let's try this again

New Hampshire House Majority Leader Will Keep Resigning Until He Gets It Right

Like there is a differenceMaine New Hampshire House Majority Leader D.J. Bettencourt is super sorry he is such a lying shitweasel, and also so very lazy and slothful and piggish (all three). And in Maine New Hampshire, apparently, making up 11 weeks worth of detailed entries for the law internship you only actually spent one hour on is enough to get you dragged screaming from your lofty perch in the Maine New Hampshire leadership! At least when the law internship is with J. Brandon Giuda, a fellow Republican who, weirdly, does not resemble the crusty old coot we imagined when picturing the kind of Mainer New Hampshirite who would force a fellow GOPpy to resign from the House over pathologically lying his way through a little paperwork. Anyway, Giuda saw a Facebook picture of Bettencourt graduating from law school, and he had himself a righteous holy snit. FACEBOOOOOK!!!! He demanded Bettencourt resign from the House for “personal reasons,” and then fink on himself to the law school; instead of placing blame on himself and his “personal problems,” though, Bettencourt blamed the resignation on his upcoming wedding. Giuda was not nearly satisfied with such a weaselly resignation, one that sought to hide how “dishonorable” he was, and made Bettencourt resign again.

Bettencourt first said he would resign Friday under pressure from Giuda and House Speaker William O’Brien, R-Mont Vernon. The understanding the three men had was that Bettencourt would leave his post, acknowledging personal problems. He was then to report his misrepresentation to UNH School of Law officials.

Instead, Bettencourt cited his upcoming nuptials and a new job as the reason for his plan to resign June 6.

Giuda then threatened to release the full reports if Bettencourt did not leave the House immediately.

Giuda said he had one client willing to waive confidentiality to verify Bettencourt never met with them, despite the claim on the internship report. Bettencourt even lists meeting with clients at a location that no longer exists, and includes court dates that were never scheduled, Giuda said.

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“Some people have a personality defect; when they say something, they believe it to be true,” Giuda said. “He actually seems to believe the lies.”

So yeah, DJ Bettencourt had to resign from the Maine New Hampshire House twice in three days. Happy Memorial Day, Mainers New Hampshire! Please keep bringing us such lovely stories from your granite (?) shores (?).

UPDATE! You will note that your editrix got a reasonably important part of this story completely and totally wrong. She blames her upcoming wedding.

[BangorDailyNews via Wonkette operative "Rachel"]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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299 comments

        1. Barb

          I'm going to Home Depot to try to find some plants to fill in the empty spaces in my garden. I killed the peas and cucumbers. Damn desert sun!

          1. weejee

            Good luck on that, particularly the peas. I would think that growing them in New Mexico would be like trying to grow bougainvillea outdoors in Minnesota.

            Mrs. weejee does the gardening in our family since I have an incurable allergy to long-handled tools. She went nutso yesterday with the chainsaw taking out 4 twenty foot holly trees. Really opened & brightened things. Downside is that you can clearly see the north side of the house need painting.

          2. Mumbletypeg

            with the chainsaw taking out 4 twenty foot holly trees

            UGH. Tell her she has my sympathies, or in this case, empathies. And better problem-solving sense. I've been relying just on hand clippers.

          3. tessiee

            The guy who does the trees in my yard told me that you can kill off holly by clipping a branch, then applying clorox to the newly exposed cells using a q-tip.

          4. weejee

            I suggested napalm but couldn't convince the misses that surgical strikes were sufficiently accurate. She has drilled into the stumps and added some copper salt to staunch re-growth.

          5. starfanglednut

            Hi Weej! I'm confused about what went on that caused your departure, but it's great to see you back. I hope you know you have a supportive community here ;)

    1. UW8316154

      Hey weej, glad you're back, man. I cannot believe the serious weirdness that has been going on here. Happy Memorial Day and all that.

        1. UW8316154

          How was your Home Depot run? I need to go down there and pick up bags of sand ("broken bags for a buck") to put in the paddocks. It rains so much around here I constantly have to replensh or deal with wet, mucky mud. It double-duties as kitty litter for the barn cats.

          1. Barb

            I got the propane tank switched out. I didn't find any plants that I wanted. They are having a 7 day sale with all the $5.98 plants at 3/$10.00.

  1. DaSandman

    Yeah, since the right wing terrorists got into power under Governor Pot Roast Head we've had good times up here. If they ain't trying to fuck with average citizens, they are turning on one another like a group of meth fueled wolverines.

    Maine:the Mississippi of the North.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      If they ain't trying to fuck with average citizens, they are turning on one another like a group of meth fueled wolverines.

