NO RESERVATIONS  6:43 pm May 21, 2012

Bad Boy Chef-Trotter Tony Bourdain Will Fry Up Dick Cheney’s Skull And Sodomize Him With It

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

rum sodomy and the lashMan, bad boy cheftrotter Tony Bourdain (your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover) will eat anything. There he always is, puking his way around Rangoon or whatever, eating turd hash on a salad of gravel and smiling wanly at his eager hosts. But what would he most like to eat? THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, in this case one Mr. Richard “Dick” Cheney, and he is “the most dangerous” because of how he shoots people in the face (and also entire countries, you know how it is, you can’t be the most powerful man in the world without breaking a few Iraqis). Wonkette operative SayItWithWookies sent us this HuffPo post, on eating Dick Cheney’s wang*, so we could end our day with a smile! Thanks, SayItWithWookies, but not bloody likely.

So, easily impressed unnamed HuffPo writer, did Tony Bourdain say anything bad-boyish at this Great Cowabunga Festival Or Something Or Other?

He also had some rather practical thoughts on the subject on cannibalism. An audience member posed a bizarre hypothetical situation: if he and Bourdain were trapped in a cave, would Bourdain eat him? “F*ck yeah,” Bourdain said without hesitation. He added that if they were trapped on a boat with a bunch of his chef friends and this guy wasn’t pulling his weight, he would have no problem cooking him as a slow braise. Bourdain was asked straight up if he would eat a human. “Yes, yes, I f*cking would.” It wouldn’t be his first option though — he’d eat a bag of Doritos first.

When someone later asked Bourdain which person he would most like to deep fry, he had a detailed idea. First, he would waterboard Dick Cheney. Then he would deep fry his head, f*ck him up the ass and then he’d cook him. Whoa.

wangWhoa indeed, unnamed HuffPo writer. Whoa indeed.

*We originally read this post as Tony Bourdain frying and eating Dick Cheney’s wang, which was INCORRECT. No, he would fry his skull — better for fucking! — before shoving it up his ass. We regret that Mr. Bourdain erred. [HuffPo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 93 comments }

nounverb911 May 21, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Aren't Cheneys high in cholesterol and trans-fats?

supernoun May 21, 2012 at 6:47 pm

That's what makes them so delicious, y'see

memzilla May 21, 2012 at 6:49 pm

The cholesterol has been renditioned to a secret non-disclosed location, and the trans-fats…. well, you go to dinner with the trans-fats you have, not the trans-fats you wished you had.

anniegetyerfun May 21, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Like foie gras.

nounverb911 May 21, 2012 at 6:57 pm

What do they force feed Cheney to get his liver so fatty?

BaldarTFlagass May 21, 2012 at 7:00 pm

The hearts of Iraqi children. But there is no "force" involved.

nounverb911 May 21, 2012 at 6:48 pm

So Skullfrying someone is allowed now?

radio-of-owls May 21, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Doesn't seem to have triggered a negative response.

DashBarb Buddha May 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm

What about deep skullfrying? Slow, deep, satisfying skullfrying.

flamingpdog May 21, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Does this mean rule #2 has been skull-fucked forever?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Don't be retarded.

Mittens Howell, III May 21, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Dick Cheney is offal.

memzilla May 21, 2012 at 6:53 pm

So, treif?

memzilla May 21, 2012 at 6:50 pm

"First, he would waterboard Dick Cheney. Then he would deep fry his head, f*ck him up the ass and then he’d cook him."

Must I be the first make the obligatory "with some fava beans and a nice Chianti" post?

Yes… yes, I must.

flamingpdog May 21, 2012 at 7:06 pm

And a cup of T.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 21, 2012 at 11:34 pm

I wish I had more upthumbs for the obscurity degree of difficulty.

Gratuitous World May 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Underground-Death-Lair-to-Table is the next big thing.

Schmannnity May 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Better go for the heart first; it's relatively fresh and unpolluted.

Geminisunmars May 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

But the surgeon probably spat in it.

Mittens Howell, III May 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Poor Dick Cheney, bless his little stolen child-heart.

ChilLysol May 21, 2012 at 6:52 pm

I love Anthony (for all the reasons most people hate him), but I think I would rather eat my own shit than eat Cheney.

