GRUMPY OLD MEN  9:13 am May 29, 2012

Mean Old Alan Simpson Not Done Yelling At Republicans

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Here is the thing about the newest RINO, former Alan Simpson: back when he was Wyoming’s lone Congressman and then its senator, he was about as conservative as Republicans got — save a Jesse Helms here and an old Strom there. It’s not like he was ever Linc Chaffee, you dig? And now he’s so old and mean to the poor GOP, calling them out for being batshit aggressive and (simultaneously) giant pussies afraid of Grover Norquist. He’s a fun get, is what we’re saying. [NewsBusters]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


Barb May 29, 2012 at 9:16 am

I feel dirty for liking this chap.
The good news is that Sarah Palin will awaken soon and ignore her children all day so that she and her ghost writer can refudiate this man on her Facebook page.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 9:46 am

If she does that, she runs the risk of acknowledging she knows who he is, which would put her out of the lamestream GOP punditry.

Terry May 29, 2012 at 9:48 am

Yeah, back in the day I disagreed with pretty much everything that came out of his mouth or his office.

I would like to ask Simpson why he didn't politically kneecap Cheney back in the day and save the world a whole lot of suffering.

Hedley_Lamarr May 29, 2012 at 12:02 pm

If I went back in time to my 20 something self, and said that Alan Simpson would sound like a rational human being, I would have kneecapped myself.

Callyson May 29, 2012 at 12:29 pm

He'll go back to being an asshole about Social Security and 310 million tits tomorrow. But for today, the more otherwise – awful Reeps tell their party leaders that they have gone completely bonkers, the better…

TribecaMike May 29, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I've been following this character for at least forty years. Trust me, he's a fool.

sewollef May 29, 2012 at 9:16 am

"He’s a fun get…"

Eh? Translation from the American please?

thatsitfortheother1 May 29, 2012 at 9:42 am

Fun git, maybe?

boobookitteh May 29, 2012 at 10:31 am

Alan Simpson #cangetit.

No. That's not right. At least I hope not.

imissopus May 29, 2012 at 12:52 pm

In all seriousness, I believe "get" is journalist-ese for "interview subject," whether of the print variety or as a guest on a talk show.

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 9:17 am

Grover Norquist in white robes!?!? Who knew?

ibwilliamsi May 29, 2012 at 9:52 am

He keeps them with his hood.

MrFizzy May 29, 2012 at 9:19 am

Why is there only one person on earth who has the cohones to say this? He ought to go give Axelrod and company a lesson.

Wile E. Quixote May 29, 2012 at 1:31 pm

There's is an ancient Vulcan proverb, "Only Nixon could go to China." Similarly the only people who have any credibility, according to the Very Serious People who make these decisions, in telling Republicans that they're behaving like total fuckwits and that their policies are exercises in fuckwittery are other Republicans with a reputation for being fuckwits.

If President Obama were to be so incredibly gauche as to point out that the Republicans are fuckwits and that their policies are disastrous exercises in fuckwittery the Very Serious People would write indignant columns asking why President Obama was making partisan attacks on the Republicans and perhaps they would even have to go on Press the Meat and tell David Gregory how incredibly gauche President Obama was being, or if they're not BFFs with David Gregory have to go on Piers Morgan to tell him how incredibly gauche President Obama was being for actually behaving like a Democrat.

MrFizzy May 29, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Unfortunately you are 100% correct. Everything goes back to how goddamn stupid the general electorate is in this country. I think you could convince your average bow-hunting Republican dipshit of just about anything really.

Buck Turgidson is my favorite movie character of all time BTW.

smashedinhat May 29, 2012 at 9:20 am

So. Once you get dentures you can talk common sense? What's up with that?

LetUsBray May 29, 2012 at 9:56 am

Not necessarily: See Rush Lardbutt.

Baconzgood May 29, 2012 at 9:20 am

I don't care what he sais. HE'S A REPUBLICAN FROM WYOMING!!!!!!

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 9:21 am

Yeah, but what do Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog think?

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 9:22 am

Simpson, eh? Where's the onions on his belt?

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 9:24 am

I'd like to see a no-holds-barred Wyoming Cage Match between him and The Dick.

FakaktaSouth May 29, 2012 at 9:26 am


BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 9:29 am


FakaktaSouth May 29, 2012 at 9:30 am

I think this means we have to make this happen now.
You're kinda sick, you know that? I like it.

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 9:48 am

So, you going to make the Gruene show on the 16th? We can discuss it then…

FakaktaSouth May 29, 2012 at 9:24 am

This calls for a good old fashioned Wyoming Cage Fight. Alan Simpson vs Dick Cheney – whoever wins gets to decide just HOW fucking terrible the whole GOP gets to be.