      SEXY HUGH JACKMAN LIBEL!!!

      1. Negropolis

        Hey, our rural residents resemble that remark!

        State of Michigan nickname libel!

  2. Beowoof

    Having attended law school with a bunch of lying republicans and living in a republican county in upstate NY, I find this lying to be a matter of daily life. His being forced to account for being a lying asshole is the unusual part of this story to me.

    1. deelzebub

      I am enjoying the fact that, after all that law school tuition, and even if UNH allows him to graduate-a BIG if in this situation, no state Bar will ever admit him. Congrats on your now useless, incredibly expensive education, Fucker!

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Eh, you'd be surprised. If the NH bar examiners are packed with GOP players, they'll claim it is an isolated incident and give him a slap on the wrist to preserve his "bright future." But yeah, it is Exhibit A of how to ensure you'll have a long and complicated effort to ever practice.

      2. Beowoof

        My favorite all time fuck up is the guy who was caught cheating on the NYS Bar Exam when I took it back in 1987. All that money for education and you will never be a NYS Lawyer.

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Man, I wish this guy had been involved in all Republican resignations (and those that SHOULD have been resigning) ever.

    Okay okay I AM a crook
    My stance is not really that wide, I just like anonymous cock in airports
    I like diapering prostitutes
    My parents paid for my affair with my best friend's wife
    I WAS AWOL when I was supposed to be in the Alabama Guard…

    on and on and on forever…

    1. anniegetyerfun

      "My stance is not really that wide, I just like anonymous cock in airports"

      I have a t-shirt that says this, oddly enough.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          No, just female and cock-hungry. But you're right, they probably shouldn't have let me into Seattle.

    2. sharethegrief

      My boss is a Dick. If I repeat the lie about yellow cake uranium, untold numbers of people will die.

    3. Wile E. Quixote

      I think my favorite was the guy in Florida who was busted in a park prostitution sting and gave the excuse that he only gave the officer money because he was black and thought it was a mugging.

    4. SayItWithWookies

      The mission isn't accomplished — and if past is prologue, it'll never be.

  4. ablington

    New Hampshire has lost it's moral compass ever since the Old Man fell off that mountain and all the disaffected Massachusetts Tea Party members moved there with their guns and liberty.

    1. glamourdammerung

      If only the Old Man had gotten more tax cuts, then he would not have left.

    2. starfanglednut

      When Palin came to Boston to have a rally on the anniversary of the Boston tea party, they had to bus those fuckers in from NH so she'd have an audience. You could see the buses lined up next to the common.

      It's extremely annoying to me that she appropriated a Boston event for her assinine "movement", while constantly belittling Massachusetts.

      1. CthuNHu

        It's extremely annoying to me that Romney appropriated a job in the Boston statehouse for four years for his assinine "campaign", while constantly belittling Massachusetts.

  5. SorosBot

    Wait, how is a third-year law student also a state house majority leader? Doesn't someone need, you know, experience to reach a leadership position? Plus isn't being a state legislator a full-time job that precludes going to school at the same time?

    1. frequency_one

      NH state reps get paid something like $400 per term. They all have to earn their money elsewhere or already have it. Great idea, huh????

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah, that doesn't sound like an open invitation to accepting bribes and other forms of corruption or anything.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          And the best part is, it lowers the cost of bribes. Free markets!

          At least that's my experience. When I've been exposed to city level bribery (second hand, fortunately) the price has been shockingly low owing to the fact they mainly get paid in "campaign contributions." At least Blago requested 50 grand and up for relatively minor appointments.

      2. CthuNHu

        $200 per term=$100 per year.

        There've been a few dozen student reps over the years, who shrink and/or carefully arrange their schedules so that it mostly works out. DJ didn't even finish the necessary courses in time, so he's below par there, too. He got to walk across the stage with a tube with no diploma in it, though, and get his picture taken with Olympia Snowe in his gown, because you're entitled to that kind of thing when you're a Republican.

        Yeah, rich, married to the adequately wealthy, lawyers, vaguely involved business owners, and busloads of the retired, some of them collecting pensions from their rear-echelon service in the Spanish-American War. That's the bulk of the Legislature right there.

    2. chascates

      Texas' lege meets only every 2 years to it's possible to hold down a job as a gun dealer or casket salesman while serving the state

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Experienced? You mean like the military experience of the average conservative? You chickenhawks crack me up.

          1. Wile E. Quixote

            803rd Armor, 1983 to 1996. I was a 19E and later a 19K. SIGINT,were you at the station on top of der Teufelberg?

