in the navy

Iran’s Navy Saves American Ship From Pirates, We Are All Best Friends Now Hooray!

Sexy Pirate and Sexy Coral ReefThe Iranian Navy says it saved an American ship from pirates, all ‘Unhand that frigate, villeins! What ho, tea, chappie, lorries, Madge, the sun never sets on the British Empire,’ or something, whatever, arrrr. So now we can all be best friends forever! Yay Iran! Yay us!

An Iranian warship responded to a distress signal from the US-flagged Maersk Texas, a cargo ship of 150 metres (500 feet) and 14,000 tonnes, which was besieged by “several pirate boats,” the navy said in a statement reported by the official IRNA news agency.

The pirates “fled the scene as soon as they spotted the presence” of the warship. Maersk Texas “thanked the Iranian navy and sailed towards its destination safely,” it added.

So what the official IRNA news agency is saying is the Maersk Texas basically was as grateful as an American ever is when someone saves its ass, which is to say the captain probably gifted the Iranian Navy with a cold dead stare, sneered ‘Yeah. Thanks,” in its best Jorge Boosh, and then hotfooted it the fuck out of there to pick up its payload of Burmese-baby-made lead-coated bisphenol A candy cigarettes.

Anyway it’s not like they should have been too grateful.

The US navy patrolling the area have on a number of occasions rescued Iranian ships. The latest incident was in January when a US warship secured the release of 13 Iranian fishermen near the entrance to the Gulf who had been held captive by pirates for 45 days.

Look at us all just cold gettin’ along! Do we smell a Wonkette Geopoliticker coming on? [AFP]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


      1. extreme_left

        I can understand being pissed at Iran, if somebody cock blocked me from either one, chairs would be flying.

  1. Callyson

    Mitten's reaction:

    "Obviously, this shows aggressive intent on the part of the Iranians. Let the bombing begin!"

  2. dijetlo

    Damn Liebrul sea captains! He should have rammed the Iranian scow and held off the pirates with a fake self destruct command where he warns all shipping to stay eleventy billion nautical miles from his location because he's fixin' to blow his warp engines!!!
    I thought these guys had to have a mess a schoolin' er sumfin?

  3. Schmannnity

    Now, Iran will be coming over, expecting us to loan them the lawnmower or a cup of enriched uranium.

    1. Negropolis

      Bastards, always asking for yellow cake, and then never bringing any over. Mmmm…yellow cake…

  4. MrFizzy

    The Iranians probably just put a few of their women on the bow of the ship and scared the pirates off.

    1. Pithaughn

      Iranian women joke #10: What's the difference between a bowling ball and an Iranian woman? If you had to you could eat the bowling ball.
      We had dozens of these back when the Iranian "students" took over the embassy, took some hostages and embarrassed Carter right out of office.

    1. dijetlo

      Libertarian pirates only attack the defenseless. It's called "The Bain rule of Enlightened Self Interest."

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Not sure why I deleted that. Glad the 7th Fleet is getting some R&R, though. Maybe the sailors can go see Cats!

  5. actor212

    You can't fool me! Those pirates where Iranian!

    How do I know this?

    What happened when the Iranian navy showed up. The captain said "I ran!"

  6. prommie

    Israel threatens to bomb Maersk, says if US won't take action, they reserve the right to do so.

    1. fuflans

      you see? this is what happens when you joke around about an outbreak of peace and understanding.

  7. SorosBot

    But those pirates were just being good capitalists! Why must we demonize the job creators like the pirates and Bain capital?

  8. MissTaken

    I was 'besieged by "several pirate boats"' once, too. But thankfully the pirate animatronics got shitfaced on rum and started singing "Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life For Me" so our boat was able to sail towards its destination of New Orleans Square safely.

    1. fuflans

      that ride thrilled the bejesus out of me when i was wee fuflans.

      now the johnny depp likeness thrills the bejesus out of me.

    2. Pithaughn

      I'm so old I can remember the pre-politically correct version of that most awesome of all rides.

  9. CapnRadio

    The U.S. and Iran know that there are some battles greater than our political squabbles between nation-states. Letting the pirates ship roughshod over our seas provides more material for future Pirates of the Caribbean sequels. And no one wants this.

    1. Negropolis

      Also, nothing brings nations together like profits. You start messing with sea-bound money, and that's what seems to get everyone mad.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    We'll probably be as grateful to Iran as France is to us, for saving their bacon in WWI and WWII.

  11. YasserArraFeck

    In Iran, "All hands on deck!!" signals the end of the trial for a band of thieves….

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Didn't something like this happen once (or was it twice) in a place called the Gulf of Tonkin? That worked out well. ♫Turner Joy, To The World♪

    1. Barbikovovich

      Y'know, it was the sixties, man. And it was great. Sit-ins, teach-ins, love-ins, tonk-ins,…

  13. SayItWithWookies

    We should give the Iranians something as a sign of our gratitude — maybe John Yoo.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      You'll ketch hell for that, schooner or later. The real question is, how will this affect the Dhow?

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        No one has time for that junk. Most folks think I have a refined sense of tack.

  14. MosesInvests

    I sense a job opportunity for Levi Johnston here, what with his million bucks worth of boats and guns….

  15. owhatever

    We have now outsourced protecting American ships to the Iranians, with Bain Capital taking only a 48 percent upfront commission and eliminating the pension plan.

  16. Blueb4sunrise

    The Internet is a wonderful thing.

    In August 2010, the U.S. government fined Maersk $3.1 million for violating its embargo on Iran and Sudan. According to U.S. authorities, Maersk Line illegally used ships registered in the U.S. to carry 4,714 shipments of commercial cargo to Sudan and Iran between January 2003 and October 2007. Maersk could have been fined more than 60 million dollars.[29]

    Following the U.S. blacklisting of Tidewater Middle East Co., a major Iranian port operator with suspected ties to the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC), Maersk suspended operations at several Iranian ports in June 2011 in order to comply with U.S. sanctions.[30] In July 2010, the advocacy group United Against Nuclear Iran originally highlighted Maersk's ties to Tidewater and called on Maersk to cease its business in Iran.

  17. OneYieldRegular

    This cannot possibly be true, because it violates the neat division of the world into easily digestible "good" and "bad" categories. Now if you'll pardon me, I have to go back to chewing on a mastodon bone.

  18. HistoriBarb

    Why do US ships have to be saved by the Iranian Navy? We obviously need to allocate another hundred billion dollars or so to enhance our warships – screw the Pentagon's "we don't need it" philosophy!

  19. Wadisay

    Maersk Texas “thanked the Iranian navy and sailed towards its destination safely,”


  20. Tundra Grifter

    Did you hear they are making a Pirates of the Caribbean Four?

    It's rated "Aarrrrrggghh."

  21. glamourdammerung

    While I do not think President Obama would squander an opportunity to take an act of simple decency and treat the Iranians as people which could defuse a lot of the current problems there (unlike Bush in the aftermath of 9/11), I am sure there are plenty of Republicans willing to sabotage things simply because defeating Obama is more important to them than aiding America.

  22. Steverino247

    Law of the Sea, post Titanic. You're supposed to help other ships that call for help, no matter what. You say thanks and sail on. You're not supposed to stop and have a party out there. Stopping merchant ships at sea is a big deal.

  23. shortsandpants

    The Iranians were just jealous that somebody else was going after their favorite hostages. That or U.S. policy sucks and we should probably get over the 70's and 80's, which was more or less us screwing with them a lot more than them screwing with us. But whatever! There was that hostage thing they pulled off when Reagan was in office, so at least we can get back at them over 30 years later, right? Speaking of years and years ago, when are we invading Japan and Germany?

  24. Wile E. Barbote

    and then hotfooted it the fuck out of there to pick up its payload of Burmese-baby-made lead-coated bisphenol A candy cigarettes.

    Do those come in a menthol?

  25. DahBoner

    Isn't it weird how our "buddies" over in Israel weren't in the neighborhood to respond.

    Guess we better give 'em another Trillion dollars to upgrade their gear…

Comments are closed.