Hell I'd watch that.

prommie May 29, 2012 at 10:03 am

Cheney would never show, he'd keep getting deferments.

Wile E. Quixote May 29, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Well he'd have to, after all he has other priorities.

BarackMyWorld May 29, 2012 at 9:25 am

To be fair, he once chewed out Bill Maher during a "Real Time" interview for some of the gay stereotype jokes Bill had been making on the show prior to the interview. Even though he was Republican Senate Whip for Bob Dole, Simpson never fell in with the pro-life or anti-gay crowds, either.

Can you imagine a man cranky enough to be Bob Dole's Whip? Neither can I.

Terry May 29, 2012 at 9:56 am

I thought Elizabeth took care of that sort of thing for Dole.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 9:58 am

The rumour I heard is Liddy took bj lessons from Nancy.

BarackMyWorld May 29, 2012 at 10:33 am


Dashboard Buddha May 29, 2012 at 10:51 am

That was before Bob became Viagra's pimp, right?

Wile E. Quixote May 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Nahhh, G. Gordon Liddy was already a proficient little cocksucker, so much so that he raffled himself off for cigarettes when he was briefly incarcerated back in the 1970s (briefly because fucking Jimmy Carter commuted his sentence, remember that the next time someone tells you about all the good works Carter has done). Oh wait, you mean Liddy Dole, never mind.

sewollef May 29, 2012 at 9:25 am

Wait a minute, before we all fall deeply, madly in love with this wrinklie…. is this the same Alan 'Kooi' Simpson who only on Wednesday last, wanted to gut the shit out of social security?

And proceeded to rip Californian seniors who called him out on it, suggesting the seniors complaints were a "nefarious bunch of crap", and that they should be ashamed for "shoveling out this bullshit".

Well, it appears to be one and the same. With RINO's like these who needs enemies [or enemas].

I'm really a debbie downer I know… going back to work has totally messed with my sense of well-being.

I shoulda been rich. Or idle.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 9:51 am

It's your own fault for picking the wrong parents.

sewollef May 29, 2012 at 10:09 am

Ha! I think I was swapped at birth.

My parents came from good English working class stock. My dad was a WWII war hero — seriously. In pretty much every European theatre of operations, before liberating Bergen-Belsen. and on to Berlin.

My mother was a war maven who dated anything in a uniform [so I'm told], before settling down with pop some time after war's end. I think I was an accident, much later in their married life.

I've tried to act out that accident status ever since. It's working well.

anniegetyerfun May 29, 2012 at 10:05 am

I don't think we're in love with him for anything he believes. We are in love with him simply for being an angry old coot. Even the yelling at Californians part. Everyone should yell at Californians, out of jealousy of their weather.

He's not a horrifically hateful old guy, which is a nice touch.

Callyson May 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

All true, but at the same time, if *this* guy is telling the Reeps that they have gone off their rocker, the mushy middle might just wake up (finally), see that the inmates have taken over the Republican party, and vote their sorry asses out of office.

At least, that's what I tell myself when I run out of liquor…

mavenmaven May 29, 2012 at 9:25 am

I like how in the comments section they made sure to amend his title to "Godless RINO".

ManchuCandidate May 29, 2012 at 9:27 am

Even once in a while an angry old coot is right about something.

It's about time someone started talking about taking supply side economics and drowning it in the tub.

valthemus May 29, 2012 at 9:28 am

I remember watching this on Sunday morning and thinking, "Who will be the first to arrange the contract killing: Grover Norquist or the Teabaggers? And will they use poison and make it look like natural causes or go for the full-on crucifixion?"

Terry May 29, 2012 at 9:56 am

…and who will be the first to accuse Simpson of being a commie liberal?

Dashboard Buddha May 29, 2012 at 10:55 am

Line on the left, one cross each

Gratuitous World May 29, 2012 at 9:28 am

Statler or Waldorf is right.

cheetojeebus May 29, 2012 at 9:30 am

what ev's old man. Tealots don't give a shit about reason. Pissing and moaning now when you could have said something a while ago when it might have made a difference makes you a pussy too. Fucking poodle whimper republican has been.

Lascauxcaveman May 29, 2012 at 9:56 am

Eh, he's always been one of the more independent-minded Republicans, with libertarian leanings, as befits a Wyomininger.

Those people don't need no government assistance. They can just go out to the backyard and shoot a passing elk if they're hungry. "Why can't all those black Detroit negro Cadillac welfare queen frauds do the same?" etc,etc.

