RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  10:01 am May 29, 2012

Google Thinks We’re Dumb And Lets Glenn Beck Take Over the Internet

by Sulagna Misra

Wahhhhtch my webseries!Happy day after a long weekend! Here’s a list of news items that’ll likely bring upon a series of existential questions upon you – do you care what Google thinks of you? Would you sell your soul for coal? Are you going to watch Glenn Beck’s series for the laughs? Think hard on that one. It costs money now.
  • According to the writer of a new book about the Internet, Google thinks we’re stupid. Just because I had to look up what year Hart’s War came out, they think they can judge me like that? [The Daily Beast]
  • The coal industry is buying fans by paying people to wear T-shirts supporting them at an EPA meeting. Surprisingly, those shirts don’t say anything like, “We’re made out of DINOSAURS! HOW AWESOME IS COAL?!” [Grist]
  • Do you brag about being part Native American? Do you help out the community on a political, social, or cultural scale — or do you just want to be able to get away with a Pocahantas costume for Halloween? [Slate]
  • Glenn Beck has a webseries! It sounds…like a super awkward sketch show. Like SNL when the host is not known for being funny, being in anything funny, or ever having made a joke. [The Atlantic]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 54 comments }

Barb May 29, 2012 at 10:03 am

The coal industry would like to send us all canary suits to wear.
"Honey, did you order a large cage on wheels?"

weejee May 29, 2012 at 10:28 am

Those douches leave me snarkless again. The coal industry wants us to put their soot (aka fly ash) into our concrete and they have convinced (spelled ¢$€£¥) the dolts at Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design (LEED) that doing so is green. Well perhaps it is better than things like the Kingston spill, but there is little to no data on the leaching of nasties¹ from fly ash into the reservoir that holds your drinking water. Maybe they'll start looking at that when we have moar babies with six heads.

1. Things like arsenic, beryllium, cadmium, barium, chromium, copper, lead, mercury, molybdenum, nickel, radium, selenium, thorium, uranium, vanadium, and zinc. Dioxins and PAH compounds, too, also

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:06 am

Hey, Sluggo! How was your weekend?

I'm Native American! I was born here, raised here, and never ran off to the Dominican to fuck little boys!

freakishlywrong May 29, 2012 at 10:08 am

When you have to pay people to support you, URDOINGITRNG. And fuck the assholes who sold themselves for $60.00.

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 10:15 am

Yeah, but they probably got to keep the T-shirts.

finallyhappy May 29, 2012 at 10:28 am

wow, I have volunteered for political campaigns where I was lent the shirt or had to pay $10 while marching in a parade or canvassing for them. Proves we Dems are poor or cheap

Doktor StrangeZoom May 29, 2012 at 10:13 am

Made of dinosaurs? I can top that. I'm made of STAR STUFF!

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 10:26 am

You are stardust
Billion year old carbon
You are golden
Caught in the devils bargain
And you've got to get yourself
Back to the garden

thatsitfortheother1 May 29, 2012 at 10:43 am

Dark star crashes
pouring its light
into ashes

Reason tatters
the forces tear loose
from the axis

Searchlight casting
for faults in the
clouds of delusion

shall we go,
you and I
While we can?
Through
the transitive nightfall
of diamonds

Generation[redacted] May 29, 2012 at 11:53 am

I am made from the dust of the starts
And the oceans flow in my veins
Here I hide in the heart of a city
Like a stranger coming out of the rain

anniegetyerfun May 29, 2012 at 10:14 am

I am pretty confident that I don't have the slightest bit of Native American blood in me. My mom immigrated from Europe and my dad's family are all a bunch of racist Canadians. Also, I have no cheekbones.

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 10:15 am

Sigh. Coal is not made from dinosaurs; it's made from trees, primarily from the Carboniferous period which ended about fifty million years before the dinosaurs.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:17 am

Say, you sound like you must be one them "scienticians"…you and your "facts". What about dinopoop, huh? HUH?

finallyhappy May 29, 2012 at 10:29 am

yeah, but what about diamonds- can I make diamonds from coal if I have super strength?

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

Sure, as long as you're strong enough to mimic the pressures in the Earth's mantle.

OurHoboSenator May 29, 2012 at 10:42 am

Everybody knows that Jesus made coal 6000 years ago. And if you disagree, you are discriminating against my religion!

Doktor StrangeZoom May 29, 2012 at 10:45 am

Actually, coal was made by God with the rest of the Earth no more than 10,000 years ago. As was oil. (And if you think it came from prehistoric jungles, then how did all the oil and gas get to Alaska and under the Arctic Ocean?)

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 10:48 am

There's no such thing as plate tectonics, the Earth was set in its' current shape after the big flood where god killed everyone!

nonbeliever7 May 29, 2012 at 11:05 am

That's also when god made the world round. He was bored with the flat look and decided to redecorate just a bit. Let's hope he doesn't have a cubist mood.

SorosBot May 29, 2012 at 11:07 am

I believe that Eru Ilúvatar made the world round towards the end of the Second Age, after the Númenóreans attempted to attack Valinor under the influence of Sauron, and demand that this theory be taught in the schools alongside the so-called science!

pdiddycornchips May 29, 2012 at 11:01 am

Made from trees? So it's exactly like charcoal which is far preferable to gas when BBQ steaks and burgers. That toxic smoke is delicious!

