aww shoot

Levi Johnston Broke After Squandering Playgirl Pay On Boats And Guns And Stuff

ooh baby

It’s been a fun few years, but now Levi Johnston, once and future sperm gifter extraordinaire, has joined every other 22-year-old in America and become broke and a tenant in his mother’s home. According to a report in US Weekly, Levi has already (“already”) squandered his $1 million winnings from being Mr. Playgirl Winter 2010 on guns, ATVs and other beacons of manhood. This has caused him to cease paying child support to Bristol Palin for Tripp, allegedly, but has not prevented him from naming his impending second child after a gun. But IS IT ANY WONDER a boy-man with not really that much money, in modern B-list terms, has lost it all years before he even becomes ineligible for his parents’ health insurance plan? One person, at least, is excited about this: HIS MOMMY.

Johnston “hasn’t paid child support in nearly two years,” according to some “insider” quoted by Us Weekly, and he has a deep fondness for “guns, boats and four-wheelers.” He is now at home with them in Alaska, and also recently broke with his Alaska-based rep, whose name is obviously Tank. Tank Jones. TANK IS OUT OF THE TANK! Sorry. Tank insists that things are fine between them. Tank says Levi is actually GREAT (which does not mean not broke!) “I wanted to work on other projects [ACTUAL PROJECTS],” said Tank. “This was a mutual decision,” he told Us.


oh my freaking god


About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville
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  1. LettucePrey

    Levi is so broke, he goes to KFC to lick other peoples' fingers.

    Levi is so broke, he's marrying his next babymama for the free rice.

    Levi is so broke that when someone stepped on a cigarette, he yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"

    Levi is so broke that when someone saw told him he'd lost a shoe, he replied, "No, I found one."

    Levi is so broke that if someone rings his doorbell he has to yell, "Ding Dong!" out the window.

    Levi is so broke, he has to jack off his dog to feed his cat.

    Levi is so broke, when I asked what was for dinner, he put his foot on the table and said “corn.”

    Levi is so broke, I kicked his skateboard out of the way, and he said "Stop moving the couch."

    Levi is so broke, he calls paper plates "the good china."

    Levi is so broke, he has to do drive-by shootings from the bus.

    1. Skullfry Conte

      Levi is so broke that all of the other broke motherfuckers orbit around him.

  2. skoalrebel

    Get it straight, Wonkette! [spit!] This dude is just following my Zen strategery for WINNING. [spit!] He doesn't need to be tied down by some nasty bitch whose gonna take all his money. Fuck, no! [spit!] When you ain't got no money, then the bitch just cold has no reason to tie you down. [spit!] And I don't mean any sort of bondage thing by that, either. [spit!] Cuz THAT'S JUST GAY.

    1. Preferred Customer

      Yeah, like a boulder perched on top of a hill. You just don't know where or when that potential is going to be unleashed.

          1. Preferred Customer

            Wile E. Coyote is the only person with less of an understanding of microeconomics than Levi Johnston.

  3. Preferred Customer

    You know, in that picture that really is a cute kid. And her son's adorable.

    Wait, I thought we weren't supposed to talk about Palinspawn?

      1. miss_grundy

        I'm surprised that she didn't have the kid audition for commercials. Oh wait, isn't that what the reality show will be????

    1. Skullfry Conte

      Wouldn't it be a hoot if the kid was the antichrist? 25 years from now, when they're sacrificing people at the New Temple in Jerusalem, ya'll are gonna think, holy shit…that Dashboard fella was right!

      1. UW8316154

        Could Levi have sold the soul of his child to Satan for an acting career? Was Bristol the unwitting prey of a coven of witches, who carefully plied her with wine coolers to prepare her for Satan's hot lust?

        1. glasspusher

          I'm pretty sure I'd fuck about anything to _avoid_ drinking wine coolers, but I like your prose…

    1. larrykat

      Which would be: Who was the douchebag who wore his first suit ever to the Republican National Convention in 2008?

      1. plinthic

        Also, Which is the most famous dick ever to walk that stage? Other than Nixon, I mean.

    1. chascates

      I hope the mag is sold overseas. Everyone in the Middle East should be reading it.

    1. tessiee

      I lived in the South for ten years of my only life.
      You live there, you see kids who look like that every day, and by the dozen in every store ending in the word "Mart"; although they're usually a lot less cleaned up than little Oops is in the picture. "Cute" has a very short lifespan in that cohort.
      I figure he's already going out in the backyard punching flowers.
      By age 10 he'll be torturing neighborhood pets.
      By age 14 his neck will be bigger than his head, the teachers will have to pass him so he can keep playing football, and from there on in, it'll be four years of date rape followed by four decades of wife beating.

      1. valgal2342

        Well, I see more of the country club type kids where I live, but I traveled the region for years in my work and saw a lot of overweight kids with terrible grammar and bad tempers. Ahhhh the future…'s in their hands. LOL.

  4. Nostrildamus

    "… years before he even becomes ineligible for his parents’ health insurance plan?"

    Meth dealers get health insurance?

  5. coolhandnuke

    After gracing the world with his Southern Exposure, I'm quite sure young, broke Levi can rest confident and proud in his mommy's basement knowing that homos across the globe are fapping to his pics.

    1. MissTaken

      White kids are often towheads when little and then their hair darkens as they age. I wouldn't be surprised if Levi was a blonde cutie-pie as a toddler, too. But the eyes do scream 'Hitler Youth' so who knows?

    2. tessiee

      Plausible theory, but I don't agree.
      Levi has too good (or bad) of a track record of impregnating every female he dates.

  6. MissTaken

    Thank goodness we have Levi to keep the girls pregnant with the whitest babies ever known.

    1. silvershoes

      People saying that white babies are now outnumbered by non-white babies just haven't given Levi enough time. Give it a year.

    1. actor212

      Y'know, looking carefully at this photo, I have high hopes for Tripp.

      Already, he looks squirmy at being around mom. Maybe he'll grow up with a sense of shame after all.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I was gonna say "Please teach it to read" before I realized that no, that wasn't going to work.

  7. Oblios_Cap

    Johnston “hasn’t paid child support in nearly two years,” according to some “insider” quoted by Us Weekly, and he has a deep fondness for “guns, boats and four-wheelers.”

    So- I imagine that Levi is planning on running for Congress as a Republican soon. All he has left to do is get caught with a rentboy and he's got all the prerequisites covered.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      I'm sure Snowbilly is vindictive enough to like the fact that Levi doesn't pay child support. This way she gets to keep the son away from Levi, talk shit about Levi to the son & basically ensure that the kid hates his father for the rest of his life. Yeah, she's vindictive enough…and then some.

  8. Barb

    Bristol said she wants her baby raised free of ignorance and backwoods superstition. But you can't stop Mom from visiting.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I want to make sure I set my alarm for 15 years from now to see how this one turns out. I can only hope better than his parents. You can say I'm a dreamer………..

  9. ManchuCandidate

    I'll bet Sarah Palin is playing "When the Levee Breaks" on her iPod and cackling but she shouldn't get too smug because Levi's financial failure is probably a precursor of what is going to happen to the house of Palin.

    1. tessiee

      I hope you're right, but "when the levee breaks" is both too blah a song and too subtle a pun for silly sarah; I'm thinking more along the lines of some "USA fuck yeah!" country song.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    If the father of the bastard is called a "baby-daddy," does that make the mother the "sperm-spittoon"?

  11. Edith_Prickly

    OK, who's the real father of that very blond and very cute child? There's no way can it be that deadbeat sperm donor. Or do wine coolers turn babies' hair white?

  12. savethispatient

    I've never heard Bristol be described as a "BEAUTIFUL CHILD WITH THE EYELASHES" before on this blog…

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Nothing says redneck like putting your kid in Carhart overalls and a camo shirt. I guess OshKoshbGosh was too liberal for her.

  14. SoBeach

    …squandered his $1 million winnings from being Mr. Playgirl Winter 2010…

    A million bucks? For nekkid pictures? Fuuuu….

    I want some that action. Yeah I'm old, and yeah my junk isn't particularly noteworthy, but if Levi got a million I should get at least $100k. Just tell me how you want me to pose and remember, my better side is the left.

  15. greenide1

    I guess Levi's just not a good enough grifter to hang out with Baby Mama #1 and her tribe…

    1. MissTaken

      No can do. That thing is filled with so much plastic that it will be dug up by future archeologists studying the grifting tribes of Alaska.

  16. Jus_Wonderin

    That kid is cute. I take back all the nasty things I said about his mother. Yeah, right, fuck that shit.

    Cute kid. Hope he doesn't have a sad life.

    1. tessiee

      Considering the DNA on both sides, I'd say that's a foregone conclusion.
      the fact that his bottle has Mountain Dew instead of milk in it probably isn't helping, either.

  17. chascates

    So is Levi's knocked-up girlfriend moving in with his mom as well? And is his mom still on probation for her drug dealing? And what of his sweet sister, Mercede?

    Their story is the story of America. Modern, sick, decaying America.

  18. Barb

    Maybe he can be a High School janitor and get his diploma from there while he is at it.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    Since he was rich for a couple weeks, I wonder if his mom let him have the master bedroom when he moved back into the double wide.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Of course not. Levi happily asked to sleep in his sister's bed.

      They already have each other's names tattooed on their bodies. At this point sharing a bed is the least incestuous thing they could do.

      1. actor212


        I remember the first girl who let me in her holy cavern….and I thought about tattooing her name, as well. Then I realized, someone down the road might ask me about the 'too.

      1. UW8316154

        Me too, in a funny sort of way. Although I didn't like his "Eleanor" incarnation *at all*.

    1. Wile E. Barbote

      I'm just wondering what he bought. I own enough guns to fill two gun safes, and I'm only out about 20K, including the cost of the safes. Even if I picked up the five or six guns I'd still like to get and a larger safe I'd still only be out about 40K.

    2. glasspusher

      What good are the weapons when there's been a shortage of ammo since Obama got elected?

  20. actor212

    Before I get snarky, the fat bastard ought to pony up child support, I don't care how bitchy the mom is or what a skank Sarah is. You banged her, you bought her.

      1. Negropolis

        Ain't nothing private about that baby. They'd be seeling his shitty diapers online if they thought that they could get away with it.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I keep thinking of the young football playing kid in the introduction of "Idiocracy"

  21. rickmaci

    That child is beautiful, will be raised by a pack of shameless snowbilly grifters, no doubt will grow up to be an extremely handsome man fully trained in running a con. We need to send Seal Team 6 in right now to rescue that kid so he can be raised by a family that does not believe swindling is a bona fide career choice.

    1. CivicHoliday

      Forget Seal Team 6, send in Madonna and Angelina in skin-tight ninja outfits! They'll have that baby out of there faster than you can say "under the table expedited illegal adoption". (Which isn't really that fast…)

  22. MissTaken

    Why do the Alaskans name people after inanimate objects?? And this is coming from someone named after a musical instrument.

    1. bauserdotcom

      Because all Alaskans hate each other too much to name their kid after another person.

    2. tessiee

      Calliope is a girl's name of Greek descent, but I think it's pronounced "Cally-ope", so not like the instrument.

    3. SenileAgitation

      Bassoon is a tough name, I bet the kids laughed. Still better than being an Alaskan. Tarp, get over here and leave Butterknife alone!

  23. Goonemeritus

    Holy crap that’s a cute kid, “he makes little Debbie look like a bag of vomit.”

  24. Mittens Howell, III

    I wish my name was Tank.



    How come Alaskan douche-nobs have all the best names?

      1. anniegetyerfun


        Now I wish I was having a boy instead.

  25. johnnymeatworth

    Great, so now he's going to recruit Bristol to help him with one last big score so they can retire?

  26. niblick77

    He better hurry up if he want to catch up with that guy who has 30 children……..

  27. actor212

    Y'know, I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that, in less than eighteen months, he ran through a million.

    OK, so let's say taxes took 35%…that's still $650,000. How many fucking guns and ATVs is that? All of them, Katie?

    Says he bought a boat. I've heard they can be pretty costly (Bust Out Another Thousand) but seriously, how sick do you have to be to burn out $650 long in 18 months????

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I was thinking the same thing. But first, did he really get 1 mil for not showing everything? And fuck it. I could retire with 1 mil. Really. Just fuck it.

      1. timbo71351

        Well, he's a dumb redneck. That's how he blew $650,000 in a few months. You know he was making it rain at the Wasilla titty bars.

    2. PuckStopsHere

      ACE: So, what'd ya do with it?
      GINGER: With what?
      ACE: With the money.
      GINGER: He needed some clothes.
      ACE: (Sighs) Twenty-five thousand for clothes.
      GINGER: He wanted a watch, too.
      ACE: Twenty-five thousand for clothes and a watch.
      twenty-five thousand for three suits? That doesn't make much sense.
      ACE: (Seated across from GINGER at a booth) First of all, he's not gonna wear f- thousand-dollar suits. But let's say he did, which he won't. How you gonna get fitted for twenty-five suits in three days? I, um, I mean, how could you get fitted that fast? I can't get fitted that fast, and I pay twice as much.
      GINGER: I bought him a watch too.
      ACE: Yeah.
      GINGER: Yeah.
      ACE: But even if you bought him a watch, a really nice watch, one that he thought was nice – and he doesn't know what the fuck a good watch is – so, you go, five, ten, twelve grand?
      GINGER: Yeah.
      ACE: At the most, which is impossible for him.
      (She glances to the table behind them.)
      Plus, at the most, three suits, a thousand apiece. That still leaves what? Around ten thousand?
      GINGER: (Staring down at her plate, trying to restrain herself) Would you knock it off, Sam?
      ACE: I'm just tryin' to figure it out.
      GINGER: There's nothin' to figure out. I'm home . . . we're workin' it out. (She lights a cigarette.)
      ACE: Yeah, but I've been told that before, 'We're workin' it out.' You think that you're home . . . after what you just put me through with Amy, is a favor to me?
      (She looks at ACE.)
      (Pause) So, counting the watch, let's say another four thousand for expenses over the weekend . . . of which you must have had a good time. I know he did. That's for sure. I know that . . . fuckin' piece of shit had a good fuckin' time. On my money. You might as well have fucked him, which you probably did anyway.

    3. silvershoes

      I think you're forgetting that everything is more expensive in Alaska, including meth.
      I don't get why the Palins didn't have their lawyers on his ass going to court to compel him to pay. You can get a judgment and force him to sell some boats and guns to pay that shit.

    4. Negropolis

      It's not just after taxes, though; it's also after Tank. Tank knew what he was doing, Levi didn't.

  28. Mittens Howell, III

    Cute kid.

    I hope lots of that Reality Teevee money goes into a Therapy Fund for when he's older.

  29. tessiee

    If that picture tells us anything, Levi spent at least half of the million on hair product and Axe Body Spray.

    1. silvershoes

      She's engaged to a guy who was also recently appointed co-conservator of her and her affairs. How romantic.

  30. Andrew Drinker

    With $1 million, I could have paid off the car, the mortgage, the credit cards, fully funded my 401(k) and Roth IRA, moved into a better place, funded my nephews' college tuition (though I think one of the two is too dim to go to college), and still have money left to quit my job and just sit around drinking Pilsner Urquell all day.