BerkeleyBear May 21, 2012 at 7:27 pm

But that wasn't an option in the scenario. I'm pretty sure Tony would take a similar approach given the choice.

valthemus May 22, 2012 at 2:17 am

I hate Anthony (for all the reasons most people hate him) but I think I hate him less now.

weejee May 21, 2012 at 6:52 pm

When it comes to Donner, Tony's blitzen.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2012 at 6:53 pm

But, if you eat Dick Cheney's skull, or skullfuck it for that matter, won't you be overtaken by the dark powers that reside within?

CrankyLttlCamperette May 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

There can be only one?

Tundra Grifter May 21, 2012 at 6:53 pm

"…(your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover)…"

I guess it isn't bragging if you can back it up.

MissTaken May 21, 2012 at 6:54 pm

I'm cool with waterboarding and deep-frying Cheney's head, but I have to draw the line at fucking him up the ass. I imagine Cheney's colon is so completely constipated with the remains of tender babies that no amount of lube could get a human penis inside, much less Bourdain's which I'm sure is on the more endowed side of the penis spectrum.

LionHeartSoyDog May 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Maybe a semi-colon, if that, but that colostomy bag has got to be too toxic for mortals.

Barb May 21, 2012 at 6:54 pm

What do cannibal Celebrity chefs make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.

flamingpdog May 21, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Pate de fois gross.

Mittens Howell, III May 21, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Who's dick will Ted Nugent want to suck over this outrage?

Beowoof May 21, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Normally his own but it's not nearly long enough.

Butch_Wagstaff May 21, 2012 at 7:54 pm

I'm sure he tried, though. But even his own dick didn't want to be sucked by him. It probably grabbed a knife and cut itself off from the rest of him.

BaldarTFlagass May 21, 2012 at 6:55 pm

I wouldn't. The evil spirit that inhabits The Cheney might transmigrate into me. Nooooo!

memzilla May 21, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Also, the Laughing Sickness, too.

sbj1964 May 21, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Dick Cheney is now more machine than he is man.Feel the power of Darkside of the force! I find your lack of faith disturbing.Choke,Choke!

CapnFatback May 21, 2012 at 6:56 pm

What color wine goes with souless, war-profiteering vampire?

Schmannnity May 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Black

nounverb911 May 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Blood red?

smokefilledroommate May 22, 2012 at 1:28 am

Yeah, sanguine.

rickmaci May 21, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Anything German.

flamingpdog May 21, 2012 at 7:16 pm

For chickenhawks like Cheney, I go with a vin jaune.

axmxz May 21, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Dick is not good eats.

Butch_Wagstaff May 21, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Depends of what kind of dick ya mean.

axmxz May 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Unless you're a German cannibal, no dick is good eats.

Butch_Wagstaff May 21, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I don't mean literally eating dick! Gah!

chascates May 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm

There is the danger of Mad Neocon Disease.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 21, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Only if they eat their own.

elfgoldsackring May 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Ah, no, I'm OK with starvation, thanks.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 21, 2012 at 7:00 pm

That colostomy bag is not for sauce, he posited.
~

bagofmice May 21, 2012 at 7:06 pm

It may be the only way to inject humanity into the man.

Fairtackle May 21, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I have no snarky comments for this story because I find myself suffused with a warm glow and a sappy smile on my face.

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 7:03 pm

We're supposed to taste like pork, right?

flamingpdog May 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Kermit the Frog's middle finger, too.

GhostBuggy May 21, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Bourdain could keep the leftovers in a man-sized freezer.

demmother May 21, 2012 at 7:05 pm

This gives a new meaning to pink slime

Beowoof May 21, 2012 at 7:09 pm

While not wishing to dine on Dick myself, I would watch joyfully while some hyenas picked bones clean.

Mumbletypeg May 21, 2012 at 7:09 pm

For once, I really would like to know the answer to that interminably annoying emo-journo question: How does this make Dick feel, going out of the frying pan and into Bourdain's gaping maw?
Like cannelloni I imagine.

rickmaci May 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Looking at the pic made me wonder if IckyDickey was talking with a woman he was happy to see or if that was just his colostomy bag riding up.

Callyson May 21, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Yeah, the thought of Dick Cheney entering my body in any way, shape, or form is a natural appetite suppressant. Thanks for helping me to stick with the diet, Tony!

johnnymeatworth May 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Just don't eat the heart pump. It's bad for your teeth.

Butch_Wagstaff May 21, 2012 at 7:13 pm

But would he eat Paula Deen? I bet she'd taste of nothing but buttah and Type 2 Diabetes medication.

