AWW SHOOT  2:45 pm May 24, 2012

Levi Johnston Broke After Squandering Playgirl Pay On Boats And Guns And Stuff

by Liz Colville

ooh baby

It’s been a fun few years, but now Levi Johnston, once and future sperm gifter extraordinaire, has joined every other 22-year-old in America and become broke and a tenant in his mother’s home. According to a report in US Weekly, Levi has already (“already”) squandered his $1 million winnings from being Mr. Playgirl Winter 2010 on guns, ATVs and other beacons of manhood. This has caused him to cease paying child support to Bristol Palin for Tripp, allegedly, but has not prevented him from naming his impending second child after a gun. But IS IT ANY WONDER a boy-man with not really that much money, in modern B-list terms, has lost it all years before he even becomes ineligible for his parents’ health insurance plan? One person, at least, is excited about this: HIS MOMMY.

Johnston “hasn’t paid child support in nearly two years,” according to some “insider” quoted by Us Weekly, and he has a deep fondness for “guns, boats and four-wheelers.” He is now at home with them in Alaska, and also recently broke with his Alaska-based rep, whose name is obviously Tank. Tank Jones. TANK IS OUT OF THE TANK! Sorry. Tank insists that things are fine between them. Tank says Levi is actually GREAT (which does not mean not broke!) “I wanted to work on other projects [ACTUAL PROJECTS],” said Tank. “This was a mutual decision,” he told Us.

Meanwhile…

oh my freaking god

LIFE’S A TRIPP STARRING THIS BEAUTIFUL CHILD WITH THE EYELASHES, TRIPP, PREMIERS ON LIFETIME ON JUNE 19 AT 10/9c!!!! [Us Weekly]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 221 comments }

LettucePrey May 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Levi is so broke, he goes to KFC to lick other peoples' fingers.

Levi is so broke, he's marrying his next babymama for the free rice.

Levi is so broke that when someone stepped on a cigarette, he yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"

Levi is so broke that when someone saw told him he'd lost a shoe, he replied, "No, I found one."

Levi is so broke that if someone rings his doorbell he has to yell, "Ding Dong!" out the window.

Levi is so broke, he has to jack off his dog to feed his cat.

Levi is so broke, when I asked what was for dinner, he put his foot on the table and said “corn.”

Levi is so broke, I kicked his skateboard out of the way, and he said "Stop moving the couch."

Levi is so broke, he calls paper plates "the good china."

Levi is so broke, he has to do drive-by shootings from the bus.

Skullfry Conte May 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Levi is so broke that all of the other broke motherfuckers orbit around him.

hagajim May 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Levi is so broke, he can't afford to pay attention.

skoalrebel May 24, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Get it straight, Wonkette! [spit!] This dude is just following my Zen strategery for WINNING. [spit!] He doesn't need to be tied down by some nasty bitch whose gonna take all his money. Fuck, no! [spit!] When you ain't got no money, then the bitch just cold has no reason to tie you down. [spit!] And I don't mean any sort of bondage thing by that, either. [spit!] Cuz THAT'S JUST GAY.

JudasPeckerwood May 24, 2012 at 2:50 pm

(sigh) He had such potential.

Preferred Customer May 24, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Yeah, like a boulder perched on top of a hill. You just don't know where or when that potential is going to be unleashed.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Or down which side. Sometimes boulders crash down on you and not the other guy

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Just ask Wile E. Coyote.

Preferred Customer May 24, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Wile E. Coyote is the only person with less of an understanding of microeconomics than Levi Johnston.

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 1:51 am

Potential what, though?

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 2:50 pm

A tool and his money are soon parted.

OldWhiteLies May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Hey, I like that band …

TOOL LIBEL!!!!

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I've seen the photos.

It's more like an implement.

Preferred Customer May 24, 2012 at 2:50 pm

You know, in that picture that really is a cute kid. And her son's adorable.

Wait, I thought we weren't supposed to talk about Palinspawn?

V572 Is this him? May 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm

As long as you don't suggest they're zurückgeblieben.

Preferred Customer May 25, 2012 at 9:29 am

Everything sounds friendlier in German.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm

You can't fool me. That's the Gerber baby perched on the Ivory Snow girl.

Mahousu May 24, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I thought Marilyn Chambers was blonde.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Pop_Socket May 24, 2012 at 3:15 pm

They're so cute it's almost hard to hate them.

miss_grundy May 24, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I'm surprised that she didn't have the kid audition for commercials. Oh wait, isn't that what the reality show will be????

ShiftyParadigm May 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

No child deserves parents like these.

Billmatic May 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Oh god, the Palinspawn is straight out of a Hitler fantasy.

Skullfry Conte May 24, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Wouldn't it be a hoot if the kid was the antichrist? 25 years from now, when they're sacrificing people at the New Temple in Jerusalem, ya'll are gonna think, holy shit…that Dashboard fella was right!

UW8316154 May 24, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Could Levi have sold the soul of his child to Satan for an acting career? Was Bristol the unwitting prey of a coven of witches, who carefully plied her with wine coolers to prepare her for Satan's hot lust?

Dashboard Buddha May 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

If that's the case, Levi sold him cheap.

glasspusher May 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I'm pretty sure I'd fuck about anything to _avoid_ drinking wine coolers, but I like your prose…

succalina May 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

My thoughts exactly. And neither of his parents have blond hair. Hmmmmm……

plinthic May 24, 2012 at 2:52 pm

He still has a career as a trivia question.

larrykat May 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Which would be: Who was the douchebag who wore his first suit ever to the Republican National Convention in 2008?

plinthic May 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Also, Which is the most famous dick ever to walk that stage? Other than Nixon, I mean.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:49 pm

All three of them do, if you ask me.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I went to that US Weekly website. There is no hope for America.

chascates May 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I hope the mag is sold overseas. Everyone in the Middle East should be reading it.

Gunner Asch May 24, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Children of the corn-tassel hair

valgal2342 May 24, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Ah, that is a cute little kid.

OldWhiteLies May 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I know, right?

Almost creepy cute.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Yeah, cute little bastard, huh?

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Meh.
I lived in the South for ten years of my only life.
You live there, you see kids who look like that every day, and by the dozen in every store ending in the word "Mart"; although they're usually a lot less cleaned up than little Oops is in the picture. "Cute" has a very short lifespan in that cohort.
I figure he's already going out in the backyard punching flowers.
By age 10 he'll be torturing neighborhood pets.
By age 14 his neck will be bigger than his head, the teachers will have to pass him so he can keep playing football, and from there on in, it'll be four years of date rape followed by four decades of wife beating.

valgal2342 May 25, 2012 at 9:20 am

Well, I see more of the country club type kids where I live, but I traveled the region for years in my work and saw a lot of overweight kids with terrible grammar and bad tempers. Ahhhh the future…..it's in their hands. LOL.

Nostrildamus May 24, 2012 at 2:53 pm

"… years before he even becomes ineligible for his parents’ health insurance plan?"

Meth dealers get health insurance?

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Yeah, it's called "emergency room."

coolhandnuke May 24, 2012 at 2:53 pm

After gracing the world with his Southern Exposure, I'm quite sure young, broke Levi can rest confident and proud in his mommy's basement knowing that homos across the globe are fapping to his pics.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Blond baby? Maybe Levi isn't the baby-daddy after all.

Oblios_Cap May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

He's an Aryan poster child. Who's running Stormfront these days?

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 3:11 pm

White kids are often towheads when little and then their hair darkens as they age. I wouldn't be surprised if Levi was a blonde cutie-pie as a toddler, too. But the eyes do scream 'Hitler Youth' so who knows?

smokefilledroommate May 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Nah, they bleach it for the show. Poor kid has to go through a double-process every month.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Plausible theory, but I don't agree.
Levi has too good (or bad) of a track record of impregnating every female he dates.

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Thank goodness we have Levi to keep the girls pregnant with the whitest babies ever known.

silvershoes May 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

People saying that white babies are now outnumbered by non-white babies just haven't given Levi enough time. Give it a year.

SayItWithWookies May 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Bristol, that kid looks adorable. Please make it learn to read.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Y'know, looking carefully at this photo, I have high hopes for Tripp.

Already, he looks squirmy at being around mom. Maybe he'll grow up with a sense of shame after all.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:23 pm

But then Bristle would have to learn to read first.

