In a time when gay satan has plagued the churches with rampant homosexual battles, a breath of fresh air has been given to those on the side of good. The righteous have found their cleaner and he knows what he’s doing. He is a man of God and he has an impressive way of showing his devotion to the Holy Spirit. His name is John Fiala and he hates gays so much that he had to become one to beat one.

Father John Fiala was a good Catholic priest residing in the great state of Texas. He was always there for the kids, he was quite approachable and he knew where all the good motels were. Father John had a way of connecting with certain lost souls. He had a way of sniffing out those in danger of facing the gay devil nestled within boys. It was a very warm and gay Texas summer day when Father John’s pelvic powered Jesus compass pointed straight up to a young boy. This was the moment he was waiting for. This boy was going to be saved!

The lad had no idea he was in danger of being gay. Father John worked tirelessly trying to convince the boy that he was. Nothing was getting through to the boy, so Father John did what any normal Catholic priest would do. He forced himself sexually upon the boy repeatedly, sometimes at gunpoint (just to make sure they were safe from any outside gays picking up on the gay vibe). No matter what Father John tried, he couldn’t get the boy to understand that he was going to someday become gay. So, Jesus told Father John to have him killed. But Father John was a good man and couldn’t kill an innocent boy just because he was lost. That’s why he hired a hit man.

Unfortunately for Father John, his methods were not agreed upon by his fellow Catholic dudes resulting in de-fathering him. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he has since found himself victim to the gay deities that run the justice system and has now found his new place of worship in prison for the next 60 years. Wonkette wishes Father John the best of luck in continuing to root out the evil gays in prison.


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  • Barb

    I am snarkless and completely aghast.

  • Come here a minute

    Further jousting and swordfights in this battle in the name of God are expected.

    • criminogenic doubt some time spent as hand maiden and 'our lady of the swallows' as well.

  • DrunkIrishman

    I can take pictures of my TV too!

  • bumfug

    It's just the long-established practice of Catholic priests, "Prey the gay away!"

  • mavenmaven

    But he certainly believes Obama is evil and it is a crime against God that insurance companies have to cover contraception.

    • ibwilliamsi

      Only because he himself does not see the value of contraception.

  • glamourdammerung

    Bill Donohue blaming the victim in 3….2….

    • is there a lower scumbag than that man? besides this man?

  • hollywooddood

    Burn in hell, Father.

  • MissTaken

    "Fiala was sentenced to 60 years in prison. He'll be eligible for parole in 2027."

    And yet Drug Mule Granny will spend the rest of her life in prison because there is no parole in the Federal system. The system obviously works.

    • bikerlaureate

      Well, he hasn't been sentenced on the sex charges yet (different county).

      Another pair of sentences in the Dallas News article are sublime:

      In closing arguments, prosecutors asked for a life sentence for ex-priest John Fiala. Defense attorney Rex Gunter said anything more than 15 years would be a "travesty."

      • Does he think the kid will get over what happened to him in 15 years? He should have to answer THAT question.

      • sullivanst

        15 years, 60 years, life… not convinced that there's any differentiation between them, as I somehow doubt he has the tools to survive an American prison under any circumstances, and people who've done what he did have, shall we say, a somewhat worse than median time of it behind bars.

        • bikerlaureate

          Since we can't seem to run humane prisons, maybe changing his identity before incarcerating him is the way to go. It's disgusting that the ability to protect prisoners is flawed to the extent that it can affect sentencing…

          • sullivanst

            You mean to say that the profit motive has not served to protect the rights of individuals who have no financial input to the system? Strange, that.

  • Well, I certainly feel comfortable having individuals like this fine upstanding pillar of the community dictating to the rest of us on issues of sexual morality.

    • glamourdammerung

      You would think they would at least change clothes first so they were not lecturing everyone about how awful the homosexuals are while wearing a dress.

  • glamourdammerung


  • Vecchiojohn

    He will be fucked up the ass for the sins of Bernard Francis Law.

  • Guppy

    Father John committed the greatest sin in the Catholic canon: he was caught.

    • tessiee

      That's the greatest sin in any system of thought.

  • So Elisa Castillo gets life w/o parole for a first time drug offense and this fucking predator-in-cloth gets 60 years–eligible for parole.
    Texass Justice, everyone!

