And then he didn't invite me to play golf ...Human tear factory John Boehner is shocked — shocked! — that no-goodnik President Divisive wants a “clean” debt limit increase without matching spending cuts. You perhaps remember that this was a big fucking deal last year when all the Tea Party freshman simultaneously went all bananas on John Boehner’s ass and refused to pay for what Congress had already spent, because that is just good, responsible budgeting like we all do at home, and this caused the nation’s credit to be downgraded to “Gingrich Campaign.” You may also remember that they eventually, after much derping, agreed that there would be a mix of cuts to programs cherished by each side if’n they couldn’t come up with a compromise on their own. They failed, the “sequester” (cuts) was supposed to take effect, and then HEY HOWDY! just a week or so ago they decided that all their side’s cuts would come from the Democrat side of the aisle. That is so weird and totally unexpected! So that is all just “context” for why President The Worst would be all nah John Boehner not this time just raise the fucking debt ceiling no games mang, and now John Boehner, he is breathless with the gall! And that is how it is Barack Obama’s fault that the Republicans in the House will let the nation default!

Also, here is a thing the Right that has been saying lately: that spending cuts will head off “austerity” like they are having in Europe (which is actually spending cuts?), and not the exact opposite. Framing! Watch for it! It’s fun!


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  • Limeylizzie

    The Tan Man will weep when Barry kicks his ass in this Debt Limit fight…..I hope, I am an optimist.

    • Boehner says he wants to "get the conversation started."
      I like to imagine it starting something like this. Their expressions say it all.

      • Boojum

        I'll start:

        "John. Fuck you."

        • miss_grundy

          I second that emotion and add, Boner, I will kick your ass up and down Pennsylvania Ave., you f*cking cracker.

          (I feel so much better now……)

  • Come here a minute

    John Boehner likes that Greek yogurt and now he thinks he wants to do everything like the Greeks.

    • Callyson

      So he also does Greek?

      Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit while typing that…

    • Limeylizzie

      Buggers for Boehner PAC.

    • Boojum

      Santorum is Greek? I thought it was Latin.


  • Barb

    This guy is an ad for Paxil.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      I had a Labrador retriever named Paxil. He was far more effective than any pill.

    • flamingpdog

      I take Paxil. I still can't stand Boner.

  • “When the president told me yesterday that he wanted a clean increase in the debt limit, it almost took my breath away,”

    That wasn't Barry, John. That was the Glenfiddich.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    No, I am not watching that. Sorry. Even if my comment is uninformed, I will not watch it.

  • People say I'm the head of the party
    Because I am a joke or two
    Although I might be bitching loud and hearty
    Deep inside I'm another hue
    So take a good look at my (orange) face
    You'll see my snarl looks out of place
    If you look closer, it's easy to trace
    The tracks of my tears.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Smokey Libel!!

      (Two kinds, actually.)

  • Crank_Tango

    Dear Editrix, I believe the proper term for Mr. Boehner is "tear distillery," because, drunk.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Everyone's tears are salty, but Boner's tears also taste strongly of juniper berry and green, pimiento-stuffed olives.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Aw, don't say that! That makes him somewhat attractive to me!

        • V572 Is this him?

          Yeah but it's Gordon's gin, generic vermouth and an olive from the bottom of a giant Costco jar so old the fat's congealed in the brine.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Mmm, that reminds me. I've got a *new* jar of those Costco giant green olives stuffed w/garlic and jalapeño. And a half bottle of Bombay Sapphire a friend left at my place last week.

            Mmmartinis 2nite at the Caveman cave!

          • V572 Is this him?

            You’ve got the right kind of friends…mine drink all the gin. Must say I’m not an enthusiast about those particular olives…the garlic and jalapeño kind of overpower everything else.

            By the way, I think it was anniegetyerfun who tipped me off the Hendrick’s gin. It’s outrageously expensive but has such a delicate and enjoyable taste you actually want to cut back your vermouth to enjoy it more. Also it's 86 proof so you don't get ploughed too fast, as sometimes occurs with those 100-proofers.

            Have a great evening!

  • fuflans

    everybody knows austerity is the economic model you use when you need to get the black man out of the white house.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    See? White people victimized by the blahs and the mainstream media just ignores it. TYPICAL.

  • Callyson

    spending cuts will head off “austerity” like they are having in Europe

    Spending cuts differ from austerity now? What say ye, Wikipedia, about the definition of austerity?

    In economics, austerity refers to a policy of deficit-cutting by lowering spending often via a reduction in the amount of benefits and public services provided.

    Yeah, let's head off austerity by practicing austerity…makes perfect sense!

    • Lascauxcaveman


      (It makes sense if you're Republican.)

    • rickmaci

      "In economics, austerity refers to a policy of deficit-cutting by lowering spending often via a reduction in the amount of benefits and public services provided."

