(NOT) IN THE NAVY  3:45 pm May 19, 2012

Why Won’t The Navy Let This Former Chaplain Explain: Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Why are gays always trying to recruit this man?Why did the Navy can this dude, er, Gordon J. Klingenschmitt, just for praying in Jesus’s name? (Oh right, because it didn’t.) But that has not stopped Gordon J. Klingenschmitt from having some opinions on the persecution of Christians by the government because Barack Nobama “blame[d] Jesus Christ” for his endorsement of homosexual marriage by invoking the Golden Rule, and also that animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them, like when Jesus cast an evil spirit into some pigs. Hello, it is called science, why don’t you look it up! RawStory has the raw story on dude just laying down the cold homo FACTS. Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), for starters, turn people who were born straight into icky queers. This is when you perform gay and lesbian exorcisms, obviously. Except that then the gay goes into the animals, and that is why 4000 species do gay stuff to each other.

The David Pakman Show is a hero for bringing us this wonderful explanation that will answer all your questions, now and forever, we are sure!


[RawStory]

 
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{ 241 comments }

sbj1964 May 19, 2012 at 3:48 pm

The Navy 1200 men sail off 600 couples come back.

BarackMyWorld May 19, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Hahahaha…wait, there's women in the Navy now.

Gratuitous World May 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

the sexual tension between these two is fierce.

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 5:19 pm

It's like there's a Stage 5 Gaynado in there.

MaxUdargo May 20, 2012 at 12:39 am

I'm going to have to check out more of this David Pakman guy, because this guy knows how to do a fucking interview.

Barb May 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Something tells me that this dude would love to start his own gay Navy and will pay for the first ferry (fairy) boat out of his own pocket.

ChessieNefercat May 19, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Thank you! For some reason I felt I must resist making a fairy boat joke. I have no idea why.

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 12:08 am

"Gay Navy" is an oxymoron.

HistoriBarb May 20, 2012 at 8:26 am

More like a tautology.

Chichikovovich May 20, 2012 at 8:39 am
HistoriBarb May 20, 2012 at 9:58 am

I had forgotten just how gay the 70s could be. They were fabulously gay!

DashBarb Buddha May 20, 2012 at 11:01 am

Is that a boat in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

smrtmnky May 19, 2012 at 3:53 pm

everyone has a little unicorn in them

Mittens Howell, III May 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Not me, I'm clenching a bottle of aspirin between my buttocks.

IndianaKevin May 21, 2012 at 6:24 am

Mine is HUGE!

Rotundo_ May 19, 2012 at 3:54 pm

And once again the distinction between mental illness and religion shrinks just a little bit more.

Mittens Howell, III May 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

It's become a single circle Venn diagram.

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Ha! Perfect yet scary in its implications for Merikuh.

criminogenic May 19, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I didn't think there was a distinction.

ManchuCandidate May 19, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Klingenschmitt's favorite type of boat is a submarine because it's long, hard and full of seamen.

DashBarb Buddha May 19, 2012 at 8:16 pm

long, BLACK and hard. Dude obviously wants to make it with Barry.

Wile E. Quixote May 20, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Don't forget, they also go down deep and come up wet.

angerbear May 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

What's the term to describe someone formulating a complete worldview based on no evidence–nay, contrary to all available evidence, but which nevertheless conforms to and supports his own prejudices? I think maybe it's called "bullshit."

SorosBot May 19, 2012 at 3:58 pm

It's called religion.

Schmannnity May 19, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Republican Party Platform?

DashBarb Buddha May 19, 2012 at 8:17 pm

It's also known as Yahoo comments.

gurukalehuru May 20, 2012 at 7:57 am

It's called Klingenschmitt

Schmannnity May 19, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Didn't this guy used to be in The Village People?

ManchuCandidate May 19, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Too gay even for the Village People.

Butch_Wagstaff May 19, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Also too flabby.

bikerlaureate May 19, 2012 at 4:08 pm

According to that WaPo link (I know, I know) – a Navy chaplain made $60K / year, six years ago ?!?

Sweet gig if you can get it.

Butch_Wagstaff May 19, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Meh. That's pocket change. What you do is build up a megachurch. That's when the real money starts rolling in.

GlowneyHouse May 20, 2012 at 10:08 am

He just needs to focus the message and make it more marketable. Explain that these gay spirits (let's call them "gheytans") were brought here by an evil galactic overlord, placed in the gayest volcano on Earth (I'm thinking Mt. Aetna…) and exploded in a massive glitter bomb, freeing the gheytans to infect animals and humans. If marketed correctly, there is a mighty profit for some mighty Prophet.

