RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  11:42 am May 22, 2012

Scientific Studies Show We’re Turning Into Insecure Jerks

by Sulagna Misra

Not Sulagna MisraHi everyone, it is the time of the day when we welcome our new intern, Sulagna Misra! (“Soo-LOG-nuh”) She comes to us from NYU and USC and also New Jersey, and she will be writing linky posts and also the Tumblr. Did you know we had a Tumblr? No, neither did we, because we abandoned and forgot it because of Oldness. HELLO SULAGNA WELCOME TO YOUR WONKET. Here, she has made you a linky post. Be excellent unto her, please! — The Editrix

  • The increase in chemicals on the environment is not only slowly killing ALL the trees, it’s making us more neurotic. So basically, more chemicals in the air = more sitcoms like Seinfeld. [Science Daily]
  • A weird, terrible study suggests a correlation between organic food and low moral fiber. But actually, this study is really, really terrible, and someone really just wanted to see if they could make Michael Pollan mad. [Grist]
  • The frustratingly named Gregory Jaczko, head of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, steps down. He was a total jerk who took every opportunity to yell at people JUST BECAUSE FUKUSHIMA WAS HAPPENING (jerk). [NPR]
  • Apple installs three new data centers that run on 100% renewable energy, proving they too are susceptible to catchy slogans like “Clean our cloud!” [Renewable Energy World]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 123 comments }

nounverb911 May 22, 2012 at 11:44 am

Turning? I'd say we've been there for a while.

Barb May 22, 2012 at 11:44 am

Hello Sulagna! Welcome to the jungle.
If any of the male readers ask if you have a webcam you should just tell them that you don't own a computer.

Oh, and "tits or GTFO" is a just their way of saying "howdy."

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

Good morning, Barb. Tits or GTFO today? I hope well…

Barb May 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

Go to hell, you gold-plated shit gibbon.
I didn't really mean that. I just wanted the new girl to know that she can smack people down for saying that.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

And a fine porch monkey to you, too!

Barb May 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

Spank you, very much!
God, I hope the new gal brought doughnuts, I am starving here, Actor.

vodkamuppet May 22, 2012 at 12:19 pm

"gold plated shit gibbon" I'm stealing this.

vodkamuppet May 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Why don't you wimenz understand "tits or GTFO"? Eventually you'll turn around and we'll notice your ass too. You see, when a man loves a woman, he loves the whole woman, tits and ass.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Especially when he's clamped onto her tits from behind.

ManchuCandidate May 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

Does this mean that we're all going to marry our adopted step daughters?

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

Soon-yi, I think, rather than later-yi

nounverb911 May 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

Sulagna, while you're up get me some coffee please.

(Oh, and welcome to the fold).

mavenmaven May 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

I'd guess chai.

freakishlywrong May 22, 2012 at 12:06 pm

What, no sammich? *SLAP*!

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm

(Oh, and welcome to the fold)

And god have mercy on your soul.

DerrickWildcat May 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

Chinese child slave labor is 100% renewable right?

johnnyzhivago May 22, 2012 at 11:48 am

Wearing underwear that is too tight can kill you. I'd like to see more stories about this.

chicken_thief May 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Underwear Safety Tip #1. Do not pull your underwear all the way up to your neck.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Melvin!

natoslug May 22, 2012 at 12:33 pm

That is why, for safety's sake, I am foregoing underwear for the rest of the day. And pants.

GlowneyHouse May 22, 2012 at 2:21 pm
V572 Is this him? May 22, 2012 at 11:48 am

"Does organic food make you a jerk?"

Why read the story when the hed confirms your prejudice? This is science!

FNMA May 22, 2012 at 11:48 am

Soon-Yi? I didn't even know her!

Wait a minute. I think I fucked that up. Soon-Yi? Um, something.

Oh, and Sulagna, tits or GTFO.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 11:49 am

Hey! That's not an Amurican name! What kinda furriner mommyblog you running here????

