RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  11:00 am May 24, 2012

Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon

by Sulagna Misra

moonraker, dudes

Today, people are re-thinking same-sex marriage and moon bases, and selling off movie theaters. Wait, what? Is this the future? Where’s my jetpack?
  • Same-sex marriage opposition has dropped significantly since the President spoke in favor of it. Oh, so if the President jumped off a cliff, would you too? [Washington Post]
  • A Chinese company buys AMC Entertainment Holdings (the movie theatre chain), whose previous owners include Bain Capital (heyo, Romney!) and the Carlyle Group (whatup, Bush Senior!). [MSNBC]
  • Japan and Russia are thinking of building bases on the moon. Newt! Look! There’s still hope! [Tecca]
  • Republican policies are harshing on the military’s campaign to use more renewable energy. So what’s it going to be, Republicans: supporting the military or supporting fossil fuels? YOU MUST CHOOSE. [Grist]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 137 comments }

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 11:01 am

Will Newt be there to officiate on the moon?

YasserArraFeck May 24, 2012 at 11:18 am

No, but the Chinese may let him run an AMC franchise movie theater there.

iburl May 24, 2012 at 11:20 am

All the Milk Duds he can consume!!

Callyson May 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

I read that as "Will Newt be there to orifice on the moon?"

Time for more coffee, stat…

ManchuCandidate May 24, 2012 at 11:41 am

No heavy lift rocket is available to haul his fat incompetent ass to the moon.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Plus it would wreck up the moon's gravitational field.
That's science, you know.

Barb May 24, 2012 at 11:01 am

Newt is going to be the first person divorced on the moon. In keeping up with his need to marry younger and younger women he will be married to an ultrasound this time.

Clancy_Pants May 24, 2012 at 11:07 am

Is Holly Goodhead still in space? Still available?

Barb May 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

I'm not going to Google that. Who is Holly Goodhead?

Clancy_Pants May 24, 2012 at 11:11 am
actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:12 am

She was a sexy l'il Chiles….

Clancy_Pants May 24, 2012 at 11:16 am

Here's the soft porn 1979 action shot. So risque'!

Baconzgood May 24, 2012 at 11:10 am

In space no one can hear you leave your wife with cancer.

Barb May 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

That was a very good reply, Baconz. Thanks.

prommie May 24, 2012 at 11:20 am

You are so loving and respectful, I admire that.

radio-of-owls May 24, 2012 at 11:22 am

And prompt. Don't forget prompt.

Chichikovovich May 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

Ah! That's Newt's scheme – he's going to get married in space, so that right after the wedding he can speed away on a rocket moving close to the speed of light. Then he'll get older while she remains the same age relative to his frame of reference.

radio-of-owls May 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

He's transformational that way.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:03 am

So, does this new Chinese ownership mean that we're going to start seeing squid eyeballs sold at the concession stand instead of popcorn.?

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

MMMM Squid eyes! You don't know what you're missing.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:12 am

Well, obviously, if I don't have squid eyes I can't see what I'm missing…

Biel_ze_Bubba May 24, 2012 at 11:10 am

Huge buckets of squid eyes. (Deep fried squid eyes, in certain markets.)

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 11:19 am

With butter, right?

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Well — movie theatre butter, if you call that butter.

Schmannnity May 24, 2012 at 11:13 am

I'll have two dogs (literally) on a bun and two Tsingtao beers.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:20 am

And slaw, tubs of slaw.

FlownOver May 24, 2012 at 12:50 pm

How about some Filipino Creamy comin' at you in shorts and quarts?

Lascauxcaveman May 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Reminds me of the old joke of ordering a chili dog in Mexico…

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 12:53 pm

BO — is that you?

Lascauxcaveman May 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

No squid eyeballs. Just tons more John Woo movies and Chow Yun Fat.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:16 am

Doesn't that Chow Yun Fat guy post here on occasion?

Tundra Grifter May 24, 2012 at 11:04 am

Funny how the GNoPee loves to listen to the US Military.

Unless the generals suggest they just don't need a weapons system built in that Member's district.

Or they point our reliance on foreign oil is a huge national security risk, and we need to find reliable alternative fuel sources.

Suddenly the officers aren't quite so smart.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:07 am

The defense industry figured this shit out a long time ago. They have subcontractors building weapons systems components in just about every single congressional district in the country. So there isn't a system out there that you can cut without stepping on someone's toes.

The push by the military to go with alternate energy systems is for real, not just bullshit eyewash; we've got a whole directorate here where I work (USAF) dedicated to sustainability.

BerkeleyBear May 24, 2012 at 11:25 am

Because, shockingly enough, generals and admirals get pissed off when they find out their play toys are running low on fuel.

(Well, and because most of them learned that WWII and every conflict thereafter was either about or had a lot to do with who had the more reliable fuel supplies).

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:34 am

Actually, World War I.

Lord Curzon of Britain: “The Allied cause floated to victory upon a wave of oil.”

Senator Bérenger of France: “Oil—the blood of the earth was the blood of victory…. Germany had boasted too much of its superiority in iron and coal, but it had not taken sufficient account of our superiority in oil."

BerkeleyBear May 24, 2012 at 11:53 am

Damn it, I should have known I wasn't going back far enough. Next you'll be telling me we should recast it as a transportation advantage issue and go back to the Punic Wars.

Callyson May 24, 2012 at 11:41 am

Well, according to Paul Ryan, the generals don't have the cojones to say what they really want:

"We don't think the generals are giving us their true advice," House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan said at an event in Washington. He blamed the cuts in President Obama's 2013 budget for compelling the Pentagon to create "a budget-driven strategy, not a strategy-driven budget."

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57406562-5

So they can't be serious about energy efficiency, for Pete's sake…

boobookitteh May 24, 2012 at 11:04 am

I still don't have a flying car.

I was promised a flying car. Future, I am disappoint.

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 11:06 am

Needs more "Thelma and Louise".

proudgrampa May 24, 2012 at 11:08 am

And where is my jetpack, also? Too.

boobookitteh May 24, 2012 at 11:25 am

In the trunk of my flying car, apparently.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Considering the carnage we manage with just two dimensions of travel, do you really want to risk a third? Give people flying cars or jetpacks and we'll all need to live in reinforced concrete bunkers just to fend off the falling debris.

ChapterUndVerse May 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

To say nothing of the Mile High Club becoming the Meter High Club, at rush hour.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:13 am

Only cuz you haven't bought one yet.

boobookitteh May 24, 2012 at 11:27 am

That is the Duck Boat of flying cars.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

I was thinking of something more along these lines:
http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/flyi

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I feel left out. No permission to view…

prommie May 24, 2012 at 11:21 am

I was promised free love. Remember? Doesn't anyone remember?

boobookitteh May 24, 2012 at 11:27 am

I remember.

Sigh.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:27 am

First herpes, then HIV took care of that.

I pity folks younger than me, who missed out on "Hello" as foreplay.

prommie May 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

The One-Two punch in 1980, that was what knocked out casual promiscuity. I just missed it, I just fucking missed it. Its not fucking fair, goddammit, its not fucking fair.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:34 pm

*screams at sky in pouring rainstorm*
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I'm still basking in the after-glow.

Baconzgood May 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

Chinese company buys AMC

YES!!!!!!!! MOAR JACKIE CHAN FILMZ!!!!

BerkeleyBear May 24, 2012 at 11:28 am

He just announced his retiring from "action" films. So I guess that means nothing but his stellar voice work on "Kung Fu Panda" from now on.

Oh well, we will always have Jackie's outtake reels to remember his insanity fondly.

Baconzgood May 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

I SAID: MOAR JACKIE CHAN FILMZ!!!!! Which of those words don't you understand?

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Hey, listen, if YOU want to argue with Jackie Chan, no one here is going to stop you.
*goes in search of dressiest black t-shirt to wear to baconz's funeral*

Baconzgood May 24, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I'll kick his ass! I saw the the original Karate Kid with Ralph Macchio three times!

shortsandpants May 24, 2012 at 11:07 am

We need to stop thinking about the moon and just let it do it's thing with raising the tides and such. Unless there is a plan to put a giant penis on it to proclaim our dominion over it— as encrusted to us by THE LORD.

OldWhiteLies May 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

So, in god we crust?

Vecchiojohn May 24, 2012 at 11:59 am

This moon is mine. God gave this moon to me.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Please make every effort to avoid posting any further sentences containing both the words "penis" and "encrusted".
Thank you in advance for your consideration and cooperation in this matter.

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 11:08 am

Will Newt be starring in the remake of http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072564/ "Space 1999"?

CapnFatback May 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

From the Post article:

Seventy-one percent of Americans have a friend, family member or acquaintance who is gay, according to the Post-ABC survey, compared with 63 percent in 2010 and 59 percent in 1998.

Let's do some internets fixin' here, doop de dee dee doo . . .

Seventy-one percent of Americans ARE AWARE THAT THEY have a friend, family member or acquaintance who is gay, according to the Post-ABC survey, compared with 63 percent in 2010 and 59 percent in 1998.

THAT's more like it.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

Oh no, you're wrong! The gay population is increasing as a result of the gay conspiracy to convert innocent straight children through the schools and the media. I know, because my Republican congressman told me at his last town hall meeting.

Fare la Volpe May 24, 2012 at 11:18 am

The Republicans only know because they read the newsletters on the bath house walls.

CapnFatback May 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

As an aside–and I blame end-of-term grading for my hyper-awareness–but you mean "compared to" not "compared with," Scott Clement and Sandhya Somashekhar, WaPo journalistas.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:09 am

Morning, Sluggo!

Gay married on Newt's moon?

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:10 am

Japan and Russia are thinking of building bases on the moon.

The moon has American flags all over it, so we can rightly say….wait for it!….All your base are belong to us!

Billmatic May 24, 2012 at 11:11 am

I wonder how many stories Newt's got tucked away about him having sex with a number of different space alien babes in zero gravity.

Maybe this is why he finds Calista attractive instead of horrifying.

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:15 am

Indeed, he probably designed the latex mask covering her scales.

Billmatic May 24, 2012 at 11:20 am

She probably eats diamonds because she's a silicon based life-form.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:28 am

Not to quibble, but diamonds are carbon. Being silicon-based, she would be more likely to crave zircon (zirconium silicate, ZrSiO4), which would make Newt's Tiffany's bills a lot less harsh.

Billmatic May 24, 2012 at 11:34 am

Come now, lets not get facts in the way of internet rumors!

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:37 pm

As fat as Newt is, the zero gravity part probably appeals to him more than the sex part.

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I'm thinking Callista might appreciate that even more.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 24, 2012 at 11:13 am

I think Newt's ideas of space travel were formed while watching Barbarella.

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:17 am

Or "Flesh Gordon."

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

A highly underrated little sex romp, much like "Alice In Wonderland: An X rated Musical Fantasy"

BaldarTFlagass May 24, 2012 at 11:42 am

Or "The First Nudie Musical." How can you not love Cindy Williams/Shirley Feeney in a Busby Berkely routine singing "Dancing Dildos"?

Beowoof May 24, 2012 at 12:25 pm

HMMMMMM, that would make the case for fapping affecting intellect.

Schmannnity May 24, 2012 at 11:16 am

If the military conserves fuel, maybe we can fight fewer wars over oil.

nounverb911 May 24, 2012 at 11:28 am

Don't be silly.

Beowoof May 24, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Don't worry, water, food and territory will allow wars to continue long into the future.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:39 pm

…Therefore, we'll have to find at least one other causus belli [sp?], so we can continue fighting the same number of wars?

CapnFatback May 24, 2012 at 11:18 am

I bet the Japanese establish their moon base first. After all, they already have the nautical expertise.

BerkeleyBear May 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

"That cartoon has the boom anime babes that make me think the wrong things."

Truest. Lyrics. Ever.

EatsBabyDingos May 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

Let's all go to the Lobby
Let's all go to the Lobby
Let's all go to the Lobby and

a: Get gay married on the Moon or
b: Give blow jobs to all the Chamber of Commerce.

Mahousu May 24, 2012 at 11:27 am

Who will be the first Congressional Republican brave enough to demand we invade the moon in order to secure the oil supplies needed for our fossil-fuel-bound troops?

Stupid libs will no doubt object that there's no oil on the moon, but they're always whining like that.

CapnFatback May 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

WE MUST CURB OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN GREEN CHEESE!

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 11:34 am

I bet the first response will be "There is no yellow cake there!" Well, of course, the Moon is made of green cheese.

Baconzgood May 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

Unrelated to this post

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! THERE'S A WASP IN MY OFFICE!!!!!!!!!!

actor212 May 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

Sure he's a WASP? He could be Catholic.

Check his collar. It should be tattooed on the back of his neck

FlownOver May 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Leicester. Call the Church Police!

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

It is really a government spy drone.

Mumbletypeg May 24, 2012 at 11:48 am
ThundercatHo May 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

Quick, get the blowtorch!

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Comic from awesome page The Oatmeal:
Bee in the house: "Oh, look, there's a bee in the house." [opens door, lets bee out]
Bee in the car: "AAAAAAHHHH! THERE'S A BEE IN THE CAR!! HOLY FUCKFARTS!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"

deanbooth May 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Back in the day when I was a teenage lad working at a fish hatchery in Arkansas, I got drunk with a geezer good old boy co-worker, Albert White (think Popeye in overalls). Way-drunk Albert saw a wasp in my apartment and told me that if you hold it by the wings, it can't sting you. I'll say to you, Bacon, what I said to Albert: Try it!!

Spoiler alert: Ouch!

[Another Albert story: Seeing as he couldn't read, he asked me what it said on his leather-tooled wallet: "Space Cadet."]

dijetlo May 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

Chinese moon bases?
We need to get cracking.
Step 1: Build a high tech launch facility (probably need to scale that one up a bit…)
Step 2: Assemble the idiots
Step 3: Offer them free lunar homesteads, whites only.
Step 4: Step back because they will probably knock the launch facilty over trying to get on it.
Step5: Spend the surplus Social Security and Medicare Ameros on under age Latina Hookers and blow.

Z Crudmonger May 24, 2012 at 11:49 am

I find this comment easy to masterbate to.

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

I am at the age where zero gravity, or ANY fractional percent of Earth's gravity would give a boost to this "beginning to saggy stuff" under my chin. I bet zero G would take 10 years off.

ThundercatHo May 24, 2012 at 11:59 am

I have saggy stuff under my chin, too. They are called breasts. If someone invented little antigravity thingies I would stick 'em on my ribcage and never wear a bra again.

Beowoof May 24, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Saggy stuff is appearing on my chin. It is depressing.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Depending on your preferences, you could arrange to have saggy stuff under your chin that comprises a nutsack.
I find that doing that takes my mind off gravity right quick.

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I'm at the age where if the saggy stuff under my chin were released from gravity I'd probably smother.

radio-of-owls May 24, 2012 at 11:35 am

Japan [is]…thinking of building bases on the moon. Newt! Look!

Oh for christ's sake, don't give them any new ideas. Remember what happened when somebody said, "Octopus! Japs! Look!"

Chichikovovich May 24, 2012 at 11:40 am

Zero-gravity tentacle porn! Can't miss.

radio-of-owls May 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

If you want to save your soul, look away now, for I'm going to put a mental image here that almost certainly qualifies as a Class A War Crime:

Newt Gingrich in a Hello Kitty Blue Sailor Dress.

DerrickWildcat May 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

If you're going down there, you're going to die!

Jus_Wonderin May 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

Sorry to over post but am I the only one that thinks our planetary population would be better off if we were enslaved by Aliens?

Of course my vision is that the Aliens would be gorgeous young speciems and hopefully bipedal.

Edit: Aw fuck my spelning!

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Are you saying that you, for one, welcome our gorgeous young alien overlords, and look forward to toiling in their… er-uh… sugar mines?

Fare la Volpe May 24, 2012 at 11:41 am

I think we should give all of our moon base building contracts to the Japanese. They have all those schoolgirl-piloted giant robots — construction's a breeze for them.

ManchuCandidate May 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

Good for Russia and Japan. Of course, I'll be waiting in my patched up Space 1999 Rudi Gernreich costume to join them.