SayItWithWookies May 24, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I was gonna say "Please teach it to read" before I realized that no, that wasn't going to work.

Oblios_Cap May 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Johnston “hasn’t paid child support in nearly two years,” according to some “insider” quoted by Us Weekly, and he has a deep fondness for “guns, boats and four-wheelers.”

So- I imagine that Levi is planning on running for Congress as a Republican soon. All he has left to do is get caught with a rentboy and he's got all the prerequisites covered.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 2:58 pm

At his age, he'll probably be the rentboy.

Texan_Bulldog May 24, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I'm sure Snowbilly is vindictive enough to like the fact that Levi doesn't pay child support. This way she gets to keep the son away from Levi, talk shit about Levi to the son & basically ensure that the kid hates his father for the rest of his life. Yeah, she's vindictive enough…and then some.

YasserArraFeck May 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Joe Walsh libel!!!!!

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:34 pm

and then get re-elected

Barb May 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Bristol said she wants her baby raised free of ignorance and backwoods superstition. But you can't stop Mom from visiting.

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I want to make sure I set my alarm for 15 years from now to see how this one turns out. I can only hope better than his parents. You can say I'm a dreamer………..

Maman May 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm

It is a shame that a child with no hope of a future because of a lack of guidance is so adorable.

ManchuCandidate May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I'll bet Sarah Palin is playing "When the Levee Breaks" on her iPod and cackling but she shouldn't get too smug because Levi's financial failure is probably a precursor of what is going to happen to the house of Palin.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I hope you're right, but "when the levee breaks" is both too blah a song and too subtle a pun for silly sarah; I'm thinking more along the lines of some "USA fuck yeah!" country song.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

If the father of the bastard is called a "baby-daddy," does that make the mother the "sperm-spittoon"?

ManchuCandidate May 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Cum Dumpster

Pithaughn May 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

In my day we called them gush receptacles.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:06 pm

If she spit, she wouldn't be in this predicament.

Edith_Prickly May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

OK, who's the real father of that very blond and very cute child? There's no way can it be that deadbeat sperm donor. Or do wine coolers turn babies' hair white?

savethispatient May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I've never heard Bristol be described as a "BEAUTIFUL CHILD WITH THE EYELASHES" before on this blog…

fartknocker May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

What a douchebag. Him and Joe Walsh should exchange strategies.

Texan_Bulldog May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Nothing says redneck like putting your kid in Carhart overalls and a camo shirt. I guess OshKoshbGosh was too liberal for her.

smokefilledroommate May 24, 2012 at 3:10 pm

His shoes are tiny little Shitkickers.

SoBeach May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

…squandered his $1 million winnings from being Mr. Playgirl Winter 2010…

A million bucks? For nekkid pictures? Fuuuu….

I want some that action. Yeah I'm old, and yeah my junk isn't particularly noteworthy, but if Levi got a million I should get at least $100k. Just tell me how you want me to pose and remember, my better side is the left.

Andrew Drinker May 24, 2012 at 3:21 pm

He didn't even show his junk. You better make it $200k.

greenide1 May 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I guess Levi's just not a good enough grifter to hang out with Baby Mama #1 and her tribe…

SorosBot May 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Arggh that fake chin is scaring me make it go away!

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 3:08 pm

No can do. That thing is filled with so much plastic that it will be dug up by future archeologists studying the grifting tribes of Alaska.

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I know, right? It makes it look like snow illy was cheating on Todd with Jay Leno.

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

That kid is cute. I take back all the nasty things I said about his mother. Yeah, right, fuck that shit.

Cute kid. Hope he doesn't have a sad life.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Considering the DNA on both sides, I'd say that's a foregone conclusion.
the fact that his bottle has Mountain Dew instead of milk in it probably isn't helping, either.

Nostrildamus May 24, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I blame Obama.

chascates May 24, 2012 at 2:59 pm

So is Levi's knocked-up girlfriend moving in with his mom as well? And is his mom still on probation for her drug dealing? And what of his sweet sister, Mercede?

Their story is the story of America. Modern, sick, decaying America.

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:37 pm

hey…we're talking about REAL americans here…………you elitist.

Come here a minute May 24, 2012 at 2:59 pm

At least we know he didn't waste the money on condoms.

Barb May 24, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Maybe he can be a High School janitor and get his diploma from there while he is at it.

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:38 pm

he'll have to wrestle that honor form alaska only blah kid.

PubOption May 24, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Those are some crazy staring eyes.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Since he was rich for a couple weeks, I wonder if his mom let him have the master bedroom when he moved back into the double wide.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Yew kin have th' dry half th' bed, Levi….juss don' wake th' uncles when theyz ovah.

Fare la Volpe May 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Of course not. Levi happily asked to sleep in his sister's bed.

They already have each other's names tattooed on their bodies. At this point sharing a bed is the least incestuous thing they could do.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 5:20 pm

*SIGH*

I remember the first girl who let me in her holy cavern….and I thought about tattooing her name, as well. Then I realized, someone down the road might ask me about the 'too.

smashedinhat May 24, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Fine weapons don't depreciate and I'm sure Neilist would back me up on this.

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Where is old Neilist these days. I miss having him around.

UW8316154 May 24, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Me too, in a funny sort of way. Although I didn't like his "Eleanor" incarnation *at all*.

Wile E. Barbote May 24, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I'm just wondering what he bought. I own enough guns to fill two gun safes, and I'm only out about 20K, including the cost of the safes. Even if I picked up the five or six guns I'd still like to get and a larger safe I'd still only be out about 40K.

glasspusher May 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

What good are the weapons when there's been a shortage of ammo since Obama got elected?

OldWhiteLies May 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Nope. Not here …

Still looking for that Good News Hat Trick (TM)

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Before I get snarky, the fat bastard ought to pony up child support, I don't care how bitchy the mom is or what a skank Sarah is. You banged her, you bought her.

prommie May 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Whoring out Tripp pretty young, ain't they?

Fare la Volpe May 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

He's a Palin. This is downright late for them.

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:39 pm

it's called privitization….you communist.

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 2:00 am

Ain't nothing private about that baby. They'd be seeling his shitty diapers online if they thought that they could get away with it.

smokefilledroommate May 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Kenny fucking Powers!

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I keep thinking of the young football playing kid in the introduction of "Idiocracy"

rickmaci May 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm

That child is beautiful, will be raised by a pack of shameless snowbilly grifters, no doubt will grow up to be an extremely handsome man fully trained in running a con. We need to send Seal Team 6 in right now to rescue that kid so he can be raised by a family that does not believe swindling is a bona fide career choice.

__kth__ May 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

The Brad Pitt character from Thelma and Louise comes to mind.

CivicHoliday May 24, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Forget Seal Team 6, send in Madonna and Angelina in skin-tight ninja outfits! They'll have that baby out of there faster than you can say "under the table expedited illegal adoption". (Which isn't really that fast…)

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Why do the Alaskans name people after inanimate objects?? And this is coming from someone named after a musical instrument.

Texan_Bulldog May 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Ooooh…guessing game! I'm going to guess Clara (short for clarinet)?

arduinohacker May 24, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Viola?

Flute?

Oboe?

Please, please, let you not be Trombone!

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Tuba

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Oboe?? Really?

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:17 pm

What do you have against "Oboe"? My daughter plays the oboe!

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Funny name, Calliope.

No?

Squeezebox?

Triangle?

Theremin?

Skullfry Conte May 24, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I have always thought that glockenspiel was a lovely name.

SoBeach May 24, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Ocarina, right? You and my daughter have the same name.

Mumbly_Libel May 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Moog?

bikerlaureate May 24, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Dobro? Is that you?

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Sousa(n)phone?

bauserdotcom May 24, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Because all Alaskans hate each other too much to name their kid after another person.

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Ah, that does make sense.

gurukalehuru May 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Perhaps Harp? That would be a pretty name.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Sounds like what I emit just before I throw up.

"HARRRRRRRP…."

Mumbly_Libel May 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm
ColonelDoctor May 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Lyra?

MoeDeLawn May 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Theremin!

Fare la Volpe May 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Skin flute!

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Viola?
Calliope is a girl's name of Greek descent, but I think it's pronounced "Cally-ope", so not like the instrument.
Tympani?

James Michael Curley May 24, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I can't hear you!

SayItWithWookies May 24, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Washboard? Prepared Piano? Jews' Harp? Frippertronics?

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Frippertr–

I am unworthy!

SenileAgitation May 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Bassoon is a tough name, I bet the kids laughed. Still better than being an Alaskan. Tarp, get over here and leave Butterknife alone!

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I'm hoping for Banjo.

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Actually, Stratocaster would be an awesome name for a kid.

George Skullfry May 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Virginal?

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Sax-a-ma-phone?

Goonemeritus May 24, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Holy crap that’s a cute kid, “he makes little Debbie look like a bag of vomit.”

ttommyunger May 24, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Relax, Levi; there's always a lonely fatty out there with a good job.

Dildeaux May 24, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Levi refudiates child support.

Mittens Howell, III May 24, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I wish my name was Tank.

or

Barrel.
Nozzle.
Can.
Bunk.
Bong.

How come Alaskan douche-nobs have all the best names?

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Bale.
Eight-ball.
Lid.
Gram.
Kilo.

anniegetyerfun May 24, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Jib.
Camo.
Igloo.
Coors.
Frost.
Meth.

Now I wish I was having a boy instead.

OneYieldRegular May 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

"Bong" should be Alaska's official first name.

Wile E. Barbote May 24, 2012 at 8:37 pm

It's compensation for living in Alaska and being a douche-nob.

George Skullfry May 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

As I recall, "Tank" is built like one, so nick.

johnnymeatworth May 24, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Great, so now he's going to recruit Bristol to help him with one last big score so they can retire?

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Summer blockbuster movie!

niblick77 May 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

He better hurry up if he want to catch up with that guy who has 30 children……..

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Y'know, I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that, in less than eighteen months, he ran through a million.

OK, so let's say taxes took 35%…that's still $650,000. How many fucking guns and ATVs is that? All of them, Katie?

Says he bought a boat. I've heard they can be pretty costly (Bust Out Another Thousand) but seriously, how sick do you have to be to burn out $650 long in 18 months????

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I was thinking the same thing. But first, did he really get 1 mil for not showing everything? And fuck it. I could retire with 1 mil. Really. Just fuck it.

timbo71351 May 24, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Well, he's a dumb redneck. That's how he blew $650,000 in a few months. You know he was making it rain at the Wasilla titty bars.

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 3:25 pm

If I am gonna spend 650K on boobies I better be drown in a tsunami of tatas.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

An avalanche of aureolae

PuckStopsHere May 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm

ACE: So, what'd ya do with it?
GINGER: With what?
ACE: With the money.
GINGER: He needed some clothes.
ACE: (Sighs) Twenty-five thousand for clothes.
GINGER: He wanted a watch, too.
ACE: Twenty-five thousand for clothes and a watch.
twenty-five thousand for three suits? That doesn't make much sense.
ACE: (Seated across from GINGER at a booth) First of all, he's not gonna wear f- thousand-dollar suits. But let's say he did, which he won't. How you gonna get fitted for twenty-five suits in three days? I, um, I mean, how could you get fitted that fast? I can't get fitted that fast, and I pay twice as much.
GINGER: I bought him a watch too.
ACE: Yeah.
GINGER: Yeah.
ACE: But even if you bought him a watch, a really nice watch, one that he thought was nice – and he doesn't know what the fuck a good watch is – so, you go, five, ten, twelve grand?
GINGER: Yeah.
ACE: At the most, which is impossible for him.
(She glances to the table behind them.)
Plus, at the most, three suits, a thousand apiece. That still leaves what? Around ten thousand?
GINGER: (Staring down at her plate, trying to restrain herself) Would you knock it off, Sam?
ACE: I'm just tryin' to figure it out.
GINGER: There's nothin' to figure out. I'm home . . . we're workin' it out. (She lights a cigarette.)
ACE: Yeah, but I've been told that before, 'We're workin' it out.' You think that you're home . . . after what you just put me through with Amy, is a favor to me?
(She looks at ACE.)
(Pause) So, counting the watch, let's say another four thousand for expenses over the weekend . . . of which you must have had a good time. I know he did. That's for sure. I know that . . . fuckin' piece of shit had a good fuckin' time. On my money. You might as well have fucked him, which you probably did anyway.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Yea, but that was Vegas in the 70s, when money was worth a dollar.

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

drugs are expensive. But it is astonishing nonetheless. I could live off the interest on that money.

silvershoes May 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I think you're forgetting that everything is more expensive in Alaska, including meth.
I don't get why the Palins didn't have their lawyers on his ass going to court to compel him to pay. You can get a judgment and force him to sell some boats and guns to pay that shit.

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 2:04 am

It's not just after taxes, though; it's also after Tank. Tank knew what he was doing, Levi didn't.

Mittens Howell, III May 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Cute kid.

I hope lots of that Reality Teevee money goes into a Therapy Fund for when he's older.

Generation[redacted] May 24, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Damn, dude! How many shares of Facebook did you buy?

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:13 pm

If that picture tells us anything, Levi spent at least half of the million on hair product and Axe Body Spray.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Isn't Britney Spears single?

Skullfry Conte May 24, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Probably, but even she has some standards.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

For the life of me, I can't decide who is worse — Levi or Kevin Federline.

Dashboard Buddha May 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Both of them, Katie.

silvershoes May 24, 2012 at 6:57 pm

She's engaged to a guy who was also recently appointed co-conservator of her and her affairs. How romantic.

Andrew Drinker May 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm

With $1 million, I could have paid off the car, the mortgage, the credit cards, fully funded my 401(k) and Roth IRA, moved into a better place, funded my nephews' college tuition (though I think one of the two is too dim to go to college), and still have money left to quit my job and just sit around drinking Pilsner Urquell all day.

Fuck him. Idiot.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I'd have probably pissed it all away at the titty bar.

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

I'll take the money in lap dances, please.

anniegetyerfun May 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I would, too. I mean, I'd pay off the credit card, but I'd easily spend the rest on something much stupider.

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:43 pm

woner how much gummint payola he is collecting.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:19 pm

This reminds me of something; can't think what, though…
Hmmm…
Now, how does that go?
A something… and his something… are soon… something…

Larry McAwful May 24, 2012 at 5:09 pm

A dirtbag and his ATV are soon funded?

Joshua Norton May 24, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Well, there's always gay porn. He could probably pass himself off as a convincing power bottom. He could make tens of dollars easily.

UW8316154 May 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

To be fair, he DID model in Playgirl. How much gayer can you get?

miss_grundy May 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Perhaps he could get a job at Chippendales. He should go see Magic Mike and take notes.

anniegetyerfun May 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Gay for pay? My fave.

Pop_Socket May 24, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Are we still allowed to say "I'd hit that"?

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:44 pm

with a hammer?

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

DO NOT WANT!

cognachas4paws May 24, 2012 at 3:28 pm

That child is too cute to have Bristol and Levi as parents.

bauserdotcom May 24, 2012 at 3:29 pm

He spent the money on boats and guns? Obvious solution: Make a reality show called "LEVI JOHNSTON: ALASKAN PIRATE." He could even do a sweeps month crossover with "The Deadliest Catch."

AHOY, MATEYS! GIVE ME YOUR WOMEN AND YOUR STURGEON!

James Michael Curley May 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

If you want me sturgeon ya gonna have to roe.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Dang, if only I'd been descended from white trash, I could have been the offspring of two attractive sluts, but NO-O-O-OH!!
When *my* no-good Dad was 22, he wasn't modeling for a million bucks.
All that dumb-ass ever did was work during the day; go to school at night; stay married to my mother; support us kids; and make sure we were safe, fed, clothed, educated, and surrounded by family — and I didn't even inherit the blue eyes.
What a lame-o, huh?

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Awwww, your dad sounds lovely.

larrykat May 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Carhartts 'n camo. You'd know he was a Palin even if you didn't know.

Trannysurprise May 24, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I'm surprised the comments are even open for this one.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Well, no one has said the un-safe word yet…

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 2:07 am

Only the unnamed one is off limits.

Fare la Volpe May 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Sigh. I used to think Levi was so cute.

Fare can't stop loving the wrong man, and Palins can't stop whoring for grift.

World keeps on spinning.