NYU, huh? I'm gonna have fun!

elviouslyqueer May 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

Welcome Sulagna! Please note in future that all science-y posts and linkies should include at minimum one article pertaining to buttsecks. Or martinis. Or both.

Forewarned is forearmed, is because.

Jus_Wonderin May 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Forearmed can have multiple meaning, I think.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 22, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Is it possible to have a science related article about martini's that isn't also about the buttsex?

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

A weird, terrible study suggests a correlation between organic food and low moral fiber.

Wait. So high fibre is low in fiber?

elgin_pelican May 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Soylent Green is people, my friends.

Grief_Lessons May 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

Was there any correlation between organic food consumption and smugness?

Barb May 22, 2012 at 12:02 pm

No, but scientific studies show that the correlation between driving a Prius and smugness is real.

Maman May 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I saw that on South Park

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Do you need a study to find that water is wet?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 22, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I'm pretty sure that the American Petroleum Institute would deny it. And FOX News would argue that there is no scientific consensus on this whole water thing.

mavenmaven May 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

This is good, can you bring back the cartoons now as well?

CapnFatback May 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

Greetings and Sulagnatations!

A weird, terrible study suggests a correlation between organic food and low moral fiber.

And Jonah Goldberg told me that Hitler was a vegetarian, so . . . eat a Big Mac, save a Jew!

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

What's eating an Irish got to do with the Jews?

edgydrifter May 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

Damn, and I was just getting comfortable with my jerkdom. Now I have to worry about that, too?

SorosBot May 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

What's a Tumblr?

ThankYouJeebus May 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

It's the container from which John Boehner drinks his morning scotch.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 11:59 am

That's not a Thermos?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 22, 2012 at 2:13 pm

That's for his morning Irish Coffee.

chicken_thief May 22, 2012 at 12:12 pm

That he replentishes through out the day with his tears.

Barb May 22, 2012 at 12:09 pm

A Tumblr is a small, underweight young Chinese girl who works 27 hours a day to make it to the Olympics and then retires at age 22, and prays that she will one day get her menstrual cycle.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Are you sure it's not a pole dancer?

Cuz they charge extra for that down at the Hooker Emporium (right next to the Abortionplex) and call it a Tumbler.

Or maybe they just roll the drunks. I had a lot of tequila that night.

DerrickWildcat May 22, 2012 at 12:20 pm

It is what Boy George will do for ya.

weejee May 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

Welcome Sulagna. So your going to be helping with tumblers (the Editrix can't spell)? Mine is empty. Single malt neat, please.

el_donaldo May 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

Great. Now I have to go about the day worrying obsessively about all the trees dying. Again.

And tits or GTFO. Also.

elviouslyqueer May 22, 2012 at 11:56 am

Then they looked at a “packet” describing, and this is for real "A man eating his already-dead dog."

Wait. So was the man's deceased pooch organic or not organic? THIS IS IMPORTANT, people!

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I'm just glad I didn't have to see the man eating a live dog.

SorosBot May 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

But neurotic people can be hilarious, like the aforementioned Woody Allen, Jerry Seinfeld & Larry David, and also Tina Fey and myself. So see, chemicals are making us funnier!

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Schizo people are even funnier.

Just ask me.

And me.

el_donaldo May 22, 2012 at 12:01 pm

My history has always been that the chemicals just make me think I'm funny. And cause me to make errors of judgment that occasionally seem funny at a long remove. A looong remove.

MissTaken May 22, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Smart neurotic people are funny. It's the dumb neurotics you want to stay away from.

Actually nevermind me today, I ate some organic cereal in organic milk topped with organic strawberries so I'm feeling like an extra-special jerk right now. Fuck you and the neurotic horse you rode in on!

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I'd like an extra-special jerk please.

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Waitaminute, isn't all that organic food making you "of low moral fiber?"

This is my chance!

