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 Good ol' fap dogThere is nothing more titillating than the possibility of spending a week with wingnut delegates and Mitt Romney in plastic neon boretown Tampa, Florida, the city where oppressive humidity was invented, in August. It’s everything overweight fair-skinned reporters have always dreamed of! And the Tampa Bay Host Committee has released a teaser trailer to help you boner up for all the exciting events they’ve got planned for Republican National Convention week: explosions, explosions, and more explosions! Maybe a lil’ politics on the side too? Tampa’s the place to be, in August.

Will the Republican National Convention be better than The Dark Knight Rises?

Just set a cap on hooker prices, please.

[via VF Daily]

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  • nounverb911

    Hurricane Marcus?

    • Hm, with El Nino in town, he might be all blowed out.

  • Barb

    Sarah Palin will be there on her big bus that her PAC members purchased for her. Milk it while you can, Sarah!

    • boobookitteh

      I hope her PAC is investing in Aqua Net. That humidity is awful hard on hair.

      • nounverb911

        She can borrow a helmet from Callista.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        I would say Aqua Buddha, since this will be better on drugs. Sorry Nancy, just say "gurggle gurrgle gurrgle. Spit." Oh, that's Ronnie's blow job.

      • widestanceromance

        If she could afford human hair, she wouldn't need to play gigs like this.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      On the farm, we could usually pick the cow that would end up the dreaded dry udder. So, most times, we'd try to foster her calf onto another more productive mother.

      Sadly, Sarah can't see the case of dry udder up ahead.

    • gullywompr

      Great, a mental image of Sarah Palin lactating. Thanks folks.

    • mrpuma2u

      She can see Cuba from the top of the convention center!

    • mavenmaven

      Will Bristol be part of the entertainment?

    • SorosBot

      Nah, she'll start going there on the bus but stop the trip when halfway there.

  • hagajim

    Hot and bothered GOP will really make Tampa a steaming pile.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      too late

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Brain-frying heat, brain-dead teabaggers, non-stop GOP demagoguery . . . and concealed weapons. What could possibly go wrong?

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        I have a feeling that fark.com's "Florida" tag will be used a LOT–I mean, more than usual, that is.

  • SorosBot

    Florida is filled with old white people; if it wasn't for the fact that so many of them are Jewish the Republican delegates would fit right in.

  • Needs moar hookers and blow.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      In Tampa? There will be more than a plentiful supply…plus, an extra serving of hypocrisy.

      • No no! It's the *Republicans*! You can never have enough hookers or blow!

        • HogeyeGrex

          Or hypocrisy.

  • memzilla

    Any commercial that has a Voice Of The Apocalypse voiceover and a drumline is selling something that people don't want, like chlamydia crackers or Sarah Palin University.

  • nounverb911

    "Just set a cap on hooker prices, please."
    The invisible hand putting on the invisible condom?

  • Chichikovovich

    Will the Republican National Convention be better than The Dark Knight Rises?

    Well, since Rick Scott won't let the mayor of Tampa ban the carrying of weapons in and around the convention, it might be very entertaining indeed.

    [Just kidding, of course. Since as we all know, a well-armed convention is a polite convention.]

  • Baconzgood

    NEEDZ MOAR CONCEAL CARRY PERMITS!!!!!!!!!!

  • MissTaken

    I can already smell the steamy smegma.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Cutting off own nose now

      • boobookitteh

        I'm actually performing a DIY lobotomy to get that thought out of my head.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          I usually put bleach and a mild acid in a neti pot. Works almost as well without all of the blood.

    • Sales of antifungals will skyrocket!

    • SorosBot

      Ew; there goes my appetite.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Smell that? You smell that?
      What?
      Smegma, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that.
      I love the smell of smegma in the morning. You know, one time at CPAC we locked a bunch of Ron Paul supporters in a room for 12 hours and turned off the HVAC. When it was all over, I walked in.We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' Libertarian.The smell, you know that dickcheese smell, the whole convention center. Smelled like
      [sniffing, pondering]
      freedom. Someday this convention's gonna end…

  • And it's in the middle of Hurricane season. Good job, GOPers.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Shoulda listened to Buffet, "you can't reason with hurricane season"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Dear God: If you have a "storm of the century" in your pocket, can we please please please have it this August?

  • boobookitteh

    I didn't think it was possible to make Florida in August more unpleasant, but a fuckton of Republicans sure will do the trick.

    • OldWhiteLies

      A gaggle of geese
      A murder of crows
      A school of fish
      A cast of crabs
      A shamble of zombies
      A fuckton of republicans

      Y'all know where this is going …

      • boobookitteh

        A bevy of boytoys?

        A rash of rentboys?

      • UW8316154

        What is a group of rentboys called?

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          Partytime!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Will Tampa be handing out complimentary Kevlar vests for the media?

  • Serolf_Divad

    Uh, boy… looks like the Tampa , FL Chippendale dancers are about to get a real workout!