Generation[redacted] May 29, 2012 at 11:54 am

But I can still pull into the gas station and say, "Filler up with dino-juice" right? 'cause I like saying that.

Ducksworthy May 29, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Oh. And the gooey hydrocarbon stuff? Turn's out that it isn't dinosaurs either. Rock planets like this one just come with a certain (finite) amount of it.

boobookitteh May 29, 2012 at 10:19 am

Black Lung Libel.

YasserArraFeck May 29, 2012 at 10:20 am

Fifty million years from now, those huge lakes of Glenn Beck's tears will have been converted into vast grease deposits, ready for our future lube-based economy.

Beowoof May 29, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Well the future stories of working the Astro-Glide mines are something to look forward to.

Gratuitous World May 29, 2012 at 10:21 am

"Girls of Coal" is the worst Girls Gone Wild t-shirt giveaway yet.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:23 am

Yea, I mean, even when they flash their tits, there's still coal dust all over them and you can't see a damn thing.

Ruhe May 29, 2012 at 10:21 am

For $60 I'd wear a shirt that says "Coal: The "fuck the future" fuel!" Sadly, I think that message might actually be effective.

pdiddycornchips May 29, 2012 at 11:05 am

Frankly, if messages on tee shirts really shaped opinions, we'd all be having nice days and loving NY. Also, too, $60 dollars in coal country is like a month's pay. Ever been to West Virginia or Kentucky?

Ruhe May 29, 2012 at 11:57 am

Born, raised and still living in KY, just a bit north of Coal Country. I do know where all the electricity comes from though and it's a conundrum for us all.

ManchuCandidate May 29, 2012 at 10:22 am

Why didn't the coal industry like it when I wore my black lung T-shirt and dressed up a kid as a coal miner?

Terry May 29, 2012 at 10:23 am

That photo is begging…no crying out for alt text

YasserArraFeck May 29, 2012 at 10:24 am

"Lung Live Coal!!!"

BaldarTFlagass May 29, 2012 at 10:24 am

My ancestors got here to the US too late to participate in the slaughter of and miscegenation with the Native Americans, but I'd sure like to get a piece of that sweet sweet casino action.

actor212 May 29, 2012 at 10:31 am

It might be easier to become a made man than become a native casino owner

finallyhappy May 29, 2012 at 10:31 am

Pretty sure, you can still marry an Indian – however, there are so many different tribal laws(because there are so many tribes)- that you might not get into the action.

freakishlywrong May 29, 2012 at 10:24 am

Turds like Beck just keep circling the bowl and never seem quite to flush. These demagogic fuckwits will never go away.

Beowoof May 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Billy James Hargis, and Father Coughlin are outraged by this.

Schmannnity May 29, 2012 at 10:25 am

Elizabeth Warren and Bristol Palin, Native Americans. Compare and contrast.

James Michael Curley May 29, 2012 at 10:29 am

If you bought one of them strangely shaped black, carbony things because some dude on Fifth Ave. told you it was a newly discovered diamond, your ship came in! Just last weeks de Beers reached the end of its fight against the class action. de Beers Settlement
Of course, you'll get a check for a buck and a quarter and the lawyers get twelve million diamonds.

BarackMyWorld May 29, 2012 at 10:32 am

Here's the real question: What does Cory Booker think about Elizabeth Warren saying she's part Native American?

pdiddycornchips May 29, 2012 at 11:07 am

Nauseated? Just a guess.

RedneckMuslin May 29, 2012 at 10:42 am

Once I read Glen Beck, I already knew the rest of the joke.

BerkeleyBear May 29, 2012 at 11:07 am

Google doesn't think we are stupid. It noes it, with seerch reekwests liiiiike theese for Obamaz a Qenyan.

ttommyunger May 29, 2012 at 11:15 am

Thanks for the pix. I guess there'll be no fapping today.

ElPinche May 29, 2012 at 11:32 am

Don't forget those Redstate lurkers who are into pig-eyed bestiality.

ttommyunger May 29, 2012 at 11:35 am

Oh, I just meant for me.

SayItWithWookies May 29, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Glenn Beck has a webseries! It sounds…like a super awkward sketch show. Like SNL when the host is not known for being funny, being in anything funny, or ever having made a joke.

And Jimmy Fallon does not need the competition.

Mumbletypeg May 29, 2012 at 12:15 pm

do you care what Google thinks of you?

{no snark} I've gone to Google enough in the last hour that a new blue banner has begun gracing the top of its homepage on my browser, asking: "Come Here Often?…" Hmmm.

Callyson May 29, 2012 at 12:25 pm

All you need to do is wear a t-shirt in support of an energy project for two hours during the public meeting. We will be departing the Tinely Park convention center at 8:15 am for the meeting and we will be back by 1:30 pm. For your time we will pay you $50 cash and provide you lunch once we return to the convention center.

That amounts to about $10/hour. And you know they did not bother with any pesky irritations such as filling out any forms for the IRS…

TribecaMike May 30, 2012 at 2:18 am

When the going gets rough, a real man wipes the Santorum off his chin and proclaims, "I am somebody!" This is one of those times.

nonbeliever7 May 29, 2012 at 11:29 am

Sounds complicated. I hope there's a movie or something.

MosesInvests May 29, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Actually, Eru Illuvatar had the Valar and the Maiar sing the world into being at the beginning of the First Age-but he bent the seas after the rebellion of Ar-Pharazon the Golden towards the end of the Second Age.

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