GorzoTheMighty May 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

Sulagna (Irish or Bulgarian?) Is there a "safe" word you should be telling us? The abuse starts now.

prommie May 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

Can I just say I hate the whole neurotic-insecure self-deprecating intellectual schtick? Can I say how much I hate it? Am I the only person who thinks Woodie Allen is just fucking awful, and I mean awful, just fucking godawful? Lowbrow highbrow for pretentious mediocres, thats what fucking woodie allen is. Cliche'd pretentious intellectual name drropping, what its supposed to be impressive you know what an oedipus complex is? Its the same shit as Dennis Miller unnecessarily talking about Hannibal marching through the Alps during a fucking football game. Woodie, we all know what you are, a pervy little fucking geek who loves the young, too young, stuff, stop mentioning Freud as if the fact you have half an education changes that.

Mumbletypeg May 22, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Tell us how you really feel, Prommie!
Or chant it — like our favorite cheerleading singalong when'st we werest young:
"Go *clap* Bananas! Go-go *clap* Bananas!"

prommie May 22, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I'm gonna go have sex with someone I love.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Orgasmatron haz a sad.

His really early stuff was pretty funny. Go rent "What's Up, Tiger Lilly?"

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Why not. The heart wants what it wants.

Chichikovovich May 22, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Second. The guy's a pseud of the worst kind. [Exhibit 6,595: I didn't see the recent fantasy about Owen Wilson meeting historical figures in Paris, but I did see the poster. Wilson walking in Paris, with the background transforming into Van Gogh's Starry Night. Because nothing says "Paris" like a famous painting of a smallish town in southern France painted by a Dutch artist.]

fuflans May 22, 2012 at 2:49 pm

we got stuck ('stuck') in arles (and aix) during the great icelandic volcanic eruption of 2010.

ken layne made fun of us.

then i got fired when i got home.

Chichikovovich May 22, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Really? For being away when it was impossible to cross the Atlantic? No snark, that's harsh.

Almost makes me think the theatre world isn't a supportive and warm environment…..

fuflans May 22, 2012 at 3:40 pm

ha!

no it was a day job – virtual office that i thought would be a great solution to juggling two careers (could live anywhere, travel to acting jobs, very nice salary, etc).

sadly, it was run by a foul bunch of former deloitte consultants who were (obv) all republicans, making millions off government related contracts. (business model: napa wines + nouveau riche art = corporate growth strategy.).

foul partners, foul product, foul clients. miserable experience. i was actually delighted to get laid off (the only reason i stayed was level headed mr. fuflans – who rightly assumed that i might need unemployment ins. and they were always firing somebody…).

but yeah, they did lay me off after an unintended extra week in the south of france due to a volcano in iceland. which i suppose is technically better than getting laid off after returning from lengthy medical leave. (which they also did – to two employees.).

still!! job creators!

fuflans May 22, 2012 at 2:53 pm

i tend to agree with you – though i liked the creepy tennis movie with the creepy henry 8th guy.

gurukalehuru May 22, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Annie Hall was one of the greatest movies ever. But he's done it now a hundred times. Match Point, as fuflans pointed out, was a masterpiece, and he's had many other great films and great comedic lines. But, yeah, he can be a pretentious shit, and Midnight in Paris wasn't very good.

deanbooth May 22, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Say it ain't so, prommie. I've always liked Woody. Then again, I might be the only person who liked Dennis Miller on MNF (which was before he came out as a total douche).

prommie May 22, 2012 at 11:59 am

Needz Moar links to funny cats. Or fapping fodder.

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I think I prefer the Italian pronunciation, soo-lahn-ya.

FakaktaSouth May 22, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Jesus Christ. I wish some people were MORE insecure. Being so god damn positive of our own infallibility is more than half the reason this country is like it is in the first place.

freakishlywrong May 22, 2012 at 12:09 pm

So is SULAGNA our new "Mourning in America"? Kinda, thingee? Welcome aboard, SULAGNA, leave your liver somewhere safe.

Kidneys4Sale May 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Yes…just the liver…<whistle whistle>.

