Why did the Navy can this dude, er, Gordon J. Klingenschmitt, just for praying in Jesus’s name? (Oh right, because it didn’t.) But that has not stopped Gordon J. Klingenschmitt from having some opinions on the persecution of Christians by the government because Barack Nobama “blame[d] Jesus Christ” for his endorsement of homosexual marriage by invoking the Golden Rule, and also that animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them, like when Jesus cast an evil spirit into some pigs. Hello, it is called science, why don’t you look it up! RawStory has the raw story on dude just laying down the cold homo FACTS. Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), for starters, turn people who were born straight into icky queers. This is when you perform gay and lesbian exorcisms, obviously. Except that then the gay goes into the animals, and that is why 4000 species do gay stuff to each other.
The David Pakman Show is a hero for bringing us this wonderful explanation that will answer all your questions, now and forever, we are sure!
[RawStory]
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The Navy 1200 men sail off 600 couples come back.
Hahahaha…wait, there's women in the Navy now.
the sexual tension between these two is fierce.
It's like there's a Stage 5 Gaynado in there.
I'm going to have to check out more of this David Pakman guy, because this guy knows how to do a fucking interview.
Something tells me that this dude would love to start his own gay Navy and will pay for the first ferry (fairy) boat out of his own pocket.
Thank you! For some reason I felt I must resist making a fairy boat joke. I have no idea why.
"Gay Navy" is an oxymoron.
More like a tautology.
Hit it, boys!
I had forgotten just how gay the 70s could be. They were fabulously gay!
Is that a boat in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
everyone has a little unicorn in them
Not me, I'm clenching a bottle of aspirin between my buttocks.
Mine is HUGE!
And once again the distinction between mental illness and religion shrinks just a little bit more.
It's become a single circle Venn diagram.
Ha! Perfect yet scary in its implications for Merikuh.
I didn't think there was a distinction.
Klingenschmitt's favorite type of boat is a submarine because it's long, hard and full of seamen.
long, BLACK and hard. Dude obviously wants to make it with Barry.
Don't forget, they also go down deep and come up wet.
What's the term to describe someone formulating a complete worldview based on no evidence–nay, contrary to all available evidence, but which nevertheless conforms to and supports his own prejudices? I think maybe it's called "bullshit."
It's called religion.
Republican Party Platform?
It's also known as Yahoo comments.
It's called Klingenschmitt
Didn't this guy used to be in The Village People?
Too gay even for the Village People.
Also too flabby.
According to that WaPo link (I know, I know) – a Navy chaplain made $60K / year, six years ago ?!?
Sweet gig if you can get it.
Meh. That's pocket change. What you do is build up a megachurch. That's when the real money starts rolling in.
He just needs to focus the message and make it more marketable. Explain that these gay spirits (let's call them "gheytans") were brought here by an evil galactic overlord, placed in the gayest volcano on Earth (I'm thinking Mt. Aetna…) and exploded in a massive glitter bomb, freeing the gheytans to infect animals and humans. If marketed correctly, there is a mighty profit for some mighty Prophet.
That's pin money. The real bonanza strikes when you get court-martialed for disobeying orders, claim that you were drummed out because you insisted on "Praying in Jesus' Name" and wait as the cash comes rolling in from the multitude of Churches and Gospel Fellowship groups that will believe anything, no matter how preposterous, as long as it involves a story about the evil secular humanist tyranny persecuting noble Christians.
Yeah, I wish the military would get a clue and stop discharging publicity hungry idiots like Klingenschmidt or the birther idiots that Orly Taitz recruited for her lawsuits and would instead court-martial them, reduce them in rank to E-1 and send them off to Diego Garcia, Thule AFB, or the HAARP research station in Gakona, Alaska for the rest of their term. It's much harder to get publicity for bravely resisting the Obama administration when you're stationed out in BFE for a few years.
So, it was gay demons that caused the USS Iowa incident?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Iowa_turret_expl…
Mmmm, too bad. How we gonna fight terrorism without a battleship commissioned in 1943? Reagan's Folly.
