Priestly Beast

Priest Battles Homosexuality One 16-Year-Old At A Time

In a time when gay satan has plagued the churches with rampant homosexual battles, a breath of fresh air has been given to those on the side of good. The righteous have found their cleaner and he knows what he’s doing. He is a man of God and he has an impressive way of showing his devotion to the Holy Spirit. His name is John Fiala and he hates gays so much that he had to become one to beat one.

Father John Fiala was a good Catholic priest residing in the great state of Texas. He was always there for the kids, he was quite approachable and he knew where all the good motels were. Father John had a way of connecting with certain lost souls. He had a way of sniffing out those in danger of facing the gay devil nestled within boys. It was a very warm and gay Texas summer day when Father John’s pelvic powered Jesus compass pointed straight up to a young boy. This was the moment he was waiting for. This boy was going to be saved!

The lad had no idea he was in danger of being gay. Father John worked tirelessly trying to convince the boy that he was. Nothing was getting through to the boy, so Father John did what any normal Catholic priest would do. He forced himself sexually upon the boy repeatedly, sometimes at gunpoint (just to make sure they were safe from any outside gays picking up on the gay vibe). No matter what Father John tried, he couldn’t get the boy to understand that he was going to someday become gay. So, Jesus told Father John to have him killed. But Father John was a good man and couldn’t kill an innocent boy just because he was lost. That’s why he hired a hit man.

Unfortunately for Father John, his methods were not agreed upon by his fellow Catholic dudes resulting in de-fathering him. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he has since found himself victim to the gay deities that run the justice system and has now found his new place of worship in prison for the next 60 years. Wonkette wishes Father John the best of luck in continuing to root out the evil gays in prison.

[Towleroad]

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About the author

Erik Jay is currently unemployed, but has a history of managing various motels and quitting customer service jobs on day 1. He still feels accomplished graduating from a continuation high school in 1989.

View all articles by Erik Jay

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164 comments

        1. redarmyzombie

          I know what you mean. All I can say is I hope Mr. Fiala has a good, long time with Bubba while he's there.

    1. flamingpdog

      I thought Rebecca was going to end the day with the "happy" post about Dick Cheney stew. Now I haz teh sadz.

    2. flamingpdog

      I think we need a rule #5 at teh Wonkette: No blog posts after 6PM Mountain Time (5 PM Pacific, 8 PM Eastern, fuck the Central Time Zone) that make people want to go up to their bedroom when they're tired and maybe even drunk* after a long day at their jerb and pull the pistol out of the side-table drawer.

      *I'm temporarily on the wagon because of a sinus infection.

      1. Barb

        I hope you feel better soon. Have you tried a sinus rinse? The first time I used one I swore that I would never do it again. Once you get past the first time you will be able to do it without blinking.

          1. flamingpdog

            No joke, sinus infections can kill you. It happened to a professional colleague of mine back in 1984, only three months after I had sinus surgery myself for an infection I had left untreated for almost a year. He did the same thing, and the infection spread into his brain, causing a stroke. Three days later he had another stroke and the second one killed him.

        1. JustPixelz

          You, um, waterboarded yourself. Side-effects may include strange confessions. Do not think of Dick Cheney as this may cause an unusual rise in blood pressure. Seek medical help if you have unblinking eyes lasting over four hours.

        2. flamingpdog

          Golly, thanks, everybody! I'm under the care of an oral surgeon for my sinus infection, which he helped cause by grafting bone into the sinus in my right upper jaw bone two weeks ago so he could put in some dental implants later this year. Anitobiotics, antibiotic mouthwash, hopefully he doesn't have to go back in. I last had a sinus infection in 1984 and the ENT surgeon who operated on me then assured me I'd never have another sinus infection in my life. I guess he was right for 28 years.

      2. smokefilledroommate

        Sheesh– Awhile back (early '90's) I got massively drunk on Jägermeister shots. I spewed whatever was in my stomach all over the wall and woke up a complete mess; I wound up with a sinus infection. I've seriously not had a drink (or sniff) of the Jäg since then (twenty years!) because I'm certain I would involuntarily wretch. (Even thinking about the taste and smell of Jägermeister to this day makes me queasy).