Not_So_Much May 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Name sound like a furriner. But not the brown kind, soooo, welcome!

a_pink_poodle May 22, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I knew it! The relationship between dietary and moral fiber is a zero sum game!

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 22, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Guys, I've started a new workout regime and I think it has taken away my snark. What should I do? Stay slightly doughy, snarky asshole become a lean sexy humorless asshole?

ifthethunderdontgetya May 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Choose wisely, my fiend.
~

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I've noticed that since I've gotten back in shape. Ten miles on a bike and I've done burned all the hate out of my system. Seems it's been months since I've dropped an F-bomb in comments here.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I'm sleeping through the night and actually paying attention at work. It's awful!

ThundercatHo May 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Your brain is just busy handling all the complaints coming in from your abused muscles. Once you get used to it things will return to normal. Plus, November gets closer everyday.

Mumbletypeg May 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Keep working out — Leave off the headphones (if you're doing cardio/ jogging/ treadmill?) occasionally and have your mind sort of hyper-wander, jelling the news items/ conundrums the day has brought in & out of your attention. Sometimes while jogging I'll come up with puns or faux-headlines (mostly puns) to while away the time.
And, some days are just lame, like bad hair days, it'll pass.

As they say — this comment was 100% snark-free (see? It happens to the best of us.)

Mumbletypeg May 22, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Be excellent unto her, please! — The Editrix

Haha — surely you're smart enough to know, Sulagna, this is code for "Abuse at your own peril,"
which in turn is further coded for "We will lede by example — the Editors"
who if true to Wonkette tradition will make a regular habit of making butt jokes at your expense, dispatching you in person to report on weasel-ridden CPAC circle jerk pageants, and coerce you in good internly tradition to rise before dawn to throw meaty early a.m. headlines to the hungry commentariat.
The More You Know — the less it has to do with any "tumblr"-twatting… sheeesh..

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

At the very least, she will never have to know the humiliation of being fondled by Breitbart.

Maybe we can book her passage on the next sailing of O'Keefe's dildo boat.

Mumbletypeg May 22, 2012 at 12:47 pm

book her passage on the next sailing of O'Keefe's dildo boat.

Baby steps, now. Baby steps…

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Yes

No

Wait, who?

MasterDebater May 22, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Fight On! I used to sleep on the benches in the basement of Leavey Library (not kidding, this was during the LA Metro transit strike in 2003/04, and I lived so far from campus & had sold my car & I couldn't bum rides on a daily basis, so I became a pale, forlorn denizen of the neon computer lab in the basement).

Trojans pop under pressure, also.

Welcome!

Baconzgood May 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Wasn't Jaczko the Energizer spokes man in the 80's?
http://www.dank2k.org/files/images/jacko.gif

prommie May 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Oi!

vodkamuppet May 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Hey Sulagna, welcome to Wonkette! How you doin?

ifthethunderdontgetya May 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The frustratingly named Gregory Jaczko, head of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, steps down.

Because he was a jerk, or because the other 4 appointees are industry shills?

I know where I'm placing my bet.
~

George Spelvin May 22, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Yeah, I have trouble regarding this as a "win".

BelleSC May 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Welcome, New Girl. A big "howdy, y'all" from (part of) the Southern delegation.

Maman May 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I will just say howdy Sulagna and welcome aboard.

proudgrampa May 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm

So, a Right- AND Left-Coast education, hmmmm?

Welcome, you sweet young thing!

Love,

proudgrampa

Blueb4sunrise May 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Don't talk to me Sulagna, I live in Arizona.

natoslug May 22, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I know the first study is invalid because I have a tree in my yard, and it is not dead. Therefore, all science is wrong. In conclusion, global warming is a hoax, the moon landing was faked and that cloud better stop fucking looking at me like that.

Callyson May 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Hi Sulagna–welcome to the fold, and don't let anyone go Gregory Jaczko on you…

owhatever May 22, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Dammit, Sulagna, I have been stalking you all these past months and now you go public with this pack of Weirdo Wonkettes? They are perverts who are disrespectful and undeserving of a goddess like yourself. Do you have some underwear that you don't want anymore?

