EYEBLEACH  2:35 pm May 25, 2012

Ew Gross What No (John Edwards)

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

This is not the juror you're looking forThanks ABC, for this delightful WIN on the only possible thing that might matter in the GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL John Edwards trial for venality, indecency, and grossness.

Since the alternate [jurors] were identified last Thursday, it has been impossible to ignore the dynamic between Edwards and one of the female alternates, an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days.

The juror clearly instigated the exchanges. She smiles at him. He smiles at her. She giggles. He blushes.

That beet salad was not nearly so nice on the way back up, ABC, NO THANK YOU. [ABC]

 
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{ 130 comments }

Barb May 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

A person injury lawyer who turned out to be a scumbag. Who saw that one coming?

V572 Is this him? May 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

When people are looking for a lawyer to correct some wrong that's been done to them, they seldom say, "The main thing I'm looking for in an attorney is someone who's nice."

Boojum May 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

You know, if you said that about the defense lawyers, whose job it is to ensure that injured people don't get paid, instead of the plaintiffs' lawyers, who only get paid if their clients' get paid, I'd be more sympathetic. As it is, you are repeating right wing talking points.

The reason that corporate America bad mouths plaintiffs' lawyers — and blither about tort reform — is that they want to make it harder for the poor and middle class to afford lawyers. They don't have to worry about that, as they will always have their 1% munnies sitting in the Caymans.

Preferred Customer May 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Eh, some of the richest people I've met to date have been plaintiffs' lawyers. They serve an important purpose in our judicial system, but let's not get carried away imagining that they are doing it out of some sort of Robin Hood instinct. Certainly not true of John Edwards, anyway.

Boojum May 25, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Hey, Robin Hood took a percentage!

Barb May 25, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Boojum, who are you replying to?

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers".
- Henry VI, (Act IV, Scene II).

Quote from Dick the Butcher, follower of anarchist Jack Cade, "the head of an army of rabble and a demagogue pandering to the ignorant," as described by Shakespeare (ref.Howard L. Nations)

The people who really appreciate that line and take it completely out of context, tend to be Criminals.

V572 Is this him? May 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm

In defense of John Edwards (yuck, who'd ever think of beginning a sentence this way) he's playing the odds: it only takes one sympathetic juror to make a hung jury.

Barb May 25, 2012 at 3:30 pm

But who is he replying to? I can't follow the arrows because my head hurts.

V572 Is this him? May 25, 2012 at 3:54 pm

To you, methinks.

Barb May 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Why? What I said was meant to be a joke.
Wait, it's still a snark site right? I can still say, "Edwards must be hung like a jury" right?

ifthethunderdontgetya May 25, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Anyone wonder if Newtie or One-L might also have committed crimes with their campaign donations?

But we'll never know. Right-wingers receive automatic get out of jail free cards from this DOJ. Only the likes of a John Edwards face charges.

Just as John Kiriakou is charged with espionage (up to 43 years worth) for telling Americans that torture was their government's official policy.

And the likes of Jose A. Rodriguez, Jr. are free to flog the virtues of torture in the pages of the War Criminal Post (in spite of having destroyed evidence in defiance of a judge's order).

So much Hope and Change, it brings tears to my eyes.
~

ChilLysol May 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

"Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me, but during the John Edwards trial…"

Fare la Volpe May 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Nothing turns a woman on quite like a milquetoast politician with a track record of cheating.

Awww yeah.

WhatTheHeck May 25, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Power and money are big turn-ons.

But I’ll just settle for women giggling at me.

ChilLysol May 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Callista, is that you?

Butch_Wagstaff May 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm

"Hey baby, have you heard about my indictment?"

SmutBoffin May 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Haha, remember back in 2004 when you had to pretend to like this guy (and whatshisface, Ketchup dude) otherwise your liberal friends would look at you like you like you showed up at the synagogue dressed like a Nazi?

Good times.

DaveJ May 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

That son of a mill worker will work her, son.

Jus_Wonderin May 25, 2012 at 3:18 pm

That's quite near a palindrome. And "palindrome" could be an awesome sexual position.

MissTaken May 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I have a slutty friend who has banged fellow jurors every time she's had jury duty, but even she wouldn't go after the defendant. Standards people!

DEIT – and when I say 'friend', for once I'm not referring to myself!

Preferred Customer May 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Sounds like a bad Harlequin romance. "His fate was not all she held in the palm of her hand…"

DaveJ May 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Truly, it was a hung jury. "Impressive," she gasped.

