold" by Ted Nugent.

  6. noodlesalad

    Agreed that new technologies and fuels are dangerous and untested. I look forward to the return of the tried and tested mounted cavalry, zeppelin Air Force, and a sail-powered navy.

  7. GuanoFaucet

    Inhofe is so fucking stupid that he probably would vote to subsidize biofuels if they were called something like killin' fuel or boom-boom fuel.

    1. Callyson


      Freedom Fighter Fuel

      Decent Christian American Fuel

      Yep, he's on the phone now and wants to talk about holding a re – vote…

    2. moar_plz

      It's okay, Sen. Inhofe, we suck them plants out the ground and we lights 'em on FAHR!!!1!!

  8. coolhandnuke

    They're taking a page from Saint Ronny who was given a tour of the White House after his 1980 victory and Nancy/Mommy saw something "unseemly" on the roof and asked the tour guide what it was. The guide explained to the soon-to-be first couple that it was solar panels, installed by Pres. Carter during the oil crises and that they provided enough energy to power the entire White House. Mommy looked at Saint Ronny with that skeptical/evil smirk and Saint Ronny said "we have plenty of oil" and the solar panels were taken down when the Reagans officially entered the White House.

  9. JustPixelz

    Can't they run those tanks and jets on coal? I hear it's clean now, not that that matters to Repubicans.

  10. MissTaken

    capable of producing “drop-in” biofuels for the use by the Navy in its ships and jets, according to a summary

    Can't we just go real old-school and have the Navy ships rowed by slaves? They'll fart enough to keep CO2 levels high.

    1. SorosBot

      It worked for the Romans, and they succeeded in conquering the world which we still can't quite do.

      1. Estproph

        Until the went up against Archimedes of Samos and his phalanx of polished shields. And that used solar power, which is now proscribed for our side!

  11. Chow Yun Flat

    I can see why the oil state congress critters want to keep the military from using alternate energy sources. The huge and stable potential market for biofuels, etc. would be the basis for profiting from them.

  12. SorosBot

    "Ironically [Oklahoma Sen. James] Inhofe, who objected strenuously to what would be a $12 million subsidy to the biofuels industry, voted in March to retain various subsidies to the oil industry"

    Whoever wrote this article doesn't know what "ironically" means. In both cases, he's making sure the oil industry makes a shitload of profits, and the future is fucked. It's totally consistent.

  13. CommieLibunatic

    We have tanks that can drive 45 miles per hour, a fighter jet program that costs more than the entire GDP of Australia, and a prototype self-guiding bullet that can hit targets from a mile away. DON'T tell me we can't make our death-copters and hummers/I.E.D. targets run on french fry oil. If some dude in Mississippi can monster-garage his Civic to do it, the military sure as fuck can.

    1. Preferred Customer

      Of course they CAN. That's the entire problem. If they are allowed to do it, they will. And then where would we be? And by "we," I mean "those of us who are billionaire oilmen."

    2. Rotundo_

      The tanks are turbine powered and can run on almost anything combustible if it can be pumped through the injectors and lines gasoline, kerosene, biodiesel will all go down pretty well, so long as there is something to prevent gelling in extreme cold. Aviation fuel is a little more tricky due to temperature extremes, you don't want that F18 stalling out at an inopportune moment.

    1. redarmyzombie

      To be fair, we've always known they never REALLY loved the military now, did they?

    2. timbo71351

      Who do you think these dick-licking brain donors get more campaign contributions and 17-year-old hookers from: ExxonMobil or the U.S. Marines?

  14. whiterabid

    Short sighted politicians selling out our national security for the benefit of their financial donors? Say it ain't so, Joe.

      1. Negropolis

        We need to make an honest oligarchy of our government and marry her and stop pretending that it's something it's not.

        We've got a representative democracy, all right. It just doesn't represent actual, everyday constituents, anymore.