  • cheetojeebus

    re voice over, I guess the Monster Truck Rally guy was busy?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohp_nmI_TFA

  • That gun thing should be fun.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Republicans in Tampa in August. Has anyone ever proposed anything more sordid?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Load up on guns and bring your friends
    It's fun to lose and to pretend
    The hookers are here, and rent boys too
    Just ignore the Mormon crew

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Florida heat in August. Why does the RNC hate the RNC?

    • noodlesalad

      Didja see the primaries?

      • See, this is why I think they chose it. MittBot's self-contained thermal mediation module will make him seem cool and collected while the entire convention spontaneously combusts.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Why should the RNC be different from anybody else?

      Anyway, Satan prefers those conditions.

      • nounverb911

        Is Satan sending Breitbart to cover the convention?

        • widestanceromance

          Satan would LOVE for Breitbart to have something else to do, just so Satan could pry that sweaty gurgling wretch off his dick for a while.

    • crybabyboehner

      20 years ago they had it in Houston. It was a horrid, hateful event.

      • EatsBabyDingos

        I can imagine. Having lived in College Station as a kid in the 1960's, we used to be appreciative when the wind blew from the west and only smelled like rancid cow poop. This as opposed to when the wind blew from Houston and it smelled like diesel armpit.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    WHY ARE ALL THE HEADLINES IN ALL CAPS AND WHEN DID THIS CHANGE?

    • boobookitteh

      ARE YOU NOT TOTALLY PUMPED??

      • Dashboard Buddha

        We're here to [CLAP] pump you up!

        • Hear me now und believe me ladah!

    • Baconzgood

      BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET US TO PAY ATTENTION AFTER A THREE DAY WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • gullywompr

    Where's the map on which parts of Tampa to stay out of, or do they have no browns there?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      All of them, Katie.

  • noodlesalad

    Ooh, baby, that's some serious girth!
    Ooh, hell is a place on earth
    Teapartiers say Kenya was the land of O's birth
    Tampa in August will be hell on earth.

    (w regrets to Belinda Carlisle and Hades)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What's with all the bongo music in the background? Is Obama going to be the keynote speaker?

    • Jimmy Buffet will be performing at half time.

    • I should have known better than to have a cool glass of carbonated beverage near me…

    • HogeyeGrex

      It's the only piece of music left that the writers haven't sued to have them stop using.

    • More empty pandering to the illegals.

  • WhatTheHeck

    “A Week With Wingnuts” will be my Independent film project which will be selected at next year’s Cannes Film Festival.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      A horror?

    • Wile E. Quixote

      A Week With Wingnuts, sounds like The KIlling Fields, but without the yuks.

  • majicunderwear

    Paultards gonna burn this Mutha to the ground.

  • Unfairman

    I can't believe they wasted this opportunity to scream "SUNDAY!! SUNDAY!! SUNDAY!!!!!"

    • AT BEAUTIFUL US 30 DRAG STRIP !!!!

      Madman Mittens lays down serious rubber to celebrate his recent trouncing of such formidable superstars like, ah, eh, er, ummm…….never mind

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Just set a cap on hooker prices, please"

    You mean your Wonkette per diem isn't open-ended?

  • Callyson

    Um, is it wrong that I think the ending–"Be there!" with the exploding fireworks–implies that the convention will be da bomb?

    In a totally non – violent, non – death wishing way of course…

    • HogeyeGrex

      One can hope, I suppose, that they are as competent and capable in handling explosives as they are in handling the economy.

      • Okay Wonketeers in the tri-state area, I wanna see your evac plans by Friday. I can't lose even one of you to Repumpetence (incomplican?) Can't you see I also need you to come up with better portmanteaus than I'm capable of?

  • Beowoof

    August in Tampa, why who could think of a better way to make it worse. Why have a couple of thousand crazy old white fucks show up and start demanding glory holes in all the Mens rooms in town.

  • Not even Micheal Steele could make this party work.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Pumped in Tampa usually applies to septic tanks and stomachs.

  • Baconzgood

    So much Santorum in Tampa…

  • widestanceromance

    Oooh, I see they have dropped 'your grandmother's comma' for a dot/period* in the date–this is all the proof I need that this is gonna be awesome!!1!

    *seriously, using periods instead of hyphens to look cool shows full frontal stupidity run amok.

    • George Skullfry

      It's worse — it looks European.

  • mrpuma2u

    Will all the convention center men's rooms be "wide stance accomodating" or will those be specifically designated?

    • widestanceromance

      I'm guessing everyone will be too scared to use convention center facilities, but oh, won't the nearest truck stop crappers be humming. . .

  • mavenmaven

    In that heat, all those furries are going to be unhappy.

  • dijetlo

    Perhaps the UN can be convinced to implement some kind of emergency "Stranger Danger!!" education program for 8 year old boys in the Tampa area.
    Failing that, we should probably chip in and build them some type of "de-funking" facility in preparation for the convention, otherwise the entire elementary school population could end up looking like glazed donuts.

  • MissTaken

    Have the Craigslist M4M posts already begun? Nothing worse than getting to the party too late and having to settle for the scraps (ie, GOP women).

