OFF-LABEL USES  9:00 pm May 21, 2012

Insomnia Cure: Read This Top 5 Veep Picks List from InTrade!

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

In case the Ambien-vodka cocktail didn't do the trick.

What is our beloved most recent former GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin doing to claim a paycheck these days? The grifter quitter queen is executing nasal drone strikes on Kansas voters with delusional voice messages informing them that despite the best available geographic information to the contrary, they are all secretly living in Texas, unbeknownst to themselves. “Hello, Texas. I’m Sarah Palin,” is the actual most chilling ear spam anyone who believed him or herself to be outside Texas borders could hear upon picking up the phone. The nation as a result has collectively decided that it needs a powerful sedative, the only possible explanation for InTrade’s current top five most bankable picks for this year’s vice-presidential running mate. Who are they? Everyone tucked in and ready for their comas?

Via GOP12:

1. Rob Portman 22.0

2. Marco Rubio 16.2

3. Chris Christie 8.0

4. Mitch Daniels 6.8

5. Tim Pawlenty 6.0

That’s right, Tim “Who?” Pawlenty is making GOP popularity contest lists again, along with Rob “Huh?” Portman, Mitch “Whatever” Daniels, Marco “Paul Ryan is hotter” Rubio, and the fat one. America hasn’t slept this soundly since it first got word that whiny butt Newt Gingrich was being forced out of office way back in the nineties. [GOP12]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 130 comments }

nounverb911 May 21, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Where's Mormon baptized Jeebus on this list?

GlowneyHouse May 21, 2012 at 9:15 pm
Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2012 at 11:13 pm

And WHERE THE HELL is Sarah Palin?

C'mon, Mitt, this is a slam dunk! You put her on the ticket, and none of the chicks will vote for Hillary this time!

Chet Kincaid May 21, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Fuck that noise, why aren't you liveblogging the Corey Booker mea culpa on Rachel?!

angerbear May 21, 2012 at 9:03 pm

None of these guys is a big fucking deal.

EloquentScience May 22, 2012 at 3:12 am

Except Christie. He is quite a BIG deal.

Barb May 21, 2012 at 9:06 pm

One of these five ass clowns is going to be one artificial heartbeat away from being President. Good luck suckers!

Callyson May 22, 2012 at 3:49 am

We better hope none of Mitten's robot codes goes faulty…

Chet Kincaid May 21, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Rachel seems to be going all in on defending Corey in her interview preamble. I think she's "straight" for him.

FakaktaSouth May 21, 2012 at 9:14 pm

DAAANG I am watching the end of the Celtics game, HANG ON. Also, what do you think?

Chet Kincaid May 21, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Trying to listen, in between jumping to snarky conclusions.

FakaktaSouth May 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm

That's merited, though. I think I'll forgive him, I always do, I am nice. Aight to the DVR! Come on sweet thang, make me feel better! (you or Cory, whoever.)

radio-of-owls May 21, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Woo hoo! Celts put the hurt on those Indy fairies.

Let's go Celtics

FakaktaSouth May 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

LET'S. GO. CELTICS.
Love.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 22, 2012 at 4:47 am

Hey, lay off with the time machine, will ya? I still got money on the next Celts-Sixers game.

FakaktaSouth May 22, 2012 at 8:27 am

Playing 7 at this point is still weird to me. I hope your money's on Skeletor and Crew – Go Boston.

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 8:32 am

Speaking of NBA, watched the LA/OKC game last night and realized that there were more black people on the floor than in the whole rest of the arena. Talk about whitebread…

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 8:38 am

I've yet to accept that OKC has a pro-basketball team. They are just giving them away to anyone, these days, huh? lol

Tundra Grifter May 21, 2012 at 9:19 pm

She'll have to elbow Limey Lizzie out of the way first!

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 12:59 am

I love how neither of them really got to what was actually making everyone mad 'til near the end of the interview, and even then they just kind of hit it. You know, the whole conflating the Reverend Wright attacks to the legitimate attacks on Mitt Romney's time at Bain.

I also like how they still don't seem to get that another huge part of this is that no one during this entire presidential debate has questioned the legitimacy of private equity, and that Booker kind of raised an issue that never was (i.e. Dems attacking private equity). Not only was there a false equivalency in what he said, but a straw man, at that. He went out of his way to address something that hadn't even been raised.

