Very Sane Website Explains: English-Only Driving Tests Protect Against Bigotry, Racism, The Pope

  how many popes in the pit?

All hail BeelzebubHey Americaphile, what’s new in Jersey? Anything interesting going on with respect to driving tests at whatever New Jersey calls the DMV? Could you please answer in the form of everything in bold and ALL CAPS?

Republican Sens. Gerald Cardinale of Cresskill and Michael Doherty of Warren/Hunterdon offered a bill to require both portions of the examinations for personal licenses – written test and skill test – to be administered only in English.

THIS MEASURE WILL MAKE ENGLISH AVAILABLE TO ALL AND BE A STRONG BULWARK AGAINST BIGOTRY AND RACISM!!!!

That is intriguing indeed! We did not understand the first word in your link back to your previous post about how “English-only” driving tests protect against bigotry and racism, so we will just have to take your word for it. Maybe because all the gross foreigners will be gone, so nobody can be racist against them? Yes, that makes the most sense by far. (At least more sense than Ireland and the Klan what?) But is there something crazier you would like to tell us, maybe what this English-only driving-test bill by these two American heroes has to do with Popery?

THIS MINISTRY SALUTES THESE TOW TWO HEROES FOR THEIR COURAGEOUS EFFORT TO FREE AMERICA’S HIGHWAYS AND URGES ALL PRO-AMERICANS IN NEW JERSEY TO WRITE TO THEIR STATE SENATORS IN SUPPORT OF SENATE BILL 1874!!!!!

HOWEVER, IT IS DISTURBING TO LEARN THAT THESE TWO PRECIOUS PRO-AMERICAN SOULS ARE ENTRAPPED IN POPERY!!!!!

So these fine upstanding tow two Greatest American Heroes are Catholic, is what you’re saying? Hmm, well is there anything they can do about it?

THIS MINISTRY URGES THEM TO ESCAPE ROME AS DID GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN, UNDER THE FULL MANIFEST POWER OF THE DEBORAH ANOINTING, FIND A MARK 16:18 FELLOWSHIP AND FINALLY ENJOY LIVES WITH MEANING, LEST THEY GET LEFT BEHIND TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES…. AND ALL ETERNITY…. WITH PIAPS!!!!!

All right, thanks Americaphile. Catch you again on the next slow news day! [Americaphile]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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165 comments

    1. HogeyeGrex

      I guess I must have known this once, but had long since forgotten.

      PIAPS, according to urban dictionary, for the ignorant like me:

      this is the acronym used to describe Hillary Clinton. It stands for "Pig In A Pants Suit."

      It sort of completes teh funny.

  1. Generation[redacted]

    Today, we are all entrapped in popery. At least until the weekend starts.

      1. tessiee

        "Do you know he's not the Pope's butter?"

        of course.
        the pope's butter is a cute li'l billy goat who butts the Pope whenever he goes out in the Vatican backyard.

    1. Chow Yun Flat

      Guy clearly didn't think through what he was giving up by leaking documents on bribery and corruption. As the pope's butler he got to ride in the front seat of the Popemobile.

  2. LettucePrey

    How come, when you click on the link for "POPERY," you get a plaster cast of Cloris Leachman?

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        Back when I was into the occult/witchy woo-woo stuff, it was amazing the number of people I found who believed that the Necronomicon was an actually real-life grimoire.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Any Tome of Secret Occult Knowledge that's sold in direct-mail catalogs is bound to be suspect. But then, I'm just a skeptic.

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            I have to admit that I bought a mass market paperback of it when I was a teen and I thought it was real. That was before I read any Lovecraft. Years later, I found entire threads on occult/witchy woo-woo message boards loaded with comments from people who thought it was an actual grimoire and took it very seriously.

  3. Barb

    I think the tests should be given in Navajo or some other Native American language. They were here first, ya know.

      1. Barb

        OMG Gully, I was kidding. See the smiley face. I didn't want you to delete your super funny comment.

      1. Wile E. Barbote

        That, and the hanky panky, is what got the Church into the trouble it's in today.

        1. C_R_Eature

          And the Huggery-Buggery also. But that's only because of the Sexual Revolution and the Libertine society the Church is forced to lave in.

    1. tessiee

      "Hey, you got your popery in my japery!"

      Oh, yeah? Well, YOU put your crockery on my napery!

