BEDTIME STORIES  9:30 pm May 26, 2012

So Sorry, You Will Need To Change Your Panties Now

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

hopeychangeysexyWhat’s up, Michelle Obama? Does your husband, the president, love you so much and is ridiculously sexy about it?

“We have a ritual where he tucks me in, because I’m usually in bed before anybody,” the First Lady spilled. “He’ll come and turn the lights out and give me a kiss, and we’ll talk. He’s like, Ready to be tucked? I’m like, Yes I am.’”

Leave your bedtime fan-fic in the comments. [NYDN, via Wonkette operative "chascates"]

 
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{ 550 comments }

Schmannnity May 26, 2012 at 9:34 pm

And then he sings, ♫♫ lay lady lay, lay across my big Lincoln Bed♫♫

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Better that than Big Ten Inch Record.

Left_Leftie May 27, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Uh, even better, continue reading the linked story and you'll discover Prez likes to sing LMFAO in the shower.

BerkeleyBear May 27, 2012 at 6:48 pm

He's sexy and he knows it? Just imagine how many crackers will call him "uppity" for that.

LionHeartSoyDog May 28, 2012 at 1:23 am

Who wouldn't kick who out of bed for eating crackers?
Wut?Duh?Flock?
Please to clarify.

Barb May 26, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Me, me, Barack! I need a good tucking.

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Cool typo there, Barb!

Oh, it wasn't a typo?

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:02 pm

TYVM, pdog, you got EVUHbody on Wonketz to prick their ears.

EARS, I said, prick their EARS.

Fare la Volpe May 26, 2012 at 10:09 pm

I'm glad you changed back to Mittborg. I can deal with the Romneytron 5000 looming over me, but Ann's lifeless botox face was just too much.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Thanks, sweetie. She was driving me crazy myself. Something about that expensive yet stupid face. Got rid of the old MechanicalMitt and replaced him with the CLOWN he ought to dress up as.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Wow, even as a clown, Mittens looks like a sourpuss…

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I wish someone would photoshop his dick in his ear. "What? I can't hear you."

738838 May 28, 2012 at 8:42 am

Prick their ARSE?

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Well … they're not fussy.

JustPixelz May 27, 2012 at 7:09 am

A few years ago I got in the habit of ending my emails at work with a quick, informal "ty" … until the day I accidentally discovered how close the "F" key is to the "T".

sewollef May 27, 2012 at 9:27 am

diagonals dont count…. up and downs and side to sides do.

Whenever my editors and proofreaders shout at me, that's what I tell 'em as I walk away, all big and bad.

BelleSC May 27, 2012 at 8:20 am

oooo, baby. I need Michelle's direct phone number so I can call and tell her if she ever decides to leave him to give him my phone number.

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Roses are red and ready for plucking
You're our Barb and ready for tucking

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Aw! DB! That is SO CUTE!

Who can I use it on?

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Thank ye. The original goes:

Roses are red and ready for plucking
You're 15 and ready for highschool.

It's always a winner at gatherings with family.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Dear God! If anyone ever recited anything like that in front of my fucking family, they'd be lucky to escape alive with all parts intact!

Buckminster May 26, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Lord, I think the First Lady is channeling us!

TribecaMike May 27, 2012 at 1:17 am

She sends my chakras into a swirl.

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Michelle…channels…

be right back

StarsUponThars May 26, 2012 at 9:38 pm

oh, tuck me, tuck me hard!

Boojum May 28, 2012 at 6:47 am

That avatar is Michele Bachman's twin, right?

deanbooth May 26, 2012 at 9:38 pm

"I want more iced tea, mothertucker!"

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Ahh, Hopey gets to tuck in and croon to his beautiful, sexy and classy wife. Unlike poor Ann Romney, who each night has to oil the Mittbot 2000, and power it down for the night, then go out and yell at the servants.

Sometimes, it's a good life.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Life is good when you're two beautiful, smart people totally in love with two beautiful smart children you adore. I R teh jelus. But only a leetle.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 26, 2012 at 10:05 pm

She can always fire someone. That always cheers her up.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 12:55 am

So there aren't any aftermarket pleasure accessories available for the Mittbot? Someone should tell Ann about Toys in Babeland.

bagofmice May 27, 2012 at 10:19 am

Yes. It's called a plug. I hear it turns him on.

anniegetyerfun May 27, 2012 at 3:04 pm

If you plug him from behind, you can really see that awkward smile light up his facial panel.

Dashboard_Jesus May 27, 2012 at 2:48 am

that's the BEST explanation of the differences between these two candidates for POTUS, it's too bad that at least 50% of the 'Merkan people don't get it

12X34X May 27, 2012 at 9:24 am

I'm betting that thing doesn't get oiled EVERY night – only when there's jewelry to be had.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Does Ann RMoney even WEAR jewelry? She looks like she wears those thick bling gold chains and stuff maybe, over her horrible red suits that make her look like a parboiled lobster.

Veritas78 May 26, 2012 at 9:41 pm

More proof for Republicans that Obama is an alien: he has happy, fun times with his first and only wife.

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 9:44 pm
MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Pretty much, huh? Hardly speaks a word, yet filled with love and wisdom. Dammit, BO, I'm still mad at you, go 'way and leave me be.

chascates May 26, 2012 at 10:08 pm

The word on the rightwing blogs is that he's actually afraid of Michelle and their marriage is full of anger and fights. Projection much?

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I have never seen two people look so happy together. If they're angry and fighting, it sure as hell doesn't show in them, or their kids. Those two can hardly keep their mitts (heh heh) off each other!

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 10:33 pm

It's just not American!

Designer_Radio May 26, 2012 at 10:45 pm

This is what happens when you're not from one of them gawd fearin red states. Shameful.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 26, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Well this is a first. A president making the rest of us men look bad.

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Nixon, Reagan, Bush libel!

Terry May 27, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Nixon probably didn't screw around on Pat. First, what other woman would have him? Second, he was way too busy being paranoid.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Sorry to take away your 69, but I had to give you upfist #70 for this one…

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 9:43 pm

OT, but I have been visited by a new troll. Watch out, Rebecca. Could be the beginning of an infestation.

commiegirl May 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm

How many times did I tell you not to let them follow you home!

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 10:18 pm

But it offered me candy, and said I could pet its puppy!

*hangs head in shame

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 11:09 pm

(Pats the little nut's back) She's a trusting little soul.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 10:17 am

*Nuzzles teh Z

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I think he visited me, too, just before I changed my av/name. Some hitherto unknown character with a weird name and zero posts/friends/followers/followees.

Hmm …

smokefilledroommate May 27, 2012 at 1:24 am

Maybe it's Spanky2b. Or not 2b.

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 9:26 pm

That is the question.

chascates May 26, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Consider it a left-handed compliment.

UW8316154 May 26, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Very sinister.

chascates May 26, 2012 at 10:34 pm

But I didn't mean to defame those who are left-handed. They just have a disability.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I actually tried to be left handed when I was a kid–my mom was left handed so I wanted to be a lefty too–but it just did not take. Am still jealous of lefties, even though I know it can be a hassle to be one…

Chichikovobarb May 26, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Not to mention gauche.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 12:54 am

And sinister. Oh, and here's a fun fact. The word "dexter", meaning "of or located on the right side" is typed with the fingers of the left hand on a QWERTY keyboard. So everyone who's fapping with their right hand can type "dexter" with their left and not have to break stride.

radio-of-owls May 26, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Hold on, I'll dust off the poopyhead generator.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Go, OWLS!

bagofmice May 27, 2012 at 10:30 am

I can just imagine the conversation. "I'm gonna go out back and get that genny fired up. Owls, you know what to do. Git-R-Done". *Sounds of furious flapping*

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm

You forgot "crunching of small bones." Owls like to crunch the small bones.

NYNYNYjr May 27, 2012 at 10:28 pm

OT but starfanglednut is a troll. This is classic misdirection technique.

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Dude, I hope you're kidding.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:04 am

I think dude had a brief lapse of memory and fergot that you were a regular commenter since like gog and magog ruled the earth and stuff.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 10:19 am

Probably. Cuz them's fightin' words.

CivicHoliday May 26, 2012 at 9:45 pm

He slowly pulled the silk sheets over her naked chest, the cool fabric making her shiver. Then from beneath the sheets she felt his warm hand, caressing her, moving down her tight stomach, down, down down…

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Ahhhhhh! As actor212 says, I'll be in my bunk.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:05 pm

As will we all, my dear. As will we all.

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 10:12 pm

We'll all be in actor's bunk? A wonkette orgy? I have longed dreamed of this moment!

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Actor might find it a little uncomfortable, but knowing Wonketteers …

Veritas78 May 26, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Manobamadingo!

Wonkette: come for the snark, stay for the fap.

chascates May 26, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Bill O'Reilly's writing?

CivicHoliday May 27, 2012 at 10:32 am

Of course not. Did you see a loofah mentioned?

rocktonsam May 26, 2012 at 10:11 pm

turns out he was reaching for the remote.

oh wait, that was my marriage

Fare la Volpe May 26, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Womp womp.

FlownOver May 26, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

CivicHoliday May 27, 2012 at 12:06 am

Barry has no limit on schnizengruben

Steverino247 May 27, 2012 at 8:20 pm

That sounds like the Dos Equis commercial:

He can officially mess with Texas.

He has no limit on schnizengruben.

He controls drones over Pakistan.

He is…the Most Interesting Black Man in the World.

I don't always make love to women, but when I do, I prefer Michelle.

tessiee May 27, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Also, he has two tickets to that thing I like.

glamourdammerung May 27, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

I was thinking the same thing myself.

reasonbran May 28, 2012 at 8:56 am

No, no! That's like mom'n'dad! If they were black. And POTUS/FLOTUS. And not dead.

ProgressiveInga May 26, 2012 at 9:46 pm

“He’ll come and turn the lights out and give me a kiss…"

uh,… brb

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 9:47 pm

She didn't tell about the part where after he tucks her in, he whips out his mighty member and says, "Now say your prayers!".

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:06 pm

And SHE says, "Oh, LORD!"

Geminisunmars May 27, 2012 at 3:48 pm

And then she gets down on her knees (later he will have to re-tuck her).

