WHAT REALLY MATTERS  3:00 pm May 30, 2012

This Friendly Republican Will Help Us All Get Drunk At The Democratic Convention

by Jim Newell

And then she lostWhat is the best part of being in town at national political conventions? Seeing the speeches in person? Meeting an array of interesting activists? No, those are the worst parts — the best part is getting wasted and flopping around and pissing in the middle of the street while political activity is occurring in nearby arenas. But because North Carolina’s state-owned liquor stores are closed on Sundays and the Labor Day Monday preceding the Democratic National Convention, it’s going to be hard to procure the tools of intoxication necessary to survive several days of pathetic grandstanding and megabank marketing. Help, help, sympathetic Republican boozebag!

The problem, as identified — aside from the fact that people can’t buy jugs of moonshine for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS before a political convention — is that with ABC stores closed on Sunday and Monday, bars and restaurants will face inventory shortages heading into a week in which liver-destruction demand is expected to spike to historic highs. At least this one Republican understands that Democrats are pathetic, self-loathing alcoholics who hate the world, and he empathizes:

“The restaurants are going to be selling an awful lot of liquor on Friday, Saturday and Sunday with the Democrats coming into town,” said Rep. Bill Brawley, R-Mecklenburg.

Brawley is a cosponsor of H 1121, a bill that would allow ABC stores in Mecklenburg County remain open on Labor Day. The bill would only change the law for 2012 and wouldn’t apply elsewhere in the state.

Get it the motherfuck done, Brawley.

[WRAL]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 128 comments }

Barb May 30, 2012 at 3:03 pm

God bless America and the brown liquors. Jim, Jack, Johnny, you all know you are my bitches!

larrykat May 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

You just had to throw that ferigner in there, huh? What are ya, French er somethin?

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm

JOHNNY DRUM LIBEL!

(ps you're welcome, Barb ;-) )

sullivanst May 30, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Johnnie's a filthy furner.

[Wah! beaten to it.]

memzilla May 30, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Hey, the Belgians bought Anheuser-Busch, so anyone drinking Bud is a YURRAPEEN SOSHLIST!

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Well, then I'd better hurry and finish this before anyone sees!

chicken_thief May 30, 2012 at 4:01 pm

When drinkin' the brewskis, Yurrapeen and Imapeen – we're all pee'n!!!

bagofmice May 30, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Those are some names you can wrap your mouth around.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Pity there's no Dick…

EatsBabyDingos May 30, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Like Rick Perry's butt in the shower, this is something we can all get behind.

chicken_thief May 30, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Say wha?!

~ Marcus

CrunchyKnee May 30, 2012 at 3:06 pm

So brave.

Mittens Howell, III May 30, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Way to get bi-partisanly shit-faced!

randcoolcatdaddy May 30, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Perhaps we should amend NC's constitution to allow the sale of liquor seven days a week. At least if I can't get gay married, I can get roaring drunk.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I'm in favour.

BaldarTFlagass May 30, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Fucking RINO.

memzilla May 30, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Rehab In Name Only?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 30, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop–maybe an amendment requiring any woman buying alcohol that weekend to have a transvaginal ultrasound.

boobookitteh May 30, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Silly! Wimmen aren't alllowed to buy liquor!

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:13 pm

According to the documentary I saw on History last night…"Hatfields & McCoys"…they can buy moonshine. So long as they fuck the still-master and have his babby.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Is THAT how babby is formed?

dijetlo May 30, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Only if he's kinfolk.

Chichikovovich May 30, 2012 at 3:07 pm

This is what the framers of the Twenty-First Amendment would have wanted.

LettucePrey May 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

This is North Carolina, right? Why can't someone just get an old Dodge Charger, paint a confederate flag on it, and import booze from the next county as a sideline business? Oh, and weld the doors shut.

BaldarTFlagass May 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I think Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed may be free that week.

SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

That should be John Schneider and Tom Wopat; sounds like someone doesn't get the reference.

LettucePrey May 30, 2012 at 3:18 pm

That's a Waylon Jennings, banjo-pickin' upfist for you, Soros.

SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 3:24 pm

As a child of the 80s, I watched way too many episodes without realizing what a piece of crap that was.

BaldarTFlagass May 30, 2012 at 3:25 pm

So, cross-referencing to other hillbilly boozerunners is now a mock-worthy offense here at Wonkette?

Chichikovovich May 30, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Yeah, man, that's, um, … intertextuality! Or pandemonium. Or cathodic protection. Anyway, there's a name for it and it's really cool.

dijetlo May 30, 2012 at 3:45 pm

NASCAR? Who the fuck doesn't mock NASCAR?
It's the Dover 500 this weekend and the city has rented a half dozen front end loaders to remove the incapacitated from the medians and crosswalks of our fair town. It's like a scene from soylent green, but with more shouty vomiting and of course, we don't eat them.
We just harvest their vital organs and compost the rest so….win!