  4. WhatTheHeck

    Wonket, what the hell. This pope story confused the shit outta me.Like a Tea party sign, I don’t know which way is up. Pope. English only. DMV. Sarah Palin. I know I haven’t been drinking as yet.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Tanqueray and tonic with lime and just 1/8 teaspoon of sugar stirred in, ice cold. Time to catch up.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        Needs moar strychnine drinkin'. That's when you know the holy spirit has made you a bad ass.

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    Wait, what? They're saying Sarah Palin, like me, is a former Catholic?

    Ooh. I feel all dirty now.

    1. Baconzgood

      Makes me want to go out right now and take the eucr…uchr..ewcher….those Necco wafer things they give me when I go with Baconz Ma on Christmas and Easter.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      A strange variant of it. I was once told in a pizza parlor that I have an "English accent."

  6. Barb

    Hey Bitches! Rebecca said we are live-blogging: Hour One of the Barrett Walker Recall Debate, 9 p.m. EST

    Get your drink on and be here with the rest of us, please. Salty snack food will be served.

    1. Baconzgood

      I recall Barrett Walker. He sat next to me in 7th grade English. He smelled like garbonzo beans for some reason.

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      I don't know if I should sober up, stay drunk, or stumble over to the corner bar for this.

    1. DerrickWildcat

      I've known about this nut for a few years. He has a weird Obsession/Hatred for Hillary Clinton. PIAPS stands for Pig In A Pant Suit. This is how he always refers to Hillary.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I have worshiped the COCK before but now I seek out the guiding path of ASS.

  7. randcoolcatdaddy

    "HOWEVER, IT IS DISTURBING TO LEARN THAT THESE TWO PRECIOUS PRO-AMERICAN SOULS ARE ENTRAPPED IN POPERY!!!!!"

    I suppose that's better than wearing magic underwear.

  8. OldWhiteLies

    Yup. There it is again.

    X = DefinitelyNot(X)

    Excluding all languages but English = BULWARK (*luv that word) AGAINST BIGOTRY AND RACISM

    You can create your own reverse-exclusionary equations at home …

    *Sounds like someone has their college freshman English Major home for the summer, helping out.

  9. sbj1964

    This must have come from the GOP think tank known as The family values council.( Motto:Making life better through hate.)

  10. Baconzgood

    unrelated to this post

    Baconz is going to get stinking drunk on double screw drivers and watch Ben Folds.

    (This comment is 100% snark free)

  11. sullivanst

    It appears to be crazymotherfucker religiousnut Friday. Thank FSM there's a long weekend to recover from it.

  12. Maman

    Rebecca, it is cruel to link that, because now I am fighting the urge to post on them.

    I was thinking about pointing out that none of them would be "appropriately" Xtian without the catlicks.

  13. StarsUponThars

    I don't know what's more scary about that photo, the incidental devil horns made of the collar of the man standing behind him or the look of sheer evil on Popeman's face. I'm calling it a toss-up.

    1. tessiee

      Pope Ratzy looks evil in every picture of him I've ever seen.
      Also, I'm not 100% convinced he's not Zell Miller and/or Robert Blake.

  14. Doktor StrangeZoom

    If you are trapped in Popery:

    1) Remain Calm
    2) Do Not ingest any water, wine or crackers. They could be tainted with Pope Magic.
    3) Activate the Protestant Signal. Help will arrive soon
    5) Be aware of Signs and Portents
    4) Be careful not to overreact and become a Hebrew, Mahomettan or Hindoo

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        6) Should you find yourself stricken with a case of glossolalia do not panic. This is just a sign that you are no longer under the influence of the Pope's spells.

        1. Wile E. Barbote

          If I'm under the influence of the Pope's spells what's my savings throw to get out of it?

        1. C_R_Eature

          "Never, under any circumstances, fondle any beads."

          EDIT: "While anyone is watching"

          EDIT II: "Unless you want them to."

    1. Wile E. Barbote

      It wasn't my fault. I didn't want to go there, but they weakened my will with the smells and bells and those hats. My God, those fabulous hats. It's like the Ascot Opening Race Scene in My Fair Lady. The next thing I knew I was confessing my sins, saying Hail Marys and telling the rosary like a 98 year old Italian grandmother.

  15. comrad_darkness

    Are the whack jobs in Jersey going to revert to banning the Irish from employment? I mean, they have to hate on someone when all the browns are gone, right?

  16. HogeyeGrex

    So, is 1874 the bill's number, or the date they're trying to drag the country back to?