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

if loving him is wrong, you don't wanna be…………………………oh please it is just plain WRONG.

starfanglednut May 24, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Pudgy, stupid and utterly without morals.

hagajim May 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Enjoy the pretty little boy now, he's just another tundra grifter in training.

deanbooth May 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Didn't Tripp used to model for vintage Valentines Day cards?

arduinohacker May 24, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I know: CowBell. Lovely name.

UW8316154 May 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Goddamn that is one adorable kid.

I've known children of totally effed up parents, who renounced drugs and irresponsibility and ignorance, saw their parents as role models of how NOT to act. I sincerely wish that for this one, too.

It is really hard to leave behind an exploitative, white-trash childhood. Wouldn't it be great if he was sent to a prep boarding school in Vermont for the next 15 years, and then on to Reed College?

spinozasgod May 24, 2012 at 6:48 pm

sadly ii will probably be a "faith based" publicaly funded charter school.

OneYieldRegular May 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So when does the photo spread in "Guns 'n' Ammo" come out?

crybabyboehner May 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Money spent on boats and guns is not "squandered."

__kth__ May 24, 2012 at 4:15 pm

What a waste; if only Bristol had followed her mother's example, her baby's dad could have been Derrick Rose.

owhatever May 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Aw well, there are lot of other girls to boink in Wasilla, especially now that he has proof that his sperm is cute. Thanks, Brisket.

M. Szyslak May 24, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Lotza middle aged men in big cities will accept him just the way he is, and he has yet to tryout crank whoring.

lochnessmonster May 24, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Too bad a kid that is soooo cute has to be saddled with parents like them!

Larry McAwful May 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Hell, give me a million dollars and I can squander it even faster. It'll probably be on scotch, argyle socks and My Little Pony products.

Jeri 2.0 May 24, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Well, if Bristle's new teevee venture doesn't work out she can always shill the kid on Toddlers in Tiaras. I think they take boys.

freddymcmurray May 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Hadn't read wiki recently: "Palin was born and raised in Wasilla, Alaska.[1][4] She was named "Bristol" after the Bristol Inn where her mother had been employed; Bristol, Connecticut, the headquarters city of ESPN, where her mother had hoped to work as a sportscaster; and the Bristol Bay region of Alaska, where her father grew up.[5][6]"

What?

horsedreamer_1 May 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I wish his once & future mother-in-law would win a "lottery" as well.

CivicHoliday May 24, 2012 at 6:37 pm

OH FINE. Liz, if you insist, I will adopt that poor gorgeous Aryan baby. God only knows what harm she's done to his little mind already…but I think he's still young enough to be de-programmed. I will teach you to read, little man! And give you big smushy hugs!

Beetagger May 24, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Baby food for this kid is just a pinch between the cheek and gums.

Wile E. Barbote May 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

It sounds like Levi is learning that buying the Newt Gingrich's Secrets of Money Management DVD with the "double your money or nothing back" guarantee wasn't such a good investment after all.

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 1:49 am

Liz, don't you ever shamelessly shill for this woman, again, okay?

BTW, someone needs to do a DNA test on that kid. Jis' sayin'.

Negropolis May 25, 2012 at 2:09 am

I see a future for Levi…and it's in Wasilla bathhouses with copious amounts of meth. The tundra is a cruel mistress.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm

The word you're looking for is "harsh".

ttommyunger May 25, 2012 at 6:19 am

Yup, stupid can sure look good…..amazing and scary.

Thedongsofwar May 25, 2012 at 9:19 am

A blonde little boy? The plot thickens1010101!!!!!!

DahBoner May 25, 2012 at 11:34 am

His second career as a Rentboy in Alaska ain't going so well.

Most clients want to pay in fish…

ibwilliamsi May 29, 2012 at 9:42 am

I'm not sure where Tripp got his chin. I don't see the resemblance in either of his parents.

hollyrocks209 May 29, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Gosh, Bristol! That baby looks so great with your new chin and your hair extensions!

Pop_Socket May 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Don't go Andrew Sullivan on us.

freddymcmurray May 26, 2012 at 10:11 pm

i guess i could accept any of the explanations, but all three? that sounds like a wiki entry $arah wrote herself.

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