      The Dems need to stop talking in Republieandcon euphemisms and tell people what "austerity" really means — Grandma's social security and medicare are on the chopping block.

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        and also tell them that's exactly what's being proposed.

        • horsedreamer_1

          I am surprised the GOP would go in for backdoor Soylent Green, as it involves three things the base abhors: meat substitutes, Popery, & environmentalism.

    • bikerlaureate

      Austerity is Abundance.

  • Antispandex

    Teapublican economics explained for you: By Antispandex.
    You see, if only the poor, and programs that benefit them take a beating, those are "responsible cuts we just have to make". If the rich are asked to pay even one penny more, that's "austerity", and that's bad. You don't EVEN want to go there…'re welcome.

  • Not_So_Much

    I kind of thought we'd be done with the crying Oompa-Loompa by now. Clearly, he isn't chain-smoking enough.

  • edgydrifter

    John Boehner hasn't been this shocked since he discovered ice melting in his whiskey.

    • Boojum

      I-C-E goes into the anus, not the whiskey.

    • Sparky McGruff

      The whiskey doesn't stay in the glass long enough for ice to melt.

  • Callyson

    The Daily Caller's reporter's name is Ballasy?

    Well, I suppose it is rather ballsy to distort the reporting on the issues the way the Daily Caller does…

  • anniegetyerfun

    Can you imagine having a black guy boss you around like that? Seriously, so annoying all the time.

    • It's like your dog telling you to get off the couch. It violates the natural order!

  • chascates

    Instead of E pluribus unum change the wording on the seal to Iustus pro uber.

    • swordfis

      right for the rich?

      • Negropolis

        Justice for the wealthy?

  • glamourdammerung

    And no one will start running ads about this nonsense with the GOP hostage taking stupidity yet again.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    We must destroy all social programs in order to save them!

    • iburl

      …from helping needy people.

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        and that's why you privatize social security!

        • V572 Is this him?

          And it's the reason to turn Medicare into a gift-card program.

  • CapnFatback

    The President may have the gall, but Boehner is all bladder.

  • OldWhiteLies

    It's that special repug math:

    X = DefinitelyNot(X)

    See how that works? So let's apply this lesson.

    Austerity = DefinitelyNotAusterity.

    Quiz on Friday, folks …

  • SorosBot

    See, in their world, damaging austerity are tax increases on the rich and cuts in military spending, which don't really damage the economy, while cuts to social services that make life harder for the poor and middle class and really fuck up the economy are the good type of austerity.

  • HippieEsq

    "and this caused the nation’s credit to be downgraded to 'Gingrich Campaign.'"

    Holy sh$t, that means the only place the USG will have access to credit is Tiffany and the Atlanta Zoo.

  • iburl

    "No Games Mang" is not a bad replacement slogan for the now ridiculous "Hope" slogan.

  • sbj1964

    Boehner's tan is actually darker than President Obama.OBAMA GOT A WHITE MOMMA!

  • Who does that boy think he is? President of the United States?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You have to admire the consistency of the GOP, as I'm sure we all remember how during the seven times that George W. Bush asked for the Debt Ceiling to be raised as he doubled the deficit, the Republicans insisted on him cutting taxes and placing the wars off budget, which lead to the wonderful fiscal health we are in currently.

  • owhatever

    Iffen I don't my Social Security on time, I cain't buy more cigarettes, beer and ammonition to protect my fambly. Dang gummint.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom
    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      This, also, too.


      Within months of taking office, Bush delivered a tax break to the rich that trumps anything he accomplished through the actual tax code. "The most important thing the Bush administration did in the whole area of taxes," says Johnston, "was to kill tax harmonization."

      "Tax harmonization" was economic jargon for a joint project by the world's developed countries to shut down offshore tax havens in places like the Cayman Islands. At the time, such illicit havens were costing U.S. taxpayers $70 billion a year. For Republicans, going after big-time tax evaders should have been as American as apple pie. As Reagan once said of such cheats: "When they do not pay their taxes, someone else does – you and me."

      • V572 Is this him?

        I hope you're not assassinating the character of a certain presidential candidate who has stashed millions in the Caymans.

        • horsedreamer_1

          We're going to assassinate him with deposit slips.


        • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          Millions? That'd be pedestrian. I reckon a couple of hundred million, a few tens of which are declared to Uncle Samuel.

          edit: at one point before I moved to the US, I looked into opening a Cayman Islands account to, um, open up some tax options. My face was laughed in because I didn't have a quarter of a million bucks. Don't have that, they won't even talk to you. Those are the low-end of Caymans banking.

      • fuflans

        i keep both of these fact filled missives (along with the recent jeffrey toobin new yorker on roberts / citizens united) at the ready whenever i know i'm seeing the 'righter' parts of my family.

        • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          Just a moment, let me get the book that Radio recommended…

          Hacker & Pierson's "winner-take-all politics"

          It's the Rolling Stone article on steroids and backed up with policy research from many, many sources – and not all left-wing.

          The Republicans, as we all know, really are intent on neo-feudalism.

  • Weeping boner is weeping.

  • Also I believe most of the G8 countries came out of last week's Camp David meetings pledging more pro-spending policies and fewer austerity policies. Presumably the leaders have recognized the austerity thing hasn't worked. Which Boehner might know if he paid half as much attention to the world around him as he does to his daily bottle of scotch.

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Oh, he knows that. He just doesn't care.

      • V572 Is this him?

        Because the Republicans don't really give a fuck about balancing the budget or reducing the national debt—look at how they behaved when Chimpy was still in office. Anyone who's taken high school economics knows that budget deficits and national debt are tools to manage the economy, not some shameful failure of will. And who was it that said "Reagan proved deficits don't matter"?

        This is all about getting rid of Medicare to free up more money to shovel at defense contractors, and letting Wall Street get their hands on FICA.

        • pdiddycornchips

          It's not just Chimpy. I can't understand why someone doesn't point out to Paul Ryan how his love for deficit reduction seems to ebb and flow depending on who's in the White House. It's as if Republicans were transported here in January of '09 on the wings of angels, sent here to preach the gospel of deficit reduction. These fuckers have a record. Their record shows when they're in charge, deficits balloon, spending goes way up and the rich get a tax cut.

          • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            These fuckers have a record. Their record shows when they're in charge, deficits balloon, spending goes way up and the rich get a tax cut.

            And most of the electorate let the fuckers get away with it and then complain about it, which is inexcusable. Or should be, if Dem messaging was any good.

            Clinton said "We're Eisenhower Republicans now" about the Democrats because he managed to get a budget surplus.

            Naturally, that all fucked up with the shaven pongid.

      • Truer words, Fukui, truer words.

    • pdiddycornchips

      "most of the G8 countries came out of last week's Camp David meetings pledging more pro-spending policies and fewer austerity policies."

      Then, they cooked and ate the livers of Tim Geithner and Christine Lagarde along with a fine Chianti.

    • Negropolis

      They didn't recognized that austerity hasn't worked. What happened was that Merkel lost her poodle.

  • OldWhiteLies

    Allow me, I speak mang

    It means no fuckin roun wi de peepoe's munnee, du ju unnerstan? Oh, why de fuck I even try, mang. Ju too fuck in de head, mang. Hey, hombre, ju du no ju is orange, ri mang?

    (No rediculously overindulged stereotypes were harmed in the creation of this snark.)

    • swordfis

      ju du no ju is orange, ri mang?


  • PuglyDoRight

    Spending Cuts = Austerity everywhere but in FoxWorld. God forbid that the GOP do anything "clean."

  • pinkocommi

    It is as though the Republitards WANT us to take to the fucking streets.

    • They want you to eat cake – it drives up the stock of bakery businesses.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      So as to more efficiently *clean* them.

  • Austerity is for European pussies! Spending cuts are beefy and delicious! I'll take mine medium rare.

  • Here's the plan. Lets just build the dang fence around D.C. (and possibly Arizona and Florida) and then we can just start over again. Who wants to be team captains?

  • horsedreamer_1

    In this Washington, D.C., staging of "The Rules of Abstraction", Boehner is James van der Beek to Obama's Clifton Collins, Jr.

    I just hope they find DC's hottest pol to be Shannyn Sossymon.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    "…that spending cuts will head off “austerity” like they are having in Europe…"

    Yes, changing the name from something other than the gay, FOREIGN sounding 'austerity' will work. 'Cause changing 'French fries" to "Freedom Fries" is what really killed Bin Laden, ya know.

  • Beowoof

    The way Boner drinks, I would be surprised if had any liver left, let alone a gall bladder.

  • ttommyunger

    I know why the orange man cries: the man in the White House is way smarter than him, the guys on Wall Street are jerking him around for the moneez and the Tea Party Types are constantly out of step with the Corporate Republican Program. Nobody pays any attention to anything he says, which is good, because he doesn't know what he's talking about, anyway. It's always the same mantra: Obama bad, Us, good, just different nouns.

  • pdiddycornchips

    If Obama hurt the Republicans feelings again, he's going to have to make it up to them with his usual combination of tax cuts for rich people and drastic cuts to the social safety net. It's only right.

  • bikerlaureate

    it almost took my breath away

    … that anyone would expect a Republican leader to honor an agreement they made a whole year ago.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, John. You are so gone, next session, no matter if your party keeps the House or not. It's going to be Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi or Speaker of the House Eric Cantor. Boehner's going back to being "that one dude from that one place in that one state that rhymes with Ohio."

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