getting creative

Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race

ghostie knows best

Breitbart hologram Mike Flynn has been feeling the warm breeze of change that causes the flag of America to gently billow across his cheek, and also has been sifting through the history books, poring over some of the most improbable scenarios that have ever befallen America, and has decided that because history repeats itself, as long as that history is conservative-leaning, President Obama is completely going to drop out of the race the way Lyndon B. Johnson did in 1968, so weakened was LBJ by Senator McCarthy’s presidential efforts (which turned out so well)! It’s going to happen! Whoever takes Obama’s place, it does not matter, because the ensuing madness and weakness will ultimately portray Mitt Romney as a supreme being, much the way a fly looks supreme when standing next to a flea. This is a great theory. Flynn would just like to add another thing: Senator Eugene McCarthy was “a serious candidate running on an increasingly popular anti-war message.” Yes.

Here’s Flynn’s remarkable insight into the future:

In 1968, the political world was shocked when President Lyndon Johnson, running for reelection just four years after a landslide victory, was held beneath 50% of the vote in the Democrat primary in New Hampshire. Sen. Eugene McCarthy scored a shocking 41.5% of the vote against the incumbent President. The result confirmed Johnson’s weakness going into the November general election. Within weeks, Sen. Robert Kennedy announced he would seek the Democrat nomination for President and Johnson announced that he would not. LBJ was bowing out of his reelection bid.

ONE CAN DREAM.

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Flynn goes on to describe the Obama campaign as “reeling” from his primary performances Arkansas and Kentucky. McCarthy, 1968′s “serious candidate,” provided some stiffer competition than Obama now faces in those states, and YET, let us be reminded that Obama was up against:

a guy in prison, an unknown lawyer, and, well, a ghost, essentially.

Ghost of AB?? Surely no. But in any case, this proves the president is a shithead.

I don’t think Obama will have the self-awareness of LBJ and drop out of the Presidential campaign. And, I certainly don’t believe the media will revisit their old contention that an incumbent president losing 40% of his own party’s vote is a sign of vulnerability. I expect they’ll sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t mean anything special.

Then Flynn gets SERIOUS WITH GRAMMAR.

But. It. Did. Happen.

Cool, continue to stomp your feet figuratively in WordPress, child! [Regrettably]

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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131 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "losing 40% of his own party’s vote is a sign of vulnerability."
    Is West Virginia still a state?

    1. WunkRocker

      Yeah, but it is the scorn of hipsters in East Virginia. They both laugh at South Virginia though.

    2. Terry

      Say what you will about West Virginia, but they at least had to good sense to break away from Virginia.

    1. memzilla

      Like Schrödinger's cat, I prefer to leave the question of Breitbart being dead — or alive — unanswered, depending on when we actually open the coffin box. And on whether or not the wooden stake is still in place.

  2. elburritodeluxe

    By that measure Mittens should be stepping aside for Dr. Congressman Ron Paul any minute now!

  3. LettucePrey

    Breitbart's Ghost also sort of convinced me that maybe Obama's SAT scores were around average in 1981, which might be maybe less than Bush's SAT score. Maybe. So this new prediction is absolutely on point, too, maybe!

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Like old Aldo Nova said once, "Life is just a fantasy, can you live this fantasy life?"

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Please and no thank you. Had that song trapped in my head only last week (while driving a truck w/ broken radio — don't ask me how I summoned up the tune to begin with. Self-loathing overindulgence, methinks~)

    1. Limeylizzie

      When did they start saying that? it's weirdly genius, because it drives us up the wall.

  5. V572 Is this him?

    I agree w/all of it except the assertion that McCarthy ran a serious race. Actually he was hilarious.

    Well, I don't agree w/the part about LBJ being self-aware.

    Actually it's all bullshit and I don't agree with any of it. And my vague recollections are more valid than any so-called "history" because I was there, you Youngs, intensely interested in the outcome because of the draft card in my pocket.

    1. actor212

      The staggeringly astounding bit of 1968 was that McCarthy, the party's third string candidate, still nearly beat Richard Nixon.

