AND CHACHI TOO  6:03 pm May 24, 2012

Who Would Win In A Barfight: Joe The Plumber Or Joe The Biden?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Needs moar punchingHandsome Old Joe Biden explained the other day that being a Bain executive doesn’t make you any more special or ready to be president than would being a plumber. Maybe we are wrong (we are not wrong) but it sounds to us like Handsome Old Joe is standing up for the working man, the middle class workers or blue collar workers, and saying being a fat-cat corporate vulture doesn’t give you any more special expertise than those other Joes have! You’re not so special, Mr. Fancy Pants, we hear Joe yelling, all sexy like, in our perfect shell-shaped ear. “Joe” “the Plumber” took great offense to this, because he’s a fucking idiot. Here, watch Mr. the Plumber try to use words and sentences to pick a fight.

“It was insulting … for Joe Biden to sit there and say who can be president and who not, who’s qualified and who isn’t, is just asinine, especially with the track record they left behind them,” Wuzelbacher told Fox News. “If I was this administration or Joe Biden himself I wouldn’t want anyone looking at my record and sitting there talking about how great we are and you should be sitting down there.”

“The middle class workers or blue collar workers, we can do it, and, this election cycle we’re going to do it,” he said. “People are going to see it happen and it’s going to be great, so they’re going to be eating those words.”

Good sentences, “Joe”! You got Sarah Palin feeding you lines through your special George W. Bush Debate-Bulge 3000?

Will Joe the Biden respond to this bald-headed attempt to get attention? DON’T BE RIDICULOSE. Joe the Biden is way too Fonzie to even pay attention to such blithering. Nope, he’d let him tire his own self out, and then POW RIGHT TO THE KISSER.

[Politico]

 

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{ 130 comments }

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Biden by a knockout in the first round.

Butch_Wagstaff May 24, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Joe would pull off his gloves and exit the ring before the fight started.

DrunkIrishman May 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Biden would literally kick his ass.

Terry May 25, 2012 at 7:32 am

Then have a shot and a beer.

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Wuzelbacher isn't qualified to be an unlicensed plumber.

Maman May 24, 2012 at 6:17 pm

I believe the official term for "unlicensed plumber" is "Handy Man"

smokefilledroommate May 24, 2012 at 6:52 pm

…that lazy goddamned maintenance guy

LetUsBray May 24, 2012 at 6:18 pm

He's not even qualified to be named Joe.

Beowoof May 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

As a Joe in real life who has actually learned how to do plumbing, in a real live public school, I have always resented McCain hanging this name on him and insinuating he is a plumber.

ChilLysol May 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm

You are kidding, right? Biden would skullfuck this little retard, put him in trunk of the Camaro and dump his ass in the Mexican desert.

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Headless, in the Arizona desert.

Wile E. Barbote May 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Then he'd go back to Ohio and plant trees all over Wurzelbacher's yard just to make sure that everyone knew that it didn't pay to fuck with Joe Biden.

Beowoof May 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I think it would be something akin to the Joe Pesci death scene in Casino.

Terry May 25, 2012 at 7:34 am

Naw, Biden's from the mid-Atlantic. The body would be dumped in a wetland somewhere or buried in the endzone of a football field.

sewollef May 25, 2012 at 8:26 am

I believe there might be a slot available in one of the pillars of the Verrazano Bridge — it's due a renovation. He can join a certain missing union leader.

PuckStopsHere May 24, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Looks like somebody brought a knife to a gun fight.

Nostrildamus May 24, 2012 at 6:18 pm

And it wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

BerkeleyBear May 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

More like a dull pair of safety scissors (Joe the Sam isn't allowed to play with sharp things).

Butch_Wagstaff May 24, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Paper to a rock fight, maybe?

Negropolis May 24, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Yeah, a butter knife.

Callyson May 24, 2012 at 6:09 pm

“It was insulting … for Joe Biden to sit there and say who can be president and who not, who’s qualified and who isn’t, is just asinine, especially with the track record they left behind them,” Wuzelbacher told Fox News.

Yeah, that's what I said about the Republicans in 2008, and that's what more and more Americans are saying about them after seeing the Tea Party in action..

