bedtime stories

So Sorry, You Will Need To Change Your Panties Now

hopeychangeysexyWhat’s up, Michelle Obama? Does your husband, the president, love you so much and is ridiculously sexy about it?

“We have a ritual where he tucks me in, because I’m usually in bed before anybody,” the First Lady spilled. “He’ll come and turn the lights out and give me a kiss, and we’ll talk. He’s like, Ready to be tucked? I’m like, Yes I am.'”

Leave your bedtime fan-fic in the comments. [NYDN, via Wonkette operative “chascates”]

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  • Schmannnity

    And then he sings, ♫♫ lay lady lay, lay across my big Lincoln Bed♫♫

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Better that than Big Ten Inch Record.

    • Left_Leftie

      Uh, even better, continue reading the linked story and you'll discover Prez likes to sing LMFAO in the shower.

      • BerkeleyBear

        He's sexy and he knows it? Just imagine how many crackers will call him "uppity" for that.

        • LionHeartSoyDog

          Who wouldn't kick who out of bed for eating crackers?
          Wut?Duh?Flock?
          Please to clarify.

  • Barb

    Me, me, Barack! I need a good tucking.

    • flamingpdog

      Cool typo there, Barb!

      Oh, it wasn't a typo?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        TYVM, pdog, you got EVUHbody on Wonketz to prick their ears.

        EARS, I said, prick their EARS.

        • Fare la Volpe

          I'm glad you changed back to Mittborg. I can deal with the Romneytron 5000 looming over me, but Ann's lifeless botox face was just too much.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Thanks, sweetie. She was driving me crazy myself. Something about that expensive yet stupid face. Got rid of the old MechanicalMitt and replaced him with the CLOWN he ought to dress up as.

          • not that Radio

            Why was I not consulted?

            Actually, if we need your Super Power anywhere, we need it right where you have it aimed now.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I do, usually, don't I, consult you that is. I dunno. I hadn't heard a peep out of the silly cow in a while, and was sick of seeing her overprivileged and clueless face.

            I'm hoping my readopting Mitt's av will result in a double-digit lead for Bamz. Yahaha!~

          • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

            I have to say I miss the Ann artwork you did. Her expression was captured perfectly, framed just so, and the choice of "Obey" really sums up the point without directly quoting anything she said (except in her wedding vows, which I guess she meant literally). I'll adjust to your new Mittborg but am wishing I might own a T-shirt with your Ann-creation on it someday~

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I wish I could claim credit, dear lady, but the faults of my comments are the only things to which I can lay claim.

        • Callyson

          Wow, even as a clown, Mittens looks like a sourpuss…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I wish someone would photoshop his dick in his ear. "What? I can't hear you."

          • flamingpdog

            "You have a dick in your ear."

            "What? I can't hear you?"

            "You have a dick in your ear!"

            "What? I can't hear you."

            "YOU"VE GOT A DICK IN YOUR EAR!!!!"

            "I'm sorry, I can't hear you – I have a dick in my ear."

        • 738838

          Prick their ARSE?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Well … they're not fussy.

    • JustPixelz

      A few years ago I got in the habit of ending my emails at work with a quick, informal "ty" … until the day I accidentally discovered how close the "F" key is to the "T".

      • sewollef

        diagonals dont count…. up and downs and side to sides do.

        Whenever my editors and proofreaders shout at me, that's what I tell 'em as I walk away, all big and bad.

    • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

      oooo, baby. I need Michelle's direct phone number so I can call and tell her if she ever decides to leave him to give him my phone number.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Roses are red and ready for plucking
      You're our Barb and ready for tucking

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Aw! DB! That is SO CUTE!

        Who can I use it on?

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Thank ye. The original goes:

          Roses are red and ready for plucking
          You're 15 and ready for highschool.

          It's always a winner at gatherings with family.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Dear God! If anyone ever recited anything like that in front of my fucking family, they'd be lucky to escape alive with all parts intact!

  • Buckminster

    Lord, I think the First Lady is channeling us!

    • TribecaMike

      She sends my chakras into a swirl.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Michelle…channels…

      be right back

  • StarsUponThars

    oh, tuck me, tuck me hard!

    • Boojum

      That avatar is Michele Bachman's twin, right?

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    "I want more iced tea, mothertucker!"

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Ahh, Hopey gets to tuck in and croon to his beautiful, sexy and classy wife. Unlike poor Ann Romney, who each night has to oil the Mittbot 2000, and power it down for the night, then go out and yell at the servants.

    Sometimes, it's a good life.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Life is good when you're two beautiful, smart people totally in love with two beautiful smart children you adore. I R teh jelus. But only a leetle.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      She can always fire someone. That always cheers her up.

    • Wile E. Barbote

      So there aren't any aftermarket pleasure accessories available for the Mittbot? Someone should tell Ann about Toys in Babeland.

      • bagofmice

        Yes. It's called a plug. I hear it turns him on.

        • anniegetyerfun

          If you plug him from behind, you can really see that awkward smile light up his facial panel.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      that's the BEST explanation of the differences between these two candidates for POTUS, it's too bad that at least 50% of the 'Merkan people don't get it

    • 12X34X

      I'm betting that thing doesn't get oiled EVERY night – only when there's jewelry to be had.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Does Ann RMoney even WEAR jewelry? She looks like she wears those thick bling gold chains and stuff maybe, over her horrible red suits that make her look like a parboiled lobster.

  • Veritas78

    More proof for Republicans that Obama is an alien: he has happy, fun times with his first and only wife.

    • flamingpdog
      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Pretty much, huh? Hardly speaks a word, yet filled with love and wisdom. Dammit, BO, I'm still mad at you, go 'way and leave me be.

    • chascates

      The word on the rightwing blogs is that he's actually afraid of Michelle and their marriage is full of anger and fights. Projection much?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I have never seen two people look so happy together. If they're angry and fighting, it sure as hell doesn't show in them, or their kids. Those two can hardly keep their mitts (heh heh) off each other!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      It's just not American!

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        This is what happens when you're not from one of them gawd fearin red states. Shameful.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well this is a first. A president making the rest of us men look bad.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Nixon, Reagan, Bush libel!

      • Terry

        Nixon probably didn't screw around on Pat. First, what other woman would have him? Second, he was way too busy being paranoid.

    • Callyson

      Sorry to take away your 69, but I had to give you upfist #70 for this one…

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    OT, but I have been visited by a new troll. Watch out, Rebecca. Could be the beginning of an infestation.

    • commiegirl

      How many times did I tell you not to let them follow you home!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        But it offered me candy, and said I could pet its puppy!

        *hangs head in shame

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          (Pats the little nut's back) She's a trusting little soul.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            *Nuzzles teh Z

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (Hugs the girl) We gonna have to stop carryin' on like this or EVUHone's gonna talk, girl.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Before you know it, they'll be yelling at us to get a room.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I think he visited me, too, just before I changed my av/name. Some hitherto unknown character with a weird name and zero posts/friends/followers/followees.

      Hmm …

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Maybe it's Spanky2b. Or not 2b.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          That is the question.

    • chascates

      Consider it a left-handed compliment.

      • UW8316154

        Very sinister.

        • chascates

          But I didn't mean to defame those who are left-handed. They just have a disability.

          • Callyson

            I actually tried to be left handed when I was a kid–my mom was left handed so I wanted to be a lefty too–but it just did not take. Am still jealous of lefties, even though I know it can be a hassle to be one…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            They die earlier. Nearly a decade sooner than righties. All the stress of living in a world designed for the other 90%.

          • Callyson

            Ouch, that sucks. Come to think of it, driving as a lefty must be an enormous pain in the ass.*Someone* ought to come up with an invention to fix that…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Sad, innit? Barack's a leftie, too, which always makes me worry about his curly little head.

          • Fare la Volpe

            They already invented England.

          • glasspusher

            Always better to be a switch hitter

        • Chichikovobarb

          Not to mention gauche.

          • Wile E. Barbote

            And sinister. Oh, and here's a fun fact. The word "dexter", meaning "of or located on the right side" is typed with the fingers of the left hand on a QWERTY keyboard. So everyone who's fapping with their right hand can type "dexter" with their left and not have to break stride.

          • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

            My mother is left-handed. The nuns used to slap her with a ruler to make her write with her 'Godly' hand. I'm glad they did because she grew up to be a sinister cunt.

          • not that Radio

            Similar thing happened to me, in southern Illinois, in the 70s. Except it wasn't nuns; it was rednecks. And it wasn't a ruler; it was public shaming. I still throw a ball and play tennis left-handed, but DAGGUM they weren't gonna abide no devil writin'!

          • TootsStansbury

            Teacher gave up on me but then tried to make me hold my pencil the "right" way; calling it to the attention of the whole class of course, and I proceeded to write backwards. I think she is the reason behind my um "issues" with authority figures to this day. I am very left-handed; everything except scissors and I think putt-putt golf, I can never figure that one out.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            It's probly WHY she grew up to be a sinister cunt. (Hugs the smokefilledroommate) It's OK now. You're safe with us.

          • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

            Aw, thanky. I needed that, maybe.

          • Wile E. Quixote

            Mitt Romney did something like that once, there was a left-handed guy at Cranbrook and Mitt and some friends jumped him, held him down and cut off his left hand with an axe.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Did you ever see Handsome Harry? It didn't get the greatest reviews, which I fault the reviewers for. It's a painful yet realistic look at gay-bashing. And very, very nicely done. Very nice.

          • tessiee

            "everyone who's fapping with their right hand can type "dexter" with their left and not have to break stride"

            Is there something that you're trying to tell us?

          • Wile E. Quixote

            Well, not for this post, but if the editrix puts up another story where she talks about drinking wine and braiding KBJ's hair
            dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexter dexterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
            Does anyone have a Kleenex?

    • radio-of-owls

      Hold on, I'll dust off the poopyhead generator.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Go, OWLS!

      • bagofmice

        I can just imagine the conversation. "I'm gonna go out back and get that genny fired up. Owls, you know what to do. Git-R-Done". *Sounds of furious flapping*

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          You forgot "crunching of small bones." Owls like to crunch the small bones.

    • NYNYNYjr

      OT but starfanglednut is a troll. This is classic misdirection technique.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Dude, I hope you're kidding.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I think dude had a brief lapse of memory and fergot that you were a regular commenter since like gog and magog ruled the earth and stuff.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Probably. Cuz them's fightin' words.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Aw, now. Just you unruffle them feathers, sweetie.

          • NYNYNYjr

            I have here in my hand a list of 205 known trolls on Wonkette. On that list are Mittborg, starfanglednut and others who comment with the knowledge of the editrix.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            See, starfanglednut? I told youse s/he wuz an Equal-Opportunity Oppressor!

  • CivicHoliday

    He slowly pulled the silk sheets over her naked chest, the cool fabric making her shiver. Then from beneath the sheets she felt his warm hand, caressing her, moving down her tight stomach, down, down down…

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Ahhhhhh! As actor212 says, I'll be in my bunk.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        As will we all, my dear. As will we all.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          We'll all be in actor's bunk? A wonkette orgy? I have longed dreamed of this moment!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Actor might find it a little uncomfortable, but knowing Wonketteers …

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            I once went to pride with three lovely ladies. But it rained. So naturally, all 4 of us ended up on the futon in my studio apartment. Thing was, one of them was on leave from the psychiatric hospital, went back and, despite us having extracted a promise that she wouldn't do so, told her doctor about it. We received multiple grins and thumbs up, from doctors and patients alike, when we went to visit her the next day..

            I am not making this shit up.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Sounds like a fun, exciting life, starfangled!

            Crazy laydees are really the best in bed. At least until they boil your bunny, anyway.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Boil your bunny?

          • flamingpdog

            Sometimes crazy ladies can develop a fatal attraction.

    • Veritas78

      Manobamadingo!

      Wonkette: come for the snark, stay for the fap.

    • chascates

      Bill O'Reilly's writing?

      • CivicHoliday

        Of course not. Did you see a loofah mentioned?

    • rocktonsam

      turns out he was reaching for the remote.

      oh wait, that was my marriage

      • Fare la Volpe

        Womp womp.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

      • CivicHoliday

        Barry has no limit on schnizengruben

        • Steverino247

          That sounds like the Dos Equis commercial:

          He can officially mess with Texas.

          He has no limit on schnizengruben.

          He controls drones over Pakistan.

          He is…the Most Interesting Black Man in the World.

          I don't always make love to women, but when I do, I prefer Michelle.

          • tessiee

            Also, he has two tickets to that thing I like.

      • glamourdammerung

        Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

        I was thinking the same thing myself.

    • reasonbran

      No, no! That's like mom'n'dad! If they were black. And POTUS/FLOTUS. And not dead.

  • ProgressiveInga

    “He’ll come and turn the lights out and give me a kiss…"

    uh,… brb

  • flamingpdog

    She didn't tell about the part where after he tucks her in, he whips out his mighty member and says, "Now say your prayers!".

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      And SHE says, "Oh, LORD!"

      • Geminisunmars

        And then she gets down on her knees (later he will have to re-tuck her).

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I imagine after the royal tucking that generates, they'll be too tired to retuck, if you get my drift.

    • tessiee

      "THANK YOU, JESUS!!"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Sounds about right, girl!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Oh for tucks sake.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Mr Mojo Risin'

  • flamingpdog

    Dems: Tuck 'er in, Barry!
    Repubs: Tucker Carlson.

    You decide.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hon, that so does NOT need decidererin'.

      • bagofmice

        Erry day I'm tuckerin tuckerin.

    • GregComlish

      Little known fact: If you paint Obama's penis white and add a bow-tie it begins to resemble Tucker Carlson

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Only bigger.

  • pinkocommi

    I find this story surprisingly easy to masturbate to.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Pix or er, yeah!

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

    What, no bodice ripping?

    • NYNYNYjr

      Michelle in a bodice, being held by Somali pirates, Barack arrives on a speedboat to save her

  • George Skullfry

    Who knew that the FLOTUS had a cute little speech impediment?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChilLysol

    Meanwhile, the Romneys nightly ritual involves folding each other's magic undies.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Glurk.

    • vtxmcrider

      OMG, you mean they actually take them off? Then how can they be protected against sin?

      • sewollef

        Magic 600 thread Egyptian cotton.

      • Callyson

        Ever seen a Ken doll–you know, a hunk without a member? I'd bet that's what Mittens looks like under his magic undies…

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Smoooooth.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Zzzzzzzzzzzz……

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Film at elebenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I don't even want to imagine the equivalent Mitt and Ann bedtime ritual.

    • Veritas78

      It involves docking, and an MS-DOS manual.

      • Wile E. Barbote

        Those EBCDIC to ASCII protocol conversions can get pretty steamy.

        • bagofmice

          I was thinking more along the lines of the following:
          Public Tucker void Tuckering (object Tucker, RoutedEventargs e)
          {
          Textbox1.Text = "True";
          }

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          They don't call it Eb-see-DICK for nothing, yaknow.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        C:UsersMittGOTO_ANNVAG
        SYNTAX ERROR

        C:UsersMittREAD_BOOK_OF_MORMON

        *snort* it's really annoying that I can't use backslashes in my self-created computer language.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          If you ESC them, you can.

        • tessiee

          No way.
          They're both unix.

    • 12X34X

      Lots of cold cream and emotional blackmail?

    • Buckminster

      "Mitt? Momma's feeling frisky tonight."
      "There's an app for that."
      "Oh, forget it. The damn dog's on the headboard again."
      "I'll untie him."
      "Mitt?"
      "Yes?"
      "Forget about the frisky. I've lost the mood."

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Here that? That is Phyllis Schlafly having her very first orgasm.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Her panties are soaked with dust.

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

        And cobwebs?

      • sharethegrief

        That Depends.

        • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          I think her new perfume is 'Phyllis: FishAttic Sankapoop'

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Hear that? It's me slapping myself for drinking and posting again.

    • Buckminster

      So that's what it was. I thought Dracula had risen from the tomb.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    WHAT IS JOSEPH COTTON HIDING?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • TribecaMike

      "Airport '77"? That was pretty atrocious.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Shhhhhhhhhhh.
        No.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    GodDAMNit. I had to change ALL the CATS' panties TOO.

    • flamingpdog

      So has Ann retired for the night or forever?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Forever, unless she starts flapping her expensively healthy gums again. I can't stand to look at that woman, she looks like she has never even heard of an orgasm in her life. Bet you good money she squeaks when she comes, I mean, if she comes.

        • Negropolis

          Bet you good money she squeaks when she comes

          Bwhahahahaha!

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Bet you good money she squeaks when she comes

          Here's the video (SFW)
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B72fbXDQ7Lg

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Holy mother of god, that's hilarious!

          • Geminisunmars

            bitch, bitch, bitch

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            No, that's just the first two wives. The third was a sweetheart.

            Wut?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Oh noes! Wet pussys!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        These little guys sure have a thing for Barry. It must be his mellifluously seductive voice. They LERVE hangin' on the bed when I'm checking out his live speeches. Sick little fuckers.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Even Peggy Noonan and Meghan McCain had to!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Dame Peggington of Noonington-on-Twirlynips? Shurley you jest!

        Meghan's had a sump pump hooked up ever since she first laid eyes on Barry.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Chascates has the BEST fucking tips, dammit. I'm'a just go home and lie down now.

    Goddammit, how DARE they look so cute and happy?

    • chascates

      We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the trash web sites for blog gold.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        No, you truly have the best ever stories, dood. I think you should start blogging, except you have better things to do with your time.

  • radio-of-owls

    Raise your hand if you have a girl boner. You do have one free hand, don't you??

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Romantic Hopey posts generate multiple girl (and guy) boners around here.

  • flamingpdog

    This story reminded me of the Tucker Inn in Deadwood, South Dakota, only I kinda doubt there's any dead wood in this story.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Need a space between "a" and "href."

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Jesus Christ, pdog, what the HELL is THAT?

