Mitt Romney gave an interview to Peggy Noonan, and it is great! She is the greatest interviewer, very important and insightful questions, we are sure! Do you wake up in a good mood, or do you have to work your way into it? “When was the last time you woke up unhappy?” “Do you love politics—the joy of it, the fight of it?” Those are all so good, and we cannot wait to hear the answers, which are like, “depends,” “can’t remember,” and “nah.”
Then there are Peggy’s own marvelous insights, like this:
The great story about Mr. Romney’s father, George, is that one word—”brainwashed”—did in his presidential candidacy in 1968. People have hypothesized that Mitt is careful with words and statements, that he edits his thoughts too severely, because of the power of that myth.
Really, Peggy? Have people hypothesized that Mitt is careful with words and statements? Because we really hadn’t realized that was a Thing, Ol’ Mittens being careful with words and statements. We were under the impression that he can’t open his mouth without telling everyone in the vicinity he could buy and sell them. Unless by “careful,” Peggy means “robotic and stilted”? That would make a lot more sense.
So DOES Mitt Romney love politics, the joy of it, the fight of it? “I love the interchange with individuals that are probing and pushing.” Yes, that seems “careful” indeed.
In other news, Mitt Romney thinks the loss in people’s 401k’s is Barack Obama’s fault, and not that of the job creators and professional 401k rapers on Wall Street, but that is so obvious we probably shouldn’t have even mentioned it. [WSJ]
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Did Mitt talk about the one time in college that he yelled, "INTERCEPTED!" as he grabbed a cup and then took a big drink of his friend's coffee? Mormons don't drink coffee because it is the "devil's temperature"
There is a saying amongst the gentiles out west, that you should never go hunting with just one Mormon, because if you do, he'll drink all your beer. Ya gotta bring two, neither one will drink in front of the other.
Oh yes, Utah. The only place on earth where a Jew is a gentile.
But, seriously, they're not all closet alkies. Lots of pr0n, sure, but not as much behind-closed-door binge drinking.
Also, I think Utah is the only state that has an official state holiday on the first day of the deer hunt? The logic being all the kids are going to skip school that day anyway, so might as well.
(Veterans Day, however, is not observed by the schools.)
Jews in Utah? What, all three of them?
Actually, there's a thriving Jewish community in Utah, mostly because they were kicked out of California during the 1849 Gold Rush for being, you know, JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE
Plus, Jewish girls give the best head and you didn't have to worry about marrying them, they didn't want you unless you were a Jewish doctor or lawyer.
Lots of states have defacto holidays on the first day of various hunting seasons.
True story. I used to live in a small city/big town in south Louisiana. The day of the election for city mayor happened to fall on the first day of hunting season (I think it was deer, but it could have been another species) AND the day that a highly anticipated craft show opened in town. The race was between a decent candidate and a crazy and corrupt former mayor. I voted before going to the craft show, but apparently most of my neighbors assumed that other folks would vote and went hunting or to the show instead. Incredibly low turn out. In fact, the only people voting were probably me and the extended family of the crazy crook. The crazy crook was reelected mayor and the whole city woke up the next day with basically the equivalent of a mass hangover and a whole lot of regret. Everyone spent the next few years trying to keep the crazy man under control and counting the days until the next election.
I don't RECALL anything like that happening in Wisconsin recently…
Same saying goes down here in the bible belt. You take a Baptist hunting, he'll drink all the beer. You take his pastor hunting, and he'll drink it all and ask for more. You take both hunting, and it's all yours.
Mormons simply don't know about the benefits of drinking coffee. For one: it keeps you from being a Mormon.
The best part of waking up is Romney in your cult.
Speaking of coffee, there's now a brown splatter pattern all over my monitor.
Sorry, my bad!
Noonan managed to get that mangled sentence out?
Was she sober or more drunk than the other 23 hours of the day?
It's her new Adderal & Gin Smoothie recipe. Twice the blathering, with half the sense-making!
Hey, don't knock adderal and gin till you've tried it!
SLOW DOWN!
…d-e-r-a-l-l…and….g-i-n….
Go on?
“I love the interchange with individuals that are probing and pushing.”
Worst. Pr0n. Ever.
Robot porn.
Needs more santorum.
Aren't there any issues of significance you'd like to talk about?
I invented Romneycare before I hated Obamacare?
I created jerbs before I destroyed them?
NOTK.
Sure, but there's only a <.001 chance I'll ask them.
What makes you so optimistic? Huh?
Optimistic?
If you like Pareto so much why don't you marry him.
Because I'm engaged to Frank Benford.
And besides, 20% of my rules of thumb account for 80% of my bad decisions.
“I love the interchange with individuals that are probing and pushing.”
So, Marcus for Veep then.
Were there magic dolphins? Did she confer the blessing of Holy Saint Reagan on him, as only she, the High Priestess of Ronnie, can?
