BURN HIM  9:58 am May 25, 2012

Young Barry Obama Always Bogarted That Joint

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Look at this fucking drug addictBuzzfeed has THE SCOOP, because when doesn’t it? According to its “Users Guide to Smoking Pot With Barack Obama” (not afraid to be servicey!) Young Barry Obama was such a villainous smoker of drugs that he made all his Hawaiian Thug Life friends follow satanic rituals in order to partake, like the terrifying “penalties,” “roof hits,” “chooming” and “T.A.” Also? He would jump into the circle and shout INTERCEPTED! and grab the joint for an extra hit. According to Buzzfeed, “nobody seemed to mind.” Is that likely, Wonkers? (No. That is not likely.)

Apparently David Maraniss is done being excerpted about Young Barack’s ghostwritten love letters, and now is the time for crunchy stony excerpts. (A small note, though, Mr. Maraniss: According to our Hawaii-born mama, “pakalolo” doesn’t mean “numbing tobacco.” It means “stupid smoke.” We are going to trust her on this, not you, because why the fuck would weed be called “numbing tobacco,” that is just lame.)

[Buzzfeed]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 108 comments }

ChilLysol May 25, 2012 at 10:01 am

Yet another reason why Barry is the coolest motherfucker in politics.

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:12 am

The hat alone buys him points in my book

ElPinche May 25, 2012 at 10:43 am

Amen Chily …amen .

ChernobylSoup May 25, 2012 at 10:02 am

It's not illegal if the president does it.

StarsUponThars May 25, 2012 at 10:03 am

Puff Puff Pass Libel!

PubOption May 25, 2012 at 10:04 am

This use of the word 'choom' must cause confusion in Australia.

CivicHoliday May 25, 2012 at 10:05 am

Does make one wonder why he is so unwilling to discuss legalizing pot. Oh wait…more for him that way…

TheGyrus May 25, 2012 at 10:17 am

We need to get Joe Biden to say something embarrassing about how everyone should have the freedom to smoke the weed, and then Barry will come out in favor of it the next week.

Baconzgood May 25, 2012 at 10:05 am

(sound of bong gurgling)

Wha?

CapeClod May 25, 2012 at 10:54 am

Nothing. Carry on.

BaldarTFlagass May 25, 2012 at 10:05 am

I bet he always had the killer shit, too.

ChilLysol May 25, 2012 at 10:12 am

Schwag is for Paultards.

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:13 am

Hawaiian, man. Maui wowie. Primo stuff. I'd move to Hawaii and live on the lava flows just to be near a farm

proudgrampa May 25, 2012 at 10:22 am

It is some good shit.

Lascauxcaveman May 25, 2012 at 10:55 am

I remember smoking dope in the late 70s, early 80s, which is the last time I did it with any regularity. Everyone had about four pounds of the stuff on hand precisely because it wasn't very good shit. Not like the crazy-strong stuff I keep hearing about today.

We never bogarted, we'd roll everyone in the room their own joint, smoke 'em up and roll some more. Sometimes we even got a buzz on.

metamarcisf May 25, 2012 at 10:06 am

Looking at this president smoking a doobie gives me an overwhelming desire to talk to him about Martians.

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 10:38 am

I'd like to ask him if there's really Life on Mars

DaSandman May 25, 2012 at 10:07 am

And while all this fun was happening, Mittens was going through peoples dorm rooms looking for change and whatever loot he could carry. He called it "Baining!"

Mittens Howell, III May 25, 2012 at 10:07 am

Chilled stoner beats uptight haircutter any day.

elburritodeluxe May 25, 2012 at 10:08 am

I think it's crazy smoke, lolo wahine.

SorosBot May 25, 2012 at 10:08 am

I wouldn't trust anyone born after 1945 or so who had never tried marijuana.

Terry May 25, 2012 at 10:22 am

I've never smoked pot or cigarettes because I was raised around people with serious lung disease (smokers, coal miners, coal miners who smoked). Didn't really encourage me to suck stuff down into my lungs. Beer and tequila are a different matter entirely.

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:37 am

Brownie buzzes aren't too bad, btw

GemlikeFlame May 25, 2012 at 7:53 pm

You inhale beer and tequila? I thought I was hardcore, but I take my hat off to you.

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:27 am

Bro, you holding?