          2. di_da_is_alpha

            Yup. Sub system Papa, O5D/H. The place has really gone to hell, from the pictures I've seen of it lately. Wish I'd snagged a piece of the Wall when I was there. A piece of the barracks too. They were in the process of building new facilities when I was there, but our barracks were the 1st SS Division's old barracks. Talk about ironic.

            Salute, and thank you for serving.

          3. Wile E. Quixote

            That had to be a Hell of a place to be. I had a CO who had served in Germany who told me that if the balloon had ever gone up that the life expectancy of the people in that station was going to be less than that of the guys at Checkpoint Alpha or the 11th ACR because the East Germans and Soviets were going to bomb the shit out of that place first thing so that they wouldn't have to worry about their communications being intercepted.

            I was in Berlin in 1999 and 2000. A lot had changed. Most of the Wall was gone by then and they were doing a lot to rebuild the east side. You could still tell where the Wall had been though because the neighborhoods on the east side were real shitholes compared to the west side. I was wandering through one of them one day and came across an abandoned East German officer's club with a statue of Lenin out front. I had been drinking a lot of beer that day and needed a place to get rid of it and there it was, a statue of Lenin. I hosed that thing down and enjoyed every second of the experience, and judging from the smell I definitely wasn't the first person to have done so.

            The first time I was in Berlin was May of 1999, just after the 50th anniversary of the end of the Berlin Airlift. I was staying in a hotel by Tempelhof and went down to the monument. I didn't understand why the monument at Tempelhof and the one at the Frankfurt airport were shaped the way they were until I translated the German word for the airlift, which was "Luftbrücke", or "air bridge". You would not believe how many flowers there were on that thing, even 50 years later people still remembered and were grateful.

          4. di_da_is_alpha

            There were rumors that MI people would be shot by our own guys to keep from giving info to the enemy in case of war, but I was pretty sure then, and even more so now, that it was BS. Just something the old timers came up with to fuck with NUGs.

            The worst thing about being stationed there was not being able to see the rest of W Germany anytime you wanted. Unless you owned your own car or cared to pay through the nose for civilian airline tickets, you were stuck riding the duty train, which only traveled at night. Since I worked nights I'd have had to have gone to Frankfurt on Wednesday night, arriving Thursday morning, and would have had to catch the returning train early Thursday evening. Not even a night to hit the bars.

            As far as Berlin itself, I remember the downtown area being all new, except for a bombed out church steeple, and the architecture being very strange, like something from the 23rd century. Unfortunately, I spent way too much time getting drunk in either the barracks or the Hofbrauhaus. Live and learn.

            And double thanks for pissing on Lenin's statue. :-)

            EDIT: When I said the place has gone to hell, I meant the Field Station, not Berlin. And I hope our civil exchange (after the opening cheap shots) doesn't create any friction between you and our Wonkette brothers and sisters. I'll leave you alone now. Maybe we can get together and discuss armored tactics on a neutral site sometime. You have my best wishes, and I sincerely mean that.

          5. Dashboard_Jesus

            oh, and being an ignorant, unconscious tool of the US Dept of War and a whore of the military-industrial complex that has fucked this planet for over 100 years only means you are a fool, nothing else…but it's nice to know you continue to suck off the 'socialist' ' govt tit for many years like so many Repiglickin retards…lemme guess, you get FREE health care for life from the socialist VA right? asshole

          6. Dashboard_Jesus

            I spit on YOU do-do-dickus for serving in the 101st Fightin' Chickenhawk Keyboard Brigade…your 'service' to the country is pathetic and only a cowardly ignorant asshole like you would brag about it….and I serve my cuntry every day by mocking chickenshit chickenhawk morons like you, also too

      2. SorosBot

        Yeah, like Obama; you know, the former community organizer, law school professor, Illinois and US Senator. Dude has a shitload of experience.

        Oh, but I forget what you morons are really saying what you claim Obama has no experience, facts be damned; "huh huh, but he's a negro!" Then the movement that actually has the gall to deny the proven reality of global climate change or even fucking evolution has no ties to reality.

        1. di_da_is_alpha

          Dude has shit for experience is more like it. Community organizer? Yeah, Al Capone was a community organizer too. US Senator? One who did nothing but vote "present" when he bothered to show for any of his half a term. And his college experience seems to be somewhat dubious, at best.

          What's really funny though, is you pretending to know what's in my heart. Racist? Hahahah What's racist is hiding a failed political philosophy behind the color of someone's skin.

          1. SorosBot

            You have no idea what a community organizer is, do you? Note that it's something to be proud of, not something to mock. And you prove that you know nothing by alluding to the completely discredited conspiracy theories about Obama's non-dubious college experience.