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I imagine after the royal tucking that generates, they'll be too tired to retuck, if you get my drift.

tessiee May 27, 2012 at 10:58 pm

"THANK YOU, JESUS!!"

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:02 am

Sounds about right, girl!

Blueb4sunrise May 26, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Oh for tucks sake.

Mittens Howell, III May 26, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Mr Mojo Risin'

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Dems: Tuck 'er in, Barry!
Repubs: Tucker Carlson.

You decide.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Hon, that so does NOT need decidererin'.

bagofmice May 27, 2012 at 3:47 am

Erry day I'm tuckerin tuckerin.

GregComlish May 27, 2012 at 7:58 am

Little known fact: If you paint Obama's penis white and add a bow-tie it begins to resemble Tucker Carlson

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Only bigger.

pinkocommi May 26, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I find this story surprisingly easy to masturbate to.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Pix or er, yeah!

Designer_Radio May 26, 2012 at 9:54 pm

What, no bodice ripping?

NYNYNYjr May 27, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Michelle in a bodice, being held by Somali pirates, Barack arrives on a speedboat to save her

George Skullfry May 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Who knew that the FLOTUS had a cute little speech impediment?

ChilLysol May 26, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Meanwhile, the Romneys nightly ritual involves folding each other's magic undies.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Glurk.

vtxmcrider May 27, 2012 at 1:11 am

OMG, you mean they actually take them off? Then how can they be protected against sin?

sewollef May 27, 2012 at 9:34 am

Magic 600 thread Egyptian cotton.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Ever seen a Ken doll–you know, a hunk without a member? I'd bet that's what Mittens looks like under his magic undies…

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Smoooooth.

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Zzzzzzzzzzzz……

Mittens Howell, III May 26, 2012 at 9:57 pm

I don't even want to imagine the equivalent Mitt and Ann bedtime ritual.

Veritas78 May 26, 2012 at 9:59 pm

It involves docking, and an MS-DOS manual.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 1:12 am

Those EBCDIC to ASCII protocol conversions can get pretty steamy.

bagofmice May 27, 2012 at 4:00 am

I was thinking more along the lines of the following:
Public Tucker void Tuckering (object Tucker, RoutedEventargs e)
{
Textbox1.Text = "True";
}

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:06 pm

They don't call it Eb-see-DICK for nothing, yaknow.

smokefilledroommate May 27, 2012 at 1:51 am

C:UsersMittGOTO_ANNVAG
SYNTAX ERROR

C:UsersMittREAD_BOOK_OF_MORMON

*snort* it's really annoying that I can't use backslashes in my self-created computer language.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:07 pm

If you ESC them, you can.

tessiee May 27, 2012 at 11:00 pm

No way.
They're both unix.

12X34X May 27, 2012 at 9:27 am

Lots of cold cream and emotional blackmail?

Buckminster May 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"Mitt? Momma's feeling frisky tonight."
"There's an app for that."
"Oh, forget it. The damn dog's on the headboard again."
"I'll untie him."
"Mitt?"
"Yes?"
"Forget about the frisky. I've lost the mood."

Monsieur_Grumpe May 26, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Here that? That is Phyllis Schlafly having her very first orgasm.

Fare la Volpe May 26, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Her panties are soaked with dust.

Designer_Radio May 26, 2012 at 10:52 pm

And cobwebs?

sharethegrief May 26, 2012 at 11:02 pm

That Depends.

smokefilledroommate May 27, 2012 at 2:04 am

I think her new perfume is 'Phyllis: FishAttic Sankapoop'

Monsieur_Grumpe May 27, 2012 at 10:45 am

Hear that? It's me slapping myself for drinking and posting again.

Buckminster May 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

So that's what it was. I thought Dracula had risen from the tomb.

Blueb4sunrise May 26, 2012 at 10:00 pm

WHAT IS JOSEPH COTTON HIDING?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TribecaMike May 26, 2012 at 10:21 pm

"Airport '77"? That was pretty atrocious.

Blueb4sunrise May 26, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Shhhhhhhhhhh.
No.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:00 pm

GodDAMNit. I had to change ALL the CATS' panties TOO.

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 10:05 pm

So has Ann retired for the night or forever?

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Forever, unless she starts flapping her expensively healthy gums again. I can't stand to look at that woman, she looks like she has never even heard of an orgasm in her life. Bet you good money she squeaks when she comes, I mean, if she comes.

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 1:06 am

Bet you good money she squeaks when she comes

Bwhahahahaha!

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Bet you good money she squeaks when she comes

Here's the video (SFW)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B72fbXDQ7Lg

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Holy mother of god, that's hilarious!

Geminisunmars May 27, 2012 at 3:54 pm

bitch, bitch, bitch

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Oh noes! Wet pussys!

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 11:14 pm

These little guys sure have a thing for Barry. It must be his mellifluously seductive voice. They LERVE hangin' on the bed when I'm checking out his live speeches. Sick little fuckers.

Sharkey May 26, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Even Peggy Noonan and Meghan McCain had to!

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Dame Peggington of Noonington-on-Twirlynips? Shurley you jest!

Meghan's had a sump pump hooked up ever since she first laid eyes on Barry.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Chascates has the BEST fucking tips, dammit. I'm'a just go home and lie down now.

Goddammit, how DARE they look so cute and happy?

chascates May 26, 2012 at 10:11 pm

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the trash web sites for blog gold.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:20 pm

No, you truly have the best ever stories, dood. I think you should start blogging, except you have better things to do with your time.

radio-of-owls May 26, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Raise your hand if you have a girl boner. You do have one free hand, don't you??

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Romantic Hopey posts generate multiple girl (and guy) boners around here.

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 10:07 pm

This story reminded me of the Tucker Inn in Deadwood, South Dakota, only I kinda doubt there's any dead wood in this story.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Need a space between "a" and "href."

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Jesus Christ, pdog, what the HELL is THAT?

Fare la Volpe May 26, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I'm sure it's run by a perfectly lovely couple, but I'd have a very hard time fucking in a house that was furnished by my nana.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:22 pm

All I can say is, if your nana has similar furnishings, she has a good heart but no taste whatsoever. This is the kind of decor that is guaranteed to shrivel the ween at fifty paces. Plastic tablecloths? Even I, rampant pig that I am, have ixnayed plastic tablecloths.

Fare la Volpe May 26, 2012 at 10:39 pm

My grammy's house was actually covered in Japanese woodblock art, kimono patterns, and traditional ceramics because she and my grampy lived there for several years there as teachers. This charming display of culture was offset by her collection of clown paintings and portraits of the saints.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Sounds breathtakingly beautiful, at least up to the "clown paintings" part. What's *with* old ladies' need for portraits of saints? Those things would I swear as god is my witness keep me from EVER wanting to fuck again, just looking at those dreadful, lachrymose, mock-pious expressions. My grammy started tossing things out at age 60, and by the time she died, 40 years later, owned nothing but her bed, a set o sheets, and a change of clothing.

bagofmice May 27, 2012 at 10:43 am

I'm fairly certain the wood in that tableset is dead. I avoid that cruelty by having glass furniture and having a painting of Micheal Landon holding a dead squid in my living room.
http://brandonbird.com/anguish.html

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 5:25 pm

bago', that is the weirdest fucking thing evah. I so need it for my mantelpiece.

Fare la Volpe May 26, 2012 at 10:12 pm

In celebration of Presidential sexy times, the la Volpes are cracking open the special dildos tonight.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Video? Pix? Yumyum?

UW8316154 May 26, 2012 at 10:38 pm

DildoeS – plural. That I can get behind.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:46 pm

So to speak.

rocktonsam May 26, 2012 at 10:18 pm

these two, get a room for cripes sake

TribecaMike May 26, 2012 at 10:18 pm

My teenage nephew has a word for it: swag. Works for me as well.

smokefilledroommate May 26, 2012 at 10:20 pm

So unbelievably sweet!!*

*wingnut proof they are holograms

BarackMyWorld May 26, 2012 at 10:23 pm

How many Shades of Grey is that?

Fare la Volpe May 26, 2012 at 10:29 pm

All of 'em, Katie.

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 1:10 am

You know the answer, don't you? Brilliant set up; wish I'd gotten here sooner.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 1:46 am

You know who else had Shades of Grey? Ahhh fuck it. I confess, that's just a pathetic attempt to get some attention by riding on Fare's coattails. God I'm a pathetic little attention whore.

HistoriBarb May 27, 2012 at 11:56 am

You know who else was a pathetic little attention whore…

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Glen Beck?

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Natch

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Scott Walker?

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm

All of them, Katie. Damnit! There I go again. OK, time to leave the house.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:13 pm

But *so* cute when you're in the UP stage of your bipolarity.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 3:33 pm

You like me, you really like me.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 5:27 pm

(throws heavy brick) Of COURSE I do, sweetie! Why ELSE would I try to hurt you?

Sorry. Your insanity just seems to echo mine in so many ways.

Sincerely,

Ignatz

rocktonsam May 26, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Mitt – Ann, its Saturday night…..

Ann- god damn it again?

jgalleg4 May 26, 2012 at 10:26 pm

More proof that he's just another commie Kenyan. Look at a real American, like Newt Gingrich. He doesn't tuck in Callista, he buys her whore diamonds from Tiffany's, then finds his harem.

12X34X May 27, 2012 at 9:29 am

I am certain some rethuglican talking head will try to turn this into a scandal.

groverjefferson May 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

The Freeper comments on this are predictably horrifying. It has all their most reprehensible memes– the first lady's appearance, the president's sexuality, the question of where he goes after she's in bed…. a real treasure trove.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Anybody who has seen those two practically *sizzling* sexuality at each other has no need to indulge in such fantasies. Therefore, I must assume that these Freepers have neither seen the First Couple nor experienced this thing called "sexuality." Poor dumb schmucks.

HistoriBarb May 27, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Half of them don't understand sexuality without mommy issues and the other half can't imagine sexuality without a rent-boy or farm animal.

ttommyunger May 26, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Repugs all over the intertoobs are reading this, scratching their heads and exclaiming to themselves, "I don't get it.".

George Skullfry May 26, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Well spotted, or, to quote Chet, "Hahaha".

ttommyunger May 26, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Gracias.

