IN THE NAVY  4:15 pm May 24, 2012

Iran’s Navy Saves American Ship From Pirates, We Are All Best Friends Now Hooray!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Sexy Pirate and Sexy Coral ReefThe Iranian Navy says it saved an American ship from pirates, all ‘Unhand that frigate, villeins! What ho, tea, chappie, lorries, Madge, the sun never sets on the British Empire,’ or something, whatever, arrrr. So now we can all be best friends forever! Yay Iran! Yay us!

An Iranian warship responded to a distress signal from the US-flagged Maersk Texas, a cargo ship of 150 metres (500 feet) and 14,000 tonnes, which was besieged by “several pirate boats,” the navy said in a statement reported by the official IRNA news agency.

The pirates “fled the scene as soon as they spotted the presence” of the warship. Maersk Texas “thanked the Iranian navy and sailed towards its destination safely,” it added.

So what the official IRNA news agency is saying is the Maersk Texas basically was as grateful as an American ever is when someone saves its ass, which is to say the captain probably gifted the Iranian Navy with a cold dead stare, sneered ‘Yeah. Thanks,” in its best Jorge Boosh, and then hotfooted it the fuck out of there to pick up its payload of Burmese-baby-made lead-coated bisphenol A candy cigarettes.

Anyway it’s not like they should have been too grateful.

The US navy patrolling the area have on a number of occasions rescued Iranian ships. The latest incident was in January when a US warship secured the release of 13 Iranian fishermen near the entrance to the Gulf who had been held captive by pirates for 45 days.

Look at us all just cold gettin’ along! Do we smell a Wonkette Geopoliticker coming on? [AFP]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 106 comments }

chascates May 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

If those 2 are the pirates I don't want to be saved!

Barb May 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

They are just begging for you to plunder their booty.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I'd rather explore their chests for treasure.

Mumbly_Libel May 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

They can walk my plank any time.

Actually wait that sounds painful.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Yea.

Delicious, innit?

Wadisay May 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I would settle for having my timber shivered.

extreme_left May 24, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I can understand being pissed at Iran, if somebody cock blocked me from either one, chairs would be flying.

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 12:56 am

And probe their poop decks.

littlebigdaddy May 24, 2012 at 4:18 pm

How do you do a pirate accent in Farsi?

YasserArraFeck May 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

"AyatollAARRRR!!"

HateMachine May 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Sorry, I just know the Arabic, "inshallahrrrrrrrr"

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Less spitting.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Allahu Akbaahrrrrrrrr!

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I KEEL YOU!

MosesInvests May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Maaaaarg baaaaaar Amerikaaaaaaar!

Mumbletypeg May 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

"O Far and Farrrr to Zanzibarrrrrrrsi
I went to sea in an open carrrrrrsi…"

(yeesh, and probably drowned thereafter. Amateuaarrrr pirates!)

CountryClubJihadi May 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Shiver Me Timburkha, Dirka Dirka

doloras May 24, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Like this: آققققققققققققققق

rickmaci May 24, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I don't speak Fahrrrrrrrrsi.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 24, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Arghhhhlalalalalala

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 12:57 am

Ack bahhhhrrr!

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

GOP demands war with Iran for attacking the invisible hand of piracy.

Barb May 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

We should give them the Kardasian sisters as a show of gratitude.

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I think giving them to the pirates is a great idea.

fuflans May 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

the pirates wouldn't survive.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

BONUS!

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 12:59 am

How do the Persians feel about Armenians, anyway?

Callyson May 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Mitten's reaction:

"Obviously, this shows aggressive intent on the part of the Iranians. Let the bombing begin!"

hagajim May 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Yar, if that busty lass was the pirate the captain is probably really pissed!

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

No no! I'm not really in any danger! Really! I think I can handle them both!

MosesInvests May 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

No, no, it's too much peril.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Look! I'm fine!

Generation[redacted] May 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Please, can't I have just a little peril?

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Is AJ Burnett still pitching for the Pirates?

fuflans May 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

clearly we have to invade them now.

edgydrifter May 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

IOCWWTH: It Only Counts When We're The Heroes.

dijetlo May 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Damn Liebrul sea captains! He should have rammed the Iranian scow and held off the pirates with a fake self destruct command where he warns all shipping to stay eleventy billion nautical miles from his location because he's fixin' to blow his warp engines!!!
I thought these guys had to have a mess a schoolin' er sumfin?