TheGyrus May 30, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Couldn't be those two – they are prohibited from leaving Hazzard county due to the terms of their parole.

sullivanst May 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Can't we get them all to jump in old Chargers, and weld the doors shut… the windows too?

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Then roll the cars into the crick?

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Only if it's a real deep crick.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Hey, if Susan Smith could drown her kids…

Baconzgood May 30, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Rosko noise at the end of the credits upfist!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78FGPVHOPYA

memzilla May 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Two words: BOOZE CONVOY.

We need to set up a conveyor belt of rolling steel and cases of liquor. Then we can go directly to Step 3: PROFIT!!!

And as far as "dry" vs "wet" counties (I'm looking at you, Tennessee): the old joke is, due to the prevalence of illegal moonshiners:

Q: What's the difference between a "dry" county and a "wet" county?
A: You can get a drink on a Sunday in a "dry" county!

larrykat May 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Yeah, we need some old Camaros and Burt Reynolds!

memzilla May 30, 2012 at 3:13 pm

It was enough to start NASCAR, it should be enough to handle a week of Dems.

boobookitteh May 30, 2012 at 3:13 pm

You buy, I'll fly

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Hm, I dunno, them "shine" fellahs get might oh-fended…

Mittens Howell, III May 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

A Democratic convention without booze would be like a Republican convention without rent-boys.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I was thinkin' "whores," but you're right. Few and far between are the Republicans who have scandalous relationships with actual adult women.

Baconzgood May 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I was soooooooo happy that the PA LCB let the state stores open on Sunday. Although there is only one open in Pittsburgh. It's on the other side of town so by the time I get back home my whiskey bottle is empty. Then I have to drive back, and again when I get home the bottle is full of air. So I drive back….

Sharkey May 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm

What, do all the bottles have holes in the bottom or something? You should contact the BBB.

Baconzgood May 30, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Yeeeeaaaah…..*looking around all shifty like* A hole in the bottom.

SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm

And even the rare superstores and beer distributorships are only open from noon to five, a narrow window; still it's nice that they finally started allowing a few places to sell alcohol on Sundays.

DerrickWildcat May 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

How much for that Victory Gin?

memzilla May 30, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Prices are posted in Room 101.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Odd. That's what the madam told me…..too……hmmmmmm….

Chill_Bill May 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

We will drink, but let the Republicans do the drunk driving.

BaldarTFlagass May 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Maybe he hopes the Dems will get all drunk and nominate a black guy or something equally ludicrous… wait, what?!?

sullivanst May 30, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I'm not sure a guy named "Brawley" is the ideal messenger for increasing the availability of alcoholic beverages.

Chichikovovich May 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

At least his folks didn't name him Benchclearing.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Or Piersix

flamingpdog May 30, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Or Tawana.

FNMA May 30, 2012 at 3:09 pm

State-owned liquor stores? So that's how they roll in the People's Republic of North Carolina…SOSHALLISTs!!1!1!

OldWhiteLies May 30, 2012 at 3:53 pm

We just recently dumped that noise here in WA state. This Friday, we can FINALLY buy booze in teh grocery stores – any day of the week. No more going to state liquor stores.

Cause what else is there to do, while sitting under your patio umbrella to stay outta the torrential downpour that has disrupted your BBQ desires, but sip finely aged bourbonz! (or any aged bourbonz, for that matter)

FNMA May 30, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Actually, I live in Pa. where we have state-owned stores. I don't mind at all. The prices aren't out of line and the clerks who work there are unionized and make decent livings. And they all know me and make sure they have plenty of Buffalo Trace available. (Speaking of fine bourbon…)

OldWhiteLies May 30, 2012 at 4:09 pm

OH sure, make me feel guilty now for jerb killing.

Actually, I'm pretty sure all our major grocery stores here in WA are unionized. They auctioned off the state stores to private persons, so one wonders if those jerbs are still mostly there.

Plus I do have to admit that here in my ruralish little berg, we had the coolest state store that everybody referred to as Two Old Ladies Liquor Store. A mouthful indeed if one has imbibed to excess. And they, likewise, kept the best Scotch and bourban on the shelf. OH GEEZE, guilt now ensues.

SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Unionized grocery stores? Whoa, that's amazing; they must have much stronger unions in fake Washington than anywhere else.

