Bad Boy Chef-Trotter Tony Bourdain Will Fry Up Dick Cheney’s Skull And Sodomize Him With It

  no reservations

rum sodomy and the lashMan, bad boy cheftrotter Tony Bourdain (your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover) will eat anything. There he always is, puking his way around Rangoon or whatever, eating turd hash on a salad of gravel and smiling wanly at his eager hosts. But what would he most like to eat? THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME, in this case one Mr. Richard “Dick” Cheney, and he is “the most dangerous” because of how he shoots people in the face (and also entire countries, you know how it is, you can’t be the most powerful man in the world without breaking a few Iraqis). Wonkette operative SayItWithWookies sent us this HuffPo post, on eating Dick Cheney’s wang*, so we could end our day with a smile! Thanks, SayItWithWookies, but not bloody likely.

So, easily impressed unnamed HuffPo writer, did Tony Bourdain say anything bad-boyish at this Great Cowabunga Festival Or Something Or Other?

He also had some rather practical thoughts on the subject on cannibalism. An audience member posed a bizarre hypothetical situation: if he and Bourdain were trapped in a cave, would Bourdain eat him? “F*ck yeah,” Bourdain said without hesitation. He added that if they were trapped on a boat with a bunch of his chef friends and this guy wasn’t pulling his weight, he would have no problem cooking him as a slow braise. Bourdain was asked straight up if he would eat a human. “Yes, yes, I f*cking would.” It wouldn’t be his first option though — he’d eat a bag of Doritos first.

When someone later asked Bourdain which person he would most like to deep fry, he had a detailed idea. First, he would waterboard Dick Cheney. Then he would deep fry his head, f*ck him up the ass and then he’d cook him. Whoa.

wangWhoa indeed, unnamed HuffPo writer. Whoa indeed.

*We originally read this post as Tony Bourdain frying and eating Dick Cheney’s wang, which was INCORRECT. No, he would fry his skull — better for fucking! — before shoving it up his ass. We regret that Mr. Bourdain erred. [HuffPo]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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93 comments

    1. memzilla

      The cholesterol has been renditioned to a secret non-disclosed location, and the trans-fats…. well, you go to dinner with the trans-fats you have, not the trans-fats you wished you had.

  1. memzilla

    "First, he would waterboard Dick Cheney. Then he would deep fry his head, f*ck him up the ass and then he’d cook him."

    Must I be the first make the obligatory "with some fava beans and a nice Chianti" post?

    Yes… yes, I must.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      But that wasn't an option in the scenario. I'm pretty sure Tony would take a similar approach given the choice.

  2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But, if you eat Dick Cheney's skull, or skullfuck it for that matter, won't you be overtaken by the dark powers that reside within?

  3. Tundra Grifter

    "…(your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover)…"

    I guess it isn't bragging if you can back it up.

  4. MissTaken

    I'm cool with waterboarding and deep-frying Cheney's head, but I have to draw the line at fucking him up the ass. I imagine Cheney's colon is so completely constipated with the remains of tender babies that no amount of lube could get a human penis inside, much less Bourdain's which I'm sure is on the more endowed side of the penis spectrum.

    1. LionHeartSoyDog

      Maybe a semi-colon, if that, but that colostomy bag has got to be too toxic for mortals.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I'm sure he tried, though. But even his own dick didn't want to be sucked by him. It probably grabbed a knife and cut itself off from the rest of him.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    I wouldn't. The evil spirit that inhabits The Cheney might transmigrate into me. Nooooo!

  6. sbj1964

    Dick Cheney is now more machine than he is man.Feel the power of Darkside of the force! I find your lack of faith disturbing.Choke,Choke!

  7. Fairtackle

    I have no snarky comments for this story because I find myself suffused with a warm glow and a sappy smile on my face.

  8. Beowoof

    While not wishing to dine on Dick myself, I would watch joyfully while some hyenas picked bones clean.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    For once, I really would like to know the answer to that interminably annoying emo-journo question: How does this make Dick feel, going out of the frying pan and into Bourdain's gaping maw?
    Like cannelloni I imagine.

