TO THE HOT TUB!  7:47 pm May 26, 2012

Your Memorial Day Weekend Happy Funtime Post: Duke Cunningham Still Behind Bars

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Sexy mothafuckerWhen your Editrix taught political science in the UC system — Scandal, Politics and the Press, naturally — she used TalkingPointsMemo as a class text. This was in the heady days of the Duke Cunningham story, first broken by the San Diego Union-Tribune and then ably followed up for months by TPM. Oh, what fun we had with Duke stewing in his nasty boatdeck hot tub, and also drawing awesome diagrams (from memory) featuring all the various skullduggeries of Jack Abramoff and Dusty Foggo! WELL! TPM is still on the case even today, as it lovingly showcases this WAAAAAAH POOR ME letter from the still-incarcerated Cunningham (for those who didn’t take our class, he was a Congressman with a special predilection for dirty filthy greasy money, going so far as to have A BRIBE MENU printed up and on-hand) to a judge. What would he like? A gun. Because the UT persecuted him by uncovering his story, the IRS made him poor (by seizing all his Crime Loot), and oh, lots of other stuff too! Let us look on TPM’s handiwork in awe and admiration.

First and most importantly, Randy “Duke” Cunningham is a blithering idiot.

Second, he will also like to supliment his food. The End. [TPM]

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Hola wonkerados.

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alteredimages May 26, 2012 at 7:57 pm


TribecaMike May 26, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Still in the jug? No wonder he wants a gun. The Aryan Brotherhood doesn't play nice.

Dr. Nick Riviera May 26, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Aryan Brotherhood? Duke thought that was the local chapter of the Republican party

billy_reuben May 27, 2012 at 7:30 am

Do yoi mean it isn't?

bumfug May 26, 2012 at 8:02 pm

What kind of country is this where a thieving cocksucker can't finally get out of prison and start shooting shit? You bastards!

hollyrocks209 May 26, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Gosh, I can't wait to read those books he's been a-writin'! Although I hope they're not all caps and single spaced.

Lascauxcaveman May 27, 2012 at 2:51 pm

He'll have a great pickup line for those on-line dating services:


bumfug May 26, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I bet he's loving prison – he looks like Marcus Bachmann's dad.

Barb May 26, 2012 at 8:09 pm

He's 71 and has $1,700.00 a month to live on. That will buy plenty of store brand canned cat food for him to eat.

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Fuck him. I'm disabled, working hard to get better so I can work, have never been arrested, and I live on $800/month.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Oh, baby. I did not know this. I'm so sorry. (Hugs the little one)

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I'm not complaining. My disability is not permanent. I have subsidized housing, plenty of food, excellent medical care, and loving friends. I have a good life. It's just I don't want to hear this wanker bitch about getting $1700, which I would consider a fortune.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 11:05 pm

That's what I mean, sweetie. Here you are, living on less than half what this scumbag is scheduled to get, and you're NOT complaining. And Mister WhinySissyPants over there can't get the dick out of his mouth fast enough to whine.

StealthMuslin May 26, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Why, he's as eloquent as Honest Abe Lincoln if ol' Abe had sustained a massive head injury!
Oops! Too soon?

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 10:13 pm

"Other than that, how was the play, Mr Lincoln?"

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Say what you will about Abe Lincoln with a massive head injury, at least he had an ethos.

Chichikovobarb May 26, 2012 at 8:11 pm

His writing indicates he is a barely literate, very dumb fellow, no lie. Also, of course, he beautifully exemplifies the fundamental Republican stance: "When I said that X's shouldn't be allowed to do Y, I meant the evil X's of my imagination, not me. I'm special and deserve an exception from the rules that I demagogued in favor of."

The rules against convicted felons owning firearms have been in place since the sixties. Cunningham was in congress for a long time, spouting law-and-order rhetoric, and not once (I assume – I admit I'm certainly not about to wade through the specific details of his history in Congress) did he raise the issue of changing those laws.

[Reposted from earlier, now on-topic]

Warpde May 26, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Duke does realize that a "Halfway House" is where the good ol boys at least let you get your pants down to the knees, right?

nounverb911 May 26, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Is Marcus the warden?

Buckminster May 26, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Geez, cry me a river, you corn-fed grifter! You'll get a gun from us when you pry it from the system's cold, dead hands!

