Arizona GOP congressional candidate Jesse Kelly has passed the official Republican officeholder’s personality test by demonstrating that the thing he most loves to talk about hating in public is also the very same thing he most loves to cuddle up with in private: stimulus dollars. (You probably thought for a minute there that we were going to say “penises in the mouth” or perhaps “Mexicans,” which would have also been informed guesses.) The family-run construction company owned by Kelly’s father and where Kelly also works has vacuumed up $60.8 million in stimulus and other government contracts since 2010, when Kelly lost his first bid for Gabrielle Giffords’ seat after running on a platform of opposing the federal stimulus program. This is also part of his current platform now that he is running again. But his campaign has a good defense! And it goes like this: “Well somebody had to take the money.” Principles to live by!

Why does the Kelly family construction company love socialism so much, Kelly campaign spokesbot?

“That would have been completely and totally absurd because it had no effect on whether the project would go forward or not,” [Kelly campaign spokesman John] Ellinwood said. “These projects were going to be done. Someone was going to get (the contract). … Somebody will be getting paid.”

Can’t let those dollar bills falling off the money tree hit the ground and rot!

And because Arizona does not ever half-ass its crazy, the Don Kelly Construction company relies on government-funded contracts for 90 percent of its work. This means the odds are good that Jesse Kelly’s salary is paid by the government, which means that like all wingnuts, his one overarching political instinct is to campaign constantly against his own self-interest:

Kelly told voters during his first campaign that his inspiration to run came out of opposition to the 2009 American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

“I decided to run right after President Obama signed the stimulus that would indebt my 20-month-old son for the rest of his life,” Kelly told the conservative magazine National Review in 2010. He said the stimulus and federal earmarks were “bribery with taxpayer money.”

“I decided to run right after President Obama signed the stimulus that would indebt my 20-month-old son for the rest of his life help my 20-month-old son pay for college one day.” There, fixed.

[Arizona Republic; thanks to Wonkette operative “Sal Q.”]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • So he basically ripped the taxpayers off, because the money was there to do the project and he snapped up the freer money instead????

    • Callyson

      And if (heaven forbid) he is elected to Congress, he'll defend himself by saying "If I didn't accept that bribe, I mean campaign contribution, from that sketchy donor someone else would have."

  • CrunchyKnee

    Such a rebel.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    He saw this as the only way to get his 20-month-old son out of debt.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Sorry, Wonkette, but this does not really live up to the lofty standards of AZ GOP crazy. Just ole-fashioned hypocrisy.

  • There's lotsa holes out in the desert…

    • nounverb911

      Sorry about that.

      • Hey, no apology necessary to me. Often I've thought about "headless bodies in the desert," but of course, none of us would ever wish ill on any of our opponents. We'd want the heads to miraculously reattach themselves.

        • gullywompr

          Yes, quite. We wish Mr Kelly nothing but good wishes in the upcoming election. Cheers!

          • And that he be soundly trounced, electorally. But only electorally, because hale and good cheer! We're liberals!

          • gullywompr

            Indeed – save for the circumstances of his life, upbringing, political ideology, and financial situation, our worthy opponent might have been our best friend. We should consider his successes as our own. To honor, sirs!

          • Why, he's practically us, except he hates our guts and would likely not be as charitable in victory as we would be.

      • Baconzgood

        Ohhhhh, You were naughty! You're going to get a spankin' by Kristen. Lucky Duck.

  • Barb

    I am so glad that I don't live in Arizona. Could you imagine what kind of nightmare the political ads on TV must be like? Apocalypse! Death Panels! Stock up on duct tape and canned good! Anal probes, sans lubrication!

    • Baconzgood

      I saw this one on YouTube.

    • To which my response would be, "Don't threaten ME with a good time!"

    • YasserArraFeck

      Anal probes, sans lubrication, in a state that's, like, 110% desert!!! The Humanity!!, The Chafing!!!

      • Don't you mean "The Hemorrhoids! The Chafing!!!"?