Wait, he was referring to someone else?

miss_grundy May 24, 2012 at 6:17 pm

What is it about stupid Ohioans that makes you want to punch them out. I know there are a lot of stupid people in Toledo but would they really give this dipshit a congressional seat? They can't be that stupid, oh wait!

edgydrifter May 24, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Wurzelbacher is offended because Biden didn't include "fake plumbers" in his list of people qualified to be president.

Barb May 24, 2012 at 6:12 pm

The only thing we actually do really know about this Joe the plumber is that he's opinionated, he's extremely conservative, and we're not so sure about the plumbing. Oh my God, he's Ann Coulter!

-Bill Maher

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Joe's certainly more feminine than Coulter.

Wile E. Quixote May 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I thought that Bill Maher knew all about Ann Coulter's plumbing, and then some.

flamingpdog May 24, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Has anyone ever seen Orly Taitz's plumbing (and lived to tell about it)? I never noticed it before one of last night's blog posts (never barely lucid enough to even want to look at her pictures), but she looks kind of manly from my perspective. As a woman (or at least posing as a woman on teh Wonkette), have you ever noticed anything like that?

HistoriBarb May 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm
weejee May 24, 2012 at 6:12 pm

 

el_donaldo May 24, 2012 at 6:13 pm

If I was this administration or Joe Biden himself I wouldn’t want anyone looking at my record and sitting there talking about how great we are and you should be sitting down there.

No, you should be sitting down there. And shutting up. You're making my head hurt.

ElPinche May 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm

You know that head stomping scene in Drive? Biden=Ryan Gosling , Joe the Fake=The aftermath on Biden's shoe. ..theatrically speaking, of cooouurse.

Maman May 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Biden would make Joe's plumbing leak

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm

ZOMFG. He needs a translator, STAT!

Fuck. He needs a stat.

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 7:06 pm

I know! I cannot for the life of me make the slightest bit of sense out of what he said.

Oh, and HI, Z!!!!

Butch_Wagstaff May 24, 2012 at 7:50 pm

"I know! I cannot for the life of me make the slightest bit of sense out of what he said."

Word Salad Soldiers for Freedums don't need to make sense. They know some words & will use them however they want for the 2nd amendment, Jesus, and other stuf! Like Shakespeare!

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Dear god, if Shakespeare could see these lackwits and their abuse of the English language, he'd give Robert Greene a fine dose of "upstart crow" for dinner.

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 8:18 pm

You need to be fluent in TeaPartian, and by TeaPartian I mean Bagnerian, and by Bagnerian I mean Palinese, and by Pali…

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 8:30 pm

The same thing happened when I tried to read one of Hitler's speeches. Absolute fucking gibberish. I told a friend I couldn't understand it, and he reassured me by telling me that it was a good thing.

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 8:41 pm

My husband, who was a child in Berlin during the Hitler years, says that his speeches would start out somewhat understandably and quickly descend into slathering babble. He always thought that he just didn't understand the Austrian accent and dialect.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Hey, sweetpea! (Hugs the li'l nut tight)

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 11:25 pm

*Hugs teh Z back

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Joe could do with the charm of a meth head.

deanbooth May 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

The random sprinkling of commas doesn't help.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Sigh. These people are insane. It's as if they have declared that ALL rules are bad and to be flouted, including the rules of grammar. Perhaps they misread it as "gramma?" Let's hope they soon attempt to flout the laws of physics. You know, for a look at why exactly they're called LAWS of physics, rather than, say "suggestions of physics." They feel no obligation to make sense or to learn what passes for communication among humans.

flamingpdog May 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I wish they'd reject the Law of Gravity.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 11:02 pm

We'll Need Stronger Umbrellas If This Keeps Up.

So to speak, of course.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Near the edge of a cliff.

ManchuCandidate May 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Biden, because he would point to Joe the Plumber's feet and go "What's that?" Sam would look down and then Joe would smash a bar stool over his head.

Then the Loonie Toons music would play.

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 6:17 pm

I would imagine the fight would go a little like this. DOWN GOES FRAZIER!

Nostrildamus May 24, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Not this?

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 6:25 pm

That'll work too, also.

flamingpdog May 24, 2012 at 7:20 pm

In Joe's case, I was thinking more like this, but your's works for sure.

