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This Friendly Republican Will Help Us All Get Drunk At The Democratic Convention

And then she lostWhat is the best part of being in town at national political conventions? Seeing the speeches in person? Meeting an array of interesting activists? No, those are the worst parts — the best part is getting wasted and flopping around and pissing in the middle of the street while political activity is occurring in nearby arenas. But because North Carolina’s state-owned liquor stores are closed on Sundays and the Labor Day Monday preceding the Democratic National Convention, it’s going to be hard to procure the tools of intoxication necessary to survive several days of pathetic grandstanding and megabank marketing. Help, help, sympathetic Republican boozebag!

The problem, as identified — aside from the fact that people can’t buy jugs of moonshine for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS before a political convention — is that with ABC stores closed on Sunday and Monday, bars and restaurants will face inventory shortages heading into a week in which liver-destruction demand is expected to spike to historic highs. At least this one Republican understands that Democrats are pathetic, self-loathing alcoholics who hate the world, and he empathizes:

“The restaurants are going to be selling an awful lot of liquor on Friday, Saturday and Sunday with the Democrats coming into town,” said Rep. Bill Brawley, R-Mecklenburg.

Brawley is a cosponsor of H 1121, a bill that would allow ABC stores in Mecklenburg County remain open on Labor Day. The bill would only change the law for 2012 and wouldn’t apply elsewhere in the state.

Get it the motherfuck done, Brawley.

[WRAL]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • Barb

    God bless America and the brown liquors. Jim, Jack, Johnny, you all know you are my bitches!

    • larrykat

      You just had to throw that ferigner in there, huh? What are ya, French er somethin?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        JOHNNY DRUM LIBEL!

        (ps you're welcome, Barb ;-) )

    • sullivanst

      Johnnie's a filthy furner.

      [Wah! beaten to it.]

      • memzilla

        Hey, the Belgians bought Anheuser-Busch, so anyone drinking Bud is a YURRAPEEN SOSHLIST!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Well, then I'd better hurry and finish this before anyone sees!

        • chicken_thief

          When drinkin' the brewskis, Yurrapeen and Imapeen – we're all pee'n!!!

    • bagofmice

      Those are some names you can wrap your mouth around.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Pity there's no Dick…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Like Rick Perry's butt in the shower, this is something we can all get behind.

    • chicken_thief

      Say wha?!

      ~ Marcus

  • CrunchyKnee

    So brave.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Way to get bi-partisanly shit-faced!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Perhaps we should amend NC's constitution to allow the sale of liquor seven days a week. At least if I can't get gay married, I can get roaring drunk.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm in favour.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Fucking RINO.

    • memzilla

      Rehab In Name Only?

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop–maybe an amendment requiring any woman buying alcohol that weekend to have a transvaginal ultrasound.

    • boobookitteh

      Silly! Wimmen aren't alllowed to buy liquor!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        According to the documentary I saw on History last night…"Hatfields & McCoys"…they can buy moonshine. So long as they fuck the still-master and have his babby.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Is THAT how babby is formed?

        • dijetlo

          Only if he's kinfolk.

  • Chichikovovich

    This is what the framers of the Twenty-First Amendment would have wanted.

  • LettucePrey

    This is North Carolina, right? Why can't someone just get an old Dodge Charger, paint a confederate flag on it, and import booze from the next county as a sideline business? Oh, and weld the doors shut.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed may be free that week.

      • SorosBot

        That should be John Schneider and Tom Wopat; sounds like someone doesn't get the reference.

        • LettucePrey

          That's a Waylon Jennings, banjo-pickin' upfist for you, Soros.

          • SorosBot

            As a child of the 80s, I watched way too many episodes without realizing what a piece of crap that was.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Robert Mitchum was the first and the best.

            Oh come on! Thunder Road's been showing for 60 years at midnight screenings! I can't be the only person who's seen it!

          • chicken_thief

            That, actor, was an AWESOME movie!!! Ending sucked, though.

            And also too – Jeff Bridges! Neverfurgit!!!!

          • MissTaken

            That show introduced the world to Daisy Duke and her Daisy Dukes. I'm sure many of the men (and some of the women!) here at your Wonkett would disagree with you.