  10. rickmaci

    Looking at the pic made me wonder if IckyDickey was talking with a woman he was happy to see or if that was just his colostomy bag riding up.

  11. Callyson

    Yeah, the thought of Dick Cheney entering my body in any way, shape, or form is a natural appetite suppressant. Thanks for helping me to stick with the diet, Tony!

  12. Butch_Wagstaff

    But would he eat Paula Deen? I bet she'd taste of nothing but buttah and Type 2 Diabetes medication.

  13. WhatTheHeck

    The trouble with cooking Dick, is you would have to dress the carcass first and that would not be p a pleasant sight. Then you would have to remove all the bile and that might take a very long time. But the one thing that would make the meat unpalatable would be all the years of him loving war which would leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Probably up there with rotting Greenland shark on the appetizing scale. Which Bourdain has eaten.

    2. CrankyLttlCamperette

      I would think it would be a cross between soaking kidneys in milk to remove that uric "tang" and fermenting meat in brine, like my relatives do at the holidays. I mean, eventually you might get something palatable. But I'd feed it to the relatives first.

  14. M. Bouffant

    Day 1: New Read the Internet & Lose Weight Diet going smoothly so far.

    Like a boa constrictor, I may not eat anything else for a wk. or two until this bolus is completely digested. GAAAAAAHH!!!

    1. ThundercatHo

      I'll help you out with one of my RTI&LWD faves: Billy Ray Cyrus' flavor-saver. Ooh, here's another one: Picture my mom, who's 83, giving a blowjob to her new husband…and swallowing.

  15. BlueStateLibel

    In this one post our editrix just broke nearly every rule under which we have been so sorely oppressed since the regime change. I guess the legal weasels would point out that Dick Cheney is not human, nor is he technically alive, hence no rules have been broken.

  16. calliecallie

    Speaking of eating Dick…

    Bourdain said that he has never before sexted but if you are really interested in seeing a picture of his junk, you can find it at TMZ.

  17. sati_demise

    I do not eat CAFO meat, so would have to pass on the Cheney serving.

    too many steroids, toxic metals & antibiotics.

      1. Skullfry Buddha

        That's what I thought. It's either his nutsack, or he Depends burst like the belly of a zombie in a daycare.

  18. PuglyDoRight

    I love Tony Bourdain and I'm a vegetarian. At least he doesn't waste anything.

  19. SnarkoMarx

    Somehow Cheney seems more like something that sick fuck Andrew Zimmern would eat.

  20. Jeri 2.0

    "No, he would fry his skull — better for fucking! — before shoving it up his ass," and this dish would be known as turddicken.

  21. ttommyunger

    Eating Cheney? Talk about putting the cart before the hearse. Usually something does not become shit until after it has been eaten. BTW, I fucking hate food shows, cooking shows, musicians, artists and chefs. Everybody else I just intensely dislike.

  22. fuflans

    huh. if only i had had children i would have been able to brag to my grandchildren that i had been there – in real time – for the legendary cheney cannibalism post.

    oh well.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Oh I'm bummed I was out injuring myself while my beloved editrix posted this horror-inducing tip. I don't know much about Anthony Bourdain, but in a world where we all lose someone we love, we can at least eat someone we hate, right? Uh — right? Anyone. Okay, maybe my friends were right to be upset with me for digging up Danny Kaye — but seriously, he tasted way better than he sang.

  24. Pat_Pending

    I suddenly feel the need to re-watch The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.

  25. Negropolis

    Paula Deen libel!

    No, but really, Anthony is someone you either love or you hate, and I happen to hate him.

  26. sullivanst

    I have a new man-crush!

    Hopefully this doesn't lead to me being crushed… in a meat grinder.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    Tony Bourdain (your Editrix calls him “Tony” because of how he is her lover) will eat anything.

    A LITTLE TOO MUCH INFORMATION THANKS.

Comments are closed.