Antispandex May 22, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Ok, first of all, that's not a real name, and second, if she was real, there would be pictures. Naked pictures. You know, so we can see if she is a girl. I'm not going to be nice to some made up lady, and have you tell us later that it was just a nom de plume for some already existing person I may not like…there's that story about Newt being broke. …It's really Newt, isn't it?!

Dudleydidwrong May 22, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Welcome, Sulagna, to the combo snake pit/fun house. Remember, you asked for it. You may wish for a job as a Walmart checker after a month of this abuse.

DahBoner May 22, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Which tanning salon has the best deals???

emmelemm May 22, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Welcome, Sulagna. Just remember, the more they tease you, the more they like you. It's like second grade and pigtails, know what I mean?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 22, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I refuse to acknowledge Sulagna until I see her long form birth certificate.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

The big question is, if Sulagna is going to do the morning update, will she be able to match the journalistic quality for morning updates that has been set by FOX and Friends.

BTWBFDIMHO May 22, 2012 at 2:45 pm

As they say here in Texas: "save a tree, wipe your ass with a squirrel".

fuflans May 22, 2012 at 2:57 pm

welcome sulagna and don't pay any attention to them.

Come here a minute May 22, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Well I didn't want any of your goddamn soup anyway. You know who else went around saying, "No soup for you!"?

gurukalehuru May 22, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Hasn't anybody noticed that an anagram of Sulagna is Lasugna? I love lasugna.

ttommyunger May 22, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Needz moar buttsechs!

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 11:58 am

HEY, SOO-LOG-NUH!

Donuts ovah hyeer!

Oh…and tits or GTFO to you too!

chicken_thief May 22, 2012 at 12:09 pm

NJ, huh? Like she could make it to the border of NJ with a box of donuts before Christie intercepted her and "ensured the pastries were suitable for human consumption".

natoslug May 22, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I shoved one of the cranberry-orange muffins my wife made this morning into the USB port. Please let me know if you get it, and if it makes up for the lack of doughnuts. The muffins are just the right height, but don't seem to have made it all the way through. Must be some congestion on the web.

FakaktaSouth May 22, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I really don't think any of Dub's problems came from not being cock-sure enough, do you? NO ONE with self esteem problems can make the asshole fuck faces he did, talk the winky bullshit SarahP could, or Master the Guffaw like Mitt – it is all just too much.

prommie May 22, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Yeah, and look at how they still talk about humble old Jimmy Carter. Nothing wrong with self-confidence, when you are right, its the self-confident idiots who have nothing to be confident about who are the problem.

prommie May 22, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Maybe I'll just say the best lack all conviction, while the worst are filled with a terrible intensity.

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2012 at 12:22 pm

If she's ever read Wonkette then she's probably expecting the tits-or-gtfo stuff.

What she really needs to know is she'll never replace Riley in our hearts, unless she has a really big nose.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Her nose would have to be bigger than her tits.

We'll need pictures.

Barb May 22, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Thank you!

FakaktaSouth May 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm

W actually reminds me of every guy I went to school with. He's veeeeery Alabama frat boy – not really a bully, just an entitled brat who likes to talk shit. Mitt scares me.

prommie May 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

There isn't a one of them that doesn't scare me. Its the party of angry hate intolerance and greed. Being a republican ain't right, it ain't healthy, its a spiritual sickness.

James Michael Curley May 22, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Muffin Tops or GTFO!

Chichikovovich May 22, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Hmmm… does Mr. fuflans have a consulting business as a life coach? How many kicks in the teeth from life might I have been spared if I had had counsel of that quality.

As for the horror show job – one of the reasons I became a professor (in addition to the fact that I wanted to be one without interruption from the time I was six years old and found out what a professor was, and I love the work) is that I had enough experience with sadistic, dumb bosses to know that I had better find a line of work without a boss as such.

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