National Free Lunch expert Sarah Palin has apparently accepted an exciting spot as some food industry lecturer at this year’s “International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo,” sure. Complimentary donuts. But according to the hot speaker lineup spotted by Wonkette baked-goods operative “Banana_bread,” Sarah Palin lost out for the top-billed spot to alleged racist diabetes shill Paula Deen. Will this demotion be tolerated?
There she is, blazing trails:
Whatever. It just better not happen at this year’s Taco Supreme conference. [IDDBA]
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Grifter Queen addresses Dairy Queen?
Udders or GTFO.
Show us your teats!
Brought to you by Bag Balm.®
I wondered about that for a moment, but both the dairy industry and the Tundra Grifter have an interest in government subsidies…
Rogue Trailblazing step one: eat (dairy-based) dessert first.
They should have booked Bristol, because I hear she gives up the milk for free.
That and everything else.
Ugh. You've put me off milk forever. Or anything that comes from cows, for that matter.
Bristol Libel! You have to give her at least a four pack of Bartles and James first.
The speakers are listed in order of how sweet their blood is.
Ascending?
OK – OT – I realize I am a thoroughly obtuse noob, but what's with the P number going down thing?
Is it like my snark life-ometer, or what? If I squander it down to zero does that mean I have to go back to the beggining of Wonkette and wend my way past all the bosses to rejoin the fray?
I mean I'm starting to get self conscious here and that just harshes my snark abilities. Help me out here and splain what gives.
Are you saying that your p-points are going down?
Needs more Viagra.
Um, assuming you are asking a serious question and not just mocking me, yes, that would be affirmative maam. Iz goez down.
It's just us high-P's keeping you in your place.
You wouldn't understand.
(Say, Barb, you happen to have any more of the Armangac, would you? Feeling a bit dry here.)
Listen to this class-warfare Marxist over here, asking for P-ness handouts and all.
It's happened to me a couple of times right after I've ticked up one, then I tick down one again briefly and up one. Though early on, when I had just a few dozen posts, there was a lot of fluctuation. I've never been able to figure out how the algorithm works. And I study algorithms for a living.
Keep posting fearlessly and the p-rating will go up relatively rapidly until you hit 100 or so and then it will increase glacially.
Mine went from 130 to 131 earlier today. Maybe someone else's had to go down in order for this to happen. Who would have guessed that Intense Debate was a zero-sum game?
Pay more attention to the upfist numbers on your individual posts. When you have posts that score 10 or more, you know you're giving good snark/insight. The p-number is some cryptic bullshit that nobody understands; some people get a huge p-number just by flooding threads with replies that add nothing to the conversation.
Absolutely!
harsh chet, harsh.
Can I just say again how awesome I think this post is?
OH MY GOD! I can't believe you just said that shit, Chet. I owe you and Mrs Chet two fine porterhouse steaks for your refreshing burst of honesty.
Yeah, that shit gets really old quickly.
Izzat so?
some people get a huge p-number just by flooding threads with replies that add nothing to the conversation.
I resemble that remark!
hell, I've been stuck at 84 forever.
In fairness, cooking the heart of a rogue trailblazer is kind of tricky.
Skullfry it.
actually, as the keynote, Paula will deep fry it in duck fat and slap it between 2 crispy cremes. because she's the devil
Rouge Trailblazer
7 cups rogue trailblazer diced
1 pound lies
4 cups self-aggrandizement, sifted
4 cloves greed
3 cups lunacy
3 cups delusion
1 dash Todd jizz
Bake in oven at 350 for 30 minutes or until odor drives animals from the room.
Serves no one.
awesome, think I'll try this for Mother's Day…oh damn, missed it! btw, where can I get me one o' them adorable Bobble-head Buddha's for MY dashboard? (the Jesus is gettin' lonely! :)
He's easier to get than you think:
http://www.amazon.com/DASHBOARD-bobble-NODDER-BUD…
You need to tenderize it with the cleated heel of a jackbooted thug first.
Honestly, I would think she'd give the "Exploiting Chaos" lecture. Its a better fit.
Good god, she's goin to be invoking all her diary business expertise is progressing a failin business with state monies with a hs bff realtor who put a childhood 'love of cows' as a qualifier for the six-figure job as head of the Department of Ag.
Frannie's daddy actually said to the press, with no guile, that he wasn't asking for a handout, but that the State should be creating a market for the dairy farmers from Wasilla. No shit.
http://www.themudflats.net/2010/04/16/got-milked-…
"The Heart of a Rogue Trailblazer"? Cuz milk is so edgy?
Milk is risky. Remember when Bob Dole said it causes cancer?
Interesting how the speaker following Lou Sarah will talk about "hyperniching". Seems like LS is already so good at it she's almost nano-niching.
It's the last speaker I'd be interested in.
Jane Buckingham is definitely on the hawt side…. think I'm gonna LinkedIn to her.
"Hyperniching"? Is that where you have a blog, and only one other person on the planet reads it? I think it would be cool if Palin got into this.
Needs more butter.
Which one will Anthony Bourdain want to murder first?
Paula's working on her own demise herself.
BTW, I heard on the news today that she is dealing well with her diabetes diagnosis and has lost 3 LBS!
She cut off one of her feet?
Toes.
I thought she had a flipper.
Your momma's so fat she got diabetes and had to have one of her feet amputated!
Bless her southern heart! She's getting there. By 2020, she'll be down a whole 10 pounds!
All of them KATYA!
Yeah…but there are some things even he won't eat. (Hint: It's Sarah Palin)
She gave up governing America's largest state so that she could straight talk to America's largest people.
"International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo"
It is to laugh.
ID-D-BASE, if you please.
They had to rename it, because their former acroynm used to be D-A-BETUSS, which was how they managed to land Paula Deen in the first place actually.
To get in they tell you to show your D-BASEd ID!!
That cracks 'em up every year.
YAFT (yet another fucking tradeshow).
So now she's Chef Sarah? Where will she make her next appearance, Defcon because she used a computer once?
Cos she can roast a whole wolf (with a flame thrower, from a helicopter). Haute cuisine, snowbillie style.
Maybe she can give some advice on how to bilk the state.
Yeah, do these IDDBBDBA people know about Matanuska Maid & Dairygate?
If the only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is the lipstick, maybe hockey moms shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children!
Yeah, like she goes anywhere near her children.
I cannot get the fried chicken recipe to post. Maybe it's too long. Any suggestions?
E-mail it to me at Barbxoxoxo@aol.com. please
Zzzzz
As if she's actually going to show up…
Oh she will, and she'll be sporting a tricked out cowbell. . .
I can see Danish from my house.
Right next to Hungary. And if Paula Deen is there, lots of Greece.
Any Turkey?
'Egypt us!
A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.
"Be the ball."
And if that ball is a little doughy nugget fused together with baker's sugar and yeast, Be the Doughnut-Hole.
//…SEE WHAT YOU"VE DONE — I was gonna try to get outa this office 15 minutes early but NO — you had to go and tantalize me with memorable movie-quote nostalgicakes!!1!
The heart of a rogue trailblazer:
1. Get husband to get you a moose hunting license.
2. Get husband to shoot moose because that gun is awfully big.
3. Get husband to skin moose because — gross.
4. Tell everybody and their fuckin' dog what a badass moose hunter you are.
5. Brag about family moose chili recipe
6. Google "how to make moose chili"
7. Get husband to call all the neighbors and beg for moose because Greta's coming over and expects moose chili. Oh, and if they could cook it that would be great, too.
Wooks, after all these years skulking 'round the Wonkette you're STILL my favorite!
In all fairness, it is a baking conference and Ms. Deen is, after all, a cook.
Surely bespectacled colostomy bag Sarah Palin will be invited to give the keynote at the AMA's Proctology/Urology 2012.
I'd rather hear about Deen's butter stunts than listen to Palin, that utter cunt.
Jim Carroll came back from the dead for this?
Curse you MarionNYNYNYNYNY
Hey, it's dog eat dog. Ya gotta be quick.
Sad to see Jim Carroll shilling for Big Dairy. Especially after he and all his friends…died died…
I guess it's too late for Sharon Tate.
That was probably the best album of the 8o's.
It's actually Leonardo DiCarprio working on his new film "The Blahsketball Diaries"
Remember the Doomsday Clock that featured on the cover of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists? I think that the minute hand on Sarah's fame clock is at 11:59.
Is that her talk or ingredients list?
I am eagerly anticipating her presentation at this year's meeting of the American Physical Society. She will give a talk on the origins of exciton-plasmon coupling in graphene and its implications for spintronic devices.
She's speaking at the International Association of Hydrogeologists conference in Prague this week. I think that her lecture will consist of lip-syncing Talking Heads "Once In a Lifetime," including the hand chop move for the "Same as it ever was" line.
♫ Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground ♪
It will amaze the APS that the origin of the coupling is tax cuts.
I will attend this if Palin puts lipstick on a frozen ham and heaves it at an unsuspecting Paula Dean.
Wouldn't she already be wearing lipstick?
Paula Deen's Best Dishes.
Just in case Type II isn't a high enough number.
God, that makes me want to puke. How can anyone think something like that is appetizing or even tastes good?
It's called a Luther Burger, named after Luther Vandross*, and when my execution date finally arrives, this will be my last meal request.
*God bless that dead fat man's soul. And Jesus and the troops, Amen, also, too.
More like the Lethal Burger, if you ask me.
Thanks very little – that was downright gross and unfortunately, I was eating my nice healthy lunch while watching the video, making it all the more disgusting.
Did you notice how Paula Deen licks her fingers first and then hands the "sandwich" to that nice lady? Ewwwwwwww!
Well, she was being filmed. Normally, when handing food to a blah lady…she'd spit on it.
or do a farmer's blow..
Do you mean "Italian Handkerchief"?
Chrivens…food porn!
Got MILF?
MILK, in Sarah's case.
This deserves more prominence. At least we can be sure Sarah is not a MILM.
The Heart of a Rogue Trailblazer? Palin dug up and stole Jack London's heart?
Palin will quit halfway through her speech to avoid giving out complementary Cheetos and Moonpies.
As a cheese expert maybe she can explain why she and Bristol both smell that way.
I can smell her raclette from here.
Just roguein' those trails and blazin' those hearts with that maverick faith in freedom's liberty.
Well Sarah knows as much about cooking as she does about sticking things through, humility, and birth control.
BUT LOOK! Every person's speech is at least on topic, cept Sarah's – "The Heart of a Rogue Trailblazer" (HAHAHAHA) -her's of course, is about how she sees herself. If I were to do a speech on that bitch, it'd be more "The Whore in that Ridiculous Blazer"
What is she telling these people? Ways they might make some slick grifter cash if they fail at the jobs they want?
Exploiting chaos…unlocking cool
Hyper- niching…transformative change
This pretty much sums up why I hate working in business.
You need to take the 30,000 foot view and think outside of the box.
Could be worse. Back in my day, it was all "paradigms" and "synergies." At least your buzz words are pronounceable.
Too, you could be in academia and deal with hermaneutics which always sounds faintly German to me
What, you don't see the synergy?
Who moved my cheesy slogans?
Exactly.—
She will however be giving the keynote address at the National Douchebag Conference
I imagine next year Palin will be getting second billing after the jam and pie competition at your local county fair. Or maybe after that Fifty's rockabilly legend you think you might have heard about but can't remember if he had any hits.
International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo,
Sounds awfully Socialistic to me. Is this being put on by the Wobblies?
Butter sculpture of Joe Hill and EVERYTHANG.
Heart of Rogue Trailblazer:
1 One Heart (blazed)
1 tblsp Olive Oil (or an Alaskan petroleum based product)
1 lb Russian Seal Meat (if you don't have any, you should be able to see it from your backyard)
Lots of guts and grit
1 spurt of youbetcha sause
Youbetcha sauce– is that similar to Todd's Special Sauce?
Youbetcha sause; Any of 722,190 sauses that result in youbetcha.
So, yeah, Todd's is one of them.
“Got milk?” turned into “Got Zilch.”
Has anyone noticed yet that her face is like a feminized version of Freddy Krueger?
What the Hell is it with Republicans and their almost always ugly mouths?
That cunt.
I've always wanted to unlock "Cool".
Didn't Dubya speak last year at this event on pretzels or something?
Sarah's specialy dish is the Flamed Sudafed
Needs moar Rachel Ray, also.
"Dear Penthouse Forum, There I was at the International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo…"
I bet Sarah has some great hookworm recipes to share.
Sheesh, I contributed this by taking the first part of someone else's stupid answer and adding my own ending. Can't believe it's still there…
You are a true Wonketteer for that. We thank you!
My cholesterol level went up 20 points reading this post.
Four of the five meet-ups are in the South. In June. Is it too much to hope that teh Snow Bitch will melt, or at the very least catch an especially scorching case of pneumonia?
We could hope she is carried off by one of our very large mosquitoes when she is in Louisiana.
Surprised she ain't stoppin by PHX.
Blazing a trail to the bottom of the list!
Soon, she'll be the "emergency speaker at Wal-Mart openings"
FLOTUS could have a field day with this, but she won't, because she has class.
Why in the holy fuk would anyone want to listen to that screetchy whorey sociopathic egomanical grifting fumduck? And those are her good points.
I have no idea who Jeremy Gutsche, Jim Carroll, Adrian Slywotzky, or Jane Buckingham are, but given that upper bound on their performance, I'm going to make sure I never wander by mistake into any lecture they may be giving.
Donuts are people too, my friends.
Delicious, delicious people.
I knew it. Pretty soon she'll be opening porn conventions–maybe she can have a Real Doll made of her to sell to her legions of mouth breathing fans.
I literally picture one doll.
I blame Obama.
We all do, LesBon…we all do.
Can't wait to see the butter scene in Snowbillie's inevitable porno Last Tango in Wasilla
Two foodie posts in one day? Wassup with that?
Sarah and food brings to mind the above black hole and this lovely image: http://www.google.com/imgres?q=sarah+palin+at+the…
Hay-soos! I dress better than that and I look like the Yellow Kid since I buy most of my clothes at garage sales and there are a lot of Double-X sized people around here.
Those lecture titles sound like its a porn trade convention…
Holy crap, what a boring lineup. I'm betting the tour gets cancelled before the second event on the schedule. 'How to Make Your Brand Matter by exploiting Chaos'?? I prefer 'How to Make your Nether Regions Tingle by Exploiting Vibration'.
She was governor (briefly) of Alaska. A consumer of dairy products (and tax dollars) produced in the lower 48.
Hey, at least she got higher billing than Adrian Slywotzky. That's something, isn't it? Isn't it?!?
Never gonna not love the Snowbilly Grifter. But first tit sag and she's toast. Just sayin'
Remember, what happens at the International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo stays at the International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo.
How to make your Brand Matter by Exploiting Chaos and Unlocking "Cool"
As Ralph "Waldo" Emerson said, if you can unlock the coolness potential of Buttermilk and Cottage Cheese the world will beat a path to your door.
A very irregular and inherently unpredictable path.
Whole idea of having Tundra Grifteress as a speaker for these folks sounds half baked to me.
Someone should do a parody of a concert T-shirt with a picture of Palin, the phrase "Heart of a Rogue Trailblazer" and the IDDBA dates on it.
Will she be holding the fishing pole, the rifle, the hockey stick or the charge card?
Blessed are the cheesemakers.
Lou Sara's next gig is shilling for the greasy roast turkey leg concession at the Jasper County (IA) county fair. After that, alas, it will be downhill all the way to the bottom. And it is a big bottom that we're dealing with.
"And it is a big bottom that we're dealing with."
Todd?
Are you sure this shindig isn't a sting operation/medical intervention for the morbidly obese and rogue diabetics?
'Cause this unbroken stream of morose hours is getting a bit much.
Why buy the cow when the milk is curdled?
$10 says whatever asinine speech she has planned bombs and she tries to salvage it by dancing to "Milkshake."
What a rollicking whirlwind of excitement as this dream team cavorts across the [once Confederate] South, telling it like it fucking mavericky is to deli and bake professionals! I can't wait until Sarah's Rogue Heart message is brought home in the new half-baked way these food professionals indifferently present their high calorie goods with cool, chaotic contempt and sneering disrespect for customers.
Palin deserves to turn around.
Catfight! Catfight!
I guess bakers can't be choosers.
Six speakers. My guess is she feels dissed at being the one they sleep through after lunch, and blows the gig after one stop. Unless there's a shopping trip.
to be fair, i'm sure a wolf-shooting, failed vice-presidential candidate 1/2 term governor from AL with a failed reality show about the wilderness has a lot to say to the worthy folk of the dairy-deli-bake.
Joshua Norton posted the original footage upthread, but nothing beats the Lynch-like brilliance of the Paula Deen 'ludes experience:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1PsDyhNFBI
Re-enacting this on actual 'ludes with Snowbilly would be the only event that would be worth seeing at the "Dairy Deli Druggy Seminar & Expo".
Paula Deen and Sarah Palin: a good old fashioned Cunt-Off.
I see grudge match here, get the jello baths ready!
paula dean's just gonna butter 'em up for spalin, who will…christ, can somebody tell me exactly what this woman could possibly have to say about international dairies, delis or bakeries? and how will it be the president's fault?
i'm stumped.
Who appointed Sarah Palin "Dairy Queen"?
Her saggy funbags aren't really that big…
It's what brands crave!
Why would I mock you?
What was your old p-point rating? How far did you drop?
Mazel Tov on your promotion!
Congratulations on your p-point bump!
Well, honestly, after I barked out that "Unmitigated GALL" piece, I was pushing 100 (a milestone if you will) like mebbe 98 or so. Since then my P just be sliding down.
Between that and hitting 10,000 comments, it's the best day of my life!!!
Talk to metamarcisf he/she was -250P or so for a while.
If you are posting to IntenseDebate on another site (like the various sites run by Zombie Breitbart), where they can down fist you, that will allow it to go down. If you are just posting here, though, that is a bit strange.
10,000 comments? My fingers hurt just thinking about that.
I can't even imagine that. But you give me the courage to dream.
You know I like you Balder, so I'm saying this as a friend, you have a sad life. Wait I'm commenting on Wonkette too. Maybe Baconz should take stock before he casts stones.
GEEZE – I just lost another point. Pgod no likes me.
I got to tell you though, my question has elicited some funny funny shit. My Pness may be shrinking but I'm gettin all full up with laugh-happy.
Ben oui, but s/he used to head over to Breitbart sites and taunt them, with the resulting massive retaliation of downfisting.
So anyway, gang. GANG! Pay attention. And that means you too, Baldar. OK – let's all give a bunch of upfists to OldWhiteLies to see what happens. For Science.
Do you comment at other places that use Intense Debate? Cuz some of those places actually have down fistings
yea, like you can fist a bottom…
We used to have downfist here, too. But the ugly trolls would show up and just knock everyone down. Fisting should always be happy!
That's what I was thinking, too– other sites. Your p can only go up on Wonkette (like MissTaken said–thanks to a bunch of Breitbart trolls who used to downfist all our comments resulting in negative comment ratings which lead to negative pee).
At the risk of losing even more P …
Nope, this is it. Only site on which I comment. I like it here.
Seems like it has to do with how many of my comments are replies.
Done!
I think p-ness gets bigger when more people follow you, too.
Um, wow. I am sincerely overwhelmed with warm-fuzzies. If I had had any faith to begin with, it would surely be restored. You are most kind, and I am most humbled.
However, science not withstanding, please return to your regularly scheduled snark. Please only upfist my humble submissions if they deserve, and not cuz of my whiney-baby bit.
Cheers. See ya inside …
And done again!
And please give multiple upfists to starfanglednut too, as an act of charity.
Well, we like you too, also.
Actually, if this is the only place you comment, it shouldn't go down. Sometimes the system gets glitchy, in which case there will be many complaints hereabouts.
Thanks! I can feel the frontiers of ignorance retreating already.
And remember everyone – OldWhiteLies writes "façade" with a cedilla! We need such people.
Edit: Now if we can only get someone who writes "rôle" with a circumflex we'll be set. I'd do it myself, but, you know, it's kind of pompous
Ah, the best ideas are always the simplest! I'll start keeping an eye out for that too.
It's sad to see a man to ask for p-handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN pSS YOU LAZY BUM!!!
They're even more delicious if you skullfuck them first.
Hmm. By saluting your response, I participate recursively.
Oh, well. Buttsechs.
It has fractalytes.
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