          • flamingpdog

            Dude, last night you dumped on the Eagles and now you dump on a fine piece of television Amerciana? Soundz like someone's getting a little blah uppity.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Only blahs can be uppitty, pdog, YOU know THAT.

          • SorosBot

            Hey, I've dumped on the Eagles many times; one of the worst super-successful bands ever.

          • Wile E. Quixote
          • chicken_thief

            Chillaz, Soros. Why you wanna pick on a band just 'cause they sucked then but people still keep playing their shit? But I do agree- Hotel California can blow me.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Speaking of which, I wonder where old Sheriff Roscoe has been, haven't seen him here in a while.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          So, cross-referencing to other hillbilly boozerunners is now a mock-worthy offense here at Wonkette?

          • Chichikovovich

            Yeah, man, that's, um, … intertextuality! Or pandemonium. Or cathodic protection. Anyway, there's a name for it and it's really cool.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Catholic protection? But I thought….

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            You need rhythm on a mommyblog.

          • dijetlo

            NASCAR? Who the fuck doesn't mock NASCAR?
            It's the Dover 500 this weekend and the city has rented a half dozen front end loaders to remove the incapacitated from the medians and crosswalks of our fair town. It's like a scene from soylent green, but with more shouty vomiting and of course, we don't eat them.
            We just harvest their vital organs and compost the rest so….win!

        • TheGyrus

          Couldn't be those two – they are prohibited from leaving Hazzard county due to the terms of their parole.

    • sullivanst

      Can't we get them all to jump in old Chargers, and weld the doors shut… the windows too?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Then roll the cars into the crick?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Only if it's a real deep crick.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Hey, if Susan Smith could drown her kids…

    • Baconzgood

      Rosko noise at the end of the credits upfist!
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78FGPVHOPYA

  • memzilla

    Two words: BOOZE CONVOY.

    We need to set up a conveyor belt of rolling steel and cases of liquor. Then we can go directly to Step 3: PROFIT!!!

    And as far as "dry" vs "wet" counties (I'm looking at you, Tennessee): the old joke is, due to the prevalence of illegal moonshiners:

    Q: What's the difference between a "dry" county and a "wet" county?
    A: You can get a drink on a Sunday in a "dry" county!

    • larrykat

      Yeah, we need some old Camaros and Burt Reynolds!

      • memzilla

        It was enough to start NASCAR, it should be enough to handle a week of Dems.

    • boobookitteh

      You buy, I'll fly

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hm, I dunno, them "shine" fellahs get might oh-fended…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    A Democratic convention without booze would be like a Republican convention without rent-boys.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I was thinkin' "whores," but you're right. Few and far between are the Republicans who have scandalous relationships with actual adult women.

  • Baconzgood

    I was soooooooo happy that the PA LCB let the state stores open on Sunday. Although there is only one open in Pittsburgh. It's on the other side of town so by the time I get back home my whiskey bottle is empty. Then I have to drive back, and again when I get home the bottle is full of air. So I drive back….

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      What, do all the bottles have holes in the bottom or something? You should contact the BBB.

      • Baconzgood

        Yeeeeaaaah…..*looking around all shifty like* A hole in the bottom.

    • SorosBot

      And even the rare superstores and beer distributorships are only open from noon to five, a narrow window; still it's nice that they finally started allowing a few places to sell alcohol on Sundays.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    How much for that Victory Gin?

    • memzilla

      Prices are posted in Room 101.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Odd. That's what the madam told me…..too……hmmmmmm….

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chill_Bill

    We will drink, but let the Republicans do the drunk driving.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he hopes the Dems will get all drunk and nominate a black guy or something equally ludicrous… wait, what?!?

  • sullivanst

    I'm not sure a guy named "Brawley" is the ideal messenger for increasing the availability of alcoholic beverages.

    • Chichikovovich

      At least his folks didn't name him Benchclearing.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Or Piersix

  • FNMA

    State-owned liquor stores? So that's how they roll in the People's Republic of North Carolina…SOSHALLISTs!!1!1!

    • OldWhiteLies

      We just recently dumped that noise here in WA state. This Friday, we can FINALLY buy booze in teh grocery stores – any day of the week. No more going to state liquor stores.

