but it seemed so foolproof

New Jersey Mayor Arrested for Trying to Make Internet Quit Saying Mean Things About Him

Nice wall decoration there, dude.

What comical attempts at cliché villainy do we have out of New Jersey’s ranks of local crony politicians today? Here’s one: the FBI has hauled off West New York’s Democratic mayor Felix Roque and his son on charges of hacking into a website associated with a movement to recall the mayor and then calling up the website’s owner to notify the person that “everyone would pay for getting involved against Mayor Roque.” OOOOOH– ha ha, just kidding. Sarah Palin makes better threats to her own in-laws.

Here is the sordid-and-yet-lame tale of Mayor Roque and his double life as Foursquare mayor of spending time in front of his computer hate-fapping to his enemies’ mean Internet comments about him, via the Star Ledger:

The alleged hacking began in February, when [Felix Roque’s son] Joseph Roque was able to access the e-mail account of one of the recall organizers and used that to hack into Go Daddy, the internet service provider that was hosting the website www.recallroque.com. Prosecutors say he then cancelled the account without authorization, taking it down.

The next day, the mayor is charged with making a phone call to another individual associated with the recall movement with the intent of harassing him, telling him that he was aware that he had contributed information to the website.

According to the criminal complaint, Roque called up another recall organizer and intimated that he had the connections to take down the recall website by “highly placed government officials and that everyone would pay for getting involved against Mayor Roque.”

He wasn’t shy about boasting of those contacts, according to the complaint.

“A friend of mine. he works in the — I can’t tell you — three letters — CIA. You know. That’s how I get information. So what I’m doing is not very kosher,” the mayor was quoted as saying.

Oh man, that last one. This guy just sounds like the Gob Bluth of New Jersey politics. [New Jersey Star Ledger]

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          1. Fairtackle

            He is a singularity.

            John von Neumann was quoted as saying about Chris Christie that "the ever accelerating progress of fatness … gives the appearance of approaching some essential singularity in the history of the race beyond which human affairs, as we know them, could not continue."

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      He's so fat that his liposuction byproduct could power Disneyland for 224 years or Lindsey Graham's vibrator for a week.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          Those Black & Deckers suck up juice.

          Is it true Lindsey has to kick-start his?

        1. HogeyeGrex

          Aside from the whole "I now need to pour oil of vitreol into my ears to get rid of the very idea of him having sex" part, I agree.

    2. flamingpdog

      Christie's so fat that if he bungie-jumped off of the top of the Empire State Building, it would be 9-11 all over again.

    3. James Michael Curley

      Chris Christie is so fat when he was in Israel his body guard had to protect him from the Whaling Wall.

    4. Negropolis

      Chris Christie is so fat that light is unable to bend around him rendering him invisible whilst viewed from the other side.

      Chris Christie is so fat that he doesn't have heart attacks, he has Big Mac attacks.

    5. Dashboard Buddha

      He's so fat that his wife won't let him wear a dark gray bathing suit at the beach.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        "On advice of counsel, I invoke my Fifth Amendment privileged to remain silent"?

      1. sewollef

        That's Brooklyn and Mary Markowitz's slogan. Jersey can kiss my ass and get their own.

        The Jersey mob don't scare me, Brooklyn's got its own.

        1. starfanglednut

          Oh don't be silly. Guys' bananas stand on their own without any encouragement whatsoever. All you have to do is look at the things, and there they are, standing firmly at attention.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Not since they invited Chris Christie to one and hungry, and tragically confused about the exact meaning of "student dinner", he ate half of the class of 2011 and three faculty members.

    1. Negropolis

      I remember a Jerry Springer episode years ago when some redneck says he was enrolled in the CIA, and then Jerry asked him to explain it, and it was genuinely one of the intentionally funny moments that show has ever had.

    1. shortsandpants

      Sure— but why BE someone your not when you can ACT like someone your not?

  1. CapnRadio

    The breaching of computer files leading to a New Jersey official's dismissal? Are you sure this guy isn't the Mayor of–let me finish–Hackensack?

    1. James Michael Curley

      Ken Zisa, police chief of Hackensack was just convicted of official misconduct, conspiracy to commit official misconduct and witness tampering. Springing from an attempt to commit insurance fraud when his girl friend struck a utility pole. The first police officer on the scene smelled alcohol on her breath but when he called it in was told not to test her. He wrote up a report and the chief changed the report and coerced the officer to remain quiet. The girl friend and the chief were facing having no coverage if she was drinking. for the damage she did to a police vehicle he let her drive So the story was concocted that she swerved to avoid hitting an animal. He should be sentenced in a few weeks, but there is not a lot of time expected for these types of crimes in NJ.

