The Great OratorLast week we wrote about the latest program that House Republicans drew from their box of Valuable Programs That Benefit Any Number Of People And Aren’t That Expensive But Should Be Destroyed Solely Because A Democrat Likes Them, the American Community Survey — a form of several dozens questions sent to random households each month, the results of which are used by most policy researchers and help determine how some $400 billion in discretionary funds should be allocated. The Republicans are led by freshman Rep. Daniel Webster, who’s trying to snag his one crappy piece of legislation that he can wave around to trick his constituents into thinking he does work and deserves reelection. Webster and others heard that the survey, which is mandatory, sometimes includes a question asking if one’s home has a flush toilet, and so they’re essentially saying that ACS should be destroyed to stop Democrats from watching you poop. No, that’s not fair of us. Because the actual words that come out of Daniel Webster’s mouth whenever he has the misfortune of opening it are so much worse.

Daniel Webster is pretending to be concerned about the ACS on both cost and privacy grounds. It should be noted that on Friday, Daniel Webster voted in favor of a $642 billion National Defense Authorization Act that allows the government to continue to spy on and kill everyone everywhere for bloodsport but otherwise only allocates spending on the most vital functions, such as the creation of a vast East Coast missile defense system designed stop Iranian nuke-tipped ICBMs from hitting any American city.

So what’s your specific policy argument, arrived at only after the most comprehensive weighing of pros and cons, for eliminating the ACS?

“This is a program that intrudes on people’s lives, just like the Environmental Protection Agency or the bank regulators.”

It is not in any way like either of those things and they don’t intrude on people’s lives, but yes, Democrats generally are in favor of preserving the Environmental Protection Agency and believe that financial markets should be regulated. What other clunky GOP focus-grouped buzzword pastiche did you bring to the workshop today? Oh, here is when he tells the many businesses who depend on these survey results and want the program preserved that they’ve got it all wrong:

Mr. Webster says that businesses should instead be thanking House Republicans for reducing the government’s reach.

“What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

Daniel Webster is a United States Congressman and he said, “What really promotes business in this country is liberty, not demand for information.” Gold Star for Daniel Webster, who just last night lost his first baby tooth and today said his first sentence of 13 words! It was the worst combination and sequence of 13 words he could have picked out of the fattest unabridged dictionary of any language in human history, sure, but freshmen congressmen always have a lot of catchin’ up to do. In this sentence he manages to (1) make no sense, make a mockery of sense, (2) dismiss the concerns of and correct America’s beloved Business Job Creator Class, who would gladly Create Jobs if the Washington Politicians just Let Them Create Jobs, and (3) declare that “information” is of no use to business. This is the first time that your Wonkette has seen a congressman explicitly denounce “information.”

How does a survey work, congressman — or should we say, how does it not work, amirite?

“We’re spending $70 per person to fill this out. That’s just not cost effective,” he continued, “especially since in the end this is not a scientific survey. It’s a random survey.”

We were going to respond to that one with a full novella of insults but nevermind, the liberal New York Times gets it done in one line, with this beautiful translation of “You’re a fucking idiot” into objective-journalismese:

In fact, the randomness of the survey is precisely what makes the survey scientific, statistical experts say.

Yeah, but still… big gubmint libs like Princess Nancy want to know about yr shitter ‘n’ stuff, eheh, yep.

(Oh, and about that: “For example, a question on flush toilets — one that some politicians like to cite as being especially invasive — is used to help assess groundwater contamination for rural parts of the country that do not have modern waste disposal systems, according to the Census Bureau.” Commies watchin’ ya poop, is all we’re saying…)


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  • mormos

    it's obvious how those funds should be allocated: corporate subsidies.
    see, no need for the survey.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more boiling frogs in a wheelbarrow.

  • edgydrifter

    Sense is treason.

  • Yeah, fuck that clean air and water.

  • bureaucrap

    would that the national defense was only $642/year. An avatar can dream…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Heck — it would be nice it were that much per person per year.

  • Doesn't Rep. Shit-fer-Brains realize that Government spying may be the only way to find out who has been shitting in in his brain pan all these many, many years?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Commies watchin’ ya poop, is all we’re saying…

    Dan Webster's a Republican, so he secretly enjoys having commies watch him poop.

    • sullivanst

      But he's a Republican, so it's precisely the fact that he secretly enjoys it that makes him want to ban it for everyone else.

  • sorry that "$642" was supposed to be "Nine Trillion War Dollars"

    • SayItWithWookies

      Still free!

    • Callyson

      "And you get all this for the low price of…"

      • And if you order in the next ten minutes, cuz we can't do this all day, we'll include the amazing Slap Chop….

    • Preferred Customer

      But we're borrowing it from the Chinese, so delicious irony!

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    “What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

    I support the 2012 Freedom From Knowledge Act–won't you?

    • I bet he is one of those assholes who thinks his lojack is being used by the police to spy on them.

      • Dildeaux

        Bit off topic, but over at, a bearish financial site, many believe Facebook is a CIA front company aggregating data on hundreds of millions of people.

        • Fare la Volpe

          aggregating data on hundreds of millions of people

          Well they're right on one count.

    • Callyson

      Orwell got it wrong–ignorance isn't strength, it's a business plan.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The nation's morons need representation, too . . . and Webster's doing a heckuva job.

  • memzilla

    I loved playing "Mad Libs" when I was a kid. I never thought it would be used as a template for Rethuglican policy soundbites.

    Just like Mad Libs, the sentences that result don't have to make any sense, either syntactically or logically, the blanks just have to be filled in.

    • Eve8Apples

      Republican said "______ job creator _____ poop _____ socialism _______ birth certificate ____ taxes. "

      • I am a
        who eats
        and doesn't understand what
        is. Having no
        results in higher

  • bordo2

    When new ways to be stupid are invented, Republicans will invent them.

    • finallyhappy

      Yes, I remember when some idiot in Congress(ok, that is hard to narrow down) didn't like my agency studying game theory(in some grant) because playing games is not what we should be funding. Another smart member of Congress(must have been a Dem) attempted to explain to moron NO. 1 what it was- in small 3 and 4 letter words. No success but we didn't lose our funding

    • Republicans = Duh Chemical

  • “What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

    No business would want "information" about their target market! It would mean actually "selling" something that has "utility"!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Should the flush toilet question not be if a home has one, but whether the occupants of the home use the flush toilet or not???

  • FNMA

    Is his daddy the guy who blew the devil in that movie?
    Maybe I'm confusing it with something else…

    • __kth__

      Hopefully there will be a sequel called "The Devil *In* Daniel Webster", in which this guy laughably fails to get his client exonerated, and is sentenced to be rogered by Satan for criminal legal malpractice (which might be a crime I just now made up).

  • nounverb911

    Did he sell his soul to the devil yet?

    • Callyson

      The devil can't keep up with the growth in the supply of souls since the 2010 election.

    • ChessieNefercat

      The devil held Webster's wizened, dumbass little soul between two fingers, curled his lip at it and flung it aside calling for an imp or maybe a minion to bring him a wet wipe for his fingers. "This may be hell", he said, "but we have our standards and we're not cluttering the place up with shit like that."

  • pinkocommi

    The Republitard Party proudly stands up for the right of Americans to have no flush toilet. That's what they call "progress" in the name of "liberty."

    • nounverb911

      Do you know who else promoted "Out Houses"?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Yeah, we don't need no damn bank regulators – when you deposit your money, those bankers should be free to do whatever they want with it, put it all on #7 in the 10th at Belmont, or invest in scratch-offs, it's all good. It's not as if we ever had a problem with panics or runs on banks, stupid libs.

  • I say let's build an electric fence around all the Republicans in Congress.

  • “For example, a question on flush toilets — one that some politicians like to cite as being especially invasive — is used to help assess groundwater contamination for rural parts of the country that do not have modern waste disposal systems, according to the Census Bureau.”

    Hell, all you have to do is ask the town gossip! She can tell you EXACTLY whut that person done flushed, right down to the number of meth capsules!

  • Schmannnity

    Republicans have more outhouses per capita–at least in the South. He's just protecting his voters from embarassment.

    • mcrummett

      It's not working.

  • I didn't read anything, but that guy looks like an ok guy.

  • BFD, a huge box of paper clips and a bundle of rubbers bands ought to be enough!

    • radio-of-owls

      Why'd he flush that original comment? Hmm, I smell a conspiracy.

      • The comment was simply too invasive.