      1. V572 Is this him?

        You mean Hubert H Humphrey, the Happy Warrior, who was the actual nominee. The old system could still deliver Demo votes in those days.

          1. V572 Is this him?

            My apologies. Sometimes I forget this is the Internet. Did you know that 54.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

          2. actor212

            I'd heard that, but couldn't be bothered to verify it, so I'll endorse your posting as accurate.

            Ironically, it was Humphrey's campaign that I, a bright-eyed schoolboy of some precious ten years, first worked for. Went to the campaign HQ, was given a whole stack of pins, pamphlets and bumper stickers and set up a table outside the local high school to hand out literature.

          3. V572 Is this him?

            HHH was a good guy. We should be so lucky as to have a senator or candidate like him today. But he was, if such a thing is possible, less telegenic than Nixon. People were just beginning to figure that stuff out. The old, bombastic I'm-pleased-as-punch-to-be-here speaking style that worked so well on convention halls looked foolish on teevee.

          4. jqheywood

            Read "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72". HST's dissection of HHH is brutal.

          5. V572 Is this him?

            Oh, I did read it. I’d still take Humphrey over any Democrat today. He actually got stuff done.

          6. finallyhappy

            Wow, me too but I was 15. There was a really cute college guy there so my friend and I volunteered at the HHH headquarters.

    2. prommie

      Who knows man, a heart attack can suddenly make someone feel their mortality and start thinking about a reckoning. Not Dick Cheney, but most people.

    3. Wile E. Quixote

      Actually it's all bullshit and I don't agree with any of it. And my vague recollections are more valid than any so-called "history" because I was there, you Youngs, intensely interested in the outcome because of the draft card in my pocket.

      That was a draft card in your pocket? And here I was thinking that you were glad to see us.

  6. actor212

    Flynn goes on to describe the Obama campaign as “reeling” from his primary performances Arkansas and Kentucky.

    Reeling from the what now?

    Imma just leave this here:

    Obama lost both states to Republican John McCain in 2008, Arkansas by 20 percentage points and Kentucky by 16 percentage points.

    So two states that Obama got clobbered in four years ago should, um, suddenly embrace him warmly?

  7. Beowoof

    Mittens a supreme being? Well maybe he would be supreme if we are talking robots. However, I am sure the Japanese are working on a superior model.

  8. MissTaken

    OMIGOD you guys!1 Obama is SO gonna drop out like that guy who got presdent when that other presideent, u know, they one that banged marily MONROe got shot by the CIA!!11 THIS IS REALY HAPPENNING! ZOMG, I red it on teh INTERNNETT so it trooo!

  9. SorosBot

    Arkansas and Kentucky disliking the black guy doesn't mean anything for the non-backwards-and-inbred parts of the country.

    1. sewollef

      Ow.

      I felt that, and I'm originally from England. Them Kentuckians are gonna get you for that.

      Arkansasans[?] are all knuckle-draggers, I don't care about them — I constantly fly over their state.

  10. Doktor StrangeZoom

    The parallels are uncanny. In 1968, we were mired in an unpopular unwinnable war that was the source of enormous divisions between generations, while in 2012, we are mired in an unpopular, unwinnable war that…uh…we're planning to mostly get out of in 2 years. Oh, but hey, at least we can point to the urban crisis, what with cities going up in flame due to rioting…uh… well, not so much. Well, at least there is the parallel that Obama is hated by a substantial part of his own party, and opposed by two charismatic primary candidates due to his his divisive support of the war in Vietn… um.

    God, it's just uncanny.

    Wait! Wait! I found a parallel! The current Ford Mustang, Chevy Camaro, and Dodge Challeger ALL take their styling cues largely from their 1968 predecessors!

    It's Mitxon in a landslide, then.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "The current Ford Mustang, Chevy Camaro, and Dodge Challeger ALL take their styling cues largely from their 1968 predecessors! "

      I really like this analogy, so even though I'm a car geek I'm not going to piss all over it by pointing out that the Dodge Challenger didn't come out till the 1970 model year.

      Oh fuck, did I say that out loud?

          1. sewollef

            …. or Maserati/Chrysler Corporation; or even Ferrari/Chrysler Corporation since Fiat and the heirs to the Agnelli* empire owns them all.

            Agnelli was however, a huge supporter of Mussolini and was removed from his leadership role at the head of Fiat by the Italian Committee of National Liberation after WWII.

            They weaseled their way back in though during the 1960's.

          2. V572 Is this him?

            Plus Lancia and Alfa Romeo. Here’s hoping our domestic dealers get some interesting cars to sell.

      1. Barbikovovich

        AHA! I knew you would slip eventually, StrangeZoom (if that is your real name). You killed Lady Tumblebottom!

        1. Doktor StrangeZoom

          Of course it's my real name. Only a bully or a ne'er-do-well would post to the Fluorosphere with an assumed name.

  11. prommie

    Well, most people when they want to pound one out contrive some sort of fantasy scenario, mine tend to involve Salma Hayek and Shakira at the same time, but I don't go to the trouble of writing the scenario down, like this guy did, I sorta ad lib it as I work, you know?

    1. actor212

      Well, see, Prommie, some people make their money creating those scenarios for other people to fap to.

      On the right, this is the service of Big Government.

    2. Jus_Wonderin

      The "fun" is drained from the excercise if one has to contend with stenography. Though, that gives me an idea. I will be right back.

    3. Stevola

      Salma and Shakira at the same time… Why haven't I thought of that before? Thanks, Prommie!

      Um, I have to go do something now

  12. valthemus

    Breitbart-O-Vision is like beer goggles, it only lets conservatives see what they want to see. The ultimate set of polarizing lenses.

  13. OldWhiteLies

    OOOHHH.

    It makes me all tingly scared when. people. put. periods. between. each. word.

  14. hagajim

    If Obama is a seriously weakened candidate, WTF is Romney? I mean this guys could barely get past Shelly and the frothy ass mix man.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I wanted to point out how Flynn himself is self-aggrandizing or milking the fearmongering crowd i.e. inflating his own importance, like the fly in Liz's analogy that appears to dwarf any fleas next to it. Even with Flynn's name sharing the first three letters of that insect's, I myself lost grasp of my own point by the time I posted.

  15. chicken_thief

    Whenever I want to make some serious connection to history, I always glean data from West fucking Virginia and butthole of the US Arkansas. 'Cause, you know, those two states are so representative of the rest of the nation.

  16. WunkRocker

    I just pulled a long hair out of my ear. It had a better grasp on history than the minions of Andy Butthurt.

    1. prommie

      Ever have one sproing out like 3/4th of an inch in days? You just know it wasn't there last time you looked, and now here is this fucking monstrous thing. Anyone know how that happens?

  17. littlebigdaddy

    Well, if it's 1968 at least there will be great music and lots of hippie chicks to bang!

  18. Generation[redacted]

    Guy In Prison / Unknown Lawyer 2012!

    Come on guys, it's time we all got behind the eventual nominee.

  19. WhatTheHeck

    “feeling the warm breeze of change …”

    Speaking nonsense is akin to “peeing into the wind.”

  20. Baconzgood

    .But. Bobby. Kennedy. Was. A. Contender. Who. Will. Run. On. The. Dem.Ocr.Ati.C. Ticket. Against. Obama. ?.

    1. doloras

      And – most importantly – who will split the vote and win Democrat states in a third-party bid like George Wallace did?

  21. Generation[redacted]

    I knew it was over when I heard the crowds chanting…

    Hey, hey LBJ!
    How many kids did you get health care for because insurance companies can't deny coverage for pre-existing conditions today?

  22. RedneckMuslin

    Mr Flynn, I regret to inform you that Mr Obama pretty much has the Democrat nomination for 2012 locked up. Or haven't you been reading the papers?

  23. Jus_Wonderin

    There is this thing that people have to understand about fleas. They really don't stand anywhere for more than a nanosecond.

  24. Goonemeritus

    If President Obama were popular in West Virginia and Kentucky it would cause me to reevaluate my support for him.

    1. sewollef

      It'd make me suspect I'd find Obama near a poplar tree.

