BEGUN THIS CLONE WAR HAS  9:35 am May 22, 2012

Socialists Trying To Prevent Job Creator From Selling Reagan’s Blood

by Josh Fruhlinger

Jokes on you, he never had any bloodLet us tell you an instructive moral fable: Once upon a time there was a President, America’s Greatest, who was so Great that even though a crazy person shot him, and he bled profusely, he did not die, but went to stay president for years and years and years and fix all of our problems. And all the members of the medical team that worked to save the president’s life recognized his Greatness, but in some ways they were like children, feeling the warmth of his glowing Greatness without having the intellectual equipment to understand his Message. That’s why one lab technician took home a few drops of his blood, squirreling it away to worship it dumbly like a bogus relic from some Papist saint. It took until a generation had passed before someone had the Wisdom to know what the president would have really wanted: for that blood to go up on the open market, with the Invisible Hand determining its value. Why are so many communists so determined to stop you from buying Ronald Reagan’s blood?

So there is a vial containing a few drops of Reagan-blood that a lady took from a medical lab in Columbia (with the permission of her supervisor!) in 1981, and it was the only thing the family owned that one anonymous and enterprising anonymous son wanted to inherit, because he loved Ronald Reagan, and making money, and making money from Ronald Reagan’s dried blood. But what happened when he finally tried to put this plan into operation?

About 3 to 4 months ago, I contacted the Reagan National Library and spoke to the head of the library, a Federal Agent. I told him what I had, how I came across it and so on. We spoke for about 45 minutes. The reason that I contacted the Reagan National Library was to see if they would like to purchase it from me. He indicated that if I was interested in donating it he would see to it that he would take care of all of the arrangements.

Is the head librarian at the Reagan Library really a Federal Agent? Does he, as a result, have the power to call in the Black Helicopters, who are always looking to crush freedom? Answer: apparently yes!

Prior to hanging up the phone, he said to me, do me a favor, don’t move from where you are, I will call you back within 30 minutes but I have to make a couple of phone calls to seek legal counsel, consult with National Archives, the FBI and other three or four letter agencies that I have heard of. I said am I in any kind of trouble or will there be some black cars/suv’s or helicopters hovering above my home and he said not yet but possibly in the very near future depending on what he learned from the phone calls he had to make. told him alright, I will not move from where I was sitting and would await his return call.

You have to admire this fellow’s commitment to Reaganism. After all, Ronald Reagan promised a return to law and order after the chaos of the ’60s, and helped expand the national security state, for the benefit of all mankind. If that meant that someone could be whisked away to a secret CIA torture center just for trying to sell a vial of Reagan’s blood, then so be it, he’ll just wait by the phone, waiting for the head librarian to trace the call back to his address.

He called back in 25 minutes and said that everything was ok, National Archives was not interested in what I had, nor was the Secret Service, the FBI and other agencies. Since 30 years had passed by, he thought that it was simply something that was of no importance at this time and that I was free to do with whatever I wanted with it. He then stated that he felt the family would be interested in it being returned to them and if I was interested in doing so to contact him and he would make all of the arrangements. I told him that I didn’t think that was something that I was going to consider, since I had served under Pres. Reagan when he was my Commander in Chief when I was in the ARMY from ’87-’91 and that I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that Pres. Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating it.

If there’s one thing this man’s commander-in-chief would say if he rose from the grave, it would be “Fuck my family, I never liked them. Get money, son. GET MONEY.” So he bypassed eBay, which is based in Communist California, and instead set up an auction on PFCAuctions, a site based on Guernsey, which is one of Queen Elizabeth’s private islands and is therefore not subject to human law. You can read the whole dramatic story of Reagan’s Blood there, and even put in a bid to buy it yourself, if you have $10,000 or so! Now predictably all the Reagan Foundation people are outraged, even though they had their chance to stop this from happening by buying it themselves, how is it that they don’t even understand how the market works. [PFCAUctions/Daily Telegraph]

 
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{ 138 comments }

memzilla May 22, 2012 at 9:39 am

Say, you know which other right-wing leader had a cult of blood worship built around him … ?

SharkSandwich May 22, 2012 at 9:41 am

Ted Nugent?

noodlesalad May 22, 2012 at 9:43 am

Rick Santorum? Wait, that wasn't blood…

jodyleek May 22, 2012 at 9:46 am

The Pope?