Schmannnity May 24, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Now, Iran will be coming over, expecting us to loan them the lawnmower or a cup of enriched uranium.

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 1:01 am

Bastards, always asking for yellow cake, and then never bringing any over. Mmmm…yellow cake…

MrFizzy May 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

The Iranians probably just put a few of their women on the bow of the ship and scared the pirates off.

Pithaughn May 24, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Iranian women joke #10: What's the difference between a bowling ball and an Iranian woman? If you had to you could eat the bowling ball.
We had dozens of these back when the Iranian "students" took over the embassy, took some hostages and embarrassed Carter right out of office.

kingofmeh May 24, 2012 at 7:17 pm

mosot of the iranian ladies i know are hawt.

Trannysurprise May 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

What kind of shitty pirate gets run off by the Iranian Navy?

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Pittsburgh?

dijetlo May 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Libertarian pirates only attack the defenseless. It's called "The Bain rule of Enlightened Self Interest."

WhatTheHeck May 24, 2012 at 4:39 pm

The kind that have wooden legs and inflatable parrots on their shoulders.

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

They are in NYC (or at least the Today Show) for fleet week.

ChernobylSoup May 24, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Not sure why I deleted that. Glad the 7th Fleet is getting some R&R, though. Maybe the sailors can go see Cats!

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Closed.

Oh wait, unless you mean that house by the docks with the ladies…

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Obama failed again?

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

You can't fool me! Those pirates where Iranian!

How do I know this?

What happened when the Iranian navy showed up. The captain said "I ran!"

prommie May 24, 2012 at 4:45 pm

he never thought he'd meet a girl like her.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

So far, anyway.

weejee May 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

 

prommie May 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Israel threatens to bomb Maersk, says if US won't take action, they reserve the right to do so.

fuflans May 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

you see? this is what happens when you joke around about an outbreak of peace and understanding.

Wile E. Barbote May 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

If they bomb Maersk they should bomb Texas too, just to be safe.

SorosBot May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

But those pirates were just being good capitalists! Why must we demonize the job creators like the pirates and Bain capital?

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I was 'besieged by "several pirate boats"' once, too. But thankfully the pirate animatronics got shitfaced on rum and started singing "Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life For Me" so our boat was able to sail towards its destination of New Orleans Square safely.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Sea turtles, mate!

fuflans May 24, 2012 at 4:45 pm

that ride thrilled the bejesus out of me when i was wee fuflans.

now the johnny depp likeness thrills the bejesus out of me.

gullywompr May 24, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Likeness, or do you mean really, really likeness?

jqheywood May 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

It's always about the Ho's, innit?

Pithaughn May 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I'm so old I can remember the pre-politically correct version of that most awesome of all rides.

ManchuCandidate May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

It might be time for Somali pirates to reassess their business plan if they cause the Iranian Navy and US America Navy to work together.

CapnRadio May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

The U.S. and Iran know that there are some battles greater than our political squabbles between nation-states. Letting the pirates ship roughshod over our seas provides more material for future Pirates of the Caribbean sequels. And no one wants this.

jqheywood May 24, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Unless it is the Crimson Permanent Assurance, sailing the vast Accountancy….

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 1:14 am

Also, nothing brings nations together like profits. You start messing with sea-bound money, and that's what seems to get everyone mad.

smokefilledroommate May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"All hands onboard are safe and unharmed, and the vessel is proceeding on its voyage," [to bomb Iran] …and they thought it was a cargo ship–suckers!

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

We'll probably be as grateful to Iran as France is to us, for saving their bacon in WWI and WWII.

Generation[redacted] May 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

"You'd all be speaking Somali if it wasn't for us!"

YasserArraFeck May 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

In Iran, "All hands on deck!!" signals the end of the trial for a band of thieves….

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Didn't something like this happen once (or was it twice) in a place called the Gulf of Tonkin? That worked out well. ♫Turner Joy, To The World♪

Barbikovovich May 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Y'know, it was the sixties, man. And it was great. Sit-ins, teach-ins, love-ins, tonk-ins,…

SayItWithWookies May 24, 2012 at 4:30 pm

We should give the Iranians something as a sign of our gratitude — maybe John Yoo.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Bolton Libel!

Dashboard Buddha May 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

How man Iranians does it take to blow up a pirate? Ahhh, frigate.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm

You'll ketch hell for that, schooner or later. The real question is, how will this affect the Dhow?