        • radio-of-owls

          I thought maybe he wasn't at liberty to say.

          • not that Radio

            It contained "information".

          • radio-of-owls

            Seemed pretty random to me.

      • I had olives for lunch, sorry.

  • SorosBot

    The Republicans just love to protect big business' "freedom" to go take a dumb everyone else's lawns just because they feel like it; but they still consistently actively oppose actual freedom, like a woman's freedom to control her own vagina.

    • I like it Soros: Webster is afraid spy satellites will watch him "take a dumb."

      • Fuck, C-SPAN can do that, no charge!

    • RavenRant

      The GOP: Getting the government OFF your back and UP your vagina! USA! USA!

    • walterhwhite

      When Republicans take a dump, they actually take a dumb.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Daniel Webster demands not to know anything about you — as long as you're married and having unprotected sex.

    • Guppy

      Does it have to be with the spouse, though?

  • FakaktaSouth

    I can see this man formulating this plan with his staff – "Okay, look – these assholes in the teaparty are coming after guys like me who are as dumb as them now, not just those bitches with Frozen lady parts in Maine! I need a god damned study I can shit on to prove I hate the government too, so that I can keep my government job and get A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR to tell people how much money I think we are wasting."

  • Dildeaux

    Why is Obama creating such a toxic political environment?

  • Eve8Apples

    "It should be noted that on Friday, Daniel Webster voted in favor of a $642 billion National Defense Authorization Act that allows the government to continue to spy on and kill everyone everywhere…"

    Does the $642 billion include the cost of the poop satellites that watch me while I poop?

    • A patriotic American lady would turn on her webcam and let the rest of us government watch for free!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      That's Google Poop.

      • Eve8Apples

        Or Buttbook. If you charge people to watch, then you have a social networking business model that may be profitable. You're welcome, Zuckerburg.

        • Blueb4sunrise


  • OneYieldRegular

    "This is program that intrudes on people's lives, just like fracking-contaminated groundwater and catastrophic unregulated financial mis-management that has led to an economic meltdown with some 16 million Americans out of work."

  • chascates

    Instead of debating the Great Deluder he assumed his nature.

  • dijetlo

    Iz you an idjut?
    A: Yup
    B: Stop oppressing me wit yer soshulizmz!!!
    C: I have a cornstand-two-channel right to be as dumb and loud as I like.
    D: All of the above.

  • Chichikovovich

    In fact, the randomness of the survey is precisely what makes the survey scientific, statistical experts people with more than two brain cells say.

  • AddHomonym

    I'm pooping right now.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "I don't always vote stupid – but when I do, I vote Republican."

  • mavenmaven

    Send Rep Webster some of that free-from-government-intrusion Chinese toothpaste!

    • James Michael Curley

      I work in Jersey City on the Hudson right next to the site where Colgate made most of its products for decades. Our good Gov. Tom Kean determined the lead from the manufacture of billions of old style tooth paste tubes did not need to be cleaned up if they paved the spot for parking lot. When Hartz decided to build on it, our good Gov. Christie Whitman decided Hartz could decide whether its remediation program was sufficient. Hartz decided they did not need to remediate as they could construct the 11 story buildings on piling driven into the ground. When the process began, every time they drove a piling to a certain point thick sudsy water would start to erupt in geysers about three to eight feet high. This just ran off into the Hudson. Some pilings were pounded down through three lengths of 16 foot pilings, some stopped halfway in when bed rock was hit. Still each one went about four feet in and the geyser would start.

  • Terry

    You could tell without looking that Rep. Daniel Webster is from Florida, couldn't you?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not orange enough . . . I had guessed Oklahoma.

    • finallyhappy

      nah- could have been AZ, LA, MS, OK

    • He looks like Mark Foley.

      Hmmmmm…wait a minute…

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    This is a serious blow to the credibility of any college student whose essay begins "According to Webster…"

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      "… FREEDOM! This essay contains no information so it's an A grade, right?"

      • In certain southern California community college polisci programs, yes.

  • Come here a minute

    Rep. Daniel Webster poops on your statistical experts!

  • MissTaken

    For a guy named after the dictionary he sure doesn't know how words work.

  • Callyson

    “What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

    Yeah, because it's not as if businesses spend any time on trivial matters such as market research or R&D.