  15. Fairtackle

    This kinda reminds me of a time I was drunk (duh) and troll baiting and joined a discussion about what a shit Obama was for subsidizing solar power because it made the playing field uneven for other sources of power. I suggested we should stop subsidizing oil then and they were all like "!?!" as in "what subsidies?", "tax breaks are not subsidies!" etc.

    fucking fucks

  16. coolhandnuke

    On the bright side, they do produce enough methane gas to keep Sheboygan powered up for the duration. Now, if we could only find a way to tap/refine this source.

  17. decay500

    "the best lack all conviction, the worst are full of…" kickbacks, dark funding, hatred, sky-lord-magic boners, fox&friends, mega-disinformation schemes.

  18. DonnyKerabotsos

    Well in all honesty, who really wants a solar powered sold-gold ball washer? What if you want to wash your balls at night?

  19. bravo_sierra

    Well, at least we now what House Republicans love more than giving the military expensive things it doesn't need or want – keeping their Big Oil buddies fat and happy. Now, if we could only find a way to make them choose between the oil industry and their pet social issues. "Either Chevron will have to make do with $1 billion less in subsidies OR the gays can marry and you'll have to extract your sonogram wand out of the collective American vagina."

  20. Baconzgood

    That hawt wonkette logo reminds me of a story. An old friend of mine was visiting me in Chi town. There was this woman at the bar dressed like that, minus the mask and whip. Don, who was VERY drunk, even for him walked up to her and said "those heels are so sexy I'd pay you $50 to kick me in the balls with them". She looked at him and without batting an eye, kicked him in the tangles so hard she lifted him 3 inches off the ground. While Donny was rolling in pain she cool as can be, reached into his back pocket, took $50 out of his wallet, and then replaced the wallet. Thanks Wonkette, I haven't thought about that in ten years.

  21. weejee

    Madame Editrix, hoping I'm not making a gaff here but…

    Seattle people:

    We had three more folks shot and killed today. Tonight Mrs. weejee (aka the Mayor of Union Street) and I will be at a gunz & violence meeting being held by the East Precinct Advisory Council over at the Garfield Community Center (6:30-8:00 PM). Be there if you can make it. Gunz are just too cool, but this shit has to stop.

    1. MittBorg

      Tweeted 30s ago: ‏@thepoliticalcat

      Gunz & violence meeting by East Precinct Advisory Council at Garfield Community Center, Seattle, 6:30-8:00 PM. Be there if you can.

  22. Slim_Pickins

    It seems strange that they don't grow corn in Oklahoma. Maybe the Senator is simply unaware of it? At any rate, I'll bet that more corn farmers than big oil companies vote in OK.

  23. glamourdammerung

    The military needs to simply publicly complain about this policy. Of course, we could never allow that because it might hurt Republican's fragile widdle feelings and Boehner would cry again.

  24. oiiii1

    "has decided to make it illegal for the military to use any alternative fuels if they cost more than regular gas, coal, and oil! "

    But then, of course, selling a $16 wooden plank for $148 (Halliburton) is perfectly legal.

  25. owhatever

    No more wind-powered ships, you understand, you weak-chinned little mama's boys? No solar or electric battery power or nukes, neither. No nothing, ever, just because it's futurely, like those moon buggies that didn't have V-8 engines. We be in the oil bidness, partner.

  26. Negropolis

    Honestly, what a bunch of spiteful, petty bastards. They have literally gone out of their way to micro-manage something out of pure, ideological spite. This is a social sickness that we all end up paying for.

    My god, if we don't get the House back in November…

  27. MadBrahms

    This knee-jerk reaction from the House is appalling, but I also think some on the left are making this into more of a clash between authorities than it really is. "All the generals" is actually a"coalition of retired military generals", as the linked article itself states. I'm not saying the military isn't trying things out or that the no one in the brass is concerned (see also the Navy plan), but let's not paint too rosy a picture of just how dedicated our Flying Deathbot Support Team is to killing brown people with biodegradable soya bombs.

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