(not) in the navy

Why Won’t The Navy Let This Former Chaplain Explain: Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay

Why are gays always trying to recruit this man?Why did the Navy can this dude, er, Gordon J. Klingenschmitt, just for praying in Jesus’s name? (Oh right, because it didn’t.) But that has not stopped Gordon J. Klingenschmitt from having some opinions on the persecution of Christians by the government because Barack Nobama “blame[d] Jesus Christ” for his endorsement of homosexual marriage by invoking the Golden Rule, and also that animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them, like when Jesus cast an evil spirit into some pigs. Hello, it is called science, why don’t you look it up! RawStory has the raw story on dude just laying down the cold homo FACTS. Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), for starters, turn people who were born straight into icky queers. This is when you perform gay and lesbian exorcisms, obviously. Except that then the gay goes into the animals, and that is why 4000 species do gay stuff to each other.

The David Pakman Show is a hero for bringing us this wonderful explanation that will answer all your questions, now and forever, we are sure!


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  1. Barb

    Something tells me that this dude would love to start his own gay Navy and will pay for the first ferry (fairy) boat out of his own pocket.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Thank you! For some reason I felt I must resist making a fairy boat joke. I have no idea why.

  2. Rotundo_

    And once again the distinction between mental illness and religion shrinks just a little bit more.

  3. angerbear

    What's the term to describe someone formulating a complete worldview based on no evidence–nay, contrary to all available evidence, but which nevertheless conforms to and supports his own prejudices? I think maybe it's called "bullshit."

  4. bikerlaureate

    According to that WaPo link (I know, I know) – a Navy chaplain made $60K / year, six years ago ?!?

    Sweet gig if you can get it.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Meh. That's pocket change. What you do is build up a megachurch. That's when the real money starts rolling in.

      1. GlowneyHouse

        He just needs to focus the message and make it more marketable. Explain that these gay spirits (let's call them "gheytans") were brought here by an evil galactic overlord, placed in the gayest volcano on Earth (I'm thinking Mt. Aetna…) and exploded in a massive glitter bomb, freeing the gheytans to infect animals and humans. If marketed correctly, there is a mighty profit for some mighty Prophet.

    2. Chichikovovich

      That's pin money. The real bonanza strikes when you get court-martialed for disobeying orders, claim that you were drummed out because you insisted on "Praying in Jesus' Name" and wait as the cash comes rolling in from the multitude of Churches and Gospel Fellowship groups that will believe anything, no matter how preposterous, as long as it involves a story about the evil secular humanist tyranny persecuting noble Christians.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Yeah, I wish the military would get a clue and stop discharging publicity hungry idiots like Klingenschmidt or the birther idiots that Orly Taitz recruited for her lawsuits and would instead court-martial them, reduce them in rank to E-1 and send them off to Diego Garcia, Thule AFB, or the HAARP research station in Gakona, Alaska for the rest of their term. It's much harder to get publicity for bravely resisting the Obama administration when you're stationed out in BFE for a few years.

    1. unclejeems

      Mmmm, too bad. How we gonna fight terrorism without a battleship commissioned in 1943? Reagan's Folly.

      1. Steverino247

        Plus, where did they find crew members who knew what to do without blowing up a turret? Oh.

  5. ChessieNefercat

    I feel so sad for Mrs. Klingenshit. All alone night after night while Mr. Klingenshit "researches" teh homo sex! on the intertubes and now that he has to also too "study" gay demon-infested animal sex, it's like a twofer for him and she just never sees him any more at all except when he wants to do some "field studies" and begs her to dress up like a male cockatoo. For the Lord, of course.

    1. grace_nearing

      Klingenscmitt is a true scholar. He claims to have codified exactly five hundred forty seven deviant sex activities. How can one argue with such precision.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        I believe he had to review #369 many, many, many, times in order to determine with precision whether it was indeed a distinct activity or whether it was just a variant of numbers 439, 546, and 81-337.

  6. PsycWench

    Is there an island or something where all the Bible-obsessed can go and mutually masturbate and leave the rest of us alone?

    1. LastGasp

      Probably, but to get there they might have to take a ferry, and none of them want to be quoted as saying "I got on a fairy to get here."

    2. Terry

      The Bible obsessed men prefer to troll the truck stop for meth and underaged male hookers.

      1. Rotundo_

        I can kind of understand the rationale behind that, you can get a twink beej anywhere, but it is hard to combine chicken-fried steak, hash browns and a bowl of chili with a twink beej at any other type of establishment. And a lot of them have chapels so you can pray for forgiveness afterwards! Edit: For ordering shit like chicken fried steak, hash browns and a side bowl of chili…

    3. Warwhatgoodfor

      Great idea, but it's been done. Check out "Escape from New York". Of course, if you substituted Loooooong Island, there might be quite a line waiting to get there.

