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Insomnia Cure: Read This Top 5 Veep Picks List from InTrade!

In case the Ambien-vodka cocktail didn't do the trick.

What is our beloved most recent former GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin doing to claim a paycheck these days? The grifter quitter queen is executing nasal drone strikes on Kansas voters with delusional voice messages informing them that despite the best available geographic information to the contrary, they are all secretly living in Texas, unbeknownst to themselves. “Hello, Texas. I’m Sarah Palin,” is the actual most chilling ear spam anyone who believed him or herself to be outside Texas borders could hear upon picking up the phone. The nation as a result has collectively decided that it needs a powerful sedative, the only possible explanation for InTrade’s current top five most bankable picks for this year’s vice-presidential running mate. Who are they? Everyone tucked in and ready for their comas?

Via GOP12:

1. Rob Portman 22.0

2. Marco Rubio 16.2

3. Chris Christie 8.0

4. Mitch Daniels 6.8

5. Tim Pawlenty 6.0

That’s right, Tim “Who?” Pawlenty is making GOP popularity contest lists again, along with Rob “Huh?” Portman, Mitch “Whatever” Daniels, Marco “Paul Ryan is hotter” Rubio, and the fat one. America hasn’t slept this soundly since it first got word that whiny butt Newt Gingrich was being forced out of office way back in the nineties. [GOP12]

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    1. Lascauxcaveman

      And WHERE THE HELL is Sarah Palin?

      C'mon, Mitt, this is a slam dunk! You put her on the ticket, and none of the chicks will vote for Hillary this time!

  1. Barb

    One of these five ass clowns is going to be one artificial heartbeat away from being President. Good luck suckers!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      DAAANG I am watching the end of the Celtics game, HANG ON. Also, what do you think?

        1. FakaktaSouth

          That's merited, though. I think I'll forgive him, I always do, I am nice. Aight to the DVR! Come on sweet thang, make me feel better! (you or Cory, whoever.)

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Hey, lay off with the time machine, will ya? I still got money on the next Celts-Sixers game.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Playing 7 at this point is still weird to me. I hope your money's on Skeletor and Crew – Go Boston.

        2. BaldarTFlagass

          Speaking of NBA, watched the LA/OKC game last night and realized that there were more black people on the floor than in the whole rest of the arena. Talk about whitebread…

          1. Negropolis

            I've yet to accept that OKC has a pro-basketball team. They are just giving them away to anyone, these days, huh? lol

    2. Negropolis

      I love how neither of them really got to what was actually making everyone mad 'til near the end of the interview, and even then they just kind of hit it. You know, the whole conflating the Reverend Wright attacks to the legitimate attacks on Mitt Romney's time at Bain.

      I also like how they still don't seem to get that another huge part of this is that no one during this entire presidential debate has questioned the legitimacy of private equity, and that Booker kind of raised an issue that never was (i.e. Dems attacking private equity). Not only was there a false equivalency in what he said, but a straw man, at that. He went out of his way to address something that hadn't even been raised.

      The media keeps covering this as a "gaffe." A gaffe is an accident; a gaffe is misspeaking. A gaffe is "keeping fucking that chicken." A gaffe never earnestly starts with "I have to just say from a very personal level…"

        1. Negropolis

          You know, I don't much mind personal loyalty, so I'm not really mad at Rachel. Though, I do think she should have stated at the very front of the interview for those that don't follow her show regularly that she and Booker are friends.

  2. owhatever

    I hope they go with Rob Portman. I — and most of America — have never heard of him.

      1. OurDailyBread

        Which bank does he work for, Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan? Is he the mayor of Bumfuck or Greasewater, Iowa? Is he an Independent or Southern Baptist? Is he a Birther or a Bircher?

    1. Negropolis

      No one had heard of Dan Quayle, either, and that dumb-ass became the Vice President of the United States. Vice presidential picks don't mean shit unless they are particularly bad (i.e. Sarah "Failin" Palin).

      1. tcaalaw

        Yes, but Bush the Elder was running against Dukakis, so he really didn't need much of a boost from the VP pick. Romney needs some juice out of his VP nominee.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Is a Richter Scale what they use at those CHP stops off the freeways to weigh semi trucks?

  3. memzilla

    Barkeep… six long-form birf certificates, please… and a Taitz chaser.

    Can I see a menu, too? And what's the sauce for the goose today? Same as the gander, right?

  4. Chet Kincaid

    Corey says you can't equate the crazy Wright and racist attacks against Obama to whatever about Romney. So why did he say it? Smells like brain fart or phony. Go on…

  5. FakaktaSouth

    I look forward to Joe saying, "come on, man" to each and any one of these dipshits.