            And hey, some of us have memory; you've trolled here before and proven yourself to be a giant huge flaming racist. And a moron – you've even admitted to being a fucking creationist, which means you are so stupid that it's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.

    3. Terry

      It's a small state and everyone with crony connections had already had their turn as majority leader.

  6. iburl

    I think of Maine as more lobsterly with people wearing Gorton's fisherman hats and New Hampshire as more redneck face-punchy, other than that, not sure if there is a difference.

  7. anniegetyerfun

    New Hampshire House Majority Leader D.J. Bettencourt… is a third year law student? Do they not have, like, grown men there?

  8. memzilla

    He should use Chickenhawk Cheney's excuse for ducking 'Nam, that he had better things to do with his time.

  9. ttommyunger

    "Dear Rebecca; it's OK to get the Wonkette Articles wrong, nobody reads them anyway, just get the Honeymoon right: lights off, missionary position only, through a hole in the sheet, kissing is alright, but no tongue." – sincerely, Mittens.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        "I stand by whatever the article said originally, even though I don't remember what it was, but I'm sure it was right."

  10. proudgrampa

    Maine, New Hampshire, what's the diff?

    "Facts? I don' got to show you no stinkin' facts!"

  11. An_Outhouse

    Wait, he's marrying his rent boy? Finally conservative values achieve consistency. Where's he getting married MA or NY?

    1. CthuNHu

      He could do it right here in New Hampshire, the first state to legalize marriage equality the old-fashioned way: by having a bill pass both houses of the legislature and get signed by the governor.

      But no, he's marrying a female lady person. Who just happens to have a job in the Speaker's office.

      1. Negropolis

        Wasn't this crop of tea-flavored legislators trying to overturn the bill or force a referendum before they figured out that people up there just don't hate the gays enough for it to be beneficial to the GOP?

  12. Come here a minute

    This is the kind of sloppy reporting I have come to expect from Bangor, New Hampshire.

  13. AddHomonym

    Upcoming wedding? Who's the lucky (?) guy (?)

    (Sorry. I just wanted to mirror your question-marks-in-parentheses thing.)

  14. BerkeleyBear

    OK – this douche bag weaseled his way up to the No. 2 slot in the state GOP, leaned on a colleague to give him an internship, welshed on his duties, lied about it to the law school, lied about why he was quitting, and his penalty for all that is getting the top post at a non-profit founded by the Speaker of the NH House.

    Yuck – that is some Illinois/Louisiana grade filth.

    1. CthuNHu

      …and his penalty for all that is getting the top post at a non-profit founded by the Speaker of the NH House.

      Not exactly.

      Right now there's uncertainty as to whether the Speaker gave him that job as additional cover for his resignation due to marriage and a new job, which would (joyously) implicate the Speaker in rewarding fraudulent behavior and attempting a full-blown coverup.

      The best-case scenario for the Speaker's reputation would be that DJ already had the job before this blew up.

      In any case, this bright-eyed young lad with so brilliant a future in NH politics (gag) now has no future, and is significantly unlikely to keep this job, as no one will give any credence to any institution that would hire him, and the fear, respect and/or deference given to A) anyone associated with the Speaker and B) fringe freestater/teanut groups of this ilk was already rocketing downward like a North Korean moonshot.

      So yes, we're all particularly pleased up here that this crew of reprobates have begun to collect their just rewards.

      1. CthuNHu

        Followup!

        DJ is an unperson. His bio has been scrubbed.

        Boy, one hour as a legal intern, one day as an executive director — this guy's got what it takes to be governor (of Alaska)!

    2. deelzebub

      Please, as an Illinois girl, this loser's attempt at IL/LA filth is adorable. Look at him, with his big boy pants on….thinking he knows how to run some slimy political maneuvers. So precious. Here's how it is done right- http://wondermark.com/782/

      1. BerkeleyBear

        It isn't quite as grubby as two contractors secretly agreeing to list each others' wives as the minority subcontractor so everyone gets a piece of a roofing deal no matter who "wins", but I thought it was pretty nifty.

        And I wanna vote for that candidate in the cartoon. Or at least party with him.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    your editrix…blames her upcoming wedding

    Oh. Then I guess from here on out those hair-braiding sessions w/ KBJ become strictly fantasies — but I will continue to imagine y'all finding relaxytime/ female editor-bonding / mutual moral support rituals anyways apart from romantic conquests of the opposite sex.. Isn't it pretty to think so?

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Well that is good news for those of us looking forward to meeting you as the wonkette caravan makes pit stops for meetups approaching the primary/ election season! My next thought was how wedding plans could interfere with the earlier announced trans-continental shin-digs I'm sure many here are gearing up for.