Werner_Voss May 24, 2012 at 6:18 pm

" Joe the Biden is way too Fonzie …."

That has to be the funniest thing I've read in months. Or did the author mean 'Fozzie,' as in Bear? }:{

Callyson May 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Actually, this could happen–Joe the Plumber could be a surprise pick for Veep, to shore up the working class voters who are delusional enough to vote for the Reeps. Wouldn't be the first utterly unqualified VP nomination from the Repubs…

…and the VP nomination could take place in a wrestling arena. It's on, bitches!

rocktonsam May 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

The Joe that has never been a pussy, that's who would win.

Mittens Howell, III May 24, 2012 at 6:20 pm

After Biden's done with him I'm guessing Wurzelbacher would have to call a 'real plumber' to help fish his head out of the S-bend.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 6:20 pm

To paraphrase what the people in those annoying AT&T commercials would say, "This guy is so 4 years ago."

OldWhiteLies May 24, 2012 at 6:25 pm

May I?

"This guy is so 4 years ago never was."

Hows that?

rickmaci May 24, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Joey "Enforcer" Biden vs. Joe "Not Really a Plumber" Weezelbagger .

Who do you think would win, like Douchelbagger would even show up.

Terry May 25, 2012 at 7:37 am

Come to think about it, Joey the Enforcer's elderly mother (God rest her soul) could have taken down Joe "not really a plumber".

Goonemeritus May 24, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Biden’s Mom would send Joe home crying like a little debutant that no one would dance with at her first cotillion.

cognachas4paws May 24, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I saw this guy doing an interview the other day and I think it is safe to say he is not qualified to be a dog catcher, much less President.

fuflans May 24, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Who Would Win In A Barfight: Joe The Plumber Or Joe The Biden?

gods of comedy.

elburritodeluxe May 24, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Well, Joe the Biden managed to be a Vice President and a Senator and is really named Joe. Joe the Plumber, whose name is Sam, never even managed to be a real Plumber. Or a Joe.

Rotundo_ May 24, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Sam the Wurzlebacher (a new Dr. Seuss character, that resembles a sphincter with bug eyes and skinny little arms?) really needs to let someone else speak for him; I know that the "folksy one of us" crap probably sells to hoopleheads like the average Republican voter, but it would make him sound less stupid.

JackObin May 24, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Who wins the fight depends on who took their straight jacket off first.

SayItWithWookies May 24, 2012 at 6:29 pm

On Tuesday, Biden said that working in private equity, like Mitt Romney did at Bain Capital, “no more qualifies you to be president than being a plumber. And, by the way, there are a lot of awful smart plumbers.”

Wait a minute now — Real Joe actually said something nice about plumbers and its meaning is that anybody can be president — and Fake Joe starts bitching about it? I guess if Fake Joe knew the meaning of words and sentences he wouldn't be a teabagger — but still, that's some Mariana Trench of Stupid he's plumbing the depths of right there.

Terry May 25, 2012 at 7:38 am

Real Joe probably has a couple of cousins who are real plumbers and who make more than he does as VP.

sharethegrief May 24, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Plumbers always be showing off their buttcracks.

calliecallie May 25, 2012 at 9:01 am

In this case by opening his mouth. Ew.

bumfug May 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Biden would say, "Hey! Somebody dropped a nickel!" and when Joe The Unlicensed Wrench Handler looked around for it – Wham! Kicked right in the nuts!

Dashboard Buddha May 24, 2012 at 6:31 pm

“It was insulting … for Joe Biden to sit there and say who can be president and who not, who’s qualified and who isn’t, is just asinine, especially with the track record they left behind them,”

Holy shit! He just said who can be president or not while complaining that Joe Biden was saying who should be president or not.

Either that was total evil genius bullshit, or he's numb as a hake.

(I'm thinking hake…how about you?)

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Also rake, snake and cake.

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 8:26 pm

I'd like to see that fake as the star of a wake.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

(Hands Gold Star to Gem) I don't see CRE_ature around, and it's time SOMEone handed out gold stars around here.

Geminisunmars May 25, 2012 at 10:22 am

Thank you, tpc. Your gold stars are like platinum to me.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Hake, fershure.

calliecallie May 25, 2012 at 9:02 am

hake with shake and bake.

Dashboard Buddha May 25, 2012 at 10:36 am

Sounds fishy to me.

BerkeleyBear May 24, 2012 at 6:31 pm

"No one really wants Biden unleashing the Gun Show on this punk, do they? Oh, they do? (ripping sounds, suit sleeves pulled away to reveal Hulk Hogan-esque pythons) Bring it on, bitches!"

The silence is only disturbed by the noise of Sam the Not Plumber's retreating feet and a plop, plop, plop of the fear crap he took falling out the bottom of his trousers.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

He Romneyed? You saying Sam Wurzelbacher ROMNEYED?

HobbesEvilTwin May 24, 2012 at 6:31 pm

well said, Joe Sam the plumber nobody, well said indeed.

James Michael Curley May 24, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Biden vs. Wuzelbacher in Zaire – The Rumble in the Jungle cause Joe the Plumber ain't licensed in any state in the US.

sbj1964 May 24, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Joe Biden " Flawless Victory" Mortal Combat.

GortRay May 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Curly the Plumber is a Faux News punditiot now? Wow, he must be wicked smaht!

CrunchyKnee May 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Wait a second, Fox news is still on?

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Sorry to say.

smokefilledroommate May 24, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Honestly, I can't believe this choad has managed to parlay a "career" out of simply asking a question at an Obama campaign stop.

Fare la Volpe May 25, 2012 at 12:24 am

A question that was a lie.

timbo71351 May 25, 2012 at 10:42 am

Once again, fuck you John McCain.

HarryButtle May 24, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Can you smell what the Biden is cooking?

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 24, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Is it a large bowl of whoopass, by any chance?

anniegetyerfun May 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Hey, guys! Don't worry, I'll translate. I took four years of Stupidese in college, although I never reached fluency, I was proficient enough to spend time in northern Florida and get around without needing a dictionary.

What he said was "Joe Biden works for a black president and they think they are better than us and can tell us what to do. But he's not the boss of me!"

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

(Hands anniegetyerfun a Gold Star) That was spot on.

Negropolis May 24, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Bingo!

ChuckieJesus May 24, 2012 at 7:37 pm

That picture of Mr. Non-Plumber looks like White Herman Cain. Is the .gif broken? Shouldn't he slide into a grin?

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Everytime I see that creepy, leering mug, I want to call up My Favourite Little Girl to make sure she's nowhere NEAR that slimebag.

rocktonsam May 24, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I bet he ain't getting laid at all

anniegetyerfun May 24, 2012 at 11:38 pm

My gods, you're right. The resemblance is uncanny.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 24, 2012 at 7:46 pm

“The middle class workers or blue collar workers, we can do it, and, this election cycle we’re going to do it,” he said. “People are going to see it happen and it’s going to be great, so they’re going to be eating those words.”

So, what Mr. Wuzelbacher is saying is that all the workers have to lose is their chains?

shortsandpants May 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm

He's not saying anything, me thinks. The chip in his brain hasn't been updated since McCain sold him up the river.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

I thought HE sold McCain, dood.

sewollef May 25, 2012 at 8:38 am

It's still running windows 3.1.

As in, it barely functions as an operating system and was generally received as a laughing stock.

Meet Wurzlebacher 3.1

chascates May 24, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Look, Romney probably isn't qualified to run any Fortune 500 company and Joe the Plumber probably runs a shitty plumbing business.
Government is not a business, it does not have the same goals and responsibilities. One thing we can be sure of: stupid people should not run for public office but they're the only ones who want the jobs for the most part.

Negropolis May 24, 2012 at 11:31 pm

To be clear, Samuel is not an actual, certified plumber.

sewollef May 25, 2012 at 8:40 am

" …… stupid people should not run for public office but they're the only ones who want the jobs for the most part."

Sad but mostly true.

mrblifil May 24, 2012 at 8:21 pm

I had forgotten how byzantine Happy Days had become in it's declining years.

gogogodzilla May 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Biden would bite his ear off.

pinkocommi May 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

“The middle class workers or blue collar workers, we can do it, and, this election cycle we’re going to do it.”