      Cause what else is there to do, while sitting under your patio umbrella to stay outta the torrential downpour that has disrupted your BBQ desires, but sip finely aged bourbonz! (or any aged bourbonz, for that matter)

      • FNMA

        Actually, I live in Pa. where we have state-owned stores. I don't mind at all. The prices aren't out of line and the clerks who work there are unionized and make decent livings. And they all know me and make sure they have plenty of Buffalo Trace available. (Speaking of fine bourbon…)

        • OldWhiteLies

          OH sure, make me feel guilty now for jerb killing.

          Actually, I'm pretty sure all our major grocery stores here in WA are unionized. They auctioned off the state stores to private persons, so one wonders if those jerbs are still mostly there.

          Plus I do have to admit that here in my ruralish little berg, we had the coolest state store that everybody referred to as Two Old Ladies Liquor Store. A mouthful indeed if one has imbibed to excess. And they, likewise, kept the best Scotch and bourban on the shelf. OH GEEZE, guilt now ensues.

          • SorosBot

            Unionized grocery stores? Whoa, that's amazing; they must have much stronger unions in fake Washington than anywhere else.

  • Preferred Customer

    The one thing that I miss most about Michigan was its easy, perhaps even cavalier, attitude towards access to package booze compared to some of the states over here on the East Coast. Booze at the drug store? No problem. None of this pesky "ABC" nonsense. Hell, we even called our convenience stores "party stores." Because that's where the party was.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      East coast states have become somewhat more liberal lately. Connecticut just lifted Sunday bans. New Jersey….god bless its little heart….has long had liquor in supermarkets.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I guess I've lived among drunks all my life. From the time I was born to this very day, I have never lived in a place where alcohol wasn't easily available any day or time of the week. Grocery stores, convenience stores, liquor stores, supermarkets, EVERYwhere.

      I still remember how shocked I was to find, in Ireland, that I had to go to a special store to buy my booze.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hey! A helpful Republican!

    What's the catch?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Roofies.

    • memzilla

      Your soul.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Don't threaten ME with a good time…

        • biblioteq_tress

          Wait for him to tap you foot under the men's room stall, and you'll find out what the catch is, hombre.

    • chicken_thief

      He's looking forward to some income for his district from the local law enforcement handing out shitloads and shitloads of public intox citations.

  • metamarcisf

    Co-sponsored by Rep. Otis Campbell (D) Mayberry

  • Baconzgood

    Fat, drunk, and blue dog is no way to go through life son.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    So who's going to pass legislation for Hillsborough County in Florida to temporarily legalize man rental? Step up!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Huh. Wouldja look at that. All those Republicans, just running hell-fer-leather in the opposite direction.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    California sells booze 24/7/365. But they really need it out here. I was thrilled to be suddenly able to buy a 6 pack on Sunday after suffering under the lash of Massachusetts blue laws for years.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I don't even understand the concept of not selling booze on Sundays. So, what, people should buy more on Saturdays?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        That's how it works where I live.

  • coolhandnuke

    You can't say Bill Brawley without using liberal.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    We're progressives! We can work with synthohol!

  • edgydrifter

    The Dems are thirsty up in Charlotte
    and there's beer down in Catawba…

    Smokey and the Bandit loses its grandeur when you can literally walk from your hotel to the state line to buy booze.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Yeah but I'd still do Sally Field.

  • Poindexter718

    Smokey and the Bandit III?
    Bams & Hillary in the Trans-Am and Biden driving the truckload of hooch DC to NC…

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver
      • Poindexter718

        Holy feck! Quothe IMDb: "Big and Little Enos are opening a sea food restaurant. They bet Sheriff Buford T. Justice that he cannot drive from Miami to the Enos ranch in Texas in a given amount of time. If Buford loses he has to give up his badge."
        Epic sequel FAIL! Must see if Netflix is streaming this (or is it only available on Betamax??!!). Thanks!

  • Mahousu

    Ha ha, joke's on them! Democrats are all Mooslim sharia-law followers nowadays, so no drinking will occur!

  • sharethegrief

    If Michelle brings her pot from the White House, it's a win-win.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Now I have to buy her book on home gardening

  • Callyson

    Now, THIS is what bipartisan cooperation looks like…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Brawley is a cosponsor of H 1121, a bill that would allow ABC stores in Mecklenburg County remain open on Labor Day. The bill would only change the law for 2012 and wouldn’t apply elsewhere in the state."