      1. SorosBot

        I'm kind of hoping the SF meetup Rebecca mentioned comes during the week I'll be staying with MissTaken out there.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          Yes. You both deserve at least that much.
          I reckon I take for granted living so close to DC enables me to be within reach of a get-together, it is such a joy seeing folks face to face. Glad on West Coast's behalf that odds are increased for such events to give them this opportunity as well.

        2. Crank_Tango

          Wait, we're actual people? I thought I was just a bot programmed to say "too soon!" every so often…

          Anyway, when is said meeting up?

          1. Designer_Radio

            Too soon!

            BTW HistoriCat (if that is your real name), I saw a picture this morning on FB involving a cat and I thought about you and linking to it, but then I went and did something else… WE NEED INSTANT MESSAGING, INTENSE DEBATES!!!1! Sorry, didn't mean to yell.

    2. chascates

      You're giving us guys hope! Hey everybody, click on the ads here so Rebecca's son can quit his paper route an selling pop bottles!

      1. UW8316154

        How 'bout those "What do you think?" surveys that are over on the right? Do you get munneez when I answer those, too? I like to respond that I have "never heard of Sarah Palin" in an effort to throw the results. Is that wrong? Please advise.

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            So I could have traded in my ignorance about her for some sweet Ameros back in 2008? Damn, did ever miss my chance!

          2. Butch_Wagstaff

            I had the same reaction as most people back when she was chosen to be GOP VP candidate:
            "Sarah who?"
            Never had any idea that the VP nomination would show her to be the petty, narcissistic, knows-nothing-about-politics-or-much-of-anything-else harridan that she is.

          3. Designer_Radio

            Yeah, I remember driving back from a Labor Day vacation with my dad, him talking about it. He's a good liberal boy like me, so he was bemused and trying to make sense of what the media was saying about her, which was mostly, "Huh?" or "Hmm…".

          4. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Not knowing who Palin is would be worth a fortune today. You should have hung onto your ignorance . . . it's rare, and they're not making any more of it.

      2. flamingpdog

        I think Ken Layne retired on the proceeds of all the clicks I made on the Kortney ad.

    3. Barb

      Just cuz she ain't getting married doesn't mean that we aren't going to have a bachelorette party.

    4. rickmaci

      "I AM NOT REALLY GETTING MARRIED YOU GUYS. AS IF! HAHA!"

      Anyone who has met you will chuckle over the touch of humility 'cause, as a simple declarative point, you are fawkin' hoottttt. And that is not just me being an obsequious on line stalker. LOL.

  16. Callyson

    “Some people have a personality defect; when they say something, they believe it to be true…actually seems to believe the lies.”

    Yes…we call those people Republican office holders.

  17. SorosBot

    Almost an hour and a half after the initial post, there's still only 32 comments up; I'm guessing most people went to the beach for the holiday weekend. (Me, I am going to a barbeque today, but not until later this afternoon).

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Is it an indoor BBQ? I ask because Puget Sound weather keeps changing the outlook for the weekend. "It's going to be great! Did we say "great"? We meant, "just OK"! Did we say "OK?" We meant "cold and windy, motherfuckers!"."

      1. SorosBot

        Indoor BBQ? That's a little nuts. If it were rainy, my dad would move the grill to the covered porch and do it there; but it looks like it will be mostly hot, humid and sunny, though with a possible thunderstorm or two here.

  18. chascates

    I wish they all would keep resigning until they get it right.

    Also, hasn't that famous NH rock (Old Man Winter?) crumbled into dust, like our democracy?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      They have famous rocks there? I can't believe I am missing out on that kind of fun!

    1. HistoriBarb

      In the old days, if you weren't up to the job your slave would help you fall on your sword before killing himself. This is why we should repeal the Thirteenth Amendment.

  19. commiegirl

    Oh, Detroiters? I have not forgotten about you, but I did forget to write down the suggestions for a bar for our Drinky Thing. We are looking for somewhere a) fun, and b) mellow, that will c) let us reserve some space.

    Anybody got one?

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      I haven't been to Detroit for a while but I once went to bar down town to watch Iggy Pop and the Stooges play. Don't go to that bar.

        1. Monsieur_Grumpe

          No this bar came pre-destroyed. There was no furniture. Just a bar and a stage. Good times.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I know we've got at least four of five Wonkers here in NYC. And no shortage of good bars.
        (Post your email in pieces in separate posts, and you'll be safe from the sitescrapers.)

        1. starfanglednut

          Sounds good! I think I'll set up a gmail just for this purpose, so if things get weird ( a troll gets ahold of it or whatever), I can just delete it, and my private email will be safe.

