STERNLY WORDED LETTERS  5:05 pm May 23, 2012

Angry Old Coot Alan Simpson Lashes Out At ‘Wretched Group’ Of Fellow Old Coots

by Jim Newell

I SLEEP WITH BATSInsane old man and former Wyoming Sen. Alan Simpson, of Simpson-Bowles non-fame, hates Social Security and wants to destroy it but gets really angry when you suggest that he wants to do that, or, really, when you say anything to him. He ain’t got’n the patience for your politenesses and manner-likenesses, so shut the heck up already. Usually he yells, via letter, at lady interest groups or very well known economists specializing in Social Security whom he assumes are just some hobo punks. But now he’s yelling at his fellow old people, for hollerin’ at him recently, and of course his letter leaked because that always happens. And this letter is fantastic.

The best part is that Simpson’s letter was dated April 6 and the recipients only got it now, proving, as rumored, that Alan Simpson still uses the Pony Express:

To Whom It May Concern:

Erskine Bowles and I thoroughly enjoyed our time on the West Coast and received an excellent reception from folks — at least those who are using their heads and have given up using emotion, fear, guilt or racism to juice up their troops. Your little flyer entitled “Bowles! Simpson! Stop using the deficit as a phony excuse to gut our Social Security!” is one of the phoniest excuses for a “flyer” I have ever seen. You use the faces of young people, who are the ones who are going to get gutted while you continue to push out your blather and drivel. My suggestion to you — an honest one — read the damn report. The Moment of Truth — 67 pages, and then tell me if we’re not doing the right thing with Social Security. What a wretched group of seniors you must be to use the faces of the very people that we are trying to save, while the “greedy geezers” like you use them as a tool and a front for your nefarious bunch of crap. You must feel some sense of shame for shoveling out this bulls**t. Read the latest news from the Social Security Trustees. The Social Security System will not “hit the skids” in 2033 instead of 2036. If you can’t understand all of this you need a pane of glass in your naval so you can see out during the day! Read the report. Get back to me. My address is below.

If you don’t read the report, — as Ebenezer Scrooge said in the Christmas Carol, “Haunt me no longer!”

Best regards,

Alan Simpson

Alan Simpson, of course, knows exactly what the young people want. He knows all about the hippity-hoppers enema man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, for example.

What a great, clear-headed, completely not senile selection he was to chair the official committee charged with devising a long-term deficit reduction plan. First you shoot that con sarn hoopdy-doo deficit in the pecker, then ya cooks it, see.

[Politico]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 123 comments }

Barb May 23, 2012 at 5:08 pm

It's time for Mr Simpson to go read his bible and cram for his finals.

redarmyzombie May 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

I dunno Barb, methinks he needs his nap time first.

Jus_Wonderin May 23, 2012 at 5:19 pm

That's actually how I read it as in that "final nap".

Fairtackle May 23, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Maybe a shot of Metamucil too?

Barb May 23, 2012 at 5:21 pm

A nap and a nice fresh and dry Depends.
First person to reply to this has to change his stinky.

starfanglednut May 23, 2012 at 6:48 pm

In that case, there is no WAY I'll reply!

redarmyzombie May 23, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Whoops!

actor212 May 23, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Hell doesn't require an entrance exam. It's like a community college in that respect.

Jus_Wonderin May 23, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I bet it is rough for the postman to deliver those flaming acceptance letters.

Callyson May 23, 2012 at 6:49 pm

He can start by re – reading A Christmas Carol…

as Ebenezer Scrooge said in the Christmas Carol, “Haunt me no longer!”

…because I'm pretty sure that Scrooge was haunted until he had a change of heart, not until he idiotically yelled…

nounverb911 May 23, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Pony Express? I thought Simpson only used smoke signals.

Callyson May 23, 2012 at 6:50 pm

He can no longer blow those from his ass.

LionHeartSoyDog May 23, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Dust rings.

nounverb911 May 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Simpson doesn't care about Social Security, he's got his socialist government pension to live on.

Mumbly_Libel May 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Did Alan Simpson just threaten to gut your children?

Doktor StrangeZoom May 23, 2012 at 5:49 pm

And install glass in their naval [sic], [sic], [sic]

Mumbly_Libel May 23, 2012 at 5:57 pm

So, to summarize, he threatened to gut your children with a broken beer bottle? Man, is Alan Simpson ever a violent, senile, drunk.

Callyson May 23, 2012 at 6:50 pm

They brought it on themselves. If only they had stayed off his lawn…

Jus_Wonderin May 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Maybe he could chisel out his thoughts on one of his hardened arteries???

edgydrifter May 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Alan Simpson pees in his own damned corn flakes, thank you very much!

actor212 May 23, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Simpson is so old, he thinks Social Security is debtor's prison for life.

redarmyzombie May 23, 2012 at 5:12 pm

You know, I can't get it out of my head that he should have ended with:

"Release the hounds, Smithers."

johnnyzhivago May 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

What an anger bear….. Give him a cookie, fast!

Jus_Wonderin May 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

I bet in one frame you hand him a Snickers and in the next frame he turns out to be a 20 something hipster.

starfanglednut May 23, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Eeexxxxellent.

metamarcisf May 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

You know who else from Wyoming is a flaming asshole?

nounverb911 May 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Everyone?

johnnyzhivago May 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

All of them?

SexySmurf May 23, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Ennis Del Mar?

Boredw/Gravitas May 23, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Cheney? No, he's a flaming Dick.

elburritodeluxe May 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

I kinda love this letter. I wish he would send ones like it to the people who lobby to save Ag subsidies and wasteful defense projects. But those people buy Congressmen (and maybe formers) Russian hookers and other nice things and Must Not Be Offended.

Not_So_Much May 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

It would be fine with me if all politicians spoke this way. Let your Tourette's Flag fly!

HippieEsq May 23, 2012 at 7:21 pm

It's been renamed Rahm Emanual's disease.

johnnyzhivago May 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

By the way, he sure don't look like no stray….

ManchuCandidate May 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

"Get off my social security gutting perfectly manicured lawn!"

PuckStopsHere May 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

He tells them they have their heads up their asses (I presume, at least that that was what the reference to the pane of glass and the navel was all about) and then closes with "best regards?" What a gentleman. What a statesman!

LionHeartSoyDog May 23, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Thanks for the elucidation on the window pane.
That joke is too complex to be coming from a demented, senile person.

HippieEsq May 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I'll cut the guy some slack, because when I'm his age I will probabl spend all of my free time writing angry letters to people who even mildly bother me about topics far less important than Social Security solvency.

"Haunt me no longer!….you dumbass punk who gave me light cream cheese when I asked for regular. DIE SCUM".

anniegetyerfun May 23, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Isn't old age going to be great?

nounverb911 May 23, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Simpson needs to be set adrift on an ice floe.

Wonderthing May 23, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Gee whiz, Mr. Potter, you got a nice house. Can I live there? No? Fuck you Mr. Potter. Kiss my greedy geezer ass.

Fairtackle May 23, 2012 at 5:16 pm

His writing style is remarkably similar to and his arguments similarly convincing as my teabagger uncle's in AZ. NEEDS MORE CAPS though.

johnnyzhivago May 23, 2012 at 5:17 pm

You know that stained glass Navel Windows are like an entire category on Etsy….

Jus_Wonderin May 23, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I do think, as a country, we should be moving to high efficiency double paned Navel windows.

smokefilledroommate May 23, 2012 at 5:30 pm

What about naval windows? Does he mean portholes?

sullivanst May 23, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Alan Simpson doesn't get very angry. Alan Simpson is ANGRY ALL THE TIME… RRAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGHHH

Simpson SMASH

doloras May 23, 2012 at 9:01 pm

JOSS WHEDON LIBEL!

johnnyzhivago May 23, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Simpson-Bowles: Excellence in High Efficiency Shotcrete Pumps for Tin Smelters, Pig Iron Furnaces and General Industrial Applications Since 1911.

ShiftyParadigm May 23, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Somebody's been smokin' Dutch cleanser.

johnnyzhivago May 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Or at least putting the Burma-Shave on top of his Ice Creme Sundaes….

smokefilledroommate May 23, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Someone put some benzedrine in Mr. Simpson's Ovaltine.

mrpuma2u May 23, 2012 at 5:22 pm

AND IF YOUR BASEBALL LANDS IN MY YARD, I'M GONNA KEEP IT YOU PUNKS!!!

CapnFatback May 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

If you don’t read the report, — as Ebenezer Scrooge said in the Christmas Carol, “Haunt me no longer!”

Alan Simpson just positioned himself a pre-milk-of-human-kindness-imbibing Ebeneezer Scrooge.

That is some cold-hearted, misanthropic, fragment-of-underdone-potato shit right there.

LettucePrey May 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

"Dear Advertisers,

I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels."

Alan Simpson

nounverb911 May 23, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Jessica Simpson makes more sense than this idiot.

smokefilledroommate May 23, 2012 at 5:26 pm

…and a quote from Scrooge. How appropriate.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 23, 2012 at 5:27 pm

This guy has not had a satisfying bowel movement in 20 years. I know this because of his obsession with enema man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, for example. And also because he is full of shit.

HogeyeGrex May 23, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Dear Alan,

You are not doing the right thing with Social Security.

Ducksworthy May 23, 2012 at 5:30 pm

OK So here's the deal. Social Security is funded by nothing but IOU's. The IOU's are US Treasuries that we issued to pay back the money we took from the SSA trust fund to give tax breaks to billionaires. Social Security will go bust if we don't honor those debts. But honoring our debts might mean the billionaires have to pay taxes. The choice is clear. The US will not pay back what it owes the stupid seniors. They should have put their faith in the stock market. Maybe they can still buy Facebook stock.

starfanglednut May 23, 2012 at 6:54 pm

I did not know that. So W bankrupted SS?

Ducksworthy May 23, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Its only bankrupt if the Treasury won't redeem the securities. That's what Simpson is shooting for.

Jus_Wonderin May 23, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Geez, Alan. You need to get laid.

ManchuCandidate May 23, 2012 at 5:39 pm

If Simpson's got the green hardy then Tara Reid will party.
http://www.celebitchy.com/228935/tara_reid_is_dru

MissTaken May 23, 2012 at 5:45 pm

She's just auditioning for the role of Mrs Gingrich #4.

imissopus May 23, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Or thinks she's still in The Big Lebowski.

vtxmcrider May 23, 2012 at 7:34 pm

He and Larry Craig are both retired and living in Wyoming. They should go camping and Simpson should make Craig his little bitch up in the mountains.

mayor_quimby May 24, 2012 at 12:52 am

A lotta secret grunting' n humpin' goes on in shepherder tents.

MissTaken May 23, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Someone needs to change the rotting onion on his belt.

Mittens Howell, III May 23, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Release the hounds, Smithers.

SmutBoffin May 23, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I hope I live long enough to read Jim Newell hyperblog posts in the year 2050. By then, his affected "old coot tone" will have merged with his real old-cootiness and it will be great!

I will inhale deeply from my social security-provided bong full of medical marijuana and chuckle, then yell at my robot nurse to change the website on the internet-machine since the next hyperblog post is probably written by noted media analyst Tripp Palin IV or something.

Jus_Wonderin May 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm

In that future, do we have flying cars yet?

SmutBoffin May 23, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Fuck yes! And flying gas stations (you didn't really think that solar shit would work, did you?).

We also have flyingcarjackings by criminals with jet packs. And video games about flyingcarjacking, etc.

starfanglednut May 23, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Actually, after all he's been through, I can definitely imagine Tripp becoming a Wonketteer.

Suppressed rage and well founded cynicism can do that to a person.

rickmaci May 23, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Another Republicon douche who will piss on my shoes and wants me to believe him when he says it's rain.

CapnFatback May 23, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Even though Simpson's no fan of them, I always cheered for the Greedy Geezers to beat the Yogi Yahooeys and Really Rottens every Laff-A-lympics.

MissTaken May 23, 2012 at 5:34 pm

You use the faces of young people, who are the ones who are going to get gutted

A homeless man once told MissTaken that she was the Anti-Christ and she would know this when he strung her up and gutted her. That homeless man was Alan Simpson.

And now you know the rest of the story.

glamourdammerung May 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Why in the world is President Obama still paying any mind to what this insane old fool wants?

littlebigdaddy May 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Sorry, but I know Al and he is hilariously funny and considers himself a recovering Republican. We need more people like him!

pdiddycornchips May 23, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I remember people used to say the same thing about George W Bush and look how that turned out. I might like to have a beer with Mr. Simpson but he's in no way qualified to preach the gospel of fiscal responsibility. Any solution to the long term entitlement problem must begin with raising revenues from the rich and Corporate America. Until that happens, he's just another voracious tribal elder looking down on the great mass of humanity and telling them to get off his lawn.

barto May 23, 2012 at 5:38 pm

He's just a gunnin fer Joad Cressbeckler's job.