    • Actually, their polling data has finally got the AZ Republican Committee to understand that 99.9% of the people who live here are oldz, so their ads this term speak of their respect for their elders and how they will — get this — protect Social Security. Jesse Kelly's ads actually feature his grandfather. He pats the old man and says, "Don't worry, Grandpa, I won't let anyone take your Social Security." (I'm not making this up.) Then the voiceover intones that his evil "Democrat" opponent, Ron Barber, "helped to pass Obamacare" so HE'S the one who is going to take away Grandpa Kelly's Social Security (kinda hard since Barber's never held public office).

      In fact, Barber is a really sucky candidate. He looks just like the man masquerading as the Wizard of Oz and he talks like a tired old crank who needs the Social Security being sucked up by Grandpa Kelly. BUT, he was shot along with Gabrielle Giffords (he ran her Tucson office), so out of loyalty she backed him. When she made her choice known, the two young, energetic Dems with some name recognition, who were considering a run, stepped aside out of deference to her. But Barber has been hamstrung by the fact that she has not made a single ad for him, or even made public endorsements that could be used in print ads. In fact, if you didn't live here when the shooting took place, you'd never know he had any connection to her whatsoever.

      Barber's running about a third of the number of ads Kelly is, and Kelly's people steal all the signs his staff puts out. The Arizona Daily Star endorsed Barber, but they're damned as "liberal media elites," so that doesn't help much either. It's distinctly possible Kelly may win. If he doesn't it will only be because of an ad the Dems finally got on the air that shows video clips of things Kelly said the last time he ran against Gabby. That ad is damning … if anyone sees it.

  • Ruhe

    “Well somebody had to take the money.”

    "Well somebody had to employ the Messicans."

    "Well somebody had to suck the penises."

    Wow, that would probably work for anything.

    • noodlesalad

      Those nuclear warheads weren't detonating themselves!

      • That smallpox was just going to die in that test tube.

        • Baconzgood

          2 words: compassionate conservative.

          • Beowoof

            I always have one reply for that particular term – bullshit

    • Fare la Volpe

      Well somebody had to suck the penises

      In Louisiana that's called sucking the head.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I've often told my girlfriend that if she isn't in the bed, someone has to suck the other guys cock.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Well, somebody had to bomb the hell out of Iraq!

    • SOMEbody was gonna rob those old people blind.

  • nounverb911

    Someone should go to a Kelly Construction work site, yell "Green Card!" and see what happens.

    • If you want to stop work cold, yell "Policia!"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Es La Migra!!"

      • Yeah, "La Migra" is a LOT more effective than "Policia," especially in states that have sanctuary cities.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Who do Voodoo? Voodoo Glow Skulls do!

          Count it off: "Uno, dos, tres — La Migra!"

  • noodlesalad

    So he admits that he "indebted" his own son? Give a man enough rope…

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Next time this stimulus thingy happens, can we start the Wonkette Construction and Erection Company?

    • nounverb911

      Hire me! In real life I'm an architect.

    • Wonkette Construction and Erection Company

      There may be an overabundance of one department.

  • gullywompr

    Give it back then, guy with two girl's names.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    On the playground as a child, Jesse would reply to the other kids' taunts by saying "I know I am, but what am I?"

  • Nostrildamus

    This story makes me pine for PHP error messages.

  • edgydrifter

    It isn't wasteful socialism when I get the money.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    He makes Michele Bachmann and Joe Miller's Ag subsidies look like chump change.

  • dijetlo

    One must respect the conservative capacity for cognitive dissonance. Much like the capacity of dogs to retain vast, fetid quantities of abdominal gas only to release it in a pungently explosive momentary fit of self non-awareness
    In that way, conservatives are just like that, also, but with the stoopid.

    • You know, I would not have described it that way. Which is probly why YOU get the big bucks, innit?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Stimulus bad for you, good for me.

  • Baconzgood

    "We don't like people butt fucking" gets caught with rent boys

    "We don't like social medicine" Free health care for life after only 4 years of work

    "We don't like gubment spending" Give the US army 100 Million they don't want

    "We love freedomz" Voter supression, telling womenz what to do with their girly parts, and teach people that don't believe in God about God in public schoolz.

    Yep that's the GOP.