  20. C_R_Eature

    New Hampshire: "Live Free or Die and misrepresent work as work you performed for attorney (J. Brandon) Giuda and resign and resign."

    Yeah, try fitting that on the license plates.

  21. MosesInvests

    Only slightly OT-seen on a car in NH-a fake license plate saying "New Hampshire. Live, freeze and die."

      1. tessiee

        When I was growing up, the name of the local Mental Home was Graystone. So, if someone did something goofy or crazy, the standard line was "call Graystone…"
        [and tell them to send a truck, and tell them someone just escaped, etc.]. But I have to say that Graystone is the most perfect name for a Mental Home that I could possibly imagine.

        1. finallyhappy

          We had Byberry in Philly – and now here in Dc- St. E's(the nickname for St. Elizabeth's)

        2. anniegetyerfun

          Sort of Games of Thrones-y, though. Which also applies, as everyone in that is mental.

  22. mrblifil

    In Hartford, Hereford, and New Hampshire hurricanes hardly happen.

    whereas…

    The "aine" in "Maine" seems to have sprained Rebecca's brain.

    Upcoming wedding? Did you book two honeymoon destinations in case there is confusion?

  23. OneYieldRegular

    Is it possible to hire DJ Bettencourt for weddings? I mean, as long as he doesn't insist on playing Barbra Streisand's "Somewhere" during the groom & groom slow dance.

  24. GemlikeFlame

    I don't see the problem here, he's demonstrated many of the fine qualities shared by our Republican leadership both now and in the past. And that self-destructive urge is just world-class. I say skip the resignation, that's boy's got K Street written all over him.

    Get him a prominent role in an O'Keefe smear video and you've got gold, people.

  25. Dashboard Buddha

    Maine and New Hampshire –

    NH –
    If you're coming in from the 95 north/south, some of the first things you'll see are signs for the state liquor store and porn shops. (at my old office in Portsmouth, I could hit three with a well thrown rock) If you're coming in from the west, you'll see signs for liquor stores and fireworks.

    NH has a higher percentage of tax crazed douchebags. Everyone in New England who thinks they shouldn't pay for things like roads and shit eventually moves to NH. Plus, on my daily commute, I saw more NH cars with Teabagger stickers than any other NE state. To be fair, northern Maine has it's share of tax-y/teabagger douchebags as well, but they have not yet mastered the compass well enough to find their way to NH.

    NH has nicer beaches…if you like that sort of thing. Maine has fewer, but overall a way cooler coastline. Both have good mountains, but as someone who is not a mountain fan, meh.

    On average, Maine has a lower IQ, but that's because we have to include the paste eaters above Bangor.

    Both have an inordinate amount of snowmobiles, 4-wheelers, mud covered pickup trucks, racists and rednecks. I suspect there is a correlation.

    Portland is bigger, cooler, and more fun than Portsmouth…even if we do have more people looking for spare change.

    NH is the "Tick of New England". It's tax-free douchebaggery drains money from those out-of-state businesses on the border (except for Kittery for some reason), it charges you a dollar to go one mile on the Interstate, it freely sells porn, liquor, and fireworks* as long as you take your sinning ways back to the hell-state you came from…in short, the state is filled with small, medium, and large grubby shopkeepers that will dick you out of your money any way possible.

    *Protip: When buying your fireworks in NH, be aware that MA, VT, and ME state police will almost certainly have unmarked cars looking for cars from their state. They then radio ahead to their siblings in arms back home to keep a lookout for you. The good news is that this mostly happens during the big summer holidays so shop early and once out of view of the cops, transfer the goods to a friend's car.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      New Hampshire is the state chosen by Ron Paulians as their target for the Libertarian Utopia, which may go some way to explaining all the baggery, maybe?

      Although that seems a little organized for most bong-addled acolytes of Rand.

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        I had forgotten about the Paul colony they hoped to start here. Good call.

    2. Dashboard Buddha

      Addendum 2 –

      The Old Man in the Mountain fell off his perch a few years ago, so fuck NH.

      1. chascates

        Isn't NH full of natives who won't consider you a neighbor unless you were really born there? Or is that Vermont?

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          That's pretty much all of NE…except for maybe CT. In fact, if it were not for the fact that I'm marrying into a family that have been on this island forever, I would be pretty much persona non grata…until I rescued a child from a burning building or something, and even then I would only get invited to stuff out of politeness.