WhatTheHeck May 21, 2012 at 7:16 pm

The trouble with cooking Dick, is you would have to dress the carcass first and that would not be p a pleasant sight. Then you would have to remove all the bile and that might take a very long time. But the one thing that would make the meat unpalatable would be all the years of him loving war which would leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

BerkeleyBear May 21, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Probably up there with rotting Greenland shark on the appetizing scale. Which Bourdain has eaten.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 21, 2012 at 11:40 pm

I would think it would be a cross between soaking kidneys in milk to remove that uric "tang" and fermenting meat in brine, like my relatives do at the holidays. I mean, eventually you might get something palatable. But I'd feed it to the relatives first.

M. Bouffant May 21, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Day 1: New Read the Internet & Lose Weight Diet going smoothly so far.

Like a boa constrictor, I may not eat anything else for a wk. or two until this bolus is completely digested. GAAAAAAHH!!!

ThundercatHo May 21, 2012 at 8:25 pm

I'll help you out with one of my RTI&LWD faves: Billy Ray Cyrus' flavor-saver. Ooh, here's another one: Picture my mom, who's 83, giving a blowjob to her new husband…and swallowing.

BlueStateLibel May 21, 2012 at 7:21 pm

In this one post our editrix just broke nearly every rule under which we have been so sorely oppressed since the regime change. I guess the legal weasels would point out that Dick Cheney is not human, nor is he technically alive, hence no rules have been broken.

calliecallie May 21, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Speaking of eating Dick…

Bourdain said that he has never before sexted but if you are really interested in seeing a picture of his junk, you can find it at TMZ.

sati_demise May 21, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I do not eat CAFO meat, so would have to pass on the Cheney serving.

too many steroids, toxic metals & antibiotics.

StarsUponThars May 21, 2012 at 7:31 pm

REALLY wish I hadn't looked at that photo of Dick's low-hanging nutsack.

Come here a minute May 21, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Oh, don't worry, it's probably just a poop bag.

Skullfry Buddha May 21, 2012 at 8:24 pm

That's what I thought. It's either his nutsack, or he Depends burst like the belly of a zombie in a daycare.

Nostrildamus May 21, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Tony Bourdain is a true American hero.

PuglyDoRight May 21, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I love Tony Bourdain and I'm a vegetarian. At least he doesn't waste anything.

SnarkoMarx May 21, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Somehow Cheney seems more like something that sick fuck Andrew Zimmern would eat.

SaintRond May 21, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Makes sense to me. Does it make sense to you?

Jeri 2.0 May 21, 2012 at 8:28 pm

"No, he would fry his skull — better for fucking! — before shoving it up his ass," and this dish would be known as turddicken.

MiniMencken May 21, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Ah, a lad after me own heart!

ttommyunger May 21, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Eating Cheney? Talk about putting the cart before the hearse. Usually something does not become shit until after it has been eaten. BTW, I fucking hate food shows, cooking shows, musicians, artists and chefs. Everybody else I just intensely dislike.

ColonelDoctor May 21, 2012 at 8:51 pm

What is in his pants? The corpse of an Iraqi baby?

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2012 at 1:27 am

Nobody knew it at the time, but that's actually South Ossetia.

fuflans May 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

huh. if only i had had children i would have been able to brag to my grandchildren that i had been there – in real time – for the legendary cheney cannibalism post.

oh well.

mavenmaven May 21, 2012 at 10:41 pm

No blender for Cheney?

SayItWithWookies May 21, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Oh I'm bummed I was out injuring myself while my beloved editrix posted this horror-inducing tip. I don't know much about Anthony Bourdain, but in a world where we all lose someone we love, we can at least eat someone we hate, right? Uh — right? Anyone. Okay, maybe my friends were right to be upset with me for digging up Danny Kaye — but seriously, he tasted way better than he sang.

iburl May 22, 2012 at 12:36 am

I'd sooner eat an actual rat.

Pat_Pending May 22, 2012 at 1:45 am

I suddenly feel the need to re-watch The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 2:25 am

Paula Deen libel!

No, but really, Anthony is someone you either love or you hate, and I happen to hate him.

sullivanst May 22, 2012 at 8:35 am

I have a new man-crush!

Hopefully this doesn't lead to me being crushed… in a meat grinder.

notanncoulter May 22, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Needs.
Moar.
Caramelized Shallots.

BZ1 May 22, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Was there a joke in there somewhere??

BarackMyWorld May 24, 2012 at 7:03 am

Tony Bourdain (your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover) will eat anything.

A LITTLE TOO MUCH INFORMATION THANKS.

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