National Free Lunch expert Sarah Palin has apparently accepted an exciting spot as some food industry lecturer at this year’s “International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo,” sure. Complimentary donuts. But according to the hot speaker lineup spotted by Wonkette baked-goods operative “Banana_bread,” Sarah Palin lost out for the top-billed spot to alleged racist diabetes shill Paula Deen. Will this demotion be tolerated?

There she is, blazing trails:

Whatever. It just better not happen at this year’s Taco Supreme conference. [IDDBA]

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  • nounverb911

    Grifter Queen addresses Dairy Queen?

  • Come here a minute

    Rogue Trailblazing step one: eat (dairy-based) dessert first.

  • tbogg

    They should have booked Bristol, because I hear she gives up the milk for free.

    • nounverb911

      That and everything else.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Ugh. You've put me off milk forever. Or anything that comes from cows, for that matter.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Bristol Libel! You have to give her at least a four pack of Bartles and James first.

  • nounverb911

    The speakers are listed in order of how sweet their blood is.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    In fairness, cooking the heart of a rogue trailblazer is kind of tricky.

    • nounverb911

      Skullfry it.

    • actually, as the keynote, Paula will deep fry it in duck fat and slap it between 2 crispy cremes. because she's the devil

    • Skullfry Buddha

      Rouge Trailblazer

      7 cups rogue trailblazer diced
      1 pound lies
      4 cups self-aggrandizement, sifted
      4 cloves greed
      3 cups lunacy
      3 cups delusion
      1 dash Todd jizz

      Bake in oven at 350 for 30 minutes or until odor drives animals from the room.

      Serves no one.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        awesome, think I'll try this for Mother's Day…oh damn, missed it! btw, where can I get me one o' them adorable Bobble-head Buddha's for MY dashboard? (the Jesus is gettin' lonely! :)

    • You need to tenderize it with the cleated heel of a jackbooted thug first.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Honestly, I would think she'd give the "Exploiting Chaos" lecture. Its a better fit.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Good god, she's goin to be invoking all her diary business expertise is progressing a failin business with state monies with a hs bff realtor who put a childhood 'love of cows' as a qualifier for the six-figure job as head of the Department of Ag.

      Frannie's daddy actually said to the press, with no guile, that he wasn't asking for a handout, but that the State should be creating a market for the dairy farmers from Wasilla. No shit.

  • "The Heart of a Rogue Trailblazer"? Cuz milk is so edgy?

    • Callyson

      Milk is risky. Remember when Bob Dole said it causes cancer?

  • OneDollarJuana

    Interesting how the speaker following Lou Sarah will talk about "hyperniching". Seems like LS is already so good at it she's almost nano-niching.

    • sewollef

      It's the last speaker I'd be interested in.

      Jane Buckingham is definitely on the hawt side…. think I'm gonna LinkedIn to her.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Hyperniching"? Is that where you have a blog, and only one other person on the planet reads it? I think it would be cool if Palin got into this.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Needs more butter.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Which one will Anthony Bourdain want to murder first?

    • OneDollarJuana

      Paula's working on her own demise herself.

      BTW, I heard on the news today that she is dealing well with her diabetes diagnosis and has lost 3 LBS!

      • johnnymeatworth

        She cut off one of her feet?

        • nounverb911


        • bagofmice

          Your momma's so fat she got diabetes and had to have one of her feet amputated!

      • DrunkIrishman

        Bless her southern heart! She's getting there. By 2020, she'll be down a whole 10 pounds!

    • WunkRocker

      All of them KATYA!

    • Skullfry Buddha

      Yeah…but there are some things even he won't eat. (Hint: It's Sarah Palin)

  • noodlesalad

    She gave up governing America's largest state so that she could straight talk to America's largest people.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo"

    It is to laugh.

    • ID-D-BASE, if you please.

      • They had to rename it, because their former acroynm used to be D-A-BETUSS, which was how they managed to land Paula Deen in the first place actually.

      • Chichikovovich

        To get in they tell you to show your D-BASEd ID!!

        That cracks 'em up every year.

    • George Spelvin

      YAFT (yet another fucking tradeshow).

  • So now she's Chef Sarah? Where will she make her next appearance, Defcon because she used a computer once?

    • YasserArraFeck

      Cos she can roast a whole wolf (with a flame thrower, from a helicopter). Haute cuisine, snowbillie style.

    • sullivanst

      Maybe she can give some advice on how to bilk the state.

  • Barb

    If the only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is the lipstick, maybe hockey moms shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children!

    Yeah, like she goes anywhere near her children.

    • ThundercatHo

      I cannot get the fried chicken recipe to post. Maybe it's too long. Any suggestions?

  • mormos


  • metamarcisf

    As if she's actually going to show up…

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Oh she will, and she'll be sporting a tricked out cowbell. . .

  • Baconzgood

    I can see Danish from my house.

    • Chichikovovich

      Right next to Hungary. And if Paula Deen is there, lots of Greece.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Any Turkey?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.

      • "Be the ball."

        And if that ball is a little doughy nugget fused together with baker's sugar and yeast, Be the Doughnut-Hole.

        //…SEE WHAT YOU"VE DONE — I was gonna try to get outa this office 15 minutes early but NO — you had to go and tantalize me with memorable movie-quote nostalgicakes!!1!

  • SayItWithWookies

    The heart of a rogue trailblazer:

    1. Get husband to get you a moose hunting license.
    2. Get husband to shoot moose because that gun is awfully big.
    3. Get husband to skin moose because — gross.
    4. Tell everybody and their fuckin' dog what a badass moose hunter you are.

    • CivicHoliday

      5. Brag about family moose chili recipe
      6. Google "how to make moose chili"

      • SayItWithWookies

        7. Get husband to call all the neighbors and beg for moose because Greta's coming over and expects moose chili. Oh, and if they could cook it that would be great, too.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      Wooks, after all these years skulking 'round the Wonkette you're STILL my favorite!

  • Poindexter718

    In all fairness, it is a baking conference and Ms. Deen is, after all, a cook.
    Surely bespectacled colostomy bag Sarah Palin will be invited to give the keynote at the AMA's Proctology/Urology 2012.

  • YasserArraFeck

    I'd rather hear about Deen's butter stunts than listen to Palin, that utter cunt.

  • Jim Carroll came back from the dead for this?

    • WunkRocker

      Curse you MarionNYNYNYNYNY

      • Hey, it's dog eat dog. Ya gotta be quick.

  • WunkRocker

    Sad to see Jim Carroll shilling for Big Dairy. Especially after he and all his friends…died died…

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I guess it's too late for Sharon Tate.

    • tihond

      It's actually Leonardo DiCarprio working on his new film "The Blahsketball Diaries"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Remember the Doomsday Clock that featured on the cover of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists? I think that the minute hand on Sarah's fame clock is at 11:59.

  • Is that her talk or ingredients list?

  • SmutBoffin

    I am eagerly anticipating her presentation at this year's meeting of the American Physical Society. She will give a talk on the origins of exciton-plasmon coupling in graphene and its implications for spintronic devices.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      She's speaking at the International Association of Hydrogeologists conference in Prague this week. I think that her lecture will consist of lip-syncing Talking Heads "Once In a Lifetime," including the hand chop move for the "Same as it ever was" line.

      ♫ Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground ♪

    • George Spelvin

      It will amaze the APS that the origin of the coupling is tax cuts.

  • I will attend this if Palin puts lipstick on a frozen ham and heaves it at an unsuspecting Paula Dean.

    • gullywompr

      Wouldn't she already be wearing lipstick?

  • Paula Deen's Best Dishes.

    Just in case Type II isn't a high enough number.

    • God, that makes me want to puke. How can anyone think something like that is appetizing or even tastes good?

      • LettucePrey

        It's called a Luther Burger, named after Luther Vandross*, and when my execution date finally arrives, this will be my last meal request.

        *God bless that dead fat man's soul. And Jesus and the troops, Amen, also, too.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          More like the Lethal Burger, if you ask me.

    • Isyaignert

      Thanks very little – that was downright gross and unfortunately, I was eating my nice healthy lunch while watching the video, making it all the more disgusting.

      Did you notice how Paula Deen licks her fingers first and then hands the "sandwich" to that nice lady? Ewwwwwwww!

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Well, she was being filmed. Normally, when handing food to a blah lady…she'd spit on it.

        • or do a farmer's blow..

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Do you mean "Italian Handkerchief"?

    • Skullfry Buddha

      Chrivens…food porn!

  • StealthMuslin

    Got MILF?

    • Nostrildamus

      MILK, in Sarah's case.

      • George Spelvin

        This deserves more prominence. At least we can be sure Sarah is not a MILM.

  • OkieDokieDog

    The Heart of a Rogue Trailblazer? Palin dug up and stole Jack London's heart?

  • Schmannnity

    Palin will quit halfway through her speech to avoid giving out complementary Cheetos and Moonpies.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    As a cheese expert maybe she can explain why she and Bristol both smell that way.


      I can smell her raclette from here.

  • edgydrifter

    Just roguein' those trails and blazin' those hearts with that maverick faith in freedom's liberty.

  • SorosBot

    Well Sarah knows as much about cooking as she does about sticking things through, humility, and birth control.

    • FakaktaSouth

      BUT LOOK! Every person's speech is at least on topic, cept Sarah's – "The Heart of a Rogue Trailblazer" (HAHAHAHA) -her's of course, is about how she sees herself. If I were to do a speech on that bitch, it'd be more "The Whore in that Ridiculous Blazer"

      What is she telling these people? Ways they might make some slick grifter cash if they fail at the jobs they want?

  • Skullfry Buddha

    Exploiting chaos…unlocking cool
    Hyper- niching…transformative change

    This pretty much sums up why I hate working in business.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      You need to take the 30,000 foot view and think outside of the box.

    • Could be worse. Back in my day, it was all "paradigms" and "synergies." At least your buzz words are pronounceable.

      Too, you could be in academia and deal with hermaneutics which always sounds faintly German to me

    • Jus_Wonderin

      What, you don't see the synergy?

    • not that Radio

      Who moved my cheesy slogans?

      • Skullfry Buddha


  • philpjfry

    She will however be giving the keynote address at the National Douchebag Conference

  • el_donaldo

    I imagine next year Palin will be getting second billing after the jam and pie competition at your local county fair. Or maybe after that Fifty's rockabilly legend you think you might have heard about but can't remember if he had any hits.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo,

    Sounds awfully Socialistic to me. Is this being put on by the Wobblies?

    • SmutBoffin

      Butter sculpture of Joe Hill and EVERYTHANG.

  • Antispandex

    Heart of Rogue Trailblazer:
    1 One Heart (blazed)
    1 tblsp Olive Oil (or an Alaskan petroleum based product)
    1 lb Russian Seal Meat (if you don't have any, you should be able to see it from your backyard)
    Lots of guts and grit
    1 spurt of youbetcha sause

    • Youbetcha sauce– is that similar to Todd's Special Sauce?

      • Antispandex

        Youbetcha sause; Any of 722,190 sauses that result in youbetcha.
        So, yeah, Todd's is one of them.

  • WhatTheHeck

    “Got milk?” turned into “Got Zilch.”

  • SaintRond

    Has anyone noticed yet that her face is like a feminized version of Freddy Krueger?

    What the Hell is it with Republicans and their almost always ugly mouths?

    That cunt.

  • I've always wanted to unlock "Cool".

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Didn't Dubya speak last year at this event on pretzels or something?

  • Sarah's specialy dish is the Flamed Sudafed

    Needs moar Rachel Ray, also.

    • tihond

      "Dear Penthouse Forum, There I was at the International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo…"

  • MissTaken

    I bet Sarah has some great hookworm recipes to share.

    • Sheesh, I contributed this by taking the first part of someone else's stupid answer and adding my own ending. Can't believe it's still there…

      • MissTaken

        You are a true Wonketteer for that. We thank you!

  • MissTaken

    My cholesterol level went up 20 points reading this post.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Four of the five meet-ups are in the South. In June. Is it too much to hope that teh Snow Bitch will melt, or at the very least catch an especially scorching case of pneumonia?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      We could hope she is carried off by one of our very large mosquitoes when she is in Louisiana.

    • Surprised she ain't stoppin by PHX.

  • el_donaldo

    Blazing a trail to the bottom of the list!

    • Soon, she'll be the "emergency speaker at Wal-Mart openings"

  • gullywompr

    FLOTUS could have a field day with this, but she won't, because she has class.

  • Isyaignert

    Why in the holy fuk would anyone want to listen to that screetchy whorey sociopathic egomanical grifting fumduck? And those are her good points.

  • Chichikovovich

    I have no idea who Jeremy Gutsche, Jim Carroll, Adrian Slywotzky, or Jane Buckingham are, but given that upper bound on their performance, I'm going to make sure I never wander by mistake into any lecture they may be giving.

  • owhatever

    Donuts are people too, my friends.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I knew it. Pretty soon she'll be opening porn conventions–maybe she can have a Real Doll made of her to sell to her legions of mouth breathing fans.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I literally picture one doll.

  • LesBontemps

    I blame Obama.

    • Skullfry Buddha

      We all do, LesBon…we all do.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Can't wait to see the butter scene in Snowbillie's inevitable porno Last Tango in Wasilla

  • sewollef

    Two foodie posts in one day? Wassup with that?

  • MissTaken

    Sarah and food brings to mind the above black hole and this lovely image:

    • Gunner Asch

      Hay-soos! I dress better than that and I look like the Yellow Kid since I buy most of my clothes at garage sales and there are a lot of Double-X sized people around here.

  • mavenmaven

    Those lecture titles sound like its a porn trade convention…

  • An_Outhouse

    Holy crap, what a boring lineup. I'm betting the tour gets cancelled before the second event on the schedule. 'How to Make Your Brand Matter by exploiting Chaos'?? I prefer 'How to Make your Nether Regions Tingle by Exploiting Vibration'.

  • elburritodeluxe

    She was governor (briefly) of Alaska. A consumer of dairy products (and tax dollars) produced in the lower 48.

  • GortRay

    Hey, at least she got higher billing than Adrian Slywotzky. That's something, isn't it? Isn't it?!?

  • Wonderthing

    Never gonna not love the Snowbilly Grifter. But first tit sag and she's toast. Just sayin'

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Remember, what happens at the International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo stays at the International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo.

  • Chichikovovich

    How to make your Brand Matter by Exploiting Chaos and Unlocking "Cool"

    As Ralph "Waldo" Emerson said, if you can unlock the coolness potential of Buttermilk and Cottage Cheese the world will beat a path to your door.

    • George Spelvin

      A very irregular and inherently unpredictable path.

  • rickmaci

    Whole idea of having Tundra Grifteress as a speaker for these folks sounds half baked to me.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Someone should do a parody of a concert T-shirt with a picture of Palin, the phrase "Heart of a Rogue Trailblazer" and the IDDBA dates on it.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Will she be holding the fishing pole, the rifle, the hockey stick or the charge card?

  • MosesInvests

    Blessed are the cheesemakers.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Lou Sara's next gig is shilling for the greasy roast turkey leg concession at the Jasper County (IA) county fair. After that, alas, it will be downhill all the way to the bottom. And it is a big bottom that we're dealing with.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "And it is a big bottom that we're dealing with."


  • ElPinche

    Are you sure this shindig isn't a sting operation/medical intervention for the morbidly obese and rogue diabetics?

  • Chichikovovich

    'Cause this unbroken stream of morose hours is getting a bit much.

  • Why buy the cow when the milk is curdled?

  • BornInATrailer

    $10 says whatever asinine speech she has planned bombs and she tries to salvage it by dancing to "Milkshake."

  • SenileAgitation

    What a rollicking whirlwind of excitement as this dream team cavorts across the [once Confederate] South, telling it like it fucking mavericky is to deli and bake professionals! I can't wait until Sarah's Rogue Heart message is brought home in the new half-baked way these food professionals indifferently present their high calorie goods with cool, chaotic contempt and sneering disrespect for customers.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Palin deserves to turn around.

  • keinsignal

    Catfight! Catfight!

  • Terry

    I guess bakers can't be choosers.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Six speakers. My guess is she feels dissed at being the one they sleep through after lunch, and blows the gig after one stop. Unless there's a shopping trip.

  • fuflans

    to be fair, i'm sure a wolf-shooting, failed vice-presidential candidate 1/2 term governor from AL with a failed reality show about the wilderness has a lot to say to the worthy folk of the dairy-deli-bake.

  • Joshua Norton posted the original footage upthread, but nothing beats the Lynch-like brilliance of the Paula Deen 'ludes experience:

    Re-enacting this on actual 'ludes with Snowbilly would be the only event that would be worth seeing at the "Dairy Deli Druggy Seminar & Expo".

  • ttommyunger

    Paula Deen and Sarah Palin: a good old fashioned Cunt-Off.

  • BZ1

    I see grudge match here, get the jello baths ready!

  • paulabflat

    paula dean's just gonna butter 'em up for spalin, who will…christ, can somebody tell me exactly what this woman could possibly have to say about international dairies, delis or bakeries? and how will it be the president's fault?

    i'm stumped.

  • DahBoner

    Who appointed Sarah Palin "Dairy Queen"?

    Her saggy funbags aren't really that big…

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