Lascauxcaveman May 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Actually, if he's moving to Arkansas, he'll probably just pick one up cheap at the first garage sale he happens to go by.

Buckminster May 26, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I hope the rabies continues to be rampant in the area he lives in. Rabies makes the best stew…

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Hassenpfeffer? That kinda rabies?

Fairtackle May 26, 2012 at 10:54 pm


MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 11:18 pm

I don't think you're supposed to eat rabbis, they're not kosher.

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 8:55 am

What if they're blessed by a rabbi?

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 10:21 pm

If you're Catholic can you eat them on Fridays?

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 10:27 pm

There's also a whole bunch of exciting spongiform encephalopathies out there as well. I don't know if I'd rather see Randy get rabies, or a TSE variant. On the other hand how would you know, he's pretty brain damaged already.

potterchik May 26, 2012 at 8:22 pm

A little OT, but I just wanted to say: oh, hey, wow, I have successfully logged in. How did that happen?

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Such little things make us happy!

glasspusher May 28, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Beginner's luck?

FakaktaSouth May 26, 2012 at 8:28 pm

He's going to Little Rock, Arkansas in December? That's better'n going in August, for sure. Talk about hell.

I will quote from my personal prophet and spiritual guide, Keith Richards' book "Life," regarding Arkansas and take his word – "why did we stop at the 4-Dice Restaurant in Fordyce Arkansas, for lunch on Independence Day weekend? On ANY day?"
Duke will continue to be made to suffer, I feel confident.

Blueb4sunrise May 26, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Ya know, some of those Keef stories annoyed me. I know that the Stones were harassed for the drugs and wanton lifestyle, but sometimes he seems to hint that they had it worse than the nobody who probably [?] would get off because they WEREN'T famous. But the nobody doesn't have a team of lawyers [and in one case The Dole Kingdom] aiding them.

FakaktaSouth May 26, 2012 at 9:27 pm

I love Keef with all my hearts for real, he makes me so Happy, I saw his first show with the expensive winos ever, worship him, but oh heck yeah – poor him. NO. He's an entitled little brat to be sure and I'm just not going to feel sorry or righteously indignant on behalf of his Connecticut-spoiled ass. But I've been thinking tacky thoughts about him since I was nigh on 13 years old. Also, the post war imagery, just what it was like when he was a kid, the deal with his Grandfather, how he "feels" about music, was all incredibly interesting to me.

Blueb4sunrise May 26, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Yep. I think he's great,, and sure made a rags to success story.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I enjoyed that book, I'm assuming you did too.

Blueb4sunrise May 26, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Today we are all 98 YEAR OLD MOM BROTHERS.

nounverb911 May 26, 2012 at 8:33 pm

I'll let him have a gun after they find his headless body in the desert.

Boojum May 28, 2012 at 6:28 am

And pry his cock from his cold, dead lips.

chascates May 26, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Good news:
The Mission

Arkansas Hunters Feeding the Hungry is designed to:
· Share the harvest of an abundant resource with Arkansans who are in need of food.
· Partner with the Game and Fish Commission in order to provide a solution for a healthy, balanced deer herd
· Provide a much needed FREE, low fat, high protein food source to the many feeding agencies and organizations across Arkansas
· Create a “Provider Purpose” for hunters who participate, allowing them to give back and share their blessings with others.

That and 1700 George Washingtons a month is a hell of a lot better than what the estimated 67,000 homeless veterans get by on. But then they didn't feel the need to flagrantly steal money to live on.

coolhandnuke May 26, 2012 at 8:34 pm

His chicken scratch post script reads "I will also want to supliment my food."
With what? Gunpowder? Agent Orange? Plastic explosives? TNT?
Duke and his Second Amendment diet needs more fiber not a judge..

chascates May 26, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Plus trying to communicate by using all caps SHOULD GET YOU THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!!!!1111

Designer_Radio May 26, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Reading a post from … maybe Mediaite last night after the Walker debate, both sides' campaigns were sending out nastygram emails to constituents live, "factchecking" and such, but guess which side sent out the emails with the ALL CAPS subject lines?

memzilla May 26, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Pros: Is genuine, decorated, Navy pilot fighter ace.

Cons: is homophobic, reactionary, convicted bribe-taking grifter.