    • Man, that summed it up nicely! (Rubs the Baconz pork belly again)

  • MissTaken

    “These projects were going to be done. Someone was going to get (the contract). … Somebody will be getting paid.”

    Why would someone quote Sarah Palin during their campaign?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "He said the stimulus and federal earmarks were “bribery with taxpayer money.”

    So maybe you should be arrested and shot for taking a bribe. Dumbfuck. Most bribes are paid with taxpayer money.

  • Grief_Lessons

    I'm waiting for one of them to campaign against oxygen, breathing all the while.

    • flamingpdog

      Michele Bachman campaigned for carbon dioxide ("It's naaaatural."). I wish she'd breathe in and hold more of it.

    • It'll happen. Oh, yes. Don't you worry.

  • metamarcisf

    Hi folks, this is Jesse Kelly and I'd like to take a few minutes to tell you about the miracle of reverse mortgages…

  • Jus_Wonderin

    And I can't get a rural/city water line extended 3/10ths of a mile? And this shit gets bazillions? Whose pipe do I have to schlob to get some pipe stimulus?

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      Since he got the contract, his, apparently.

  • cheetojeebus


  • OkieDokieDog

    "Somebody will be getting paid.” — That's the same reason to buy a lottery ticket.

    • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

      And that's how I play the lottery. I buy


      lottery ticket.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Wonkette really hates Tennessee and Arizona. As an unofficial Tennessee spokesperson, I want to say "Thank you, Arizona, for supplying the asshole story of the day."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Day's not over yet.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Okay, had to go look……

        Judge’s Ruling Halts Construction Of Controversial Nashville Mosque

        • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

          Oh, well… as an atheist, fuck 'em. The "halt" should be done on every new house of worship that seats more than ten.

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Shhhhhhhhh. I'm thinking we could use the 'wrong font/ink/spacing' kinda gambit stuff to to do that.

          • I like the way you think.

          • extreme_left

            ..and all those should have peddle powered dildos built into the base of each chair.

    • Blueb4sunrise
    • Fare la Volpe

      Hon, we're Tennessee. The assholes breed here like kudzu.

    • That's not fair. Wonkette hates Teh Stoopid. It's not teh fault of Teh Wonketz that Tennessee and Arizona (and, dear god, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, and Georgia) choose to bring it in bucketloads, is it?

      • NellCote71

        And what's Texas? Chopped liver?

        • Out of respect for our many fine Wonketteerz from that state, I was pretending it wasn't a contender.

          • MosesInvests

            We appreciate it.

  • SorosBot

    Stimulus money for me, but not for thee!

    • nounverb911

      Do you know who else got a big stimulus?

      • Ron Jeremy?

      • SorosBot

        Catherine the Great?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Mr. Hands?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Jodi Sweetin?

  • nounverb911

    Is Kelly the same guy that denied ever getting endorsed by the neo-nazis after acknowledging getting endorsed by the neo-nazis?

    • Si, the one and the same.

    • YasserArraFeck


  • mavenmaven

    The GOP has learned they can say anything they want as long as it parrots fox news talking points, no one will check up on them, and the GOP base will just give a fist pump, yell "yeah" and vote for them.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Yes. This J.K. story is actually kinda old news. The issue was raised in the Gooper primary, didn't seem to matter then.

  • widestanceromance

    She was just lying there, tied down and all. Someone was gonna do it. . .

  • SorosBot

    But see, it's OK for Jesse Kelly to get government money, because he's white.

    • Fare la Volpe

      We prefer the term "job creator" thank you.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Having grown up in Louisiana, I have to say, at least we got some entertainment value along with our political games.

  • OldWhiteLies

    You've heard of circular reasoning?

    Well this is what happens when the circle melds into a tetrahedron.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      It has amazing Quantum properties.

  • Somebody had to take the money? Isn't that what Bonnie and Clyde said?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think there should be no problems with this, as long as all of his ads and campaign signs clearly have the logo for the stimulus act on them.

  • prommie

    Here we go again, another one whose face just begs, begs for some neck-stomping and throat-punching.

    • We're still feeling all hatey-stabby, I see.