  17. CrunchyKnee

    I thought popery was that stuff my moms used to put in my room to cover up the stink of gym socks and weed?

  18. Wile E. Barbote

    Pope, pope, pope
    Pope of Rome, Rome, Rome
    Pope of Rome, Rome, Rome
    Pope of Rome

    As I walk around St. Peter's Dome
    No one can stop the Pope of Rome
    The Vatican's my fuckin' home
    It's good to be the Pope of Rome

    OK, I'll stop before Gene Chandler hunts me down and cuts me like a bitch.

    1. Wile E. Barbote

      I think the quality of drivers has gone downhill since they started giving the driving test in the vernacular.

  19. Lucidamente1

    “We are Republicans, and don't propose to leave our party and identify ourselves with the party whose antecedents have been rum, Romanism, and rebellion.”

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Cheez-Its Christ. I thought I'd saw enough crazy from clicking on the links included in this post.
      I'm starting to think that maybe the site exists just to pull people's legs. But then I think no satirist, however good they may be, could come up with that high level of WTF?

  20. BlueStateLibel

    NJ Driving Test Question:
    When is it appropriate to give someone the finger?
    a) The asshole just cut you off.
    b) The asshole cut you off and then slowed down to 65 mph.
    c) The asshole cut you off and then ratted you out to the Feds.

    1. tessiee

      a) and b) only; if someone rats you out to the Feds, they're going to get, um, [makes finger quotes] "hit by a drunk driver" before the end of the week.

  21. James Michael Curley

    I worked two campaigns against Cardinale. He is so vicious that when one of my candidates called him to offer a concession (as was traditional) he told his son, or campaign worker, to tell my guy that he doesn't talk to losers.

    This guy is a dentist and perennially tries to push bills through the State Legislature which would allow dentists to dispense the prescriptions they fill. I have been in states where they allow that (like California) and many have changed it because the doctors and dentists gouged the patient.

    Think "Is it safe yet?" and you have this guy's personality and demeanor.

    We once engaged in a little heated discussion and he called me a Mick.

  22. radio-of-owls

    An online/windshield ministry sharing the truth in these last days!!!!!

    Well I, for one, have always sought out windshields when seeking the truth.

  23. TribecaMike

    What appetizer is on the menu of every New Jersey Baptist-owned Indian restaurant?

    il Papa Dumb.

  24. AlaskaGrrl

    IT IS DISTURBING TO LEARN THAT THESE TWO PRECIOUS PRO-AMERICAN SOULS ARE ENTRAPPED IN POPERY!!!!!

    Not anti catholic, just a typo. They are entrapped in poopery.

  25. extreme_left

    Wonkette fail: they mean trapped by Potpourri, these poor people have so much potpourri around the house the stench is so bad it isolates them and they cannot set foot in the outside world as it's lack of potpourri has become an offensive smell, trapping them in a world of loneliness.

  26. tessiee

    "We did not understand the first word in your link back to your previous post about how “English-only” driving tests protect against bigotry and racism"

    By attracting only the frisky, aggressive drivers, and selecting out for the ones who are asleep under a cactus in the corner.

  27. tessiee

    "LEST THEY GET LEFT BEHIND TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES…. AND ALL ETERNITY…. WITH PIAPS!!!!!"

    With polyps?
    With priapism?
    Neither one goes well with my left behind.

  28. tessiee

    *sings*
    Rome, Rome, you're just fine,
    You have all those ancestors of mine.
    Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
    And each Christian is fed to a lion.

  29. lizunyan

    Nobody can convince me that this website isn't an elaborate and admittedly hilarious troll. Infact, I am positives about it.

    1. cogitoergodavsm

      I've been following Ralph for years. No one as unhinged as he sounds would be allowed use of a computer in the institution to which he's been committed. This is actually relatively mild. He used to refer to "AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH!!!!!" and to Hillary Clinton (PIAPS) as a lesbian Antichrist. His solution to immigration is an alligator infested moat along the Mexican border, and Dobermans patrolling the Canadian border.
      He hates the Irish.
      boy, does he hate the Irish.

  30. Buckminster

    As soon as these two can write a post in English, they can haz driver's license.

  31. SenileAgitation

    According to Urban Dict. PIAPS is an anti-Hillary Cliinton acronym for Pig In A Pant Suit. I'm glad that's all it is. I thought it might be a Deborah annointed end times thing!

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