      You know… the one that has strange fruit….

  25. coolhandnuke

    Mike Flynn looks exactly like the type of guy Dexter loves having strapped to his table.

  26. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Well, shit. Maybe Flynn's just hoping that some wingnuts will see this as the cue to carry out a few assassinations, which were another popular feature of 1968.

    1. doloras

      This is the 50th anniversary of the Beatles' first single. I'd be amazed if Paul and Ringo didn't get out there and try to milk it, with Yoko hanging around like a bad smell.

  27. SayItWithWookies

    Not only is President Obama not gonna run, right before he resigns in disgrace he'll let everybody know the secret information about the Vince Foster murder, how Kennedy rigged the 1960 election, and the real super-secret reason Jimmy Carter gave away the Panama Canal (free coke for life!). The Democratic Party will cease to exist, and a new era of integrity and tax cuts and wars that plan and pay for themselves will be ushered in on the backs of the Republicans.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      And finally we will learn about the secret Dixie Chicks Hit Squad that knocked off Breitbart in exchange for winning a grammy award despite the fact that they got almost no airplay in West Virginia and Kentucky.

    2. Stevola

      Sounded perfectly reasonable until you said "Democratic Party." Everybody knows it's the Democrat party.

  28. Callyson

    So, Obama should be worried that some primary voters in a state he did not win four years ago did not vote for him, but Mittens should not worry abut the fact that turnout for the Reeps' primaries was low in numerous states.

    It makes sense if you're a Repub…

  29. chicken_thief

    Mike Flynn be knowin some shit 'bout '68, folks. No joke. Him and Warren and Alcindor and Shackleford was 29-1, waxing Houston's ass in the NCAA Finals.

    68. Write. it. down.

    Word.

  30. Slim_Pickins

    Then again maybe LBJ listened to his doctors when they told him, he would not survive another term.

  31. AlaskaGrrl

    this dweeb needs to understand the difference between history and wishful thinking.

    1. Slim_Pickins

      There is no difference to these conservatives because when you have epistemological closure, because everything is axiomatic.

  32. BlueStateLibel

    But there's more – not only will Obama drop out, but Mittens will be exposed as a robot used to portray the aliens in the movie "The Fourth Kind" – leaving guess who! only Joe Biden standing, who'll be our next POTUS. You. Heard. It. Here.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Wrong, because after it is revealed that Mittens is a robot Biden will be revealed as the shooter on the Grassy Knoll and will be gunned down by the Secret Service in a retroactive attempt to protect the life of President Kennedy. This of course will mean that the Double-Secret Probation Amendment to the Constitution, which was written by Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas will kick in and Sarah Palin will be our next POTUS, Chuck Norris will be the next VPOTUS and Ted Nugent will be the Secretary of Defense.

  33. ttommyunger

    Just wondering: how many delusional morons ARE there in this benighted Country?

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Well one less since Andrew Breitbart croaked. But Mike Flynn is working extra hard to make up for his loss.

  34. Andrew Drinker

    As much as I respect this young man trying to fill those shoes, ain't no one gonna fill those crazy, drunk-ass, angry-yet-cooky-yet-so-lovable shoes that Andrew Breitbart filled. His crazy was special.

  35. owhatever

    I hear the Obama has decided not to run for re-election, because he is the anti-Christ and has to have some free time for world destruction.

  36. DocChaos

    So the wingnuts are already bored with the "Romney landslide" meme they've been pushing for the last week and are moving onto the "Obama won't run" scenario. Next week we can expect "Obama will resign before the election" to be the latest prediction.

    By October they will be insisting that Romney can master time travel, and will take a trip back to 1961 and smother Obama in the cradle.

    By November 7 they will be claiming that Romney already is President, and the previous day's Obama victory was just a liberal media lie.

  37. BaldarTFlagass

    What, you got something against hairy bushes and armpits and legs? Just pretend you're in France or Italy or Greece!

  38. finallyhappy

    the 60's- we had better music, better war protests and better clothing(super wide striped bell bottoms, granny glasses, indian print full length skirts, no bras- but I didn't need one then anyway)

Comments are closed.