to the hot tub!

Your Memorial Day Weekend Happy Funtime Post: Duke Cunningham Still Behind Bars

Sexy mothafuckerWhen your Editrix taught political science in the UC system — Scandal, Politics and the Press, naturally — she used TalkingPointsMemo as a class text. This was in the heady days of the Duke Cunningham story, first broken by the San Diego Union-Tribune and then ably followed up for months by TPM. Oh, what fun we had with Duke stewing in his nasty boatdeck hot tub, and also drawing awesome diagrams (from memory) featuring all the various skullduggeries of Jack Abramoff and Dusty Foggo! WELL! TPM is still on the case even today, as it lovingly showcases this WAAAAAAH POOR ME letter from the still-incarcerated Cunningham (for those who didn’t take our class, he was a Congressman with a special predilection for dirty filthy greasy money, going so far as to have A BRIBE MENU printed up and on-hand) to a judge. What would he like? A gun. Because the UT persecuted him by uncovering his story, the IRS made him poor (by seizing all his Crime Loot), and oh, lots of other stuff too! Let us look on TPM’s handiwork in awe and admiration.

First and most importantly, Randy “Duke” Cunningham is a blithering idiot.

Second, he will also like to supliment his food. The End. [TPM]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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118 comments

  1. alteredimages

    DEAR JUDGE COMMIE LIBRUL,
    THIS IS CONGRESSMAN FELON-HAM, YA'LL REMEMBER ME?
    ALL CAPS BLAH BLAH BLAH GUNS JESUS VET'RUNS HUNTIN' FISHIN'.
    LAW ENFORCEMENT LOVES ME BECAUSE I LOVE JESUS, AND THEM COUNTRY SHERRIFFS LOVE ME EVEN THOUGH I DONE BROKE THE LAW, I MEAN WHAT'S A LITTLE GRAFT BETWEEN FRIENDS WHEN THERE'S BROWN PEOPLE TO OPPRESS?
    ALSO I WANT MORE PORK GRAVY TO DIP MAH KING DONS IN

  2. TribecaMike

    Still in the jug? No wonder he wants a gun. The Aryan Brotherhood doesn't play nice.

    1. Dr. Nick Riviera

      Aryan Brotherhood? Duke thought that was the local chapter of the Republican party

  3. bumfug

    What kind of country is this where a thieving cocksucker can't finally get out of prison and start shooting shit? You bastards!

  4. hollyrocks209

    Gosh, I can't wait to read those books he's been a-writin'! Although I hope they're not all caps and single spaced.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      He'll have a great pickup line for those on-line dating services:

      HI IM DUKE CUNNINHAM A FOREMER US CONGRESSMAN. I RITE SELF PUBLISHED BOOKS AND NOVLES.

  5. Barb

    He's 71 and has $1,700.00 a month to live on. That will buy plenty of store brand canned cat food for him to eat.

        1. starfanglednut

          I'm not complaining. My disability is not permanent. I have subsidized housing, plenty of food, excellent medical care, and loving friends. I have a good life. It's just I don't want to hear this wanker bitch about getting $1700, which I would consider a fortune.

          1. MittBorg

            That's what I mean, sweetie. Here you are, living on less than half what this scumbag is scheduled to get, and you're NOT complaining. And Mister WhinySissyPants over there can't get the dick out of his mouth fast enough to whine.

  6. StealthMuslin

    Why, he's as eloquent as Honest Abe Lincoln if ol' Abe had sustained a massive head injury!
    Oops! Too soon?

    1. Wile E. Barbote

      Say what you will about Abe Lincoln with a massive head injury, at least he had an ethos.

  7. Chichikovobarb

    His writing indicates he is a barely literate, very dumb fellow, no lie. Also, of course, he beautifully exemplifies the fundamental Republican stance: "When I said that X's shouldn't be allowed to do Y, I meant the evil X's of my imagination, not me. I'm special and deserve an exception from the rules that I demagogued in favor of."

    The rules against convicted felons owning firearms have been in place since the sixties. Cunningham was in congress for a long time, spouting law-and-order rhetoric, and not once (I assume – I admit I'm certainly not about to wade through the specific details of his history in Congress) did he raise the issue of changing those laws.

    [Reposted from earlier, now on-topic]

  8. Warpde

    Duke does realize that a "Halfway House" is where the good ol boys at least let you get your pants down to the knees, right?

  9. Buckminster

    Geez, cry me a river, you corn-fed grifter! You'll get a gun from us when you pry it from the system's cold, dead hands!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Actually, if he's moving to Arkansas, he'll probably just pick one up cheap at the first garage sale he happens to go by.

  10. Buckminster

    I hope the rabies continues to be rampant in the area he lives in. Rabies makes the best stew…

          1. MittBorg

            At least as far as altar boys are concerned, priests have never established strictures upon the mouthing of their man-meat. But, you know, for rabbis, eh. I think it would depend on how and when. For example, after the sun sets, you know, it's Shabbos.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      There's also a whole bunch of exciting spongiform encephalopathies out there as well. I don't know if I'd rather see Randy get rabies, or a TSE variant. On the other hand how would you know, he's pretty brain damaged already.

  11. potterchik

    A little OT, but I just wanted to say: oh, hey, wow, I have successfully logged in. How did that happen?

  12. FakaktaSouth

    He's going to Little Rock, Arkansas in December? That's better'n going in August, for sure. Talk about hell.

    I will quote from my personal prophet and spiritual guide, Keith Richards' book "Life," regarding Arkansas and take his word – "why did we stop at the 4-Dice Restaurant in Fordyce Arkansas, for lunch on Independence Day weekend? On ANY day?"
    Duke will continue to be made to suffer, I feel confident.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      Ya know, some of those Keef stories annoyed me. I know that the Stones were harassed for the drugs and wanton lifestyle, but sometimes he seems to hint that they had it worse than the nobody who probably [?] would get off because they WEREN'T famous. But the nobody doesn't have a team of lawyers [and in one case The Dole Kingdom] aiding them.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I love Keef with all my hearts for real, he makes me so Happy, I saw his first show with the expensive winos ever, worship him, but oh heck yeah – poor him. NO. He's an entitled little brat to be sure and I'm just not going to feel sorry or righteously indignant on behalf of his Connecticut-spoiled ass. But I've been thinking tacky thoughts about him since I was nigh on 13 years old. Also, the post war imagery, just what it was like when he was a kid, the deal with his Grandfather, how he "feels" about music, was all incredibly interesting to me.

  13. chascates

    Good news: http://www.arkansashunters.org/
    The Mission

    Arkansas Hunters Feeding the Hungry is designed to:
    · Share the harvest of an abundant resource with Arkansans who are in need of food.
    · Partner with the Game and Fish Commission in order to provide a solution for a healthy, balanced deer herd
    · Provide a much needed FREE, low fat, high protein food source to the many feeding agencies and organizations across Arkansas
    · Create a “Provider Purpose” for hunters who participate, allowing them to give back and share their blessings with others.

    That and 1700 George Washingtons a month is a hell of a lot better than what the estimated 67,000 homeless veterans get by on. But then they didn't feel the need to flagrantly steal money to live on.

  14. coolhandnuke

    His chicken scratch post script reads "I will also want to supliment my food."
    With what? Gunpowder? Agent Orange? Plastic explosives? TNT?
    Duke and his Second Amendment diet needs more fiber not a judge..

  15. chascates

    Plus trying to communicate by using all caps SHOULD GET YOU THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!!!!1111

    1. Designer_Radio

      Reading a post from … maybe Mediaite last night after the Walker debate, both sides' campaigns were sending out nastygram emails to constituents live, "factchecking" and such, but guess which side sent out the emails with the ALL CAPS subject lines?

  16. memzilla

    Pros: Is genuine, decorated, Navy pilot fighter ace.

    Cons: is homophobic, reactionary, convicted bribe-taking grifter.

    Even on $1700 a month, he could still afford to buy one of his own $595 buck knives, complete with genuine Seal of the US Congress (unauthorized use of which is a Federal crime).

    Duke Cunningham, Hero Grifter. Nice epitaph.

    1. MittBorg

      You forgot "gayer than a lark with gayitis." Duke Cunningham has sucked more cock than Ducky Doolittle, and that's a hella lotta cock.

    2. Boojum

      What is described as gold etching looks a lot like rust.

      Or this was Dick Cheney's knife and it is the dried blood of infants.

  17. SudsMcKenzie

    "plan on living in a small cabin by a lake to write my books", come on, let this modern day Henry David Thoreau shoot shit.

  18. Blueb4sunrise

    PSA:

    Hitch's Shadow of a Doubt with Joseph Cotton is on one of the wanker ENCORE cable channels.

    1. not that Radio

      Okay, now you got me started

      The cities are full of women, middle-aged widows, husbands, dead, husbands who've spent their lives making fortunes, working and working. And then they die and leave their money to their wives, their silly wives. And what do the wives do, these useless women? You see them in the hotels, the best hotels, every day by the thousands, drinking the money, eating the money, losing the money at bridge, playing all day and all night, smelling of money, proud of their jewelry but of nothing else, horrible, faded, fat, greedy women… Are they human or are they fat, wheezing animals, hmm? And what happens to animals when they get too fat and too old?

      Uncle Charlie ftw

    2. jaytingle

      Take note, Uncle Duke: for all his mendacity, Uncle Charlie was given a magnificent hometown funeral parade.

    1. Chichikovobarb

      Three varieties of competitive shooting of clay pigeons – these are three different categories of launching. Sporting goes from station to station, with varying angles of shot. The idea is to reproduce the unpredictable flight paths of game. Skeet and trap shot from fixed positions, more predictably.

      1. drrty_martini

        I suspected that…but when a barely-literate southerner and "honorable cop" types screeds in all caps about black bears, guns, and sheets, I assume the worst.

        1. Chichikovobarb

          Ah, I see. I had completely missed that he had written "sheet" instead of "skeet". Does add a different flavor, fershur.

          1. flamingpdog

            If Duke wants to exercise his 2nd Amendment rights, he can just do it shooting the "sheet" at the local tavern with all the other good ol' boys.

    2. chascates

      The farmer I work for is having his 25th annual all male campout, this time right behind the house I live in and the celebrants have just finished shooting targets from a neighbors fancy skeet thrower. It's quite a 'blast' so to speak and nothing is injured except possibly your shoulder.
      Fortunately they're now more quiet although tomorrow will bring out the 'spud guns' which fire potatoes using propane gas as a propellant.

  19. Rotundo_

    Randy old bud, you screwed up and got caught because you got too damned greedy. If you would have been even slightly more restrained you would probably be happily retired and slugging down Wild Turkey with your hunting buddies and talking about the good old days on the yacht with the hot tub. I know you're a fighter pilot and a hero, but 1700 bucks a month will buy you groceries and let you live in your mom's basement. It's a helluva lot better than a lot of Vietnam vets have it and they didn't take bribes while holding elected office. You fucked up, own it, take up archery or fishing.

  20. M. Szyslak

    Federal Pen is for PUSSIES. Shoulda gone to Cali State Prison, where guards stage and video gladiator fights for their own amusement.

  21. An_Outhouse

    I FLEW AIRCRAFT THAT COULD DISINTEGRATE YOUR BUILDING

    Is it wise or even legal to threaten the judge?

  22. ChapterUndVerse

    I especially appreciated the line about teaching children, women, and adults.

      1. Callyson

        I wonder what stuff the women who know him are taking. And who their dealer is, also, too.

        1. MittBorg

          Yaknow, when you put it THAT way, Callyson — Bet MomBrother has a couple of cases of psychoactive meds in the house in the same locker where she stores the coke and weed.

  23. SudsMcKenzie

    I would like to comment, but I'm too busy clicking on the Ads, … like at least two of them, everyday now.

    Clickity Click!12

  24. smashedinhat

    In the Washingtonian feature "Best & Worst of Congress" of 2004, Cunningham was rated (along with four other House members) as "No Rocket Scientist" by a bipartisan survey of Congressional staff.

    - Wikipedia

  25. Steverino247

    "My crime was non-violent and a first offense"

    No, Randy, your crimes greatly harmed those whose lives were very violent indeed because you not only voted to subject them to that violence, you made sure their equipment was inferior and came at a greater cost to their families at home. Your war profiteering directly harmed our troops in the field about whom you gave no thought in your quest to enrich yourself and the contractors who bribed you. Your "first offense" is so great you deserve no respect, no honor, no dignity. Every day for the rest of your miserable life should place you at the center of every insult shouted by every drill instructor in the history of warfare. You should be branded and turned loose on the society you robbed with nothing to sustain you. Children in America should be told of your "first offense" so that for generations to come Randy "Duke" Cunningham would be more cursed that Benedict Arnold.

    1. Wile E. Barbote

      Thank you, that was brilliant. Randy Cunningham is like the Jungian archetype or Platonic ideal or the ne plus ultra or something of Republican douchebaggery. What an asshole "I flew aircraft that could disintegrate your building with a half second burst and now I can't carry a .22". Jesus, how did a whiny, self-pitying, massive chancrous mangina like him ever make it through flight school? Oh wait, never mind, this is Navy Flight School, which obviously isn't that hard to get through because John McCain made it too.

      And not only is he a whiny little bitch, he's a stupid, whiny little bitch. Jesus Christ, writing out a bribe menu is bad enough, but doing so on your own stationary? That's a special kind of stupid.

      1. Steverino247

        Not only that, but I've been to that courthouse many times and it would take several passes and all his ammo just to knock out the windows.

        This is the whiny little bitch who wanted the Medal of Honor instead of the Navy Cross he got for shooting down five MiG's. Hey, when you charge up San Juan Hill carrying a bolt action rifle, give me a call.

  26. Chow Yun Flat

    The federal law enforcement official responsible for leaving Cunningham with $1700 per month should have an official reprimand in his personnel file.

    He isn't worth 1700 cents.

  27. aklibtard

    Shit, you could live large in the backwoods of WV on $1700/month eatin' squirrel and trappin' coons (both kinds).

  28. Buckminster

    Good lord, some of us remember when the stellar Conrad Burns got kicked out of his office due to Abramhoff connections. Honestly, when will we learn?

  29. MiniMencken

    Wow! My late father lived in the 50th Congressional District, as did my late stepmother. Neither of them gave a rat's ass about the Duke after his conviction. They did not not need any Congressional favors. So, honestly, I have no familial obligations to help this rat bastard. Sorry, no squirrel guns for you. By the way, have you considered seppuku? Just curious.

  30. Callyson

    So he won't be returning to SoCal? We're glad to hear that much–it's bad enough Mittens has a house down in La Jolla.

    Oh, and having to live on only $1700 a month–welcome to reality, Cunningham:

    Most senior citizens have very small retirement incomes. The median income for those age 65 and older was $25,757 in 2010, according to a new Social Security Administration report. The most common retirement income level is between $15,000 and $19,999 annually, an income range that 12.6 percent of retirees fall into.

    http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/planning-to-r

    Prick.

    1. not that Radio

      No, it's one of Joseph Cotton's awesome monologues in BB4's Hitchcock movie. ↑

  31. Hera Sent Me

    DEER JUDGE:

    I OWNLEE STOLE A FEW MILLION DOLLARS. NOW IRS TOOK ALL MY MONEY EXCEPT $1700 A MONTH (OWNLEE ABOUT $500 MORE THAN A FULLTIME MINNEMUM WAGE JOB). I NEED 2 CARRY GUNS, BECAUSE WHERE I LIVE THERE ARE PEEPOLE EVEN WORSE THAN ME.

    THANK YOU,

    DUKE (NOT WAYNE, THE OTHER, BADD ONE)

  32. Wile E. Barbote

    I wonder if I can write to Randy in prison.

    Dear Randy, you're a stupid whining bitch. Perhaps if our Navy pilots hadn't been boobs and losers like you and John McCain we would have won the Vietnam war.

  33. TribecaMike

    Ironically, when he gets out of prison he'll go back to spending an inordinate time on the stool side of bars.

  34. Dudleydidwrong

    Being as this "Duck of Death" (see Little Bill Daggett) was a Brown Shoe (old slang for US Naval aviator) he more-than-likely went through SERE training. Living in a cabin in the Arkansas woods he should be able to eat pretty damn well from what he can trap and kill with his own hands. Just watch out for those rabid squirrels and skunks; the bears and cougars can take care of themselves, unless you mean something else by "cougars."

    If nothing else the judge should give him a Boy Scout Handbook.

  35. johnnyzhivago

    Congresspersons should ALL have a section of their website where they offer their services (perhaps it could be called "SHOP NOW FOR FAVORS" or "ONLINE STORE"). They could have success stories from people who've bribed them before, rates, terms and conditions and probably take paypal.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Couldn't they just advertise on Craigslist? Oh wait, never mind, Craigslist doesn't allow prostitutes to advertise any more.

  36. GemlikeFlame

    William F. Buckley he ain't. How did a clown that incoherent manage to get to a substantial public office, anyway? There's not one single sentence in his letter that doesn't mangle the english language.

    No, wait. I tell a lie. "You have my word on it." is reasonably structured.

    But that's it.

  37. whatupirondog

    Wait, he's going to be writing books out there in the wilderness? Ooh! I hope he waits until I finish my current book, "A History Of Rabies"!

  38. timbo71351

    I love the "don't guess we can do much for our veterans after all" line. What a truly awful human being. You know the only people who could take being around him for any period of time were the people who were bribing him, and prostitutes.

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