  6. Sassomatic

    Uh oh. I know a certain Louisiana governor who is going to totally unfriend some people from his MySpace. Because he still uses MySpace.

  7. Chet Kincaid

    Am I supposed to feel sorry for Corey Booker over his completely self-inflicted wound? If the Republicans didn't bank this gift out of his big fat mouth, the world would truly be upside down. Yes, I'm blaming the "victim."

    1. ProgressiveInga

      I think on mtp he tried to throw a bone to his corporate republican overlords while being a 'sincere' surrogate for the President and he wasn't talented enough to pull it off. That being said, I'd hit it. And I'm totally gay.

    2. FakaktaSouth

      OH MY GOD RACHEL'S WEARING MAKEUP!!! She IS straight for him!!! Lipstick! Whoa. also, all choked up. She lurves him.

      Sorry. You were saying, he's a butt, I know. Everybody gets one. ONE huge fundraising day for the Republicans. THAT pisses me off.

      1. rickmaci

        Rachel hearts Cory, Rachel hearts Cory….

        In truth, I believe they are college friends from Stanford. She threw a lifeline to her friend. There is that saying, a friend helps you move, a good friend helps you hide the bodies. So tonight she helped him try to bury the problem. Guess I can't go too hard on her for that.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Surely that list can't be correct, as Mephistopheles is nowhere on it.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Who are people that are too charismatic to run as VP with Mitt Romney?

  9. NorthStarSpanx

    Okay, I've waited all day for it to show up on Wonkette, so the shit get's real, but this damn dick sucker mouth is forcing me to make a tenuous association.

    Let's put George Tierney of Greenville, SC on the list shall we?

    Keep in mind, on October 26, 2009, the man says "people whos are disrespectful, deserve the same inreturn"

    1. trampndirtdown

      Are you talking about George Tierney of Greenville, South Carolina? Cuz I heard that George Tierney of Greenville South Carolina doesn't like it when you talk about George Tierney of Greenville South Carolina

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Is that George Tierney who works in the golf industry? George Tierney who owns a business and claims to be a father? THAT George Tierney?

        He's a terrible person. May he never be hired for another job again.

        1. imissopus

          George Tierney of Greenville, SC is totally doubling down on his Twitter feed as we speak. Including calling Obama a n****r. Also upset that people won't leave his father alone. Guess we should start specifying that we are talking about George Tierney Jr. of Greenville, SC being a sociopathic asshat, and not George Tierney Sr., who only fathered the sociopathic asshat George Tierney Jr. of Greenville, SC (and apparently didn't smack the shit out of him enough when he was a kid.)

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Oh my — I hope George Tierney of Greenville, SC is so famous he never gets laid again. Even his beagle should be avoiding him at this point.

    3. Negropolis

      Can I just say that Sandra Fluke's response to that d-bag, George Tierney of Greenville, South Carolina, was perfect?

  10. johnnyzhivago

    Chris Christie lost everything by being seen with a Dumbocrat in his silly, taxpayer dollar wasting video made for New York's gay-jewish media establishment.

    Sorry, he's finished – can't have a vice president who actually personally has known or even spoken to a member of the other party.

    1. shortsandpants

      I have always been under the assumption that Jindal was the whitest man in the GOP, though. What can I believe, if not for that? The existential crisis is mounting.

  11. johnnyzhivago

    Hey – what about brown face sun-tan mom???

    She's from New Jersey (Christ Christie vote), brown (for blahs and messicans), female (as far as we know) and —->>>> a mom!!!!

    4 checkoff points!!!!

  12. SorosBot

    Are we sure about this? The likes of Christie the Hutt are somewhat high on the evil list, sure, but I think Romney's list is a little more pure evil:

    1. Victor von Doom
    2. Lex Luthor
    3. Chancellor Palpatine
    4. Mayor Richard Wilkins III
    5. Montgomery Burns
    6. Loki
    7. Count Vlad "Dracula" Tepes
    8. Megatron
    9. Sauron the Maiar
    10. Dick Cheney

    1. Mumbly_Libel

      I think the biggest problem I have with this list is that you placed Sauron (who was admittedly Morgoth's second-fiddle) and Dick Cheney so close to the bottom.

    2. MosesInvests

      Sorry, Tolkien nerd has to be a Tolkien nerd-Maiar is plural. The singular is Maia.

  13. Chet Kincaid

    Obama's statement at NATO on private equity was good. Nominally said it was a neutral tool aimed at making money primarily, and that if Romney, who won't run on his Massachusetts record, wants to run for President on Bain, making money is not The Job, and furthermore, his record as a Bain man is worth scrutiny

    1. SayItWithWookies

      It's not fair to talk about the swath of destruction in both human lives and (gasp!) capital that Bain left in its wake — it's only fair to let Mitt lie about it uncontestedly.