Even on $1700 a month, he could still afford to buy one of his own $595 buck knives, complete with genuine Seal of the US Congress (unauthorized use of which is a Federal crime).

Duke Cunningham, Hero Grifter. Nice epitaph.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:38 pm

You forgot "gayer than a lark with gayitis." Duke Cunningham has sucked more cock than Ducky Doolittle, and that's a hella lotta cock.

Boojum May 28, 2012 at 6:33 am

What is described as gold etching looks a lot like rust.

Or this was Dick Cheney's knife and it is the dried blood of infants.

smokefilledroommate May 26, 2012 at 8:48 pm

E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!!

SudsMcKenzie May 26, 2012 at 9:01 pm

"plan on living in a small cabin by a lake to write my books", come on, let this modern day Henry David Thoreau shoot shit.

C_R_Eature May 26, 2012 at 9:18 pm

You know who else lived in a small remote cabin and wrote manifestos books?

SpeedoFart May 26, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Mark Twain?

ProgressiveInga May 26, 2012 at 9:25 pm

James Caan?

starfanglednut May 26, 2012 at 9:26 pm

That guy who believes in global warming, whats his name, Ted?

Chichikovobarb May 26, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Malcolm Lowry?

chascates May 26, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Henry Miller?

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 10:18 pm

The Unicornbomber?

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Yeah. I do. And used tree bark for terlet paper, and look what THAT did to him.

SudsMcKenzie May 26, 2012 at 11:08 pm


MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 1:28 pm

You know that saying his name (even if it's only in print) is, like, *summoning* the cheery little shit, don'tcha?

billy_reuben May 27, 2012 at 7:40 am

Ayn Rand?

horsedreamer_1 May 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Laura Ingalls Wilder?

Blueb4sunrise May 26, 2012 at 9:08 pm


Hitch's Shadow of a Doubt with Joseph Cotton is on one of the wanker ENCORE cable channels.

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 9:22 am

Okay, now you got me started

The cities are full of women, middle-aged widows, husbands, dead, husbands who've spent their lives making fortunes, working and working. And then they die and leave their money to their wives, their silly wives. And what do the wives do, these useless women? You see them in the hotels, the best hotels, every day by the thousands, drinking the money, eating the money, losing the money at bridge, playing all day and all night, smelling of money, proud of their jewelry but of nothing else, horrible, faded, fat, greedy women… Are they human or are they fat, wheezing animals, hmm? And what happens to animals when they get too fat and too old?

Uncle Charlie ftw

jaytingle May 27, 2012 at 10:56 am

Take note, Uncle Duke: for all his mendacity, Uncle Charlie was given a magnificent hometown funeral parade.

drrty_martini May 26, 2012 at 9:11 pm



nounverb911 May 26, 2012 at 9:13 pm

As the target?

Chichikovobarb May 26, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Three varieties of competitive shooting of clay pigeons – these are three different categories of launching. Sporting goes from station to station, with varying angles of shot. The idea is to reproduce the unpredictable flight paths of game. Skeet and trap shot from fixed positions, more predictably.

drrty_martini May 26, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I suspected that…but when a barely-literate southerner and "honorable cop" types screeds in all caps about black bears, guns, and sheets, I assume the worst.

Chichikovobarb May 26, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Ah, I see. I had completely missed that he had written "sheet" instead of "skeet". Does add a different flavor, fershur.

flamingpdog May 26, 2012 at 10:20 pm

If Duke wants to exercise his 2nd Amendment rights, he can just do it shooting the "sheet" at the local tavern with all the other good ol' boys.

chascates May 26, 2012 at 10:05 pm

The farmer I work for is having his 25th annual all male campout, this time right behind the house I live in and the celebrants have just finished shooting targets from a neighbors fancy skeet thrower. It's quite a 'blast' so to speak and nothing is injured except possibly your shoulder.
Fortunately they're now more quiet although tomorrow will bring out the 'spud guns' which fire potatoes using propane gas as a propellant.

Dr. Nick Riviera May 26, 2012 at 9:11 pm

"They made me an honorable cop"

I guess the honor didn't take.

Rotundo_ May 26, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Randy old bud, you screwed up and got caught because you got too damned greedy. If you would have been even slightly more restrained you would probably be happily retired and slugging down Wild Turkey with your hunting buddies and talking about the good old days on the yacht with the hot tub. I know you're a fighter pilot and a hero, but 1700 bucks a month will buy you groceries and let you live in your mom's basement. It's a helluva lot better than a lot of Vietnam vets have it and they didn't take bribes while holding elected office. You fucked up, own it, take up archery or fishing.