The media keeps covering this as a "gaffe." A gaffe is an accident; a gaffe is misspeaking. A gaffe is "keeping fucking that chicken." A gaffe never earnestly starts with "I have to just say from a very personal level…"

Chet Kincaid May 22, 2012 at 1:49 am

Somebody besides Rachel should have interviewed him. But then, he would never have done the interview.

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 5:51 am

You know, I don't much mind personal loyalty, so I'm not really mad at Rachel. Though, I do think she should have stated at the very front of the interview for those that don't follow her show regularly that she and Booker are friends.

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Haha, I think I'll have another.

BlueStateLibel May 21, 2012 at 9:14 pm

I saw what you did there!

pdiddycornchips May 21, 2012 at 9:19 pm

I would vote for that horse any day

owhatever May 21, 2012 at 9:07 pm

I hope they go with Rob Portman. I — and most of America — have never heard of him.

pdiddycornchips May 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Is he a middle aged white guy by any chance?

OurDailyBread May 22, 2012 at 1:51 am

Which bank does he work for, Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan? Is he the mayor of Bumfuck or Greasewater, Iowa? Is he an Independent or Southern Baptist? Is he a Birther or a Bircher?

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 1:04 am

No one had heard of Dan Quayle, either, and that dumb-ass became the Vice President of the United States. Vice presidential picks don't mean shit unless they are particularly bad (i.e. Sarah "Failin" Palin).

tcaalaw May 22, 2012 at 9:16 am

Yes, but Bush the Elder was running against Dukakis, so he really didn't need much of a boost from the VP pick. Romney needs some juice out of his VP nominee.

noodlesalad May 21, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Coincidentally, Chris Christie is also an 8.0 on the Richter scale.

Tundra Grifter May 21, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Is a Richter Scale what they use at those CHP stops off the freeways to weigh semi trucks?

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Doesn't Christie have to use those runaway truck ramps even in his Lexus?

memzilla May 21, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Barkeep… six long-form birf certificates, please… and a Taitz chaser.

Can I see a menu, too? And what's the sauce for the goose today? Same as the gander, right?

Chet Kincaid May 21, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Corey says you can't equate the crazy Wright and racist attacks against Obama to whatever about Romney. So why did he say it? Smells like brain fart or phony. Go on…

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 9:14 pm

What's the over/under for Romney/Ryan?

FakaktaSouth May 21, 2012 at 9:15 pm

I look forward to Joe saying, "come on, man" to each and any one of these dipshits.

ProgressiveInga May 21, 2012 at 9:15 pm

6. Mema 5.8

radio-of-owls May 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Oh, that is good. That is very good indeed.

BlueStateLibel May 21, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Sarah with her magical geography – got to love it.

Sassomatic May 21, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Uh oh. I know a certain Louisiana governor who is going to totally unfriend some people from his MySpace. Because he still uses MySpace.

drrty_martini May 21, 2012 at 9:20 pm

I think Natalie Portman is pretty, but will her vegan lifestyle help or hurt mittens?

Chet Kincaid May 21, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Am I supposed to feel sorry for Corey Booker over his completely self-inflicted wound? If the Republicans didn't bank this gift out of his big fat mouth, the world would truly be upside down. Yes, I'm blaming the "victim."

ProgressiveInga May 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm

I think on mtp he tried to throw a bone to his corporate republican overlords while being a 'sincere' surrogate for the President and he wasn't talented enough to pull it off. That being said, I'd hit it. And I'm totally gay.

FakaktaSouth May 21, 2012 at 9:28 pm

OH MY GOD RACHEL'S WEARING MAKEUP!!! She IS straight for him!!! Lipstick! Whoa. also, all choked up. She lurves him.

Sorry. You were saying, he's a butt, I know. Everybody gets one. ONE huge fundraising day for the Republicans. THAT pisses me off.

rickmaci May 22, 2012 at 1:05 am

Rachel hearts Cory, Rachel hearts Cory….

In truth, I believe they are college friends from Stanford. She threw a lifeline to her friend. There is that saying, a friend helps you move, a good friend helps you hide the bodies. So tonight she helped him try to bury the problem. Guess I can't go too hard on her for that.

Arken May 21, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Mitch Daniels.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Surely that list can't be correct, as Mephistopheles is nowhere on it.