Exactly!!!
Wonkette said "Nooners", and I said, where's my emm-effing magic dolphins???
~
You can still petition the Arizona Secretary of State to investigate whether or not Rmoney is a unicorn.
“I love the interchange with individuals that are probing and pushing.”
HAWT!
So that's why he's always putting on that fudge glove…
Note to Peggy: although they have the same greasy hair color and style, Mittens is not Ronnie so you don't have to give him a literary blow job (or a literal one, either).
Do they put the professional 401(K) rapers on the Group W bench, with the mother rapers and father rapers?
Me and the shrink jumped up and down yelling, "Outsource! Outsource! Outsource!"
Like his father one word is likely to end Mitt’s presidential ambitions. For me that one word is Republican.
Peggy thought she saw a Mexican on Mitt's lawn, but it turned out to be a garden gnome. Then she had long night of percocet-induced dreams about garden gnomes lurching around NYC banging society women on the sidewalks of the upper east side. She woke up with a smile and called her escort service for an emergency visit.
To be brainwashed, one must possess a brain, no? I think "reformatted" is probably a better word for Mitt's circuitry.
Noonan: It won't affect the test. All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions. Just relax and answer them as simply as you can. [ pause ] It's your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet.
Romney: I wouldn't accept it. Also, I'd report the person who gave it to me to the police.
Noonan: You've got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar.
Romney: I'd take him to the doctor.
Noonan: You're watching television. Suddenly you realize there's a wasp crawling on your arm.
Romney: I'd kill it.
Noonan: You're reading a magazine. You come across a full-page nude photo of a girl.
Romney: Is this testing whether I'm a replicant or a Gay, Ms. Noonan?
Noonan: Just answer the questions, please. [ pause ] You show it to your wife. She likes it so much she hangs it on your bedroom wall.
Noonan (background): …bush outside your window…
Romney: I wouldn't let her.
Noonan (background): …orange body, green legs…
Noonan: Why not?
Romney: I should be enough for her.
[ Audio fades out and in, time passes. ]
Noonan: One more question. You're watching a stage play. A banquet is in progress. The guests are enjoying an appetizer of raw oysters. The entree consists of boiled dog…
Romney: The dog should be on the roof.
Noonan: He doesn't know he's a Romlicant?
Tyrell: We thought he'd begin to suspect, but this one's pretty thick.
Noonan: Suspect? How can it not know what it is?
Tyrell: Commerce, is our goal here at Bain. More human than human is our motto. Romney is an experiment, nothing more.
Noonan: Romlicants are people, too, my friend.
"Memories. You're talking about memories."
Noonan: "Memories. You're talking about memories."
Meghan: "Mammaries?"
What's a tortoise?
I've known adventures, seen places you people will never see, I've been to the Caymans and back… frontiers! I've stood on the back deck of a yacht bound for the Virgin Islands with sweat in my eyes watching the natives fight on the shoulder of Jamaica…I've felt wind in my hair, riding test boats off the black lands and seen a bought company burn like a match and disappear. I've seen it, felt it…!
All those moments will be lost in time, like jobs with the Bain.
Time to
Dierun for President.Mitt dreams of electric sheep
Please explain this to me. It's wonderful but I can't understand a word of it, except for the last line.
Ah. This is an adaptation of the Voigt Kampff machine test questions from Philip K. Dick's novel "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" & made famous in the movie "Blade Runner"
A foolproof way of ascertaining whether an interviewee is Human or Android, which is why it's been banned from the Romney campaigns press pool.
Watch as she takes the pleasures from the serpent.
[one of my favorite and less famous BR lines]
"Lies, I only do lies."
One Actual and Many Virtual Upfisties for you!
Tell me, Willard only the good things that come to mind when you think of your mother.
Well at least Mittens is now safe from angry blah people.
No wonder he did so much "probing and pushing" at Bain!
Mitt also loves all the other common activities which the human beings, of which he is one, he can assure us, like to partake in.
Why can't Mitt's Dad run for President, in 2012?
I know we still have 988 years to go until all our presidents are just heads floating in jars, but I think it would be neat to see Lord Mittington the First run against, say, Eugene V Debs.
The apotheosis of reality television, right there.
He's a Messican?
"Mitt, do you get your magic underwear from Fredericks of Hollywood?"
Willard dear, which brand of monocle do you find best fits your orbital area? Now be a good boy and freshen my drink.
Did she ask him what kind of tree he'd be, if he were a tree?
One that was the right height, just before it was chopped down and shipped to China.
Why, a Michigan tree of course.
An oak tree, with roots firmly bedded in church and community. . . .
…good strong roots in a town like Grosse Point, a solid Mormon trunk, and long, leafy branches to provide shade for handicapped kids on a hot summer day.
Umm, all of them?
Peggy Noonan interviewed a Mexican.
Ask a Mexican Mormon
Mitt is just not comfortable in his human body………..