    • PsycWench

      Where's the death penalty when you really need it? I was going to say "just kidding" but I don't know that I am.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      The 60 years, eligible for parole in 2027 is for the crime of soliciting capital murder. They haven't tried the sexual assault charges yet.

  • Every time I hear a story like this one, it removes any doubts I have about ever going back to church. Enjoy the the slammer, asshole.

    • emmelemm

      I doubt his asshole will enjoy the slammer. But I believe that's what we call "karma".

    • reasonbran

      It would actually be more like "Enjoy the slamming, asshole."

  • Dudleydidwrong

    He waves his mighty religion pole
    And shoots religion all through the boy's soul–
    See, it's all a matter of cultic ritual.

    Fr. Dipshit should spend the rest of his years giving and receiving cultic rituals in prison. Think of the saved, man! Think of the saved!

  • __kth__

    The plot turn was somewhat unexpected, as 16 is usually a little old for those guys (half-serious, actually; I was a little surprised that the priest went after someone possibly old and big enough to kick his ass).

    • S'pose that'd explain the gun.

    • Guppy

      The fact that the victim was more than old enough to understand "bad touch" is probably why we're hearing about it now as opposed to years after his death.

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    This must have happened a long time ago because the Church has so much time on its hands to file lawsuits against birth control instead of focusing on taking care of its own.

    • miss_grundy

      And telling nuns to stop helping the poor and sick. The nuns should now spend all their time preaching against birth control and abortion.

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        Oh and don't forget investigating the Girl Scouts! Those Thin Mints truly are teh Devil's food!!!

        • I think the priest was eating Samoas. 'Cause he kept wanting Samoa of that.

  • ratcityrebel

    Satan's minions are occupying your balls, and it's my job to get them out of there, dammit!

  • flamingpdog

    Is there something wrong with my Wonkette, or is there no author of this blog post?

    • flamingpdog

      Never mind. I guess he was just hiding it in small print.

      • anniegetyerfun

        It threw me off, too.

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Thank fuck somebody else said this; the author bar now lives at the bottom of the article. You don't even see it when the post is opened.

      I don't like it at all.

      I do like to know when one of the authors makes a bon mot or fine turn of phrase, especially when I can check.

      No, this new thing is bullshit IMHO.

      Moan over.

      edit: not moan: Perhaps this is to drive traffic not by author but by content? A laudable aim, but if I (personally because I'm an idiot) thought it was a KBJ post and it turns out to be a Benincasa post it might be very confusing. Bylines are bylines, right? When Lisa writes her (great) stuff from Paris, I'm always interested whereas others might not be so much.

      • flamingpdog

        I realized that that way you kind of have to scan over the "More From Wonkette" and "From Around the Web" box that I think a lot of folks (*cough*) tend to ignore.

        • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          Almost any change for our new site I've been fine with. Change is good.

          This particular one – well meh. It's just me fucking moaning.

          • Noticed that too.. Down is the new up.*

            *Edited to omit crazy nutso details.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Minor infobar changes do not upset me in the least … we need an "Expand All Comments" option, or EVEN BETTER, make it the default.

      Hear us, O Worthly Wonkett Overlords!

      • anniegetyerfun

        I would like some sort of neato application that would warn me when someone else had already posted the same joke that I did mere seconds before me.

        • Yeah, no shit. That would have helped me in this overall thread. Damn you, MissTaken!

        • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          Or when someone changes their avatar and confuses the hell out of us.

          And THANK YOU MAITRESSE EDITRIX! It's good to see who wrote the post.

          • Fare la Volpe

            I accept this new compromise. I'm willing to read ads to get to the comments so long as the contributors get their credit where credit is due.

          • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            Me too. It wasn't the number of comments or anything, it was the author bit which I didn't like so much.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Aw! You don't like my new face? But it's so tan!

          • Lascauxcaveman

            I'll always picture you as a pink Glock 9mm.