Chet Kincaid May 27, 2012 at 10:23 am

A "hahaha" is a fucking valuable thing, I don't just give it away!

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

There's Chet! So, invoking your name is the same as a summons, eh?

UW8316154 May 26, 2012 at 10:38 pm

It's a trap, they just seem, too….happy.

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 1:13 am

Well, they know a black guy is doing it, and his wife likes it, so it "tucking" must be some degenerate sex act. You know, literally the very one and only one they haven't got around to, yet.

ttommyunger May 27, 2012 at 7:25 am

If only they were a mouse in the corner-they would be gobsmacked!

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Considering that these are the same lackwits who gave us sex with barnyard animals (Neal Horsley), prostitutes who change your dirty diapers (David Vitter), VERY strange men in the back of an SUV (Nikki Haley) and on an Appalachian trail on Naked Hikers' Day (Mark Sanford), it's hard to believe there is ANY degenerate sex act they haven't yet engaged in. Enthusiastically.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Dr. Nick Riviera May 26, 2012 at 10:32 pm

This is racist against Romney…robots can't understand the human emotion "love"

tessiee May 27, 2012 at 11:10 pm

"THIS EMOTION CALLED 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES ME!!!" — Lrrrr, of the planet Omicron Perseii 7

BarackMyWorld May 26, 2012 at 10:36 pm

"I swear to God you could drown a toddler in my panties right now."
-Pam

Designer_Radio May 26, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Ha! Love that show.

Exhausted66 May 28, 2012 at 12:01 am

Sploosh!

Negropolis May 28, 2012 at 4:02 am

Baby-killer!

smokefilledroommate May 26, 2012 at 10:37 pm

"I want your big fat organic zucchini growing in my victory garden! But let's just tuck first."

TribecaMike May 26, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Speaking of happy sexy fun times, Chris Christie was spotted earlier today at a Paterson Motel 6. Check out the numerous torrents at Pirate Bay, IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS muuyyyyaaaaaaahhhhhh!

smokefilledroommate May 27, 2012 at 12:45 am

Did he eat Tom Bodett or something?

anniegetyerfun May 27, 2012 at 3:13 pm

"We'll leave the light on for… aaaaaugh! Aughhh! Fat man is eating my foot!"

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 1:18 am

Suffice it to say, it involved copious amounts of chicken, gravy, vetoes, and cakes we like.

Gunner Asch May 27, 2012 at 1:49 am

In Patterson that's just the way things go
If you're fat you may as well not show up on the street
Unless you wanta be the Veep

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 3:29 pm

In Patterson did Christie Khan
A stately feeding-trough decree:
Where Passaic, the blackred river, ran
Past taverns measureless to man
Down to a scum-filled sea.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 5:56 pm

We're in a Coleridge mood then, are we? I noticed your tagline.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 9:09 pm

You're the only one who has! It's appropriate, on a number of levels.

Actually, the first two lines sprang unbidden into my mind & I had to go with it from there. I think it was the meter-match of Xanadu and Patterson that did it. I have no real explanation for these things.

flamingpdog May 27, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I noticed your tag line earlier, but I am most definitely poetry-impaired.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:06 am

Nothing to explain, my man, you're on a roll, go with it.

Sharkey May 26, 2012 at 10:47 pm

East Wing, West Wing. East Wing, West Wing.

Native_of_SL_UT May 26, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Dick Cheney used to tell his wife..
"Go tuck yourself."

BarackMyWorld May 27, 2012 at 12:21 am

plus 100

JustPixelz May 27, 2012 at 7:15 am

It was the most loving thing he ever said to her.

JustPixelz May 27, 2012 at 7:16 am

Then he shot her in the face.

biblioteq_tress May 27, 2012 at 5:17 pm

The rumor is Lynne gets tucked by women.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:17 am

I read her hot lesbian sex novel, which she and Darth Satan appear to have bought right off the market since he ran for Prez, I mean Veep. If she ain't gettin' tucked now, she probably has been at some time.

Negropolis May 28, 2012 at 4:04 am

Mary Cheney libel!

Blueb4sunrise May 26, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Joseph Cotton hit by a train.
The End.

Sharkey May 26, 2012 at 11:01 pm

That microphone looks very happy in that picture.

SudsMcKenzie May 26, 2012 at 11:06 pm

now THIS is a "Happy Funtime" post I can believe in.

sewollef May 27, 2012 at 9:49 am

Reminds me of another touchy feely picture moment, that's still on the White House website.

It's of a little boy touching the President's hair after asking whether it felt the same as his. The picture is three years old despite the usual practice of rotating in newer content regularly.

The kid — now 8 years old — wants to be either the President or a test pilot. Touching.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm

That's a beautiful photo. Thank you for the link.

It really touches me to the depths of my soul to see a little boy reach up and touch the President's nappy hair. Thank you, Mr. President, for knowing how to reach out to a little Black boy.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 10:25 am

Absolutely lovely.

Troglodeity May 26, 2012 at 11:20 pm

"Yes, God yes, tuck me … Tuck me like I've never been tucked before!"

TribecaMike May 26, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Apropos of nada, Dr. Ruth Westheimer once appeared on PBS's "Dinosaur Train" as an Archeopteryx, whatever that freeky deeky thang is.

"Top" that, deviant co-splayers!

George Skullfry May 27, 2012 at 2:27 am

I quite liked Dr Ruth.

TribecaMike May 27, 2012 at 5:03 pm

As do I.

Angry_Marmot May 27, 2012 at 9:46 am

Five bucks says there's Archeopteryx porn already somewheres on the internets. Half bird– half dino– all tearin' that opteryx up.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:03 pm
flamingpdog May 27, 2012 at 10:47 pm

That did not make me want to be turning Japanese.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:10 am

Listen, I am *constantly* amazed by the weirdness of the pornz available on the InterNetz.

Is this the first time I ever got you, pdog?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 28, 2012 at 9:55 am

Protip: Never say "Eat me" to a velociraptor.

Dashboard Buddha May 28, 2012 at 10:02 am

Holy shit! That's wrong on so many levels they're going to have to invent new levels just to accommodate them.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 2:16 pm

OK, here's what REALLY gets me about this: there is a NAME for it. Kaiju porn. Srsly. Someone actually thought about this long enough to invent an entire genre of … dinosaur porn.

anonymousryan May 26, 2012 at 11:26 pm

TUCK ME! TUCK ME! TUCK MEEEEEE!

MinAgain May 26, 2012 at 11:41 pm

That sound you just heard was the sound of thousands of American women simultaneously slapping an Obama 2012 sticker on their car bumpers.

Pop_Socket May 27, 2012 at 12:39 am

Well, slapping something at least.

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 1:21 am

Is that what the women are calling 'em these days? "Car bumpers?"

You know, I don't see nothin' wrong with a little bumper grind…

Buckminster May 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Hey, that wasn't my car bumper.

Barb May 27, 2012 at 12:18 am

Okay, who are we supposed to change our panties with? Is this like keys in a fishbowl or something.

George Skullfry May 27, 2012 at 2:40 am

Or, alternatively, what should we change them into? Unicorns? (Ouch) Hot tub water jets? (nevermind, see you later).

littlebigdaddy May 27, 2012 at 12:35 am

I haven't had a good tucking in ages!

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 12:53 am

"He’s like, Ready to be tucked? I’m like, Yes I am."

If Wonkette can't make this a meme, we ain't worth shit.

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 1:25 am

Skulltucking?

12X34X May 27, 2012 at 9:32 am

Skulltucking mothertuckers!

NYNYNYjr May 27, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Tuck it hard!

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 12:56 am

I bet he tucked Michelle in extra tight on the night he was killing Bin Laden.

A president's job is never done, well, unless you're "clearing brush" at the Crawford ranch for half the year.

biblioteq_tress May 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm

In fairness to Shrub, sometimes you have to clear the brush before you get to the tucking.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Somehow that comment just BEGS for the ex-Preznitwit's last name in there somewhere.

glamourdammerung May 27, 2012 at 9:16 pm

I bet he tucked Michelle in extra tight on the night he was killing Bin Laden.

Is this a double entendre?

I am being facetious.

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 1:00 am
JustPixelz May 27, 2012 at 7:46 am

Clinton and Lewinsky don't count because — according to Newt Gingrich — blowjobs aren't sex.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Throw another tape on the fire?

HistoriBarb May 27, 2012 at 8:32 pm
MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I actually read his link all the way to the end.

Round these heah parts, it's "Throw another cat on the bed." But I digress.

LionHeartSoyDog May 28, 2012 at 1:31 am

Dear Gawd(!),
Dearly beloved Madeline Kahn was great, and Gilda Radner, too.
Glory Days, and sorely missed.
Bless their hearts, and the brilliant younger women who carry on.

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 4:50 pm

You can actually buy the season one episodes from iTunes. I picked up few of them including this one, and The Nixons Watch "Blind Ambition" sketch from season 4, which is still hilarious. Dan Aykroyd does one of the best Nixon impressions ever.

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 1:19 am

Hey, this is unfair to George W. Bush and Laura Bush. They used to do this cute little My Pet Goat cosplay every night.

biblioteq_tress May 27, 2012 at 5:21 pm

So, the brush-clearer dressed as a goat? That's somehow appropriate.

Unless Laura dressed as a goat, & Dubya dressed as the naughty librarian.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:10 pm

That was very cruel of you. Now I can't get the picture of Dumbya with Palin's glasses on in a tight, slit black pencil … HORK!

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Heh heh heh.

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Laura: So, Georgie…wanna play tonight?

George: Na aa aa aaa

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 1:28 am

Surely, this is a BTD; a Big Tucking Deal, indeed.

Designer_Radio May 27, 2012 at 1:32 am

And a BFD, too; Big Fapping Deal.

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 1:43 am

Between this and the Joe Biden story I'm wondering if our editrix is going to end up with carpal tunnel syndrome this weekend.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Woof.

rickmaci May 27, 2012 at 2:40 am

For those keeping score, here is a short list of the things BHO has grabbed from the grimmy mitts of the Conservatrash and made part of the Progressive directive:

1. Foreign affairs
2. Domestic security
3. Family
4. Reductions in government size
5. Reductions in federal spending
6. Propping up private sector in time of stress
7. Marital fidelity
8, Being an all around guy guy.
9. Winning the war on Christmas.