Preferred Customer May 30, 2012 at 3:09 pm

The one thing that I miss most about Michigan was its easy, perhaps even cavalier, attitude towards access to package booze compared to some of the states over here on the East Coast. Booze at the drug store? No problem. None of this pesky "ABC" nonsense. Hell, we even called our convenience stores "party stores." Because that's where the party was.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

East coast states have become somewhat more liberal lately. Connecticut just lifted Sunday bans. New Jersey….god bless its little heart….has long had liquor in supermarkets.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I guess I've lived among drunks all my life. From the time I was born to this very day, I have never lived in a place where alcohol wasn't easily available any day or time of the week. Grocery stores, convenience stores, liquor stores, supermarkets, EVERYwhere.

I still remember how shocked I was to find, in Ireland, that I had to go to a special store to buy my booze.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Hey! A helpful Republican!

What's the catch?

Mittens Howell, III May 30, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Roofies.

memzilla May 30, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Your soul.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Don't threaten ME with a good time…

biblioteq_tress May 31, 2012 at 12:10 am

Wait for him to tap you foot under the men's room stall, and you'll find out what the catch is, hombre.

chicken_thief May 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm

He's looking forward to some income for his district from the local law enforcement handing out shitloads and shitloads of public intox citations.

metamarcisf May 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Co-sponsored by Rep. Otis Campbell (D) Mayberry

Baconzgood May 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Fat, drunk, and blue dog is no way to go through life son.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ May 30, 2012 at 3:13 pm

So who's going to pass legislation for Hillsborough County in Florida to temporarily legalize man rental? Step up!

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Huh. Wouldja look at that. All those Republicans, just running hell-fer-leather in the opposite direction.

Joshua Norton May 30, 2012 at 3:14 pm

California sells booze 24/7/365. But they really need it out here. I was thrilled to be suddenly able to buy a 6 pack on Sunday after suffering under the lash of Massachusetts blue laws for years.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I don't even understand the concept of not selling booze on Sundays. So, what, people should buy more on Saturdays?

BaldarTFlagass May 30, 2012 at 4:03 pm

That's how it works where I live.

coolhandnuke May 30, 2012 at 3:14 pm

You can't say Bill Brawley without using liberal.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:15 pm

We're progressives! We can work with synthohol!

edgydrifter May 30, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The Dems are thirsty up in Charlotte
and there's beer down in Catawba…

Smokey and the Bandit loses its grandeur when you can literally walk from your hotel to the state line to buy booze.

Generation[redacted] May 30, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Yeah but I'd still do Sally Field.

Poindexter718 May 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Smokey and the Bandit III?
Bams & Hillary in the Trans-Am and Biden driving the truckload of hooch DC to NC…

FlownOver May 30, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Poindexter718 May 30, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Holy feck! Quothe IMDb: "Big and Little Enos are opening a sea food restaurant. They bet Sheriff Buford T. Justice that he cannot drive from Miami to the Enos ranch in Texas in a given amount of time. If Buford loses he has to give up his badge."
Epic sequel FAIL! Must see if Netflix is streaming this (or is it only available on Betamax??!!). Thanks!

Mahousu May 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Ha ha, joke's on them! Democrats are all Mooslim sharia-law followers nowadays, so no drinking will occur!

sharethegrief May 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

If Michelle brings her pot from the White House, it's a win-win.

Generation[redacted] May 30, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Now I have to buy her book on home gardening

Callyson May 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Now, THIS is what bipartisan cooperation looks like…

BaldarTFlagass May 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm

"Brawley is a cosponsor of H 1121, a bill that would allow ABC stores in Mecklenburg County remain open on Labor Day. The bill would only change the law for 2012 and wouldn’t apply elsewhere in the state."

And in typical Republican fashion, he'll vote against it once it gets out of committee and onto the floor.

weejee May 30, 2012 at 3:18 pm
SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 3:19 pm

And they'll need booze to deal with having to stay in fucking North Carolina.

MissTaken May 30, 2012 at 3:20 pm

To show my solidarity for my sober Dems at the convention that Sunday I will walk to the Walgreen's down the street and buy a bottle of rum. On the walk back I will stop at the 7-11 and purchase a single bottle of Newcastle to drink on the street (in a paper bag, but still!). When I arrive home I will log on to Mike's Liquors and order a keg for delivery to my apartment. Obama 2012!
http://www.mikesliquors.com/

SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 3:23 pm

You spoiled Californians with liquor sold at places other than state stores.

MissTaken May 30, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Yes, but we can't buy a 6-pack to go at a bar. And seeing that cigarette machine near the bathroom was a blast from the past.

Barb May 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Oh man, I forgot about being able to buy beer to go at Philadelphia bars. Good times!

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I'm not familiar with this tradition. Doesn't it sort of, you know, defeat the purpose of a bar?