      1. Designer_Radio

        Me too, for hours as a teenager. Now my fat ass is doing Jillian Michaels' kickboxing videos with my very fit wife (I can haz cliche sitcom relationship?). I can barely kick above my waist now, but I remember kicking the hack above my head back in the day. I'm disgusting : (

        Kidding, I don't care.

  2. WhatTheHeck

    Youse guys think this is funny? For Chrissakes, its Nu Joisey where kneecaps are a liability.

  3. Barb

    I'm surprised that his idiot son got past the Danica Patrick ads on Go Daddy. He doesn't sound smart enough to hack into a tangerine even after his dad tore off the first part of the peel for him.

    1. George Skullfry

      Since you are here fairly recently, may I hope that things are stable on the childbirth front?

      1. Barb

        Thanks for asking! Yes, things are good tonight. The day started out really manic and weird and ended well. We just need to keep Chrissy from giving birth too soon and everything could work out for the best.

          1. Barb

            Lol, George. That was the other drama today. I've been emailing Victoria, asking about her baby and she's blown me off for 10 days straight. I don't call her because she is a hospice nurse who works 12 hours shifts.

            Vic emailed me today and said that she's been emailing my old email address, Barb@gmail.com for 10 days. I dumped that email addy to avoid a creepy, racist stalker. She went to her "sent mail" folder and forwarded me everything I missed. *whew* I thought I was in the mommy "dog house" for some strange reason.

            Vic is doing well, her son will be born soon and she will name him Mitchell Anderson. My son-in-law, Ian is a dream and he's super excited. My other son-in-law, Jason is a real champ and he can't wait to have a daughter.

            I sleep with my cell phone and I am edgy and super excited at the same time. This is the best thing EVER!

          2. BelleSC

            The center of your universe is about to shift. Nothing is ever the same once you have a G-baby take breath. They can do all of the horrible, obnoxious things your children may (or not) have done and it is PERFECTLY ALRIGHT. :-) Their parents' job description is to raise them right. The G-parents' job description is to ruin them. That's my take on it anyway :-)

            Good luck to you all.

          3. Chichikovobarb

            This is all great news. From my observation of my own parents since my kids were born, being a grand-parent is an improved version of being a parent – all the fun and none of the hassle.

    2. Dashboard Buddha

      "smart enough to hack into a tangerine even after his dad tore off the first part of the peel for him."

      Adding this to my insult tool box now. Thanks!

  4. flamingpdog

    Roque, who is a strong supporter of Republican Gov. Chris Christie

    So he's a strong supporter of the Fatman? I wonder how much he can bench press.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      All of Christie's surviving supporters are quite strong.

      The weak ones suffocated years ago.

    2. James Michael Curley

      Roque's a Democrat,
      As the Boss says; "We Take Care of our Own" but not if they go Rogue.

      Roque tried to recall the previous Mayor Sal Vega a democrat born in Cuba with extensive connections in the Cuban American community. Roque's recall was found to be invalid for lack of authenticated signatures but he won the election against Vega last year. I did not appreciate that Robert Menendez did not come forward with a strong endorsement of Vega. But Roque was also born in Cuba and the cuban/hispanic/latino mix ups in NJ politics make for some strange mojo.

  5. CapnRadio

    Joseph Roque was able to access the e-mail account of one of the recall organizers and used that to hack into Go Daddy,

    In Joseph Roque's defense, all he was doing was trying to find the video that shows the ending of the commercial where Danica Patrick is taking a shower.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Alas, I was hoping George Tierney Jr. of Greenville, South Carolina was finally going to get his day in the glorious Wonkette sun.

        1. Ann_ObeyMe_Money

          I just had a comment deleted and I said nothing CLOSE to as inflammatory as you just did. I haz a jelus and I is telling Mommy. I mean Editrix.

          No, srsly — are you her live-in, or what?

  6. Wile E. Quixote

    First Cory Booker and now this idiot. What the fuck is wrong with New Jersey mayors this week? Have they been drinking the goddamned tap water or something?

  7. Wonderthing

    You had me at Gob Bluth. Please mention him earlier next time. I am a busy Wonderthing.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Your father was a hamster and your mother smelt of elderberries, for the record.

  8. Mittens Howell, III

    Last time I hacked into a Go Daddy account I woke up next morning with a severed elephant's head in my bed.

  9. Callyson

    The website shutdown came after Joseph Roque spent some time on the internet researching how to hack a provider password, and learned enough to get into the Go Daddy site. After requesting a password change, Joseph Roque obtained control of the recall account and shut it down, prosecutors said.

    Great security controls, Go Daddy…

  10. Callyson

    Roque earlier this year endorsed Republican Joseph Kyrillos against incumbent U.S. Sen. Robert Menendez (N-N.J.) in February, only to awkwardly take it back a month later after facing pressure from his own party.

    So that *was* Senator Menendez' laughter I heard all the way out here in Los Angeles, then…thought so…

  11. FakaktaSouth

    I swear to God, fucking New Jersey.

    Okay, sorry, I just wanted to be superior, even if only in my own imaginary way, one damn time. I'm over it now, thanks.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      I know–I live in a despised (despised and rejected) state as well, although thank dog it is not Alabama (haha). But NJ is an easy target, even if you are from a redneck place, because, Snooki!

        1. prommie

          No, alas, I believe she is the only one who is actually from New Jersey, the rest from Staten Island.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            Nope. That's Sammi Sweetheart. I know because Cracked's resident Jersey Shore reviewer went into a shame spiral after he figured out that she attended his Jersey high school.

    2. littlebigdaddy

      And what a fucking waste of time and money to send those idiots to Italy. Give me a nice apartment in Italy and I would write poetry worthy of Shelley!

    1. radio-of-owls

      He forgot the cardinal rule: If you joque someone, make sure you leave no marks.

  12. Callyson

    What does Wikipedia have to say about this piece of work?

    On March 23, 2011 Dr. Roque held a press conference from Town Hall addressing several visits from FBI agents to the Town of West New York. Although many conflicting reports have been published as the reason for these visits, including personally implicating Dr Roque's private medical practice, the Mayor himself did not deny the fact that Federal agents were in town but did mention it was for an unrelated investigation. FBI spokesman Briar Travers did in fact confirmed that the FBI was in West New York but decline to give any details in the investigation. In an interview with The Jersey Journal, Dr. Roque stated that the FBI's interest in West New York was possibly "politically motivated" and disclosed that despite several media outlets reporting as so, no personal documentation or computer equipment had been requested or retrieved from any Municipal of private facility.

    Claim of political harassment from the FBI/Obama's Chicago Machine in 3…2…1…

  13. CapnRadio

    Note to all non-Booker New Jersey mayors: getting behind a firewall is not the same as running into a burning building.

  14. OldWhiteLies

    That pic looks like someone took a shot of him on the throne, and then photoshopped it into an office. Pinch face.

    Come to think of it, look at that "blind justice" print behind him. Did he look around the interwebz until he found one that looked like she was about to fall out of her dress?

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    In New Jersey, I was led to understand that telling people that "everyone will pay" for going against you was just a polite way of saying "hello."

    1. chascates

      And no one ever asks 'is that a gun in your pocket or . . .' because it's ALWAYS a gun in their pocket!

  16. V572 Is this him?

    "Felix Roqué" is the best corrupt mayoral name since "Kwame Kilpatrick."

    This is why they never caught Mayor Richard J Daley at anything—his name was just too blah. I mean bland.

      1. Barbikovovich

        I will point out, in the interests of Science, that the article contains the magic words "White himself was never indicted of wrongdoing." That's even got the incorrect grammar that is a sure sign of being-right-ness.

        1. radio-of-owls

          True story: When Dad Owls owned a piece of a small foundry in Easton, MA, he bid on a project to replace the cast iron fence surrounding the Boston Public Garden. Shortly thereafter he got a call from someone on White's staff asking for a campaign contribution (he was up for re-election). Pop declined the invitation. A few days later, he got a call from White's campaign manager, asking if he'd reconsidered and would now like to donate. Pop declined the invitation. The next day he got a call from someone claiming to be White's sister, who strongly urged him to donate, noting that the Mayor, "takes care of his friends." Pop declined the invitation. I'm pretty sure that if the whole family wasn't at the dinner table, next to the phone, Dad would have deployed some of the language skills one acquires while working in a foundry.

          Pop doesn't get the contract. Guess who does? White's brother-in-law. The work was so shabby that by the time they'd gotten half-way around the Garden, the first parts of the fence were falling down. Contract is cancelled, bid is re-opened, and guess who gets the contract this time? POP! I actually worked on that fence, which still stands today.

          Of course, Pop added a "I Got You By The Balls" surcharge the second time.

          1. Barbikovovich

            There you go again, with those feel-good, fairy tale endings. Such a sunny disposition!—

  17. dyedwool

    He kinda looks like Santorum's daughter in that one famous photo, up there, in that photo. Foreshadowing?

  18. Rotundo_

    Great pic of the good mayor, he looks like people do when they realize that the fart they just released is a wet one, really, really, really, wet and they are wearing white (or *were* wearing white) slacks.

    1. Wile E. Barbote

      Isn't letting a really, really, really wet fart in white slacks before Memorial Day or after Labor Day considered to be gauche?