Dashboard Buddha May 24, 2012 at 4:50 pm

No one has time for that junk. Most folks think I have a refined sense of tack.

jqheywood May 24, 2012 at 4:57 pm

What a jibe, ho.

littlebigdaddy May 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

What are yawl talking about?

Generation[redacted] May 24, 2012 at 4:32 pm

And the ship's cargo of MEK weapons were delivered safely.

imissopus May 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Hooray! Radioactive fissile material for all!

MosesInvests May 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I sense a job opportunity for Levi Johnston here, what with his million bucks worth of boats and guns….

owhatever May 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

We have now outsourced protecting American ships to the Iranians, with Bain Capital taking only a 48 percent upfront commission and eliminating the pension plan.

Blueb4sunrise May 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

The Internet is a wonderful thing.

In August 2010, the U.S. government fined Maersk $3.1 million for violating its embargo on Iran and Sudan. According to U.S. authorities, Maersk Line illegally used ships registered in the U.S. to carry 4,714 shipments of commercial cargo to Sudan and Iran between January 2003 and October 2007. Maersk could have been fined more than 60 million dollars.[29]

Following the U.S. blacklisting of Tidewater Middle East Co., a major Iranian port operator with suspected ties to the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC), Maersk suspended operations at several Iranian ports in June 2011 in order to comply with U.S. sanctions.[30] In July 2010, the advocacy group United Against Nuclear Iran originally highlighted Maersk's ties to Tidewater and called on Maersk to cease its business in Iran.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maersk

Doktor StrangeZoom May 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

"Yar, me hearties!"

WhatTheHeck May 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

John McCain is unhappy ’cause we can’t bomb Iran now.

OneYieldRegular May 24, 2012 at 4:45 pm

This cannot possibly be true, because it violates the neat division of the world into easily digestible "good" and "bad" categories. Now if you'll pardon me, I have to go back to chewing on a mastodon bone.

Nostrildamus May 24, 2012 at 5:18 pm

This comment has been deleted by the Iranian Supreme Council.

HistoriBarb May 24, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Why do US ships have to be saved by the Iranian Navy? We obviously need to allocate another hundred billion dollars or so to enhance our warships – screw the Pentagon's "we don't need it" philosophy!

Wadisay May 24, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Maersk Texas “thanked the Iranian navy and sailed towards its destination safely,”

Pyongyang

Tundra Grifter May 24, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Did you hear they are making a Pirates of the Caribbean Four?

It's rated "Aarrrrrggghh."

glamourdammerung May 24, 2012 at 6:07 pm

While I do not think President Obama would squander an opportunity to take an act of simple decency and treat the Iranians as people which could defuse a lot of the current problems there (unlike Bush in the aftermath of 9/11), I am sure there are plenty of Republicans willing to sabotage things simply because defeating Obama is more important to them than aiding America.

horsedreamer_1 May 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Obviously, those ladies weren't born asea, or they'd be barenaked.

Steverino247 May 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Law of the Sea, post Titanic. You're supposed to help other ships that call for help, no matter what. You say thanks and sail on. You're not supposed to stop and have a party out there. Stopping merchant ships at sea is a big deal.

shortsandpants May 24, 2012 at 8:13 pm

The Iranians were just jealous that somebody else was going after their favorite hostages. That or U.S. policy sucks and we should probably get over the 70's and 80's, which was more or less us screwing with them a lot more than them screwing with us. But whatever! There was that hostage thing they pulled off when Reagan was in office, so at least we can get back at them over 30 years later, right? Speaking of years and years ago, when are we invading Japan and Germany?

johnnyzhivago May 24, 2012 at 8:46 pm

This calls for a jaunty, salty tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcNLuH1XWfI

Wile E. Barbote May 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

and then hotfooted it the fuck out of there to pick up its payload of Burmese-baby-made lead-coated bisphenol A candy cigarettes.

Do those come in a menthol?

iburl May 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

America/Israel cannot let this stand.

not that Radio May 24, 2012 at 10:07 pm

"I am coming to you. You will explode."

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 12:52 am

Umm, what is it with Maersk and pirates?

ttommyunger May 25, 2012 at 6:31 am

This comment has been deleted by Johnny Depp.

BornInATrailer May 25, 2012 at 10:59 am

Naga, please. That ain't no coral reef.

DahBoner May 25, 2012 at 11:29 am

Isn't it weird how our "buddies" over in Israel weren't in the neighborhood to respond.

Guess we better give 'em another Trillion dollars to upgrade their gear…

deleted7977035 May 26, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Christ who knew the withdrawal would be so bad.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: