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I SLEEP WITH BATSInsane old man and former Wyoming Sen. Alan Simpson, of Simpson-Bowles non-fame, hates Social Security and wants to destroy it but gets really angry when you suggest that he wants to do that, or, really, when you say anything to him. He ain’t got’n the patience for your politenesses and manner-likenesses, so shut the heck up already. Usually he yells, via letter, at lady interest groups or very well known economists specializing in Social Security whom he assumes are just some hobo punks. But now he’s yelling at his fellow old people, for hollerin’ at him recently, and of course his letter leaked because that always happens. And this letter is fantastic.

The best part is that Simpson’s letter was dated April 6 and the recipients only got it now, proving, as rumored, that Alan Simpson still uses the Pony Express:

To Whom It May Concern:

Erskine Bowles and I thoroughly enjoyed our time on the West Coast and received an excellent reception from folks — at least those who are using their heads and have given up using emotion, fear, guilt or racism to juice up their troops. Your little flyer entitled “Bowles! Simpson! Stop using the deficit as a phony excuse to gut our Social Security!” is one of the phoniest excuses for a “flyer” I have ever seen. You use the faces of young people, who are the ones who are going to get gutted while you continue to push out your blather and drivel. My suggestion to you — an honest one — read the damn report. The Moment of Truth — 67 pages, and then tell me if we’re not doing the right thing with Social Security. What a wretched group of seniors you must be to use the faces of the very people that we are trying to save, while the “greedy geezers” like you use them as a tool and a front for your nefarious bunch of crap. You must feel some sense of shame for shoveling out this bulls**t. Read the latest news from the Social Security Trustees. The Social Security System will not “hit the skids” in 2033 instead of 2036. If you can’t understand all of this you need a pane of glass in your naval so you can see out during the day! Read the report. Get back to me. My address is below.

If you don’t read the report, — as Ebenezer Scrooge said in the Christmas Carol, “Haunt me no longer!”

Best regards,

Alan Simpson

Alan Simpson, of course, knows exactly what the young people want. He knows all about the hippity-hoppers enema man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, for example.


What a great, clear-headed, completely not senile selection he was to chair the official committee charged with devising a long-term deficit reduction plan. First you shoot that con sarn hoopdy-doo deficit in the pecker, then ya cooks it, see.


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