    Fuck him. Idiot.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I would, too. I mean, I'd pay off the credit card, but I'd easily spend the rest on something much stupider.

  31. tessiee

    This reminds me of something; can't think what, though…
    Now, how does that go?
    A something… and his something… are soon… something…

      1. miss_grundy

        Perhaps he could get a job at Chippendales. He should go see Magic Mike and take notes.

  32. bauserdotcom

    He spent the money on boats and guns? Obvious solution: Make a reality show called "LEVI JOHNSTON: ALASKAN PIRATE." He could even do a sweeps month crossover with "The Deadliest Catch."


  33. tessiee

    Dang, if only I'd been descended from white trash, I could have been the offspring of two attractive sluts, but NO-O-O-OH!!
    When *my* no-good Dad was 22, he wasn't modeling for a million bucks.
    All that dumb-ass ever did was work during the day; go to school at night; stay married to my mother; support us kids; and make sure we were safe, fed, clothed, educated, and surrounded by family — and I didn't even inherit the blue eyes.
    What a lame-o, huh?

  34. Fare la Volpe

    Sigh. I used to think Levi was so cute.

    Fare can't stop loving the wrong man, and Palins can't stop whoring for grift.

    World keeps on spinning.

    1. spinozasgod

      if loving him is wrong, you don't wanna be…………………………oh please it is just plain WRONG.

  35. UW8316154

    Goddamn that is one adorable kid.

    I've known children of totally effed up parents, who renounced drugs and irresponsibility and ignorance, saw their parents as role models of how NOT to act. I sincerely wish that for this one, too.

    It is really hard to leave behind an exploitative, white-trash childhood. Wouldn't it be great if he was sent to a prep boarding school in Vermont for the next 15 years, and then on to Reed College?

  36. __kth__

    What a waste; if only Bristol had followed her mother's example, her baby's dad could have been Derrick Rose.

  37. owhatever

    Aw well, there are lot of other girls to boink in Wasilla, especially now that he has proof that his sperm is cute. Thanks, Brisket.

  38. M. Szyslak

    Lotza middle aged men in big cities will accept him just the way he is, and he has yet to tryout crank whoring.

  39. lochnessmonster

    Too bad a kid that is soooo cute has to be saddled with parents like them!

  40. Larry McAwful

    Hell, give me a million dollars and I can squander it even faster. It'll probably be on scotch, argyle socks and My Little Pony products.

  41. Jeri 2.0

    Well, if Bristle's new teevee venture doesn't work out she can always shill the kid on Toddlers in Tiaras. I think they take boys.

  42. freddymcmurray

    Hadn't read wiki recently: "Palin was born and raised in Wasilla, Alaska.[1][4] She was named "Bristol" after the Bristol Inn where her mother had been employed; Bristol, Connecticut, the headquarters city of ESPN, where her mother had hoped to work as a sportscaster; and the Bristol Bay region of Alaska, where her father grew up.[5][6]"


  43. CivicHoliday

    OH FINE. Liz, if you insist, I will adopt that poor gorgeous Aryan baby. God only knows what harm she's done to his little mind already…but I think he's still young enough to be de-programmed. I will teach you to read, little man! And give you big smushy hugs!

  44. Negropolis

    Liz, don't you ever shamelessly shill for this woman, again, okay?

    BTW, someone needs to do a DNA test on that kid. Jis' sayin'.

  45. Negropolis

    I see a future for Levi…and it's in Wasilla bathhouses with copious amounts of meth. The tundra is a cruel mistress.

  46. DahBoner

    His second career as a Rentboy in Alaska ain't going so well.

    Most clients want to pay in fish…

  47. ibwilliamsi

    I'm not sure where Tripp got his chin. I don't see the resemblance in either of his parents.

  48. hollyrocks209

    Gosh, Bristol! That baby looks so great with your new chin and your hair extensions!

  49. freddymcmurray

    i guess i could accept any of the explanations, but all three? that sounds like a wiki entry $arah wrote herself.

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