begun this clone war has

Socialists Trying To Prevent Job Creator From Selling Reagan’s Blood

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Jokes on you, he never had any bloodLet us tell you an instructive moral fable: Once upon a time there was a President, America’s Greatest, who was so Great that even though a crazy person shot him, and he bled profusely, he did not die, but went to stay president for years and years and years and fix all of our problems. And all the members of the medical team that worked to save the president’s life recognized his Greatness, but in some ways they were like children, feeling the warmth of his glowing Greatness without having the intellectual equipment to understand his Message. That’s why one lab technician took home a few drops of his blood, squirreling it away to worship it dumbly like a bogus relic from some Papist saint. It took until a generation had passed before someone had the Wisdom to know what the president would have really wanted: for that blood to go up on the open market, with the Invisible Hand determining its value. Why are so many communists so determined to stop you from buying Ronald Reagan’s blood?

So there is a vial containing a few drops of Reagan-blood that a lady took from a medical lab in Columbia (with the permission of her supervisor!) in 1981, and it was the only thing the family owned that one anonymous and enterprising anonymous son wanted to inherit, because he loved Ronald Reagan, and making money, and making money from Ronald Reagan’s dried blood. But what happened when he finally tried to put this plan into operation?

About 3 to 4 months ago, I contacted the Reagan National Library and spoke to the head of the library, a Federal Agent. I told him what I had, how I came across it and so on. We spoke for about 45 minutes. The reason that I contacted the Reagan National Library was to see if they would like to purchase it from me. He indicated that if I was interested in donating it he would see to it that he would take care of all of the arrangements.

Is the head librarian at the Reagan Library really a Federal Agent? Does he, as a result, have the power to call in the Black Helicopters, who are always looking to crush freedom? Answer: apparently yes!

Prior to hanging up the phone, he said to me, do me a favor, don’t move from where you are, I will call you back within 30 minutes but I have to make a couple of phone calls to seek legal counsel, consult with National Archives, the FBI and other three or four letter agencies that I have heard of. I said am I in any kind of trouble or will there be some black cars/suv’s or helicopters hovering above my home and he said not yet but possibly in the very near future depending on what he learned from the phone calls he had to make. told him alright, I will not move from where I was sitting and would await his return call.

You have to admire this fellow’s commitment to Reaganism. After all, Ronald Reagan promised a return to law and order after the chaos of the ’60s, and helped expand the national security state, for the benefit of all mankind. If that meant that someone could be whisked away to a secret CIA torture center just for trying to sell a vial of Reagan’s blood, then so be it, he’ll just wait by the phone, waiting for the head librarian to trace the call back to his address.

He called back in 25 minutes and said that everything was ok, National Archives was not interested in what I had, nor was the Secret Service, the FBI and other agencies. Since 30 years had passed by, he thought that it was simply something that was of no importance at this time and that I was free to do with whatever I wanted with it. He then stated that he felt the family would be interested in it being returned to them and if I was interested in doing so to contact him and he would make all of the arrangements. I told him that I didn’t think that was something that I was going to consider, since I had served under Pres. Reagan when he was my Commander in Chief when I was in the ARMY from ’87-’91 and that I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that Pres. Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating it.

If there’s one thing this man’s commander-in-chief would say if he rose from the grave, it would be “Fuck my family, I never liked them. Get money, son. GET MONEY.” So he bypassed eBay, which is based in Communist California, and instead set up an auction on PFCAuctions, a site based on Guernsey, which is one of Queen Elizabeth’s private islands and is therefore not subject to human law. You can read the whole dramatic story of Reagan’s Blood there, and even put in a bid to buy it yourself, if you have $10,000 or so! Now predictably all the Reagan Foundation people are outraged, even though they had their chance to stop this from happening by buying it themselves, how is it that they don’t even understand how the market works. [PFCAUctions/Daily Telegraph]

Sponsored Intermission

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • memzilla

    Say, you know which other right-wing leader had a cult of blood worship built around him … ?

    • SharkSandwich

      Ted Nugent?

    • noodlesalad

      Rick Santorum? Wait, that wasn't blood…

    • jodyleek

      The Pope?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Jim Jones?

      • OneDollarJuana

        Kool Aid, duh.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Bela Lugosi?

    • chicken_thief

      Christine O'Donnell? Oh, wait…. she isn't a leader and SHE'S NOT A WITCH!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Geo. Washington?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Gene Simmons?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Blacula?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Chuck Colston?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      Jesus?

      • Fare la Volpe

        We have a winner.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Jesus wasn't right wing! Guy was all about helping the poor and stuff!

          • Fare la Volpe

            Tell that to his followers.

          • OneDollarJuana

            And don't leave out the bit about cannibalism. Literally.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Right, like you've never nommed a man before…

          • V572 Is this him?