By what, electing Mittens? Because he has so much in common with middle class and blue collar workers. I mean, some of his closest friends own middle class and blue collar workers.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 24, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Mittens will be excellent for a lot of middle-class and blue collar workers, especially if they like extended unpaid vacations.

radio-of-owls May 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm

And untreated medical conditions. Lots and lots of untreated medical conditions.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 25, 2012 at 12:28 am

Cash for clunker lard-rovers? Not under Presidente Mittens!

You'll be lucky to get a buck for your self-inflicted bullet, cancer-oldz.

sewollef May 25, 2012 at 8:45 am

Just occurred to me that Mittens just needs sunglasses and a cheap, gaudy uniform emblazoned with tin medals and gold shit…. and he'd be the epitome of a central American military dictator.

In the Mel Brookes style of course. As in farce… circa The Producers. In fact Zero Mostel would play a great Veep, no?

owhatever May 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm

If he can sit there and say things and make people want to think that middle class workers are qualified to be president on some asinine track recording before you see them first, well, we can do it. And Mister Knowitall Vice President Biden, there are no smart plumbers, so there!

Beowoof May 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Yeah that's what America needs a bunch of fuck nuts from the local bar being elected. They will fix things all right, we will all be permanently fucked. Yes Sammy there are really smart people out there that I would like running things; not a developmentally disabled dimwit such as you.

Negropolis May 24, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Joe the Biden would kick Samuel-not-the-Plumber's ass up and down, coming and going all fuckin' day long.

Sorry, can't be more witty or snarky. That there is any attempt at comparing Joe with Samuel annoys me.

Negropolis May 24, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I read those lines and all I could see in my minds eye was "Sarah Palin." Sam learned from the best (worst). Word Salad 101, and his has been tossed.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Now THERE's a spork-my-eyes-out mental picture!

littlebigdaddy May 24, 2012 at 10:59 pm

OK, but JTP is going to have to come clean with his extensive work in the gay porno industry.

DerrickWildcat May 24, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Man, I forgot how cool half-shirts are! I'm going to make a couple tonight and wear them around town tomorrow!

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 25, 2012 at 12:19 am

Man, we've had some rednecks move in to our little complex here and Sam the Unemployed reminds me of them.

One guy was trying to get his sistercousin's little daughter to pretend to be President. Apparently he'd vote for her if she promised to lower taxes.

This is the same guy who'd just got an eleven-year-old girl to eat a bug for five dollars. At which, the sistercousin squealed with laughter and exclaimed "she'll do anything for money!"

Anyway, yes. These are the sort of folk who should be Presidentin'. Not any of yer edumakated people.

equitywolf May 25, 2012 at 12:31 am

man half shirt, man half shirt, man half shirt

TanzbodenKoenig May 25, 2012 at 1:27 am

OH god, Editrix. I used to just shave my balls for Kirsten… but… let's just say there's room for one more

ttommyunger May 25, 2012 at 6:46 am

In case you haven't been confronted by ignorant self-confidence in your life, study this face and its expression. Only George W. Bush does it better.

Terry May 25, 2012 at 7:31 am

"Who Would Win In A Barfight: Joe The Plumber Or Joe The Biden?"

Joe the "Plumber" would break down in tears before Joe the Biden did more than use harsh language.

calliecallie May 25, 2012 at 9:09 am

Thank you for the Happy Days clip. I was briefly transported to a happer time. Who would have ever thought that I would miss Ronald Reagan?

DahBoner May 25, 2012 at 10:13 am

If the fight involves shaving your head, so nobody will notice you're going bald, I think we have a winner…

Eve8Apples May 25, 2012 at 11:26 am

Biden had to know any reference to a plumber would prompt Joe the make believe plumber to respond with some teabagger crazy. I think Biden is going to have fun taunting the teabaggers this election cycle. Next, he'll mention pitbulls and hockey moms hoping to get the witch of Wasilla to screech a word salad.

Alyssa_Corpus September 10, 2012 at 4:20 am

Definitely Joe the Plumber! He just so remind me of the plumber rockingham who would magically fix our leaked pipes. Joe the Biden also has a counterpart… our father, totally looks like him unfortunately.

Ann_ObeyMe_Money May 25, 2012 at 1:20 pm

SOMEbody needs one of THESE, too. (Hugs Gem with teh Mighty Hug of Goodness)

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