Vecchiojohn May 21, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I support wife number 3.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 22, 2012 at 4:50 am

I'm all over that list, trust me.

johnnyzhivago May 21, 2012 at 9:25 pm

- Joe the Plumber
- Francine the Plumber
- The Unabomber
- Octomom
- Chumley from Pawn Stars

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 9:27 pm

The Unaplumber, Octoplumber, and Plumbley from Plumb Stars.
/fixed

shortsandpants May 21, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Oh that was good. That was damned good.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 21, 2012 at 9:28 pm

and the 40/1 long shot, Casey Anthony.

radio-of-owls May 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Too soon!

trampndirtdown May 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Don't forget the leader of the plumbers G. Gordon.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 22, 2012 at 2:55 am

Who are people that are too charismatic to run as VP with Mitt Romney?

smokefilledroommate May 22, 2012 at 4:19 am

Mike Rowave, W.T. Dishrag, Tay Bell, N. Animate Object.

NorthStarSpanx May 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Okay, I've waited all day for it to show up on Wonkette, so the shit get's real, but this damn dick sucker mouth is forcing me to make a tenuous association.

Let's put George Tierney of Greenville, SC on the list shall we?
http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2012/05/20/internet-

Keep in mind, on October 26, 2009, the man says "people whos are disrespectful, deserve the same inreturn"

trampndirtdown May 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Are you talking about George Tierney of Greenville, South Carolina? Cuz I heard that George Tierney of Greenville South Carolina doesn't like it when you talk about George Tierney of Greenville South Carolina

anniegetyerfun May 21, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Is he single?

imissopus May 21, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Man, George Tierney of Greenville, SC sounds like a class act. It certainly hope we don't create any legal trouble for our own Editrix simply by talking about George Tierney of Greenville, SC and his cluelessness on the ways of the internet. Otherwise obvious crazy person George Tierney of Greenville, SC might own the google someday, along with the rest of the internet.

anniegetyerfun May 21, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Is that George Tierney who works in the golf industry? George Tierney who owns a business and claims to be a father? THAT George Tierney?

He's a terrible person. May he never be hired for another job again.

imissopus May 22, 2012 at 1:41 am

George Tierney of Greenville, SC is totally doubling down on his Twitter feed as we speak. Including calling Obama a n****r. Also upset that people won't leave his father alone. Guess we should start specifying that we are talking about George Tierney Jr. of Greenville, SC being a sociopathic asshat, and not George Tierney Sr., who only fathered the sociopathic asshat George Tierney Jr. of Greenville, SC (and apparently didn't smack the shit out of him enough when he was a kid.)

anniegetyerfun May 22, 2012 at 9:12 am

Well, he has made a point about being George Tierney JR of Greenville, SC. Like, repeatedly. The awesome part is that he says the word "cunt" over and over again, but abbreviates "goddamn" to "gd". Because he's a Christian.

SayItWithWookies May 21, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Oh my — I hope George Tierney of Greenville, SC is so famous he never gets laid again. Even his beagle should be avoiding him at this point.

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 1:19 am

Can I just say that Sandra Fluke's response to that d-bag, George Tierney of Greenville, South Carolina, was perfect?

johnnyzhivago May 21, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Chris Christie lost everything by being seen with a Dumbocrat in his silly, taxpayer dollar wasting video made for New York's gay-jewish media establishment.

Sorry, he's finished – can't have a vice president who actually personally has known or even spoken to a member of the other party.

e_z May 21, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Rob Portman is Bobby Jindal in whiteface.

A non starter.

shortsandpants May 21, 2012 at 9:29 pm

I have always been under the assumption that Jindal was the whitest man in the GOP, though. What can I believe, if not for that? The existential crisis is mounting.

anniegetyerfun May 21, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Woah! When did you get back?

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

And Chris Christie is Jindal in fatface.

Beowoof May 21, 2012 at 9:29 pm

I am still preparing by examining that Canadian Immigration thing again.

NYNYNYjr May 22, 2012 at 12:14 am

Was Romney born in Canada or Mexico?

johnnyzhivago May 21, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Hey – what about brown face sun-tan mom???

She's from New Jersey (Christ Christie vote), brown (for blahs and messicans), female (as far as we know) and —->>>> a mom!!!!

4 checkoff points!!!!

SayItWithWookies May 21, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Plus, she would have John Boehner's instant respect.

SorosBot May 21, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Are we sure about this? The likes of Christie the Hutt are somewhat high on the evil list, sure, but I think Romney's list is a little more pure evil:

1. Victor von Doom
2. Lex Luthor
3. Chancellor Palpatine
4. Mayor Richard Wilkins III
5. Montgomery Burns
6. Loki
7. Count Vlad "Dracula" Tepes
8. Megatron
9. Sauron the Maiar
10. Dick Cheney

johnnyzhivago May 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

You're forgetting the #1 number #2 of all time – Martin Bormann.

Although – supposedly he's dead.

Mumbly_Libel May 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

I think the biggest problem I have with this list is that you placed Sauron (who was admittedly Morgoth's second-fiddle) and Dick Cheney so close to the bottom.

MosesInvests May 21, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Sorry, Tolkien nerd has to be a Tolkien nerd-Maiar is plural. The singular is Maia.

Vecchiojohn May 21, 2012 at 10:07 pm

You left out Gilles de Rais.

NYNYNYjr May 22, 2012 at 12:13 am

11. John Mayer

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 1:22 am

I read Sauron the Maiar as Golda Meir. lol

Chet Kincaid May 22, 2012 at 1:42 am

I'm sure it is only because The Movie has not opened yet that you did not include the obvious: Bane.

Chet Kincaid May 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Obama's statement at NATO on private equity was good. Nominally said it was a neutral tool aimed at making money primarily, and that if Romney, who won't run on his Massachusetts record, wants to run for President on Bain, making money is not The Job, and furthermore, his record as a Bain man is worth scrutiny

johnnyzhivago May 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Just like the liberal media, trying to examine Mitt's record to find some kind of "gotcha".

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2012 at 12:00 am

It's not fair to talk about the swath of destruction in both human lives and (gasp!) capital that Bain left in its wake — it's only fair to let Mitt lie about it uncontestedly.

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 1:24 am

Which is the only thing he's been saying for, like, ever. Instead, we get Booker putting this strawman up that the president and his allies have been on the warpath against the very idea of private equity, which is nothing more than the Republican talking point, which morphed, today, into "the president is against free enterprise."

This particular lie drives me up the wall for the sole fact that Obama is about as a centrist as you can get on issues of finance. Hell, the Republicans' attack just before this Booker shit was that the administration was packed with private equity stooges selling America down the river.

Gawd, Teh Stupid, she burns!

Monsieur_Grumpe May 22, 2012 at 4:57 am

As long as someone gets rich it's OK… right? Quit stomping on the Anerican Dream.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Whoever gets the VP nod will need to be able to tolerate Mitt's wacky sense of humor. He'll need to put up with the Tackle With a Hair Cut, “You're fired…. just kidding”, “Pull my finger”, and the ever popular “Hey! Who just grabbed my ass!”

hollywooddood May 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I was hoping it would be Sarah again, for the slut vote, also.

radio-of-owls May 21, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I imagine the brilliant minds in Romneyville are looking at Rubio and saying, "Look! A brown! We got that vote locked baby!", blissfully ignorant of the fact that the Cubans are far from being beloved by their fellow beaners. You know, the ones that make up the overwhelming majority of the Hispanic population.

Cuban, Mexican, Salvadoran…what the hell's the difference? Ya seen one spic you seen 'em all, right? *guffaw*

Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

You have abetted my fantasy of Mitt selecting some obscure minor politician from American Samoa, just because he assumed the name Manu Vanuatuato (or somesuch thing) was Hispanic, and therefore a guarantee of winning the brown vote.

radio-of-owls May 21, 2012 at 11:58 pm

14. Manu Vanuatuato 4.8

Monsieur_Grumpe May 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Rob Portman? I guess they couldn't get Harvey Milktoast.

radio-of-owls May 21, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Romney / Missing White Girl in Foreign Country 2012!

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 1:29 am

Natalee Holloway libel!

HempDogbane May 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

T-Paw claimed to be out of the running last week. Which probably meant "look at me, look at me!"

Come here a minute May 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

So Wrong! The snooziest is TPAW, but Rob Portman will be the nominee because the snooziest is a superlative, and that out of the question.

Designer_Rants May 21, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Tim PuhSNORE! GOPers who aren't he sleaziest cunts you'd ever cross to the other side of the street for are just too boring to ballot.

Mitt & The Fatman? (fun for a few months of late nite monologues. Then just Fatter Cheney).

Marco… Now there's where the real fun is gonna be when the journos start going through his past like a rock fiend through a crackhouse carpet.

Rob who? Can't get any safer than someone no one has ever once thought about ever.

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Romney/Gumby '12

glamourdammerung May 21, 2012 at 9:52 pm

No Paul Ryan or Rand Paul?

ProgressiveInga May 21, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Ayn Paul?

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Rand Galt?

Designer_Rants May 21, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Not even Ayn Rand's Ghost.

glamourdammerung May 21, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Not even Ayn Rand's Ghost.

Duh.

Afterlives are a form of collectivism.

thebeatgoeson May 21, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Romney/Skoal Rebel 2012

mavenmaven May 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I would choose Johansson over Portman. But it would be a tough call.

ratcityrebel May 21, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Can Andy Williams take a break from 365 nights a year in Branson to be Mitt's VP? Last we heard from him he went full wingnut. He could be the Nilla wafer to Romney's glass of skim milk.

Indiepalin May 21, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Andy Williams, fresh from refereeing the Claudine Longet invitational ski classic.

fuflans May 21, 2012 at 10:15 pm

it's still not november is it?

Kidneys4Sale May 21, 2012 at 10:24 pm

He should go with someone hip and edgy. I seem to recall Pat Boone did a metal album.

MilwaukeeKent May 21, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Romney/Bat Boy 2012, because Ed Anger is dead, that's why.

ttommyunger May 21, 2012 at 11:15 pm

The question isn't who will Mittens pick, the question is who will be dumb enough to accept a battle with a foregone conclusion? No sane Republican wants Mitt to be their Nominee. He is the default Candidate and everybody but him knows it. Everybody but Rubio is too close to the end of their political career to want this drubbing to be their swan song. I'm going with Marco here. He knows he's young enough to outlive the stench of this defeat. I look forward to picking over the bones in his closet.

barto May 21, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Thing about Christie, though, is that his gravitaional pull alone is enough to "undisclose" his location. Bad for security, nomesane?

Troglodeity May 21, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Rich Man/Portman '12

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2012 at 12:08 am

Politico ran a four-page profile of Marco Rubio and his wife a couple days ago. The first four pages are utterly useless and banal, but the last page has the goods — Marco Rubio goes to mass every single fucking day. Seven Catholic masses a week (although I'll bet he goes twice on Sunday). That is not a man — that is a fucking sissy.

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 1:32 am

That's funny, 'cause I was reading an article on Sunday saying that he converted to Mormonism as a teen during a visit to his cousin's, switched back to Catholicism, and is now a Baptist. You know what that makes him? A fucking phoney, that's what.

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2012 at 1:59 am

According to the Politico article he's now a Catholic but also attends some sort of megachurch associated with the Southern Baptist Convention. Dammit, now I'm gonna have to find the article — nevertheless, someone who spends that much time trying to understand the will of something that doesn't exist cannot be said to understand his own values. And without values, how can you trust a leader to do the right thing? May as well spin a wheel and do whatever response comes up.

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2012 at 2:44 am

Okay, here's the relevant page — you won't miss anything by skipping the first three. But he's apparently now a Catholic again, and there was some sort of credit card problem that he had when he paid for personal expenses with his government credit card (gee how fiscally conservative) but he swears he won't do it again. Nothing to see here, promise.

NYNYNYjr May 22, 2012 at 12:10 am

I found some golden plates under a rock and on them were troth written God's instructions that Ron Paul should be chosen as V.P. No, you can't see them. I've lost them. I mean, I've hidden them.

BZ1 May 22, 2012 at 12:24 am

Christie will provide some heft to the campaign!

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 12:50 am

Wow, the list includes Tim Pawlenzzzzzzzzz…….

Negropolis May 22, 2012 at 1:34 am

The Paul Libertarian Army is not pleased.

Dr_pangloss May 22, 2012 at 5:24 am

The meeting of pasty old white rich dudes will now come to order. Geeze.

StealthMuslin May 22, 2012 at 7:12 am

Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. No question.

elgin_pelican May 22, 2012 at 10:41 am

Parties try to balance the ticket, choosing a veep that has qualities the candidate lacks. So, my money is on a human of some type.

BaldarTFlagass May 22, 2012 at 9:22 am

I wonder if the Lakers accept that OKC has a pro b-ball team.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 22, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Always put the green on The Green.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 22, 2012 at 4:32 pm

They do now!

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