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Bad Boy Chef-Trotter Tony Bourdain Will Fry Up Dick Cheney’s Skull And Sodomize Him With It

rum sodomy and the lashMan, bad boy cheftrotter Tony Bourdain (your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover) will eat anything. There he always is, puking his way around Rangoon or whatever, eating turd hash on a salad of gravel and smiling wanly at his eager hosts. But what would he most like to eat? THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, in this case one Mr. Richard “Dick” Cheney, and he is “the most dangerous” because of how he shoots people in the face (and also entire countries, you know how it is, you can’t be the most powerful man in the world without breaking a few Iraqis). Wonkette operative SayItWithWookies sent us this HuffPo post, on eating Dick Cheney’s wang*, so we could end our day with a smile! Thanks, SayItWithWookies, but not bloody likely.

So, easily impressed unnamed HuffPo writer, did Tony Bourdain say anything bad-boyish at this Great Cowabunga Festival Or Something Or Other?

He also had some rather practical thoughts on the subject on cannibalism. An audience member posed a bizarre hypothetical situation: if he and Bourdain were trapped in a cave, would Bourdain eat him? “F*ck yeah,” Bourdain said without hesitation. He added that if they were trapped on a boat with a bunch of his chef friends and this guy wasn’t pulling his weight, he would have no problem cooking him as a slow braise. Bourdain was asked straight up if he would eat a human. “Yes, yes, I f*cking would.” It wouldn’t be his first option though — he’d eat a bag of Doritos first.

When someone later asked Bourdain which person he would most like to deep fry, he had a detailed idea. First, he would waterboard Dick Cheney. Then he would deep fry his head, f*ck him up the ass and then he’d cook him. Whoa.

wangWhoa indeed, unnamed HuffPo writer. Whoa indeed.

*We originally read this post as Tony Bourdain frying and eating Dick Cheney’s wang, which was INCORRECT. No, he would fry his skull — better for fucking! — before shoving it up his ass. We regret that Mr. Bourdain erred. [HuffPo]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  • nounverb911

    Aren't Cheneys high in cholesterol and trans-fats?

    • supernoun

      That's what makes them so delicious, y'see

    • memzilla

      The cholesterol has been renditioned to a secret non-disclosed location, and the trans-fats…. well, you go to dinner with the trans-fats you have, not the trans-fats you wished you had.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Like foie gras.

      • nounverb911

        What do they force feed Cheney to get his liver so fatty?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          The hearts of Iraqi children. But there is no "force" involved.

  • nounverb911

    So Skullfrying someone is allowed now?

    • radio-of-owls

      Doesn't seem to have triggered a negative response.

    • DashBarb Buddha

      What about deep skullfrying? Slow, deep, satisfying skullfrying.

  • flamingpdog

    Does this mean rule #2 has been skull-fucked forever?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Don't be retarded.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Dick Cheney is offal.

    • memzilla

      So, treif?

  • memzilla

    "First, he would waterboard Dick Cheney. Then he would deep fry his head, f*ck him up the ass and then he’d cook him."

    Must I be the first make the obligatory "with some fava beans and a nice Chianti" post?

    Yes… yes, I must.

    • flamingpdog

      And a cup of T.

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        I wish I had more upthumbs for the obscurity degree of difficulty.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Underground-Death-Lair-to-Table is the next big thing.

  • Schmannnity

    Better go for the heart first; it's relatively fresh and unpolluted.

    • Geminisunmars

      But the surgeon probably spat in it.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Poor Dick Cheney, bless his little stolen child-heart.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChilLysol

    I love Anthony (for all the reasons most people hate him), but I think I would rather eat my own shit than eat Cheney.

    • BerkeleyBear

      But that wasn't an option in the scenario. I'm pretty sure Tony would take a similar approach given the choice.

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      I hate Anthony (for all the reasons most people hate him) but I think I hate him less now.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    When it comes to Donner, Tony's blitzen.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But, if you eat Dick Cheney's skull, or skullfuck it for that matter, won't you be overtaken by the dark powers that reside within?

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      There can be only one?

  • Tundra Grifter

    "…(your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover)…"

    I guess it isn't bragging if you can back it up.

  • MissTaken

    I'm cool with waterboarding and deep-frying Cheney's head, but I have to draw the line at fucking him up the ass. I imagine Cheney's colon is so completely constipated with the remains of tender babies that no amount of lube could get a human penis inside, much less Bourdain's which I'm sure is on the more endowed side of the penis spectrum.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Maybe a semi-colon, if that, but that colostomy bag has got to be too toxic for mortals.

  • Barb

    What do cannibal Celebrity chefs make out of politicians?
    Bologna sandwiches.

    • flamingpdog

      Pate de fois gross.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Who's dick will Ted Nugent want to suck over this outrage?

    • Beowoof

      Normally his own but it's not nearly long enough.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        I'm sure he tried, though. But even his own dick didn't want to be sucked by him. It probably grabbed a knife and cut itself off from the rest of him.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wouldn't. The evil spirit that inhabits The Cheney might transmigrate into me. Nooooo!

  • sbj1964

    Dick Cheney is now more machine than he is man.Feel the power of Darkside of the force! I find your lack of faith disturbing.Choke,Choke!

  • CapnFatback

    What color wine goes with souless, war-profiteering vampire?

    • Schmannnity

      Black

    • nounverb911

      Blood red?

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Yeah, sanguine.

    • rickmaci

      Anything German.

    • flamingpdog

      For chickenhawks like Cheney, I go with a vin jaune.

  • axmxz

    Dick is not good eats.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Depends of what kind of dick ya mean.