Now if I could just get him to go to the gun range with me once a month…

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 3:26 am

Yeah, but TPSB (The president's still black). If you take him to a gun range, they'll just end up calling him a thug, since all black people with guns are thugs.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Eh, challenge him to a game of basketball. He's got a court.

usuhname May 27, 2012 at 3:02 am

and then the tentacle monster comes and tucks Barry in too, whispering soft lullabies about nuclear launch codes into his ear…

Sharkey May 27, 2012 at 9:06 pm

It's the chupacabra!!!! Aieeee!!!!

FakaktaSouth May 27, 2012 at 3:24 am

Wow. I feel – love. Nothing but pure, honest, unrestrained love, respect, admiration, desire, appreciation, joy – an empirical and fundamental understanding of another person's most intimate nature. Two people honestly enjoying the fact of the others' existence.

And they are the most vilified, hated, threatening/threatened couple we've ever had sleep in the White House.

What a wonderful world this WOULD be…I would want him to get all the way in the bed with me though – not just shove me down in the covers. Tuck this, Pres O, all the way in.

George Skullfry May 27, 2012 at 3:32 am

And they are still, you know, pretty much all right with each other despite the threats and incessant vilification.

I was impressed with the way the Clintons ignored/deflected the shit that was thrown at them (even the shit that Bill sort of deserved).

The Obamas have played through the shitfield even better. I dunno if it's easier or harder because Barry doesn't actually deserve the shit, but man, they still sparkle when they're together.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Yeah, it's pretty damn admirable.

I wonder why I have been through this thread umpteen billion times in the past 14 hours without ever seeing this comment (and its preceding node) once.

JustPixelz May 27, 2012 at 7:14 am

Sure that's all sweet and romantic. And he's the President. But Michelle: He's not good enough for you! "Mrs. Just Pixelz" … Please think about it.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Get in line.

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Ahem.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:05 am

We all are, right?

JustPixelz May 27, 2012 at 7:41 am

The Overton Window II by Glenn Beek

President Graham sat on the edge of the bed. The First Lady lay casually across the sheets, her skimpy nightgown slipped off her shoulders exposing her firm breasts and erect nipples. She looked at his groin.
"Shouldn't you be at Def Con Two by now?" she asked in a sultry voice.
"Don't tease the panther," he replied. "Let me tuck you in." Then pulled the covers over her and kissed her cheek.
"Maybe tomorrow?" she asked plaintively.
"Sure baby."
He walked down to the situation room. Vice President Trump was waiting impatiently.
"Don't you ever keep me waiting again motherfucker!"
"Yes sir."
"I'm at Def Con Two and you know what that means."
The President sank to his knees.
"That's right you cocksucker," said the Vice President. "That's just right."

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 8:04 am

My first thought when I saw this was: "How could you not like these two?"

My second thought was: "Oh, right. FOX 'News'."

Werner_Voss May 27, 2012 at 8:05 am

I hope he tucks better than he throws a baseball. Or runs a country. }:{

Fare la Volpe May 27, 2012 at 8:23 am

Pew, get a whiff of that stink! Smells like someone dropped a heaping pile of troll.

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 6:18 pm

The have just poor hygiene skills.

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Yup. Infestation time.

JustPixelz May 27, 2012 at 9:58 am

Let's practice for the pretend Romney administration:

I hope he can tuck better than he ran Massachusetts. :(

As a former missionary, he can only tuck one way. But when it comes to his principles, he can tuck you any way you want.

I remember the day Romney can to my factory. He tucked us all.

tessiee May 27, 2012 at 11:16 pm

"As a former missionary, he can only tuck one way."

As a person with magic underwear, he can only tuck one way.

Boojum May 27, 2012 at 10:17 am

Oh, look, it haz a sad. It wanted loving parents, like the Obamas, but instead it had cold, emotionless Republicans.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Who let the Nazi faggot in?

Fare la Volpe May 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Faggot libel.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:16 pm

We faggots disdain the fecking Nazis, you know.

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Ernst Röhm and the boys in the Sturmabteilung (the Log Cabin Republicans of Nazi Germany) would disagree with you.

Chichikovovich May 27, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I dare say MittBorg is describing the post-Long Knives situation.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 11:50 pm

There's a film I saw forever ago about Rohm's lads – and thanks, Chich, I believe it was called "Night of the Long Knives," but you know, I've never been able to find it.

Those faggot lovers in the Nazi party sure made short work of dear Ernst, didn't they, darls?

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Actually, the real Werner Voss was a WWI German fighter pilot. So, what you meant to say was "Hun Faggot".

I am here but to help.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 9:26 pm

I think the term you all are searching for it "Fun Haggot".

No need to thank me.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 27, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Fun Haggis would be another thing altogether.

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm

How about we settle on Troll Douchebag?

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Hun, Nazi, what does it matter? In the end he went down like a punk-ass bitch, just like Werner.

glamourdammerung May 27, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Hun, Nazi, what does it matter? In the end he went down like a punk-ass bitch, just like Werner.

Or Breitbart.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Poor Werner, he's just cranky because the only person who ever tucked him in was Evangelical Youth Pastor Bob at der Hitler Jugend Lager.

Negropolis May 27, 2012 at 10:57 pm

I hope he tucks better than you make a joke.

DerrickWildcat May 27, 2012 at 8:29 am

GROSS!!

BlueStateLibel May 27, 2012 at 9:16 am

Upon reading this, angry wingnuts in miserable marriages have another angry.

BenGleck May 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm

See Werner_Voss above. Very frustrated. Hasn't tucked in years,apparantly.

BarackMyWorld May 27, 2012 at 9:52 am

Way the fuck off topic…

It's funny cuz it's true.

(It's not true.)

Sharkey May 27, 2012 at 9:52 am

I Believe In You, Cupid Me!

BarackMyWorld May 27, 2012 at 10:10 am

Even more the fuck off topic…

Saw this in an article I was reading and did a double take:
A Senate panel expressed its outrage Thursday over Pakistan's conviction of a doctor who helped the United States track down Osama bin Laden, voting to cut aid to Islamabad by $33 million — $1 million for every year of the physician's 33-year sentence for high treason…

Pushing aside any diplomatic talk, Republicans and Democrats criticized Pakistan a day after the conviction in Pakistan of Shakil Afridi. The doctor ran a vaccination program for the CIA to collect DNA and verify bin Laden's presence at the compound in Abbottabad where U.S. commandos found and killed the al-Qaeda leader in May 2011.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/story/201

Golly, I'm sure confused by this story.
I thought the reason we got Bin Laden was because the Bush Administration water-boarded people. Hmmm…that would mean people from the Bush administration were being completely dishonest, and there's never been any proof of that before.

horsedreamer_1 May 27, 2012 at 11:42 am

Osama appears to be wearing Temple Garments in one of those photos. Did he convert to LDS (while still alive)?

glamourdammerung May 27, 2012 at 9:15 pm

I have wondered if the Mormons have baptized bin Laden yet myself. After all, they got Hitler a while back.

BarackMyWorld May 27, 2012 at 12:14 pm

(Sorry for the thickness of the sarcasm, but subtle isn't getting the job done.)

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Eh, sometimes only laying it on with a trowel helps to reduce the bitterness.

SexySmurf May 27, 2012 at 12:21 pm

The US gave Pakistan $2.641 billion in 2010 (the most recent numbers I could find on Wikipedia). The Senate is so outraged it's going to punish Pakistan by cutting a little more than 1% of its economic and military aid.

I think the Senate is trying to break the world record for incompetence (the current record is held by the House).

BarackMyWorld May 27, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Even Mitt Romney doesn't think that $33 million is a lot of money.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I think we should waterboard the members of the Bush administration to get the truth out of them, and Werner Voss as well. Let's go John Yoo on those bastards.

Tundra Grifter May 27, 2012 at 10:55 am

Was Blair Burke too busy with her Pomeranian orphans to cover this story for the Flotus Files?

Or is the Editrix moving into her territory?

Cat fight coming?

Chow Yun Flat May 28, 2012 at 12:24 am

I would pay to see that. Move the cat fight to the Jello pit the money would roll in.

DahBoner May 27, 2012 at 11:19 am

Ready to be tucked?

Is this before or after the goat sacrifice?

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 2:20 pm

No, wait, the goat is the Bushes' cosplay …

biblioteq_tress May 28, 2012 at 3:22 pm

When I really think about this, MittBorg— and sadly this is stuck in my head worse than the chorus from "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick"– I, unfortunately, can all too easily picture Dubs and Laura as happy swinging members of the Furry community.

Take THAT, you gay-marriage-will-lead-to-turtle-f*cking DOMA asshats!

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Oh, sweet lordy jebus.

I can't decide which is causing more brain-zorts — the thought of Dumz and Lorz yiffing it up, or the thought of people trying to fuck turtles. I understand even *turtles* have difficulty with the last.

Perdon, I must seek the assistance of painkillers.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 27, 2012 at 11:25 am

Great. Now I'm gonna have Barry White playing in my head all day.

glamourdammerung May 27, 2012 at 1:06 pm

That is nothing special.

Mitt owns several people that tuck Ann (and any other sister wives) in.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Man, I went outside to get a few things done and have some fun but I just Couldn't stand the weather.

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Well, it is time for stormy weather.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Sure is! Don't worry, though. It's only a stormy sky.

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I've been workin, baby, oh so hard, stayin up in the sky…

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Gee, I hope you don't spot a tornado up there!

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:20 pm

SO sweet. Boy, you know how to pick 'em.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Here's yet another Artist I really miss.

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Only guy could pull off a Hendrix cover.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Absolutely. Like no one since, and he really made it his own.

gogogodzilla May 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I'll be in my bunk.

ingloriousbytch May 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Berry needs to get down to business and get wifey pregnant. Nothing would make the teatards crazier than the thought of Barry and Michelle making little black babies in the White House.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I don't think either of them wants another kid, tho.

Sharkey May 27, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Why should they have anything to say about it?

flamingpdog May 27, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Why should she* have anything to say about it?

