House Republicans have at long last identified a segment of a woman’s existence when they feel she deserves federal protection against discrimination: the six or so weeks between when the sex of a fetus can be determined and when it reaches the fetal viability mark past which abortion is limited in most states. Sorry, lady readers, your window for equal rights has already closed! Enjoy your pay gap. The House will vote this week on the “Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act,” a productive use of everyone’s time that promises to slap up to five years of prison time on doctors caught performing sex-selective abortions in a quest to improve upon the scary levels of “zero statistical evidence” that U.S. parents in general prefer male over female fetuses. Bonus: the Republicans get to call Democrats girl-baby eating monsters!

From The Hill:

Despite the changes in committee, Democrats argue that the bill looks to erect new hurdles to women’s right to abortion. The legislation looks to ensure there are no gender-based abortions by authorizing fines and prison terms of up to five years against doctors who perform these abortions, and requires health professionals to report suspected violations of the law.

“This legislation violates a woman’s right to privacy as affirmed by the Supreme Court’s decision in Roe v. Wade,” Conyers said after the committee approved the legislation. “The bill would require doctors to police their patients, undermining patient-doctor privilege. It limits a woman’s right to choose and jeopardizes her access to safe, legal medical care.”

Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz.) said when he introduced the bill that his aim is to ensure equal rights for unborn children.

Well, it’s nice to see that the Republicans are finally growing comfortable with terms like “equal rights,” even if they are not yet comfortable applying them to actual existing humans.

Oh, and what’s this? Lila Rose, the self-righteous She-Ra to James O’Keefe’s inept He-Man, has made a nice little highly-edited EARTH-SHATTERING EXPOSE showing how one dim entry-level Planned Parenthood worker will say outrageous and stupid things when asked a single leading question about “how do I make sure I can get Medicaid to abort my female fetus” over and over:

It is an important piece of propaganda, if you are the sort of person who believes that every health care organization, business and government office with at least one inept and/or evil employee should be shut down immediately. That is a good way to fix things. Just like banning sex-selective abortions by law — just look at how well that has worked in India! [The Hill/Raw Story]

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  • Barb

    Corporations are people. I think I will go and encorporate my uterus.

  • Crank_Tango

    Remember when these fuckers said they were gonna create jerbs? Me neither.

    • nounverb911

      They did, just as long as you work for the new fetus sex enforcement bureau.

    • George Skullfry

      Oh, I remember when they said that. Right until the day after Election Day 2010.

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb
      • Awesome. Should be up in Times Square.

      • Callyson

        The DNC needs to get volunteers to hold signs with this website address up at GOP rallies.

        Hell, let's pay them to do so. Here are the jobs, buddy!

  • didgen

    Is there no end to the imaginary monsters we will be saved from? Why can't they actually do something useful?

  • edgydrifter

    As much as they seem to hate women, you'd figure Republicans would heartily endorse anything that would result in fewer of them being born.

    • How could they make their lives miserable *then*?

      • And who will poop out the baby men?

        • Didn't some guy make headlines by getting one implanted in his abdominal lining, and they said he could carry it to term, but it didn't work out? Or was that in the same issue as "Batboy"?

    • boobookitteh

      Those sammiches aren't going to make themselves.

  • mull_man

    Since when are politicians selective about sex? Anything warm with a pulse.

    Okay, strike the last bit. And maybe the first.

    • nounverb911

      Lindsey Graham?

    • memzilla

      Striking the last bit is $200 extra.

  • finallyhappy

    I don't believe in abortion- i think you carry the baby to term, give birth in the bathroom at prom and then toss the baby in the trash. That happened here(probably happens other places too) not long after I had my first child many years ago. Was I aghast at the baby tossing- well, maybe but mostly- how do you go to prom(no one knows you are pregnant?), you give birth in a toilet stall- no one heard???, and after you toss the baby out, you go back to the prom?? I could barely walk for a few days and continued to pour out bodily fluids from my hooha for some days as well. But I kept my child because he was a boy- when I gave birth 2 years later to my daughter, I debated throwing her out but the hospital wouldn't let me

    • Er … (squick) I've always wondered that myself. (faints)

      (Regains consciousness) At least when my dearest friend had her daughter, who is My Favourite Girl In The World, she couldn't walk for weeks, or sit, or anything *useful,* really. (faints again)

    • memzilla

      Keep the child, throw the hospital bill into the dumpster.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Donde esta PromNiteDumpsterBaby?