Chichikovovich May 19, 2012 at 8:03 pm

That's pin money. The real bonanza strikes when you get court-martialed for disobeying orders, claim that you were drummed out because you insisted on "Praying in Jesus' Name" and wait as the cash comes rolling in from the multitude of Churches and Gospel Fellowship groups that will believe anything, no matter how preposterous, as long as it involves a story about the evil secular humanist tyranny persecuting noble Christians.

Wile E. Quixote May 20, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Yeah, I wish the military would get a clue and stop discharging publicity hungry idiots like Klingenschmidt or the birther idiots that Orly Taitz recruited for her lawsuits and would instead court-martial them, reduce them in rank to E-1 and send them off to Diego Garcia, Thule AFB, or the HAARP research station in Gakona, Alaska for the rest of their term. It's much harder to get publicity for bravely resisting the Obama administration when you're stationed out in BFE for a few years.

Steverino247 May 19, 2012 at 4:08 pm

So, it was gay demons that caused the USS Iowa incident?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Iowa_turret_expl

unclejeems May 19, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Mmmm, too bad. How we gonna fight terrorism without a battleship commissioned in 1943? Reagan's Folly.

Steverino247 May 19, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Plus, where did they find crew members who knew what to do without blowing up a turret? Oh.

ChessieNefercat May 19, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I feel so sad for Mrs. Klingenshit. All alone night after night while Mr. Klingenshit "researches" teh homo sex! on the intertubes and now that he has to also too "study" gay demon-infested animal sex, it's like a twofer for him and she just never sees him any more at all except when he wants to do some "field studies" and begs her to dress up like a male cockatoo. For the Lord, of course.

Butch_Wagstaff May 19, 2012 at 7:30 pm

FTW

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 12:10 am

Oh, this is good.

For the Lord = FTL. Let's turn this into a thing.

grace_nearing May 20, 2012 at 3:30 am

Klingenscmitt is a true scholar. He claims to have codified exactly five hundred forty seven deviant sex activities. How can one argue with such precision.

ChessieNefercat May 20, 2012 at 9:39 am

I believe he had to review #369 many, many, many, times in order to determine with precision whether it was indeed a distinct activity or whether it was just a variant of numbers 439, 546, and 81-337.

PsycWench May 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Is there an island or something where all the Bible-obsessed can go and mutually masturbate and leave the rest of us alone?

LastGasp May 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Probably, but to get there they might have to take a ferry, and none of them want to be quoted as saying "I got on a fairy to get here."

Terry May 19, 2012 at 7:37 pm

The Bible obsessed men prefer to troll the truck stop for meth and underaged male hookers.

Rotundo_ May 19, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I can kind of understand the rationale behind that, you can get a twink beej anywhere, but it is hard to combine chicken-fried steak, hash browns and a bowl of chili with a twink beej at any other type of establishment. And a lot of them have chapels so you can pray for forgiveness afterwards! Edit: For ordering shit like chicken fried steak, hash browns and a side bowl of chili…

mormos May 21, 2012 at 12:33 am

"you can get a twink beej anywhere"

um… solely out of curiosity…

Warwhatgoodfor May 21, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Great idea, but it's been done. Check out "Escape from New York". Of course, if you substituted Loooooong Island, there might be quite a line waiting to get there.

elfgoldsackring May 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Yeah, gay sailors, if you love each other so freakin' much, why don't you just go MARRY each other? Oh, right.

PsycWench May 19, 2012 at 4:16 pm

"If a homosexual man mates with another homosexual man, there is a 100% chance that they won't have children".
Who says this guy doesn't understand complicated science?

finallyhappy May 19, 2012 at 5:09 pm

not actually correct. I know several homosexual men who mated with other homosexual men and have kids.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Butt babies don't count.

doloras May 19, 2012 at 9:52 pm

MPREG LIBEL!

TheMightyHaltor May 20, 2012 at 12:24 am

Which also means there's a 0% chance of those couples having an abortion.

You'd think wingnuts would love gay couples for this.

starfanglednut May 20, 2012 at 11:31 am

Nope. Too logical. That would be like being in favor of birth control or sex education.

Vecchiojohn May 19, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Tell us more about this free toaster you speak of.

drrty_martini May 19, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I'm beginning to suspect this free toaster thing is a lie. I've yet to see any small appliance and I've been sucking cock for twenty years.