    • In fairness, they have bigger cocks.

      • DahBoner

        Ann Coulter???

  • BlueStateLibel

    Mitt's hair is going to melt – that PCV plastic wasn't meant to withstand 95 degrees and 1,000 percent humidity, you know.

  • Ginger Jim, can we email you some Popsicles™ to cool down? If so what flavor(s)?

    We could also freeze some holy water and email some Popesicles® that you could trade for some cool Opus Dei swag.

    • Good luck edging out the bishops selling Hildos® (holy water dildos). Guilt free sodomy is Republican Kryptonite.

  • Dildeaux

    Paylin refudiates humidity!

  • qwerty42

    Go to a bar on the other side of Tampa Bay, get some beer and boiled/fried shrimp and watch the whole thing on the teevee.

  • ElPinche

    My financial advisor/probation officer suggests a staycation. I think I will follow through.

  • LettucePrey

    Oh, to own a Sizzler Restaurant in Tampa, Florida…

  • barto

    Everyone gets a $3000 hooker voucher. This is how the free market works, morans!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Use the buddy system and don't forget to pack your rape whistle!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Words have not been invented to describe how bad this convention will smell.

    • I think one of those words, when invented, should sound similar to "odious".

  • poorgradstudent

    I'm game but I'll stick to the Log Cabin rent boy buffet plz.

  • occams8ball

    locked, loaded, lubed, and libidinous.

  • I read the headline 20 minutes ago. I've only just stopped screaming.

  • Eve8Apples

    With any luck, tropical hurricane "M" for Mittens or "R" for Romney or Republican will be churning off the coast of Florida, gathering enough strength to wipe out the state. Then, Mittens will give his acceptance speech promising to cut federal funding for unnecessary programs like global climate change research, disaster preparedness and aid to the poor, children, the sick and elderly who tend to be the least prepared when a natural disaster strikes their state. I want him to tell people facing death by hurricane how he wants to give tax breaks for the yacht owners and screw the weak.

  • DahBoner

    Didn't both Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford try to put caps on hooker prices?

    That's why Republicans hate Jimmy Carter!!!

    Carter raised interest rates up to 18%, making it almost IMPOSSIBLE to get a loan for hookers, blow and tickets to the RNC convention…

  • Tampa Bay smells bad enough most days in August. You can't pay me enough to move back.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheistâ„¢

    Just set a cap on hooker prices, please.

    Republicans do not price-fix, goddamn you.

    • DahBoner

      True.

      When tipping, they give between 0% and 2%…

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Do you want to know what the Republican National Convention in Tampa is going to be like this summer? OK, have you ever seen Bob Guccione's Caligula, the full-tilt boogie unrated, uncut version with the fisting and lesbian pissing scene. You have? Good. OK, I want you to imagine that you're an extra in Caligula, except instead of being set in Rome it's set in Florida, and instead of it starring Malcolm McDowell, Peter O'Toole, John Gielgud and Helen Mirren it stars Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Michelle Bachmann and instead of a script by Gore Vidal you have a script written by Ed Wood in the depths of an ether binge, and instead of being directed by Franco Rossellini it's being directed by Uwe Boll, oh and it's hot, humid, infested with gigantic, flying cockroaches and angry white people with guns. Soundtrack by Ted Nugent and Kid Rock.

  • oldswede

    I spent nearly a week in St. Pete Beach one August while my wife attended a professional conference. St. Petersburg and Tampa is the same place, mainly. Gawd it was awful hot and humid. Even the pelicans were too miserable to fly. They just hunched over near the waterline and looked glum.
    For added excitement, nearby Clearwater is the corporate headquarters of the Church of Scientology. Count on those guys to be trying to pick off a few unwary GOPpers to convert.
    oldswede

  • Diabeetis

    Surprisingly enough, Tampa is a Democratic town. But then that doesn't really mean much, either.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Thank goodness that Erick, Son of Erick exposed the horrible, evil liberal tactic of SWATting. Now the Tampa P.D. will know that any 911 calls reporting gunfire at or around the convention center while the Republicans are in town are all liberal and fake and stuff and they won't waste valuable police time responding to them.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Trapped in I Bore City.

  • Will the Republican National Convention be better than The Dark Knight Rises?
    Not. Even. Close. Every time I'm at the Muvees and see that trailer, well, in the words of Joe Biden, it sends a tingle up my leg, er I get a hot flash, er, raging hardon? I don't know, but even the wife gets excited. If there's even a 10 minute sequence that's as intense as the trailer, I'll totes shit myself.

  • Gay.

  • Troglodeity

    The answer: In a dark, steamy hole filled with Tampons.

    The question: Where will they hold the Republican National Convention this year?

  • ttommyunger

    Shit! I have grand-children in Tampa. Got to get them to safety that weekend.

  • biblioteq_tress

    REAL QUESTION: What sort of counter demonstrations/protests are occurring?

  • biblioteq_tress

    "Show me your tits! No, god, not you! Put your shirt down, Newt."

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