Guys like grandpa Simpson have all the answers. He's right about the too-rightiness of the far right, though.

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 10:02 am

"Those people don't need no government assistance. They can just go out to the backyard and shoot a passing elk if they're hungry."

And graze their cattle on public lands. And mine their coal on BLM property.

thatsitfortheother1 May 29, 2012 at 10:08 am

Frack up a little methane for those cold winter nights…

When I lived in Colorado, the joke at the state line was "Welcome to Wyoming. Beware of falling eagles."

Edit: OK, it wasn't a joke.

chascates May 29, 2012 at 9:31 am

Too bad you have to be retired from politics before you can address the irrational extremism in your ranks.

prommie May 29, 2012 at 10:02 am

'Member Barry Goldwater?

thatsitfortheother1 May 29, 2012 at 10:09 am

Personal feelings aside, you shouldn't publicly call Barry Goldwater a "member."

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 9:34 am

Just remember, don't let this little clip make you like this giant asshole who wants to basically destroy Medicare and Social Security for all of us who are under 55. He's still a huge douchebag who should go fuck himself.

prommie May 29, 2012 at 10:01 am

So maybe there is an up-side to this "being so fucking old" thing I got going on?

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 10:18 am

Yeah, none of the anti-Social Security and Medicare conservatives would dare touch the benefits for the ancient Baby Boomers. But us non-olds keep getting our retirements threatened.

weejee May 29, 2012 at 9:37 am

/ snark off

Too true Alan, but Mr Speaker Agent Orange knows trash talk helpz his cause – more Repugs in Congress.

/ snark on

Goonemeritus May 29, 2012 at 9:38 am

I think the Republican Party needs to man-up and publish a position purity test with some teeth. I think Germany did some good work on just this issue in the thirties maybe they can look to that for some best practices.

Quayle2012_KNOT May 29, 2012 at 9:44 am

Maybe they could mandate a "Norquist Salute," which would be something like pretending to lean over and strangle something in a bath tub.

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 9:49 am

Or fart in the bathtub and try to bite the bubbles.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 9:49 am

Or paint a bullseye on their recta and bend over and spread them.

anniegetyerfun May 29, 2012 at 10:28 am

You know who ELSE published a position purity… oh. Nevermind.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 9:43 am

Why don't these assholes speak up when it might actually mean something?

George Skullfry May 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Fourth word in your sentence, Katie.

thatsitfortheother1 May 29, 2012 at 9:50 am

If I could take a little pair of scissors and carefully cut the Grand Tetons out of Wyoming, I wouln't mind keeping them in my backyard. Maybe the Wind River Range as well.

They can keep the rest.

randcoolcatdaddy May 29, 2012 at 9:58 am

You know we're in serious trouble when the current crop of Republicans makes Alan Simpson look sensible.

Jesse Helms is the new normal, I suppose.

prommie May 29, 2012 at 9:59 am

Its deja vu all over again. I thought someone had crossed the streams when Barry Goldwater started decrying the craziness of the GOP idiots of the late 80s.

Beowoof May 29, 2012 at 9:59 am

Well you have to admit he is right at least in one respect, the republicans are giant pussies for being afraid of Grover Norquist. Have you seen this guy, even Ted Nugent could kick his ass.

anniegetyerfun May 29, 2012 at 10:11 am

Republicans have a whole slew of big mouths that they are terrified to publicly contradict. I can't tell if there is a Democratic equivalent – not that Dems aren't pussies, because of course they are, but I can't imagine a Democrat being too scared to contradict something that Ed Schultz said. Maybe it's only because liberal big mouths just don't have the clout that conservative ones do.

Beowoof May 29, 2012 at 2:01 pm

If democrats had any nerve they would be on the attack. See very little fight back from most of them and I have always thought it was the big reason the Democrats lost so many elections. No one wants to put a wimp in charge.

Tommmcattt May 29, 2012 at 11:05 am

"I guess I'm what they call A RINO, which means "Republican In Name Only…and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

ttommyunger May 29, 2012 at 11:10 am

Look old man, I'll make you a deal. I promise to stay off your yard if you'll just STFU.

fuflans May 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

well that was fun.

TribecaMike May 30, 2012 at 2:20 am

There comes a time in every old fart's life when he has to look himself in the mirror and ponder the eternal question, "Maybe eating all those prunes wasn't such a great idea?"

FakaktaSouth May 29, 2012 at 9:51 am

I am doing EVERYthing I can to make it so – I have new logistical Dallas to Austin travel impediments, but I am willing to do kind of a lot to see Roger Clyne – and I do think this would be an exceptional place to plan the ultimate old white guy fight to the death.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: