grumpy old men

Mean Old Alan Simpson Not Done Yelling At Republicans

Here is the thing about the newest RINO, former Alan Simpson: back when he was Wyoming’s lone Congressman and then its senator, he was about as conservative as Republicans got — save a Jesse Helms here and an old Strom there. It’s not like he was ever Linc Chaffee, you dig? And now he’s so old and mean to the poor GOP, calling them out for being batshit aggressive and (simultaneously) giant pussies afraid of Grover Norquist. He’s a fun get, is what we’re saying. [NewsBusters]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

74 comments

  1. Barb

    I feel dirty for liking this chap.
    The good news is that Sarah Palin will awaken soon and ignore her children all day so that she and her ghost writer can refudiate this man on her Facebook page.

    1. actor212

      If she does that, she runs the risk of acknowledging she knows who he is, which would put her out of the lamestream GOP punditry.

    2. Terry

      Yeah, back in the day I disagreed with pretty much everything that came out of his mouth or his office.

      I would like to ask Simpson why he didn't politically kneecap Cheney back in the day and save the world a whole lot of suffering.

      1. Hedley_Lamarr

        If I went back in time to my 20 something self, and said that Alan Simpson would sound like a rational human being, I would have kneecapped myself.

    3. Callyson

      He'll go back to being an asshole about Social Security and 310 million tits tomorrow. But for today, the more otherwise – awful Reeps tell their party leaders that they have gone completely bonkers, the better…

    4. TribecaMike

      I've been following this character for at least forty years. Trust me, he's a fool.

    1. imissopus

      In all seriousness, I believe "get" is journalist-ese for "interview subject," whether of the print variety or as a guest on a talk show.

  2. MrFizzy

    Why is there only one person on earth who has the cohones to say this? He ought to go give Axelrod and company a lesson.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      There's is an ancient Vulcan proverb, "Only Nixon could go to China." Similarly the only people who have any credibility, according to the Very Serious People who make these decisions, in telling Republicans that they're behaving like total fuckwits and that their policies are exercises in fuckwittery are other Republicans with a reputation for being fuckwits.

      If President Obama were to be so incredibly gauche as to point out that the Republicans are fuckwits and that their policies are disastrous exercises in fuckwittery the Very Serious People would write indignant columns asking why President Obama was making partisan attacks on the Republicans and perhaps they would even have to go on Press the Meat and tell David Gregory how incredibly gauche President Obama was being, or if they're not BFFs with David Gregory have to go on Piers Morgan to tell him how incredibly gauche President Obama was being for actually behaving like a Democrat.

      1. MrFizzy

        Unfortunately you are 100% correct. Everything goes back to how goddamn stupid the general electorate is in this country. I think you could convince your average bow-hunting Republican dipshit of just about anything really.

        Buck Turgidson is my favorite movie character of all time BTW.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    I'd like to see a no-holds-barred Wyoming Cage Match between him and The Dick.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          I think this means we have to make this happen now.
          You're kinda sick, you know that? I like it.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            So, you going to make the Gruene show on the 16th? We can discuss it then…

          2. FakaktaSouth

            I am doing EVERYthing I can to make it so – I have new logistical Dallas to Austin travel impediments, but I am willing to do kind of a lot to see Roger Clyne – and I do think this would be an exceptional place to plan the ultimate old white guy fight to the death.

  4. FakaktaSouth

    This calls for a good old fashioned Wyoming Cage Fight. Alan Simpson vs Dick Cheney – whoever wins gets to decide just HOW fucking terrible the whole GOP gets to be.

    Hell I'd watch that.

  5. BarackMyWorld

    To be fair, he once chewed out Bill Maher during a "Real Time" interview for some of the gay stereotype jokes Bill had been making on the show prior to the interview. Even though he was Republican Senate Whip for Bob Dole, Simpson never fell in with the pro-life or anti-gay crowds, either.

    Can you imagine a man cranky enough to be Bob Dole's Whip? Neither can I.

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          Nahhh, G. Gordon Liddy was already a proficient little cocksucker, so much so that he raffled himself off for cigarettes when he was briefly incarcerated back in the 1970s (briefly because fucking Jimmy Carter commuted his sentence, remember that the next time someone tells you about all the good works Carter has done). Oh wait, you mean Liddy Dole, never mind.

  6. sewollef

    Wait a minute, before we all fall deeply, madly in love with this wrinklie…. is this the same Alan 'Kooi' Simpson who only on Wednesday last, wanted to gut the shit out of social security?

    And proceeded to rip Californian seniors who called him out on it, suggesting the seniors complaints were a "nefarious bunch of crap", and that they should be ashamed for "shoveling out this bullshit".

    Well, it appears to be one and the same. With RINO's like these who needs enemies [or enemas].

    I'm really a debbie downer I know… going back to work has totally messed with my sense of well-being.

    I shoulda been rich. Or idle.

      1. sewollef

        Ha! I think I was swapped at birth.

        My parents came from good English working class stock. My dad was a WWII war hero — seriously. In pretty much every European theatre of operations, before liberating Bergen-Belsen. and on to Berlin.

        My mother was a war maven who dated anything in a uniform [so I'm told], before settling down with pop some time after war's end. I think I was an accident, much later in their married life.

        I've tried to act out that accident status ever since. It's working well.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I don't think we're in love with him for anything he believes. We are in love with him simply for being an angry old coot. Even the yelling at Californians part. Everyone should yell at Californians, out of jealousy of their weather.

      He's not a horrifically hateful old guy, which is a nice touch.

    2. Callyson

      All true, but at the same time, if *this* guy is telling the Reeps that they have gone off their rocker, the mushy middle might just wake up (finally), see that the inmates have taken over the Republican party, and vote their sorry asses out of office.

      At least, that's what I tell myself when I run out of liquor…

  7. mavenmaven

    I like how in the comments section they made sure to amend his title to "Godless RINO".

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Even once in a while an angry old coot is right about something.

    It's about time someone started talking about taking supply side economics and drowning it in the tub.

  9. valthemus

    I remember watching this on Sunday morning and thinking, "Who will be the first to arrange the contract killing: Grover Norquist or the Teabaggers? And will they use poison and make it look like natural causes or go for the full-on crucifixion?"

  10. cheetojeebus

    what ev's old man. Tealots don't give a shit about reason. Pissing and moaning now when you could have said something a while ago when it might have made a difference makes you a pussy too. Fucking poodle whimper republican has been.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Eh, he's always been one of the more independent-minded Republicans, with libertarian leanings, as befits a Wyomininger.

      Those people don't need no government assistance. They can just go out to the backyard and shoot a passing elk if they're hungry. "Why can't all those black Detroit negro Cadillac welfare queen frauds do the same?" etc,etc.

      Guys like grandpa Simpson have all the answers. He's right about the too-rightiness of the far right, though.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "Those people don't need no government assistance. They can just go out to the backyard and shoot a passing elk if they're hungry."

        And graze their cattle on public lands. And mine their coal on BLM property.

        1. thatsitfortheother1

          Frack up a little methane for those cold winter nights…

          When I lived in Colorado, the joke at the state line was "Welcome to Wyoming. Beware of falling eagles."

          Edit: OK, it wasn't a joke.

  11. chascates

    Too bad you have to be retired from politics before you can address the irrational extremism in your ranks.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        Personal feelings aside, you shouldn't publicly call Barry Goldwater a "member."

  12. SorosBot

    Just remember, don't let this little clip make you like this giant asshole who wants to basically destroy Medicare and Social Security for all of us who are under 55. He's still a huge douchebag who should go fuck himself.

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah, none of the anti-Social Security and Medicare conservatives would dare touch the benefits for the ancient Baby Boomers. But us non-olds keep getting our retirements threatened.

  13. Goonemeritus

    I think the Republican Party needs to man-up and publish a position purity test with some teeth. I think Germany did some good work on just this issue in the thirties maybe they can look to that for some best practices.

    1. Quayle2012_KNOT

      Maybe they could mandate a "Norquist Salute," which would be something like pretending to lean over and strangle something in a bath tub.

  14. thatsitfortheother1

    If I could take a little pair of scissors and carefully cut the Grand Tetons out of Wyoming, I wouln't mind keeping them in my backyard. Maybe the Wind River Range as well.

    They can keep the rest.

  15. randcoolcatdaddy

    You know we're in serious trouble when the current crop of Republicans makes Alan Simpson look sensible.

    Jesse Helms is the new normal, I suppose.

  16. prommie

    Its deja vu all over again. I thought someone had crossed the streams when Barry Goldwater started decrying the craziness of the GOP idiots of the late 80s.

  17. Beowoof

    Well you have to admit he is right at least in one respect, the republicans are giant pussies for being afraid of Grover Norquist. Have you seen this guy, even Ted Nugent could kick his ass.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Republicans have a whole slew of big mouths that they are terrified to publicly contradict. I can't tell if there is a Democratic equivalent – not that Dems aren't pussies, because of course they are, but I can't imagine a Democrat being too scared to contradict something that Ed Schultz said. Maybe it's only because liberal big mouths just don't have the clout that conservative ones do.

      1. Beowoof

        If democrats had any nerve they would be on the attack. See very little fight back from most of them and I have always thought it was the big reason the Democrats lost so many elections. No one wants to put a wimp in charge.

  18. Tommmcattt

    "I guess I'm what they call A RINO, which means "Republican In Name Only…and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

  19. ttommyunger

    Look old man, I'll make you a deal. I promise to stay off your yard if you'll just STFU.

  20. TribecaMike

    There comes a time in every old fart's life when he has to look himself in the mirror and ponder the eternal question, "Maybe eating all those prunes wasn't such a great idea?"

Comments are closed.