            Actual Jebus disagreed with you in the Sermon on the Mount:

            Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven…

            It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

      • Skullfry Buddha

        Vampire Jesus gave his blood for you…

        Now he wants it back.

    • Negropolis

      Moctezuma II?

    • OurHoboSenator

      Billy Bob Thornton?

    • tessiee

      Jesus?

      Oh, DAMN it!

  • bureaucrap

    Because Ronnie was all about selling things — General Electric Light bulbs, Chesterfield cigarettes, his soul…

    • memzilla

      … fellow actors…

    • V572 Is this him?

      20 Mule Team Borax!

  • noodlesalad

    Clone one for the Gipper!

    • Serolf_Divad

      Why do I suspect this swab is going to end up in some clandestine medical laboratory in Brazil?

  • freakishlywrong

    I'm bidding on this as soon as I purchase my @Reagan.com email address.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    PFCAuctions doesn't really sound that classy. You would think he would use a company with a bit of rank–Spec5Auctions maybe.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I want to buy Reagan's blood, so I can develop an antidote to stupidity.

    • tessiee

      For god's sake, build the electric fence FIRST!!

  • metamarcisf

    Jurassic Gore

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      More like "Bore"…

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    "They Cloned Raygun's Brain!"

    "The Boys from Tampico"

  • SorosBot

    "I had served under Pres. Reagan when he was my Commander in Chief when I was in the ARMY from ’87-’91"

    From 87 to 91? Reagan left office in 1989, how dumb could someone be to get something that basic wrong…

    "I was a real fan of Reaganomics"

    Oh, that dumb. Yeah really stupid.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      eh, Reagan, Bush, same diff

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Mitt's going to buy it, and get it transfused into his body.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Bidding war between Mitt and Sarah Palin, she wants that blood crusted under her nails instead of from the Caribou [she supposedly butchered since she's a great Last Frontier Woman and whatnot.]

    • Skullfry Buddha

      Nah…he's got plenty, what with the blood of jobless workers.

    • tessiee

      Won't that get the gears all stuck together?

  • Fare la Volpe

    For fuck's sake.

    These freaks are just 20 years away from worshipping Reagan's penis.

    • chicken_thief

      They'll have to go in with crow bars and floor jacks to pry it out of Nancy's mouth.

      • V572 Is this him?

        C'mon, she's not still alive, is she?

    • http://wonkette.com NorbertsRevenge

      I have fond memories of a giant diagram of the President's Prostate being discussed in great detail by experts one night on Macneil-Lehrer in the mid 80s.

      "But even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Not as valuable as Madonna's pap smear, though. Look, there's a pubic hair!

    • Skullfry Buddha

      :::focusing microscope:::

      Holy shit…Brittany Spear's panties!

      • tessiee

        Britney.
        Fun Fact: Britney's parents are named Jamie and Lynn. Their daughters are named Britney and Jamie Lynn. From this, we can conclude that they know only three names, and can't spell one of them right.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      It's like you just pasted together these bits and pieces from your "authoritative sources." I don't know. I'm beginning to suspect there's nothing really in there.

  • CivicHoliday

    I hope monsanto buys him and uses his DNA to engineer a new strain of GM sour grapes.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I was hoping for a new line of toilet paper so I could wipe my ass with Reagan.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Right wingers need this as a lubricant to fap to.

    • chicken_thief

      What, they out of rentboy.com saliva?!

  • Arken

    The holy blood of St. Reagan is not something to be bought and sold trivially!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    About 3 to 4 months ago, I contacted the Reagan National Library and spoke to the head of the library, a Federal Agent.

    Errrrrrrrrrrrr, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

    John Heubusch’s career has spanned politics, public service, philanthropy, and the Fortune 500.

    Prior to his role as Executive Director, Mr. Heubusch served as the COO of Avalon Capital Group, Inc., a wholly owned private investment com

    • Guppy

      Nobody conflates statism and corporatism like a Regan fan.

  • Steverino247

    As long as we tax the income made from the sale at the rates prevalent when Reagan was is office, I'm OK with this.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Boy, Johnny Depp sure looks like shit playing Barnabus Collins.

    • tessiee

      Meh, it's still better than he looked in the "Alice in Wonderland" remake.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Just don't use it to clone another washed up actor who couldn't remember his lines.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hey! Tim Burton promised me that would never see the light of–

      Oh. Um, nevermind, K?

  • JackDempsey1

    Is there any way that we can exchange Reagan's blood for hostages? Or maybe exchange it for guns, which we could later exchange for hostages?
    I have a feeling He'd want it that way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    BLOOD LIBEL!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm just glad I'm not reading about this guy's mom taking a souvenir from a Reagan stool sample.

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      She did. It's just not for sale. Some things are truly precious.

