BUT DO THE PENGUINS GET A TOASTER?  10:30 am May 29, 2012

Why Are These Dastardly Spaniards Turning These Poor Penguins Gay?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Cats and birds living together ...Madrid, Spain, is the location for all those disgusting Pedro Almodovar movies about nuns and transvestites and nun-transvestites, and pregnant nuns caring for junkie transvestites. So it it any wonder that in Godless Madrid, zookeepers are turning poor penguins gay? They are even endangering unborn penguins by letting them be hatched and adopted by homosexual* birds!

A zoo in Madrid, Spain, recently gave a “gay” penguin couple an egg to watch over after the pair built nests together in hopes of finding a egg, ABC News reported.

For six years zookeepers at Faunia Park have been unable to separate Inca and Rayas. This year they decided to make the penguins parents and give the couple an egg to take care of.

“We wanted them to have something to stay together for – so we got an egg,” zookeeper Yolanda Martin told the British newspaper the Telegraph. “Otherwise they might have become depressed.”

[*]The article notes that the birds aren’t “actually gay” but “more like best friends, living cooperatively because they’re” in the same habitat.

Why couldn’t they be like the zookeepers in Toronto who separated their gay penguins, for Her Majesty and Jesus?

In November of last year zookeepers from a Canadian zoo separated a male couple and placed them with female penguins in hopes that they would breed.

Buddy and Pedro of the Toronto Zoo protected each others turf, slept together and made mating calls to one another. The zoo’s officials say that the African penguins were starting a courtship and began mating behavior that would normally be seen between male and female penguins.

“It’s a complicated issue, but they seem to be in a loving relationship of some sort,’’ the chair of the Toronto Zoo board, Joe Torzsok, told the Toronto Star.

Well good thing the Toronto Zoo has put the kibosh on this so-called “loving relationship,” and put the gay penguins in ex-gay totally straight marriages instead. Ask Arianna Huffington, or that nice lady what is married to Ted Haggard, or any other Republican wife in the past 15 years! It always works out in the end.

[EdgeOnTheNet]

 
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{ 97 comments }

Barb May 29, 2012 at 10:33 am

We should collect all the gay penguins and put them inside an electrical fence. We could call it a "zoo."

chascates May 29, 2012 at 10:35 am

Where they could feast on the fingers of Newt Gingrich.

Barb May 29, 2012 at 10:36 am

We could get our ya-yas by watching them be gay and stuff. A petting-below-the-waist zoo.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

You don't want to pet penguins, especially gay ones. Very high strung, they nip.

Barb May 29, 2012 at 10:47 am

They sometimes hide their little penguin peckers and pretend they are girl penguins. You could say that they nip and tuck.

prommie May 29, 2012 at 11:05 am

And they smell like fish shit thats been eaten by a fish and then shit out again, with extra anchovies.

iburl May 29, 2012 at 12:52 pm

They do smelt.

chascates May 29, 2012 at 10:33 am

Marcus Bachmann, Minnesota Penguin?

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:42 am

The team plays in Pittsburgh, tho

Callyson May 29, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Despite Kansas City's best efforts to take them out of my hometown.

Also–GO PENS!

ManchuCandidate May 29, 2012 at 10:36 am

Do penguins have a wide stance?

James Michael Curley May 29, 2012 at 11:12 am

They waddle. That is either a wide stance or too much Malox.

MarionNYNY May 29, 2012 at 10:36 am

When it doesn't work out for the new "wives" will they get book deals or be able to run media empires?

Goonemeritus May 29, 2012 at 10:36 am

“The article notes that the birds aren’t “actually gay” but “more like best friends, living cooperatively because they’re” in the same habitat.”

Other than the word gay this sentence describes most marriages, well maybe the cooperative part is a little optimistic as well.

Baconzgood May 29, 2012 at 10:36 am

It doesn't surprise me that penguins are gay. Look how stylish they are with the wearing the tuxedos all the time.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

HEY! I was married in a tux! To a her!

Fare la Volpe May 29, 2012 at 11:08 am

I bet she wasn't wearing one though.

IncenseDebate May 29, 2012 at 10:37 am

Well I never been to Spain
But I kinda like the penguins

weejee May 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

You should go, go, go, it's magical.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:47 am

Well, I headed for Las Vegas, only made it out to Puffin.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 29, 2012 at 10:37 am

Don't you see? This is all part of the homesexual penguin agenda!

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:45 am

Damn pengayuins…

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 10:37 am

Barman Returns is still the best Batman movie made; yeah the Nolan films are good, but too serious and grim, the Burton films are superior. As for the Schumacher movies and the 60s series, they were just awful.