UW8316154 May 25, 2012 at 10:40 am

That's a little *harsh* now, isn't it?

deanbooth May 25, 2012 at 10:43 am

Especially children.

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 10:45 am

But what if someone doesn't like the smell or is perhaps made too paranoid and hungry by it? :'-(

MissTaken May 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

Ah hell, even my grandpa who was born in the late teens smoked hash. I think he even smoked with my 15 yo dad when they spent a summer in Texas trolling around border bars banging hookers and drinking moonshine.

Gunner Asch May 25, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Date bullseye. I was born in '47, my sister in '44, and she and her friends were horrified by the evil, unamerican behavior of me and my friends in smoking that awful drug.

BaldarTFlagass May 25, 2012 at 10:08 am

"He would jump into the circle and shout INTERCEPTED! and grab the joint for an extra hit."

I know this guy! Fucker!

Baconzgood May 25, 2012 at 11:11 am

Even worse he'd take the record off without asking and force you to listen to his shitty music.

Baconzgood May 25, 2012 at 10:09 am

I bet if you're the POTUS you get some good cronic.

V572 Is this him? May 25, 2012 at 10:14 am

Secret Service can probably hook you up lickety-split.

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:28 am

They're stocked with coke now!

UW8316154 May 25, 2012 at 10:41 am

Hookers and blow!

freakishlywrong May 25, 2012 at 10:09 am

This makes me only love him more..

Doktor StrangeZoom May 25, 2012 at 10:10 am

Perhaps, at long last, THIS will be the silver bullet to bring down this monster's presidency and restore freedom to America!

ingloriousbytch May 25, 2012 at 10:11 am

Barry's all for socialism until it comes to the weed, then Atlas starts shrugging like a mothafucker.

weejee May 25, 2012 at 10:11 am

 

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 10:11 am

Finish the fucking story! What about the glands?

Mittens Howell, III May 25, 2012 at 10:11 am

Sometimes Mitt Romney would guzzle up to two malted milks in a crazed dairy session while subjecting friends to "penalties" such as: 'Haircut!" "Fired!" and "You Be The Doggy, I'll Be The Driver"

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:12 am

“pakalolo” doesn’t mean “numbing tobacco.” It means “stupid smoke.”

Wacky tabacky, to be precise, 'Trixie

Beetagger May 25, 2012 at 10:13 am

Next thing you know, he'll be attacking the Free Mexican Air Force.

DerrickWildcat May 25, 2012 at 10:14 am

You better listen up! "If you're gonna smoke pot, be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends. Think about it."

montreal_bruin May 25, 2012 at 10:25 am

Jellyneck libel!!!!11!!

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:28 am

Wait….I'm supposed to be stoned when that happens?

I'm doin it rong.

muthalovin May 25, 2012 at 10:14 am

Stoners, you too can be president one day.

ProgressiveInga May 25, 2012 at 10:28 am

Doritos libel!

Lascauxcaveman May 25, 2012 at 11:03 am

I could have run for president /
But I got high

niblick77 May 25, 2012 at 10:15 am

…..and if you don't like it pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.

BaldarTFlagass May 25, 2012 at 10:15 am

I wonder if he was one of those guys that would "shoot the run" on the joint with some of his saliva. Great, dude, now I have to smoke your spit? I think I'm done.

prommie May 25, 2012 at 10:20 am

Don't be such a tightass, jeeze.

Nesnora May 25, 2012 at 10:28 am

Ugh I HATE that. Worse than that is lipstick.

UnholyMoses May 25, 2012 at 10:35 am

One wouldn't have to do such a thing if the person rolling the doobie had done so correctly.

(insert smile emoticon here.)

Of course, if you've done shrooms, you ate cow shit, so it's all relative.

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:37 am

If you're lucky, they used cowshit. Mushrooms grow in any kind of shit.

UnholyMoses May 25, 2012 at 10:57 am

But they are so very much worth it.

'Specially at a Pink Floyd concert/Grateful Dead show.

**reminisces**

sharethegrief May 25, 2012 at 10:17 am

Barry walks really well for someone who's had polio.

MasterDebater May 25, 2012 at 10:17 am

Funny to see these generational shifts. To some baby boomers, What Were YOU Doing During Vietnam and But Did You Inhale were important issues in our identity politics. You get to Barry's generation and no one cares.