Preferred Customer May 25, 2012 at 2:51 pm

"I am going to have to ask to pole the jury," he said.

SoBeach May 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"How long could they keep their love sequestered?"

Jus_Wonderin May 25, 2012 at 2:58 pm

"If it doesn't fit……………………….."

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 2:54 pm

This comment deserves a Gold Star!

WhatTheHeck May 25, 2012 at 3:46 pm

God, that’s some Jury Duty your friend puts in.
Well actually, her fellow jurors are putting it in for her.

HempDogbane May 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

John Edwards! Who will you marry? So accurate it's scary! Click here to get your free psychic reading!

SoBeach May 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

He's famous, he's rich, he's good looking, and he's even single. Of course the ladies are all gooshy over him. Besides, it's not like he killed anyone or anything.

UW8316154 May 25, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Good looking? Are we talking about the same John Edwards?

SorosBot May 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Maybe she's just trying to get out of jury duty?

Oblios_Cap May 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm

You can tell he's a Democratid politician because he's hitting on the ladies…

Mumbletypeg May 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

It's like Serial Mom, where Kathleen Turner can't stop manipulating and recidivizing even in the courthouse hosting her trial. Except in Edwards' case he didn't actually kill anyone lets himself be manipulated in turn.

ManchuCandidate May 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Strangers at a trial, exchanging glances
Wondering at the trial; what were the chances?
He'd be banging jurors before the trial was through
Something in his eyes was so inviting
Something in his smile was so indicting
Something in my heart told me I must kill the trial for yoooouuu…

SheriffRoscoe May 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

He's rumored to be a large fellow. Purportedly large fellows get flirted with.

Oblios_Cap May 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm

You can't be talking height. Whatever could you be speaking of?

noodlesalad May 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

What, do the regular jurors have cancer or something? Spread the love, Mr. Edwards! It ain't just for the alternates!

SayItWithWookies May 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

He's rich, stupid, vain and willing to pay lots of money to hide his affairs — and hell, if he'll flirt with you in court, he'll do just about anything. Don't take him seriously, and you'll probably get a car and an apartment out of it.

edgydrifter May 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

This guy is like Power Bait for skanks. They should bottle his sweat and sell it in the back pages of Popular Mechanics.

DaveJ May 25, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I'd buy, and I'm not ashamed to say it. Too many people undervalue the love of a good skank. Not this American cowboy.

Jus_Wonderin May 25, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Ah, I will never forget that moment I first heard the Captain & Tenille's profound lyrics for "Muskank Love". Memories.

V572 Is this him? May 25, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Right next to the smoking videos.

FlownOver May 25, 2012 at 4:13 pm

60% of the time it works every time.

mrpuma2u May 25, 2012 at 2:48 pm

OMG John Edwards is turning into the politcal Gene Simmons. How long till he gets the tongue lengthening surgery? Right after the trial would be my guess.

Boojum May 25, 2012 at 2:48 pm

The only reason the same thing doesn't happen to Republicans is that ten year old boys can't serve on juries.

tessiee May 25, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Also because republicans tend to be an unattractive, piggish-looking bunch, so flirting with jurors wouldn't really help them.

memzilla May 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Dear Rielle: Remember how you met your boyfriend, because that's how he's going to meet his next one, too.

FakaktaSouth May 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I can't figure out how one makes the leap from, wow, he got a rando chick preggers while his wife was dying of cancer/he was trying to be President and now he might go to jail for the cover-up, I totally want to fuck that guy.

With that capability for cognitive dissonance, she must be a Republican.

PuckStopsHere May 25, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I don't know how you make that leap, but I'm thinking, what the hell, I might have a shot.

Wile E. Barbote May 25, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Bailiff, whack his pee-pee!

Fare la Volpe May 25, 2012 at 3:23 pm

And to think some people have to pay for that.

Troubledog May 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm

He could really rehab his career if he "turned heel" and became a family values conservative. He'd have a Fox show before sundown.

The guiltier the better. It's good for ratings.

Jus_Wonderin May 25, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Ain't that the truth!

Wile E. Barbote May 25, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Especially if he started talking shit about President Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 25, 2012 at 4:22 pm

He "turned heel" a long time ago, just ask his ex-family.

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I…have sinned against you!

Troubledog May 25, 2012 at 4:35 pm

It's ironic that nobody can dish out forgiveness like the intolerant.

ph7 May 25, 2012 at 2:57 pm

A good friend, a trial lawyer, gets notes from female jurors all the time, propositioning him for dates and, well, straight to the point fucking.

He married one juror he found particularly nice, so he's been declining the invitations for awhile.

johnnymeatworth May 25, 2012 at 2:58 pm

RECIDIVISM! REPEAT OFFENDER!

Goonemeritus May 25, 2012 at 2:58 pm

WTF John Edwards is hosing down large swaths of North American womanhood with his icky seed yet 50% of male Engineers had to go to the prom with their sisters.

ph7 May 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

They really should teach MoJo in engineering schools.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 25, 2012 at 4:23 pm

It's not John Edwards' fault that most engineers have the social skills of stick insects.

Goonemeritus May 25, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Phasmids are very engaging as a species I don’t think my fellow engineers and I should be expected to compete that far out of our weight class.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 25, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Aha, you didn't even notice that I included female engineers among the socially skill-impaired. Personally, I find engineers far more interesting and engaging than John-Edwards-type humanoids, but people like that tend not to engage i social-grooming-type chat.

They should simply increase the opportunities for women in math/science. Although female engineers are not likely to solicit spooge-hosing as a form of social interaction, so there's that.

ManchuCandidate May 25, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I guess Johnny Mill's lawyer name was Chereth Cutestory.

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Wow…flirting with a juror in a trial where sexual impropriety is a key subject? Douchebag or no, fucker must clang when he walks.

tessiee May 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Somebody once said about Bobby Brown (the one who was married to Whitney Houston) that he's not good-looking, not rich, and not talented, so his dick must be dragging on the ground and have "louisville slugger" printed along the side of it…
whoever said that (and I'm pretty sure it was a guy) SO doesn't get it.

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Just for clarification, my comment was 100% admiration free.

shortsandpants May 25, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Castration is such sweet sorrow…

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Castration! Double Castration!

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Lawyers, Guns Tarts and Money.

The Shit Has Hit The Fan.

ph7 May 25, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Edward's Shit's Fucked Up, too

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Oh Shit he's got to get his ass out of the can!

EatsBabyDingos May 25, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I find John Edwards positively Charmin. Used Charmin.

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

"Are you aware of the Penal Codes in this State?"

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 25, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Penile codes? Did you say "penile codes," young man? It's a little, uh, hard to hear you with my dick in my ear.

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Is that a Dick in your ear or you just happy to…

Wait…that doesn't work at all!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 25, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Er … no … Perhaps if I took my dick out of my ear, I could think more clearly!

widestanceromance May 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

The juryskank will have several reality show offers before the verdict is read.

FNMA May 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

This is just like that one episode of Law & Order where a serial killer flirted with a juror and she fell for him and it ended with her stabbing him in the neck and killing him. So there may be a happy ending to this whole thing after all…

Jus_Wonderin May 25, 2012 at 3:16 pm

That was a great episode and the dude was creepy.

MissTaken May 25, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Shit like this is why the sisterhood sucks. Even if I thought he was attractive, I would never actually flirt with a defendant (or the lawyers for that matter) while serving as a juror. Sure, I may have a working vagina, but I also have a brain, and this type of behavior is just fucking stupid.

pdiddycornchips May 25, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Our culture is so far off the rails that this isn't stupid at all. We have all learned to dance like Spider Monkeys when a TV camera is nearby. She can expect to get a few interviews and, if she plays her cards right, can easily parlay that into some sort of six figure payday. It's a good way to make a few bucks and it's a lot easier than sitting in your cube all day and fighting off the homicidal rage just so you can afford a twelve pack of beer and an occasional trip to the Netflix kiosk.

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"We have all learned to dance like Spider Monkeys when a TV camera is nearby"

OT – We rent out a space in the yard so a neighbor can park his large boat for the winter. (also, he earns his living with it so it's not like I live in a neighborhood of rich fucks) Each spring, it's sort of like baseball opening day when the truck comes by to haul it to the water. So, I have a camera that will also take videos and I'm recording the event. Then, one of my neighbors accidentally walked through the frame and said she was sorry she walked into the picture. I explained that it was a video and no problem. To which she said, "Video! Really?" and then proceeded to dance about.

Now every time I see her, I will think of spider monkeys.

James Michael Curley May 25, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I think ABC is just prepping for their fall movie remake of "Twelve Angry Men" to be called "One Horny Woman".

HistoriBarb May 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Not nearly as interesting as "Two Horny Women".

SoBeach May 25, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Shit like this is why the sisterhood sucks.

Mmm hmmm. Men never, ever let their gonads talk them into doing really stupid stuff.

What's this trial about again?

CountryClubJihadi May 25, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The only raven-haired beauty John deserves is "Big Ang" from Mob Wives.

PuckStopsHere May 25, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I hereby nominate John Edwards for President of Horn Dog.

shortsandpants May 25, 2012 at 3:56 pm

It will be a cold day in hell before that goes between any buns I know.

Callyson May 25, 2012 at 3:18 pm

The flirtation has become so obvious that even Edwards’ attorneys have to work to suppress their laughter at the absurdity of it all.

I'm glad someone is able to hold back the lolz…

Billmatic May 25, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Eh I dunno, doesn't a beet salad taste the same going down as it does coming up?

larrykat May 25, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Maybe better.

OldWhiteLies May 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm

CRAP. Now what am I gonna do for a comment.

Focusing on that little piece of obtuse copy is an art form neither fully appreciated nor understood.

Well done!

widestanceromance May 25, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Wouldn't stomach acid give it a little tang at least?

MosesInvests May 25, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Sounds like this trial needs Tart Reform.

IonaTrailer May 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Polite clapping – indeed.

Oblios_Cap May 25, 2012 at 3:23 pm

He's gonna whip out his big ten inch ..notepad and start passing her love notes.

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Upfisted for the Aerosmith reference.

Is it just me, or is Steven Tyler looking more like Gollum every year?

tessiee May 25, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Johnny's flirtatious personality is sure to come in handy when he's blowing the other convicts for cigarettes.

tessiee May 25, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"That beet salad was not nearly so nice on the way back up"

At least your barf was a pretty color.

chascates May 25, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Frailty, thy name is woman. Scumbag, thy name is John Edwards.

Mahousu May 25, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"Jet-black hair"? Wait, I thought Nikki Haley was governor of South Carolina. What is she doing up north? Aside from the obvious, that is.

elburritodeluxe May 25, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Former Senator, Former presidential candidate and current miggity mac daddy John Edwards.

tessiee May 25, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I'm not sure exactly how, but somehow, this is good news for Bristle Palin.

CivicHoliday May 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Are we sure he isn't secretly from New Jersey?

tessiee May 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm

No, that's his cousin who thinks women should be whores in the parlor, or whatever that guy with far too much hair product said.

rickmaci May 25, 2012 at 3:33 pm

How do we set up a smackdown in the hallway of the court house between Rielle and the juror with John standing somewhere of the middle of the two? What an episode of Cheaters that would make !!!!

pdiddycornchips May 25, 2012 at 3:36 pm

He's probably thinking, " I wish these crazy sluts would back the fuck up off me".

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Lawyers. Celebrating Towel Day. That's all.

LettucePrey May 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I'd still hit that… with my car.

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I prefer my Louisville Slugger. less paperwork.

Baconzgood May 25, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Is he a carpenter, because that's a stud.

smokefilledroommate May 25, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Motherfucker has a serious problem.

weejee May 25, 2012 at 4:20 pm

 

smashedinhat May 25, 2012 at 4:07 pm

If there is any justice the dude will go bald. Hair farmers are never ready for that.

YasserArraFeck May 25, 2012 at 4:09 pm

He should just change his name to "Fido" and have done with it.

not that Radio May 25, 2012 at 4:13 pm

"The defendant will now rise"

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 4:23 pm

"ooops, too late"

Jus_Wonderin May 25, 2012 at 4:25 pm

We haven't seen this juror yet. She might be stone cold hawt. We shouldn't be so hardon Edwards.

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 4:31 pm

lol…you said hard on.

owhatever May 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Off with his pants! I mean his head!

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Off with his pants Nuts!

Fixed.

Tommmcattt May 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm

John Edwards is truely a polititian of Clinotnian proportions.

ttommyunger May 26, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Pussy is a Helluva drug.

tcaalaw May 27, 2012 at 9:30 am

John Edwards is going to work as a videographer on someone else's campaign?

Barb May 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Soro's you know that both of my sons-in-law happen to be lawyers. : )

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Submitted, tongue-in-cheekily, For Your Approval:
Destroy All lawyers.

tessiee May 25, 2012 at 6:17 pm

What is this, a blizzard, that he can't have money in his pocket and people not talk about him?? This world is a trip! Hey, lemme tell ya something, he made this money, you didn't! Right, Thad?
*we outta here*

I don't know if Bobby Brown had any money — or perhaps more to the point, had any money LEFT — but I do think, size queens aside, that the person who made the original comment was missing the (tee hee) point.

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