rumors on the internets

Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon

moonraker, dudes

Today, people are re-thinking same-sex marriage and moon bases, and selling off movie theaters. Wait, what? Is this the future? Where’s my jetpack?
  • Same-sex marriage opposition has dropped significantly since the President spoke in favor of it. Oh, so if the President jumped off a cliff, would you too? [Washington Post]
  • A Chinese company buys AMC Entertainment Holdings (the movie theatre chain), whose previous owners include Bain Capital (heyo, Romney!) and the Carlyle Group (whatup, Bush Senior!). [MSNBC]
  • Japan and Russia are thinking of building bases on the moon. Newt! Look! There’s still hope! [Tecca]
  • Republican policies are harshing on the military’s campaign to use more renewable energy. So what’s it going to be, Republicans: supporting the military or supporting fossil fuels? YOU MUST CHOOSE. [Grist]
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Hola wonkerados.

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    1. Callyson

      I read that as "Will Newt be there to orifice on the moon?"

      Time for more coffee, stat…

  1. Barb

    Newt is going to be the first person divorced on the moon. In keeping up with his need to marry younger and younger women he will be married to an ultrasound this time.

          1. Baconzgood

            Barb's sweet. We cut our snark teeth on Wonkette about the same time. So we have bonded.

          2. Barb

            Owls, I got way too prompt last night and announced to Twitter that the N.J. Devils beat the N.Y. Rangers to advance to the Stanley Cup final. They still have a couple more games to go, my bad.

            Go Rangers!

    1. Chichikovovich

      Ah! That's Newt's scheme – he's going to get married in space, so that right after the wedding he can speed away on a rocket moving close to the speed of light. Then he'll get older while she remains the same age relative to his frame of reference.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    So, does this new Chinese ownership mean that we're going to start seeing squid eyeballs sold at the concession stand instead of popcorn.?

  3. Tundra Grifter

    Funny how the GNoPee loves to listen to the US Military.

    Unless the generals suggest they just don't need a weapons system built in that Member's district.

    Or they point our reliance on foreign oil is a huge national security risk, and we need to find reliable alternative fuel sources.

    Suddenly the officers aren't quite so smart.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      The defense industry figured this shit out a long time ago. They have subcontractors building weapons systems components in just about every single congressional district in the country. So there isn't a system out there that you can cut without stepping on someone's toes.

      The push by the military to go with alternate energy systems is for real, not just bullshit eyewash; we've got a whole directorate here where I work (USAF) dedicated to sustainability.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Because, shockingly enough, generals and admirals get pissed off when they find out their play toys are running low on fuel.

        (Well, and because most of them learned that WWII and every conflict thereafter was either about or had a lot to do with who had the more reliable fuel supplies).

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Actually, World War I.

          Lord Curzon of Britain: “The Allied cause floated to victory upon a wave of oil.”

          Senator Bérenger of France: “Oil—the blood of the earth was the blood of victory…. Germany had boasted too much of its superiority in iron and coal, but it had not taken sufficient account of our superiority in oil."

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Damn it, I should have known I wasn't going back far enough. Next you'll be telling me we should recast it as a transportation advantage issue and go back to the Punic Wars.

          2. sewollef

            Well….. it could be argued that the Roman Army only functioned so well and was so disciplined, in part, because its generals realised a well-fed army is a 'happy' and successful army.

            Hence they had a seemingly endless supply of Polenta to eat. Opposing armies mostly scavenged.

            *A Roman Legion [over 5,000 men] consumed around 7,500 Kg of grain a day while on a campaign.

    2. Callyson

      Well, according to Paul Ryan, the generals don't have the cojones to say what they really want:

      "We don't think the generals are giving us their true advice," House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan said at an event in Washington. He blamed the cuts in President Obama's 2013 budget for compelling the Pentagon to create "a budget-driven strategy, not a strategy-driven budget."

      So they can't be serious about energy efficiency, for Pete's sake…

  4. boobookitteh

    I still don't have a flying car.

    I was promised a flying car. Future, I am disappoint.

      1. Doktor StrangeZoom

        Considering the carnage we manage with just two dimensions of travel, do you really want to risk a third? Give people flying cars or jetpacks and we'll all need to live in reinforced concrete bunkers just to fend off the falling debris.

        1. ChapterUndVerse

          To say nothing of the Mile High Club becoming the Meter High Club, at rush hour.

        1. prommie

          The One-Two punch in 1980, that was what knocked out casual promiscuity. I just missed it, I just fucking missed it. Its not fucking fair, goddammit, its not fucking fair.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      He just announced his retiring from "action" films. So I guess that means nothing but his stellar voice work on "Kung Fu Panda" from now on.

      Oh well, we will always have Jackie's outtake reels to remember his insanity fondly.

        1. tessiee

          Hey, listen, if YOU want to argue with Jackie Chan, no one here is going to stop you.
          *goes in search of dressiest black t-shirt to wear to baconz's funeral*

          1. Baconzgood

            I'll kick his ass! I saw the the original Karate Kid with Ralph Macchio three times!

  5. shortsandpants

    We need to stop thinking about the moon and just let it do it's thing with raising the tides and such. Unless there is a plan to put a giant penis on it to proclaim our dominion over it— as encrusted to us by THE LORD.

    1. tessiee

      Please make every effort to avoid posting any further sentences containing both the words "penis" and "encrusted".
      Thank you in advance for your consideration and cooperation in this matter.

  6. CapnFatback

    From the Post article:

    Seventy-one percent of Americans have a friend, family member or acquaintance who is gay, according to the Post-ABC survey, compared with 63 percent in 2010 and 59 percent in 1998.

    Let's do some internets fixin' here, doop de dee dee doo . . .

    Seventy-one percent of Americans ARE AWARE THAT THEY have a friend, family member or acquaintance who is gay, according to the Post-ABC survey, compared with 63 percent in 2010 and 59 percent in 1998.

    THAT's more like it.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Oh no, you're wrong! The gay population is increasing as a result of the gay conspiracy to convert innocent straight children through the schools and the media. I know, because my Republican congressman told me at his last town hall meeting.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        The Republicans only know because they read the newsletters on the bath house walls.

    2. CapnFatback

      As an aside–and I blame end-of-term grading for my hyper-awareness–but you mean "compared to" not "compared with," Scott Clement and Sandhya Somashekhar, WaPo journalistas.

  7. actor212

    Japan and Russia are thinking of building bases on the moon.

    The moon has American flags all over it, so we can rightly say….wait for it!….All your base are belong to us!

  8. Billmatic

    I wonder how many stories Newt's got tucked away about him having sex with a number of different space alien babes in zero gravity.

    Maybe this is why he finds Calista attractive instead of horrifying.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Not to quibble, but diamonds are carbon. Being silicon-based, she would be more likely to crave zircon (zirconium silicate, ZrSiO4), which would make Newt's Tiffany's bills a lot less harsh.

    1. tessiee

      As fat as Newt is, the zero gravity part probably appeals to him more than the sex part.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Or "The First Nudie Musical." How can you not love Cindy Williams/Shirley Feeney in a Busby Berkely routine singing "Dancing Dildos"?

    1. Beowoof

      Don't worry, water, food and territory will allow wars to continue long into the future.

    2. tessiee

      …Therefore, we'll have to find at least one other causus belli [sp?], so we can continue fighting the same number of wars?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      "That cartoon has the boom anime babes that make me think the wrong things."

      Truest. Lyrics. Ever.

  9. EatsBabyDingos

    Let's all go to the Lobby
    Let's all go to the Lobby
    Let's all go to the Lobby and

    a: Get gay married on the Moon or
    b: Give blow jobs to all the Chamber of Commerce.

  10. Mahousu

    Who will be the first Congressional Republican brave enough to demand we invade the moon in order to secure the oil supplies needed for our fossil-fuel-bound troops?

    Stupid libs will no doubt object that there's no oil on the moon, but they're always whining like that.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I bet the first response will be "There is no yellow cake there!" Well, of course, the Moon is made of green cheese.

  11. Baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post


    1. tessiee

      Comic from awesome page The Oatmeal:
      Bee in the house: "Oh, look, there's a bee in the house." [opens door, lets bee out]

    2. deanbooth

      Back in the day when I was a teenage lad working at a fish hatchery in Arkansas, I got drunk with a geezer good old boy co-worker, Albert White (think Popeye in overalls). Way-drunk Albert saw a wasp in my apartment and told me that if you hold it by the wings, it can't sting you. I'll say to you, Bacon, what I said to Albert: Try it!!

      Spoiler alert: Ouch!

      [Another Albert story: Seeing as he couldn't read, he asked me what it said on his leather-tooled wallet: "Space Cadet."]

  12. Jus_Wonderin

    I am at the age where zero gravity, or ANY fractional percent of Earth's gravity would give a boost to this "beginning to saggy stuff" under my chin. I bet zero G would take 10 years off.

    1. ThundercatHo

      I have saggy stuff under my chin, too. They are called breasts. If someone invented little antigravity thingies I would stick 'em on my ribcage and never wear a bra again.

    2. tessiee

      Depending on your preferences, you could arrange to have saggy stuff under your chin that comprises a nutsack.
      I find that doing that takes my mind off gravity right quick.

    3. Geminisunmars

      I'm at the age where if the saggy stuff under my chin were released from gravity I'd probably smother.

  13. radio-of-owls

    Japan [is]…thinking of building bases on the moon. Newt! Look!

    Oh for christ's sake, don't give them any new ideas. Remember what happened when somebody said, "Octopus! Japs! Look!"

  14. Jus_Wonderin

    Sorry to over post but am I the only one that thinks our planetary population would be better off if we were enslaved by Aliens?

    Of course my vision is that the Aliens would be gorgeous young speciems and hopefully bipedal.

    Edit: Aw fuck my spelning!

    1. tessiee

      Are you saying that you, for one, welcome our gorgeous young alien overlords, and look forward to toiling in their… er-uh… sugar mines?

  15. Fare la Volpe

    I think we should give all of our moon base building contracts to the Japanese. They have all those schoolgirl-piloted giant robots — construction's a breeze for them.

  16. ManchuCandidate

    Good for Russia and Japan. Of course, I'll be waiting in my patched up Space 1999 Rudi Gernreich costume to join them.

    Considering the financial situation for both of nations, I have a better shot of making out with an Orion Slave Girl. Makes you wonder that this world might have been better off going into massive debt by building moon bases and heavy lift rockets than subsidizing the incompetent avarice of 1%ers and their shit head minions (see TARP and Iraqinam War.)

  17. prommie

    I. WANT. FUNNY. CAT. PICTURE. LINKS. Fucking goddam, wonkette, don't you want to be as rich as "I can haz cheeseburger?" I have one word for you, Fucking cat pictures, Benjamin,

  18. prommie

    At least, since the moon is the topic, Spongmonkeys, you coulda done hella snark internet meme nostalgia by wrapping up this story with the Spongmonkeys. "We want the moon, we want it very much. . . ." Fucking catchy tune, mang.

  19. tessiee

    "Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon"

    *dances around living room*
    *calms down somewhat*
    *starts packing*

  20. tessiee

    You know, when you go to pick a country to buy out your movie theaters, you're supposed to pick a frisky, aggressive country, not the one that's sleeping in the corner.

  21. tessiee

    You know, between the Chinese buying the movie theaters and us going to the moon to get gay married, I can't help but think this is all a plot by the chicken men of Krankor.

    1. Geminisunmars

      All I can think looking at that pix is "God, those shoes must be killing her."

      1. James Michael Curley

        Hah!; I think I’ve posted this picture three times and haven’t gotten to the shoes yet; Having loved Geometry in high school all I can think about is;

        V = 4/3π³

          1. James Michael Curley

            Mother always said, “If can’t hold it in one hand, you’ll probably lose it.”

  22. didgen

    I hope that a new period of space exploration begins. The entire world benefitted from it the last time, and it seemed to my admittedly naive (6 yr old) self that we didn't just assume that we were failures. Anything was possible. Now I listen to my daughter and son-in-law discuss that the moon landing was fake. Saying I was there doesn't seem to be a convincing argument. This while they use technology developed for the program every minute of the day.

  23. DahBoner

    A Chinese company buys AMC Entertainment Holdings (the movie theatre chain), whose previous owners include Bain Capital (heyo, Romney!) and the Carlyle Group (whatup, Bush Senior!)

    Republicans are Cancer Capitalism:

    Their whole purpose is to stop Obama from getting re-elected by destroying American jobs and hurting middle-class working families by taking away their jobs.

    And making a tidy profit for themselves.

    Thank you fucking Republicans!!!

  24. owhatever

    The Creation Museum in Kentucky will have a special showing at its planetarium to prove that the godless Russians and Chinese can't go to the moon because it's ours.

  25. GregComlish

    I propose a compromise.

    The army is allowed to use hybrid vehicles in actual warfare, but for each gallon of gasoline saved, they have to purchase a gallon from KBR and just set it on fire. That way the military gets the operational advantages of reduced fuel requirements and the oil industry gets its pork. Everybody wins!

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