Butch_Wagstaff May 19, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I'm still waiting for mine. And it better not be some cheap ass off-brand.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Twenty years straight? Jeez, doesn't your jaw hurt?

drrty_martini May 19, 2012 at 11:22 pm

I'm not a fancy one percenter. There was the promise of a toaster! For free! I'm trying to avoid the inevitable conclusion that they neither grow on trees nor come out of turgid penises.

GlowneyHouse May 19, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Sing along with me! "Navy Pastor Gordon J. Klingenschmitt – His name is my name too!"

George Spelvin May 19, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Jingleheimer LIBEL!!!!

Exhausted66 May 20, 2012 at 1:44 am

Today, we are all Navy Pastor Gordon J Klingenschmitt????

Boojum May 20, 2012 at 7:26 am

No, no, not really.

Mittens Howell, III May 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

"animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them"

That explains nyan cat

Mittens Howell, III May 19, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Are we talking Gay Gay? or Navy Chaplain Gay?

bumfug May 19, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Come on, don't you remember in the bible where the demons were cast out of the guy and went into a herd of swine and the pigs immediately started blowing each other?

Steverino247 May 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

SQUEE… Oh, sorry.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Ned Beatty Libel!

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Aww, shoot. Now ya got me wantin' to google "inbred banjo-ing".

Rotundo_ May 19, 2012 at 7:56 pm

It is amazing how an extra couple of digits will take bluegrass to a whole new "scare the crap right out of Bela Fleck" level. Don't even start on Mandolins.

LastGasp May 19, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I think that's in the King Jethro version of the Bible.

Beowoof May 19, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Word is the Jethro version would be more to this guys liking as King James was a big homo

Fare la Volpe May 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

They don't call him Queen James for nothing.

criminogenic May 19, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Should have been a give away when those Swine were listed as Producers on 'Sex and the city'.

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 12:12 am

LOL!

Beowoof May 19, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Where is William Freidkin, he should be directing this movie about a brave Navy Chaplin fighting off the evil spirit of Liberace giving horses the gay.

Butch_Wagstaff May 19, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Who says Hollywood has run out of ideas? I can just picture the hordes of CGI gay horses rampaging all across 'Merica.
The trailer would have no voice-over, just musical stings between its stars making serious faces as they realize the horses are coming and are unstoppable.

Wile E. Quixote May 20, 2012 at 6:41 am

I'm thinking that Friedkin should do a movie about a brave Navy Chaplain who ventures into the sleazy, underground, gay S&M culture of New York City to catch homosexuals who are promoting homosexual marriages and convert them to being heterosexuals.. What's that you say? Marcus Bachmann is on line one and Gordon J. Klingenschmitt is on line two? That was fast, I hadn't even gotten around to mentioning the soundtrack by The Village People.

Wile E. Quixote May 20, 2012 at 6:45 am

It's been done. Thankfully "One Man, One Horse" was the only work in Kenneth Pinyan's ouevre.

pinkocommi May 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I watched that Gordon J. Klingenschmitt video, but did not understand a word he said because I don't speak Stupid.

Beetagger May 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm

There's probably an app for that.

flamingpdog May 20, 2012 at 1:44 am

"Excuse me, stewardess, but I speak Stupid."

Mittens Howell, III May 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

David Pakman: "Would you be able to orient yourself to like men right now if I made a compelling enough case to you"

Gordon J. Klingenschmitt: "Well, sure"

Happy now, Jesus? Huh? Huh?

pinkocommi May 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm

If you do not want to waste 11 minutes of your life on this dipshit, the following is all you need to know:
Pakman: "Could you have been recruited into homosexuality? Like right now, if I made a compelling enough case, could you really re-orient yourself and say, 'I am now attracted to men?"
Klingenschmitt: "Well sure…"

elfgoldsackring May 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

"In fact I've marked all the positions I want to try in this copy of the Gay Kama Sutra… You know, just for argument's sake…"

Rotundo_ May 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm

The concept of "recruitment" into homosexuality has always fascinated me: Do these yokels actually think there is some concerted effort on the part of the GLBT community to recruit folks into the ranks? Do they think it's like a union, with Journeyman and Master levels of training and compensation, with tests? Sorry kid, you can't come into this club without being a member in good standing of Local 3578 Amalgamated Brother and Sisterhood of Same Sex Relationships, No Card, No admittance.

a_pink_poodle May 19, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Recruit 10 straight people and you'll receive a brand new Black & Decker electric oven and 5 GayBux Rewards™ redeemable at your local Gay Agenda Station!

George Spelvin May 19, 2012 at 9:08 pm

You mean there really is no free toaster?

flamingpdog May 19, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Don'te they have Journeyman and Master levels of training with tests in the Boy Scouts?

Nostrildamus May 19, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Yes, they both involve lots to knots.

Wile E. Quixote May 19, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Extending the "recruitment" metaphor even further I wonder what comes after you're recruited into the LGBT lifestyle? Do they ship you off to basic training somewhere? San Francisco, Fire Island, West Hollywood? Are there different MOS/ratings, hairdresser, construction worker, butch Subaru mechanic, lipstick lesbian, reparative therapist? If you fail do you get recycled back a certain number of times to try again or are you just dishonorably discharged as a bisexual?
I can just see how homosexual basic training might go. "Goddamnit recruits, when I get back here I expect this barracks to look fabulous!" Or "What is your problem recruit? You look like you polished your boots and chaps with a Hershey bar?" Or "Did you shave your scrotum this morning recruit? It sure doesn't feel like you shaved your scrotum."

littlebigdaddy May 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

So, let's see…the gay demon was cast out of Marcus Bachmann and went into that llama, which had a total lesbo thing for Michele, but it's ok, because of Jeebus?

rocktonsam May 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

free toaster libel!!!11!

George Spelvin May 19, 2012 at 9:09 pm

argh.

LettucePrey May 19, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I predict that this guy gets caught hustling in an airport bathroom, faster than you can say "rentboy."

Swampgas_Man May 20, 2012 at 8:52 am

If someone makes him a "persuasive argument" through the glory hole.

DashBarb Buddha May 20, 2012 at 11:18 am

♫Tap three times, on the toilet for a blow job…
♫Twice on the pipes, for some love in the stall
♫Oh my pastor!

savethispatient May 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I heard that David Pakman's mum, Ms Pakman, loved to constantly eat pills and was scared of ghosts.

SexySmurf May 19, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I heard, that for 25 cents, she would gobble balls until she died.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2012 at 8:13 pm

#cotd

This comment is too beautiful to exist

Come here a minute May 19, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Wocka wocka!

DesertTed May 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm

The whole animals are gay thing is totally crap. My dog will hump a chair but that doesn't make him furniture.

deanbooth May 19, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Santorum was right — "That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, dog on ottoman, or whatever the case may be. "

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Chairs are selfish lovers.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2012 at 5:43 pm

He'll never love you back — move on, honey!

Geminisunmars May 19, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I'll settle for a settee.

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Since I didn't know what a settee was, I googled. Some of them don't look like bad lovers at all!

George Spelvin May 19, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Hmm, I sense a figure-ground problem here.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 20, 2012 at 11:51 am

If the dog was furniture, maybe it would be an Irish Settee.

Or a Labrador Recliner.

not that Radio May 20, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Or a Brittany Stepstool

flamingpdog May 19, 2012 at 9:16 pm

There's a peak in Colorado named Chair Mountain. I never considered the possibility that it was about furniture sex until now.

ChessieNefercat May 20, 2012 at 9:34 am

Is it near the Teton Range (early French voyageurs name"les Trois Tétons" (the three breasts)?

flamingpdog May 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm

It's a lot closer to the Spanish Peaks in SE Colorado, a somewhat isolated pair of mountains whose name in one of the local Native American languages was Haujatolla, which (allegedly) means "the breasts of God".

DashBarb Buddha May 20, 2012 at 11:11 am

When in college I worked at an agricultural research station for the University of Florida. We had a satellite at a place called Mount Dora. Our researcher's assistant (a refugee from Czechoslovakia – English was not her first language) said we had to go to Mount Dora for some experiment. My buddy asked, "so, we're going to Mount Dora? How does she feel about it?" The assistant didn't understand and didn't ask for clarification, but we laughed about it all day. She must have thought we were idiots.

DashBarb Buddha May 20, 2012 at 11:04 am

I find that love seats can be quite nice.

LocalGirlMakesGoo May 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

My budgie has been acting pretty faggy lately.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 19, 2012 at 5:17 pm

He's just pinin' for Fire Island.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 19, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Poor fellow clearly needed more rum and the lash. I'll assume he got as much of the other thing as he wanted.

radio-of-owls May 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I daresay, the boys gave old Gordy a sound thrashing, they did. Bully for them!

mavenmaven May 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Homosexuality according to this guy, is “related to the demonic, because the devil wants to recruit people into sin.” Sounds to me like this guy has some strong repressed same sex yearnings to me.

finallyhappy May 19, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I think anyone who actually believes in the Devil is an idiot- but perhaps I need to speak more plainly about how I feel.