*from the Republican Party platform.

glamourdammerung May 27, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I am kind of hoping he grows an Afro after reelection,

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 10:58 pm

That would be so great. I really miss afros.

ElPinche May 27, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I just pre'd . That's my brohammer Barry.

anniegetyerfun May 27, 2012 at 3:15 pm

When will President Obama apologize to Bristol about this?

dandalion May 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

That picture says it all… marriage of love not for looks or stature… :D

Left_Leftie May 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Way to bury the lead!
Why oh why didn't you mention that Prez O'Bams is singing LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" in the shower???????

anniegetyerfun May 28, 2012 at 12:24 am

Girl, look at that body.

UW8316154 May 28, 2012 at 8:19 am

I work out

Geminisunmars May 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Thank you Editrix for posting this just for my birfday.

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Happy birfday!

Barb May 27, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Happy Birthday! I hope you had a wonderful day.

Geminisunmars May 28, 2012 at 10:57 am

Thank you. Isn't sweet how the whole country gets a weekend to celebrate my birthday? Happens almost every year.

flamingpdog May 27, 2012 at 11:09 pm
Geminisunmars May 28, 2012 at 10:55 am

Awwwww. Sweet.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Happy birfday, Gem! Big birfday hugs!

Geminisunmars May 28, 2012 at 11:00 am

Thank you, my special wonketteer.

proudgrampa May 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Happy Birthday, fellow Gemini!

Love,

proudgrampa

Geminisunmars May 28, 2012 at 12:12 pm

And Happy Birthday to you, Gramps.

Geminisunmars May 27, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I'd like to get all tuckered out by that guy.

Werner_Voss May 27, 2012 at 4:44 pm

This November ought to be fun, when the voters tell Obama to tuck off. }:{

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Sorry Werner, but the white-supremacist closeted homosexual demographic that you belong to isn't large enough to put Mittbot 3000 into office.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 27, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Odd troll, as trolls go. He's flaming spelling on posts from November.

glamourdammerung May 27, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Odd troll, as trolls go. He's flaming spelling on posts from November.

Not really that odd for this group of insect(s). After all, it is the only way they can pat themselves on the back for "winning".

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Presidents come and presidents go/They rise like smoke they fall like snow

Do you believe the things you say? Your lofty thoughts are filled with hay.

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Oh, and Werner, even if President Obama does lose in November it doesn't mean that he's going to have the time (or the desire) to tuck you up the ass with his big, black cock, regardless of how much you want it, so you'll just have to go on Craigslist and find another black guy to tuck you up your ass with his big, black cock.

thatsitfortheother1 May 28, 2012 at 9:31 am

I believe TuckBoy.com has just what Werner is pining for.

flamingpdog May 27, 2012 at 11:13 pm

You sound like the kind of guy who's into explosive devices, but I can tell you right now that if brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.

BarackMyWorld May 27, 2012 at 4:45 pm

All kidding aside, to me this is like hearing about my parents doin' it.

Exhausted66 May 27, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Oh my god, show me on the mobile device where touch.wonkette'd you.

deanbooth May 27, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Click the three bars in the bottom left and select the Show Desktop View option to get to comment-reading friendly mode.

Sharkey May 27, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Right below the tag cloud in the right-hand column.

Exhausted66 May 27, 2012 at 11:56 pm

It upper left on my iPhone.

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Even better: Troll Hentai. (and by better, I mean worse)

TribecaMike May 27, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Romney staffers respond: "We don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!"

Harry_S_Truman May 27, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Panties? How did you know I was wearing panties tonight?

shortsandpants May 27, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Clinton would find Ladies of the Night, Nixon would drink himself to oblivion, and LBJ would put Lady-Bird to bed with a drunken slap in the face. This is such a nice change.

greenide1 May 27, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Mittens tucks Ann into her dog kennel and ties it to the top of the station wagon.

flamingpdog May 27, 2012 at 11:19 pm

OT, but this one goes out to Werner Voss.

From the story:
Asked if she was ever unhappy with Mr. Ebeling’s instruction, Mrs. Romney said in a deposition in the lawsuit, “I think that is not a fair question because we all get upset at certain times with anybody that is — you know, especially a German.”

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:36 pm
Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 28, 2012 at 1:22 am

Huh, my brother is marrying a German. I've found Germans to be some of the friendliest chaps going. Certainly more outgoing that the French, although they have other cultural quirks.

Our chum Werner is merely exhibiting a nasty aspect of the American psyche: vaunting of what's perceived to be supremacist and pure fight. Fuck him.

Some Germans are cunts, sure. So can be anyone, even Americans like "Werner Voss" – whose namesake would spit in his face for being a pussy.

Negropolis May 28, 2012 at 4:07 am

I don't know, besides American tourists, Germans rank right up there with us along with the Chinese.

thatsitfortheother1 May 28, 2012 at 4:21 am

At least their government works (these days).

Fare la Volpe May 28, 2012 at 7:33 am

You haven't seen much of the German government lately, have you?

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Congratulations on the New Fambly by Mariage. I have a somewhat different view of Germans, having worked for several who seemed wont to opine that Hitler should have finished "the job," the job in question being unspecified except by winks and nudges, and me being awfully sensitive to anti-Semitism, I probably drew the wrong conclusion. BUT. It's still a happy occasion for you, so I'll be kvetching in the corner by myself. (Hugs Fukui-san)

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 28, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I've heard Americans give the same opinion, and I've seen American tourists in Europe.

Were I to stereotype Americans as ignorant, fat, loud, bellicose, intellectually squalid oxygen thieves who treat Europe as a theme park, it would be a mistake, since it's not universally true.

Meh. It is what it is. There are cunts from every country.

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 5:02 pm

My experience living and working in Germany was pretty positive. If you're in Germany and you try to speak German, even if you're speaking it badly, the Germans are incredibly friendly and patient, even the members or the Bundesgrenzschutze. For the first few months I was there I started most conversations with "I'm sorry, but I'm an American and don't speak much German but am trying to learn. Could you speak a little more slowly" and the Germans would accomodate me and then, very politely, tell me how good my German was (it wasn't). Of course I'm also a white guy. Coming back from a trip to the Czech Republic was interesting. I handed my passport to the machine gun toting member of the Bundesgrenzschutze who came aboard the train at the border and told him I was a citizen of the United States. He didn't even bother to open it up to see my work and residency permit. The Turkish family that was coming into Germany, and who had German passports, was grilled quite extensively making me think "Wait, I've seen this movie before. You're on a train and a German with a gun asks you for your papers. Uh oh".

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Mephisto, with Klaus Maria Brandauer, dir. Istvan Svabo. The speech about the schwartze is one of the more memorable scenes in the film.

Edit: Changed name of director from Volker Schlondorff to correct name.

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 4:53 pm

You know who else got upset with the Germans….

Jeffer May 27, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Barb and I will have been together for 6 years tomorrow. I'm going to grill a small ribeye roast (more like a huge steak) tomorrow. Barb and I have tried to get a trellis going with both morning glory and moon flowers. The garden is doing well, except for the peas, which honestly, we knew were a gamble this late in the year. Our neighbor's dog passed away, and we're both very sad about that. When we first moved here, she would bark at us, and we started tossing over a small treat for her (with her owner's approval) when we went out in the back yard. The barks turned into a small "woof" after about a year. Tomorrow will be the first time I've grilled where there won't be that woof. Sniff.

For all those who've served our country, a huge Thank You.

And with that, what is everyone else doing tomorrow?

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 27, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I will be violently tearing out all of the morning glory growing over from my neighbors yard tomorrow. Its pretty much considered a weed I my neck of the woods. But congrats on the anniversary. I consider barb to be my snark guru and I will woof anytime in her honor.

Jeffer May 27, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Barb takes a chainsaw to the orange trumpets that our (other) neighbor has growing over our wall. I shan't tell you the words she say's while she does it. It's kind of hot watching her do it though. Sort of like the car washing scene in Cool Hand Luke.

Barb May 27, 2012 at 11:52 pm

DAWG! I hope you take a hot, steaming, poop on those morning glory.
Will you be BBQ-ing?

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 28, 2012 at 12:05 am

No one will be pooping on the morning glory as that will just make them grow faster. My actual big red dog has been farting all day. I had to check a couple of times to make sure the smell wasn't coming from me. I bbq'd with friends today but may be inspired to BBQ a nice tasty fetus tomorrow. Hope you guys have a good time and you go totally Michelle all over Jeffer's Barack.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 12:19 am

I went to the store today and they were out of fresh fetus, I will not eat the frozen stuff, and they were out of bagged ice. We had to buy frozen fetus to keep our beer cold.

Barb May 27, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Yes, tomorrow is our six year anniversary of living together. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was so excited to see you and I was crushed by this horrible feeling like I was dying when I saw you. I had to stop and catch my breath and I remember begging God to give me the strength to walk to you and I was struggling to breathe.

I stopped and prayed to God, "Dear Lord, I flew from the other side of the country to be with this man. Please, give me a little happiness in my life and allow me to have the love that I deserve for once in my life."

My legs felt weak and I thought I was going to pass out. I looked at Jeffer and I felt he was going to be the last thing I ever saw in my lifetime.

Duh, I never considered that I got me a big lung bucketful of high altitude, lol. My cupcakes are often flat, but my heart is full.

Let's hear from all of you wonderful Veterans who served our country. We owe you everything.

Jeffer May 28, 2012 at 12:01 am

I've been so very happy since you've been here. Lots of fun and funny stories and lots of laughter and love. It's what we both deserve.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:58 am

No better pair, you two.

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Happy Anniversary!

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Hey, Jeffer-dood! (Hugs Jeffer)

I've been with my partner 14 years come tomorrow. We'll be making a huge greasy pile of ribs slathered in pomegranate molasses and chilli-garlic vinegar which we hope to snarf with potatoes and sweet potatoes skillet fried with slab bacon and bitter greens, and caramelized onions. Sorry about the pup. Better hug Barb lots, dood, she probly haz a big sad.

We're hiking our local Rose Garden with cameras and friends, after eating ourselves stupid. Movie fest at night, with Ben 'n Jerry's.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 12:06 am

Hobbes, I always kept puppy treats for Hayley in my pantry. We would wash the dinner dishes and I would cut up the small pieces of leftover meat for Jeff to throw to her.