What's going to be really funny to watch is when Krystal Ball, Jon Favreau and every other girl/guy who's ever gone on spring break to Cabo with a smartphone hits that magical age when it's their turn to run for everything. There will be some hand-wringing when all those hundreds of pictures of you doing insanely dumb stuff (while naked/stoned) hit the airwaves. And then when Krystal's and Jon's nieces/nephews run for office, no one will care. In fact, if there isn't some grainy cellphone video of you blowing some guy in a changing room/bathroom stall on whatever takes over from YouTube, you won't be considered "hip" for office.

What I'm saying, basically, is Meghan McCain 2028. You heard it here first!

proudgrampa May 25, 2012 at 10:26 am

GIRLS GONE WILD!!!

Oh, yeah.

elburritodeluxe May 25, 2012 at 10:18 am

Next they'll say he frequented a crack seed store!

glamourdammerung May 25, 2012 at 10:18 am

Shame he was not out doing something useful to society at that age, mainly committing hate crimes like Willard.

not that Radio May 25, 2012 at 10:18 am

Ganj you can believe in!

BarackMyWorld May 25, 2012 at 10:21 am

And months from now we'll learn Mitt snuck a sip of Pepsi once at a Bain company picnic in 1983.

Sparky McGruff May 25, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I'm pretty sure it was caffeine free diet pepsi.

Goonemeritus May 25, 2012 at 10:29 am

Americans typically only vote for Presidents they can see themselves sharing a joint with.

biblioteq_tress May 25, 2012 at 4:06 pm

If only that were true. We have only elected presidents that we can see nose-hosing our coke and being an asshole to us an hour later, or locking up the good booze before the holiday party.

Yeah, I'm looking at you, Bush boys, I'm looking at you.

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:30 am

Great! Just as the nation begins to take a tolerant attitude towards weed, the only weed I'm interested in is psyllium.

Old age: kids, don't let this happen to you!

proudgrampa May 25, 2012 at 10:30 am

Time for some Classic Cheech and Chong:

"No stems, no seeds,
That you don't need,
Acapulco Gold is
Bad Ass WEED."

"Acapulco Gold Filters — Short in the Leaf, Long in the Can!"

"It's some BAD WEED."

UnholyMoses May 25, 2012 at 10:33 am

I gotta basketball jones …

UnholyMoses May 25, 2012 at 10:32 am

I bet the President gets the best weed.

Probably the stuff the DOJ has seized from totally legal operations in California (right after saying the DOJ wouldn't do any such thing).

Legalize it and I'll advertise it.

Me_K_Cong May 25, 2012 at 11:29 am

Memories of tobacco advertising is THE reason why Americans won't legalize weed.

Mumbletypeg May 25, 2012 at 10:32 am

So what I've gotten so far from this morning's wonknews bulletin is: Republicans endorse profanity via Tourette legislation; Meghan says what few Republicans are willing to admit nor hear admitted out loud; and acc. to the Buzzfeed thingy:

In [Barry's] Choom Gang, all V's were created equal.

This is the best morning-n'-america EVAR. Gimme some more of that!~

ManchuCandidate May 25, 2012 at 10:38 am

I was gonna be a sleeper agent before I got high
I coulda led a Mao Mao revolution but I got high
I am now the centrist preznit of US America and I know why
- cause I got high
- cause I got high
- cause I got hiiiiiiigh

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 10:41 am

Sure, smoking Pot is all fun and games until somebody turns into a Lizard.

crybabyboehner May 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

or eats a whole bag of Cheetos.

C_R_Eature May 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

or eats a whole bag of Cheetos mealworms.

HistoriBarb May 25, 2012 at 10:46 am

“penalties,” “roof hits,” “chooming” and “T.A.” – Huh?

God, I am so unhip.

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 10:54 am

Same here. If it wasn't for the Urban Dictionary and Google, I would never know what the hell was going on.

ElPinche May 25, 2012 at 10:46 am

Yo Bams, then decriminalize that shit.

An_Outhouse May 25, 2012 at 11:01 am

Decriminalization won't help – there will still be gangsters controlling the distribution. Legalize it already.

ElPinche May 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I was thinking baby steps, but I like the cut of your jib.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 25, 2012 at 10:47 am

Weed for me, but not for thee.
~

UW8316154 May 25, 2012 at 10:52 am

Sounds like Barry grew up in paradise!

News flash for Buzzfeed: middle-class white kids in Cali were doing the exact same things, but without the panache. Fast Times At Ridgemont High could have been a documentary.