M. Szyslak May 26, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Federal Pen is for PUSSIES. Shoulda gone to Cali State Prison, where guards stage and video gladiator fights for their own amusement.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 1:18 pm

San Quentin or GTFO.

An_Outhouse May 26, 2012 at 9:31 pm

He has a 99 YEAR OLD MOM BROTHER? WTF state is he from again?

CivicHoliday May 26, 2012 at 9:50 pm

The state of NoPunctuation

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Sounds like Dementia, to me. Most moms have difficulty being brothers.

Vecchiojohn May 27, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Uh . . . Arkansas. This may help explain it.

Designer_Radio May 26, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Can the judge supliment his IQ?

An_Outhouse May 26, 2012 at 9:35 pm


Is it wise or even legal to threaten the judge?

iburl May 28, 2012 at 11:11 am

That's how I read it too… Life without parole.

ChapterUndVerse May 26, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I especially appreciated the line about teaching children, women, and adults.

MittBorg May 26, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Yeah, I wonder how the women who know him take such stuff.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I wonder what stuff the women who know him are taking. And who their dealer is, also, too.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Yaknow, when you put it THAT way, Callyson — Bet MomBrother has a couple of cases of psychoactive meds in the house in the same locker where she stores the coke and weed.

dogscantlookup May 26, 2012 at 9:48 pm
CivicHoliday May 26, 2012 at 9:50 pm

"A History of Rabies"
…Well that explains it.

SudsMcKenzie May 26, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I would like to comment, but I'm too busy clicking on the Ads, … like at least two of them, everyday now.

Clickity Click!12

barto May 26, 2012 at 10:19 pm

It's just sad on so very many levels. I cry for you, America, my beloved country.

ttommyunger May 26, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Prison can only do so much; or in this case: so little.

smashedinhat May 26, 2012 at 11:03 pm

In the Washingtonian feature "Best & Worst of Congress" of 2004, Cunningham was rated (along with four other House members) as "No Rocket Scientist" by a bipartisan survey of Congressional staff.

- Wikipedia

Steverino247 May 27, 2012 at 12:29 am

"My crime was non-violent and a first offense"

No, Randy, your crimes greatly harmed those whose lives were very violent indeed because you not only voted to subject them to that violence, you made sure their equipment was inferior and came at a greater cost to their families at home. Your war profiteering directly harmed our troops in the field about whom you gave no thought in your quest to enrich yourself and the contractors who bribed you. Your "first offense" is so great you deserve no respect, no honor, no dignity. Every day for the rest of your miserable life should place you at the center of every insult shouted by every drill instructor in the history of warfare. You should be branded and turned loose on the society you robbed with nothing to sustain you. Children in America should be told of your "first offense" so that for generations to come Randy "Duke" Cunningham would be more cursed that Benedict Arnold.

Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 12:48 am

Thank you, that was brilliant. Randy Cunningham is like the Jungian archetype or Platonic ideal or the ne plus ultra or something of Republican douchebaggery. What an asshole "I flew aircraft that could disintegrate your building with a half second burst and now I can't carry a .22". Jesus, how did a whiny, self-pitying, massive chancrous mangina like him ever make it through flight school? Oh wait, never mind, this is Navy Flight School, which obviously isn't that hard to get through because John McCain made it too.

And not only is he a whiny little bitch, he's a stupid, whiny little bitch. Jesus Christ, writing out a bribe menu is bad enough, but doing so on your own stationary? That's a special kind of stupid.

Steverino247 May 27, 2012 at 2:22 am

Not only that, but I've been to that courthouse many times and it would take several passes and all his ammo just to knock out the windows.

This is the whiny little bitch who wanted the Medal of Honor instead of the Navy Cross he got for shooting down five MiG's. Hey, when you charge up San Juan Hill carrying a bolt action rifle, give me a call.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Chow Yun Flat May 27, 2012 at 12:35 am

The federal law enforcement official responsible for leaving Cunningham with $1700 per month should have an official reprimand in his personnel file.

