or maybe he's overcompensating?

Ill. Senator Mark Kirk Turns Out Not To Be Gay, Actually Has Tons Of Lady Problems

Ladies manMark Kirk is the Republican who ran to succeed beloved Greatest Senator Ever Roland Burris, and you probably remember him for two reasons: that he was rumored to be gay, and that his ex-wife stopped supporting his campaign because he got too conservative under the sway of mysterious svengali Dodie McCracken. And then you forgot about him, because you get all your political news from your Wonkette, as is proper. What’s he been up to in the meantime? Well, he won his election (not funny) and had a stroke (not funny) but is recovering nicely (inspiring, not funny) and then his ex-wife filed an FEC complaint because he was paying Dodie McCracken in a dodgy roundabout fashion, and also fucking her (DING DING DING DING).

So, yes, in our last hilarious episode of Mark Kirk’s Women, Kirk’s “amicable” “still good friends” “shared custody of their beloved Shih Tzu” ex-wife Kimberly Vertolli gave a really long interview with Chicago Magazine about how, more in sorrow than in anger, really, she would have to stop supporting the senate campaign of her ex because the evil Dodie McCracken, who had for years exercised a mysterious power over Kirk, was forcing him to be a sinister conservative instead of the middle-of-the-road blue state Republican he was in his heart. That was in August of 2010! The next month, Vertolli was hired by the Kirk campaign (on the condition that McCracken be de-hired) to do “legal research” and stopped bad-mouthing him, and then the fun was over — until Vertolli receiv[ed] documents sent to her by an unknown person last July from a location in Highland Park which PROVED that Kirk was paying McCracken in SEC-violating ways (and also sexing her, heterosexual-style).

Actually, we have no idea when Vertolli found out about the McCracken-Kirk love connection? Her August 2010 interview was obviously rife with McCracken-hate, though she didn’t come out and say they where doing it, but Vertolli and Kirk were separated by 2008, and he and McCracken were frolicking in the Aegean not long after, so probably Vertolli was in the loop on this? Still, as late as January 2010 Vertolli was posting earnest pro-Kirk comments on blogs, leading Kirk to send her this email:

hey, can I ask you to not post on the blogs? You have unique authority and power with our message, wasting it on the blogosphere is beneath you and me — there will be moments for you to comment but I would not add your name to a post — sort of like Jackie O cmmenting [sic] on a blog …

Which, mixed messages to a heartbroken lady much, Mark? At least Jackie got to stay married to JFK, while he boffed other women! ANYWAY, the actual legal complaint (as opposed to the no doubt long litany of emotional complaints) was that, rather than firing McCracken as he promised, he just paid consulting money to The Patterson Group, an ad agency that subcontracted Kirk’s campaign work to McCracken. This is more or less legal, though if you’re doing it specifically to obscure the actual identity of the person doing the work for you (to hide her from your ex-wife, the law does not specify) then it’s an FEC violation.

Oh, also, probably Vertolli’s complaint would have more moral weight if not for the fact that she received her payment from the Kirk campaign via a phony baloney shell corporation, “Athens & Sparta Counsel LLC,” that Vertolli created specifically for purposes of receiving her own payment from the Kirk campaign.

ANYWAY, Kirk also pays a salary to his mother and paid for a car for his stepmother out of campaign funds, proving that he’s generous to all the women in his life, not just the ones he is currently or was previously fucking! And, Kirk and McCracken have broken up, so now’s your chance, ladies. Kirk’s rehab seems to be going well, so we wish him good health and hope he’ll be back in the saddle soon. (“Back in the saddle” here is meant specifically to be a euphemism for “having sex with women.”) [Chicago Tribune]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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82 comments

    1. SorosBot

      Silly, bisexuals don't exist!

      (Really, there are more than a few people who actually claim this).

      1. Chichikovovich

        Beavis, you don't know what `bisexual' means? It means you've got two schlongs!

        —Butthead

  1. nounverb911

    Republicans allow straight senators? Who'd have thought they were so progressive.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah, I hate it when someone rolls up to the cube wanting to talk about work, just as a fresh ready-for-snark post shows up here.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          "No, I am not typing that global email that addresses our most pressing early week issues. I am attempting to hone my snark at Wonkett."

          1. Baconzgood

            He was going on and on about my not paying attention to my back log of client payments or somthing, I really wasn't listening, and I could think of is "#1 comment on Wonkette, and it'll be a good one with lots fisting".

  2. Goonemeritus

    I tried to follow this but all I came away with is the implausible allegation that a Republican isn’t gay.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      It was sorta like reading a Raymond Chandler novel, wasn't it? You're not really sure what the Hell is going on, but it's lots of fun, nonetheless, largely because the language is so evocative, florid and edgy.

