rumors on the internets

Google Thinks We’re Dumb And Lets Glenn Beck Take Over the Internet

Wahhhhtch my webseries!Happy day after a long weekend! Here’s a list of news items that’ll likely bring upon a series of existential questions upon you – do you care what Google thinks of you? Would you sell your soul for coal? Are you going to watch Glenn Beck’s series for the laughs? Think hard on that one. It costs money now.
  • According to the writer of a new book about the Internet, Google thinks we’re stupid. Just because I had to look up what year Hart’s War came out, they think they can judge me like that? [The Daily Beast]
  • The coal industry is buying fans by paying people to wear T-shirts supporting them at an EPA meeting. Surprisingly, those shirts don’t say anything like, “We’re made out of DINOSAURS! HOW AWESOME IS COAL?!” [Grist]
  • Do you brag about being part Native American? Do you help out the community on a political, social, or cultural scale — or do you just want to be able to get away with a Pocahantas costume for Halloween? [Slate]
  • Glenn Beck has a webseries! It sounds…like a super awkward sketch show. Like SNL when the host is not known for being funny, being in anything funny, or ever having made a joke. [The Atlantic]

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54 comments

  1. Barb

    The coal industry would like to send us all canary suits to wear.
    "Honey, did you order a large cage on wheels?"

    1. weejee

      Those douches leave me snarkless again. The coal industry wants us to put their soot (aka fly ash) into our concrete and they have convinced (spelled ¢$€£¥) the dolts at Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design (LEED) that doing so is green. Well perhaps it is better than things like the Kingston spill, but there is little to no data on the leaching of nasties¹ from fly ash into the reservoir that holds your drinking water. Maybe they'll start looking at that when we have moar babies with six heads.

      1. Things like arsenic, beryllium, cadmium, barium, chromium, copper, lead, mercury, molybdenum, nickel, radium, selenium, thorium, uranium, vanadium, and zinc. Dioxins and PAH compounds, too, also

  2. actor212

    Hey, Sluggo! How was your weekend?

    I'm Native American! I was born here, raised here, and never ran off to the Dominican to fuck little boys!

  3. freakishlywrong

    When you have to pay people to support you, URDOINGITRNG. And fuck the assholes who sold themselves for $60.00.

      1. finallyhappy

        wow, I have volunteered for political campaigns where I was lent the shirt or had to pay $10 while marching in a parade or canvassing for them. Proves we Dems are poor or cheap

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      You are stardust
      Billion year old carbon
      You are golden
      Caught in the devils bargain
      And you've got to get yourself
      Back to the garden

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        Dark star crashes
        pouring its light
        into ashes

        Reason tatters
        the forces tear loose
        from the axis

        Searchlight casting
        for faults in the
        clouds of delusion

        shall we go,
        you and I
        While we can?
        Through
        the transitive nightfall
        of diamonds

        1. Generation[redacted]

          I am made from the dust of the starts
          And the oceans flow in my veins
          Here I hide in the heart of a city
          Like a stranger coming out of the rain

  4. anniegetyerfun

    I am pretty confident that I don't have the slightest bit of Native American blood in me. My mom immigrated from Europe and my dad's family are all a bunch of racist Canadians. Also, I have no cheekbones.

  5. SorosBot

    Sigh. Coal is not made from dinosaurs; it's made from trees, primarily from the Carboniferous period which ended about fifty million years before the dinosaurs.

    1. finallyhappy

      yeah, but what about diamonds- can I make diamonds from coal if I have super strength?

    2. OurHoboSenator

      Everybody knows that Jesus made coal 6000 years ago. And if you disagree, you are discriminating against my religion!

    3. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Actually, coal was made by God with the rest of the Earth no more than 10,000 years ago. As was oil. (And if you think it came from prehistoric jungles, then how did all the oil and gas get to Alaska and under the Arctic Ocean?)

      1. SorosBot

        There's no such thing as plate tectonics, the Earth was set in its' current shape after the big flood where god killed everyone!

        1. nonbeliever7

          That's also when god made the world round. He was bored with the flat look and decided to redecorate just a bit. Let's hope he doesn't have a cubist mood.

          1. SorosBot

            I believe that Eru Ilúvatar made the world round towards the end of the Second Age, after the Númenóreans attempted to attack Valinor under the influence of Sauron, and demand that this theory be taught in the schools alongside the so-called science!

          2. MosesInvests

            Actually, Eru Illuvatar had the Valar and the Maiar sing the world into being at the beginning of the First Age-but he bent the seas after the rebellion of Ar-Pharazon the Golden towards the end of the Second Age.

    4. pdiddycornchips

      Made from trees? So it's exactly like charcoal which is far preferable to gas when BBQ steaks and burgers. That toxic smoke is delicious!

    5. Generation[redacted]

      But I can still pull into the gas station and say, "Filler up with dino-juice" right? 'cause I like saying that.

    6. Ducksworthy

      Oh. And the gooey hydrocarbon stuff? Turn's out that it isn't dinosaurs either. Rock planets like this one just come with a certain (finite) amount of it.

  6. YasserArraFeck

    Fifty million years from now, those huge lakes of Glenn Beck's tears will have been converted into vast grease deposits, ready for our future lube-based economy.

    1. Beowoof

      Well the future stories of working the Astro-Glide mines are something to look forward to.

  7. Ruhe

    For $60 I'd wear a shirt that says "Coal: The "fuck the future" fuel!" Sadly, I think that message might actually be effective.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Frankly, if messages on tee shirts really shaped opinions, we'd all be having nice days and loving NY. Also, too, $60 dollars in coal country is like a month's pay. Ever been to West Virginia or Kentucky?

      1. Ruhe

        Born, raised and still living in KY, just a bit north of Coal Country. I do know where all the electricity comes from though and it's a conundrum for us all.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    My ancestors got here to the US too late to participate in the slaughter of and miscegenation with the Native Americans, but I'd sure like to get a piece of that sweet sweet casino action.

    1. finallyhappy

      Pretty sure, you can still marry an Indian – however, there are so many different tribal laws(because there are so many tribes)- that you might not get into the action.

  9. freakishlywrong

    Turds like Beck just keep circling the bowl and never seem quite to flush. These demagogic fuckwits will never go away.

  10. James Michael Curley

    If you bought one of them strangely shaped black, carbony things because some dude on Fifth Ave. told you it was a newly discovered diamond, your ship came in! Just last weeks de Beers reached the end of its fight against the class action. de Beers Settlement
    Of course, you'll get a check for a buck and a quarter and the lawyers get twelve million diamonds.

  11. BarackMyWorld

    Here's the real question: What does Cory Booker think about Elizabeth Warren saying she's part Native American?

  12. BerkeleyBear

    Google doesn't think we are stupid. It noes it, with seerch reekwests liiiiike theese for Obamaz a Qenyan.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Glenn Beck has a webseries! It sounds…like a super awkward sketch show. Like SNL when the host is not known for being funny, being in anything funny, or ever having made a joke.

    And Jimmy Fallon does not need the competition.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    do you care what Google thinks of you?

    {no snark} I've gone to Google enough in the last hour that a new blue banner has begun gracing the top of its homepage on my browser, asking: "Come Here Often?…" Hmmm.

  15. Callyson

    All you need to do is wear a t-shirt in support of an energy project for two hours during the public meeting. We will be departing the Tinely Park convention center at 8:15 am for the meeting and we will be back by 1:30 pm. For your time we will pay you $50 cash and provide you lunch once we return to the convention center.

    That amounts to about $10/hour. And you know they did not bother with any pesky irritations such as filling out any forms for the IRS…

  16. TribecaMike

    When the going gets rough, a real man wipes the Santorum off his chin and proclaims, "I am somebody!" This is one of those times.

Comments are closed.