He isn't worth 1700 cents.

aklibtard May 27, 2012 at 12:36 am

Shit, you could live large in the backwoods of WV on $1700/month eatin' squirrel and trappin' coons (both kinds).

TribecaMike May 27, 2012 at 1:16 am

If you can't do the time don't be a slime.

Buckminster May 27, 2012 at 3:43 am

Good lord, some of us remember when the stellar Conrad Burns got kicked out of his office due to Abramhoff connections. Honestly, when will we learn?

MiniMencken May 27, 2012 at 3:57 am

Wow! My late father lived in the 50th Congressional District, as did my late stepmother. Neither of them gave a rat's ass about the Duke after his conviction. They did not not need any Congressional favors. So, honestly, I have no familial obligations to help this rat bastard. Sorry, no squirrel guns for you. By the way, have you considered seppuku? Just curious.

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Just googled "seppuku" because I had never heard of it. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Callyson May 27, 2012 at 1:11 pm

So he won't be returning to SoCal? We're glad to hear that much–it's bad enough Mittens has a house down in La Jolla.

Oh, and having to live on only $1700 a month–welcome to reality, Cunningham:

Most senior citizens have very small retirement incomes. The median income for those age 65 and older was $25,757 in 2010, according to a new Social Security Administration report. The most common retirement income level is between $15,000 and $19,999 annually, an income range that 12.6 percent of retirees fall into.


MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Butcher Boy?

not that Radio May 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm

No, it's one of Joseph Cotton's awesome monologues in BB4's Hitchcock movie. ↑

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I can't keep up with you, notthatRadio.

Hera Sent Me May 27, 2012 at 2:13 pm





Wile E. Barbote May 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I wonder if I can write to Randy in prison.

Dear Randy, you're a stupid whining bitch. Perhaps if our Navy pilots hadn't been boobs and losers like you and John McCain we would have won the Vietnam war.

TribecaMike May 27, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Ironically, when he gets out of prison he'll go back to spending an inordinate time on the stool side of bars.

Dudleydidwrong May 27, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Being as this "Duck of Death" (see Little Bill Daggett) was a Brown Shoe (old slang for US Naval aviator) he more-than-likely went through SERE training. Living in a cabin in the Arkansas woods he should be able to eat pretty damn well from what he can trap and kill with his own hands. Just watch out for those rabid squirrels and skunks; the bears and cougars can take care of themselves, unless you mean something else by "cougars."

If nothing else the judge should give him a Boy Scout Handbook.

johnnyzhivago May 27, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Congresspersons should ALL have a section of their website where they offer their services (perhaps it could be called "SHOP NOW FOR FAVORS" or "ONLINE STORE"). They could have success stories from people who've bribed them before, rates, terms and conditions and probably take paypal.

Wile E. Quixote May 27, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Couldn't they just advertise on Craigslist? Oh wait, never mind, Craigslist doesn't allow prostitutes to advertise any more.

GemlikeFlame May 27, 2012 at 11:35 pm

William F. Buckley he ain't. How did a clown that incoherent manage to get to a substantial public office, anyway? There's not one single sentence in his letter that doesn't mangle the english language.

No, wait. I tell a lie. "You have my word on it." is reasonably structured.

But that's it.

gurukalehuru May 28, 2012 at 1:46 am

The amazing thing about this story to me is that Cunningham was convicted in 2006 and he is still in prison. The system does work!

whatupirondog May 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Wait, he's going to be writing books out there in the wilderness? Ooh! I hope he waits until I finish my current book, "A History Of Rabies"!

Wile E. Quixote May 28, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Randy should be given a gun. A Smith and Wesson model 327 with one round of ammo. Of course given Randy's stupidity he'd probably fuck it up and end up blowing his face off and surviving like that fuckwit who shot his face off and sued Judas Priest.

timbo71351 May 29, 2012 at 11:01 am

I love the "don't guess we can do much for our veterans after all" line. What a truly awful human being. You know the only people who could take being around him for any period of time were the people who were bribing him, and prostitutes.

MittBorg May 27, 2012 at 1:25 pm

In halakha, there is no provision, mein kind, for the koshering of the rabbi.

MittBorg May 28, 2012 at 12:37 am

At least as far as altar boys are concerned, priests have never established strictures upon the mouthing of their man-meat. But, you know, for rabbis, eh. I think it would depend on how and when. For example, after the sun sets, you know, it's Shabbos.

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