        • Barb

          If you post the same thought as someone else and it was mere seconds ago, just let it stand. It shows that we are alike in thought sometimes. It doesn't diminish what you are thinking, truly. (in my opinion) If I found the first post funny, I will find yours funny too.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Yeah, that's just the way things work here in the Wonkette hivemind.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Ha! Easy to say for the first person to get a word in.Seriously, though, you'd be amazed how many people will point you to their joke (“See above”) from a minute before.

          • Barb

            I get the opposite reaction. The person who matches my post will come and post under my post and bitch and whine and act like an asshole. : )

        • cheetojeebus

          or one with clever suggestions when your feeling dry? A little list with radio buttons to make your choice.
          per esempio:
          this is good news for__________.
          You know who else_____________.
          eat a bag of rat dicks______________.

      • how bout latest comments on iop?

  • Skullfry Buddha

    Not a week goes by where I find more reasons to not trust Christians. If someone I meet proclaims their love of God my first thought it, "I got my eye on you, pal."

    • flamingpdog

      I make sure to keep my eye on my front pants pocket, where I keep my wallet and ….

      • sharethegrief

        Never trust a person with a fish on their business card.

        • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          I heard a great story from a chap who had a plant hire business in the South.

          Whenever some chancing fuck came in and said "I'm a Christian Businessman" the chap would bring out a piece of paper from his desk and say

          "ah you get the proper pricelist. You get 20% off this."

          It was 45% over anyone who didn't try that bullshit.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Is that… a thing? Like, do people expect discounts for being Christian?

          • Fare la Volpe

            No, but they think it counts towards their "I'm Honest John, you can trust me" sleazy salesman quotient.

            It's very common in the south to hear a local company tout "the Christian way we do business." Something tells me the Rosenbergs touting their religion as a business model wouldn't go over quite so well.

          • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            From all the anecdotal evidence I've heard (and, natch, that's anecdotal) they're the fucking worst to do business with.

            And it is kinda a thing in small business.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          I recently saw the little fish decal with "And Chips" written inside.

    • Guppy

      Not a week goes by where I find more reasons to not trust Christians.

      Meanwhile, all Muslims wear explosive vests all the time, and you're long past due to self-immolate.

      • Skullfry Buddha

        I don't see your point…please elaborate.

    • criminogenic

      I assume not in a romantic way.

  • LettucePrey

    I'm surprised the guy wasn't made a bishop. He has all the credentials for the job.

  • the_problem_child

    I don't see any upside to this story.

    • LettucePrey

      Here's the bright side: I’m sure he’s forgiven himself.

      • Forgiven? He did absolutely nothing wrong– which is why he belongs with other sociopaths.

    • reasonbran

      He's getting his divine comeuppance. As in, he'll be getting a lot of cum up his ass. That's more like a backside than an upside, I guess, but you get my point.

  • From what I've heard of the way child molesters are treated in prison, something tells me this guy won't make his parole date.

  • Negropolis

    OT: Can we haz the infobar back above the post instead of below it?

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Seconded and I've already moaned hard about it.

      • flamingpdog

        Me three.

        • redarmyzombie


  • anniegetyerfun

    Father John’s Pelvic Powered Jesus Compass would be a great name for a band. There's nothing else in this that made me smirk, not even once.

  • fuflans

    i too appreciate a nice bedtime story.

  • dsgruntled

    As a former alter boy I shudder each time one of these stories surfaces. My heart goes out to those poor young men and my total hatred goes out to those bastards who abused their power and influence. May he burn forever in hell.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I hear. I am also, too, a former altar boy, 100% un-molested, but I was especially ugly as a child.

  • Aridzona

    Father forgive me for I have gayed.

  • tessiee

    I don't think Satan is Gay Satan.
    I think Satan is regular Satan.
    Gay Satan is *Satin*.

    Also, this child raping piece of shit had better be careful not to drop the soap in prison.

    • criminogenic

      oh rest assured regardless possesion of soap, this guy has some not-so-romantic romantic encounters to look forward to.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He's going to really miss his prison life, eventually.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Fuck it. I'm all for gallows humor, even in the most disgusting of cases, but I can't even snark about this.

    I hope that boy finds peace in his life, and that priest finds an almighty fisting in hell.

  • flamingpdog

    From the newspaper story: Fiala also apparently used a Facebook account under the name “Ziggy the Great,” collected toys and had a Sponge Bob Square Pants calendar, according to testimony.