    2. Negropolis

      Which is the only thing he's been saying for, like, ever. Instead, we get Booker putting this strawman up that the president and his allies have been on the warpath against the very idea of private equity, which is nothing more than the Republican talking point, which morphed, today, into "the president is against free enterprise."

      This particular lie drives me up the wall for the sole fact that Obama is about as a centrist as you can get on issues of finance. Hell, the Republicans' attack just before this Booker shit was that the administration was packed with private equity stooges selling America down the river.

      Gawd, Teh Stupid, she burns!

    3. Monsieur_Grumpe

      As long as someone gets rich it's OK… right? Quit stomping on the Anerican Dream.

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Whoever gets the VP nod will need to be able to tolerate Mitt's wacky sense of humor. He'll need to put up with the Tackle With a Hair Cut, “You're fired…. just kidding”, “Pull my finger”, and the ever popular “Hey! Who just grabbed my ass!”

  15. radio-of-owls

    I imagine the brilliant minds in Romneyville are looking at Rubio and saying, "Look! A brown! We got that vote locked baby!", blissfully ignorant of the fact that the Cubans are far from being beloved by their fellow beaners. You know, the ones that make up the overwhelming majority of the Hispanic population.

    Cuban, Mexican, Salvadoran…what the hell's the difference? Ya seen one spic you seen 'em all, right? *guffaw*

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You have abetted my fantasy of Mitt selecting some obscure minor politician from American Samoa, just because he assumed the name Manu Vanuatuato (or somesuch thing) was Hispanic, and therefore a guarantee of winning the brown vote.

  16. HempDogbane

    T-Paw claimed to be out of the running last week. Which probably meant "look at me, look at me!"

  17. Come here a minute

    So Wrong! The snooziest is TPAW, but Rob Portman will be the nominee because the snooziest is a superlative, and that out of the question.

  18. Designer_Rants

    Tim PuhSNORE! GOPers who aren't he sleaziest cunts you'd ever cross to the other side of the street for are just too boring to ballot.

    Mitt & The Fatman? (fun for a few months of late nite monologues. Then just Fatter Cheney).

    Marco… Now there's where the real fun is gonna be when the journos start going through his past like a rock fiend through a crackhouse carpet.

    Rob who? Can't get any safer than someone no one has ever once thought about ever.

  19. ratcityrebel

    Can Andy Williams take a break from 365 nights a year in Branson to be Mitt's VP? Last we heard from him he went full wingnut. He could be the Nilla wafer to Romney's glass of skim milk.

  20. Kidneys4Sale

    He should go with someone hip and edgy. I seem to recall Pat Boone did a metal album.

  21. ttommyunger

    The question isn't who will Mittens pick, the question is who will be dumb enough to accept a battle with a foregone conclusion? No sane Republican wants Mitt to be their Nominee. He is the default Candidate and everybody but him knows it. Everybody but Rubio is too close to the end of their political career to want this drubbing to be their swan song. I'm going with Marco here. He knows he's young enough to outlive the stench of this defeat. I look forward to picking over the bones in his closet.

  22. barto

    Thing about Christie, though, is that his gravitaional pull alone is enough to "undisclose" his location. Bad for security, nomesane?

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Politico ran a four-page profile of Marco Rubio and his wife a couple days ago. The first four pages are utterly useless and banal, but the last page has the goods — Marco Rubio goes to mass every single fucking day. Seven Catholic masses a week (although I'll bet he goes twice on Sunday). That is not a man — that is a fucking sissy.

    1. Negropolis

      That's funny, 'cause I was reading an article on Sunday saying that he converted to Mormonism as a teen during a visit to his cousin's, switched back to Catholicism, and is now a Baptist. You know what that makes him? A fucking phoney, that's what.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        According to the Politico article he's now a Catholic but also attends some sort of megachurch associated with the Southern Baptist Convention. Dammit, now I'm gonna have to find the article — nevertheless, someone who spends that much time trying to understand the will of something that doesn't exist cannot be said to understand his own values. And without values, how can you trust a leader to do the right thing? May as well spin a wheel and do whatever response comes up.

      2. SayItWithWookies

        Okay, here's the relevant page — you won't miss anything by skipping the first three. But he's apparently now a Catholic again, and there was some sort of credit card problem that he had when he paid for personal expenses with his government credit card (gee how fiscally conservative) but he swears he won't do it again. Nothing to see here, promise.

  24. NYNYNYjr

    I found some golden plates under a rock and on them were troth written God's instructions that Ron Paul should be chosen as V.P. No, you can't see them. I've lost them. I mean, I've hidden them.

  25. elgin_pelican

    Parties try to balance the ticket, choosing a veep that has qualities the candidate lacks. So, my money is on a human of some type.

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