    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      I remember an awesome time back in the days of yore when companies worked on liberty and a lack of information. They'd pay HTML "engineers" $150K and give them foosball tables and invest $20M in a company building things like a Breakfast Cereal Portal or a site which would ship a 50lb bag of dog chow across the country and not charge shipping.

      I forget whatever happened in the end, but I expect it was jerbs and low taxes or something.

      • I heard it floated away down the Amazon

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Bet Danny's last listing for a roommate on Capitol Hill included a request that any prospective roommate will have to log all bowel movements on a form on the bathroom door..

    • Jus_Wonderin

      He said "Log". Hehehe

  • The irony of this mouth breather not knowing the words of his namesake is not lost on, well me at least – From Daniel Webster's "Second Response to Hayne' Let their last feeble and lingering glance rather behold the gorgeous ensign of the republic… not a stripe erased or polluted, nor a single star obscured, bearing for its motto, no such miserable interrogatory as "What is all this worth?" nor those other words of delusion and folly, "Liberty first and Union afterwards"; but everywhere, spread all over in characters of living light, blazing on all its ample folds, as they float over the sea and over the land, and in every wind under the whole heavens, that other sentiment, dear to every true American heart,— Liberty and Union, now and for ever, one and inseparable!

    • I see an email in your future…

  • dijetlo

    Sen Diaper Dave Vitter will actually pay you to watch him poop so….PROFIT!!!!!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Yeah, I hate how the bank regulators intrude on people's lives. We should just let the free market do the regulating: if you don't like how your big bank gambled away your savings, you can always start over (at age 55), put your money in another big bank, and hope that their gambles pay off better. (The bank executives, of course, get paid millions regardless, because free markets.)

  • I'm surprised he didn't just demand that the 400 billion be given to the GOP. Community, schmoonity– fuck the people!

  • ChessieNefercat

    Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. I'm a scientist, so things like "this is not a scientific survey. It’s a random survey" just make my teeth hurt.

    But the pain diminishes when I reflect on the truly wondrous level of stupidity contained in this sentence: “What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.” Stupidity at its finest, most gloriously proud level of being. You can almost hear the angels singing at its awesomeness.

    Can't somebody just lock him in a restroom stall until his term expires? Supply it with some comic book toilet paper and he can entertain himself for months.

    • radio-of-owls

      lock him in a restroom stall

      Without a flush toilet, of course.

    • anniegetyerfun

      As a small business owner, the last thing I have ever wanted is information. When potential clients, for instance, try to give me their business cards, I immediately burn them, for freedom.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    A SMART congresscritter would know that poop monitoring is a way to identify terrorist cells.

    • "This one has lots of hummus in his turds. Gitmo him!"

  • Poindexter718

    Asking a random sample of Americans about their plumbing? Privacy invasion!
    Government mandated & medically unnecessary probes of women's reproductive plumbing if they wish to undergo a perfectly legal medical procedure? It's all good.

  • Eve8Apples

    “What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

    Everyone knows the most successful businesses are the ones that make random decisions based upon no information. Little known fact — Warren Buffett chooses Berkshire Hathaway investments by randomly pulling corporate names from a hat. He doesn't bother to research anything.

  • V572 Is this him?

    Rep Connie Mack, Rep Daniel Webster—what's w/all these faux/retro names for congressmen? Can we have a Rep George Washington? How about Senator Jesus H Christ?

    Rep Brigham Young (R, UT) concurs with this suggestion, by the way.

    • How about Senator Jesus H Christ?

      Actually, John Edwards heard this a lot from his staff once the Enquirer story broke, only it was pronounced more like "Senator?????? JESUS H CHRIST!!!!".

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Reagan H. Christ for President. The "H" stands for "Freedom".

  • PsycWench

    To be fair, to a Republican of this caliber, a "scientific survey" is one sent to the people who are most likely to reply in the way he wants. decidedly NOT randomly. The Republican view of science involves a lot of manipulation.

  • Oblios_Cap

    So does this make Grover Nordquist the Devil in this sordid little tale?

  • ttommyunger

    Well, they've been at war with the Vay-Jay, now they're zeroing in on the pooper, which brave Rethugican Jaggoff is going to introduce a Bill to provide moar Freedums to the Taint?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    “What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

    "The Prisoner" was a tv show, dear. Those big balloons bouncing around the beach were just big plastic balloons….

  • radio-of-owls

    I knew I'd seen this guy's picture before. He was the "After" picture in an ad for Country Joe's Lobotomy & Oil Change Shop over there in Bald Knob County.

    • Ah yes, home of Bald Knob H.S. and its mascot, the Gobbler.

  • MissTaken

    Am I the only one getting a Mark Foley vibe from this guy's picture?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I see that. But the way his head is cocked looks like my Doxie when I say something that is not "treat, walk, nap, mailman".

    • radio-of-owls
    • sullivanst

      I kinda get a Ben Nelson being portrayed for SNL by Steve Martin vibe out of the photo. More of a Steve Martin in The Jerk vibe from his legislating.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        "The new phonebooks are here!!!!!"

  • Slim_Pickins

    Daniel Webster is (was) a Whig and could put together a sentence that made sense. I hope the The Daniel Webster's sake, that they are unrelated.

  • Baconzgood

    Science isn't scientific because it uses too much science.

  • [T]his is not a scientific survey. It’s a random survey.”

    So I guess he is also opposed to opinion polling showing how well he is doing in his race for re-election? Jesus H. Christ fucking a no-legged prostitute, is this guy dumb.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Jesus H. Christ fucking a no-legged prostitute…"

      The phrase I heard growing up was "Jesus H jumped up Christ on a chariot-driven sidecar", whatever the hell that means.

      • The "Jesus H. Christ [engaged in some random activity]" construction is one I picked up reading Charlie Pierce's blog over at Esquire. He and his commenters are always using it: Jesus H. Christ ordering off the vegan menu, Jesus H. Christ drinking a pitcher of margaritas at Mexicali in Los Feliz, stuff like that.

  • fuflans

    this is the guy that beat alan grayson?

    god FL you so crazy.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “What really promotes business in this country is liberty,” he said, “not demand for information.”

    I, for one, really like surfing here on the liberty highway.

  • CommieLibunatic

    If I hear one more of these GOP goons go on about "liberty," I'm going to punch every American flag on the planet.

  • RavenRant

    'Taliban Dan' Webster replaced Alan Grayson. Voters in that district should be institutionalized. They are a clear danger to themselves and others.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I have no problems with Republicans watching me poop. But they are going to have to pay for the privileged. You don't give that shit away for free!

  • anniegetyerfun

    The real victim here is Sarah Palin. And I'm being serious, because I assume that she still has outhouses on her Alaskan homestead.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Outhouses are for fancy, Socialist elitist. Sarah just let's everything drop where she is, as God intended.

  • Antispandex

    Is he saying, "Look here peoples! Bankers, polluters, toilets…same thing."? Because, you know, maybe he's onto something.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Information is the scourge of small businesses the world over! That's what they taught us in Marketing 101.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Remember when we learned about Paul Revere ridin' through town, ringin' those bells and clangin' that cookware, warnin' the British that we wouldn't let anyone force information on us…

    And who can forget Patrick Henry's stirring cry, "Give me liberty, or give me death, but under no circumstances will I accept information! So don't you try to give me any!" (Most of us have only ever heard the abridged version, of course.)

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      "Clangin' that cookware…"

      He was going to cook up some freedoms for Jesus!

  • InnerPrincess

    So, does the Republican hivemind simply collapse when faced with the Freedom of Information act?

  • owhatever

    You libruls didn't see our Four Fathers sending out polls for information before they wrote "Battleship."

  • Guppy

    It's not like there's any household in the wealthiest country in the world that lacks indoor plumbing.

  • BlueStateLibel

    There is just so much ignorance and stupidity in just that one sentence, “This is a program that intrudes on people’s lives, just like the Environmental Protection Agency or the bank regulators” that Wonkette has already filled its quota of quoting stupid things stupid people say for the entire week.

    • Good news, Rebecca! You can give your staff the week off!

    • bikerlaureate

      It's like something Grayson, or "The Onion," would write to mock the teabagger viewpoint.

  • Daniel Webster is a disgrace to the name of Daniel Webster

  • DahBoner

    Republicans are like dogs.

    They actually prefer to drink out of the toilet…

  • TerreG

    When he was in the state legislature crazy bills were called a "Danny Wesbster bill".

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