BarackMyWorld May 29, 2012 at 10:49 am

Imma let you finnish, but "Batman Returns" was full of silly plot-holes and "The Dark Knight" was the best super-hero adaptation of all time.

fuflans May 29, 2012 at 10:56 am

dark knight was awesome but! i am getting utterly sick of christian bale and that ridiculous batman voice.

Fare la Volpe May 29, 2012 at 11:14 am

Dark Knight is just about the only superhero movie that I actually believed could be possible. The Joker's madness was raw and horrifying (I love Mark Hamill's homicidal trickster, but Ledger showed that the terror of madness comes from its complete unpredictability, and in a society like Gotham which is built upon its strong sense of law and order, unpredictability is unconscionable), and Batman's conflict between justice and vigilantism was so powerfully portrayed. Batman Begins was long and tedious, but Dark Knight was so perfectly formed. My only hope is they strike twice with the new film and don't cock it up like the Supermans.

Pseudonymously_Joe May 29, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Alright, I see everyone else weighing in, so here's Mumbly_Critic's quasi-definitive list of the Best Batmans in visual motion media, ever:

1)Arkham Asylum/City. Sorry dudes, this really is the best depiction of Batman. It makes extensive use of the rogue's gallery, highlights his skills as a combatant, gadgetry, resoursefulness, and shines a decent light on the Batman/Catwoman dynamic. It introduces the weird magic/fantastic elements of the DC universe, while still successfully maintaining a fairly noir tone. Oh, and also, they managed to make a Robin who looks badass. The only problem I had is the games, like just about every non-comic medium ever, made Bane way dumber than he's actually supposed to be. Nobody ever makes a smart Bane.

Tied for 3) Burton's Batman and Dark Knight. With apologies to Soros, Burton's has a few demerits, for the weird date-rapey scene transition, the thing with the machine gun, the fact that Joker killed Batman's parents in that version (Nerd-rage!!!)
4)Batman Animated Series/some bits of New Batman Adventures. Best animated depiction of Batman, period. Paul Dini is a genius.
5)Batman Begins. I like that they went with Scarecrow instead of the more usual suspects, and they did a good job of the origin story without making a hash of it, but relative to the above four, nothing really "popped".
6) Batman Beyond. Loses points for being set in the future, and for idiotic spin-off crossovers, but still pretty good?
7)Batman Returns. Again, sorry Soros. You're free to argue, but you're wrong. This version of Penguin did influence other, better, versions of Penguin (see: Arkham City) in interesting ways, however.
8)Any other animated version of Batman/The Batman/etc.
[...]
∞)Batman, the 60's TV show. It was awful, but it was so bad it's good. Unlike the ones listed below, which are so bad they were terrible:
∞ plus 1)Batman and Robin. Ugh.
∞ plus 2)Batman Forever. Double-Ugh. Also started the whole trend of stupid Banes, forever.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 29, 2012 at 12:52 pm

WTF? "Barman Returns" sounded so promising, and then everybody went off on this damned Batman tangent.

gurukalehuru May 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

The Barmans Revenge

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 10:39 am

"The zoo’s officials say that the African penguins were starting a courtship"

I don't have a zoology degree, but I do know that penguins are from Antarctica, not Africa, which gives me a leg up on the Toronto zookeepers.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:40 am

What is the airspeed of a laden African Penguin?

BTW, there's also South American penguins

LettucePrey May 29, 2012 at 11:19 am

There are penguins on the Galapagos Islands (which are off the coast of Ecuador), but they don't count because they are godless Darwin accolytes.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 29, 2012 at 1:00 pm

New Zealand and Argentina, also too. I'm guessing NZ is the place where gay penguins go, at least on vacation. Much more liberal than, say South Africa or Argentina.

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Although they can get gay-penguin-married in South Africa and Argentina, but not in New Zealand; here's the map:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:World_homosexua

BerkeleyBear May 29, 2012 at 11:23 am

Who will also go gay if San Francisco's experience is anything to judge by. Although if I remember correctly that pair got broken up when one of them decided having an egg was more important and decided to reproduce with a female.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 29, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Uh-oh… don't let the Xtards find out about this. Don't want to see them crank up all that pray-away-the-gay bullshit again.

LocalGirlMakesGoo May 29, 2012 at 11:54 am

I used to see penguins on the beach all the time.

freakishlywrong May 29, 2012 at 10:39 am

All pengies are gay. The boy ones are in their tuxes to gay-marry other boy pengies and the girl pengies are cross dressers like all lesbos that dress like boys. Sheesh!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 29, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Nah … teh gayz wear pastels, just to be different.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:39 am

Gay married penguins. Well, at least we know it will be a formal affair.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 29, 2012 at 10:40 am

They should get gay married. They already have the tuxedos.

weejee May 29, 2012 at 10:40 am

Is Lindsey Graham moving to Toronto?

EatsBabyDingos May 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

Up next, Cracker will do a song about the next Spanish zoo exhibit, "Eurotrash Squirrel."

James Michael Curley May 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

You got pictures of Arianna Huffington dressed as a gay penguin? I'm sure Michael would have loved to see that.

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 10:42 am

I hope that they gave Inca and Rayas a penguin egg. Otherwise the poor thing is going to be really confused when it hatches.

James Michael Curley May 29, 2012 at 10:43 am

Out next week, Anne Hathaway as Cat Woman.

BarackMyWorld May 29, 2012 at 10:50 am

July 20th.

James Michael Curley May 29, 2012 at 11:31 am

I have to take a longer than usual nap.

nounverb911 May 29, 2012 at 10:52 am

I thought Cats closed years ago.

James Michael Curley May 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

Cats and Les Misrables are and will be continuously playing somewhere forever.

Lascauxcaveman May 29, 2012 at 11:29 am

Hmmmm… Michelle Pfeifer, Halle Berry or Anne Hathaway as Catwoman? Decisions, decisions… Geez, when you throw in young Eartha Kitt, it doesn't really get any easier, does it?

James Michael Curley May 29, 2012 at 11:39 am

You forgot Julie Newmar.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Be in my bunk!

starfanglednut May 29, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I hope you wash the sheets in there.

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 10:43 am

I bet the area where their nest is located is the best decorated in the whole aviary.

James Michael Curley May 29, 2012 at 10:49 am

Rookery Depot – where they can get a lovely spiral stair case.

Mumbletypeg May 29, 2012 at 10:45 am

I'm finding your ALT-TEXT, Rebecca, surprisingly easy to uh, flap to.

prommie May 29, 2012 at 10:51 am

They should build a 100 mile fence, is what they should do, and put the queer and the homo penguins in there, and drop food on them, dad-gummit. I'm agin it.

nounverb911 May 29, 2012 at 10:51 am

And in other news, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still gay! Wait, what?

Janinthepan May 29, 2012 at 10:52 am

I'm just glad that there is another person out there who shares my appreciation for Almodóvar movies.

BarackMyWorld May 29, 2012 at 10:53 am
metamarcisf May 29, 2012 at 10:53 am

This explains why the Pittsburgh Penguins were eliminated in the first round.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 11:03 am

Marc Andre Fleury was waddling suspiciously.

JustPixelz May 29, 2012 at 11:06 am

… [they] aren’t “actually gay” but “more like best friends, living cooperatively

“What a good friend you have,” Agnes said. “Coming over with lunch and a message from your Daddy.”
“Yes,” Edward replied. “Paul is my best friend.”
“He helps take care of your father?” Diane was fishing for information.
“My father has diabetes. He's had some surgery and doesn't see very well anymore.”
“And Paul helps take care of him.”
“Yes. Paul is my best friend.”

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 11:08 am

All true, at least until the Reid Fleming movie is released.

Lascauxcaveman May 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

Oh, you have MADE MY DAY!

I wouldn't trade you for all the gay penguins in Spain. But Jon Lovitz? Please.

Fare la Volpe May 29, 2012 at 11:11 am

The worship some people give The Dark Knight is weird

Did you ever think maybe you just have bad taste in movies? That could be it.*

(Seriously? X-Men 2?!)

*You know I loves ya, Soros. We only kid here.

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 11:16 am

X-Men 2 is great, yeah. And unlike Nolan's films it's not embarrassed by the source material.

Fare la Volpe May 29, 2012 at 11:18 am

I think my feelings about 2 are tainted by the complete cock show that was 3. They fucking killed off Cyclops in the first few minutes, and then proceeded to fuck up the entire gravitas of the Dark Phoenix saga. I was never crazy about any of the X-Men movies, but 3 was so abysmally bad it dragged the others down just by proxy.

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 11:24 am

Oh, 3 was just awful, but the first one was still decent, and second really good.

If only Singer hadn't left to do Superman; who knows how the Dark Phoenix saga done properly, instead of just as a subplot in a generally shitty movie, could have turned out.

But at least First Class was great, and has brought the X-Men back to being good on film.

ttommyunger May 29, 2012 at 11:17 am

Penguin libel.

mavenmaven May 29, 2012 at 11:19 am

Penguin God will be very angry and smite the Spanish penguin world.

vodkamuppet May 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

In Pat Robertson world, gay penguins caused the Italian earthquake.

BerkeleyBear May 29, 2012 at 11:21 am

Actually, Soros, The Dark Knight was very true to the tone of the uber dark graphic novel series of the same title from the late 80s/early 90s. It was a very hot title when it came out, but it was totally different than what DC or Marvel are normally shilling. So you can't compare the two – Burton's are more in line with the original books, but stopping short of the camp of the TV series, but Nolan captures the "adult" version of the Bat.

All that said, I was a Marvel reader growing up, so I dig the X-Men and Avengers stuff. I'm waiting for someone to do a good New Mutants movie (Kitty Pryde, people). Although apparently I missed all the cool adult themes they've added more recently, from bed-hopping She-Hulk to gay Canuckistani heroes.

Fare la Volpe May 29, 2012 at 11:26 am

Wasn't She-Hulk always a little bit of a bed-hopper? I thought her deal was that once she became She-Hulk permanently she finally had the confidence to do what she always wanted to do as a mundane, and part of that was her own sexual liberation.

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

I've always been more of a Marvel guy as well. But both bed-hopping She-Hulk and the gay Canuck date back to the 80s, although the sexuality of Northstar was only implied until the 90s because Marvel had a no-homosexual policy that some writers managed to sneak around.

And the more recent She-Hulk series was awesome, it was a legal comedy set in the Marvel universe, focused on superhuman law; it could make a really cool movie.

Eve8Apples May 29, 2012 at 11:26 am

If I was a female penguin at the Toronto Zoo I would be mad as hell. I'd be preparing for sexytime all dressed up in my fancy penguin lingerie, gettin' my feathers did and hunting and gathering a great meal for my potential mate only to find out the zookeepers gave me a gay date.

Jus_Wonderin May 29, 2012 at 11:34 am

Just wait to did your feathers, as he could do that for you on the date.

Eve8Apples May 29, 2012 at 11:53 am

The Toronto Zookeepers must have failed biology 101 if they are expecting offspring after the female and male attend a Broadway show and get pedicures together.

SayItWithWookies May 29, 2012 at 11:45 am

The article notes that the birds aren’t “actually gay” but “more like best friends, living cooperatively because they’re” in the same habitat.

Just like those two ladies down the street who are lifetime companions and not related in any way, but have just hung out together forever.

Mumbletypeg May 29, 2012 at 12:18 pm

'Remember a Very Special SKS wonkwire, "A Day No Gay Penguins Would Get Jilted"?

SayItWithWookies May 29, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Oh, heartbreak among gay penguins — I've heard it said that being bi doubles your chances of getting a date on Saturday night — but apparently being a bi penguin just means it doubles the competition, poor things.

starfanglednut May 29, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I'm old enough to remember when everybody said "roommate" instead of "partner".

proudgrampa May 29, 2012 at 11:49 am

Some of my best friends are gay penguins.

MissTaken May 29, 2012 at 11:51 am

Those penguins aren't gay, they are just confirmed bachelor penguins. Very well-dressed bachelors.

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 12:14 pm

They're just as straight as Paul Lynde and Liberace were back in the day!

randcoolcatdaddy May 29, 2012 at 12:15 pm

“It’s a complicated issue, but they seem to be in a loving relationship of some sort."

Mittens and Trump?

DahBoner May 29, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Quite frankly, the only thing scarier than gay penguins are old Spanish women…

Biel_ze_Bubba May 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm

… the birds aren’t “actually gay” but “more like best friends …

I'm almost afraid to ask, but what, exactly, would distinguish "actually gay" pengins?

Nopantsmcgee May 29, 2012 at 2:43 pm

"The article notes that the birds aren’t “actually gay” but “more like best friends, living cooperatively because they’re” in the same habitat"

Uh huh. Every gay man I know once tried that excuse out on the parents to explain the new "roommate".

BarackMyWorld May 29, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Batman IS dark and grim. Besides, Burton's Batman was 40 years old and went around lighting bad guys on fire and trying to shoot the Joker with machine guns. Also, the whole Penguin-as-a-carny thing? WTF was that? And suddenly Catwoman has superpowers because the cats brought her back to life and now she knows kung fu because she fell out of a building? Entertaining movies that made no sense and had nothing to do with the source material. "Batman Begins" was a big budget "Batman Year One" and "The Dark Knight" was influenced by "The Long Halloween" and "Dark Victory." Nolan understands Batman.

chascates May 29, 2012 at 6:41 pm

There IS no other Catwoman than Eartha Kitt!

commiegirl May 29, 2012 at 10:25 pm

What Soros said.

TribecaMike May 30, 2012 at 2:16 am

Now we know why Spaniards lisp. C'mon, "Barthlelona"?

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:48 am

They use….wait for it!….duck tape!

BerkeleyBear May 29, 2012 at 11:12 am

Seconded. Penguin keeper is one of the worst jobs at the zoo, after elephant trainer (they tend to get crushed a lot) and polar bear playtoy. The stink does not wash off.

Jus_Wonderin May 29, 2012 at 11:32 am

Of course, penguins are always unPECKably dressed.

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