        1. Skullfry Buddha

          I need to stay away from Pina Coladas and extra cheese pizzas for a similar reason. Long story…long, horrible, ghastly story.

          1. sullivanst

            I haven't touched coconut rum since college, even though it was really the 5 pints of Guinness in a very short period of time* that were the problem (and very messy), it was the Malibu I topped it all off with that my stomach remembered.

            * I've always remembered it as half an hour, but given the Guinness drinking was done in the bar, that's unpossible as there's no way one could possibly be served five times in a half hour at a bar; also I never drank beer that close to that fast before or since. Ah, the stupid things we do when young…

        2. Gunner Asch

          The thought of Butter Brickle ice cream still causes a wave of queasiness ever since that unfortunate unrestrained access to a half gallon at age 10.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Richard Linklater’s really got his work cut out for him this time.

      (Go see Bernie if it's playing in your town. Texas crazy, Texas charm, Texas murder … and Jack Black – in what's got to be his best role evah – with a genuine East Texas Greek Chorus.)

  1. Come here a minute

    Further jousting and swordfights in this battle in the name of God are expected.

    1. criminogenic

      ..no doubt some time spent as hand maiden and 'our lady of the swallows' as well.

  2. mavenmaven

    But he certainly believes Obama is evil and it is a crime against God that insurance companies have to cover contraception.

  3. MissTaken

    "Fiala was sentenced to 60 years in prison. He'll be eligible for parole in 2027."

    And yet Drug Mule Granny will spend the rest of her life in prison because there is no parole in the Federal system. The system obviously works.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Well, he hasn't been sentenced on the sex charges yet (different county).

      Another pair of sentences in the Dallas News article are sublime:

      In closing arguments, prosecutors asked for a life sentence for ex-priest John Fiala. Defense attorney Rex Gunter said anything more than 15 years would be a "travesty."

      1. sullivanst

        15 years, 60 years, life… not convinced that there's any differentiation between them, as I somehow doubt he has the tools to survive an American prison under any circumstances, and people who've done what he did have, shall we say, a somewhat worse than median time of it behind bars.

        1. bikerlaureate

          Since we can't seem to run humane prisons, maybe changing his identity before incarcerating him is the way to go. It's disgusting that the ability to protect prisoners is flawed to the extent that it can affect sentencing…

          1. sullivanst

            You mean to say that the profit motive has not served to protect the rights of individuals who have no financial input to the system? Strange, that.

  4. Mumbly_Libel

    Well, I certainly feel comfortable having individuals like this fine upstanding pillar of the community dictating to the rest of us on issues of sexual morality.

    1. glamourdammerung

      You would think they would at least change clothes first so they were not lecturing everyone about how awful the homosexuals are while wearing a dress.

  5. glamourdammerung

    BY ARRESTING THIS GUY FOR DOING JEEZUZ'S WORK, NOBAMA'S THUGS HAVE DECLARED WAR ON RELIGION!!!!!1111!!!

  6. smokefilledroommate

    So Elisa Castillo gets life w/o parole for a first time drug offense and this fucking predator-in-cloth gets 60 years–eligible for parole.
    Texass Justice, everyone!

    1. PsycWench

      Where's the death penalty when you really need it? I was going to say "just kidding" but I don't know that I am.

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      The 60 years, eligible for parole in 2027 is for the crime of soliciting capital murder. They haven't tried the sexual assault charges yet.

  7. ChilLysol

    Every time I hear a story like this one, it removes any doubts I have about ever going back to church. Enjoy the the slammer, asshole.

    1. emmelemm

      I doubt his asshole will enjoy the slammer. But I believe that's what we call "karma".

  8. Dudleydidwrong

    He waves his mighty religion pole
    And shoots religion all through the boy's soul–
    See, it's all a matter of cultic ritual.