DahBoner May 23, 2012 at 5:40 pm

To Whom It May Concern:

We have way too many states, which we can no longer afford. Could you please eliminate a couple of them?

Best regards,

Alan Simpson

P.S. I am NOT a crackpot.

MissNancyPriss May 23, 2012 at 7:26 pm

That actually sounds like a perfect plan to me

Graham Cracker May 23, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Can't believe Simpson is still using the old fashioned Pony Express to send letters. Doesn't he know about the new fangled telegraph. It would have gotten there much faster!

MissTaken May 23, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Alan Simpson is so old…

How old is he?

He's sooooo old he remembers when Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg and Enema Man were just little turds leaving shitstains in their short pants.

SayItWithWookies May 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

as Ebenezer Scrooge said in the Christmas Carol, “Haunt me no longer!”

Someone doesn't remember the surprise ending to The Sixth Sense.

OneYieldRegular May 23, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Way to join the War on Women, Simpson. I mean, here you go and carelessly give Team Anti-Abortion the brilliant idea of installing panes of glass in pregnant women's navels so that development of God's precious little gifts can be monitored by the entire community.

Rotundo_ May 23, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Alan always was a warm and cuddly kind of guy, sort of a western swing version of the Waffen SS. Imagine Bob Wills playing near the crematorium…

Wile E. Quixote May 23, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Imagine Bob Wills playing near the crematorium…

You mean like this…

Late one night when the moon was bright über moonlit Dachau.
Das ist where I found mein kleines Aryan Frau
Das memory of the that night of Lieb, ist lingering yet.
Und I know I never will forget.

Mein kleines Aryan Madchen, Ich lieb her so.
Und though we're far apart.
I know I'll never be tradin' mein Lieb for her,
For some filthy Untermenschen's Heart
Someday I'll make a trip back to das Aryan Strip,
Und I'll carry her away with me.
Und straight as ein V-2 flies,
We'll ride to the Third Reich,
My sweet little chickadee,
Mein kleines Aryan Madchen und me.

proudgrampa May 23, 2012 at 5:49 pm

"You use the faces of young people, who are the ones who are going to get gutted while you continue to push out your blather and drivel."

I first read that as "…use the feces of young people…."

12X34X May 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

There's plenty of money for Social Security. But it's all going to the military industrial complex and other forms of jobs outsourcing corporate welfare. And Simpson has to know that.

Wile E. Quixote May 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Has anyone in the mainstream media asked why and how a man who never held any significant private sector jobs, spent thirty years in the House and Senate, receives an extraordinarily generous pension for doing same and comes from a state that is a net drain on the Federal Treasury has any business lecturing other people about how evil they are for wanting their Social Security checks?

sullivanst May 23, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Of course not. What, do you think their job is to inform people, or something? How charmingly naïve.

Wile E. Quixote May 23, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Sorry, I'm trying out these newfangled "rhetorical" questions. According to the kids these days they're all the rage, like MySpace and the Zune.

HistoriBarb May 23, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Friendster or GTFO!

sullivanst May 24, 2012 at 11:29 am

At least you didn't answer your own rhetorical question. That really pisses me off.

Naked_Bunny May 23, 2012 at 7:04 pm

receives an extraordinarily generous pension

That he got to vote on for himself.

Naked_Bunny May 23, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Hey, he worked hard for that pension. I mean, congress is in session, what, nine months out of the year? That's a lot of time! And you're only guaranteed to be employed for two years at a time, or six years in the Senate. How can a private citizen understand that sort of job uncertainty? Not to mention that you're expected to show up sometimes for votes, so you can't spend all your time traveling or "talking" to lobbyists in your office. It's rough!

Naked_Bunny May 23, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Hey, he worked hard for that pension. I mean, congress is in session, what, eight months out of the year? That's a lot of time! And you're only guaranteed to be employed for two years at a time, or six years in the Senate. How can a private citizen understand that sort of job uncertainty? Not to mention that you're expected to show up sometimes for votes, so you can't spend all your time traveling or "talking" to lobbyists in your office. It's rough!

