BREAKING THE LAW BREAKING THE LAW  12:09 pm May 21, 2012

Nation Safe From First-Time-Offender Drug Queen-Pin Granny For Rest Of Her Natural Life

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

How many bumps in the pizza?Hey Drug War, what’s new? Lock up any first-time-offender grannies who had no idea they were participating in a drug-mule operation between Messico and Tejas? You did? Awesome. For how long? Forever? Well it is ABOUT TIME! Good job, Drug War! And also, super-good-job, jury! We will no longer be under siege from the insidious threat that is Elisa Castillo not being behind bars for the rest of her natural life! Great life sentence, everyone involved! Well, everyone except for the actual drug kingpins who get non-life sentences or witness protection instead!

But did Elisa Castillo, who never touched a single drug, really not know she was helping run a drug operation?

At the urging of her boyfriend, Martin Ovalle, [Elisa] Castillo became partners with a smooth-talking Mexican resident who said he wanted to set up a Houston-based bus company.

But the buses were light on passengers and shuttled thousands of pounds of cocaine into the United States and millions of dollars back to Mexico. Her lawyers argued she was naive.

Castillo claims she didn’t know about the drug operation, but agents said she should have known something was wrong when quantities of money and drugs were repeatedly found on the coaches.

“After hearing all the evidence as presented from both the government and defense in this case, the jury found her guilty … ,” said Kenneth Magidson, chief prosecutor here.

Well, “should have known” should definitely be enough proof to hand someone a life sentence. Get over yourself, Grandma! And please enjoy having already served a longer sentence than Ken Lay ever saw. Mazel. [HoustonChronicle]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 95 comments }

ChilLysol May 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Nice pic of Herman Cain's desk.

actor212 May 21, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Herman "Co" Cain?

Schmannnity May 21, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Wait until the ladies find out that Herman has a different idea about blow.

iburl May 21, 2012 at 12:36 pm

They want a job, right?

Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I dunno, inhaling pizza through a straw seems more like a Chris Christie joke to me.

actor212 May 21, 2012 at 12:36 pm

It's like a turducken. Christie inhales the models.

nounverb911 May 21, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Can we try this scheme on Grover Norquist?

actor212 May 21, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I'd rather forcefeed him cocaine condoms until either he or one of them explodes.

"A mint, sir?"

actor212 May 21, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Castillo claims she didn’t know about the drug operation, but agents said she should have known something was wrong when quantities of money and drugs were repeatedly found on the coaches.

Because no one ever smuggles drugs on a bus across a border…

nounverb911 May 21, 2012 at 12:14 pm

They use the NJ Transit trains instead?

actor212 May 21, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Ridin' that train, high on cocaine…

sewollef May 21, 2012 at 12:41 pm

NJ Transit?

Jebus, those drug cartels would be filing complaints to the er, 'Transportation authority responsible for complaining', that their 'goods' weren't getting to their suppliers on time. Ever.

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 12:37 pm

"Why do these passengers always seem to leave their cocaine and money behind?"

Native_of_SL_UT May 21, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Wouldn't you suspect that drug traffickers would take better care of their product. Drug addicts on the other hand..

Barb May 21, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Wow, haven't seen a picture of the Olsen twins for a while. Thanks, Rebecca!

ChilLysol May 21, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Actually, that's Miley Cirus and her mom.

DemmeFatale May 21, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Dammit Chil! I thought it was Lindsey Lohan and her mom!

Chow Yun Flat May 21, 2012 at 12:15 pm

If she had given if a lot of thought Elisa Castillo would have just robbed some guy using a gun and had a much lighter sentence.

actor212 May 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm

If she'da shot him, Stand Your Ground, baybay!

BaldarTFlagass May 21, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Or she could have robbed us of billions through derivative trading and not even been indicted.

V572 Is this him? May 21, 2012 at 12:55 pm

His Hairness informs us that the counterparty to those deals made billions, so it's a wash. That's how capitalism works!

Well, that, and if the trader can't pay his losses, the taxpayers pick up the difference.

Chow Yun Flat May 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Exactly–that worked so well in 2008 when AIG was counterparty to a few trillion in deals.

didgen May 21, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Was she the driver? If not, I think there might be a shadow of a doubt. Ah, trusting young love.

GuyClinch May 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm

And the rosy cheeks of grandchildren need never fear her pinches again. NEVAR FORGET!!1!