    Fr. Dipshit should spend the rest of his years giving and receiving cultic rituals in prison. Think of the saved, man! Think of the saved!

  9. __kth__

    The plot turn was somewhat unexpected, as 16 is usually a little old for those guys (half-serious, actually; I was a little surprised that the priest went after someone possibly old and big enough to kick his ass).

    1. Guppy

      The fact that the victim was more than old enough to understand "bad touch" is probably why we're hearing about it now as opposed to years after his death.

  10. Dr. Nick Riviera

    This must have happened a long time ago because the Church has so much time on its hands to file lawsuits against birth control instead of focusing on taking care of its own.

    1. miss_grundy

      And telling nuns to stop helping the poor and sick. The nuns should now spend all their time preaching against birth control and abortion.

      1. CrankyLttlCamperette

        Oh and don't forget investigating the Girl Scouts! Those Thin Mints truly are teh Devil's food!!!

  11. ratcityrebel

    Satan's minions are occupying your balls, and it's my job to get them out of there, dammit!

  12. flamingpdog

    Is there something wrong with my Wonkette, or is there no author of this blog post?

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Thank fuck somebody else said this; the author bar now lives at the bottom of the article. You don't even see it when the post is opened.

      I don't like it at all.

      I do like to know when one of the authors makes a bon mot or fine turn of phrase, especially when I can check.

      No, this new thing is bullshit IMHO.

      Moan over.

      edit: not moan: Perhaps this is to drive traffic not by author but by content? A laudable aim, but if I (personally because I'm an idiot) thought it was a KBJ post and it turns out to be a Benincasa post it might be very confusing. Bylines are bylines, right? When Lisa writes her (great) stuff from Paris, I'm always interested whereas others might not be so much.

      1. flamingpdog

        I realized that that way you kind of have to scan over the "More From Wonkette" and "From Around the Web" box that I think a lot of folks (*cough*) tend to ignore.

        1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          Almost any change for our new site I've been fine with. Change is good.

          This particular one – well meh. It's just me fucking moaning.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Minor infobar changes do not upset me in the least … we need an "Expand All Comments" option, or EVEN BETTER, make it the default.

      Hear us, O Worthly Wonkett Overlords!

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I would like some sort of neato application that would warn me when someone else had already posted the same joke that I did mere seconds before me.

        1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          Or when someone changes their avatar and confuses the hell out of us.

          And THANK YOU MAITRESSE EDITRIX! It's good to see who wrote the post.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            I accept this new compromise. I'm willing to read ads to get to the comments so long as the contributors get their credit where credit is due.

          2. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            Me too. It wasn't the number of comments or anything, it was the author bit which I didn't like so much.

        2. Barb

          If you post the same thought as someone else and it was mere seconds ago, just let it stand. It shows that we are alike in thought sometimes. It doesn't diminish what you are thinking, truly. (in my opinion) If I found the first post funny, I will find yours funny too.

          1. anniegetyerfun

            Ha! Easy to say for the first person to get a word in.Seriously, though, you'd be amazed how many people will point you to their joke (“See above”) from a minute before.

          2. Barb

            I get the opposite reaction. The person who matches my post will come and post under my post and bitch and whine and act like an asshole. : )

        3. cheetojeebus

          or one with clever suggestions when your feeling dry? A little list with radio buttons to make your choice.
          per esempio:
          this is good news for__________.
          __________LIBEL!111.
          You know who else_____________.
          _________buttsex______fap____artichoke.
          eat a bag of rat dicks______________.

  13. Skullfry Buddha

    Not a week goes by where I find more reasons to not trust Christians. If someone I meet proclaims their love of God my first thought it, "I got my eye on you, pal."

    1. flamingpdog

      I make sure to keep my eye on my front pants pocket, where I keep my wallet and ….

        1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

          I heard a great story from a chap who had a plant hire business in the South.

          Whenever some chancing fuck came in and said "I'm a Christian Businessman" the chap would bring out a piece of paper from his desk and say

          "ah you get the proper pricelist. You get 20% off this."