Like in the UK, I know they have off-licenses usually in the back or next to a pub, but that's for after hours drinking in the bar (pubs close at like ten). But no pub would sell liquor for off premises consumption and cut into their massive profits

SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 3:43 pm

If it makes you guys feel any better, the 6-packs to go are usually ridiculously overpriced.

flamingpdog May 30, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I'm a Beaver Liquors man myself.

Sharkey May 30, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Dayam, Hillz! That shit is 100 proof, and you're already cross-eyed!

HobbesEvilTwin May 30, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Ha ha, jokes on you, you sucker dems – the whole state'll be underwater by September.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Stop it you're getting my hopes up

Jus_Wonderin May 30, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Does Florida have drive-up liquor windows, like Louisiana does? 'Cuz, hell, if I gotta get out the car…I might loose my buzz.

MissTaken May 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I dated a guy who went to school in Wyoming and he said they had drive-up liquor windows, but as a driver you couldn't have an open container. So you ordered a shot and had to take it at the window before driving off. It's the only civilized thing I've ever heard about Wyoming.

BelleSC May 30, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Yes, it does.

EatsBabyDingos May 30, 2012 at 3:31 pm

She's Charlotte, the harlotte
The girl I adore
Charlotte, the harlotte
The cow poker's whore

Aye aye ayeyiiiiiiiii
Your mother swims out to meet troop ships
So sing me another verse
That's worse than the other verse
And lead me around by my willy.

North Carolina State Song, I think.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I think every Institute of Higher Larnin' has some variation on that song. Ours went, "In China they do it for chilli, so sing me another that's worse than the other, and lead me around by the willy."

OneYieldRegular May 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Insider tip (I did time in Charlotte): if the booze is running low, pretty much any house in an upscale neighborhood will be awash in it. Those people have secret stockpiles of booze unrivaled by Scandinavian diplomats assigned to the Middle East.

RedneckMuslin May 30, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Someone get Ernest T. Bass on the line. Now!

Jus_Wonderin May 30, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Andy: "Hello. Sarah. Could you get me Ernest T. Bass on the line?"
Andy: "Well, yes Sarah. I am fine. Opie. Yes he is fine too."
Andy: "Yes, Aunt Bee is fine. Sarah. Could you just get me Ernest T. Bass?"
Andy: "Barney is fine Sarah. Sarah, no, you can't talk to him."
Andy: "Sarah, please, could you get Ernest T. Bass on the phone for me."
Andy: "Yes, thank you, Sarah."

niblick77 May 30, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"…the best part is getting wasted and flopping around and pissing in the middle of the street while political activity is occurring in nearby arenas." – This reads just like Brietbart's last public appearance.

johnnymeatworth May 30, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I don't use the word "hero" very often, but this Brawley is made of heroic stuff. Godspeed….

Jukesgrrl May 30, 2012 at 4:04 pm

What's been wrong with those Tarheels all along: too much M-F binge drinking, no stretching it out over seven days the way healthy people do.

Jukesgrrl May 30, 2012 at 4:15 pm

The Progressives have finally found a pipeline they can support.

DonnyKerabotsos May 30, 2012 at 5:05 pm

No booze? Way to raise the bar on the republicans. All they managed to ban at their convention were water pistols.

ttommyunger May 31, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Republicans know best how to hold their liquor…..by the ears.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Robert Mitchum was the first and the best.

Oh come on! Thunder Road's been showing for 60 years at midnight screenings! I can't be the only person who's seen it!

MissTaken May 30, 2012 at 3:30 pm

That show introduced the world to Daisy Duke and her Daisy Dukes. I'm sure many of the men (and some of the women!) here at your Wonkett would disagree with you.

flamingpdog May 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Dude, last night you dumped on the Eagles and now you dump on a fine piece of television Amerciana? Soundz like someone's getting a little blah uppity.

BaldarTFlagass May 30, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Speaking of which, I wonder where old Sheriff Roscoe has been, haven't seen him here in a while.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Only blahs can be uppitty, pdog, YOU know THAT.

SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Hey, I've dumped on the Eagles many times; one of the worst super-successful bands ever.

BaldarTFlagass May 30, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Catholic protection? But I thought….

Wile E. Quixote May 30, 2012 at 3:44 pm
chicken_thief May 30, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Chillaz, Soros. Why you wanna pick on a band just 'cause they sucked then but people still keep playing their shit? But I do agree- Hotel California can blow me.

actor212 May 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm

You need rhythm on a mommyblog.

chicken_thief May 30, 2012 at 4:05 pm

That, actor, was an AWESOME movie!!! Ending sucked, though.

And also too – Jeff Bridges! Neverfurgit!!!!

SorosBot May 30, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Considering that bars are just about the only places that can sell six packs (delis can as well), no it helps their profits; a lot of people come in just to buy a six pack.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: