breaking the law breaking the law

Nation Safe From First-Time-Offender Drug Queen-Pin Granny For Rest Of Her Natural Life

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How many bumps in the pizza?Hey Drug War, what’s new? Lock up any first-time-offender grannies who had no idea they were participating in a drug-mule operation between Messico and Tejas? You did? Awesome. For how long? Forever? Well it is ABOUT TIME! Good job, Drug War! And also, super-good-job, jury! We will no longer be under siege from the insidious threat that is Elisa Castillo not being behind bars for the rest of her natural life! Great life sentence, everyone involved! Well, everyone except for the actual drug kingpins who get non-life sentences or witness protection instead!

But did Elisa Castillo, who never touched a single drug, really not know she was helping run a drug operation?

At the urging of her boyfriend, Martin Ovalle, [Elisa] Castillo became partners with a smooth-talking Mexican resident who said he wanted to set up a Houston-based bus company.

But the buses were light on passengers and shuttled thousands of pounds of cocaine into the United States and millions of dollars back to Mexico. Her lawyers argued she was naive.

Castillo claims she didn’t know about the drug operation, but agents said she should have known something was wrong when quantities of money and drugs were repeatedly found on the coaches.

“After hearing all the evidence as presented from both the government and defense in this case, the jury found her guilty … ,” said Kenneth Magidson, chief prosecutor here.

Well, “should have known” should definitely be enough proof to hand someone a life sentence. Get over yourself, Grandma! And please enjoy having already served a longer sentence than Ken Lay ever saw. Mazel. [HoustonChronicle]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ChilLysol

    Nice pic of Herman Cain's desk.

    • actor212

      Herman "Co" Cain?

    • Schmannnity

      Wait until the ladies find out that Herman has a different idea about blow.

      • iburl

        They want a job, right?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I dunno, inhaling pizza through a straw seems more like a Chris Christie joke to me.

      • actor212

        It's like a turducken. Christie inhales the models.

  • nounverb911

    Can we try this scheme on Grover Norquist?

    • actor212

      I'd rather forcefeed him cocaine condoms until either he or one of them explodes.

      "A mint, sir?"

  • actor212

    Castillo claims she didn’t know about the drug operation, but agents said she should have known something was wrong when quantities of money and drugs were repeatedly found on the coaches.

    Because no one ever smuggles drugs on a bus across a border…

    • nounverb911

      They use the NJ Transit trains instead?

      • actor212

        Ridin' that train, high on cocaine…

      • sewollef

        NJ Transit?

        Jebus, those drug cartels would be filing complaints to the er, 'Transportation authority responsible for complaining', that their 'goods' weren't getting to their suppliers on time. Ever.

    • smokefilledroommate

      "Why do these passengers always seem to leave their cocaine and money behind?"

      • Native_of_SL_UT

        Wouldn't you suspect that drug traffickers would take better care of their product. Drug addicts on the other hand..

  • Barb

    Wow, haven't seen a picture of the Olsen twins for a while. Thanks, Rebecca!

    • ChilLysol

      Actually, that's Miley Cirus and her mom.

      • DemmeFatale

        Dammit Chil! I thought it was Lindsey Lohan and her mom!

  • Chow Yun Flat

    If she had given if a lot of thought Elisa Castillo would have just robbed some guy using a gun and had a much lighter sentence.

    • actor212

      If she'da shot him, Stand Your Ground, baybay!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Or she could have robbed us of billions through derivative trading and not even been indicted.

      • V572 Is this him?

        His Hairness informs us that the counterparty to those deals made billions, so it's a wash. That's how capitalism works!

        Well, that, and if the trader can't pay his losses, the taxpayers pick up the difference.

        • Chow Yun Flat

          Exactly–that worked so well in 2008 when AIG was counterparty to a few trillion in deals.

  • didgen

    Was she the driver? If not, I think there might be a shadow of a doubt. Ah, trusting young love.

  • GuyClinch

    And the rosy cheeks of grandchildren need never fear her pinches again. NEVAR FORGET!!1!

    Also, was there ever any justice, real justice, ever anywhere?

    • V572 Is this him?

      Here's some.

  • Callyson

    Grandma is locked up, James O'Keefe wanders the streets freely. Another day when I need a drink or ten…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'll sleep better now, knowing this.

  • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    Why doesn't this argument apply to bankers?

    • WhatTheHeck

      An expensive Amani suit offers a lot of protection. Much like Superman’s cape.

      • Fukui-sanRadioBarb

        Or batfink's wings.

        "Your lawsuits cannot harm me – my money is like a shield of steel!''

    • DashBarb Buddha

      Bankers transcend law.

      • V572 Is this him?

        They don't transcend it; they dictate it, to Geithner, Bernanke, Phil Gramm, etc. "We don' need no stinkin' Glass-Steagall Act."

        • sullivanst

          IOW, "Bankers don't transcend law, their donees transcribe it."

      • tessiee

        "I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!" — Guy on "South Park" with bad comb-over

  • Schmannnity


    • Designer_Rants

      "We don't want the smoking gun to be a cocaine cloud."

  • Nesnora

    This makes me so frustrated I'm going to have to get high.

    • comptoneffect

      If you don't have access to a regular supply you might want to try the bus route from Houston to Mexico.

  • not that Radio

    What's the lady-part equivalent of "whiskey-dick"? 'Cause I think those two ladies have it.

    • CapnFatback

      Vagin and tonic?

  • prommie

    And Theresa Giudici roams the hills of Jersey, a free woman!

    • James Michael Curley

      A freakin outdoor pizza oven? Who delivers, racoons?

  • Baconzgood

    Should have bundled that cocaine with some toxic hedge funds then she would have not only got off scott-free but would have got billions in bail outs too also.