          It was 45% over anyone who didn't try that bullshit.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            No, but they think it counts towards their "I'm Honest John, you can trust me" sleazy salesman quotient.

            It's very common in the south to hear a local company tout "the Christian way we do business." Something tells me the Rosenbergs touting their religion as a business model wouldn't go over quite so well.

          2. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

            From all the anecdotal evidence I've heard (and, natch, that's anecdotal) they're the fucking worst to do business with.

            And it is kinda a thing in small business.

    2. Guppy

      Not a week goes by where I find more reasons to not trust Christians.

      Meanwhile, all Muslims wear explosive vests all the time, and you're long past due to self-immolate.

  14. LettucePrey

    I'm surprised the guy wasn't made a bishop. He has all the credentials for the job.

    1. reasonbran

      He's getting his divine comeuppance. As in, he'll be getting a lot of cum up his ass. That's more like a backside than an upside, I guess, but you get my point.

  15. anniegetyerfun

    Father John’s Pelvic Powered Jesus Compass would be a great name for a band. There's nothing else in this that made me smirk, not even once.

  16. dsgruntled

    As a former alter boy I shudder each time one of these stories surfaces. My heart goes out to those poor young men and my total hatred goes out to those bastards who abused their power and influence. May he burn forever in hell.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I hear. I am also, too, a former altar boy, 100% un-molested, but I was especially ugly as a child.

  17. tessiee

    I don't think Satan is Gay Satan.
    I think Satan is regular Satan.
    Gay Satan is *Satin*.

    Also, this child raping piece of shit had better be careful not to drop the soap in prison.

    1. criminogenic

      oh rest assured regardless possesion of soap, this guy has some not-so-romantic romantic encounters to look forward to.

  18. Fare la Volpe

    Fuck it. I'm all for gallows humor, even in the most disgusting of cases, but I can't even snark about this.

    I hope that boy finds peace in his life, and that priest finds an almighty fisting in hell.

  19. flamingpdog

    From the newspaper story: Fiala also apparently used a Facebook account under the name “Ziggy the Great,” collected toys and had a Sponge Bob Square Pants calendar, according to testimony.

    EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

  20. rocktonsam

    once again, being gay will be confused with being a rapist and/or child molester.

    thanks catlicks

  21. shortsandpants

    The Golden Rule does not equate to a pedo-Golden Shower. Also, "loving thy neighbor as thyself" does not end with "frequently." Jeebus these Priests need to get laid.

  22. anniegetyerfun

    I almost assumed that he was part of one of those crazy, evangelical off-shoot "Catholic" churches, too, seeing as how he is from Texas, but no. Roman Catholic, all the way.

    "According to CBS News, the boy filed a lawsuit in April 2010 against the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of San Antonio alleging he was sexually assaulted on several occasions and that the archdiocese was aware there were problems with Fiala."

    Oh, good, so it really WAS another one of those things where the higher-ups were aware.

    1. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Oh, but the beautiful contemplative something something comfort of the liturgy something blah blah tradition and jesus christ they have a lot of rapey priests.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Gee, you leave an [organization of] insular, secretive, authoritarian, knowledge-sequestering Machiavellian sadists to police themselves for two thousand years and habitual institutionalized child molestation springs up for no reason at all. Who would've guessed?

    Oh, and of course these are the motherfuckers who want to take credit for the Constitution, which is the antithesis of everything these vile bastards espouse. Enlightenment Humanism had the good sense to be the prevalent moral philosophy for the exact same glint in time that our founders were putting our government together. Had we to form a nation from scratch today, the result would probably be horrifying.

    Edit: added the two words in square brackets. They just bring the whole sentence together.

  24. pinkocommi

    This kind of thing would not happen if only women were allowed to be Catholic Priests.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      No, these guys would still be raping kids. They just wouldn't be able to get away with it.

      As much.

    2. KenLayIsAlive

      I think this woulhn't happen if priests could get married – including gay married. Iy=t would stil happen, but not at like 4000% f the national average.