Considering the financial situation for both of nations, I have a better shot of making out with an Orion Slave Girl. Makes you wonder that this world might have been better off going into massive debt by building moon bases and heavy lift rockets than subsidizing the incompetent avarice of 1%ers and their shit head minions (see TARP and Iraqinam War.)

weejee May 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

 

prommie May 24, 2012 at 11:54 am

I. WANT. FUNNY. CAT. PICTURE. LINKS. Fucking goddam, wonkette, don't you want to be as rich as "I can haz cheeseburger?" I have one word for you, Fucking cat pictures, Benjamin,

Nostrildamus May 24, 2012 at 1:46 pm

This doesn't work in my browser, but maybe yours?

prommie May 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

At least, since the moon is the topic, Spongmonkeys, you coulda done hella snark internet meme nostalgia by wrapping up this story with the Spongmonkeys. "We want the moon, we want it very much. . . ." Fucking catchy tune, mang.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:21 pm

"Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon"

YAY!!!
*dances around living room*
*calms down somewhat*
*starts packing*

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:32 pm

You know, when you go to pick a country to buy out your movie theaters, you're supposed to pick a frisky, aggressive country, not the one that's sleeping in the corner.

tessiee May 24, 2012 at 12:40 pm

You know, between the Chinese buying the movie theaters and us going to the moon to get gay married, I can't help but think this is all a plot by the chicken men of Krankor.
HA!
HA!
HA!

James Michael Curley May 24, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Sold AMC Entertainment to the Chinese?

Do they get Micaela Schaefer?

Geminisunmars May 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm

All I can think looking at that pix is "God, those shoes must be killing her."

James Michael Curley May 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Hah!; I think I’ve posted this picture three times and haven’t gotten to the shoes yet; Having loved Geometry in high school all I can think about is;

V = 4/3π³

Geminisunmars May 25, 2012 at 10:27 am

So is that enough volume for you?

James Michael Curley May 25, 2012 at 11:56 am

Mother always said, “If can’t hold it in one hand, you’ll probably lose it.”

didgen May 24, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I hope that a new period of space exploration begins. The entire world benefitted from it the last time, and it seemed to my admittedly naive (6 yr old) self that we didn't just assume that we were failures. Anything was possible. Now I listen to my daughter and son-in-law discuss that the moon landing was fake. Saying I was there doesn't seem to be a convincing argument. This while they use technology developed for the program every minute of the day.

MissTaken May 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

We're gonna need a bigger moon.

Nostrildamus May 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Governor Christie, line one!

BZ1 May 24, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Republican policies, oh I thought you said Republican police

DahBoner May 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

A Chinese company buys AMC Entertainment Holdings (the movie theatre chain), whose previous owners include Bain Capital (heyo, Romney!) and the Carlyle Group (whatup, Bush Senior!)

Republicans are Cancer Capitalism:

Their whole purpose is to stop Obama from getting re-elected by destroying American jobs and hurting middle-class working families by taking away their jobs.

And making a tidy profit for themselves.

Thank you fucking Republicans!!!

ttommyunger May 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

In space, no one can hear you fap.

owhatever May 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

The Creation Museum in Kentucky will have a special showing at its planetarium to prove that the godless Russians and Chinese can't go to the moon because it's ours.

GregComlish May 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

I propose a compromise.

The army is allowed to use hybrid vehicles in actual warfare, but for each gallon of gasoline saved, they have to purchase a gallon from KBR and just set it on fire. That way the military gets the operational advantages of reduced fuel requirements and the oil industry gets its pork. Everybody wins!

Baconzgood May 24, 2012 at 11:29 am

Barb's sweet. We cut our snark teeth on Wonkette about the same time. So we have bonded.

Barb May 24, 2012 at 11:39 am

Owls, I got way too prompt last night and announced to Twitter that the N.J. Devils beat the N.Y. Rangers to advance to the Stanley Cup final. They still have a couple more games to go, my bad.

Go Rangers!

sewollef May 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Well….. it could be argued that the Roman Army only functioned so well and was so disciplined, in part, because its generals realised a well-fed army is a 'happy' and successful army.

Hence they had a seemingly endless supply of Polenta to eat. Opposing armies mostly scavenged.

*A Roman Legion [over 5,000 men] consumed around 7,500 Kg of grain a day while on a campaign.

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