Plus, where did they find crew members who knew what to do without blowing up a turret? Oh.
I feel so sad for Mrs. Klingenshit. All alone night after night while Mr. Klingenshit "researches" teh homo sex! on the intertubes and now that he has to also too "study" gay demon-infested animal sex, it's like a twofer for him and she just never sees him any more at all except when he wants to do some "field studies" and begs her to dress up like a male cockatoo. For the Lord, of course.
FTW
Oh, this is good.
For the Lord = FTL. Let's turn this into a thing.
Klingenscmitt is a true scholar. He claims to have codified exactly five hundred forty seven deviant sex activities. How can one argue with such precision.
I believe he had to review #369 many, many, many, times in order to determine with precision whether it was indeed a distinct activity or whether it was just a variant of numbers 439, 546, and 81-337.
Is there an island or something where all the Bible-obsessed can go and mutually masturbate and leave the rest of us alone?
Probably, but to get there they might have to take a ferry, and none of them want to be quoted as saying "I got on a fairy to get here."
The Bible obsessed men prefer to troll the truck stop for meth and underaged male hookers.
I can kind of understand the rationale behind that, you can get a twink beej anywhere, but it is hard to combine chicken-fried steak, hash browns and a bowl of chili with a twink beej at any other type of establishment. And a lot of them have chapels so you can pray for forgiveness afterwards! Edit: For ordering shit like chicken fried steak, hash browns and a side bowl of chili…
"you can get a twink beej anywhere"
um… solely out of curiosity…
Great idea, but it's been done. Check out "Escape from New York". Of course, if you substituted Loooooong Island, there might be quite a line waiting to get there.
Yeah, gay sailors, if you love each other so freakin' much, why don't you just go MARRY each other? Oh, right.
"If a homosexual man mates with another homosexual man, there is a 100% chance that they won't have children".
Who says this guy doesn't understand complicated science?
not actually correct. I know several homosexual men who mated with other homosexual men and have kids.
Butt babies don't count.
MPREG LIBEL!
Which also means there's a 0% chance of those couples having an abortion.
You'd think wingnuts would love gay couples for this.
Nope. Too logical. That would be like being in favor of birth control or sex education.
Tell us more about this free toaster you speak of.
I'm beginning to suspect this free toaster thing is a lie. I've yet to see any small appliance and I've been sucking cock for twenty years.
I'm still waiting for mine. And it better not be some cheap ass off-brand.
Twenty years straight? Jeez, doesn't your jaw hurt?
I'm not a fancy one percenter. There was the promise of a toaster! For free! I'm trying to avoid the inevitable conclusion that they neither grow on trees nor come out of turgid penises.
Sing along with me! "Navy Pastor Gordon J. Klingenschmitt – His name is my name too!"
Jingleheimer LIBEL!!!!
Today, we are all Navy Pastor Gordon J Klingenschmitt????
No, no, not really.
"animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them"
That explains nyan cat
Are we talking Gay Gay? or Navy Chaplain Gay?
Come on, don't you remember in the bible where the demons were cast out of the guy and went into a herd of swine and the pigs immediately started blowing each other?
SQUEE… Oh, sorry.
Ned Beatty Libel!
Aww, shoot. Now ya got me wantin' to google "inbred banjo-ing".
It is amazing how an extra couple of digits will take bluegrass to a whole new "scare the crap right out of Bela Fleck" level. Don't even start on Mandolins.
I think that's in the King Jethro version of the Bible.
Word is the Jethro version would be more to this guys liking as King James was a big homo
They don't call him Queen James for nothing.
Should have been a give away when those Swine were listed as Producers on 'Sex and the city'.
LOL!
Where is William Freidkin, he should be directing this movie about a brave Navy Chaplin fighting off the evil spirit of Liberace giving horses the gay.
Who says Hollywood has run out of ideas? I can just picture the hordes of CGI gay horses rampaging all across 'Merica.
The trailer would have no voice-over, just musical stings between its stars making serious faces as they realize the horses are coming and are unstoppable.
I'm thinking that Friedkin should do a movie about a brave Navy Chaplain who ventures into the sleazy, underground, gay S&M culture of New York City to catch homosexuals who are promoting homosexual marriages and convert them to being heterosexuals.. What's that you say? Marcus Bachmann is on line one and Gordon J. Klingenschmitt is on line two? That was fast, I hadn't even gotten around to mentioning the soundtrack by The Village People.
It's been done. Thankfully "One Man, One Horse" was the only work in Kenneth Pinyan's ouevre.
I watched that Gordon J. Klingenschmitt video, but did not understand a word he said because I don't speak Stupid.
There's probably an app for that.
"Excuse me, stewardess, but I speak Stupid."
David Pakman: "Would you be able to orient yourself to like men right now if I made a compelling enough case to you"
Gordon J. Klingenschmitt: "Well, sure"
Happy now, Jesus? Huh? Huh?
If you do not want to waste 11 minutes of your life on this dipshit, the following is all you need to know:
Pakman: "Could you have been recruited into homosexuality? Like right now, if I made a compelling enough case, could you really re-orient yourself and say, 'I am now attracted to men?"
Klingenschmitt: "Well sure…"
"In fact I've marked all the positions I want to try in this copy of the Gay Kama Sutra… You know, just for argument's sake…"
The concept of "recruitment" into homosexuality has always fascinated me: Do these yokels actually think there is some concerted effort on the part of the GLBT community to recruit folks into the ranks? Do they think it's like a union, with Journeyman and Master levels of training and compensation, with tests? Sorry kid, you can't come into this club without being a member in good standing of Local 3578 Amalgamated Brother and Sisterhood of Same Sex Relationships, No Card, No admittance.
Recruit 10 straight people and you'll receive a brand new Black & Decker electric oven and 5 GayBux Rewards™ redeemable at your local Gay Agenda Station!
You mean there really is no free toaster?
Don'te they have Journeyman and Master levels of training with tests in the Boy Scouts?
Yes, they both involve lots to knots.
Extending the "recruitment" metaphor even further I wonder what comes after you're recruited into the LGBT lifestyle? Do they ship you off to basic training somewhere? San Francisco, Fire Island, West Hollywood? Are there different MOS/ratings, hairdresser, construction worker, butch Subaru mechanic, lipstick lesbian, reparative therapist? If you fail do you get recycled back a certain number of times to try again or are you just dishonorably discharged as a bisexual?
I can just see how homosexual basic training might go. "Goddamnit recruits, when I get back here I expect this barracks to look fabulous!" Or "What is your problem recruit? You look like you polished your boots and chaps with a Hershey bar?" Or "Did you shave your scrotum this morning recruit? It sure doesn't feel like you shaved your scrotum."
So, let's see…the gay demon was cast out of Marcus Bachmann and went into that llama, which had a total lesbo thing for Michele, but it's ok, because of Jeebus?
free toaster libel!!!11!
argh.
I predict that this guy gets caught hustling in an airport bathroom, faster than you can say "rentboy."
If someone makes him a "persuasive argument" through the glory hole.
♫Tap three times, on the toilet for a blow job…
♫Twice on the pipes, for some love in the stall
♫Oh my pastor!
I heard that David Pakman's mum, Ms Pakman, loved to constantly eat pills and was scared of ghosts.
I heard, that for 25 cents, she would gobble balls until she died.
#cotd
This comment is too beautiful to exist
Wocka wocka!
The whole animals are gay thing is totally crap. My dog will hump a chair but that doesn't make him furniture.
Santorum was right — "That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, dog on ottoman, or whatever the case may be. "
Chairs are selfish lovers.
He'll never love you back — move on, honey!
I'll settle for a settee.
Since I didn't know what a settee was, I googled. Some of them don't look like bad lovers at all!