Congrats on your anniversary! Your dinner sounds most delish!

I need a few more things for my garden and I will go to Home Depot tomorrow. I don't want to have that "salsa" garden of peppers, onions and tomatoes. You can buy that shit in jars anywhere.

We can no longer buy ice cream at my house. We try to leave the grocery store and men have to stop Jeffer and ask him about his snazzy little red sports car and my ice cream dies a horrible death in the trunk in the desert sun.

Jeffer May 28, 2012 at 12:52 am

FYI, Barb approved of the sports car. The ice cream (Caramel Pretzel) is fine. Someone who, quite honestly, is a minor annoyance disturbed her for a moment. And we will be enjoying the ice cream tomorrow without any troubles.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 1:03 am

No static at all, FM.

Jeffer May 28, 2012 at 12:15 am

Congrats to you and your partner!
Pork with a nice sweet/spicy sauce is the food of the gods. Molasses and chili are two of our musts when preparing ribs. Best wishes for your celebrations!

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:59 am

Thank you! Very happy day here!

Chet Kincaid May 28, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Dammit, I hate it when you post foodie erotica! And by hate it, I mean love it.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I'm'a post me a Burmese fish soup recipe, you don't watch yourself there.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 10:39 am

I presume you are going to tuck her.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 10:32 pm

You talkin' to me? Huh? You talkin to ME?

Yeah, we did some tuckin'. Hey, wut? I mean, this *IS* our tuckiversary, thankyewverymuch.

flamingpdog May 28, 2012 at 1:01 am

OT, but we Wonketeers can rest easy because the words skullfucking, Barb, and Chet Kincaid are not on the list of words to avoid using on line if you don't want the US gubmint spying on you.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:12 am

Fong sum, fong sum.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 28, 2012 at 1:24 am

Dammit! I'm a reverse voyeur and I get off on people spying on me.

George Skullfry May 28, 2012 at 1:43 am

I recall seeing this list several months ago. Must be a slow news day at the Daily Fail.

not that Radio May 28, 2012 at 10:02 am

Luckily text filters are so literal. There is a section of words related to weather, and I was concerned that my thesis and all correspondences with my research advisor would get me sent to GTMO. But they're only worried about "Lightening", and not lightning.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I've been worried about lightening for years. But then again, I'm brown.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Michael Jackson libel!

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Well, let's be fair, in his case, he sought it out. Can you imagine how much worse it is when you're puttering along minding your own business and out of the blue, a bolt of lightening leaves you three shades closer to "honky"? Let me tell ya, the rellies would want an explanation tout suite.

Jeffer May 28, 2012 at 1:15 am

Her exact words at the car dealership were: "I fucking love this car!". I do not deny the power of the Barb.
Peace out BSFD!

Barb May 28, 2012 at 1:26 am

Jeffer told me not to let on that I liked the car so that we could make a deal on it. I blurted out, "I fucking love this car!" Then I was all like, "did I say THAT aloud?"

Barb May 28, 2012 at 1:19 am

Hilarious, Flaming! I'm not sure about "Chet Kincaid" though.

Chet Kincaid May 28, 2012 at 1:38 am

"Pork Cloud Team Mexico" is terrorism? I thought it was a show on Adult Swim!

George Skullfry May 28, 2012 at 2:09 am

Is that the one with the talking carnitas enchilada instead of the french fry guy?

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I thought it was a Lindsey Graham sex tape with Lindsey dressed up as Captain Hambiscuits.

TribecaMike May 28, 2012 at 1:23 am

An innocuous photo of a Black couple making googly eyes at each other. No wonder the right is pooping its pants.

I can hear the ghost of William F. Buckley crying, "Such things are not meant to be seen by decent white people. Make it go away, mommy."

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 28, 2012 at 1:25 am

I feel like shit because I might have started this "Barb/Radio" thing. We've lost V572 and weej? That sucks donkey balls.

Crap. Whoever posted any bit of a pic of another commenter here … I hope you feel like complete crap, you fucking asshole.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 1:43 am

My response to this is going to take a few minutes, please, be patient.

Negropolis May 28, 2012 at 4:12 am

Wait, wha? I'm so confused.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 2:30 am

Part 1 of 2:

V, posted a picture of me, and minimized it as his avatar. This is a serious invasion of privacy. V also chose to use my personal information and searched my husband's parents divorce records from 35 years ago and emailed me about it. V also said that Limey Lizzie and I were "whoring around on Wonkette" He also said that he could "teach me to say things so that I could be noticed."

V posted to "Actor" and said he was an "idiot" and signed my name to it. He implied that my husband was paid in "casino coupons" My husband is a few credits short of his PhD, and is paid a salary and then a percentage of anything above what he plans to earn for his company. The profit he earned for his company was 97.5 million last year. I can't do the math on that. "Name brand corn dogs" is all I can say about that.

V also likes to email me to tell me that he is going to go and masturbate. I IGNORE his email and I have ignored them for the longest time. For the love of Christ, I was out of surgery, hooked up to oxygen, with leg compression cuffs to keep me from developing blood clots, with a 13-inch incision through 5 layers of my body, with a huge chunk of my body sliced out and V emailed me to ask me how to cook a lobster and then got pissy that I couldn't answer him. Fuck me, I couldn't eat oatmeal and he wants me to fetch something that he could have Googled?

Barb May 28, 2012 at 2:31 am

Part 2 of 2:

V also emailed me tonight and blamed me directly for Weejee, "the other casualty" V was casualty? If you quit, you are a "deserter" and not a "casualty"

I am not, as V calls me, "his internet girlfriend" I am not the dimwitted girl who needs a "Svengali."

As for Weejee, there was a misunderstanding and it was apologized for and explained again and again. I can only kiss so much ass before I start to feel as minimized as V would like me to feel.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 28, 2012 at 2:52 am

Barb, damn.

V is a marble-topped asshole and no loss, in that case.

Honestly, you've no reason to defend either yourself or Jeffers – fuck me, you two are part of the heart of the commenting here, and we all love the two of you. Nobody would care if Jeffers was taking fucking WIC and then whoring himself out to sailors for blood diamonds. (well maybe a bit, but only the blood diamonds)

You shouldn't have to put up with shit like that, and fuck V for going weird. It sounds like our fine Editrix has been golden as usual during the entire episode and thus should earn even more of our collective respect.

Thanks for clearing it up a bit Barb, and I've followed your updates about the daughter: fingers crossed as always.

PS come back weej.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Jeff has blood diamonds? Is this like a hide and go seek thing? I'm gonna tear this house apart today and find those diamonds. The game's afoot!

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I'm adding my voice to that: PLEASE come back, weej. I've just begun appreciating your sly, clever humour as it deserves, and I miss it already.

As for the V stuff — I've known about it since ID burped out people's private eaddies by mistake sometime ago. I think I saw SorosBot's real eaddie, and a few other peoples' eaddies as well. I wrote a couple of you to warn you, deleted the mistakenly-released info, and thought no more about it. Somewhere along the way, I found out that V was harrassing Barb. I just assumed they were old friends and this was acceptable to both of them, until V started making weird comments about various Black women. I said something to him about how creepy it sounded, and never heard more. But the harrassment of Barb escalated. I stayed out of it mostly, but I'm glad to see it's been resolved. I'm sorry about V. He was very bright and witty. But there is no room for maltreatment of fellow-Wonketteers, and there certainly shouldn't be any countenancing of sexual harrassment, or any kind of harrassment.

It's weej I miss, and I can understand his irritation and wanting to be away for a while, but I hope with all my heart he reconsiders soon and returns to Wonketz.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 1:45 pm

OK, V572 or whatever your name is, apparently you are still lurking about here and have decided to interpret my preceding comment as "support" of you. Let me clear that up for you right now. I do not support sexual harassers, bullies, and other such vermin. When I said I was "sorry about V," I meant "I'm sorry V turned out to be such a jerk and an asshole." That's really all I'm sorry about. I'm not sorry you're gone, you miserable shit. Now kindly quit harassing Barb by implying that I somehow support you and want you back here. I don't support you. I never want to hear or see you again in any way, shape, or form. And I certainly don't want you stinking up this joint, leering at various women and virtually pawing them with your gross comments. I don't know how else to say this to ya, but damn, motherfucker, you messed with ME now. Maybe you like bullying the ladies, like Barb. But you just better back the fuck off of me. I'm not Barb, asshole.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 28, 2012 at 2:59 am

A little more. I've seen people flip the fuck out in communities like this before and it's mostly undiagnosed mental illness or the person has stopped taking medication for a mental illness.

That's no excuse and V has to go.

What I'm saying, badly, is that you shouldn't take it personally. You're much loved here, as is my fellow limey Lizzie.

OK, that'll do for my fat yap. Thinking of you.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 28, 2012 at 3:02 am

Wow! I don't usually suggest actual skullfucking, but it might be appropriate now.

George Skullfry May 28, 2012 at 3:33 am

Well, that's pretty shitty. I appreciate your candor, and I appreciate the explanation, because this was confusing me (and, I suspect, others). My confusion is, certainly, small beer compared to being a victim of cyber-stalking, but it still feels good to have it resolved, so thank you again.

And I hope Mina(?) is still baking away. Happy Anniversary.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Mina is baking away. Chrissy is doing fine. Thanks for asking.

UW8316154 May 28, 2012 at 8:15 am

Creepy. That is waaay over the line stalking.

Chichikovovich May 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

Part 1 of 2:
It's troubling that this should have been inflicted on anyone in the community of posters, but especially that it should have been inflicted on you, Barb, since you share with us daily such good will and brilliant wit. Life can bring bleak days, and it softens them a little to know that we can come here and count on finding a little light here. That's a big fucking deal.

There are some familiar abusive patterns revealed in what you describe. Try to gain a measure of control by finding points of insecurity and attack them. You're an exceptionally intelligent and witty person, and I expect this is part of your self-conception, something you are proud of. It should be. So the abuser tries to create doubt, uncertainty, disturb your equilibrium in your sense of yourself. I'm especially sorry to see that happening in this community, because we all come here to find a place where intelligence and wit are valued and celebrated.