      • aka "prommie," these days. S/he's feeling all stabby-hatey-nonrespondy.

    • There is a whole series on the glowing teevee where women walk around completely oblivious to "their condition" for a whole nine months and then spontaneously deliver in the john. Don't ask me to explain it. Off the top of my head? We live in America.

  • This legislation only applies to white female fetuses, right?

    • WhatTheHeck

      In the womb, no one can hear you dream of a better day, if you are not.

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    So it seems like the setup was that the client claimed she wanted a boy and a girl, and already had a girl. You could have switched that over and had her say she already had a boy and wanted to terminate if the fetus was male, but that wouldn't be a war on little girls.

  • nounverb911

    So is okay to discriminate against republicans yet?

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    Also, too, Planned Parenthood predicted this bullshit in April after picking up on hoax visits.

    Earlier today, the Planned Parenthood blog “Reproductive Health Reality Check” posted an editorial stating that the organization has been subject to several suspicious visits at clinics across the country.

    The post states that the reproductive rights organization is anticipating a campaign based on these “hoax visits.” The group states for the record that Planned Parenthood is against the concept of sex selective abortion and that the organization does not offer sex determination services.

    • Fare la Volpe

      God bless the people who work there. The sheer amount of bullshit they have to withstand is staggering, not to mention the thousands of death threats and daily chance of violence looming over their heads.

      Say what you will about your shitty job: you don't have to go to work every day prepared for a gun in your face.

  • There is “404 statistical evidence” for the “zero statistical evidence” link.

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      All the links are knackered. Click the link open in a new tab and remove the part.

    • KBoydJohnson

      Sorry — will try to fix. Lots of things on site going a bit haywire right now.

      • memzilla

        Check the server closet for Rethuglican IT geeks, sabotagin' yer packets 'n links. And now is the time to institute a Wonkette loyalty oath as a condition of employment because, hey, hire at will, right?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Spring clean up always brings a few spring fuck ups. We understand.

      • Never apologize.

      • Chichikovovich

        A couple of times I came on, went to an article, and found that not only the original comments but all the replies were displayed. So evidently there is some way that this can happen. If it happened all the time, it would contribute immensely to the well-being of mankind. John Stuart Mill would approve.

        • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          That depends on the number of comments: over a certain number of comments, IntenseDebate stops auto-expanding.

          Be nice if it were an option, but I'm not sure that Our Wonkete gets any say in when it happens.

  • TribecaMike

    John Boehner is known to randomly shout, "Shut your bloomin' fur pie hole!" at, among other events, John Birch Ladies Auxiliary meetings. He's become so notorious for it, that even the DAR and the Klannette Khoral Khoir banned him a few years ago.

    • I don't believe he's ever been sober enough to say that.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The Republican's next civil rights legislation: No one can have an abortion until men can have abortion!

  • poorgradstudent

    As my friend succinctly and poetically put it the other day, "Republicans sure have a hard-on for dead fetuses."

    • Oh, ew! You ought to know better than to say something like that in *here.*

      Now everybody will be wanting to see pitchers, and stuff.

      • Which will result in new rules for commenting radicals.

        • And me barfing and fainting a lot. I'd rather see a five-car crash, frankly.

      • poorgradstudent

        Yeah, I forgot the crowd I'm dealing with for a second.

        Although really given how hot and bothered Republicans get about abortion the, well, "birth" of some kind of weird fetish related to abortion is inevitable.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But don't the republicans recall the dark horror that must strike when a person finds out that their baby may have a gender?

  • Fairtackle

    Oh yuck it up but just wait until that first blastocyst utters the word "No!". Then come the great blastocyst riots…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is some very important legestation!

    • memzilla

      … For Me To Poop On!

  • Trannysurprise

    Can I abort my baby if it's a Republican? Seems that would solve a lot of things.

    • Sure, just check the ultrasound for evidence of a tiny brain.

  • MissTaken

    I just got back from the Abortionplex and during the exit survey 50% of all the aborted fetuses were female. This is a national tragedy! Thank you GOP for finally addressing this!