Hmm, I sense a figure-ground problem here.
If the dog was furniture, maybe it would be an Irish Settee.
Or a Labrador Recliner.
Or a Brittany Stepstool
There's a peak in Colorado named Chair Mountain. I never considered the possibility that it was about furniture sex until now.
Is it near the Teton Range (early French voyageurs name"les Trois Tétons" (the three breasts)?
It's a lot closer to the Spanish Peaks in SE Colorado, a somewhat isolated pair of mountains whose name in one of the local Native American languages was Haujatolla, which (allegedly) means "the breasts of God".
When in college I worked at an agricultural research station for the University of Florida. We had a satellite at a place called Mount Dora. Our researcher's assistant (a refugee from Czechoslovakia – English was not her first language) said we had to go to Mount Dora for some experiment. My buddy asked, "so, we're going to Mount Dora? How does she feel about it?" The assistant didn't understand and didn't ask for clarification, but we laughed about it all day. She must have thought we were idiots.
I find that love seats can be quite nice.
My budgie has been acting pretty faggy lately.
He's just pinin' for Fire Island.
Poor fellow clearly needed more rum and the lash. I'll assume he got as much of the other thing as he wanted.
I daresay, the boys gave old Gordy a sound thrashing, they did. Bully for them!
Homosexuality according to this guy, is “related to the demonic, because the devil wants to recruit people into sin.” Sounds to me like this guy has some strong repressed same sex yearnings to me.
I think anyone who actually believes in the Devil is an idiot- but perhaps I need to speak more plainly about how I feel.
I thought that was pretty restrained.
I always thought it was funny how Klingenschmitt was always trying to get out of the Army by wearing a dress, but Hawkeye and Trapper John just took it all in stride.
Holeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeshit.
Warning to newbies : Do not directly return to reality after watching this video. You will get a kind of psychological bends. You may have to watch Jabba the Racist as a stepping stone back to the world.
Keep fu&$"@' that chicken.
Wait. What the fucking fuck?!?! You live?? Jesus, Mary and Joseph DiMaggio. Welcome back, you old bastard! The core of veterans has dwindled and we need some institutional memory.
Oh, and by the way, you can say custerwolf's name now. Deleting that fucking twat was a delicious fight. Good times, good times. Honestly, welcome back.
I've been trying to remember her name, as part of a demonic summoning.
Shorts!!!!!!!!
How the fuck are you?
Welcome back.
It's nice to be back, DUDEZ.
Yay!!!! Welcome back!!!!!
Sreat to have you back! Fortunately, we kept the fridge fully stocked
So… This is Karl Rove's brother, right?
J-E-B-U-S Goes Into Brain to Rupture Reason.
Shut her down; this comment has broken the thread.
ATTENTION ALL VETERANS: Shorts has entered the building.
… he's missing alot of ALL CAPS, I hope he's ok.
He remembered his pants.
And his shortsshortsshorts.
A day that shall live in infamy!
You think maybe you ought to give the old warrior an old test, like who struck out Mickey Mantle three times in the third game of the 1964 World Series, just to make sure he isn't an enemy infiltrator wearing on old Wonketeer uniform.
If jeebus made peacocks gay, he did a fabulous job of it.
The Village People will no longer stand for this bullshit.
I must be getting old because I feel sorry for this guy.
I am old and I don't feel sorry for him
How did they get all that stupid into this guy's bowling ball head? Did they use a funnel or some sort of pressurized device?
I believe it came up from below.
An extreme example of reverse peristalsis.
Science does not back up this so called chaplain. http://www.nmr.nl/nmr/binary/retrieveFile?instanc…
"The first case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard"
Universities must have lined up to offer this guy tenure.
Actually they waited till the third or fourth. Reproducibility, you know.
Best published zoology paper EVAH! It actually won an Ig Nobel prize for biology in 2003.
Thanks for reminding me that if heaven is filled with assholes like this I'd rather spend eternity in hell. Time to fornicate or somethin'.
lucky me- heaven and hell don't exist. I die – end of story
Mazel tov!
"Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay"
Wow!
Scientology, Homophobia and a severe misunderstanding of Biology…
An entirely new branch of Ignorance! 1!!! 1!!!
At last, a reasoned explanation for this phenomenon
He'd better leave my cat alone. I'm just sayin'.
Here's something my fellow Wonketeers can appreciate: The choice between Brawndo or Toilet Water.
I told people when that movie came out that it was going to be our future. They laughed at me, those fools!
Which ever one gets you some "BIG ASS FRIES"
I'd like to be snarky, but my dog is so gay that he licks his own ass.
He's demon-possessed!
If you give him a chance he'll lick his own balls too.
Q:Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
Give him another chance and he'll lick your's for free.
That's right. It was because I was exposed to the Gay Agenda. I must remember to tell my wife that the next time she finds me in bed with some dude.
She might be more angry that you became a Republican.
Gordon looks like a cross between one of Karl Rove's plethora of hemorroids and the tourettes guy.
So if a dog or cat sniffs another animals butt does that make them gay? Or is it just another form of communication? And maybe Sky Pilot has typical mammal mating behavior confused with the human ass-fucking?
I've dated guys who thought sniffing butts was another form, or the ONLY form, of communication.
Can I get my fag-demons to make me a sandwich?
Only the most fabulous sandwich EVAR!
And God said "Because you piss me off."
If you ever get buttsexed by a animal you are 100% certain to contract gay homoism. PROVEN MEDICAL FACT that govt researches are hiding from you on orders from allahbama and his kenyan kronies
Bill Dauterive libel!
Eleven minutes? Hell to the no–I'm still pissed at myself for giving the "I'm not a racist" racist three minutes of my time…
Speaking of which, and I hate to reveal the poverty of my social life, but Lawrence Welk is doing a Cole Porter special! Rainbows and Unicorns for all!!!!!!!
You poor bastard …
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it…
Marriage is between a-one, an-a-two men and women. Wunnerful.
I think you're really gonna enjoy this
I have heard they have drugs for that condition. And therapy. Lots of therapy.
The right reverend Sheisershmitt goes into a lesson on genetics and how two blonde parents must by needs have a 100% blonde child, proving straight parents cannot pop out gay babies, and it blew my fucking mind. I mean, I was a blonde child and turned sort of brunettish in my early adult years. What the fuck is going on? I'm genetically defective in so many ways it now seems.
If you were once blonde and now has Darkie Hair it means not only God has Left you but also you are Demon Possessed explaining any repressed homoism urges you sense from time to time.
Were you buttsexed by a pet at some point in your past?
What this guy knows about genetics is only exceeded by what I know about servicing the reactors on his submarine.
McGee doesn't seem nearly so bizarre on NCIS.
"animals are homosexual"
And that, my fiends, is why I have 5 male cats.
De-clawed of course.
Eat your hearts out.
Gotta go, Buster looks lonely.
Oh, BTW chaplain Klingonschmidt. According to this book called the Bible if you're praying out in public in Jesus's name Ur doin it rong. From the gospel of Matthew, Chapter 6.
So basically dude Jesus is saying that you're doing it backwards, you need to be gay in public and keep the praying in the closet. Try it, I think you'll be a lot happier.
Well, amoebae are totally gay.
Just look at how they're spelled !
And don't even get this guy started on the Coast Guard!
Sheesh, this man was adopted and brainwashed by Christian fundies. Personally, I think that is child abuse on a grand scale… Pigman, the demons in your head are the ones put there by your parents.
WTF America!?!?!?!
3 nabbed in plot to bomb President Obama's campaign headquarters in Chicago
They said the men were members of a group known as “Black Bloc,”
WHAAAA?? Baamer's getting bombed by Blah people??
Oh, wait, lookin' at the pics, I'm thinking the "Black Blockheads" would be a more appropriate name.
Isn't the third guy that O'Keefe twit…???
This almost sounds like his "greatest" expose – gone terribly wrong.
What, so the FBI put up some more schmucks?
Oh, those blacks again with their civil rights this and their discrimination that…
NAACP endorses same-sex marriage
But, but, I thought the blahs were all homophobes who'll abandon the president 'cause he supports same-sex marriage!
The black churches are getting their marching orders from the White House~!
I thought it was the other way around! Now, I don't know what to believe. :(
I'll bet this news makes Grandma Mema's head assplode.
You can lead a snot into temptation, but you can't make him self-aware.
If some alternative weekly hasn't already named itself the Gay Agenda, then they aren't doing their fuckin' job. lol
I still think that there's an awesome opportunity for someone to start a leather bar and name it "The Batcave". Assuming of course that doing so wouldn't get you sued by DC Comics/TimeWarner.
Which it totally would.
"Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), …"
I think Gordon J. Klingenschmitt may be feeling the pull…
I think the problem is that he isn't feeling the pull … if you know what I mean.
Bwahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I'm only at 5:42 so far, but I have to say, I'm proud of this guy for directly answering all of the questions. With increasingly lunatic answers, of course. So, you were talking about pigs possessed by gay demons, I believe. Go on . . .
You know, there could be something to this guy's theory there about gay animals. This critter went extinct in Africa about 1.5 million years ago, about the time the ancestors to modern hominids hit their stride, but didn't go extinct in North America until about 10,000 years ago, about the same time GUESS WHO showed up in North America.
Shit. I think I know this one. The answer is either "Hitler" or "All of them, Katie." but I don't know which. Can I still have partial credit?
Mormon Jeebus?
Wow, and here I was thinking that it was exposure to Pink Kryptonite that made people gay. But I guess that only applies to Kryptonians.
Klingenschmitt really sounds like some sort of Nazi Klingon. A gay Nazi Klingon.
They had some leftover 2012 Gay Agenda's at Office Depot that looked fabulous!
Once again, I walk into the living room and there's the goddamn cat and dog goin' at it again in front of the TV, locked in an unbreakable 69 embrace, scandalizin' the wife an' kids. But now, instead of doin' what any normal person would do an' just takin' the shotgun off the wall an' shootin' the both of 'em, I understand. I finally understand.
Christ, I can't wait to vote.
This made me giggle for about 10 minutes.
Dear Gawd, what a closet case.
Hey, OT, a couple of my cats are definitely gay – but – should I be worried if it gets to the point where they figured out how to set the TiVo to record Glee???
Yes, you should. That show has completely jumped the shark.
I know, but hey, as long as they watch it when I'm not home, I'm not going to get too concerned about it. What bugs me to no end is how they keep changing the channel to see Anderson Cooper when I'm watching Rachel Maddow.
God help you if they figure out how to set the parental controls. You'll only be able to watch AC360, HGTV and the Judy Garland Channel.
Adoption made him like he is.
Also, the beatings will continue, until morale improves….
I want an army of gay winged monkeys that I can dispatch to engage in mass copulating on the front lawns of cretins like Klingenschmitt.
Is it just a coincidence that he looks so much like Karl Rove? There's another one asking for a shower of monkey semen.
So, it was Mr. Popper's poppers that turned the penguins gay!
The dudes name is Pakman! Get it?
Didn't they say the same stuff about inter-racial marriage?? Am I the only one who remembers?
Thanks so much for posting about my interview with the chaplain!
Oh, those Mandaloid kids!
Here's the clip, in case it's been a while: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SA61zycbLSI
start it at 3:00
Or a Hutch Sheperd.
Or a Sitz Tzu…perhaps a Chair Pei
Or a Bassinet Hound
Lawnchair Apso?
Perhaps a Barkalounger.
Davhundport.
Kid Zoom declared that the winner.
A Deskhund with matching Boston Chairier?
There's always a Chaise Longue-haired Terrier.
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