          1. Dashboard Buddha

            Everyone thinks so, but it's just a place, y'know? My street looks like any other kind of middle class neighborhood. I have to take a ferry to anything 'in town'. I learned how profound this is when I ran out of printer paper a while back. I had just moved here and I thought, well crap, I'll just pop over to staples. Then it dawned on me…if our local store doesn't have it (they do carry booze though!), there's no "popping" out for any thing. Even a trip to a large grocery store requires timing and planning, especially when frozen stuff is needed.

            But, other than that, it is pretty ok. I have always "wanted to live on a small island off of the coast of the United States". I'm more of a ocean guy than mountain guy. I should be starting a new job this week and I'll be paying to park my car in town (135/month) so we'll see how this next phase progresses.

          2. Dashboard Buddha

            None, unless you pay the island taxi to get it for you…add to that the already exorbitantly prices they charge for a pie and you might as well walk down to the store, or if you live 'out back', jump into your cart/car.

    3. tessiee

      "Everyone in New England who thinks they shouldn't pay for things like roads and shit"

      *raises hand*
      I for one am OK with paying for roads, but I don't feel that I should have to pay for shit.

      1. LetUsBray

        Doesn't your local water district perform duties such as shit removal in the form of sewage treatment, etc.?

        Shit removal is worth paying for, in my opinion. I realize that makes makes me a soshulist Marxist Islamofascist Kenyan anti-colonialist Seekrit Mooslim, but that's just how I roll, man.

      2. Chichikovovich

        You've misread the grammar, I think. DB means that the people in New Hampshire think they shouldn't pay for things like roads and they shouldn't shit. Or perhaps that they shouldn't shit after they pay for things like roads. There is a bit of ambiguity there, it's true.

    4. Wile E. Quixote

      So basically New Hampshire is a the stanky, unwashed, sales-tax-free taint between Massachusetts and Maine?

    5. finallyhappy

      I always like the Common Man chain- but have only been in the Concord one and the one open in summer at Lake Wippawhopasomthing(you know the one I mean) and Stonyfield yogurt

    6. NYNYNYjr

      Fewer nice beaches in Maine? NH's coastline is as long as my arm…Maine's is huge- If you're talking about lake beaches too- c'mon– Maine has so freaking many. Portland vs Portsmouth, you're quite right. Portsmouth is really cute- but its like powerwashed, and freshly painted and I think they put out poison for the homeless. The people above Bangor… I wish someone would give them the bus fare to to Arizona…

      1. vtxmcrider

        Ogunquit Beach in Maine is better than any beach on the short NH coast. And I am mighty surprised that the rabid NC pastor has not gotten the idea to put an electrified fence around that beach and that town — especially in the summer. Good times all around!

      2. Dashboard Buddha

        Well sir, you are correct. Apparently Maine has 75 miles of beach (the other 3000+ miles is rock) whereas NH's beach length is 18 miles. I'm sure other websites will have other figures…but Maine for the win!

        "poison for the homeless" – Not so much poison as much as a mild irritant that makes them want to go elsewhere.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Ford should want to be like him. Cory Booker is the most important Democrat in the country, ever. Everything he says should be talked about for weeks and weeks.

  26. Tommmcattt

    “I’m doing what I have to do to rid the House of a dishonorable person,” Giuda said.

    Brought a pocket-sized nuclear weapon along to the session, didja?

  27. DerrickWildcat

    Off Topic again: There's probably a lot of you watching the Ukraine vs. Estonia match right now too, so have you noticed the soundtrack? Weird isn't it? I think it's a Polish feed. I have never ever heard a Basketball, Soccer, Football…or whateverball with a constant music drone in the background. It sounds like music in a video game where you are just sneaking around in a tunnel or something. No action, just ominous.
    I think this is the wave of the future. Soundtracks for sports! I think my friends Phil Glass and Brian Eno should get allover this.

  28. Rotundo_

    Lying shitweasel, in political discourse as vital a phrase as "family values" or "free markets". And mostly equivalent.

  29. BlueStateLibel

    OT: I took Editrix's advice to go OUTSIDE and went hiking. A FOUR-FOOT black snake slithered across the path about three feet away from us and I almost died (not really; it was actually really cool).

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Shouldn't posts about FOUR-FOOT black snakes go in the thread about Barack tucking Michelle into bed?

    2. Blueb4sunrise

      I saw a Gila Monster yesterday. It was going into a gated apartment complex on the edge of town.

    3. deanbooth

      I worked at an Arkansas fish hatchery when I was 18 (pre-PETA). I was assigned the job of pulling the snakes out of the net and whipsnapping their heads off.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      OK, enough Wonkette, I have to leave the house, if anything because I need to buy more hand lotion and Kleenex.

    2. chascates

      OK, now we'll have to have another bar-thing in LA. I'll be accepting donations for travel there and will need a place to stay for a day or two.