Also, was there ever any justice, real justice, ever anywhere?

V572 Is this him? May 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Here's some.

Callyson May 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Grandma is locked up, James O'Keefe wanders the streets freely. Another day when I need a drink or ten…

BaldarTFlagass May 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I'll sleep better now, knowing this.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Why doesn't this argument apply to bankers?

WhatTheHeck May 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm

An expensive Amani suit offers a lot of protection. Much like Superman’s cape.

Fukui-sanRadioBarb May 21, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Or batfink's wings.

"Your lawsuits cannot harm me – my money is like a shield of steel!''

DashBarb Buddha May 21, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Bankers transcend law.

V572 Is this him? May 21, 2012 at 12:59 pm

They don't transcend it; they dictate it, to Geithner, Bernanke, Phil Gramm, etc. "We don' need no stinkin' Glass-Steagall Act."

sullivanst May 21, 2012 at 1:09 pm

IOW, "Bankers don't transcend law, their donees transcribe it."

tessiee May 21, 2012 at 2:11 pm

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!" — Guy on "South Park" with bad comb-over

Schmannnity May 21, 2012 at 12:17 pm

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Designer_Rants May 21, 2012 at 1:36 pm

"We don't want the smoking gun to be a cocaine cloud."

Nesnora May 21, 2012 at 12:17 pm

This makes me so frustrated I'm going to have to get high.

comptoneffect May 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

If you don't have access to a regular supply you might want to try the bus route from Houston to Mexico.

not that Radio May 21, 2012 at 12:17 pm

What's the lady-part equivalent of "whiskey-dick"? 'Cause I think those two ladies have it.

CapnFatback May 21, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Vagin and tonic?

prommie May 21, 2012 at 12:18 pm

And Theresa Giudici roams the hills of Jersey, a free woman!

James Michael Curley May 21, 2012 at 12:40 pm

A freakin outdoor pizza oven? Who delivers, racoons?

Baconzgood May 21, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Should have bundled that cocaine with some toxic hedge funds then she would have not only got off scott-free but would have got billions in bail outs too also.

coolhandnuke May 21, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Zombie super models snorting magic mushrooms from pizza.
Thanks Wonkette for stealing/posting my new series I was going to pitch to IFC.

actor212 May 21, 2012 at 12:29 pm

"The Walking Duh"?

It's been done. "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"

coolhandnuke May 21, 2012 at 12:38 pm

The new Kardashian spinoff "What Happened to Bruce Jenner's Penis" is destined to be the "Joanie Loves Chachi" of the fall Teevee season.

sullivanst May 21, 2012 at 1:11 pm

He'll be appearing in an episode of the next season of American Horror Story: "What Happened to Bruce Jenner's Face"

EatsBabyDingos May 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm

The Bush twins are looking pretty good these days. Their fetus jar uncle? His water is a little cloudy. Good ol' Festus Cletus Bush, aka Uncle Fe-tus.

SorosBot May 21, 2012 at 12:21 pm

And yet James O'Keefe still walks free.

Baconzgood May 21, 2012 at 12:22 pm

This seems more of a life sentence for stupidity. Dubya better watch out.

BaldarTFlagass May 21, 2012 at 12:26 pm

No, he's white.

SayItWithWookies May 21, 2012 at 12:25 pm

The drug capos had something to trade: the secrets of criminal organizations. The biggest drug lords have pleaded guilty in exchange for more lenient sentences.

It's just like the people who propose repressive laws always say: if you're guilty, you've got nothing to fear from this law — only the innocent will get into trouble.

IncenseDebate May 21, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The new ad campaign for Pizza Hut looks a bit edgy.

chicken_thief May 21, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The bitch is brown. She shoulda been behind bars for life long ago. Just on general principle.

DashBarb Buddha May 21, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Just think of all of the children who could have been saved had not this woman been locked up at birth!

Fare la Volpe May 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Castillo became partners with a smooth-talking Mexican resident who said he wanted to set up a Houston-based bus company

And here I thought all the Romneys had left Mexico.

V572 Is this him? May 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Is that what happened to Ken Layne?

Oh, Ken Lay…carry on.

MissTaken May 21, 2012 at 12:29 pm

The real lesson here is if you do the crime, you won't do the time, but that granny you swindled will.

SorosBot May 21, 2012 at 12:42 pm

It's grannies own fault for letting herself get swindled! Besides, shouldn't people be able to magically tell who is a criminal?