  7. elfgoldsackring

    Yeah, gay sailors, if you love each other so freakin' much, why don't you just go MARRY each other? Oh, right.

  8. PsycWench

    "If a homosexual man mates with another homosexual man, there is a 100% chance that they won't have children".
    Who says this guy doesn't understand complicated science?

    1. finallyhappy

      not actually correct. I know several homosexual men who mated with other homosexual men and have kids.

    2. TheMightyHaltor

      Which also means there's a 0% chance of those couples having an abortion.

      You'd think wingnuts would love gay couples for this.

        1. drrty_martini

          I'm not a fancy one percenter. There was the promise of a toaster! For free! I'm trying to avoid the inevitable conclusion that they neither grow on trees nor come out of turgid penises.

  9. GlowneyHouse

    Sing along with me! "Navy Pastor Gordon J. Klingenschmitt – His name is my name too!"

  10. Mittens Howell, III

    "animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them"

    That explains nyan cat

  11. bumfug

    Come on, don't you remember in the bible where the demons were cast out of the guy and went into a herd of swine and the pigs immediately started blowing each other?

          1. Rotundo_

            It is amazing how an extra couple of digits will take bluegrass to a whole new "scare the crap right out of Bela Fleck" level. Don't even start on Mandolins.

    1. criminogenic

      Should have been a give away when those Swine were listed as Producers on 'Sex and the city'.

  12. Beowoof

    Where is William Freidkin, he should be directing this movie about a brave Navy Chaplin fighting off the evil spirit of Liberace giving horses the gay.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Who says Hollywood has run out of ideas? I can just picture the hordes of CGI gay horses rampaging all across 'Merica.
      The trailer would have no voice-over, just musical stings between its stars making serious faces as they realize the horses are coming and are unstoppable.

  13. pinkocommi

    I watched that Gordon J. Klingenschmitt video, but did not understand a word he said because I don't speak Stupid.

  14. Mittens Howell, III

    David Pakman: "Would you be able to orient yourself to like men right now if I made a compelling enough case to you"

    Gordon J. Klingenschmitt: "Well, sure"

    Happy now, Jesus? Huh? Huh?

  15. pinkocommi

    If you do not want to waste 11 minutes of your life on this dipshit, the following is all you need to know:
    Pakman: "Could you have been recruited into homosexuality? Like right now, if I made a compelling enough case, could you really re-orient yourself and say, 'I am now attracted to men?"
    Klingenschmitt: "Well sure…"

    1. elfgoldsackring

      "In fact I've marked all the positions I want to try in this copy of the Gay Kama Sutra… You know, just for argument's sake…"

    2. Rotundo_

      The concept of "recruitment" into homosexuality has always fascinated me: Do these yokels actually think there is some concerted effort on the part of the GLBT community to recruit folks into the ranks? Do they think it's like a union, with Journeyman and Master levels of training and compensation, with tests? Sorry kid, you can't come into this club without being a member in good standing of Local 3578 Amalgamated Brother and Sisterhood of Same Sex Relationships, No Card, No admittance.

      1. a_pink_poodle

        Recruit 10 straight people and you'll receive a brand new Black & Decker electric oven and 5 GayBux Rewards™ redeemable at your local Gay Agenda Station!

      2. flamingpdog

        Don'te they have Journeyman and Master levels of training with tests in the Boy Scouts?

    3. Wile E. Quixote

      Extending the "recruitment" metaphor even further I wonder what comes after you're recruited into the LGBT lifestyle? Do they ship you off to basic training somewhere? San Francisco, Fire Island, West Hollywood? Are there different MOS/ratings, hairdresser, construction worker, butch Subaru mechanic, lipstick lesbian, reparative therapist? If you fail do you get recycled back a certain number of times to try again or are you just dishonorably discharged as a bisexual?
      I can just see how homosexual basic training might go. "Goddamnit recruits, when I get back here I expect this barracks to look fabulous!" Or "What is your problem recruit? You look like you polished your boots and chaps with a Hershey bar?" Or "Did you shave your scrotum this morning recruit? It sure doesn't feel like you shaved your scrotum."

  16. littlebigdaddy

    So, let's see…the gay demon was cast out of Marcus Bachmann and went into that llama, which had a total lesbo thing for Michele, but it's ok, because of Jeebus?

  17. LettucePrey

    I predict that this guy gets caught hustling in an airport bathroom, faster than you can say "rentboy."

    1. DashBarb Buddha

      ♫Tap three times, on the toilet for a blow job…
      ♫Twice on the pipes, for some love in the stall
      ♫Oh my pastor!

  18. savethispatient

    I heard that David Pakman's mum, Ms Pakman, loved to constantly eat pills and was scared of ghosts.

  19. DesertTed

    The whole animals are gay thing is totally crap. My dog will hump a chair but that doesn't make him furniture.

    1. deanbooth

      Santorum was right — "That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, dog on ottoman, or whatever the case may be. "

        1. Doktor StrangeZoom

          If the dog was furniture, maybe it would be an Irish Settee.

          Or a Labrador Recliner.

          1. Doktor StrangeZoom

            Kid Zoom declared that the winner.

            A Deskhund with matching Boston Chairier?

      1. flamingpdog

        There's a peak in Colorado named Chair Mountain. I never considered the possibility that it was about furniture sex until now.

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Is it near the Teton Range (early French voyageurs name"les Trois Tétons" (the three breasts)?

          1. flamingpdog

            It's a lot closer to the Spanish Peaks in SE Colorado, a somewhat isolated pair of mountains whose name in one of the local Native American languages was Haujatolla, which (allegedly) means "the breasts of God".

        2. DashBarb Buddha

          When in college I worked at an agricultural research station for the University of Florida. We had a satellite at a place called Mount Dora. Our researcher's assistant (a refugee from Czechoslovakia – English was not her first language) said we had to go to Mount Dora for some experiment. My buddy asked, "so, we're going to Mount Dora? How does she feel about it?" The assistant didn't understand and didn't ask for clarification, but we laughed about it all day. She must have thought we were idiots.

  20. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Poor fellow clearly needed more rum and the lash. I'll assume he got as much of the other thing as he wanted.

    1. radio-of-owls

      I daresay, the boys gave old Gordy a sound thrashing, they did. Bully for them!

  21. mavenmaven

    Homosexuality according to this guy, is “related to the demonic, because the devil wants to recruit people into sin.” Sounds to me like this guy has some strong repressed same sex yearnings to me.

    1. finallyhappy

      I think anyone who actually believes in the Devil is an idiot- but perhaps I need to speak more plainly about how I feel.

  22. Doktor StrangeZoom

    I always thought it was funny how Klingenschmitt was always trying to get out of the Army by wearing a dress, but Hawkeye and Trapper John just took it all in stride.

  23. Blueb4sunrise

    Warning to newbies : Do not directly return to reality after watching this video. You will get a kind of psychological bends. You may have to watch Jabba the Racist as a stepping stone back to the world.

    1. radio-of-owls

      Wait. What the fucking fuck?!?! You live?? Jesus, Mary and Joseph DiMaggio. Welcome back, you old bastard! The core of veterans has dwindled and we need some institutional memory.

      Oh, and by the way, you can say custerwolf's name now. Deleting that fucking twat was a delicious fight. Good times, good times. Honestly, welcome back.

    1. flamingpdog

      You think maybe you ought to give the old warrior an old test, like who struck out Mickey Mantle three times in the third game of the 1964 World Series, just to make sure he isn't an enemy infiltrator wearing on old Wonketeer uniform.

  24. DaSandman

    How did they get all that stupid into this guy's bowling ball head? Did they use a funnel or some sort of pressurized device?

    1. flamingpdog

      Best published zoology paper EVAH! It actually won an Ig Nobel prize for biology in 2003.

  25. southernbeale

    Thanks for reminding me that if heaven is filled with assholes like this I'd rather spend eternity in hell. Time to fornicate or somethin'.

  26. DahBoner

    "Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay"


    Scientology, Homophobia and a severe misunderstanding of Biology…

    An entirely new branch of Ignorance! 1!!! 1!!!

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I told people when that movie came out that it was going to be our future. They laughed at me, those fools!

  27. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    That's right. It was because I was exposed to the Gay Agenda. I must remember to tell my wife that the next time she finds me in bed with some dude.

  28. ElPinche

    Gordon looks like a cross between one of Karl Rove's plethora of hemorroids and the tourettes guy.

  29. chascates

    So if a dog or cat sniffs another animals butt does that make them gay? Or is it just another form of communication? And maybe Sky Pilot has typical mammal mating behavior confused with the human ass-fucking?

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I've dated guys who thought sniffing butts was another form, or the ONLY form, of communication.

  30. Preacher_Griz

    If you ever get buttsexed by a animal you are 100% certain to contract gay homoism. PROVEN MEDICAL FACT that govt researches are hiding from you on orders from allahbama and his kenyan kronies

  31. Callyson

    Eleven minutes? Hell to the no–I'm still pissed at myself for giving the "I'm not a racist" racist three minutes of my time…

  32. littlebigdaddy

    Speaking of which, and I hate to reveal the poverty of my social life, but Lawrence Welk is doing a Cole Porter special! Rainbows and Unicorns for all!!!!!!!