    And in typical Republican fashion, he'll vote against it once it gets out of committee and onto the floor.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee
  • SorosBot

    And they'll need booze to deal with having to stay in fucking North Carolina.

  • MissTaken

    To show my solidarity for my sober Dems at the convention that Sunday I will walk to the Walgreen's down the street and buy a bottle of rum. On the walk back I will stop at the 7-11 and purchase a single bottle of Newcastle to drink on the street (in a paper bag, but still!). When I arrive home I will log on to Mike's Liquors and order a keg for delivery to my apartment. Obama 2012!
    http://www.mikesliquors.com/

    • SorosBot

      You spoiled Californians with liquor sold at places other than state stores.

      • MissTaken

        Yes, but we can't buy a 6-pack to go at a bar. And seeing that cigarette machine near the bathroom was a blast from the past.

        • Barb

          Oh man, I forgot about being able to buy beer to go at Philadelphia bars. Good times!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I'm not familiar with this tradition. Doesn't it sort of, you know, defeat the purpose of a bar?

            Like in the UK, I know they have off-licenses usually in the back or next to a pub, but that's for after hours drinking in the bar (pubs close at like ten). But no pub would sell liquor for off premises consumption and cut into their massive profits

          • SorosBot

            Considering that bars are just about the only places that can sell six packs (delis can as well), no it helps their profits; a lot of people come in just to buy a six pack.

          • SorosBot

            If it makes you guys feel any better, the 6-packs to go are usually ridiculously overpriced.

    • flamingpdog

      I'm a Beaver Liquors man myself.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Dayam, Hillz! That shit is 100 proof, and you're already cross-eyed!

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Ha ha, jokes on you, you sucker dems – the whole state'll be underwater by September.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Stop it you're getting my hopes up

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Does Florida have drive-up liquor windows, like Louisiana does? 'Cuz, hell, if I gotta get out the car…I might loose my buzz.

    • MissTaken

      I dated a guy who went to school in Wyoming and he said they had drive-up liquor windows, but as a driver you couldn't have an open container. So you ordered a shot and had to take it at the window before driving off. It's the only civilized thing I've ever heard about Wyoming.

    • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

      Yes, it does.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    She's Charlotte, the harlotte
    The girl I adore
    Charlotte, the harlotte
    The cow poker's whore

    Aye aye ayeyiiiiiiiii
    Your mother swims out to meet troop ships
    So sing me another verse
    That's worse than the other verse
    And lead me around by my willy.

    North Carolina State Song, I think.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I think every Institute of Higher Larnin' has some variation on that song. Ours went, "In China they do it for chilli, so sing me another that's worse than the other, and lead me around by the willy."

  • OneYieldRegular

    Insider tip (I did time in Charlotte): if the booze is running low, pretty much any house in an upscale neighborhood will be awash in it. Those people have secret stockpiles of booze unrivaled by Scandinavian diplomats assigned to the Middle East.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Someone get Ernest T. Bass on the line. Now!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Andy: "Hello. Sarah. Could you get me Ernest T. Bass on the line?"
      Andy: "Well, yes Sarah. I am fine. Opie. Yes he is fine too."
      Andy: "Yes, Aunt Bee is fine. Sarah. Could you just get me Ernest T. Bass?"
      Andy: "Barney is fine Sarah. Sarah, no, you can't talk to him."
      Andy: "Sarah, please, could you get Ernest T. Bass on the phone for me."
      Andy: "Yes, thank you, Sarah."

  • niblick77

    "…the best part is getting wasted and flopping around and pissing in the middle of the street while political activity is occurring in nearby arenas." – This reads just like Brietbart's last public appearance.

  • johnnymeatworth

    I don't use the word "hero" very often, but this Brawley is made of heroic stuff. Godspeed….

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    What's been wrong with those Tarheels all along: too much M-F binge drinking, no stretching it out over seven days the way healthy people do.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    The Progressives have finally found a pipeline they can support.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    No booze? Way to raise the bar on the republicans. All they managed to ban at their convention were water pistols.

  • ttommyunger

    Republicans know best how to hold their liquor…..by the ears.