  25. MiniMencken

    Working on a ballad about this. So far, I have "Out in the West Texas town of Rocksprings/I fell in lust with a hetero boy." But, right after that, I start getting blocked.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Yow

      adults talk, you cant, but i dont insult that…you just cant figure out the nigger is a liar…good luck

      i think anyone who votes obama, needs a labotomy..you included ass monkey

      ya cant fix stupid, and you fucks are retards…love it…you think im quitting?? obama and his followers are gd idiots

      Seems some already had their "labotomy"

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Yikes — ugly's gonna ugly. Seriously that dude is just sad and needs help. I can't think of anything satisfying about someone just saying shit like that.

      1. Negropolis

        Some asshole that took a few minutes of his day to personally call Sandra Fluke a "cunt" and a "dick suker" on Twitter, and then totally requesting firedoglake to not only not bring up the fact that he did it, but essentially delete his searches from Google. lol

        Mean and stupid is no way to go through life. I love the first thing he puts out there in his Twitter handle is that he's a father. Fuckin' goon.

      1. BelleSC

        Drinking problem possibly. Pure red-neckedness, for sure. And the bad redneck kind, not the good one. Yes, there are good good-ole-boys and -girls. This guy ruins it for everyone.

        Makes me ashamed (for yet another reason) that I live in SC. It's a nice place, folks, but we do have our crazies.

        I can't wait to go to the Drinking Liberally gathering tonight! Should be quite a discussion.

  26. Wile E. Quixote

    Reading this makes me want to repeatedly punch Maggie Gallagher and Bill Donohue in the head, moreso than I usually do that is.

  27. Barb

    Hey bitches! How many of you are following @commiegirl1 (Rebecca) and @wonkette on the Twitter thingy? I'm there as @Barbara102006 and so is the luscious Lizzie and our bestie, Tommy.

    We already know who wins the Presidential election, If "I'll Have Another" wins the triple crown and we have the winning numbers in Saturday's $110 million dollar jackpot drawing. Okay, not really. Or am I lying? You have to come and join us to find out. The first 10 followers get the information on the election, the horsey thingy and the lottery jackpot.

    1. BelleSC

      I just started following you. Check your list. Look for a woman standing by a distance marker post. Won't be the same name I use on here.

        1. BelleSC

          Good to see you too. I don't write much but I do read a lot.

          Did I mention that I am not *from* SC I just live here? For the time being anyway.

          1. Barb

            Sara Benincasa got a tattoo of one of the Carolina's on her arm this weekend. I forget which one though.

  28. Dr_pangloss

    Wait a Catholic Priest actually was caught and faces jail time over this? Maybe it is a new day… or did he get cuaght errr.. red handed?

  29. Negropolis

    Wait, so there is actually shit so heinous that the "punishment" won't simply be transferring parishes?

    "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them."

    "The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock: and dust shall be the serpent's meat. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain, saith the LORD"

    Truly, we must be in the end of days.

  30. PuglyDoRight

    But they will redeem themselves by suing President Obama so the ladies can't have any birth control, thus insuring their complete and total abstention from sexual activity. Sorry, I couldn't type that with a straight face.

  31. DaRooster

    "…his methods were not agreed upon by his fellow Catholic dudes…"

    This is the only surprise of this story.

  32. BaldarTFlagass


    Father John is a priest down in Texas
    You know he knows exactly what butt sex is
    He ain't gonna be able to escape prison justice
    Gonna be wishing he was born with two assholes

    Go on, plug the booty and run

  33. BaldarTFlagass

    Getting ass-rammed in the slammer may not be the horrible punishment we are imagining here; he may be one of those who believes in turning the other cheek, and that it is just as good to receive as it is to give…

    1. Skullfry Buddha

      As I understand it, rapists are in it for the power. Unless Father McRapeytime can beat the shit out of and rape the first muscled skinhead he sees, he's in for a rough time.

      Good.

  34. An_Outhouse

    Now we know what it takes to be de-fathered. I was getting the impression there was nothing too evil for a man of god.

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