    • Wait til you see the guy who's running for Kyl's Senate seat. Now THERE'S a face asking for some violence. Wil Cardon (a birther who comes from a rich, connected family but pretends he doesn't) looks like he could be Donald Trump Jr.'s fatter little brother. Check out the picture, but don't read the bio unless you haven't eaten for 12 hours.

      Cardon is challenging the front runner, Congressman Jeff Flake, who's another tool of Jan Brewer's bosses. Flake has been endorsed by Kyl and McCain, but Cardon's extremist efforts to out-conservative him are beginning to make some waves. Birtherism is big in the suburbs of Phoenix.

      And if you're wondering where Rmoney stands in this contest, he gave money to BOTH Flake and Cardon. I think it's what you call hedging your tea bags.

  • This is why I always leave the Lights, TV, Stereo, Stove, Microwave, Dryer and Washer on all of the time. If I don't use that electricity, it just continues to go on to the neighbor's house and they will use it. I'm paying for it right? I might as well use it up.

    • kissawookiee

      When electricity came to my great-grandfather's farm, he left the refrigerator plugged in only halfway, so as to cut his electric bills in half. True story.

    • My grandmother (a tough old bird as ever there was) refused to have plumbing put in because she said it made you lazy. She got up around 5 am till she died, at the age of ~96, to draw her own water from the well.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It's not hypocrisy if he doesn't believe he's not practicing what he preaches — it's the Reaganesque formulation that began with "While I sincerely don't believe I sold arms to the Iranians and then used the proceeds from that illegal operation to finance another illegal operation, the facts say something different."

    And this is why faith-based reality is far superior to fact-based reality — in faith-based reality you never do anything wrong unless you're fool enough to think you do.

  • stimulus dollars. (You probably thought for a minute there that we were going to say “penises in the mouth” or perhaps “Mexicans,” which would have also been informed guesses.)

    I was actually going to split the difference, and say "Stimulating Mexican penises with the mouth, for dollars".

    • If I remember correctly, that's what we pay sheriffs for in Arizona.

  • prommie

    Keep your government hands off my stimulus money!!! Here again is demonstrated that they do not hate the stimulus, they hate the stimulus program of this particular president, who is NEAR. That makes it a near stimulus. And they do not hate deficits, they hate the near deficit, they do not hate medical care, they hate near medical care. Just like they wouldn't drive a near car or live in a near neighborhood, they want nothing to do with a near government and its near programs.

    • OldWhiteLies

      Hmmm. Please forgive my ignorance.

      National Energy Assistance Referral?
      Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous?
      National Endowment for Alzheimer's Research?
      Northwest Electromagnetics & Acoustics Research?
      Never Eat Artichokes if Rocketing?

      • prommie

        The Sherrif is Near!

        • MosesInvests

          No, dagnabbit, I said the sherrif's a ni*CLANG*!

          • OldWhiteLies

            OK, so what you are telling me is that NEAR is a type of phonetic euphemism for that most infamous of derogatory shots at our darker complected brethren. And it sounds as if the use of this euphemism immediately denotes a severe mocking indictment of those who would unabashedly use said infamous derogatory shot in its original form. Have I got that right?

            Is this a Wonketeer invention, or does this originate elsewhere?

          • MosesInvests

            I take it you've never seen Blazing Saddles. Definitely worth watching.

  • decay500

    Didn't dad Don take the bucks? Jesse will be in debt for eternity..

  • YasserArraFeck

    Where can I find a scam like that?
    Like Jesse's Grift
    I wish that I had Jesse's Grift

  • Chichikovovich

    “I decided to run right after President Obama signed the stimulus that would indebt my 20-month-old son for the rest of his life,”

    The stimulus was priced at more or less $800 billion, and 40% was tax cuts, which according to Republican rhetoric don't cost anything, and let people keep their own money, and blah blah… so there's about $480 billion.

    I hope nobody tells this guy about the $ trillion or so his little son will be indebted thanks to the pointless war in Iraq. Man, will he be pissed off.

    • I can tell you don't spend much time with the logically-impaired, Chich.

      He will not be pissed off. He will eye you, squinting, with his too-close-set gaze and smile triumphantly and say, "See! That's why we need to get rid of Obama."