  19. shortsandpants

    The First Rule of Internets is "do not talk about Internets." Like so many of the fallen, even at the friendly hands of the humble commenters/BULLIES/meanies of Wonkette, unfortunate victims entrap themselves inevitably to the enthralling, entrancing embrace of defense against a bunch of immature meanies. These poor cannonites know not what they do when waving their patriotic dildos in the air in some esoteric blasphemy against humor, and NAY… NAY I SAY UNTO THEE… the punishment for ignorance is trolling, domain server attacks, and linear-minded references to said-victims sexual/criminal/racist ETC. moronicies. YAY, now, NOT NAY, I SAY UNTO THEE. They freaking ask for it. Jackasses.

  20. elburritodeluxe

    This guy is the reformer who, against all odds knocked out a corrupt longtime incumbent, that's the crazy part. WNY is political crazytown, even for NJ.

    1. sewollef

      Other than the views of midtown [Manhattan], there's little to recommend it.

      Wait. Let me rephrase. There's nothing to recommend it. It's fucking New Jersey.

  21. pinkocommi

    He's the "Jersey Shore" version of Rod Blagojevich. Greasier. Stupider. Crasser. Who would have thought it possible?

    1. flamingpdog

      Hey, if you can't take a Barb now and then, what are you doing on teh Wonkette?

      1. Chichikovobarb

        Hey GS – I forgot to mention, in the previous stirring episode in which you revealed your secret past, that it's great to have you back! I missed you.

  22. valthemus

    Hasn't Roque ever heard of stooges, patsies, fall guys and henchmen? The guy in charge never sullies his hands with direct involvement. His own fault for missing Dick Cheney's super-villainy webinar.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    So Roque is a dishonest dipshit and a conservative-leaning DINO — I hope this is practice for Joe Lieberman.

  24. Negropolis

    Don't ever change, New Jersey.

    BTW, isn't West New York literally a few blocks wide? Did he think he could get away with this with the town practically living on top of itself?

  25. tessiee

    Don't you guys think that "West New York" is a poor choice of name for a town that's actually in New Jersey, and that the town probably has identity and/or self-esteem issues as a result?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I don't know – at least it's honest. I keep telling Canadians that they should just go ahead and call themselves North USA, but they tell me to go fuck myself, eh?

    2. Come here a minute

      The town so nice they named it twice! But the second name was New Jersey, so, not so nice.

  26. ttommyunger

    Breaking the law to keep a job I wouldn't take…I am gobsmacked. I might as well be reading an article on quantum physics; I just don't get it, and I think I'm lucky.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Thank you. I'm wearing my Peril-Sensitive sunglasses all day long, in honor of Douglas.

        1. not that Radio

          It's the weird colour scheme that freaks me. Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls, which are labeled in black on a black background, a small black light lights up black to let you know you've done it.

          The glasses must help with that.

          1. C_R_Eature

            They do. When they turn impenetrably black, they prevent me from pushing the button whos display said "Do Not Push This Button" at first and then "Do Not Push This Button Again" after I pushed it.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Happy Towel Day

      This is awesome, esp. the bookstore in Australia offering discounts for the occasion.
      I really really need to fit in time for adding some Douglas Adams to my already overloaded list…

      1. C_R_Eature

        Isn't it great? You should read the (5-book) Hitchhiker's Trilogy from the beginning. You'll be glad you did.

  27. Dashboard Buddha

    Well, you can make things foolproof, but you can't make things damnfoolproof.

  28. C_R_Eature

    LDTTS, with Dirk Gently – was that the one with the horrible filthy refrigerator?

    I think your well on your way to Hoopy Frood-dom.

  29. comrad_darkness

    And I had some dick from NJ just the other day insisting, INSISTING that NY politics were worse. Idiot.

  30. imissopus

    I particularly like all his whining about how the DOJ and IRS have taken everything from him. Er, no, you jackass, you FORFEITED those things when you committed federal crimes while serving as an elected federal official. The dude has obviously learned nothing in prison. Maybe he should have served his time in a SuperMax.

  31. V572 Barb

    The hand-written note at the bottom about needing a gun to shoot food is particularly poignant. The fighter pilots in the squadron he commanded used to joke about the “Duke-lexia” in the memos he’s send.

  32. not that Radio

    That would cause some heliorrhoids, no doubt.


    Talk about a Solar Wind!

  33. Negropolis

    Weird. I see a page full of posts from yesterday that I didn't see when I was here yesterday. Wow.

  34. C_R_Eature

    That's nice, thanks! The secondaries are cool – remind me of photos of semicircular shadows through tree cover, during partial eclipses.

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