  • coolhandnuke

    Zombie super models snorting magic mushrooms from pizza.
    Thanks Wonkette for stealing/posting my new series I was going to pitch to IFC.

    • actor212

      "The Walking Duh"?

      It's been done. "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"

      • coolhandnuke

        The new Kardashian spinoff "What Happened to Bruce Jenner's Penis" is destined to be the "Joanie Loves Chachi" of the fall Teevee season.

        • sullivanst

          He'll be appearing in an episode of the next season of American Horror Story: "What Happened to Bruce Jenner's Face"

  • EatsBabyDingos

    The Bush twins are looking pretty good these days. Their fetus jar uncle? His water is a little cloudy. Good ol' Festus Cletus Bush, aka Uncle Fe-tus.

  • SorosBot

    And yet James O'Keefe still walks free.

  • Baconzgood

    This seems more of a life sentence for stupidity. Dubya better watch out.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      No, he's white.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The drug capos had something to trade: the secrets of criminal organizations. The biggest drug lords have pleaded guilty in exchange for more lenient sentences.

    It's just like the people who propose repressive laws always say: if you're guilty, you've got nothing to fear from this law — only the innocent will get into trouble.

  • IncenseDebate

    The new ad campaign for Pizza Hut looks a bit edgy.

  • chicken_thief

    The bitch is brown. She shoulda been behind bars for life long ago. Just on general principle.

    • DashBarb Buddha

      Just think of all of the children who could have been saved had not this woman been locked up at birth!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Castillo became partners with a smooth-talking Mexican resident who said he wanted to set up a Houston-based bus company

    And here I thought all the Romneys had left Mexico.

  • V572 Is this him?

    Is that what happened to Ken Layne?

    Oh, Ken Lay…carry on.

  • MissTaken

    The real lesson here is if you do the crime, you won't do the time, but that granny you swindled will.

    • SorosBot

      It's grannies own fault for letting herself get swindled! Besides, shouldn't people be able to magically tell who is a criminal?

      • MissTaken

        Used to be you could tell the criminal by their face piercings and tattoos. Now the criminals wear Savile Row business suits. Tricky, very tricky.

        • SorosBot

          Here I thought the facial piercings and tattoos were just warnings that these were pretentious obnoxious modern hippie types.

          • MissTaken

            That's nowadays. Years ago, when we were kids, those were the people our parents warned us about. Now they are our bosses.

        • sullivanst

          Yeah, those suits are totally a new thing

  • ManchuCandidate

    Coke Adds Life, a life sentence that is.

  • prommie

    She should have opened a chain of chicken restaurants, she could have called it Los Pollos Hermanos.

    • sullivanst

      Long as she doesn't visit any thoroughly alienated, wheelchair-bound "uncles" in their nursing home…

      • Thurman Munster IV

        Ding ding ding ding ding

        • smokefilledroommate

          The death of Gus Fring was one of the best death scenes evar!

  • rickmaci

    No question the facts appear to indicate that abuela is guilty of being stupid beyond a reasonable doubt. Of course, if that were the operative standard for incarceration, most of the GOTeaP would be doing life sentences.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "We're gonna need a bigger straw."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Used to be, jails were full of criminals. But with the rise of the private prison industry and the concomitant strengthening of their lobby, combined with/leading to ever more draconian punishments for relatively victimless crimes, jails are now full of people who have made a stupid mistake. And black people.

  • James Michael Curley

    Another epic case of Granny Snatching

  • owhatever

    See? Just like that, a jerb now opens for an American bus driver.

  • DashBarb Buddha

    Upon being unjustly charged for drug trafficking, would it be a good idea to go out and meet actual drug dealers so I have enough information to trade for a lighter sentence?

  • OneYieldRegular

    I once worked for a methadone treatment clinic where our most famous client was a granny who looked like she could have stepped out of a Pepperidge Farms commercial. Just sayin'. (Still, I'll go along with that Granny Joan Baez, who said we should raze the prisons to the ground).

    • James Michael Curley

      I'll go anywhere with Granny Joan Baez. Stunning Old Broad!

  • James Michael Curley


    30 Days Jail, 3 Years Probation, 300 Hours Community Service

  • DerrickWildcat

    That pizza looks cold.

    • smokefilledroommate

      Those women look dead.

  • An_Outhouse

    This is whay racial profiling doesn't work. Grannies will do anything for some cash. Strip search them all.

  • Dildeaux

    Ya know, blaming one individual for cross-border drug running and brown peoples ability to roam about murika freely isnt prudent. Execpt Obama!!1!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Poor Dixie Chicks. I love them, but they have let themselves go since that "incident".

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Snorting cocaine off of a pizza is the only way to snort cocaine. Also, extra sausage please.

  • ElPinche

    Fuck grandmas and their old broken coochies.
    -love, GOP

  • Beowoof

    She is in Texas where she should count her blessings that she isn't executed. And real criminals know how to work the system, amirite W.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Best part is that it was all set up by undercover Chi-town PD.

  • Guppy

    Cruel and unusual punishment? In Texas?


  • mormos

    why would they send to jail the person who provides the drugs they are all clearly on?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm pretty sure, as anyone who has ever taken a long bus ride will confirm, that having a couple pounds of cocaine on board is more of a service than anything else.

  • mavenmaven

    Mema and friend, c. 1982

  • tessiee



    • chicken_thief

      Apparently, if you wear enough eye make-up. Or if you are the Governor of NJ.

  • ttommyunger

    I've taken the Bus cross-country and believe me, it seems like a life sentence no matter what you do.

  • DahBoner

    Two hungry racoons snorting a pizza???


  • horsedreamer_1

    Pictured: Jenna Bush's bachelorette party.