    3. anniegetyerfun

      I HAVE to figure out a way to get my ass to Los Angeles. I want to live somewhere where it's not remarkable to have 80F weather. We pretty much throw a party every time we get a nice day here in the northwest, and I am getting a little fucking tired of it.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Wow. Who could have anticipated that D.J. Bettencourt would fall so far so fast.

    2. Blueb4sunrise

      The article seems to say that the drug issue was related to why the eater was naked, not to why he was eating someone.

    3. chascates

      I've dropped psychedelics something like 140-150 times and have never had the desire in engage in cannibalism. Eating anything at all was pretty much of a Sisyphean task. Most of the time is spent either in solitary mind trips or bouts of continuous laughter.

      Sounds more like PCP mixed with schizophrenia to me.

    4. Rotundo_

      It's not the heat, it's the drug crazed lunatics, rednecks, lethal wildlife, imported pests competing with the lethal wildlife, and great government! that make Florida the paradise it is. Best enjoyed from 10,000 feet and above at great speed. Or more simply: So fucked up that if it were a carribean island the Castro brothers would be sending foreign aid there.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        One of my cousins lives near Sarasota and is thinking about moving back to Kansas (where he grew up). He makes gobs of money (yes, even now) so I wanted to say to him "You really think your only choices is either staying in FL or moving back to KS?"

        1. HistoriBarb

          At this point, I think the only place which hasn't had a story about the crazed antics of the locals is Hawaii. As if anyone needed yet another reason to consider moving to Hawaii.

    5. Dashboard Buddha

      So, the zombie apocalypse begins in South Florida? I can't say I'm surprised.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Yeah, all it takes is one hillbilly seeing his baby mama lurching around…

          Hillbilly: Lurlene! Honey…let me help you!

          Lurlene: grawwwww

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            Great. Now I have the image of pregnant hillbilly zombies lurching around.
            The major problem, I think, would be you'd often not be able to tell the non-zombie hillbillies from the zombie hillbillies.

            What? I can say such things because I grew up surrounded by hillbillies!

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        I had forgotten about Red Meat. Thank you for reminding me of its existence.

    6. starfanglednut

      Thing is, I was stupid/masochistic enough to watch some security cam footage of the incident (mostly obscured by concrete something), and it looked like both parties were naked. So who knows whats up with that.

      1. weejee

        chascates is likely correct about the drug of choice being phencyclidine, but perhaps it was PCP a video of Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz having ghey sex. This gives a whole new meaning to the Urban Dictionary definitions of a facial.

    7. cheetojeebus

      What gets me, is why face? If you want to eat people why face? I'm thinking bicep? thigh? Pecs are probably good eatin' but face? all that cartilage and squishy stuff? No thanks.

    8. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hmm… two homeless men, naked and all over each other, and one starts chewing on the other? This charming incident practially screams "PCP". (The fact that it reads like a collaboration between Stephen King and Carl Hiaasen merely suggests "Florida".)

      The Floriduh cop yammering about LSD is making it up as he goes along, and he's not doing a very good job of it.

  30. OContrair

    When we fuck up in New Hampstah we want the world to know. Maine can't take the credit, sorry. They got the beach, after all.

  31. Chow Yun Flat

    “Some people have a personality defect; when they say something, they believe it to be true,” Giuda said. “He actually seems to believe the lies.”

    Other people, like Dick Cheney, don't care whether a statement is true or not. It just has to work to start a war to kill Arabs.

  32. Negropolis

    I think the difference between Maine and New Hampshire is simply the number of bears. I could be wrong, though.

    BTW, there is such thing as too much democracy, and it can be seen by the fact that the state with the population less than that of the city of Philadelphia has a house of reps. with 400 'effing members, for goodness sake. Hell, we got a house here in Michigan of 110, and it seems like ten too many. This is especially true given that New Hampshire already has powerful local government (i.e. towns). Like my state, there is not a single inch of land without an associate local government.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      When every nutty point of view has a voice in the house, and gets to waste the time and energy of the entire government, you get paralysis at best, and stupid legislation at worst. I'm surprised that NH hasn't yet sent anybody off to Hawaii for "proof" of Obama's birth. (Being cranky Yankee tightwads, they probably just balked at the cost of the plane tickets.)

  33. Negropolis

    The gang that couldn't resign straight. Poor things. They're just Republicans; they can't help it.

  34. TribecaMike

    Has he blamed his travails on gays, lesbians and abortionites yet? If not, he isn't a true right winger and thus will be relegated to Dante's Fifth Circle of Meh with all the other miscreant bores.

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