MissTaken May 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Used to be you could tell the criminal by their face piercings and tattoos. Now the criminals wear Savile Row business suits. Tricky, very tricky.

SorosBot May 21, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Here I thought the facial piercings and tattoos were just warnings that these were pretentious obnoxious modern hippie types.

MissTaken May 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

That's nowadays. Years ago, when we were kids, those were the people our parents warned us about. Now they are our bosses.

sullivanst May 21, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Yeah, those suits are totally a new thing

ManchuCandidate May 21, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Coke Adds Life, a life sentence that is.

prommie May 21, 2012 at 12:33 pm

She should have opened a chain of chicken restaurants, she could have called it Los Pollos Hermanos.

sullivanst May 21, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Long as she doesn't visit any thoroughly alienated, wheelchair-bound "uncles" in their nursing home…

Thurman Munster IV May 21, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Ding ding ding ding ding

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 2:10 pm

The death of Gus Fring was one of the best death scenes evar!

rickmaci May 21, 2012 at 12:34 pm

No question the facts appear to indicate that abuela is guilty of being stupid beyond a reasonable doubt. Of course, if that were the operative standard for incarceration, most of the GOTeaP would be doing life sentences.

BaldarTFlagass May 21, 2012 at 12:37 pm

"We're gonna need a bigger straw."

BaldarTFlagass May 21, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Used to be, jails were full of criminals. But with the rise of the private prison industry and the concomitant strengthening of their lobby, combined with/leading to ever more draconian punishments for relatively victimless crimes, jails are now full of people who have made a stupid mistake. And black people.

James Michael Curley May 21, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Another epic case of Granny Snatching

owhatever May 21, 2012 at 12:45 pm

See? Just like that, a jerb now opens for an American bus driver.

DashBarb Buddha May 21, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Upon being unjustly charged for drug trafficking, would it be a good idea to go out and meet actual drug dealers so I have enough information to trade for a lighter sentence?

OneYieldRegular May 21, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I once worked for a methadone treatment clinic where our most famous client was a granny who looked like she could have stepped out of a Pepperidge Farms commercial. Just sayin'. (Still, I'll go along with that Granny Joan Baez, who said we should raze the prisons to the ground).

James Michael Curley May 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I'll go anywhere with Granny Joan Baez. Stunning Old Broad!

James Michael Curley May 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Ravi

30 Days Jail, 3 Years Probation, 300 Hours Community Service
http://www.northjersey.com/news/crime_courts/tyle

DerrickWildcat May 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

That pizza looks cold.

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Those women look dead.

An_Outhouse May 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

This is whay racial profiling doesn't work. Grannies will do anything for some cash. Strip search them all.

Dildeaux May 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Ya know, blaming one individual for cross-border drug running and brown peoples ability to roam about murika freely isnt prudent. Execpt Obama!!1!

Jus_Wonderin May 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Poor Dixie Chicks. I love them, but they have let themselves go since that "incident".

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Snorting cocaine off of a pizza is the only way to snort cocaine. Also, extra sausage please.

ElPinche May 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Fuck grandmas and their old broken coochies.
-love, GOP

Beowoof May 21, 2012 at 1:00 pm

She is in Texas where she should count her blessings that she isn't executed. And real criminals know how to work the system, amirite W.

Blueb4sunrise May 21, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Best part is that it was all set up by undercover Chi-town PD.

Guppy May 21, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Cruel and unusual punishment? In Texas?

STOP THE PRESSES MOMMY WARBLOG!

mormos May 21, 2012 at 1:14 pm

why would they send to jail the person who provides the drugs they are all clearly on?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I'm pretty sure, as anyone who has ever taken a long bus ride will confirm, that having a couple pounds of cocaine on board is more of a service than anything else.

mavenmaven May 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Mema and friend, c. 1982

tessiee May 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm

WTF?

YOU CAN SNORT PIZZA????!!!

chicken_thief May 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Apparently, if you wear enough eye make-up. Or if you are the Governor of NJ.

ttommyunger May 21, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I've taken the Bus cross-country and believe me, it seems like a life sentence no matter what you do.

DahBoner May 21, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Two hungry racoons snorting a pizza???

WHY I NEVER…

horsedreamer_1 May 21, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Pictured: Jenna Bush's bachelorette party.

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