      (Besides, aren't we all dealing with Reagan's leftover shit?)

  • fartknocker

    Damn, bidding is up to about $13,200 U.S. I have a sneaky suspicion some Teajahdist is purchasing it and will donate it for another round of bidding at one of Mitten's fund raisers.

    A fool and his money are soon departed.

  • Vecchiojohn

    If this guy needs money, why doesn't he just call up Obama and get on the welfare rolls in Chicago?

  • not that Radio

    We begin bleeding in five minutes…

  • Skullfry Buddha

    "felt that Pres. Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating it. "

    What the ever loving fuck?!

  • Fare la Volpe

    This sounds like a 30 Rock joke, only real.

    • Negropolis

      Sounds like an adventure for Tracy Jordan and Kenneth the Page. Tina Fey, you listening?

      • Fare la Volpe

        They forgot a present for Jack's birthday, and what else can you get for a man who owns Reagan's burial cufflinks?

  • Beowoof

    Republican V.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder what ever happened to the cancerous polyps they removed from his colon back in 1985. Those things would be worth a fortune.

    • Guppy

      They got elected to the House in 2010.

  • Skullfry Buddha

    The picture of Ronnie looks kind of vampire-y. I see a future of Twilight-like right wing fanfic.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Better that than "50 Shades of Grey."

      • PubOption

        Ronnie always preferred one solid shade of unnatural.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    We will raise an Army of Clones. To fight off the Obamatists Droids.

    And when the time is right, they will execute Order 666.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Dibs on Bruce Campbell!

  • Negropolis

    This man is mentally ill, no?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      Considering the standards of wingnut Amerikkka, perhaps not.

    • tessiee

      I just always thought he was abysmally stupid, reactionary, and hiding some really mean-spirited sentiments behind that amiable smile for the cameras, but…
      Oh, not Reagan; you meant the other guy.
      Yes; yes, he is.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd like to see some Satanists buy it and use it in some ritual involving pentagrams, virgins, and black cats. Bet Cthulhu would even show up for that.

  • Barb

    As for now, I’m in control here of Reagan's blood.-

    Alexander Haig

    • Skullfry Buddha

      Nicely done.

      • Barb

        Thank you and good morning!

  • Negropolis

    This gives new meaning to the term "trickle down."

    Get the money; dollar, dollar bill, y'all.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    "You can't shut me down. I paid for this microphage!"

  • prommie

    Soon the GOP will be celebrating the Reagan Eucharist, eating and drinking the symbolic body and blood of Reagan and reciting the Our Reagan: Our Reagan, who art in supply-side heaven, hallowed be thy name, give us this day our tax breaks, as we cut the social programs that help the poor, and deliver us fom liberals, abortionists, and homos, thy small government come, thy military spending be done, forever and ever, amen.

  • proudgrampa

    Well, I guess this isn't any nuttier than hawking wood chips from the "True Cross," or squares of cloth from the "Turin Shroud."

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Mark Twain on Jerusalem's Church of the Holy Sepulchre:

      Not far from here was a niche where they used to preserve a piece of the True Cross, but it is gone, now. This piece of the cross was discovered in the sixteenth century. The Latin priests say it was stolen away, long ago, by priests of another sect. That seems like a hard statement to make, but we know very well that it was stolen, because we have seen it ourselves in several of the cathedrals of Italy and France.

      –The Innocents Abroad

      • proudgrampa

        Thank you for that quote. Innocents Abroad is one of my favorite Twain books of all time.

        • Doktor StrangeZoom

          Indeed. Thanks to that book, I know never to get a shave from a barber in Italy.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm not sure why the Reagan camp is so outraged at the sale of a little bit of Reagan blood. I mean, the dude sold his fucking soul, so what's a little blood compared to that?

  • subsum

    Conservatives worship Reagan the same way North Koreans have (fake) orgasms when they hear Kim Il Sung's name. Fucking sick.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      What makes it even sicker is that the conservatives aren't faking their orgasms, and nobody is holding a gun to their heads. They're doing it of their own free will.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    It is said that when one nears death, as might occur when one is shot in the chest, the body's autonomic systems take over and there can ensue a series of involuntary actions, for instance excretion and even ejaculation. To which I respond: "Semen or GTFO."

    • not that Radio

      How much for a vial of Reagan's poop?

    • tessiee

      If there is any of Raygun's semen left in existence (and I sincerely hope that there is not), it must immediately be neutralized with holy water, and then flushed.

  • V572 Is this him?

    He should have been suspicious when the Federal Agent said he'd make all the arrangements. The Federal Agent who delivers my mail is never that cooperative, and in fact he gets mad if the dog bites him.