That's just a meat puppet. Mitt's consciousness was transferred to a massively-redundant set of processors and solid-state drives years ago, and is holographically projected from a satellite in geosynchronous orbit onto the animatronic simulacrum as required. This solution has certain limitations during cloudy weather ("Corporations are people too…" "I don't worry about the Poors") but has on the whole proven itself to be cost effective.
Although he does get quite buggy whenever someone uses a microwave in his vicinity. Makes for some interesting conversation in the kitchen.
Martini Lady interviews tee-totaling magic underpantsman.
I hope she had a pitcher next to her while this was going on.
~
We drink Bloody Marys and mimosas until about 10:30, at which point it's okay to switch to beer. Lunch wants to be washed down with a fine rosé or Chablis. Then there's that long haul until cocktail time (5:30). Abstaining for that period proves you're not an alcoholic, again, which means you've earned your two Martinis while cooking dinner, and not more than half a nice bottle of 2008 Oregon Pinot Noir to accompany it.
A little 12-year-old single-malt for a nightcap, and then off to bed to prove once more that you can go six or seven hours without a drink and don't have a problem with it.
My God, thats my day!
Rookies, trying to prove your quitters…
At least we know better than to go out drinking on New Year's Eve with all the amateurs.
Well, I'll grant you that, but the key question is, were you still drinking until the sun came up anyway?
How many martinis do you get from a full shaker? I count that as 2.
Yes! Or maybe just one. One Martini = 1 shaker.
Well then, it is surely the soul of moderation, to have just one single cocktail of an evening?
Some evenings three are required. I don’t want to have to do it, I don’t like doing it, but on occasion this regrettable necessity must happen.
For my pour-count I say 4 Our Fathers and a Hail mary, so I have already done my penance, as well.
Too religious. I prefer to fall back on my military training. Invert bottle over large glass, wait 4 glugs, serve.
A man after my own heart.
With a built in smile like that, how could you possibly wake up unhappy?
What's that? You say it's the billions that keep him and his family happy? Never mind…
Peggy: "So you like babies and puppies."
Mitty: "Barbequed with ketchup, yes."
I gots yer probin' right here, Mittens…
My GOD she's punchable.
"I Love The Interchange With Individuals That Are Probing And Pushing."
That's about the most human thing I've heard him say – I mean, who doesn't like porn after all.
Wait, did I miss something … ?
Have people hypothesized that Mitt is careful with words and statements? Because we really hadn’t realized that was a Thing, Ol’ Mittens being careful with words and statements.
"I like to fire people"
"I'm not concerned about the very poor"
$300K is "not much money"
Yeah, it's a Thing…depending on my mood, it's either a horror show or a barrel of laughs…
"Just borrow $20K from your parents and start a business"
"Corporations are people too"
You shouldn't make faces like that, Peggy. It could freeze that way.
Oh?
Oh.
Re the alt-text: Peggs is a Chesterfield girl, almost certainly.
Fersure!
"I like competition, and I think the game is like a sport for old guys. I mean, you know, I can't compete in competitive sports very well, but I can compete in politics, and there's the—what was the old ABC 'Wide World of Sports' slogan? 'The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.' The only difference is victory is still a thrill, but I don't feel agony in loss."
Oh, good, so you'll pull a Gloria Gaynor and survive after the voters leave your sorry ass behind in November…
Lisa: "Mr. Burns, your campaign has the momentum of a freight train. To what do you attribute your incredible popularity?"
Candidates on a campaign van look out the window and see America go by. They meet with people, talk. I asked Mr. Romney the difference between the America he saw in 2008 and the one he sees now.
♫ The pills of zanax go round and round ♫
"I love the interchange with individuals that are probing and pushing."
Guess Mittenz takes after his great grandfather.
(This one is NooneyTunes' fault. It was an interview, she didn't have to put those words in the story. That she used them says more about her than him. What would Dr. Feud say?)
Peggy Noonan may have her entire retirement 'invested' in Hummel figurines and Thomas Kinkade paintings, but the S&P 500 is at almost double the level it was at when Obama took office (obv. matters only if you have money left over after you've paid the light bill and bought a week's worth of hobo beans).
"Probing and Pushing"??!!??
Jesus H. Christ.
"Mitt is careful with words and statements…he edits his thoughts too severely."
This is one completely delusional thought that could use some severe editing.
He means in his USB, you fucking perverts.
whitest mash up ever.
I like how the cartoon graphic included in the story has an option to 'enlarge image'. Who the hell would want to enlarge that?
Rich White People are robots too, my friends…
I wonder if this schmuck could be a bigger asshole and he goes ahead and proves me wrong
wait until the lame stream media, I mean Fox News gets a hold of him.
I googled "wealthy, white and totally out of touch" and got a link to this same fucking interview.
Unless they're short and fat, then they might "settle" for you…
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