Chichikovobarb May 25, 2012 at 11:02 am

True. In fact, the movie was based on a purportedly non-fiction book of the same name by Cameron Crowe, at the time a journalist for Rolling Stone who had spend a year "undercover" as a senior in high school.

MosesInvests May 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I knew a guy just like Spicoli in high school. It was a prep school with a dress code, so he'd wear aloha shirts with a tie. Had 1st period algebra with him-you always knew whether or not he'd be in class, by listening to the surf report on the radio in the morning. Good waves-Parrish wasn't gonna be there.

bflrtsplk May 25, 2012 at 10:53 am

Anybody got any papers? The cat hid my water pipe again.

SexySmurf May 25, 2012 at 10:54 am

I was going to pass meaningful financial reform until I got high
I was going to close Gitmo until I got high
I'll do it next term and I know why
'cause I got high
'cause I got high
'cause I got high

prommie May 25, 2012 at 10:57 am

Barack's not here, man.

An_Outhouse May 25, 2012 at 11:00 am

As long as he didn't hold you down and cut off your hair while he was stealing your weed, you got nothin' to complain about.

Chichikovobarb May 25, 2012 at 11:12 am

The article is just one devastating revelation after another. Witness:

In another section of the [senior] yearbook, students were given a block of space to express thanks and define their high school experience.
Nestled below [Obama's] photographs was one odd line of gratitude: "Thanks Tut, Gramps, Choom Gang, and Ray for all the good times." … A hippie drug-dealer made his acknowledgments; his own mother did not.

A teenager doesn't talk about his mother, but rather his friends, on a page devoted to high school experiences. Obviously a future Hitler and Stalin combined.

Generation[redacted] May 25, 2012 at 11:17 am

And he didn't even mention his birf certificat or the secret plan to make him president.

That's one crafty totalitarian socialist.

BornInATrailer May 25, 2012 at 11:19 am

This article is giving me a "then why the fuck is Barack going after dispensaries" contact high.

__kth__ May 25, 2012 at 11:50 am

Something tells me Jack Cashill will find these latest tales more believable.

Billmatic May 25, 2012 at 11:51 am

If Barry still blazed like this I'd be okay with him, though I'd want him to grow up and JUST SMOKE IT YO.

Pithaughn May 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Here's a tip for any partakers who are venturing to the 4 corners area. There are water pipes carved into some rock outcroppings near a park named after a dead animal. It is fun to toke straight from a giant cliff.

fuflans May 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

he's also wearing a fucking bracelet.

Dildeaux May 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Its a QRay!!1!

crybabyboehner May 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

It's all fun and games until somebody eats a whole bag of Cheetos.

TribecaMike May 25, 2012 at 5:40 pm

"Mitt's not here, man."

ttommyunger May 26, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Ass, Cash or Grass, man. Nobody rides for free, except Peggy "The Lush" Noonington and Willard, the "Bully Barber".

LloydDrako May 27, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Obviously a lie, or Obama would be dead. No circle of stoners would tolerate his practice of "interception." Enraged by his violation of protocol, and stripped of all moral restraint by the effects of the drug, they would have ripped his face off and stuffed it down his throat.

mrpuma2u May 25, 2012 at 10:47 am

Dang I was too slow on the draw. Nicely played sir. I wonder if it was Maui Wowie, I mean he did live in HI.

actor212 May 25, 2012 at 10:49 am

Oh, I'm sure there were plenty times in the Clinton White House when he inhaled.

I personally never bought that story, because he smoked cigars. Now, you don't inahle 'gars but second hand smoke hangs heavy in the air, and if he really had "asthma" and it stopped him from toking, the cigar would have sent him to the hospital

Lascauxcaveman May 25, 2012 at 11:01 am

Oh, please. Everyone knows the cigars were just a smokescreen to mask the pervading odor of ganja. And pussy.

Baconzgood May 25, 2012 at 11:11 am

BLUNT LIBEL!!!

OldWhiteLies May 25, 2012 at 11:16 am

Oh geeze. Pull over DB. I'll drive for a while. You go sit in back and wig until it smooths out.

And yes – it's the NW – everybody has ski racks here – hell we even put them on pickup trucks.

proudgrampa May 25, 2012 at 12:20 pm

"…hell we even put them on pickup trucks. "

I don't know why, but that is the funniest thing I have read today.

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