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 9:46 am

Jim Jones?

OneDollarJuana May 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

Kool Aid, duh.

RedneckMuslin May 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

Bela Lugosi?

chicken_thief May 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

Christine O'Donnell? Oh, wait…. she isn't a leader and SHE'S NOT A WITCH!

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

Geo. Washington?

Mumbletypeg May 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

Gene Simmons?

Fare la Volpe May 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

Blacula?

trampndirtdown May 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

Chuck Colston?

Chow Yun Flat May 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

Jesus?

Fare la Volpe May 22, 2012 at 9:54 am

We have a winner.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 9:57 am

Jesus wasn't right wing! Guy was all about helping the poor and stuff!

Fare la Volpe May 22, 2012 at 9:57 am

Tell that to his followers.

V572 Is this him? May 22, 2012 at 10:20 am

Actual Jebus disagreed with you in the Sermon on the Mount:

Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven…

It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 10:03 am

Vampire Jesus gave his blood for you…

Now he wants it back.

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

Moctezuma II?

OurHoboSenator May 22, 2012 at 10:15 am

Billy Bob Thornton?

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Jesus?

Oh, DAMN it!

bureaucrap May 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

Because Ronnie was all about selling things — General Electric Light bulbs, Chesterfield cigarettes, his soul…

memzilla May 22, 2012 at 9:41 am

… fellow actors…

V572 Is this him? May 22, 2012 at 10:21 am

20 Mule Team Borax!

noodlesalad May 22, 2012 at 9:41 am

Clone one for the Gipper!

Serolf_Divad May 22, 2012 at 10:44 am

Why do I suspect this swab is going to end up in some clandestine medical laboratory in Brazil?

freakishlywrong May 22, 2012 at 9:42 am

I'm bidding on this as soon as I purchase my @Reagan.com email address.

Chow Yun Flat May 22, 2012 at 9:43 am

PFCAuctions doesn't really sound that classy. You would think he would use a company with a bit of rank–Spec5Auctions maybe.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 9:44 am

I want to buy Reagan's blood, so I can develop an antidote to stupidity.

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:39 pm

For god's sake, build the electric fence FIRST!!

metamarcisf May 22, 2012 at 9:44 am

Jurassic Gore

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

More like "Bore"…

ManchuCandidate May 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

"They Cloned Raygun's Brain!"

"The Boys from Tampico"

SorosBot May 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

"I had served under Pres. Reagan when he was my Commander in Chief when I was in the ARMY from ’87-’91"

From 87 to 91? Reagan left office in 1989, how dumb could someone be to get something that basic wrong…

"I was a real fan of Reaganomics"

Oh, that dumb. Yeah really stupid.

gurukalehuru May 22, 2012 at 4:46 pm

eh, Reagan, Bush, same diff

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 9:46 am

Mitt's going to buy it, and get it transfused into his body.

NorthStarSpanx May 22, 2012 at 10:00 am

Bidding war between Mitt and Sarah Palin, she wants that blood crusted under her nails instead of from the Caribou [she supposedly butchered since she's a great Last Frontier Woman and whatnot.]

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

Nah…he's got plenty, what with the blood of jobless workers.

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Won't that get the gears all stuck together?

Fare la Volpe May 22, 2012 at 9:46 am

For fuck's sake.

These freaks are just 20 years away from worshipping Reagan's penis.

chicken_thief May 22, 2012 at 9:55 am

They'll have to go in with crow bars and floor jacks to pry it out of Nancy's mouth.

V572 Is this him? May 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

C'mon, she's not still alive, is she?

NorbertsRevenge May 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

I have fond memories of a giant diagram of the President's Prostate being discussed in great detail by experts one night on Macneil-Lehrer in the mid 80s.

"But even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked"

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 9:48 am

Not as valuable as Madonna's pap smear, though. Look, there's a pubic hair!

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 10:20 am

:::focusing microscope:::

Holy shit…Brittany Spear's panties!

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Britney.
Fun Fact: Britney's parents are named Jamie and Lynn. Their daughters are named Britney and Jamie Lynn. From this, we can conclude that they know only three names, and can't spell one of them right.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

It's like you just pasted together these bits and pieces from your "authoritative sources." I don't know. I'm beginning to suspect there's nothing really in there.

CivicHoliday May 22, 2012 at 9:48 am

I hope monsanto buys him and uses his DNA to engineer a new strain of GM sour grapes.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

I was hoping for a new line of toilet paper so I could wipe my ass with Reagan.

RedneckMuslin May 22, 2012 at 9:48 am

Right wingers need this as a lubricant to fap to.

chicken_thief May 22, 2012 at 10:41 am

What, they out of rentboy.com saliva?!

Arken May 22, 2012 at 9:48 am

The holy blood of St. Reagan is not something to be bought and sold trivially!

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 9:48 am

About 3 to 4 months ago, I contacted the Reagan National Library and spoke to the head of the library, a Federal Agent.

Errrrrrrrrrrrr, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

John Heubusch’s career has spanned politics, public service, philanthropy, and the Fortune 500.

Prior to his role as Executive Director, Mr. Heubusch served as the COO of Avalon Capital Group, Inc., a wholly owned private investment com

Guppy May 22, 2012 at 10:41 am

Nobody conflates statism and corporatism like a Regan fan.

Steverino247 May 22, 2012 at 9:48 am

As long as we tax the income made from the sale at the rates prevalent when Reagan was is office, I'm OK with this.

EatsBabyDingos May 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

Boy, Johnny Depp sure looks like shit playing Barnabus Collins.

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Meh, it's still better than he looked in the "Alice in Wonderland" remake.

Chow Yun Flat May 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

Just don't use it to clone another washed up actor who couldn't remember his lines.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

Hey! Tim Burton promised me that would never see the light of–

Oh. Um, nevermind, K?

JackDempsey1 May 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

Is there any way that we can exchange Reagan's blood for hostages? Or maybe exchange it for guns, which we could later exchange for hostages?
I have a feeling He'd want it that way.

deanbooth May 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

BLOOD LIBEL!

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 9:55 am

I'm just glad I'm not reading about this guy's mom taking a souvenir from a Reagan stool sample.

valthemus May 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

She did. It's just not for sale. Some things are truly precious.

(Besides, aren't we all dealing with Reagan's leftover shit?)

fartknocker May 22, 2012 at 9:56 am

Damn, bidding is up to about $13,200 U.S. I have a sneaky suspicion some Teajahdist is purchasing it and will donate it for another round of bidding at one of Mitten's fund raisers.

A fool and his money are soon departed.

Vecchiojohn May 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

If this guy needs money, why doesn't he just call up Obama and get on the welfare rolls in Chicago?

not that Radio May 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

We begin bleeding in five minutes…

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 10:02 am

"felt that Pres. Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating it. "

What the ever loving fuck?!

Fare la Volpe May 22, 2012 at 10:03 am

This sounds like a 30 Rock joke, only real.

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 10:14 am

Sounds like an adventure for Tracy Jordan and Kenneth the Page. Tina Fey, you listening?

Fare la Volpe May 22, 2012 at 10:19 am

They forgot a present for Jack's birthday, and what else can you get for a man who owns Reagan's burial cufflinks?

Beowoof May 22, 2012 at 10:04 am

Republican V.

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 10:05 am

I wonder what ever happened to the cancerous polyps they removed from his colon back in 1985. Those things would be worth a fortune.

Guppy May 22, 2012 at 10:44 am

They got elected to the House in 2010.

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 10:05 am

The picture of Ronnie looks kind of vampire-y. I see a future of Twilight-like right wing fanfic.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 22, 2012 at 10:32 am

Better that than "50 Shades of Grey."

PubOption May 22, 2012 at 10:55 am

Ronnie always preferred one solid shade of unnatural.

ManchuCandidate May 22, 2012 at 10:07 am

We will raise an Army of Clones. To fight off the Obamatists Droids.

And when the time is right, they will execute Order 666.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 10:12 am

Dibs on Bruce Campbell!

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 10:08 am

This man is mentally ill, no?

Chow Yun Flat May 22, 2012 at 10:23 am

Considering the standards of wingnut Amerikkka, perhaps not.

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I just always thought he was abysmally stupid, reactionary, and hiding some really mean-spirited sentiments behind that amiable smile for the cameras, but…
Oh, not Reagan; you meant the other guy.
Yes; yes, he is.

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 10:10 am

I'd like to see some Satanists buy it and use it in some ritual involving pentagrams, virgins, and black cats. Bet Cthulhu would even show up for that.

Barb May 22, 2012 at 10:11 am

As for now, I’m in control here of Reagan's blood.-

Alexander Haig

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 10:16 am

Nicely done.

Barb May 22, 2012 at 11:21 am

Thank you and good morning!

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 10:11 am

This gives new meaning to the term "trickle down."

Get the money; dollar, dollar bill, y'all.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 22, 2012 at 10:12 am

"You can't shut me down. I paid for this microphage!"

prommie May 22, 2012 at 10:12 am

Soon the GOP will be celebrating the Reagan Eucharist, eating and drinking the symbolic body and blood of Reagan and reciting the Our Reagan: Our Reagan, who art in supply-side heaven, hallowed be thy name, give us this day our tax breaks, as we cut the social programs that help the poor, and deliver us fom liberals, abortionists, and homos, thy small government come, thy military spending be done, forever and ever, amen.

proudgrampa May 22, 2012 at 10:13 am

Well, I guess this isn't any nuttier than hawking wood chips from the "True Cross," or squares of cloth from the "Turin Shroud."

Doktor StrangeZoom May 22, 2012 at 10:27 am

Mark Twain on Jerusalem's Church of the Holy Sepulchre:

Not far from here was a niche where they used to preserve a piece of the True Cross, but it is gone, now. This piece of the cross was discovered in the sixteenth century. The Latin priests say it was stolen away, long ago, by priests of another sect. That seems like a hard statement to make, but we know very well that it was stolen, because we have seen it ourselves in several of the cathedrals of Italy and France.

–The Innocents Abroad

proudgrampa May 22, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Thank you for that quote. Innocents Abroad is one of my favorite Twain books of all time.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 22, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Indeed. Thanks to that book, I know never to get a shave from a barber in Italy.

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 10:13 am

I'm not sure why the Reagan camp is so outraged at the sale of a little bit of Reagan blood. I mean, the dude sold his fucking soul, so what's a little blood compared to that?

subsum May 22, 2012 at 10:15 am

Conservatives worship Reagan the same way North Koreans have (fake) orgasms when they hear Kim Il Sung's name. Fucking sick.

Wile E. Quixote May 22, 2012 at 4:53 pm

What makes it even sicker is that the conservatives aren't faking their orgasms, and nobody is holding a gun to their heads. They're doing it of their own free will.

mrblifil May 22, 2012 at 10:16 am

It is said that when one nears death, as might occur when one is shot in the chest, the body's autonomic systems take over and there can ensue a series of involuntary actions, for instance excretion and even ejaculation. To which I respond: "Semen or GTFO."

not that Radio May 22, 2012 at 10:20 am

How much for a vial of Reagan's poop?

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:49 pm

If there is any of Raygun's semen left in existence (and I sincerely hope that there is not), it must immediately be neutralized with holy water, and then flushed.

V572 Is this him? May 22, 2012 at 10:16 am

He should have been suspicious when the Federal Agent said he'd make all the arrangements. The Federal Agent who delivers my mail is never that cooperative, and in fact he gets mad if the dog bites him.

chascates May 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

I've read that a new President gives several pints of blood which is carried in the Presidential limo or taken on board Air Force One in case surgery is needed. Someone must have Reagan's valuable emergency blood and even with the Gipper gone his blood is needed more than ever.
Think of the boost to Mitt Romney if he publicly was given a transfusion of that blood. Or the blood could be studied by scientists so as to create a vast ocean of True Conservative blood. Future candidates would pay millions for it, pundits would demand tests to ensure politicians had it coursing through their veins, and our entire society could be given a drop to make us all better Americans.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

Well, blood does deteriorate over time, and since his blood was pretty weak to begin with…I mean, just look at Michael!

Ruhe May 22, 2012 at 10:45 am

Don Delilo called and said he'd give you a grand for that idea.

mavenmaven May 22, 2012 at 10:42 am

Wow, Woody Allen's Sleeper wasn't a comedy but a prophecy!

Ruhe May 22, 2012 at 10:43 am

Anybody seen the film "Prince of Darkness"? Anybody else having weird, fuzzy "video" dreams in which a voice from the future warns them that if they open the vile of Reagan's blood bad shit will happen?

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 10:44 am

There's a Nancy Reagan BJ joke in here, somewhere, but hell if I can find it.

prommie May 22, 2012 at 11:10 am

Look at the responses to Fare le Volpe up there, there is a great one.

Chichikovovich May 22, 2012 at 10:46 am

From Australian curmudgeon David Stove, in his book The Plato Cult:

"Medieval pilgrims underwent untold hardships in order to visit religious relics (Jesus' foreskin, luckily preserved at five different places, etc. etc.) which most modern men would pay to avoid visiting, even, or rather especially, if they believed the relics to be genuine."

Though a conservative, Stove apparently never imagined the contemporary Republican.

Bezoar May 22, 2012 at 10:51 am

Actually, I have a piece of the True Cross that I could be induced to part with for a reasonable consideration.

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I'll trade it for *flourishing gesture* these magic beans.

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 10:52 am

You know, there is an insanely wealthy gentleman with amazing deficiencies in character who wouldn't mind putting in a bid for this relic…The Mittens Romney wants, nay, needs to come in contact with blood from such a powerful human being so that he may be made a "real boy."

GhostBuggy May 22, 2012 at 10:52 am

That picture up top is awesome, but we also would have accepted the ghostly visage of Reagan, hovering over the White House at night a la Lugosi over the castle.

DahBoner May 22, 2012 at 11:22 am

Just one drop of Reagan's blood will make the word "AIDS" disappear from the English language…

M. Szyslak May 22, 2012 at 11:31 am

Got some Clinton spooge fer sale (it's not exactly rare)

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 12:49 pm

"Nor flavorful" -Monica Lewinsky

bringmeanaxe May 22, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Regarding the Reagan Foundation outrage, they're simply taking to heart what Ronald Reagan always said, 'I'm all for the free market. Except when I'm not'.

Steverino247 May 22, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this blood-brain barrier!

randcoolcatdaddy May 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Hmm… I'm seeing a business opportunity here. A new shrine … errr … museum in Branson, Missouri….

Stevola May 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I hate when black cars and SUVs hover overhead

HistoriBarb May 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm

OK – which of you wiseasses works for Woot? Their twitter account is now mentioning the blood auction.

YasserArraFeck May 22, 2012 at 1:24 pm

This could keep Dick Cheney alive for eternity. Destroy it now!!!

Nostrildamus May 22, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Isn't blood a vegetable?

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

If this guy gets a hold of some frog DNA, we are all well and truly fucked.

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:37 pm

"I had served under Pres. Reagan when he was my Commander in Chief when I was in the ARMY from ’87-’91"

Reagan never served in the military; in later years, he lied about having had military service:
http://www.salon.com/2010/05/20/bushreagan/
Just sayin'.

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Now then, how much for a drop of Keith Richards' blood?

didgen May 22, 2012 at 2:58 pm

"I was free to do with whatever I wanted with it. " Indubitably.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 22, 2012 at 3:03 pm

And Dick Cheney thought he had drunk all of it.

whatupirondog May 22, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Remember this story the next time a tape surfaces of a group of children discussing Obama's presidency and all the right-wing blogs call it "creepy indoctrination".

Dr. Nick Riviera May 22, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I'd buy it simply so I could clone him so in 45 or so years people would remember what an utter joke he was and not the myth they've made him out to be.

PubOption May 22, 2012 at 7:34 pm

This story came up on the CBS evening news. When they showed the tube containing the sample/relic, the caption at the top of the screen read 'Blood Vile'. Spelling error or editorial comment?

ttommyunger May 22, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Indeed; and one of his largest and smelliest turds is on the radio every day on the West Coast, but nobody wants it, either.

OneDollarJuana May 22, 2012 at 9:59 am

And don't leave out the bit about cannibalism. Literally.

actor212 May 22, 2012 at 10:13 am

Right, like you've never nommed a man before…

prommie May 22, 2012 at 10:46 am

Jesus Christ, I unintentionall blasphemed! But of course, there is nothing "symbolic" about the eucharist at all, what was I thinking.

prommie May 22, 2012 at 11:01 am

Thats it! I am changing the band name again, to "Unintentional Blasphemy."

tessiee May 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Or, his acolytes could turn the flesh and blood of the poor into cannon fodder…
oh, wait.

Skullfry Buddha May 22, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Agreed…or maybe via this method.

MosesInvests May 22, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Cardinal Fang! Bring out the comfy chair!

YasserArraFeck May 22, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Gipper!!!

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