    • Fare la Volpe

      I'm sure it's run by a perfectly lovely couple, but I'd have a very hard time fucking in a house that was furnished by my nana.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        All I can say is, if your nana has similar furnishings, she has a good heart but no taste whatsoever. This is the kind of decor that is guaranteed to shrivel the ween at fifty paces. Plastic tablecloths? Even I, rampant pig that I am, have ixnayed plastic tablecloths.

        • Fare la Volpe

          My grammy's house was actually covered in Japanese woodblock art, kimono patterns, and traditional ceramics because she and my grampy lived there for several years there as teachers. This charming display of culture was offset by her collection of clown paintings and portraits of the saints.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Sounds breathtakingly beautiful, at least up to the "clown paintings" part. What's *with* old ladies' need for portraits of saints? Those things would I swear as god is my witness keep me from EVER wanting to fuck again, just looking at those dreadful, lachrymose, mock-pious expressions. My grammy started tossing things out at age 60, and by the time she died, 40 years later, owned nothing but her bed, a set o sheets, and a change of clothing.

          • tessiee

            "What's *with* old ladies' need for portraits of saints?"

            A decorative china plate with JFK, RFK, and Martin Luther King in profile, and underneath, in curly script, "Brothers Together in Heaven".

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oy, gevalt.

    • bagofmice

      I'm fairly certain the wood in that tableset is dead. I avoid that cruelty by having glass furniture and having a painting of Micheal Landon holding a dead squid in my living room.
      http://brandonbird.com/anguish.html

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        bago', that is the weirdest fucking thing evah. I so need it for my mantelpiece.

  • Fare la Volpe

    In celebration of Presidential sexy times, the la Volpes are cracking open the special dildos tonight.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Video? Pix? Yumyum?

    • UW8316154

      DildoeS – plural. That I can get behind.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        So to speak.

  • rocktonsam

    these two, get a room for cripes sake

  • TribecaMike

    My teenage nephew has a word for it: swag. Works for me as well.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    So unbelievably sweet!!*

    *wingnut proof they are holograms

  • BarackMyWorld

    How many Shades of Grey is that?

    • Fare la Volpe

      All of 'em, Katie.

    • Negropolis

      You know the answer, don't you? Brilliant set up; wish I'd gotten here sooner.

    • Wile E. Barbote

      You know who else had Shades of Grey? Ahhh fuck it. I confess, that's just a pathetic attempt to get some attention by riding on Fare's coattails. God I'm a pathetic little attention whore.

      • HistoriBarb

        You know who else was a pathetic little attention whore…

        • C_R_Eature

          Glen Beck?

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Natch

        • not that Radio

          Scott Walker?

          • Wile E. Barbote

            All of them, Katie. Damnit! There I go again. OK, time to leave the house.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        But *so* cute when you're in the UP stage of your bipolarity.

        • Wile E. Barbote

          You like me, you really like me.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (throws heavy brick) Of COURSE I do, sweetie! Why ELSE would I try to hurt you?

            Sorry. Your insanity just seems to echo mine in so many ways.

            Sincerely,

            Ignatz

  • rocktonsam

    Mitt – Ann, its Saturday night…..

    Ann- god damn it again?

  • jgalleg4

    More proof that he's just another commie Kenyan. Look at a real American, like Newt Gingrich. He doesn't tuck in Callista, he buys her whore diamonds from Tiffany's, then finds his harem.

    • 12X34X

      I am certain some rethuglican talking head will try to turn this into a scandal.

      • groverjefferson

        The Freeper comments on this are predictably horrifying. It has all their most reprehensible memes– the first lady's appearance, the president's sexuality, the question of where he goes after she's in bed…. a real treasure trove.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Anybody who has seen those two practically *sizzling* sexuality at each other has no need to indulge in such fantasies. Therefore, I must assume that these Freepers have neither seen the First Couple nor experienced this thing called "sexuality." Poor dumb schmucks.

          • HistoriBarb

            Half of them don't understand sexuality without mommy issues and the other half can't imagine sexuality without a rent-boy or farm animal.

  • ttommyunger

    Repugs all over the intertoobs are reading this, scratching their heads and exclaiming to themselves, "I don't get it.".

    • George Skullfry

      Well spotted, or, to quote Chet, "Hahaha".

      • ttommyunger

        Gracias.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        A "hahaha" is a fucking valuable thing, I don't just give it away!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          There's Chet! So, invoking your name is the same as a summons, eh?

    • UW8316154

      It's a trap, they just seem, too….happy.

    • Negropolis

      Well, they know a black guy is doing it, and his wife likes it, so it "tucking" must be some degenerate sex act. You know, literally the very one and only one they haven't got around to, yet.

      • ttommyunger

        If only they were a mouse in the corner-they would be gobsmacked!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Considering that these are the same lackwits who gave us sex with barnyard animals (Neal Horsley), prostitutes who change your dirty diapers (David Vitter), VERY strange men in the back of an SUV (Nikki Haley) and on an Appalachian trail on Naked Hikers' Day (Mark Sanford), it's hard to believe there is ANY degenerate sex act they haven't yet engaged in. Enthusiastically.

    • C_R_Eature
  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    This is racist against Romney…robots can't understand the human emotion "love"

    • tessiee

      "THIS EMOTION CALLED 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES ME!!!" — Lrrrr, of the planet Omicron Perseii 7

  • BarackMyWorld

    "I swear to God you could drown a toddler in my panties right now."
    -Pam

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      Ha! Love that show.

    • Exhausted66

      Sploosh!

    • Negropolis

      Baby-killer!

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    "I want your big fat organic zucchini growing in my victory garden! But let's just tuck first."

  • TribecaMike

    Speaking of happy sexy fun times, Chris Christie was spotted earlier today at a Paterson Motel 6. Check out the numerous torrents at Pirate Bay, IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS muuyyyyaaaaaaahhhhhh!

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Did he eat Tom Bodett or something?

      • anniegetyerfun

        "We'll leave the light on for… aaaaaugh! Aughhh! Fat man is eating my foot!"

    • Negropolis

      Suffice it to say, it involved copious amounts of chicken, gravy, vetoes, and cakes we like.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Gunner Asch

      In Patterson that's just the way things go
      If you're fat you may as well not show up on the street
      Unless you wanta be the Veep

    • C_R_Eature

      In Patterson did Christie Khan
      A stately feeding-trough decree:
      Where Passaic, the blackred river, ran
      Past taverns measureless to man
      Down to a scum-filled sea.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        We're in a Coleridge mood then, are we? I noticed your tagline.

        • C_R_Eature

          You're the only one who has! It's appropriate, on a number of levels.

          Actually, the first two lines sprang unbidden into my mind & I had to go with it from there. I think it was the meter-match of Xanadu and Patterson that did it. I have no real explanation for these things.

          • flamingpdog

            I noticed your tag line earlier, but I am most definitely poetry-impaired.

          • C_R_Eature

            Sam Coleridge. I like it. There's so many famous lines in this one.

            Albatross! Albatross!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            For reasons that will doubtless never be known or discovered, I memorized the Rime of the Ancient Mariner as a sprout of ten, or so. I think that was the year I had every childhood ailment going around and spent most of my time reading, in bed.

          • C_R_Eature

            And a thousand thousand slimy things
            Lived on; and so did I.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Her lips were red, her looks were free
            Her locks were yellow as gold
            Her skin was white as leprosy
            The nightmare Life-in-Death was she
            Who thicks man's blood with cold

            Between the opium fantasies and the rolling, ponderous meter and rhythm, this is probably the best thing Coleridge ever wrote. Also, monsters.

          • C_R_Eature

            Is Death that Woman's mate?

            Monsters, alsotoo.

            Surely, Coleridge was a true genius and "Just Say No" was not in his phrasebook.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            My evil dad loves that poem, so I have a Coleridge phobia and cannot read his stuff.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I didn't know your dad was evil.

            But Coleridge deserves better than to have your evil dad's mark on him. He really was good, though he fell short of his own talent — lotos-eating will do that for you.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            I didn't know your dad was evil.The evilest, perhaps on a par with your mom. Maybe that's part of why I feel a kinship to you.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'm so sorry to hear that, sweetie. Here's an extra-big hug to make up for some of it.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Nothing to explain, my man, you're on a roll, go with it.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    East Wing, West Wing. East Wing, West Wing.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Dick Cheney used to tell his wife..
    "Go tuck yourself."

    • BarackMyWorld

      plus 100

    • JustPixelz

      It was the most loving thing he ever said to her.

    • JustPixelz

      Then he shot her in the face.

    • biblioteq_tress

      The rumor is Lynne gets tucked by women.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I read her hot lesbian sex novel, which she and Darth Satan appear to have bought right off the market since he ran for Prez, I mean Veep. If she ain't gettin' tucked now, she probably has been at some time.

      • Negropolis

        Mary Cheney libel!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Joseph Cotton hit by a train.
    The End.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    That microphone looks very happy in that picture.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    now THIS is a "Happy Funtime" post I can believe in.

    • sewollef

      Reminds me of another touchy feely picture moment, that's still on the White House website.