    • Fare la Volpe

      Jesus fuck I just threw up.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Totally. There is nothing creepier than Sponge Bob.

    • An_Outhouse

      SPONGE BOB LIBEL!!!11!!

  • rocktonsam

    once again, being gay will be confused with being a rapist and/or child molester.

    thanks catlicks

  • shortsandpants

    The Golden Rule does not equate to a pedo-Golden Shower. Also, "loving thy neighbor as thyself" does not end with "frequently." Jeebus these Priests need to get laid.

    • CapnFatback

      Well, look who the Pedobear dragged in.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I almost assumed that he was part of one of those crazy, evangelical off-shoot "Catholic" churches, too, seeing as how he is from Texas, but no. Roman Catholic, all the way.

    "According to CBS News, the boy filed a lawsuit in April 2010 against the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of San Antonio alleging he was sexually assaulted on several occasions and that the archdiocese was aware there were problems with Fiala."

    Oh, good, so it really WAS another one of those things where the higher-ups were aware.

  • ttommyunger

    Sixty years in the slammer? One word: NEXT!

  • Negropolis

    Okay, finally read the post. I'm at a lost for words. Actually.

  • Beowoof

    And people wonder why I think the Catholic religion is so much horseshit.

    • Doktor StrangeZoom

      Oh, but the beautiful contemplative something something comfort of the liturgy something blah blah tradition and jesus christ they have a lot of rapey priests.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Don't forget the soaring Gothic arches. And Mel Gibson.

        • redarmyzombie

          I think they try to play down that last one these days.

        • Negropolis

          Also flying buttresses. Also.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      They do?

  • BZ1

    Kinda think that some folks in the slammer will not be all that welcoming to a child molester?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Gee, you leave an [organization of] insular, secretive, authoritarian, knowledge-sequestering Machiavellian sadists to police themselves for two thousand years and habitual institutionalized child molestation springs up for no reason at all. Who would've guessed?

    Oh, and of course these are the motherfuckers who want to take credit for the Constitution, which is the antithesis of everything these vile bastards espouse. Enlightenment Humanism had the good sense to be the prevalent moral philosophy for the exact same glint in time that our founders were putting our government together. Had we to form a nation from scratch today, the result would probably be horrifying.

    Edit: added the two words in square brackets. They just bring the whole sentence together.

  • radio-of-owls

    The Catholic Church: putting the papist in rapist for 2000 years.

  • pinkocommi

    This kind of thing would not happen if only women were allowed to be Catholic Priests.

    • Fare la Volpe

      No, these guys would still be raping kids. They just wouldn't be able to get away with it.

      As much.

    • I think this woulhn't happen if priests could get married – including gay married. Iy=t would stil happen, but not at like 4000% f the national average.

  • Jesus, Father, have some dignity. You're not a Penn State football coach.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You don't even get a rimshot for that one, Mr. Leno.

      • I'll scuttle back to my village in shame.

      • Negropolis

        Hey, them's fightin' words, calling him Leno and such.

  • MiniMencken

    Working on a ballad about this. So far, I have "Out in the West Texas town of Rocksprings/I fell in lust with a hetero boy." But, right after that, I start getting blocked.

  • Negropolis

    OT: Oh, god. George Tierney, Jr. of Greenvile, South Carolina is spinning out of control right. fuckin'. NOW! It is a thing of beauty.

    Begun, the Twitter Wars have. Warblog!

    • Fukui-sanRadioBarb


      adults talk, you cant, but i dont insult that…you just cant figure out the nigger is a liar…good luck

      i think anyone who votes obama, needs a included ass monkey

      ya cant fix stupid, and you fucks are retards…love it…you think im quitting?? obama and his followers are gd idiots

      Seems some already had their "labotomy"

    • SayItWithWookies

      Yikes — ugly's gonna ugly. Seriously that dude is just sad and needs help. I can't think of anything satisfying about someone just saying shit like that.

    • love that he ends with "i'll hammer you ass!" so telling…

    • Who is that fucktard?