      At any rate: I don't really care if it makes much sense, as long as it involves Family Values Republicans pushing aside their long suffering middle-aged Stepford Wives to concentrate on fucking anyone and everyone aged 25 and under who has ever worked a day or volunteered on their campaign.

  3. Chet Kincaid

    You see, Roland Burris had integrity. The names of all the women to whom he has made sweet love are inscribed on the walls of his mausoleum.

  4. Chow Yun Flat

    ANYWAY, Kirk also pays a salary to his mother and paid for a car for his stepmother out of campaign funds, proving that he’s generous to all the women in his life, not just the ones he is currently or was previously fucking.

    At least as far as we know.

        1. RedneckMuslin

          Seems to me he might want to brush up on his foreplay to help his wimmin get off too?

          He may be gay but he's still a man.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      He probably pulled the old "I think I'm gay, but I just have to try one more time to be sure" line on them.

  5. Schmannnity

    John Edwards wished he had tried the stroke sympathy ploy to deflect the paid paramour negatives.

  6. BarackMyWorld

    I long for the pre-Watergate days, when no one noticed if campaign funds just cold got spent directly on whores. So much simpler.

  7. SorosBot

    OT but is anyone else getting auto-playing ads with sound? It's annoying, especially as I also am trying to listen to a podcast in the background.

  8. mavenmaven

    I think what he is is Prince Charles, giving up a younger wife for a much older woman.

  9. DaveJ

    “shared custody of their beloved Shih Tzu”

    Verdict: gaygaygaygaygaygaygaygaygaygaygay

  10. Preferred Customer

    "Kirk also pays a salary to his mother and paid for a car for his stepmother out of campaign funds, proving that he’s generous to all the women in his life, not just the ones he is currently or was previously fucking!"

    Objection. Assumes facts not in evidence.

  11. OneYieldRegular

    There's an awful lot of Greek subtext in this story. I'm also guessing Marcus Bachmann is somehow involved.

  12. WhatTheHeck

    This was so confusing, I had to write down the names of the various characters and who was doing what to whom. In the end, I had a John Le Carré novel and the conclusion …?

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    "pays a salary to his mother and paid for a car for his stepmother out of campaign funds, proving that he’s generous to all the women in his life"

    Does it also prove that perhaps his father was a philandering scumbag too?

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I don't know. It does sound like someone was trying to overcompensate a little here.

  15. WIDTAP

    There isn't any room here for tasteless jokes about McCracken going for lovers severely disabled by stroke, is there?

    Just saying – the whole thing is too straight otherwise.

  16. An_Outhouse

    Nothing suggests sweaty sexytime like '“Athens & Sparta Counsel". I still think he's gay and she's a transvestitie.

  17. littlebigdaddy

    I really hope the rumors about Michelle Obama running for this seat are true.

  18. fuflans

    here is some Old Icelandic kraken to completely mess with spell check:

    "Nú mun ek segja þér, at þetta eru sjóskrímsl tvau. Heitir annat hafgufa, en annat lyngbakr. Er hann mestr allra hvala í heiminum, en hafgufa er mest skrímsl skapat í sjónum. Er þat hennar náttúra, at hún gleypir bæði menn ok skip ok hvali ok allt þat hún náir. Hún er í kafi, svá at dægrum skiptir, ok þá hún skýtr upp hǫfði sínu ok nǫsum, þá er þat aldri skemmr en sjávarfall, at hún er uppi. Nú var þat leiðar sundit, er vér fórum á millum kjapta hennar, en nasir hennar ok inn neðri kjaptrinn váru klettar þeir, er yðr sýndist í hafinu, en lyngbakr var ey sjá, er niðr sǫkk. En Ǫgmundr flóki hefir sent þessi kvikvendi í móti þér með fjǫlkynngi sinni til þess at bana þér ok ǫllum mǫnnum þínum. Hugði hann, at svá skyldi hafa farit fleiri sem þeir, at nú drukknuðu, en hann ætlaði, at hafgufan skyldi hafa gleypt oss alla. Nú siglda ek því í gin hennar, at ek vissa, at hún var nýkomin upp."

  19. Not_So_Much

    I think the larger story here is that Dodie McCracken's vagina(?) has the power to cause a stroke.

  20. pinkocommi

    If a Republitard isn't telling his wife he is divorcing her while she is sick in the hospital or if he isn't secretly snorting meth off a gay prostitute's cock, it is hard to take him seriously.

  21. TribecaMike

    Look on the bright side, senator Kirk, the last person to have problems with someone who's name sounded like Dodie ended up having a most spectacular funeral.

Comments are closed.