      And then your head will hurt a great deal and you will weep into your port and take many pills. And he will brag to everyone about how he showed you, perfesser smartypants, with your elitist lawjik and stuff.

  • Pithaughn

    someone was going to pervert the contract awarding and get some of that sweet sweet govt $$, if not me then I'll whine and bitch until I at least get my "fair share" of sub contracts.
    This is pretty much ver batim of a typical conservative contractor. As if there was any other type!

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    IOKIYAR, bitches. IOKIYAR.

  • barto

    But he's so serious-looking. There's got to be a brain in there somewhere, no?

    • In his stomach. He had sheep's head for dinner.

    • He left it at the door of the Casas Church of Tucson, where they believe, "Man can never make up for his sin by self-improvement or good works – only by trusting in Jesus Christ as God's offer of forgiveness can man be saved from sin's penalty."

  • kissawookiee

    That boy is the both the event horizon and singularity of derp.

  • fuflans

    looks like that cactus is giving him the finger.

  • Beowoof

    Principles we don't need no stinking principles, we have hypocrisy enough to not share the wealth.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Well, someone had to put that rentboy's cock in his mouth!

    • It won't be long before some Republican tries that excuse. They're getting more shameless by the day.

  • comrad_darkness

    So his lifelong dream it to be 100% funded by the government rather than just 90% by actually collecting a government salary and all those sweet sweet benefits?

  • Slim_Pickins

    There are several examples in the Chicago area of dads buying their son's way into politics because dad didn't want them within a hundred miles of the family business, because frankly they weren't that smart. Maybe Pa Kelly has realized he doesn't want his son in the business anymore and has "encouraged" him to go into politics?

  • M. Szyslak

    Got to admit I live in AZ, real close to but not in that district (my Rep. is the uber-liberal Raul Grijalva). If shit-fer-brains wins, his constituents will include Hippie Dr. Andrew Weil and a fine school (U of AZ) and a lot of decent people. And a scary number of neo nazi scumbags. It's all very humbling and embarrassing.

    • Lucky you, Raul Grijalva is a fine, fine progressive.

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      I looked him up. Top chap, by the look of it.

  • ALL govt spending is immoral, contrary to the Founding Fathers wishes, and antiChristian. Except govt spending to Support Our Troops and Secure Our Borders

  • horsedreamer_1

    As a recipient of Wingnut Welfare, I presume he showed up to turn in his nominating papers in a Cadillac.

  • DahBoner

    Money is good when it goes to Rich, White Republican douchebags.

    Just keep it out of the hands of Messicans & Negros.


  • An_Outhouse

    You know who else's family got fat on the gov't's contracts?

    That patron saint of Tea baggers: Barry Goldwater. Also from Az.

  • ttommyunger

    The Derp is strong with this one.

  • rocktonsam


    • M. Szyslak

      Robert Downey Jr. be mighty punchable.

  • TribecaMike

    If I hadn't read the dateline, I'd have thought this article was about some hack who was hoping to be elected to congress on the coattails of Warren G. Harding, with the backing of Rockefeller's Standard Oil money.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Gobble that government cock Jesse. Jam Obama's big, black stimulus cock right down your gullet. Yeah, that's it. You love it don't you, you little Republican bitch. Let the government fuck you in your pretty little Republican mouth with that big, black stimulus cock. You can't get enough of that Black, Democratic stimulus cock, can you white boy. We know your type, you talk tough, but inside you're dreaming about the government pounding away at your gullet with that veiny, purple-headed stimulus fuckstick. You think of it every moment you're awake and dream of it at night. You know you want it. You know you need it, and you know that you can't live without it, so choke it down white boy. Choke it down, because you know that as soon as it's pulled out you'll be crawling and pleading and begging for more.

  • ChapterUndVerse

    If he wants to stop out-of-control spending, perhaps his first move should be to oppose super-PACS buying their own congresscritters. I can't believe the price of a congressman these days.

Previous articleAnd Here Is A Youthful, Smiling Mitt Romney Pointing A Gun At His Jaw
Next articleRobert Mugabe, Beacon Of Hope, Appointed Tourism Ambassador By U.N.