  • chascates

    I've read that a new President gives several pints of blood which is carried in the Presidential limo or taken on board Air Force One in case surgery is needed. Someone must have Reagan's valuable emergency blood and even with the Gipper gone his blood is needed more than ever.
    Think of the boost to Mitt Romney if he publicly was given a transfusion of that blood. Or the blood could be studied by scientists so as to create a vast ocean of True Conservative blood. Future candidates would pay millions for it, pundits would demand tests to ensure politicians had it coursing through their veins, and our entire society could be given a drop to make us all better Americans.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, blood does deteriorate over time, and since his blood was pretty weak to begin with…I mean, just look at Michael!

    • Ruhe

      Don Delilo called and said he'd give you a grand for that idea.

  • mavenmaven

    Wow, Woody Allen's Sleeper wasn't a comedy but a prophecy!

  • Ruhe

    Anybody seen the film "Prince of Darkness"? Anybody else having weird, fuzzy "video" dreams in which a voice from the future warns them that if they open the vile of Reagan's blood bad shit will happen?

  • Negropolis

    There's a Nancy Reagan BJ joke in here, somewhere, but hell if I can find it.

    • prommie

      Look at the responses to Fare le Volpe up there, there is a great one.

  • Chichikovovich

    From Australian curmudgeon David Stove, in his book The Plato Cult:

    "Medieval pilgrims underwent untold hardships in order to visit religious relics (Jesus' foreskin, luckily preserved at five different places, etc. etc.) which most modern men would pay to avoid visiting, even, or rather especially, if they believed the relics to be genuine."

    Though a conservative, Stove apparently never imagined the contemporary Republican.

  • Bezoar

    Actually, I have a piece of the True Cross that I could be induced to part with for a reasonable consideration.

    • tessiee

      I'll trade it for *flourishing gesture* these magic beans.

  • Negropolis

    You know, there is an insanely wealthy gentleman with amazing deficiencies in character who wouldn't mind putting in a bid for this relic…The Mittens Romney wants, nay, needs to come in contact with blood from such a powerful human being so that he may be made a "real boy."

  • GhostBuggy

    That picture up top is awesome, but we also would have accepted the ghostly visage of Reagan, hovering over the White House at night a la Lugosi over the castle.

  • DahBoner

    Just one drop of Reagan's blood will make the word "AIDS" disappear from the English language…

  • M. Szyslak

    Got some Clinton spooge fer sale (it's not exactly rare)

    • Skullfry Buddha

      "Nor flavorful" -Monica Lewinsky

  • bringmeanaxe

    Regarding the Reagan Foundation outrage, they're simply taking to heart what Ronald Reagan always said, 'I'm all for the free market. Except when I'm not'.

  • Steverino247

    Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this blood-brain barrier!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Hmm… I'm seeing a business opportunity here. A new shrine … errr … museum in Branson, Missouri….

  • Stevola

    I hate when black cars and SUVs hover overhead

  • HistoriBarb

    OK – which of you wiseasses works for Woot? Their twitter account is now mentioning the blood auction.

  • YasserArraFeck

    This could keep Dick Cheney alive for eternity. Destroy it now!!!

  • Nostrildamus

    Isn't blood a vegetable?

  • tessiee

    If this guy gets a hold of some frog DNA, we are all well and truly fucked.

  • tessiee

    "I had served under Pres. Reagan when he was my Commander in Chief when I was in the ARMY from ’87-’91"

    Reagan never served in the military; in later years, he lied about having had military service:
    http://www.salon.com/2010/05/20/bushreagan/
    Just sayin'.

  • tessiee

    Now then, how much for a drop of Keith Richards' blood?

  • didgen

    "I was free to do with whatever I wanted with it. " Indubitably.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And Dick Cheney thought he had drunk all of it.

  • whatupirondog

    Remember this story the next time a tape surfaces of a group of children discussing Obama's presidency and all the right-wing blogs call it "creepy indoctrination".

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    I'd buy it simply so I could clone him so in 45 or so years people would remember what an utter joke he was and not the myth they've made him out to be.

  • PubOption

    This story came up on the CBS evening news. When they showed the tube containing the sample/relic, the caption at the top of the screen read 'Blood Vile'. Spelling error or editorial comment?

  • ttommyunger

    Indeed; and one of his largest and smelliest turds is on the radio every day on the West Coast, but nobody wants it, either.

  • prommie

    Jesus Christ, I unintentionall blasphemed! But of course, there is nothing "symbolic" about the eucharist at all, what was I thinking.

  • prommie

    Thats it! I am changing the band name again, to "Unintentional Blasphemy."

  • tessiee

    Or, his acolytes could turn the flesh and blood of the poor into cannon fodder…
    oh, wait.

  • Skullfry Buddha

    Agreed…or maybe via this method.

  • MosesInvests

    Cardinal Fang! Bring out the comfy chair!

  • YasserArraFeck

    "Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Gipper!!!