      • Negropolis

        Some asshole that took a few minutes of his day to personally call Sandra Fluke a "cunt" and a "dick suker" on Twitter, and then totally requesting firedoglake to not only not bring up the fact that he did it, but essentially delete his searches from Google. lol

        Mean and stupid is no way to go through life. I love the first thing he puts out there in his Twitter handle is that he's a father. Fuckin' goon.

    • Man, dat aggressive, racist, vulgarity. If I didn't recall how George Tierney, Jr. of Greenville, South Carolina made news in the first place, I might almost suspect that his account had been hacked.

      As it is, the way this aggression and public fuckheadedness seems to come in waves, and late at night, I'm suspecting a drinking problem.

      • Drinking problem possibly. Pure red-neckedness, for sure. And the bad redneck kind, not the good one. Yes, there are good good-ole-boys and -girls. This guy ruins it for everyone.

        Makes me ashamed (for yet another reason) that I live in SC. It's a nice place, folks, but we do have our crazies.

        I can't wait to go to the Drinking Liberally gathering tonight! Should be quite a discussion.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Reading this makes me want to repeatedly punch Maggie Gallagher and Bill Donohue in the head, moreso than I usually do that is.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Oh, there's also this useless, good for nothing dress-wearing hypocrite. Fuck the Catholic Church.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Father John at least used a condom, right?

  • Barb

    Hey bitches! How many of you are following @commiegirl1 (Rebecca) and @wonkette on the Twitter thingy? I'm there as @Barbara102006 and so is the luscious Lizzie and our bestie, Tommy.

    We already know who wins the Presidential election, If "I'll Have Another" wins the triple crown and we have the winning numbers in Saturday's $110 million dollar jackpot drawing. Okay, not really. Or am I lying? You have to come and join us to find out. The first 10 followers get the information on the election, the horsey thingy and the lottery jackpot.

    • I just started following you. Check your list. Look for a woman standing by a distance marker post. Won't be the same name I use on here.

      • Barb

        Good to see you!

        • Good to see you too. I don't write much but I do read a lot.

          Did I mention that I am not *from* SC I just live here? For the time being anyway.

          • Barb

            Sara Benincasa got a tattoo of one of the Carolina's on her arm this weekend. I forget which one though.

          • On purpose?

            Which did you forget? Which arm or which Carolina? Sorry. I just couldn't resist.

          • Barb

            Yes, on purpose! Left arm, forget which Carolina.

    • Buckminster

      Hey, as the proud winner of an exacta bet on the Preakness, I approve.

      • Barb

        Buck! Our friend, Mike did the same. Congrats to you!

  • Wait a Catholic Priest actually was caught and faces jail time over this? Maybe it is a new day… or did he get cuaght errr.. red handed?

  • Negropolis

    Wait, so there is actually shit so heinous that the "punishment" won't simply be transferring parishes?

    "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them."

    "The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock: and dust shall be the serpent's meat. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain, saith the LORD"

    Truly, we must be in the end of days.

  • PuglyDoRight

    But they will redeem themselves by suing President Obama so the ladies can't have any birth control, thus insuring their complete and total abstention from sexual activity. Sorry, I couldn't type that with a straight face.

  • StealthMuslin

    Texan. Priest. Pedo. At least he made it a hat trick.

  • To God in Heaven we complain
    Kyrie eleison
    That the priests cannot be slain
    Kyrie eleison

    — peasant song, 1400s

  • DaRooster

    "…his methods were not agreed upon by his fellow Catholic dudes…"

    This is the only surprise of this story.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Father John is a priest down in Texas
    You know he knows exactly what butt sex is
    He ain't gonna be able to escape prison justice
    Gonna be wishing he was born with two assholes

    Go on, plug the booty and run

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Getting ass-rammed in the slammer may not be the horrible punishment we are imagining here; he may be one of those who believes in turning the other cheek, and that it is just as good to receive as it is to give…

    • Skullfry Buddha

      As I understand it, rapists are in it for the power. Unless Father McRapeytime can beat the shit out of and rape the first muscled skinhead he sees, he's in for a rough time.


  • thatsitfortheother1

    Need snarkable story ASAP.

  • Buckminster

    This is just too bizarre to be realls!

  • An_Outhouse

    Now we know what it takes to be de-fathered. I was getting the impression there was nothing too evil for a man of god.

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