    • SorosBot

      Not only that, but 100% of abortions were performed on women; this shows that pro-choice Democrats are the real misogynists!

      • sewollef

        And… and… 0%. Zero, abortions were performed on men. Is this some kind of reverse chauvinism, or anti-male 'states rights' thingie?

        I thought we [us male folk], were the top dog, the alpha of the species, the bees knees. What gives?

    • No need to do a survey, just go through the dumpster.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Next on the Repub agenda: equal rights for ovum and sperm (you know it's coming).

    • TribecaMike

      Hasn't that already been proposed and/or passed in several states already? Well, maybe not so much the ova. That's girlie stuff.

    • Estproph

      Voting rights too. And since they can't express them, it will automatically be assumed that they vote Republican.

  • SorosBot

    Since there are so many cases where an otherwise legal procedure is illegal if done with a particular motivation, this is totally legitimate proposed legislation and not at all just another assault on women's Constitutional right their own bodies masquerading as something it quite clearly is not, twisted so that the woman-haters can claim that those of us who believe women are actual people are somehow anti-woman.

    Here's the thing, dipshits; it doesn't matter why a woman wants an abortion, if it's because she wants a kid of one gender that is nobody's fucking business but hers. It's a basic Constitutional right.

    • MissTaken

      I might drive my car to the Abortionplex to abort a little girl babby, therefore women should not be allowed to drive cars.

      • SorosBot

        Plus, you know, women drivers, whoo-ee – amiright, fellows? Hello, is this thing on?

        • Fare la Volpe

          Take my wife's rights — please!

          • And her lefts! Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

  • CapnRadio

    The legislation looks to ensure there are no gender-based abortions

    I assume this means that men will be able to start having abortions now? Finally! It's been hard, sitting on the sidelines, watching the women have all the fun.

    • That *does* sound like te correct translation, don't it?

  • chascates

    Hey there's “zero statistical evidence” of massive voter fraud or creeping sharia law either. The mob wants what it wants.

    • Buckminster

      I can't believe the nonsense I am hearing from the 7 Republican Dwarves running for Gov of MT. Somebody slap them all.Good Lord, we've got philanderers, bigamists and the whole lot. Check it out.

  • MissTaken

    This is bad news. Everyone knows male aborted feti taste gamey. Only tender female feti should be used to make a proper fetus fusilli.

    • memzilla

      So… Goya® brand fava beans, I suppose, but which brand of a nice Chianti?

    • Fare la Volpe

      But the male fetuses make the best FLT sandwiches.

      • You need a robust flavour to bring out the tang of the tomato.

    • C_R_Eature

      This is why I prefer Fetusajitas. Add grilled Poblano, white onions, salsa verde or caliente, and cilantro and you can get away with any medium grade fetus. Really, prime Grade A Caucasian female should be saved for a fine culinary presentation dish.
      With a nice Chianti.

  • This is in addition to Republicans constantly screeching about the racist Dems' abortion war on black babies. The GOP: standing up for all of America's ethnicities and genders! And woe be unto you if you are a black woman who wants to abort a female fetus. It will be prison camp for you.

  • mavenmaven

    So now you know that they are moving against the "most brutal act of violence against women". So they can ignore all the "little acts" like real violence against living women, workplace discrimination, etc, because they are working on the "big one".

    • Buckminster

      Because poors raising children on their own as single parents are not really an issue in the country. Right. Because sick middle-aged, unemployeds can't get health insurance because they have pre-existing condidtions? Right. Because children are undernourished because we can't pay for school lunch and education. Gotcha.

  • cheetojeebus

    Boy, girl, it really doesn't matter, as long as they're prepared properly.

  • The only solution to this and every other problem we face is to clone and reanimate the founders themselves.

    I'd like to hear Franklin on In Vitro Fertilization, Jefferson on the Keystone Pipeline, Washington on Afghanistan.

  • JustPixelz

    If you're against abortion, don't have one.

    If you think human life is sacred, repeal the death penalty.

    If you want to save lives, millions of children die of hunger and disease around the world. Start there.