The "whoring around" remark is especially offensive. The tone in Wonkette is playful, and we'll say things and adopt personae for fun, that's true. But we also understand from personal experience that happiness can be very hard to find, and life can take us on false paths. So it's thrilling, really thrilling, to see people who have found loving bonds that are as healthy, solid and joyful, as you have with Jeff and Lizzie has with her partner. Thanks for sharing that joy with us.

I don't want to go on an extended ramble, so just to summarize – thanks for all you share with us, and I'm sorry that some of your best qualities – your openness, and the value you place on intelligence, for example – should have been used against you. And in particular, you are brilliantly clever and witty – its good that you won't put up with people chipping away at your hold on that fact.

Chichikovovich May 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Part 2 of 2
Just a quick separate addendum on Weejee, since s/he is no longer speaking for him/herself. It was wrong of V to hurl blame as he did for many reasons, but among them is that Weejee's departure had nothing to do with you. Weejee said so directly, in a reply to you. Weejee said that your kind words to him/her were appreciated, and that his/her reasons for leaving had solely to do with his/her interactions with Rebecca. The die is probably cast at this point, so there's no point in a detailed review. And I'm grateful, as we all are, that Rebecca came to your defence and quashed an unacceptable situation. But I'll just observe that in reviewing the Weejee-Rebecca interaction, I don't see anything resembling an apology or even a perfunctory "Sorry about that" for an out-of-the-blue, exceptionally hostile first message from Rebecca aimed at someone who had done nothing to deserve it.

Chet Kincaid May 28, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Jesus Christ, that's awful. You are incredibly funny and sweet-spirited, and you and Jeff seem like good people. It makes me really angry that someone abused your personal life like that — especially V, who seemed like one of the good guys. God, I guess it pays to keep it "unreal" with some folks.

JustPixelz May 28, 2012 at 9:27 am

From your posts, I've learned you are smart, funny and you have a big heart. I think I've also learned a few other things about you — like the state you live in, your husband's name, something about a sister. Interesting, but not as important as smart, funny and have a heart. I will ignore V's posts and try to ignore that avatar.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Lol, Just!

Tundra Grifter May 28, 2012 at 9:48 am

Barb:

I am very sorry to read about all this. Obviously you are dealing with a lot right now – and whatever garbage some nut has piled on hasn't helped a bit.

You are the funniest, smartest person here. I write that not to hurt anyone else's feelings (including, of course, my own). It's true.

And for that sick fuck – "It's disgusting how people will just,
you know, take something good – and just take advantage of a situation." (Rico, "Hot Rod").

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:44 pm

TG: You're a champ, but let me tellya, I think this entire community agrees with you that Barb is the funniest, smartest person here.

Tundra Grifter May 29, 2012 at 9:19 am

MB:

I hope I'm always willing to tip my cap to a better player.

In the case of the idiot under discussion here, Wonkette is kinda like a nude beach. Anybody can show up, and sometimes that doesn't work out.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 10:43 am

Wow. That is some crazy ass shit.

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I love the internet. I mean really, I love it, it's kept me employed for the last 20 odd years, makes it easier to order pizza and means that I don't have to have my porno delivered in all of those anonymous brown wrappers by the USPS any more but Jeez, I wish that we could figure out some way of having all of the cool stuff on the internet (pizza ordering, pornography, Wikipedia, Wonkette, cat videos) without having all of the assholes, stalkers and psychos. It sucks ass that you had to go through this, especially while you were in the body and fender shop with random strangers poking you with things and removing OEM parts.

HistoriBarb May 28, 2012 at 7:19 pm

As the Wonkette saying goes, "oh for fuck's sake."

That is weird and sad and creepy.

Sorry I'm late to the thread – we've have sick kids this weekend (one with 102 fever and the other vomiting today). Plus, I went to the urgent care clinic yesterday – yay for me?

Barb May 28, 2012 at 8:10 pm

I hope you and your children feel better.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Good lord, are you OK?

Hugs to the whole family.

HistoriBarb May 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm

1 out of 3. Maybe 1.5. Mr. fever is back to normal but Ms Pukes a lot has only been able to keep a popsicle down. As for me, let's just leave it at ”my ass hurts”…

MittBorg May 29, 2012 at 2:37 am

Poor sweeties. Many hugs of healingness to the HistoriBarb family, may you all soon be recovered.

freakishlywrong May 28, 2012 at 8:31 am

Tuck me. All the skullfuckery that I have been so blissfully unaware of per Barb's post above. Just be glad he didn't demand you rise from your hospital bed and make you a sammich.

Thanks and honor to the troops. (It's also my birfday, my certificate of live birth has me named as "baby girl".)

Mumbletypeg May 28, 2012 at 8:42 am

Happy birthday freakish! And on a long weekend no less. Didn't you mention you'd be visiting somewhere in a flyover state over holiday, or is that going to be later this summer?
Either way — never a dull moment around here, amirite~

freakishlywrong May 28, 2012 at 9:38 am

Thanks Mumblety! Iowa. Fourth of July. Dear God in heaven. Mr. Freakish has two sons, who've had two sons whom we've yet not met

freakishlywrong May 28, 2012 at 9:39 am

HIM. Make HIM a sammich. Dumbass. (Am not drinking…yet).

Geminisunmars May 28, 2012 at 10:49 am

Happy birthday, fellow Gemini baby girl.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Happy birfdai!

You KNOW that COLB don't mean a freakin' thing, where's the LONG form?

TootsStansbury May 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Happy Birthday! Where's your LONG FORM BIRD CERTIFICAT!!!????

DahBoner May 28, 2012 at 8:47 am

What about the Mother-in-Law?

WHO IS THE MOTHER TUCKER

Tundra Grifter May 28, 2012 at 9:30 am

"Fifty Shades of Black."

Doktor StrangeZoom May 28, 2012 at 10:40 am

So, this weekend's BIG STORY on the right-wing blogosphere is starting to head into down-the-rabbit-hole territory. The link I posted seems like a fairly good overview (if sometimes a bit breathless-OMG-Blogpocalypse! in tone); there's additional background here. (CAUTION: There's a lot of blogwar-insider nonsense in virtually EVERYTHING being written about this story so far…much of it is still at the WTF? stage.)

Basically, from what I can gather, the next big right-wing meme is that in addition to having a copy of Alinsky's "Rules for Radicals," all liberals are also besties with a convicted bomber and all around bad person named Brett Kimberlin, who is probably best known for a story that nobody believed about him selling pot to Dan Quayle. But now, he's a scary Librul Leader who gets funding from George Soros and Barbra Streisand, so you know just how serious a threat he is. And yes, Glenn Beck is worried about him, so I'm sure he's warming up his blackboards.

Also, it's now "common knowledge" in the Wingosphere that leftist operatives are now regularly in the habit of "SWATting" rightwing bloggers–spoofing a phone caller ID, calling 9-1-1, and then claiming that a horrific shooting has happened at the blogger's home, in the hope that the SWAT team will then show up and blow away the blogger. Expect to hear more about all this, because Erick, Son of Erick, now claims that after participating in "Blog About Brett Kimberlin Day," sheriff's deputies pulled up to his hose to investigate a spoofed 9-1-1 call (but you know, he'd warned them that this might happen, and he was pals with the deputies, so no danger).

The Internet: One Weird Place

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I did some reading on that and Jesus there's some serious fucking crazy involved there. The thing that one of the commenters at Balloon Juice pointed out is that it wouldn't be surprising if some of the wingers were choosing to SWATT each other, those guys are so fucking crazy that they make the craziest dipshit members of the 60's new left, the Symbionese Liberation Army, the George Jackson Brigade, et al look relatively sane in comparison and not only are they crazy, they're incredibly petty and oversensitive and almost as likely to go after another winger for being insufficiently ideologically pure as they are to go after someone they consider to be a liberal. There are wingers out there who believe that Erick Erickson is a RINO and a sell-out because he's on CNN now.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 28, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Several also pointed out that since Patrick Frey, who blogs as "Patterico" and was apparently the target of a "Swatting," is Prosecutor in LA, it makes as much sense to assume that he was targeted for his main job as for his being a political blogger–I haven't seen any real evidence linking Kimberlin or anyone else to the crime, and so far, law enforcement hasn't acted on Frey's claims that Kimberlin was behind it–none of which is to suggest that Kimberlin is a good guy; he sounds like a creep. Whether he's a creep who's guilty of attempting a murderous phone hack is something for the legal system to work out.

I also have a sinking feeling that some idiot is going to find in this a good reason to start shooting liberals somewhere, because we're too cozy with terrorists.

C_R_Eature May 28, 2012 at 10:50 am

Submitted, without comment, for Memorial Day.

Geminisunmars May 28, 2012 at 10:56 am

TY, sfn.

ttommyunger May 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

"So Sorry, You Will Need To Change Your Panties Now". Haven't you heard? Underwear's no funtowear!

Gainsbourg69 May 28, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Fourth, he had a Cuban boyfriend.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Y'know, I really love these long, leisurely weekend threads. Some of my favorite wonketeering.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 10:21 pm

True. We all get friendly and cozy, with much fussing and rustling of feathers.

Tommy1733 May 29, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Dang all these Wonkette chicks are crushing on Barack Obama. The lucky duck.

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 10:41 pm

I once went to pride with three lovely ladies. But it rained. So naturally, all 4 of us ended up on the futon in my studio apartment. Thing was, one of them was on leave from the psychiatric hospital, went back and, despite us having extracted a promise that she wouldn't do so, told her doctor about it. We received multiple grins and thumbs up, from doctors and patients alike, when we went to visit her the next day..

I am not making this shit up.

not that Radio May 26, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Why was I not consulted?

Actually, if we need your Super Power anywhere, we need it right where you have it aimed now.

Mumbletypeg May 28, 2012 at 7:42 am

I have to say I miss the Ann artwork you did. Her expression was captured perfectly, framed just so, and the choice of "Obey" really sums up the point without directly quoting anything she said (except in her wedding vows, which I guess she meant literally). I'll adjust to your new Mittborg but am wishing I might own a T-shirt with your Ann-creation on it someday~

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I do, usually, don't I, consult you that is. I dunno. I hadn't heard a peep out of the silly cow in a while, and was sick of seeing her overprivileged and clueless face.