      • axmxz

        Unless you're a German cannibal, no dick is good eats.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          I don't mean literally eating dick! Gah!

  • chascates

    There is the danger of Mad Neocon Disease.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Only if they eat their own.

  • elfgoldsackring

    Ah, no, I'm OK with starvation, thanks.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    That colostomy bag is not for sauce, he posited.
    ~

    • bagofmice

      It may be the only way to inject humanity into the man.

  • Fairtackle

    I have no snarky comments for this story because I find myself suffused with a warm glow and a sappy smile on my face.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    We're supposed to taste like pork, right?

    • flamingpdog

      Kermit the Frog's middle finger, too.

  • GhostBuggy

    Bourdain could keep the leftovers in a man-sized freezer.

  • demmother

    This gives a new meaning to pink slime

  • Beowoof

    While not wishing to dine on Dick myself, I would watch joyfully while some hyenas picked bones clean.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    For once, I really would like to know the answer to that interminably annoying emo-journo question: How does this make Dick feel, going out of the frying pan and into Bourdain's gaping maw?
    Like cannelloni I imagine.

  • rickmaci

    Looking at the pic made me wonder if IckyDickey was talking with a woman he was happy to see or if that was just his colostomy bag riding up.

  • Callyson

    Yeah, the thought of Dick Cheney entering my body in any way, shape, or form is a natural appetite suppressant. Thanks for helping me to stick with the diet, Tony!

  • johnnymeatworth

    Just don't eat the heart pump. It's bad for your teeth.

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    But would he eat Paula Deen? I bet she'd taste of nothing but buttah and Type 2 Diabetes medication.

  • WhatTheHeck

    The trouble with cooking Dick, is you would have to dress the carcass first and that would not be p a pleasant sight. Then you would have to remove all the bile and that might take a very long time. But the one thing that would make the meat unpalatable would be all the years of him loving war which would leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Probably up there with rotting Greenland shark on the appetizing scale. Which Bourdain has eaten.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      I would think it would be a cross between soaking kidneys in milk to remove that uric "tang" and fermenting meat in brine, like my relatives do at the holidays. I mean, eventually you might get something palatable. But I'd feed it to the relatives first.

  • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

    Day 1: New Read the Internet & Lose Weight Diet going smoothly so far.

    Like a boa constrictor, I may not eat anything else for a wk. or two until this bolus is completely digested. GAAAAAAHH!!!

    • ThundercatHo

      I'll help you out with one of my RTI&LWD faves: Billy Ray Cyrus' flavor-saver. Ooh, here's another one: Picture my mom, who's 83, giving a blowjob to her new husband…and swallowing.

  • BlueStateLibel

    In this one post our editrix just broke nearly every rule under which we have been so sorely oppressed since the regime change. I guess the legal weasels would point out that Dick Cheney is not human, nor is he technically alive, hence no rules have been broken.

  • calliecallie

    Speaking of eating Dick…

    Bourdain said that he has never before sexted but if you are really interested in seeing a picture of his junk, you can find it at TMZ.

  • sati_demise

    I do not eat CAFO meat, so would have to pass on the Cheney serving.

    too many steroids, toxic metals & antibiotics.

  • StarsUponThars

    REALLY wish I hadn't looked at that photo of Dick's low-hanging nutsack.

    • Come here a minute

      Oh, don't worry, it's probably just a poop bag.

      • Skullfry Buddha

        That's what I thought. It's either his nutsack, or he Depends burst like the belly of a zombie in a daycare.

  • Nostrildamus

    Tony Bourdain is a true American hero.

  • PuglyDoRight

    I love Tony Bourdain and I'm a vegetarian. At least he doesn't waste anything.

  • SnarkoMarx

    Somehow Cheney seems more like something that sick fuck Andrew Zimmern would eat.

  • SaintRond

    Makes sense to me. Does it make sense to you?

  • http://thesecondcomingofjeri.blogspot.com Jeri 2.0

    "No, he would fry his skull — better for fucking! — before shoving it up his ass," and this dish would be known as turddicken.

  • MiniMencken

    Ah, a lad after me own heart!

  • ttommyunger

    Eating Cheney? Talk about putting the cart before the hearse. Usually something does not become shit until after it has been eaten. BTW, I fucking hate food shows, cooking shows, musicians, artists and chefs. Everybody else I just intensely dislike.

  • ColonelDoctor

    What is in his pants? The corpse of an Iraqi baby?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Nobody knew it at the time, but that's actually South Ossetia.

  • fuflans

    huh. if only i had had children i would have been able to brag to my grandchildren that i had been there – in real time – for the legendary cheney cannibalism post.

    oh well.

  • mavenmaven

    No blender for Cheney?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh I'm bummed I was out injuring myself while my beloved editrix posted this horror-inducing tip. I don't know much about Anthony Bourdain, but in a world where we all lose someone we love, we can at least eat someone we hate, right? Uh — right? Anyone. Okay, maybe my friends were right to be upset with me for digging up Danny Kaye — but seriously, he tasted way better than he sang.

  • iburl

    I'd sooner eat an actual rat.

  • Pat_Pending

    I suddenly feel the need to re-watch The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.

  • Negropolis

    Paula Deen libel!

    No, but really, Anthony is someone you either love or you hate, and I happen to hate him.

  • sullivanst

    I have a new man-crush!

    Hopefully this doesn't lead to me being crushed… in a meat grinder.

  • notanncoulter

    Needs.
    Moar.
    Caramelized Shallots.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Was there a joke in there somewhere??

  • BarackMyWorld

    Tony Bourdain (your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover) will eat anything.

    A LITTLE TOO MUCH INFORMATION THANKS.