    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      I have heard they have drugs for that condition. And therapy. Lots of therapy.

  33. SheriffRoscoe

    The right reverend Sheisershmitt goes into a lesson on genetics and how two blonde parents must by needs have a 100% blonde child, proving straight parents cannot pop out gay babies, and it blew my fucking mind. I mean, I was a blonde child and turned sort of brunettish in my early adult years. What the fuck is going on? I'm genetically defective in so many ways it now seems.

    1. Preacher_Griz

      If you were once blonde and now has Darkie Hair it means not only God has Left you but also you are Demon Possessed explaining any repressed homoism urges you sense from time to time.

      Were you buttsexed by a pet at some point in your past?

    2. Warwhatgoodfor

      What this guy knows about genetics is only exceeded by what I know about servicing the reactors on his submarine.

  34. Warpde

    "animals are homosexual"
    And that, my fiends, is why I have 5 male cats.
    De-clawed of course.
    Eat your hearts out.
    Gotta go, Buster looks lonely.

  35. Wile E. Quixote

    Oh, BTW chaplain Klingonschmidt. According to this book called the Bible if you're praying out in public in Jesus's name Ur doin it rong. From the gospel of Matthew, Chapter 6.

    5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
    6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
    7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
    8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
    9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
    10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
    11 Give us this day our daily bread.
    12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
    13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
    14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
    15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

    So basically dude Jesus is saying that you're doing it backwards, you need to be gay in public and keep the praying in the closet. Try it, I think you'll be a lot happier.

  36. smokefilledroommate

    Sheesh, this man was adopted and brainwashed by Christian fundies. Personally, I think that is child abuse on a grand scale… Pigman, the demons in your head are the ones put there by your parents.

    1. flamingpdog

      They said the men were members of a group known as “Black Bloc,”

      WHAAAA?? Baamer's getting bombed by Blah people??

      Oh, wait, lookin' at the pics, I'm thinking the "Black Blockheads" would be a more appropriate name.

    1. Negropolis

      But, but, I thought the blahs were all homophobes who'll abandon the president 'cause he supports same-sex marriage!

  37. Negropolis

    If some alternative weekly hasn't already named itself the Gay Agenda, then they aren't doing their fuckin' job. lol

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I still think that there's an awesome opportunity for someone to start a leather bar and name it "The Batcave". Assuming of course that doing so wouldn't get you sued by DC Comics/TimeWarner.

  38. rickmaci

    "Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), …"

    I think Gordon J. Klingenschmitt may be feeling the pull…

    1. HistoriBarb

      I think the problem is that he isn't feeling the pull … if you know what I mean.

  39. Sassomatic

    I'm only at 5:42 so far, but I have to say, I'm proud of this guy for directly answering all of the questions. With increasingly lunatic answers, of course. So, you were talking about pigs possessed by gay demons, I believe. Go on . . .

  40. flamingpdog

    You know, there could be something to this guy's theory there about gay animals. This critter went extinct in Africa about 1.5 million years ago, about the time the ancestors to modern hominids hit their stride, but didn't go extinct in North America until about 10,000 years ago, about the same time GUESS WHO showed up in North America.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Shit. I think I know this one. The answer is either "Hitler" or "All of them, Katie." but I don't know which. Can I still have partial credit?

  41. SaintRond

    Once again, I walk into the living room and there's the goddamn cat and dog goin' at it again in front of the TV, locked in an unbreakable 69 embrace, scandalizin' the wife an' kids. But now, instead of doin' what any normal person would do an' just takin' the shotgun off the wall an' shootin' the both of 'em, I understand. I finally understand.

    Christ, I can't wait to vote.

  42. johnnyzhivago

    Hey, OT, a couple of my cats are definitely gay – but – should I be worried if it gets to the point where they figured out how to set the TiVo to record Glee???

      1. johnnyzhivago

        I know, but hey, as long as they watch it when I'm not home, I'm not going to get too concerned about it. What bugs me to no end is how they keep changing the channel to see Anderson Cooper when I'm watching Rachel Maddow.

        1. radio-of-owls

          God help you if they figure out how to set the parental controls. You'll only be able to watch AC360, HGTV and the Judy Garland Channel.

  43. valthemus

    I want an army of gay winged monkeys that I can dispatch to engage in mass copulating on the front lawns of cretins like Klingenschmitt.

    Is it just a coincidence that he looks so much like Karl Rove? There's another one asking for a shower of monkey semen.

  44. ghblowhard

    Didn't they say the same stuff about inter-racial marriage?? Am I the only one who remembers?

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