MissNancyPriss May 23, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Yeah, that.

pdiddycornchips May 23, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Dear Mr. Simpson,

We appreciate your concern for the long term health of the Social Security Trust Fund. Here's an idea, when the trust fund runs out of money, why not go to the same place the banks went to in '08 when they ran into difficulties? Seems we were able to locate three trillion dollars to loan them within a matter of weeks. How does the trust fund pay us back you ask? Good question. Well, the best way to get that money back into federal coffers would be RAISE TAXES ON THE FUCKING PARASITIC RICH ASSHOLES WHO FUCKED THIS SHIT UP TO BEGIN WITH.

Sincerely,
America

fuflans May 23, 2012 at 5:53 pm

why can't we have a couple dems like this?

besides barney frank of course.

sullivanst May 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Because we hate people like this?

Barney Frank's not like Alan Simpson. Even Alan Grayson's not like Alan Simpson. Key difference? Frank and Grayson are mostly correct on the issues; I have never known Simpson to be right about anything. Also, Frank and Grayson are funny with their barbs; Simpson's just a fucking grumpy douchewad hellbent on making everyone else as miserable as he is.

Or, for the shorter version: DO NOT WANT!

Negropolis May 24, 2012 at 2:48 am

Ummm…WTF?

DaveJ May 23, 2012 at 6:07 pm

"If you can’t understand all of this you need a pane of glass in your naval so you can see out during the day!"

Well, he's cleverly outsmarting us young (under 80) folk by using old-timer code that must reference some sort of technology last employed in the 1700s.

starfanglednut May 23, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Yeah, I didn't get that part of the letter at all. Perhaps I'm just stupid.

MosesInvests May 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Like the avatar, o Earthpig born.

HistoriBarb May 23, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I don't know which of Simpson's grandchildren or great-grandchildren forgot to send a thank-you card but could he or she just send a freakin' thank-you note already?? Maybe then Grampa won't be so hateful towards the younguns.

Nopantsmcgee May 23, 2012 at 6:13 pm

If he wasn't who he is this would just be another crackpot, hilarious Letter to the Editor from Grampa.

Callyson May 23, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Your little flyer entitled “Bowles! Simpson! Stop using the deficit as a phony excuse to gut our Social Security!” is one of the phoniest excuses for a “flyer” I have ever seen.

He was expecting, what, Macbeth?

Nostrildamus May 23, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Who's going to lash out at cooters?

Naked_Bunny May 23, 2012 at 7:04 pm

So that's what it looks like when a Republican uses his head instead of emotion, fear, guilt, or racism, huh?

Designer_Rants May 23, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Fuck off, ya old cunt

Best regards,

Alan Simpson

RavenRant May 23, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Mr. Newell, I know you're not generally enamored with alt-text, but that is possibly the best alt-text EVAH!

Fred_Wertham_Jr May 23, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Doesn't Simpson-Bowles make postage meters and stuff like that?

BZ1 May 23, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Simpson at least seemed to have a clue. Sometimes.

anniegetyerfun May 23, 2012 at 10:41 pm

You use the faces of young people, who are the ones who are going to get gutted while you continue to push out your blather and drivel.

Methinks someone has been watching a FEW too many episodes of Game of Thrones.

LadyWisdom May 23, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Simpson's frets could be fixed for the next 75 years by removing the cap on FICA tax. Right now, work earnings that exceed $100k or so don't get taxed. Tax those earnings and we're good to go, including the cost of paying out higher benefits to those people. But Simpson's a Republican and taxing the working richer-than-average is forbidden. Therefore, the working-and-want-to-retire poor will be punished instead.

So let's review. Simpson wants to take money away from old people so he can avoid taxing people who make twice the national average for a family of four. And he's trying to scare the kids so they'll vote Republican and get rid of Social Security which is what Republicans always wanted in the first place.

Why doesn't he just say that? Why doesn't somebody?

Negropolis May 24, 2012 at 2:11 am

I love the balance of the Simpson-Bowles commission: conservative Republicans and conservative Democrats.

"Fairness" FTW!

notanncoulter May 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm

P.S.: Also… STAY OFFA MA LAWN!

HippieEsq May 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Here's to a life of angry letters and pharmaceutical cocktails….

ttommyunger May 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Alan, you should have gone for the wimmenz instead of the money and power. You'd still be old, but you wouldn't be so fucking brittle and bitter.

Carlodog May 24, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Hey Simpson, we've read the report and we wonder what's wrong with you and your committee. There's an obvious easy fix: lift the salary cap on Social Security! You're welcome.

starfanglednut May 23, 2012 at 8:36 pm

D'oh!

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