    • Hunger, disease, war, trafficking, exploitation, abuse. These lying sacks of shit have never done a thing to alleviate the suffering of children anywhere in the world. If anything, these odious burpholes have done everything in their power to ensure that children, the most powerless of the powerless, are the *least* protected from harm.

      And they dare to flap their repellent gums.

    • sewollef

      Best post of the thread… right on the mark.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I wish I had time to be this stupid. I swear to y'all, I do very little. I mean, I do as little as I can possibly get away with, and STILL I do not have time for this kind of stupid. Do these people get paid by the number of times they say the word abortion, so they have to keep coming up with fake abortion laws? I don't understand. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

    • elfgoldsackring

      I am so with you. Don't bother trying to understand it, that eats into valuable doing-nothing time.

    • Chichikovovich

      No snark answer: In this case they just want to keep talking about passing legislation that will allow them to say, read into the congressional record, put into the text of the law, etc, that they are protecting the rights of "the unborn child".

      Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz.) said when he introduced the bill that his aim is to ensure equal rights for unborn children.

      The more they do this, the more their favored dogma that fetuses are people with rights, will have traces in the collective body of law.

    • Buckminster

      There is no think. There is only Vote.

  • All you had to do was put "Trent Franks" at the top of the post and I'd have known to laugh and move on to read the next one.

  • Now, now. You *know* it doesn't do any good to *think* about their bullshit.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Jesus fucking Christ.

    Just put the women in blinders and call them Handmaids already!

  • elfgoldsackring

    Maybe it's just a marketing issue. What if I set up a ladies' day spa offering Spring-Fresh Deep Vaccuum Cleansing?

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      "Free margaritas following the cleanse – because you're worth it!"

  • TribecaMike

    And this is where the Cheney 1% Doctrine kicks in and all constitutional rights are kicked out. Doesn't have to have any basis in fact, it just has to be imaginable.

  • owhatever

    Just remember to get five different forms of the birth certificate from various official governmental organizations and approved by Donald Trump just in case the boy child becomes President. Abortion rules will be loosened where female fetoids are detected.

  • ttommyunger

    What can you expect from a hare-lip named after a sausage made of pig lips and assholes and Trent Fucking Lott?

    • I have no idea what that means, but it sure sounds disgusting.

      • ttommyunger

        Trent Frank is the dickwad's name, and yes he is.

        • Oh, now I get ya. I'm a little slow,

          • ttommyunger

            the later in the day, the more obtuse I get…somethin about being an old.

    • C_R_Eature

      That's the worst advertizing spot for Trent All-Beef Franks that I've ever heard.

      • ttommyunger

        Was it the Hare-Lip that put you off?

        • C_R_Eature

          Yeah. I'm OK with Pig-Lips and Assholes but I've never enjoyed Hare-Lip, no matter how it's prepared. It's always too chewy.

          • ttommyunger

            I usually trim off the taint….makes it more tender.

          • C_R_Eature

            Ah, I knew there was a trick to this. Thanks!
            *scribbles marginal notes in huge volume of To Serve Man*

          • ttommyunger

            Hee, hee!

  • Will. Not. Watch.

  • Veritas78

    OT but I just hit 100 penises! So allow me to thank all those little people out there (and you know who I am!) who helped me along the way, and Becca, and Prodigal Jimmie, and Riley who so bravely did (or didn't) Breitbart, and Ginger Jackie, who can Stuef me anytime, and Ken, for whatever it was that he ever did, and my parents, who would be so proud if they weren't both dead! And now it's on to Chicago, and let's wi

    • Hey, congratulations! What happened to the end of your sentence?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Orchestra played him off.

    • elfgoldsackring

      I can but kneel before you and hungrily gaze up at your mighty hoard, dreaming of the day I am likewise engorged. Shower me with a golden rain of p's, oh mighty Wonkette deity!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Congratulations, but have a care. Once you reach 100P, like xp in D&D, your progress will slow to a crawl. What's worse is that others will seemingly pull away from you at lightning speed. You'll find yourself reloading each page just hoping there's a comment that you can piggy back onto and make that awesome, snark filled missive that will gain you buckets of sweet upfists. Every five minutes you'll reload the site in hopes that a new subject, one that you have some small bit of expertise, will pop up so that you can make a trenchant comment that can do nothing but lift you higher. You'll need a second screen for your computer so you can more quickly search Google for a link supporting your point, or to YouTube so you can find a funny video that you hope against hope will make someone laugh.

      Soon, time will mean nothing. Your work will falter as you find the comments here to be much more amusing than anything you can see in your cubicle. Your boss will wonder why you seem to laugh at inappropriate times, or how is it that you are typing at a furious rate, yet producing very little. People will look at you strangely when, during staff meetings, you say things like, "you know who else predicted a strong quarter", or when someone asks you what kind of doughnut you would like, you reply, "all of them, Katie".

      So, be careful or you may find your life changed in ways you didn't expect.

      Or, so I've been told.

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        Your work will falter as you find the comments here to be much more amusing than anything you can see in your cubicle. Your boss will wonder why you seem to laugh at inappropriate times, or how is it that you are typing at a furious rate, yet producing very little.

        This is remarkably accurate, sad to say.

        edit: and congrats, Veritas!

      • George Skullfry

        Pro-tip: don't nuke your account in a fit of alcohol-fueled irritation.

        So I've been told.

    • Congrats! It's a wonderful feeling.

    • CapnRadio

      Hrm. I'm reading 99 p-ness on you yet.

      Veritas, indeed.

      Still, 99 p-ness is nothing to blow off.

    • proudgrampa

      As I found out when I got my 100 pees, as long as you have 5 dollars or so, you can get a Venti cappucino at Starbucks.

  • OT BREAKING NEWS: In advance of a Trump fundraiser event, the Romney campaign has published his "birth certificate". Predictably, it's not a long-form.

    Personally, I think a fun way to spend the evening might be to pick apart all the ways this proves that Mitt Romney is ineligible for the presidency, and also actually not American anyway.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You know his dad was Mexican…

      • Right, and that's why he's not "natural-born", even IF he were to show us his (non-fake) Long-Form Birth Certificate, instead of this phony "Certificate of Live Birth" thingy that you can pick up as a souvenir from a Detroit gift shop for $5.

    • Chichikovovich

      An obvious photo-shop job. And not even a very good one. What are they hiding?

      Edit: And they took five whole days after the recorded date of birth to file it. What took so long?

      • I mean, it doesn't even list the doctor's name, or the hosptal he was born at, or have the baby's footprints, or the races of the parents, and it says that "Mitt" is his middle name, which is preposterous.

        Honestly, without having the REAL, LONG-FORM birth certificate instead of this fakey fake "Certificate of Live Birth" thing, I'm not sure we can even presume that Mitt Romney was born at all, rather than manufactured in a secret re-purposed car factory in Detroit, and programmed to destroy America.

        • Chichikovovich

          My theory is that the five day delay was in order to ferry him over the Detroit river from Windsor. Who was the doctor, Mitt? Where's the Signature!! And the Nurses too!!

          • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            My research indicates that no-one remembers his mother at the hospital. That's suspicious for a start.

            I'm sure Jerome Corsi PhD is warming up his pirated copy of Word to start writing his next opus.

    • George Skullfry

      So, Rmoney's spokesweasel says that Rmoney believes that President Obama is a natural born citizen, and implies that Rmoney doesn't agree with the birthers but simply respects their right to hold an opinion.

      And then this rather theatrical bit of fluff happens just in time for a Don the Birther fundraiser.

      The word is "disingenuous", right?

  • fuflans

    i have a she-ra doll with a some sort of large plastic pink shell thingee that she rides in.

    it's not only mitt romney who has valuable objects you see.

    • elfgoldsackring

      Is it a womb?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "So… Goya® brand fava beans, I suppose, but which brand of a nice Chianti"

    "But the male fetuses make the best FLT sandwiches."

    "You need a robust flavour to bring out the tang of the tomato."

    We are sick sick sick…but please do keep it up.

  • C_R_Eature

    I don't know what all the fuss is about baby-eating. If it's good enough for
    Famous Brits it's good enough for Americans!

    • Ew, squick, baby fluids.

      • C_R_Eature

        Made you look! Ah hahahahaha!!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Christ. Those boys were smokin' some mad shit.

      • C_R_Eature

        The first thing I thought when I finally saw that [REDACTED] album cover art was "What were they thinking?" After I stopped laughing, of course.

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