      It's of a little boy touching the President's hair after asking whether it felt the same as his. The picture is three years old despite the usual practice of rotating in newer content regularly.

      The kid — now 8 years old — wants to be either the President or a test pilot. Touching.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        That's a beautiful photo. Thank you for the link.

        It really touches me to the depths of my soul to see a little boy reach up and touch the President's nappy hair. Thank you, Mr. President, for knowing how to reach out to a little Black boy.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Absolutely lovely.

  • Troglodeity

    "Yes, God yes, tuck me … Tuck me like I've never been tucked before!"

  • TribecaMike

    Apropos of nada, Dr. Ruth Westheimer once appeared on PBS's "Dinosaur Train" as an Archeopteryx, whatever that freeky deeky thang is.

    "Top" that, deviant co-splayers!

    • George Skullfry

      I quite liked Dr Ruth.

      • TribecaMike

        As do I.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Five bucks says there's Archeopteryx porn already somewheres on the internets. Half bird– half dino– all tearin' that opteryx up.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg
        • flamingpdog

          That did not make me want to be turning Japanese.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Listen, I am *constantly* amazed by the weirdness of the pornz available on the InterNetz.

            Is this the first time I ever got you, pdog?

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            Protip: Never say "Eat me" to a velociraptor.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Pro-er protip: Never assume that there *isn't* someone out there who would say that, mean it, and have a fetish (admittedly, one-time only) for it.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Holy shit! That's wrong on so many levels they're going to have to invent new levels just to accommodate them.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            OK, here's what REALLY gets me about this: there is a NAME for it. Kaiju porn. Srsly. Someone actually thought about this long enough to invent an entire genre of … dinosaur porn.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Her ass is oddly shaped. Maybe she's part dino herself. That would it explain it. Wouldn't it?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Doctoress Ruth? I sure hope so. I've had a thing about lizard-people ever since watching V.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Also…what the fuck is up with Japan?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            That's a pretty broad question. I believe Killer Bride's Perfect Crime might hold the answer you seek. Available through Netflix, instawatch. Vermilion Pleasure Nights is the only acceptable substitute. (But not as funny.)

          • Fare la Volpe

            Kaiju is the Japanese word for the giant monster genre of movies, e.g. Godzilla, Mothra, Son of Godzilla. They even use it to refer to Western productions like Clash of the Titans and King Kong. It's not the name of a porn genre so much as calling something "monster porn" makes it a genre.

            Also, EWWWWW.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Thank you for clearing that up, sweetcheeks.

            Srsly Ewwage. I can't imagine who came up with the first dino porn. Who thinks up this stuff?

          • Fare la Volpe

            Scalies. They're furries but with lizards instead of wolves.

            I didn't think it was possible to be creepier than furries, but these fucks managed to pull it off.

  • anonymousryan

    TUCK ME! TUCK ME! TUCK MEEEEEE!

  • MinAgain

    That sound you just heard was the sound of thousands of American women simultaneously slapping an Obama 2012 sticker on their car bumpers.

    • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

      Well, slapping something at least.

    • Negropolis

      Is that what the women are calling 'em these days? "Car bumpers?"

      You know, I don't see nothin' wrong with a little bumper grind…

    • Buckminster

      Hey, that wasn't my car bumper.

  • Barb

    Okay, who are we supposed to change our panties with? Is this like keys in a fishbowl or something.

    • George Skullfry

      Or, alternatively, what should we change them into? Unicorns? (Ouch) Hot tub water jets? (nevermind, see you later).

  • littlebigdaddy

    I haven't had a good tucking in ages!

  • Negropolis

    "He’s like, Ready to be tucked? I’m like, Yes I am."

    If Wonkette can't make this a meme, we ain't worth shit.

    • not that Radio

      Skulltucking?

      • 12X34X

        Skulltucking mothertuckers!

    • NYNYNYjr

      Tuck it hard!

  • Negropolis

    I bet he tucked Michelle in extra tight on the night he was killing Bin Laden.

    A president's job is never done, well, unless you're "clearing brush" at the Crawford ranch for half the year.

    • biblioteq_tress

      In fairness to Shrub, sometimes you have to clear the brush before you get to the tucking.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Somehow that comment just BEGS for the ex-Preznitwit's last name in there somewhere.

    • glamourdammerung

      I bet he tucked Michelle in extra tight on the night he was killing Bin Laden.

      Is this a double entendre?

      I am being facetious.

  • Wile E. Quixote
    • JustPixelz

      Clinton and Lewinsky don't count because — according to Newt Gingrich — blowjobs aren't sex.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Throw another tape on the fire?

      • HistoriBarb
        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I actually read his link all the way to the end.

          Round these heah parts, it's "Throw another cat on the bed." But I digress.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Dear Gawd(!),
      Dearly beloved Madeline Kahn was great, and Gilda Radner, too.
      Glory Days, and sorely missed.
      Bless their hearts, and the brilliant younger women who carry on.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        You can actually buy the season one episodes from iTunes. I picked up few of them including this one, and The Nixons Watch "Blind Ambition" sketch from season 4, which is still hilarious. Dan Aykroyd does one of the best Nixon impressions ever.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Hey, this is unfair to George W. Bush and Laura Bush. They used to do this cute little My Pet Goat cosplay every night.

    • biblioteq_tress

      So, the brush-clearer dressed as a goat? That's somehow appropriate.

      Unless Laura dressed as a goat, & Dubya dressed as the naughty librarian.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        That was very cruel of you. Now I can't get the picture of Dumbya with Palin's glasses on in a tight, slit black pencil … HORK!

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Heh heh heh.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Laura: So, Georgie…wanna play tonight?

      George: Na aa aa aaa

  • Negropolis

    Surely, this is a BTD; a Big Tucking Deal, indeed.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Radio

      And a BFD, too; Big Fapping Deal.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Between this and the Joe Biden story I'm wondering if our editrix is going to end up with carpal tunnel syndrome this weekend.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Woof.

  • rickmaci

    For those keeping score, here is a short list of the things BHO has grabbed from the grimmy mitts of the Conservatrash and made part of the Progressive directive:

    1. Foreign affairs
    2. Domestic security
    3. Family
    4. Reductions in government size
    5. Reductions in federal spending
    6. Propping up private sector in time of stress
    7. Marital fidelity
    8, Being an all around guy guy.
    9. Winning the war on Christmas.

    Now if I could just get him to go to the gun range with me once a month…

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, but TPSB (The president's still black). If you take him to a gun range, they'll just end up calling him a thug, since all black people with guns are thugs.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Eh, challenge him to a game of basketball. He's got a court.

  • usuhname

    and then the tentacle monster comes and tucks Barry in too, whispering soft lullabies about nuclear launch codes into his ear…

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      It's the chupacabra!!!! Aieeee!!!!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Wow. I feel – love. Nothing but pure, honest, unrestrained love, respect, admiration, desire, appreciation, joy – an empirical and fundamental understanding of another person's most intimate nature. Two people honestly enjoying the fact of the others' existence.

    And they are the most vilified, hated, threatening/threatened couple we've ever had sleep in the White House.

    What a wonderful world this WOULD be…I would want him to get all the way in the bed with me though – not just shove me down in the covers. Tuck this, Pres O, all the way in.

    • George Skullfry

      And they are still, you know, pretty much all right with each other despite the threats and incessant vilification.

      I was impressed with the way the Clintons ignored/deflected the shit that was thrown at them (even the shit that Bill sort of deserved).

      The Obamas have played through the shitfield even better. I dunno if it's easier or harder because Barry doesn't actually deserve the shit, but man, they still sparkle when they're together.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Yeah, it's pretty damn admirable.

        I wonder why I have been through this thread umpteen billion times in the past 14 hours without ever seeing this comment (and its preceding node) once.

  • JustPixelz

    Sure that's all sweet and romantic. And he's the President. But Michelle: He's not good enough for you! "Mrs. Just Pixelz" … Please think about it.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Get in line.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Ahem.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          We all are, right?

  • JustPixelz

    The Overton Window II by Glenn Beek

    President Graham sat on the edge of the bed. The First Lady lay casually across the sheets, her skimpy nightgown slipped off her shoulders exposing her firm breasts and erect nipples. She looked at his groin.
    "Shouldn't you be at Def Con Two by now?" she asked in a sultry voice.
    "Don't tease the panther," he replied. "Let me tuck you in." Then pulled the covers over her and kissed her cheek.
    "Maybe tomorrow?" she asked plaintively.
    "Sure baby."
    He walked down to the situation room. Vice President Trump was waiting impatiently.
    "Don't you ever keep me waiting again motherfucker!"
    "Yes sir."
    "I'm at Def Con Two and you know what that means."
    The President sank to his knees.
    "That's right you cocksucker," said the Vice President. "That's just right."

  • C_R_Eature

    My first thought when I saw this was: "How could you not like these two?"

    My second thought was: "Oh, right. FOX 'News'."

  • Werner_Voss

    I hope he tucks better than he throws a baseball. Or runs a country. }:{

    • Fare la Volpe

      Pew, get a whiff of that stink! Smells like someone dropped a heaping pile of troll.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        The have just poor hygiene skills.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Yup. Infestation time.

    • JustPixelz

      Let's practice for the pretend Romney administration:

      I hope he can tuck better than he ran Massachusetts. :(

      As a former missionary, he can only tuck one way. But when it comes to his principles, he can tuck you any way you want.

      I remember the day Romney can to my factory. He tucked us all.

      • tessiee

        "As a former missionary, he can only tuck one way."

        As a person with magic underwear, he can only tuck one way.

    • Boojum

      Oh, look, it haz a sad. It wanted loving parents, like the Obamas, but instead it had cold, emotionless Republicans.

    • Wile E. Barbote

      Who let the Nazi faggot in?

      • Fare la Volpe

        Faggot libel.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        We faggots disdain the fecking Nazis, you know.

        • Wile E. Quixote

          Ernst Röhm and the boys in the Sturmabteilung (the Log Cabin Republicans of Nazi Germany) would disagree with you.

          • Chichikovovich

            I dare say MittBorg is describing the post-Long Knives situation.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            There's a film I saw forever ago about Rohm's lads – and thanks, Chich, I believe it was called "Night of the Long Knives," but you know, I've never been able to find it.

            Those faggot lovers in the Nazi party sure made short work of dear Ernst, didn't they, darls?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Actually, the real Werner Voss was a WWI German fighter pilot. So, what you meant to say was "Hun Faggot".

        I am here but to help.

        • C_R_Eature

          I think the term you all are searching for it "Fun Haggot".

          No need to thank me.

          • Doktor StrangeZoom

            Fun Haggis would be another thing altogether.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            No such thing…unless rights of passage can be "fun".

          • C_R_Eature

            I've had Haggis. It's not as much Fun as it sounds.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            But have you had Lutefisk?

          • C_R_Eature

            You couldn't pay me enough to eat old Codfish rehydrated in Lye. Although it's probably better than the Icelanders' Horrible Rotten Buried Shark

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I thought it was Rotten Trout, but since I declined the honour, you would probably know better. I have to admit to being somewhat fond of the dreadful salt fish, like bacalao and ikan bilis (known human carcinogen, yum!), but I draw the line about a mile or two my side of lutefisk.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Great minds think alike. I can't imagine the circs under which haggis could be fun, but immediately after wondering such a thing, I of course went on to wonder if it had been Rule 34'ed.

          • C_R_Eature

            I can't imagine the circs under which haggis could be fun,

            Scotch. Scotch, Scotch. Scotchy Scotch Scotchety Scotchety Scotch.
            And then, a little Scotch.

            That's pretty much it.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            How about we settle on Troll Douchebag?

          • C_R_Eature

            Good one, though Droll Touchebag works also.

          • Chichikovovich

            Or it would, if he were droll.

          • C_R_Eature

            Ah. A contradiction in terms, is it not?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            And can you imagine anyone letting him Touche their bag?

          • C_R_Eature

            Heavens no. You might just get Coxsackie

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I thought the punchline was, "Don't tell me, let me guess. You had smallcox as a child."

        • Wile E. Quixote

          Hun, Nazi, what does it matter? In the end he went down like a punk-ass bitch, just like Werner.

          • glamourdammerung

            Hun, Nazi, what does it matter? In the end he went down like a punk-ass bitch, just like Werner.

            Or Breitbart.

    • Wile E. Barbote

      Poor Werner, he's just cranky because the only person who ever tucked him in was Evangelical Youth Pastor Bob at der Hitler Jugend Lager.

    • Negropolis

      I hope he tucks better than you make a joke.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    GROSS!!

  • BlueStateLibel

    Upon reading this, angry wingnuts in miserable marriages have another angry.

    • BenGleck

      See Werner_Voss above. Very frustrated. Hasn't tucked in years,apparantly.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Way the fuck off topic…

    It's funny cuz it's true.

    (It's not true.)

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    I Believe In You, Cupid Me!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Even more the fuck off topic…

    Saw this in an article I was reading and did a double take:
    A Senate panel expressed its outrage Thursday over Pakistan's conviction of a doctor who helped the United States track down Osama bin Laden, voting to cut aid to Islamabad by $33 million — $1 million for every year of the physician's 33-year sentence for high treason…

    Pushing aside any diplomatic talk, Republicans and Democrats criticized Pakistan a day after the conviction in Pakistan of Shakil Afridi. The doctor ran a vaccination program for the CIA to collect DNA and verify bin Laden's presence at the compound in Abbottabad where U.S. commandos found and killed the al-Qaeda leader in May 2011.
    http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/story/201

    Golly, I'm sure confused by this story.
    I thought the reason we got Bin Laden was because the Bush Administration water-boarded people. Hmmm…that would mean people from the Bush administration were being completely dishonest, and there's never been any proof of that before.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Osama appears to be wearing Temple Garments in one of those photos. Did he convert to LDS (while still alive)?

      • glamourdammerung

        I have wondered if the Mormons have baptized bin Laden yet myself. After all, they got Hitler a while back.

    • BarackMyWorld

      (Sorry for the thickness of the sarcasm, but subtle isn't getting the job done.)

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Eh, sometimes only laying it on with a trowel helps to reduce the bitterness.

    • SexySmurf

      The US gave Pakistan $2.641 billion in 2010 (the most recent numbers I could find on Wikipedia). The Senate is so outraged it's going to punish Pakistan by cutting a little more than 1% of its economic and military aid.

      I think the Senate is trying to break the world record for incompetence (the current record is held by the House).

      • BarackMyWorld

        Even Mitt Romney doesn't think that $33 million is a lot of money.

    • Wile E. Barbote

      I think we should waterboard the members of the Bush administration to get the truth out of them, and Werner Voss as well. Let's go John Yoo on those bastards.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Was Blair Burke too busy with her Pomeranian orphans to cover this story for the Flotus Files?

    Or is the Editrix moving into her territory?

    Cat fight coming?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      I would pay to see that. Move the cat fight to the Jello pit the money would roll in.

  • DahBoner

    Ready to be tucked?

    Is this before or after the goat sacrifice?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      No, wait, the goat is the Bushes' cosplay …

      • biblioteq_tress

        When I really think about this, MittBorg— and sadly this is stuck in my head worse than the chorus from "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick"– I, unfortunately, can all too easily picture Dubs and Laura as happy swinging members of the Furry community.

        Take THAT, you gay-marriage-will-lead-to-turtle-f*cking DOMA asshats!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Oh, sweet lordy jebus.

          I can't decide which is causing more brain-zorts — the thought of Dumz and Lorz yiffing it up, or the thought of people trying to fuck turtles. I understand even *turtles* have difficulty with the last.

          Perdon, I must seek the assistance of painkillers.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Great. Now I'm gonna have Barry White playing in my head all day.

  • glamourdammerung

    That is nothing special.

    Mitt owns several people that tuck Ann (and any other sister wives) in.

  • C_R_Eature

    Man, I went outside to get a few things done and have some fun but I just Couldn't stand the weather.

    • not that Radio

      Well, it is time for stormy weather.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      SO sweet. Boy, you know how to pick 'em.

      • C_R_Eature

        Here's yet another Artist I really miss.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Only guy could pull off a Hendrix cover.

          • C_R_Eature

            Absolutely. Like no one since, and he really made it his own.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Most people shouldn't even try. It's sacrilege.

          • C_R_Eature

            'Tis the truth.

  • gogogodzilla

    I'll be in my bunk.

  • ingloriousbytch

    Berry needs to get down to business and get wifey pregnant. Nothing would make the teatards crazier than the thought of Barry and Michelle making little black babies in the White House.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I don't think either of them wants another kid, tho.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        Why should they have anything to say about it?

        • flamingpdog

          Why should she* have anything to say about it?

          *from the Republican Party platform.

    • glamourdammerung

      I am kind of hoping he grows an Afro after reelection,

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        That would be so great. I really miss afros.

  • ElPinche

    I just pre'd . That's my brohammer Barry.

  • anniegetyerfun

    When will President Obama apologize to Bristol about this?

  • http://dandalionsworld.blogspot.com/ dandalion

    That picture says it all… marriage of love not for looks or stature… :D

  • Left_Leftie

    Way to bury the lead!
    Why oh why didn't you mention that Prez O'Bams is singing LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" in the shower???????

    • anniegetyerfun

      Girl, look at that body.

      • UW8316154

        I work out

  • Geminisunmars

    Thank you Editrix for posting this just for my birfday.

    • not that Radio

      Happy birfday!

    • Barb

      Happy Birthday! I hope you had a wonderful day.

      • Geminisunmars

        Thank you. Isn't sweet how the whole country gets a weekend to celebrate my birthday? Happens almost every year.

    • flamingpdog
      • Geminisunmars

        Awwwww. Sweet.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Happy birfday, Gem! Big birfday hugs!

      • Geminisunmars

        Thank you, my special wonketteer.

    • proudgrampa

      Happy Birthday, fellow Gemini!

      Love,

      proudgrampa

      • Geminisunmars

        And Happy Birthday to you, Gramps.

  • Geminisunmars

    I'd like to get all tuckered out by that guy.

  • Werner_Voss

    This November ought to be fun, when the voters tell Obama to tuck off. }:{

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Sorry Werner, but the white-supremacist closeted homosexual demographic that you belong to isn't large enough to put Mittbot 3000 into office.

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Odd troll, as trolls go. He's flaming spelling on posts from November.

        • glamourdammerung

          Odd troll, as trolls go. He's flaming spelling on posts from November.

          Not really that odd for this group of insect(s). After all, it is the only way they can pat themselves on the back for "winning".

    • C_R_Eature

      Presidents come and presidents go/They rise like smoke they fall like snow

      Do you believe the things you say? Your lofty thoughts are filled with hay.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Oh, and Werner, even if President Obama does lose in November it doesn't mean that he's going to have the time (or the desire) to tuck you up the ass with his big, black cock, regardless of how much you want it, so you'll just have to go on Craigslist and find another black guy to tuck you up your ass with his big, black cock.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        I believe TuckBoy.com has just what Werner is pining for.

    • flamingpdog

      You sound like the kind of guy who's into explosive devices, but I can tell you right now that if brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.

  • BarackMyWorld

    All kidding aside, to me this is like hearing about my parents doin' it.

  • Exhausted66

    Oh my god, show me on the mobile device where touch.wonkette'd you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Click the three bars in the bottom left and select the Show Desktop View option to get to comment-reading friendly mode.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Right below the tag cloud in the right-hand column.

      • Exhausted66

        It upper left on my iPhone.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Even better: Troll Hentai. (and by better, I mean worse)

  • TribecaMike

    Romney staffers respond: "We don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!"

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Panties? How did you know I was wearing panties tonight?

  • shortsandpants

    Clinton would find Ladies of the Night, Nixon would drink himself to oblivion, and LBJ would put Lady-Bird to bed with a drunken slap in the face. This is such a nice change.

  • greenide1

    Mittens tucks Ann into her dog kennel and ties it to the top of the station wagon.

  • flamingpdog

    OT, but this one goes out to Werner Voss.

    From the story:
    Asked if she was ever unhappy with Mr. Ebeling’s instruction, Mrs. Romney said in a deposition in the lawsuit, “I think that is not a fair question because we all get upset at certain times with anybody that is — you know, especially a German.”

    • C_R_Eature
    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Huh, my brother is marrying a German. I've found Germans to be some of the friendliest chaps going. Certainly more outgoing that the French, although they have other cultural quirks.

      Our chum Werner is merely exhibiting a nasty aspect of the American psyche: vaunting of what's perceived to be supremacist and pure fight. Fuck him.

      Some Germans are cunts, sure. So can be anyone, even Americans like "Werner Voss" – whose namesake would spit in his face for being a pussy.

      • Negropolis

        I don't know, besides American tourists, Germans rank right up there with us along with the Chinese.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          At least their government works (these days).

          • Fare la Volpe

            You haven't seen much of the German government lately, have you?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Congratulations on the New Fambly by Mariage. I have a somewhat different view of Germans, having worked for several who seemed wont to opine that Hitler should have finished "the job," the job in question being unspecified except by winks and nudges, and me being awfully sensitive to anti-Semitism, I probably drew the wrong conclusion. BUT. It's still a happy occasion for you, so I'll be kvetching in the corner by myself. (Hugs Fukui-san)

        • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          I've heard Americans give the same opinion, and I've seen American tourists in Europe.

          Were I to stereotype Americans as ignorant, fat, loud, bellicose, intellectually squalid oxygen thieves who treat Europe as a theme park, it would be a mistake, since it's not universally true.

          Meh. It is what it is. There are cunts from every country.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        My experience living and working in Germany was pretty positive. If you're in Germany and you try to speak German, even if you're speaking it badly, the Germans are incredibly friendly and patient, even the members or the Bundesgrenzschutze. For the first few months I was there I started most conversations with "I'm sorry, but I'm an American and don't speak much German but am trying to learn. Could you speak a little more slowly" and the Germans would accomodate me and then, very politely, tell me how good my German was (it wasn't). Of course I'm also a white guy. Coming back from a trip to the Czech Republic was interesting. I handed my passport to the machine gun toting member of the Bundesgrenzschutze who came aboard the train at the border and told him I was a citizen of the United States. He didn't even bother to open it up to see my work and residency permit. The Turkish family that was coming into Germany, and who had German passports, was grilled quite extensively making me think "Wait, I've seen this movie before. You're on a train and a German with a gun asks you for your papers. Uh oh".

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Mephisto, with Klaus Maria Brandauer, dir. Istvan Svabo. The speech about the schwartze is one of the more memorable scenes in the film.

          Edit: Changed name of director from Volker Schlondorff to correct name.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      You know who else got upset with the Germans….

  • Jeffer

    Barb and I will have been together for 6 years tomorrow. I'm going to grill a small ribeye roast (more like a huge steak) tomorrow. Barb and I have tried to get a trellis going with both morning glory and moon flowers. The garden is doing well, except for the peas, which honestly, we knew were a gamble this late in the year. Our neighbor's dog passed away, and we're both very sad about that. When we first moved here, she would bark at us, and we started tossing over a small treat for her (with her owner's approval) when we went out in the back yard. The barks turned into a small "woof" after about a year. Tomorrow will be the first time I've grilled where there won't be that woof. Sniff.

    For all those who've served our country, a huge Thank You.

    And with that, what is everyone else doing tomorrow?

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I will be violently tearing out all of the morning glory growing over from my neighbors yard tomorrow. Its pretty much considered a weed I my neck of the woods. But congrats on the anniversary. I consider barb to be my snark guru and I will woof anytime in her honor.

      • Jeffer

        Barb takes a chainsaw to the orange trumpets that our (other) neighbor has growing over our wall. I shan't tell you the words she say's while she does it. It's kind of hot watching her do it though. Sort of like the car washing scene in Cool Hand Luke.

      • Barb

        DAWG! I hope you take a hot, steaming, poop on those morning glory.
        Will you be BBQ-ing?

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          No one will be pooping on the morning glory as that will just make them grow faster. My actual big red dog has been farting all day. I had to check a couple of times to make sure the smell wasn't coming from me. I bbq'd with friends today but may be inspired to BBQ a nice tasty fetus tomorrow. Hope you guys have a good time and you go totally Michelle all over Jeffer's Barack.

          • Barb

            I went to the store today and they were out of fresh fetus, I will not eat the frozen stuff, and they were out of bagged ice. We had to buy frozen fetus to keep our beer cold.

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I only buy fresh, organic, non GMO fetus from the local farmers market. Luckily I live in a city chock full of baby killers (democratz) so we are never short of fresh fetus.

          • Barb

            If your Fetus Farmer's Market has a run of fresh fetus on hand you should add a slice of lemon to the bag before you toss it into the freezer.

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            The hands are the best part. Cooked well you can just crunch right through the bones. Oh wait, that's not what you meant. Anthony Bourdain has the best fetus recipes. Paula Deen only uses canned fetus. GROSS!

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Yes, but are they grass fed?

    • Barb

      Yes, tomorrow is our six year anniversary of living together. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was so excited to see you and I was crushed by this horrible feeling like I was dying when I saw you. I had to stop and catch my breath and I remember begging God to give me the strength to walk to you and I was struggling to breathe.

      I stopped and prayed to God, "Dear Lord, I flew from the other side of the country to be with this man. Please, give me a little happiness in my life and allow me to have the love that I deserve for once in my life."

      My legs felt weak and I thought I was going to pass out. I looked at Jeffer and I felt he was going to be the last thing I ever saw in my lifetime.

      Duh, I never considered that I got me a big lung bucketful of high altitude, lol. My cupcakes are often flat, but my heart is full.

      Let's hear from all of you wonderful Veterans who served our country. We owe you everything.

      • Jeffer

        I've been so very happy since you've been here. Lots of fun and funny stories and lots of laughter and love. It's what we both deserve.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          No better pair, you two.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Happy Anniversary!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hey, Jeffer-dood! (Hugs Jeffer)

      I've been with my partner 14 years come tomorrow. We'll be making a huge greasy pile of ribs slathered in pomegranate molasses and chilli-garlic vinegar which we hope to snarf with potatoes and sweet potatoes skillet fried with slab bacon and bitter greens, and caramelized onions. Sorry about the pup. Better hug Barb lots, dood, she probly haz a big sad.

      We're hiking our local Rose Garden with cameras and friends, after eating ourselves stupid. Movie fest at night, with Ben 'n Jerry's.

      • Barb

        Hobbes, I always kept puppy treats for Hayley in my pantry. We would wash the dinner dishes and I would cut up the small pieces of leftover meat for Jeff to throw to her.

        Congrats on your anniversary! Your dinner sounds most delish!

        I need a few more things for my garden and I will go to Home Depot tomorrow. I don't want to have that "salsa" garden of peppers, onions and tomatoes. You can buy that shit in jars anywhere.

        We can no longer buy ice cream at my house. We try to leave the grocery store and men have to stop Jeffer and ask him about his snazzy little red sports car and my ice cream dies a horrible death in the trunk in the desert sun.

        • Jeffer

          FYI, Barb approved of the sports car. The ice cream (Caramel Pretzel) is fine. Someone who, quite honestly, is a minor annoyance disturbed her for a moment. And we will be enjoying the ice cream tomorrow without any troubles.

          • Barb

            No static at all, FM.

      • Jeffer

        Congrats to you and your partner!
        Pork with a nice sweet/spicy sauce is the food of the gods. Molasses and chili are two of our musts when preparing ribs. Best wishes for your celebrations!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Thank you! Very happy day here!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Dammit, I hate it when you post foodie erotica! And by hate it, I mean love it.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I'm'a post me a Burmese fish soup recipe, you don't watch yourself there.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I presume you are going to tuck her.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You talkin' to me? Huh? You talkin to ME?

        Yeah, we did some tuckin'. Hey, wut? I mean, this *IS* our tuckiversary, thankyewverymuch.

  • flamingpdog

    OT, but we Wonketeers can rest easy because the words skullfucking, Barb, and Chet Kincaid are not on the list of words to avoid using on line if you don't want the US gubmint spying on you.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Fong sum, fong sum.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Dammit! I'm a reverse voyeur and I get off on people spying on me.

    • George Skullfry

      I recall seeing this list several months ago. Must be a slow news day at the Daily Fail.

    • not that Radio

      Luckily text filters are so literal. There is a section of words related to weather, and I was concerned that my thesis and all correspondences with my research advisor would get me sent to GTMO. But they're only worried about "Lightening", and not lightning.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I've been worried about lightening for years. But then again, I'm brown.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Michael Jackson libel!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Well, let's be fair, in his case, he sought it out. Can you imagine how much worse it is when you're puttering along minding your own business and out of the blue, a bolt of lightening leaves you three shades closer to "honky"? Let me tell ya, the rellies would want an explanation tout suite.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Well, I hope your skin stays its lovely brown.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Aw, you so sweet. Much sweeter than my rellies, for sure.

  • Jeffer

    Her exact words at the car dealership were: "I fucking love this car!". I do not deny the power of the Barb.
    Peace out BSFD!

    • Barb

      Jeffer told me not to let on that I liked the car so that we could make a deal on it. I blurted out, "I fucking love this car!" Then I was all like, "did I say THAT aloud?"

  • Barb

    Hilarious, Flaming! I'm not sure about "Chet Kincaid" though.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "Pork Cloud Team Mexico" is terrorism? I thought it was a show on Adult Swim!

      • George Skullfry

        Is that the one with the talking carnitas enchilada instead of the french fry guy?

      • Wile E. Quixote

        I thought it was a Lindsey Graham sex tape with Lindsey dressed up as Captain Hambiscuits.

  • TribecaMike

    An innocuous photo of a Black couple making googly eyes at each other. No wonder the right is pooping its pants.

    I can hear the ghost of William F. Buckley crying, "Such things are not meant to be seen by decent white people. Make it go away, mommy."

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    I feel like shit because I might have started this "Barb/Radio" thing. We've lost V572 and weej? That sucks donkey balls.

    Crap. Whoever posted any bit of a pic of another commenter here … I hope you feel like complete crap, you fucking asshole.

    • Barb

      My response to this is going to take a few minutes, please, be patient.

    • Negropolis

      Wait, wha? I'm so confused.

  • Barb

    Part 1 of 2:

    V, posted a picture of me, and minimized it as his avatar. This is a serious invasion of privacy. V also chose to use my personal information and searched my husband's parents divorce records from 35 years ago and emailed me about it. V also said that Limey Lizzie and I were "whoring around on Wonkette" He also said that he could "teach me to say things so that I could be noticed."

    V posted to "Actor" and said he was an "idiot" and signed my name to it. He implied that my husband was paid in "casino coupons" My husband is a few credits short of his PhD, and is paid a salary and then a percentage of anything above what he plans to earn for his company. The profit he earned for his company was 97.5 million last year. I can't do the math on that. "Name brand corn dogs" is all I can say about that.

    V also likes to email me to tell me that he is going to go and masturbate. I IGNORE his email and I have ignored them for the longest time. For the love of Christ, I was out of surgery, hooked up to oxygen, with leg compression cuffs to keep me from developing blood clots, with a 13-inch incision through 5 layers of my body, with a huge chunk of my body sliced out and V emailed me to ask me how to cook a lobster and then got pissy that I couldn't answer him. Fuck me, I couldn't eat oatmeal and he wants me to fetch something that he could have Googled?

    • Barb

      Part 2 of 2:

      V also emailed me tonight and blamed me directly for Weejee, "the other casualty" V was casualty? If you quit, you are a "deserter" and not a "casualty"

      I am not, as V calls me, "his internet girlfriend" I am not the dimwitted girl who needs a "Svengali."

      As for Weejee, there was a misunderstanding and it was apologized for and explained again and again. I can only kiss so much ass before I start to feel as minimized as V would like me to feel.

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        Barb, damn.

        V is a marble-topped asshole and no loss, in that case.

        Honestly, you've no reason to defend either yourself or Jeffers – fuck me, you two are part of the heart of the commenting here, and we all love the two of you. Nobody would care if Jeffers was taking fucking WIC and then whoring himself out to sailors for blood diamonds. (well maybe a bit, but only the blood diamonds)

        You shouldn't have to put up with shit like that, and fuck V for going weird. It sounds like our fine Editrix has been golden as usual during the entire episode and thus should earn even more of our collective respect.

        Thanks for clearing it up a bit Barb, and I've followed your updates about the daughter: fingers crossed as always.

        PS come back weej.

        • Barb

          Jeff has blood diamonds? Is this like a hide and go seek thing? I'm gonna tear this house apart today and find those diamonds. The game's afoot!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I'm adding my voice to that: PLEASE come back, weej. I've just begun appreciating your sly, clever humour as it deserves, and I miss it already.

          As for the V stuff — I've known about it since ID burped out people's private eaddies by mistake sometime ago. I think I saw SorosBot's real eaddie, and a few other peoples' eaddies as well. I wrote a couple of you to warn you, deleted the mistakenly-released info, and thought no more about it. Somewhere along the way, I found out that V was harrassing Barb. I just assumed they were old friends and this was acceptable to both of them, until V started making weird comments about various Black women. I said something to him about how creepy it sounded, and never heard more. But the harrassment of Barb escalated. I stayed out of it mostly, but I'm glad to see it's been resolved. I'm sorry about V. He was very bright and witty. But there is no room for maltreatment of fellow-Wonketteers, and there certainly shouldn't be any countenancing of sexual harrassment, or any kind of harrassment.

          It's weej I miss, and I can understand his irritation and wanting to be away for a while, but I hope with all my heart he reconsiders soon and returns to Wonketz.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            OK, V572 or whatever your name is, apparently you are still lurking about here and have decided to interpret my preceding comment as "support" of you. Let me clear that up for you right now. I do not support sexual harassers, bullies, and other such vermin. When I said I was "sorry about V," I meant "I'm sorry V turned out to be such a jerk and an asshole." That's really all I'm sorry about. I'm not sorry you're gone, you miserable shit. Now kindly quit harassing Barb by implying that I somehow support you and want you back here. I don't support you. I never want to hear or see you again in any way, shape, or form. And I certainly don't want you stinking up this joint, leering at various women and virtually pawing them with your gross comments. I don't know how else to say this to ya, but damn, motherfucker, you messed with ME now. Maybe you like bullying the ladies, like Barb. But you just better back the fuck off of me. I'm not Barb, asshole.

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        A little more. I've seen people flip the fuck out in communities like this before and it's mostly undiagnosed mental illness or the person has stopped taking medication for a mental illness.

        That's no excuse and V has to go.

        What I'm saying, badly, is that you shouldn't take it personally. You're much loved here, as is my fellow limey Lizzie.

        OK, that'll do for my fat yap. Thinking of you.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Wow! I don't usually suggest actual skullfucking, but it might be appropriate now.

      • George Skullfry

        Well, that's pretty shitty. I appreciate your candor, and I appreciate the explanation, because this was confusing me (and, I suspect, others). My confusion is, certainly, small beer compared to being a victim of cyber-stalking, but it still feels good to have it resolved, so thank you again.

        And I hope Mina(?) is still baking away. Happy Anniversary.

        • Barb

          Mina is baking away. Chrissy is doing fine. Thanks for asking.

      • UW8316154

        Creepy. That is waaay over the line stalking.

      • Chichikovovich

        Part 1 of 2:
        It's troubling that this should have been inflicted on anyone in the community of posters, but especially that it should have been inflicted on you, Barb, since you share with us daily such good will and brilliant wit. Life can bring bleak days, and it softens them a little to know that we can come here and count on finding a little light here. That's a big fucking deal.

        There are some familiar abusive patterns revealed in what you describe. Try to gain a measure of control by finding points of insecurity and attack them. You're an exceptionally intelligent and witty person, and I expect this is part of your self-conception, something you are proud of. It should be. So the abuser tries to create doubt, uncertainty, disturb your equilibrium in your sense of yourself. I'm especially sorry to see that happening in this community, because we all come here to find a place where intelligence and wit are valued and celebrated.

        The "whoring around" remark is especially offensive. The tone in Wonkette is playful, and we'll say things and adopt personae for fun, that's true. But we also understand from personal experience that happiness can be very hard to find, and life can take us on false paths. So it's thrilling, really thrilling, to see people who have found loving bonds that are as healthy, solid and joyful, as you have with Jeff and Lizzie has with her partner. Thanks for sharing that joy with us.

        I don't want to go on an extended ramble, so just to summarize – thanks for all you share with us, and I'm sorry that some of your best qualities – your openness, and the value you place on intelligence, for example – should have been used against you. And in particular, you are brilliantly clever and witty – its good that you won't put up with people chipping away at your hold on that fact.

      • Chichikovovich

        Part 2 of 2
        Just a quick separate addendum on Weejee, since s/he is no longer speaking for him/herself. It was wrong of V to hurl blame as he did for many reasons, but among them is that Weejee's departure had nothing to do with you. Weejee said so directly, in a reply to you. Weejee said that your kind words to him/her were appreciated, and that his/her reasons for leaving had solely to do with his/her interactions with Rebecca. The die is probably cast at this point, so there's no point in a detailed review. And I'm grateful, as we all are, that Rebecca came to your defence and quashed an unacceptable situation. But I'll just observe that in reviewing the Weejee-Rebecca interaction, I don't see anything resembling an apology or even a perfunctory "Sorry about that" for an out-of-the-blue, exceptionally hostile first message from Rebecca aimed at someone who had done nothing to deserve it.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Jesus Christ, that's awful. You are incredibly funny and sweet-spirited, and you and Jeff seem like good people. It makes me really angry that someone abused your personal life like that — especially V, who seemed like one of the good guys. God, I guess it pays to keep it "unreal" with some folks.

    • JustPixelz

      From your posts, I've learned you are smart, funny and you have a big heart. I think I've also learned a few other things about you — like the state you live in, your husband's name, something about a sister. Interesting, but not as important as smart, funny and have a heart. I will ignore V's posts and try to ignore that avatar.

      • Barb

        Lol, Just!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Barb:

      I am very sorry to read about all this. Obviously you are dealing with a lot right now – and whatever garbage some nut has piled on hasn't helped a bit.

      You are the funniest, smartest person here. I write that not to hurt anyone else's feelings (including, of course, my own). It's true.

      And for that sick fuck – "It's disgusting how people will just,
      you know, take something good – and just take advantage of a situation." (Rico, "Hot Rod").

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        TG: You're a champ, but let me tellya, I think this entire community agrees with you that Barb is the funniest, smartest person here.

        • Tundra Grifter

          MB:

          I hope I'm always willing to tip my cap to a better player.

          In the case of the idiot under discussion here, Wonkette is kinda like a nude beach. Anybody can show up, and sometimes that doesn't work out.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Wow. That is some crazy ass shit.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      I love the internet. I mean really, I love it, it's kept me employed for the last 20 odd years, makes it easier to order pizza and means that I don't have to have my porno delivered in all of those anonymous brown wrappers by the USPS any more but Jeez, I wish that we could figure out some way of having all of the cool stuff on the internet (pizza ordering, pornography, Wikipedia, Wonkette, cat videos) without having all of the assholes, stalkers and psychos. It sucks ass that you had to go through this, especially while you were in the body and fender shop with random strangers poking you with things and removing OEM parts.

    • HistoriBarb

      As the Wonkette saying goes, "oh for fuck's sake."

      That is weird and sad and creepy.

      Sorry I'm late to the thread – we've have sick kids this weekend (one with 102 fever and the other vomiting today). Plus, I went to the urgent care clinic yesterday – yay for me?

      • Barb

        I hope you and your children feel better.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Good lord, are you OK?

        Hugs to the whole family.

        • HistoriBarb

          1 out of 3. Maybe 1.5. Mr. fever is back to normal but Ms Pukes a lot has only been able to keep a popsicle down. As for me, let's just leave it at ”my ass hurts”…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Poor sweeties. Many hugs of healingness to the HistoriBarb family, may you all soon be recovered.

  • freakishlywrong

    Tuck me. All the skullfuckery that I have been so blissfully unaware of per Barb's post above. Just be glad he didn't demand you rise from your hospital bed and make you a sammich.

    Thanks and honor to the troops. (It's also my birfday, my certificate of live birth has me named as "baby girl".)

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Happy birthday freakish! And on a long weekend no less. Didn't you mention you'd be visiting somewhere in a flyover state over holiday, or is that going to be later this summer?
      Either way — never a dull moment around here, amirite~

      • freakishlywrong

        Thanks Mumblety! Iowa. Fourth of July. Dear God in heaven. Mr. Freakish has two sons, who've had two sons whom we've yet not met

    • freakishlywrong

      HIM. Make HIM a sammich. Dumbass. (Am not drinking…yet).

    • Geminisunmars

      Happy birthday, fellow Gemini baby girl.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Happy birfdai!

      You KNOW that COLB don't mean a freakin' thing, where's the LONG form?

    • TootsStansbury

      Happy Birthday! Where's your LONG FORM BIRD CERTIFICAT!!!????

  • DahBoner

    What about the Mother-in-Law?

    WHO IS THE MOTHER TUCKER

  • Tundra Grifter

    "Fifty Shades of Black."

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    So, this weekend's BIG STORY on the right-wing blogosphere is starting to head into down-the-rabbit-hole territory. The link I posted seems like a fairly good overview (if sometimes a bit breathless-OMG-Blogpocalypse! in tone); there's additional background here. (CAUTION: There's a lot of blogwar-insider nonsense in virtually EVERYTHING being written about this story so far…much of it is still at the WTF? stage.)

    Basically, from what I can gather, the next big right-wing meme is that in addition to having a copy of Alinsky's "Rules for Radicals," all liberals are also besties with a convicted bomber and all around bad person named Brett Kimberlin, who is probably best known for a story that nobody believed about him selling pot to Dan Quayle. But now, he's a scary Librul Leader who gets funding from George Soros and Barbra Streisand, so you know just how serious a threat he is. And yes, Glenn Beck is worried about him, so I'm sure he's warming up his blackboards.

    Also, it's now "common knowledge" in the Wingosphere that leftist operatives are now regularly in the habit of "SWATting" rightwing bloggers–spoofing a phone caller ID, calling 9-1-1, and then claiming that a horrific shooting has happened at the blogger's home, in the hope that the SWAT team will then show up and blow away the blogger. Expect to hear more about all this, because Erick, Son of Erick, now claims that after participating in "Blog About Brett Kimberlin Day," sheriff's deputies pulled up to his hose to investigate a spoofed 9-1-1 call (but you know, he'd warned them that this might happen, and he was pals with the deputies, so no danger).

    The Internet: One Weird Place

    • Wile E. Quixote

      I did some reading on that and Jesus there's some serious fucking crazy involved there. The thing that one of the commenters at Balloon Juice pointed out is that it wouldn't be surprising if some of the wingers were choosing to SWATT each other, those guys are so fucking crazy that they make the craziest dipshit members of the 60's new left, the Symbionese Liberation Army, the George Jackson Brigade, et al look relatively sane in comparison and not only are they crazy, they're incredibly petty and oversensitive and almost as likely to go after another winger for being insufficiently ideologically pure as they are to go after someone they consider to be a liberal. There are wingers out there who believe that Erick Erickson is a RINO and a sell-out because he's on CNN now.

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        Several also pointed out that since Patrick Frey, who blogs as "Patterico" and was apparently the target of a "Swatting," is Prosecutor in LA, it makes as much sense to assume that he was targeted for his main job as for his being a political blogger–I haven't seen any real evidence linking Kimberlin or anyone else to the crime, and so far, law enforcement hasn't acted on Frey's claims that Kimberlin was behind it–none of which is to suggest that Kimberlin is a good guy; he sounds like a creep. Whether he's a creep who's guilty of attempting a murderous phone hack is something for the legal system to work out.

        I also have a sinking feeling that some idiot is going to find in this a good reason to start shooting liberals somewhere, because we're too cozy with terrorists.

  • C_R_Eature

    Submitted, without comment, for Memorial Day.

  • Geminisunmars

    TY, sfn.

  • ttommyunger

    "So Sorry, You Will Need To Change Your Panties Now". Haven't you heard? Underwear's no funtowear!

  • Gainsbourg69

    Fourth, he had a Cuban boyfriend.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Y'know, I really love these long, leisurely weekend threads. Some of my favorite wonketeering.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      True. We all get friendly and cozy, with much fussing and rustling of feathers.

  • Tommy1733

    Dang all these Wonkette chicks are crushing on Barack Obama. The lucky duck.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Yeah, that's exactly what a goodly portion of White America says every now and then.

  • Geminisunmars

    Ah, Merci Chichi. Vous êtes très gentil.