I'm hoping my readopting Mitt's av will result in a double-digit lead for Bamz. Yahaha!~

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Sounds like a fun, exciting life, starfangled!

Crazy laydees are really the best in bed. At least until they boil your bunny, anyway.

smokefilledroommate May 27, 2012 at 1:25 am

My mother is left-handed. The nuns used to slap her with a ruler to make her write with her 'Godly' hand. I'm glad they did because she grew up to be a sinister cunt.

tessiee May 27, 2012 at 10:54 pm

"everyone who's fapping with their right hand can type "dexter" with their left and not have to break stride"

Is there something that you're trying to tell us?

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 8:42 am

Similar thing happened to me, in southern Illinois, in the 70s. Except it wasn't nuns; it was rednecks. And it wasn't a ruler; it was public shaming. I still throw a ball and play tennis left-handed, but DAGGUM they weren't gonna abide no devil writin'!

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:00 pm

It's probly WHY she grew up to be a sinister cunt. (Hugs the smokefilledroommate) It's OK now. You're safe with us.

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Mitt Romney did something like that once, there was a left-handed guy at Cranbrook and Mitt and some friends jumped him, held him down and cut off his left hand with an axe.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm

They die earlier. Nearly a decade sooner than righties. All the stress of living in a world designed for the other 90%.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Yeah, that's exactly what a goodly portion of White America says every now and then.

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I'm waiting for the frogs to fall down on me.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Frogs? Only love can bring the rain that falls like tears from on high.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Ouch, that sucks. Come to think of it, driving as a lefty must be an enormous pain in the ass.*Someone* ought to come up with an invention to fix that…

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Sad, innit? Barack's a leftie, too, which always makes me worry about his curly little head.

Fare la Volpe May 28, 2012 at 7:40 am

They already invented England.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Did you ever see Handsome Harry? It didn't get the greatest reviews, which I fault the reviewers for. It's a painful yet realistic look at gay-bashing. And very, very nicely done. Very nice.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 5:24 pm

No, that's just the first two wives. The third was a sweetheart.

Wut?

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 6:13 pm

You get love? That's lucky. I always get a storm of revolution.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Sometimes when the weather gets this bad, I think that the sun ain't gonna shine anymore.

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Boil your bunny?

flamingpdog May 27, 2012 at 10:16 pm

"You have a dick in your ear."

"What? I can't hear you?"

"You have a dick in your ear!"

"What? I can't hear you."

"YOU"VE GOT A DICK IN YOUR EAR!!!!"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you – I have a dick in my ear."

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 10:19 pm

In the desert, I have the opposite problem. I always think that it ain't gonna rain anymore.

flamingpdog May 27, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Sometimes crazy ladies can develop a fatal attraction.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 10:30 pm

'Round these parts, when it comes it comes on strong. Nothing you can do but stand back and Let it Rain.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Film at elebenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Doktor StrangeZoom May 27, 2012 at 10:44 pm

I just assumed that this was pretty much mandatory by this point in the thread…

Dashboard Buddha May 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm

No such thing…unless rights of passage can be "fun".

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:15 pm

I've had Haggis. It's not as much Fun as it sounds.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Great minds think alike. I can't imagine the circs under which haggis could be fun, but immediately after wondering such a thing, I of course went on to wonder if it had been Rule 34'ed.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Sam Coleridge. I like it. There's so many famous lines in this one.

Albatross! Albatross!

tessiee May 27, 2012 at 11:05 pm

"What's *with* old ladies' need for portraits of saints?"

A decorative china plate with JFK, RFK, and Martin Luther King in profile, and underneath, in curly script, "Brothers Together in Heaven".

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Hi Doc, welcome! That was just outstanding.

Raining Men? let it rain, then!

starfanglednut May 27, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Most people shouldn't even try. It's sacrilege.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:17 pm

'Tis the truth.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Good one, though Droll Touchebag works also.

Chichikovovich May 27, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Rain seems to have let up. But there's still that big white cloud.

Chichikovovich May 27, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Or it would, if he were droll.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 11:52 pm

And can you imagine anyone letting him Touche their bag?

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Lovely. I hope that's not a snow cloud, though because fuck I hate the cold.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Ah. A contradiction in terms, is it not?

Chichikovovich May 27, 2012 at 11:37 pm

I just hope you're not hitchhiking that endless white line out in that cold.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Great, thanks!
Nah, I'm drivin' this trip, thanks. Thing is, you know you can really grow to hate these crummy little one horse towns.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 11:51 pm

But have you had Lutefisk?

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:55 pm

You couldn't pay me enough to eat old Codfish rehydrated in Lye. Although it's probably better than the Icelanders' Horrible Rotten Buried Shark

C_R_Eature May 27, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Heavens no. You might just get Coxsackie

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:00 am

Oy, gevalt.

C_R_Eature May 28, 2012 at 12:01 am

I can't imagine the circs under which haggis could be fun,

Scotch. Scotch, Scotch. Scotchy Scotch Scotchety Scotchety Scotch.
And then, a little Scotch.

That's pretty much it.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:07 am

For reasons that will doubtless never be known or discovered, I memorized the Rime of the Ancient Mariner as a sprout of ten, or so. I think that was the year I had every childhood ailment going around and spent most of my time reading, in bed.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 28, 2012 at 12:28 am

I only buy fresh, organic, non GMO fetus from the local farmers market. Luckily I live in a city chock full of baby killers (democratz) so we are never short of fresh fetus.

Barb May 28, 2012 at 12:36 am

If your Fetus Farmer's Market has a run of fresh fetus on hand you should add a slice of lemon to the bag before you toss it into the freezer.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 10:38 am

Yes, but are they grass fed?

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 28, 2012 at 12:46 am

The hands are the best part. Cooked well you can just crunch right through the bones. Oh wait, that's not what you meant. Anthony Bourdain has the best fetus recipes. Paula Deen only uses canned fetus. GROSS!

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:07 am

I thought it was Rotten Trout, but since I declined the honour, you would probably know better. I have to admit to being somewhat fond of the dreadful salt fish, like bacalao and ikan bilis (known human carcinogen, yum!), but I draw the line about a mile or two my side of lutefisk.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:10 am

I thought the punchline was, "Don't tell me, let me guess. You had smallcox as a child."

C_R_Eature May 28, 2012 at 6:59 am

And a thousand thousand slimy things
Lived on; and so did I.

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 10:24 am

My evil dad loves that poem, so I have a Coleridge phobia and cannot read his stuff.

Geminisunmars May 28, 2012 at 10:59 am

Ah, Merci Chichi. Vous êtes très gentil.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I wish I could claim credit, dear lady, but the faults of my comments are the only things to which I can lay claim.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 1:59 pm

(Hugs the girl) We gonna have to stop carryin' on like this or EVUHone's gonna talk, girl.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Aw, now. Just you unruffle them feathers, sweetie.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Her lips were red, her looks were free
Her locks were yellow as gold
Her skin was white as leprosy
The nightmare Life-in-Death was she
Who thicks man's blood with cold

Between the opium fantasies and the rolling, ponderous meter and rhythm, this is probably the best thing Coleridge ever wrote. Also, monsters.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I didn't know your dad was evil.

But Coleridge deserves better than to have your evil dad's mark on him. He really was good, though he fell short of his own talent — lotos-eating will do that for you.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Pro-er protip: Never assume that there *isn't* someone out there who would say that, mean it, and have a fetish (admittedly, one-time only) for it.

C_R_Eature May 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Is Death that Woman's mate?

Monsters, alsotoo.

Surely, Coleridge was a true genius and "Just Say No" was not in his phrasebook.

Dashboard Buddha May 28, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Her ass is oddly shaped. Maybe she's part dino herself. That would it explain it. Wouldn't it?

Dashboard Buddha May 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Also…what the fuck is up with Japan?

Fare la Volpe May 28, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Kaiju is the Japanese word for the giant monster genre of movies, e.g. Godzilla, Mothra, Son of Godzilla. They even use it to refer to Western productions like Clash of the Titans and King Kong. It's not the name of a porn genre so much as calling something "monster porn" makes it a genre.

Also, EWWWWW.

TootsStansbury May 28, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Teacher gave up on me but then tried to make me hold my pencil the "right" way; calling it to the attention of the whole class of course, and I proceeded to write backwards. I think she is the reason behind my um "issues" with authority figures to this day. I am very left-handed; everything except scissors and I think putt-putt golf, I can never figure that one out.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Doctoress Ruth? I sure hope so. I've had a thing about lizard-people ever since watching V.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 3:36 pm

That's a pretty broad question. I believe Killer Bride's Perfect Crime might hold the answer you seek. Available through Netflix, instawatch. Vermilion Pleasure Nights is the only acceptable substitute. (But not as funny.)

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Well, not for this post, but if the editrix puts up another story where she talks about drinking wine and braiding KBJ's hair
dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Does anyone have a Kleenex?

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Before you know it, they'll be yelling at us to get a room.

glasspusher May 28, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Always better to be a switch hitter

NYNYNYjr May 28, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I have here in my hand a list of 205 known trolls on Wonkette. On that list are Mittborg, starfanglednut and others who comment with the knowledge of the editrix.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 10:17 pm

See, starfanglednut? I told youse s/he wuz an Equal-Opportunity Oppressor!

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Thank you for clearing that up, sweetcheeks.

Srsly Ewwage. I can't imagine who came up with the first dino porn. Who thinks up this stuff?

starfanglednut May 28, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Well, I hope your skin stays its lovely brown.

smokefilledroommate May 29, 2012 at 1:59 am

Aw, thanky. I needed that, maybe.

MittBorg May 29, 2012 at 2:40 am

Aw, you so sweet. Much sweeter than my rellies, for sure.

Fare la Volpe May 29, 2012 at 8:23 am

Scalies. They're furries but with lizards instead of wolves.

I didn't think it was possible to be creepier than furries, but these fucks managed to pull it off.

starfanglednut May 29, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I didn't know your dad was evil.The evilest, perhaps on a par with your mom. Maybe that's part of why I feel a kinship to you.

MittBorg May 30, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I'm so sorry to hear that, sweetie. Here's an extra-big hug to make up for some of it.

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