George Spelvin May 19, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I thought that was pretty restrained.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 19, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I always thought it was funny how Klingenschmitt was always trying to get out of the Army by wearing a dress, but Hawkeye and Trapper John just took it all in stride.

Blueb4sunrise May 19, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Holeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeshit.
Warning to newbies : Do not directly return to reality after watching this video. You will get a kind of psychological bends. You may have to watch Jabba the Racist as a stepping stone back to the world.

shortsandpants May 19, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Keep fu&$"@' that chicken.

radio-of-owls May 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Wait. What the fucking fuck?!?! You live?? Jesus, Mary and Joseph DiMaggio. Welcome back, you old bastard! The core of veterans has dwindled and we need some institutional memory.

Oh, and by the way, you can say custerwolf's name now. Deleting that fucking twat was a delicious fight. Good times, good times. Honestly, welcome back.

Boojum May 20, 2012 at 7:37 am

I've been trying to remember her name, as part of a demonic summoning.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 19, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Shorts!!!!!!!!
How the fuck are you?
Welcome back.

shortsandpants May 19, 2012 at 8:47 pm

It's nice to be back, DUDEZ.

Boojum May 20, 2012 at 7:35 am

Yay!!!! Welcome back!!!!!

Doktor StrangeZoom May 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Sreat to have you back! Fortunately, we kept the fridge fully stocked

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm

So… This is Karl Rove's brother, right?

Infrogmation May 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm

J-E-B-U-S Goes Into Brain to Rupture Reason.

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 12:31 am

Shut her down; this comment has broken the thread.

radio-of-owls May 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm

ATTENTION ALL VETERANS: Shorts has entered the building.

SudsMcKenzie May 19, 2012 at 5:49 pm

… he's missing alot of ALL CAPS, I hope he's ok.

weejee May 19, 2012 at 5:59 pm

He remembered his pants.

radio-of-owls May 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm

And his shortsshortsshorts.

HateMachine May 19, 2012 at 7:13 pm

A day that shall live in infamy!

flamingpdog May 19, 2012 at 9:22 pm

You think maybe you ought to give the old warrior an old test, like who struck out Mickey Mantle three times in the third game of the 1964 World Series, just to make sure he isn't an enemy infiltrator wearing on old Wonketeer uniform.

SudsMcKenzie May 19, 2012 at 5:47 pm

If jeebus made peacocks gay, he did a fabulous job of it.

privatejoker77 May 19, 2012 at 5:54 pm

The Village People will no longer stand for this bullshit.

swordfis May 19, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I must be getting old because I feel sorry for this guy.

finallyhappy May 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I am old and I don't feel sorry for him

DaSandman May 19, 2012 at 6:02 pm

How did they get all that stupid into this guy's bowling ball head? Did they use a funnel or some sort of pressurized device?

Geminisunmars May 19, 2012 at 8:19 pm

I believe it came up from below.

Boojum May 20, 2012 at 7:59 am

An extreme example of reverse peristalsis.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 19, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Science does not back up this so called chaplain. http://www.nmr.nl/nmr/binary/retrieveFile?instanc

Chow Yun Flat May 19, 2012 at 9:07 pm

"The first case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard"

Universities must have lined up to offer this guy tenure.

Nostrildamus May 19, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Actually they waited till the third or fourth. Reproducibility, you know.

flamingpdog May 19, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Best published zoology paper EVAH! It actually won an Ig Nobel prize for biology in 2003.

southernbeale May 19, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Thanks for reminding me that if heaven is filled with assholes like this I'd rather spend eternity in hell. Time to fornicate or somethin'.

finallyhappy May 19, 2012 at 6:29 pm

lucky me- heaven and hell don't exist. I die – end of story

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Mazel tov!

DahBoner May 19, 2012 at 6:39 pm

"Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay"

Wow!

Scientology, Homophobia and a severe misunderstanding of Biology…

An entirely new branch of Ignorance! 1!!! 1!!!

Schmegeg May 19, 2012 at 6:42 pm

At last, a reasoned explanation for this phenomenon

greenide1 May 19, 2012 at 6:59 pm

He'd better leave my cat alone. I'm just sayin'.

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Here's something my fellow Wonketeers can appreciate: The choice between Brawndo or Toilet Water.

Butch_Wagstaff May 19, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I told people when that movie came out that it was going to be our future. They laughed at me, those fools!

Warpde May 19, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Which ever one gets you some "BIG ASS FRIES"

owhatever May 19, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I'd like to be snarky, but my dog is so gay that he licks his own ass.

Butch_Wagstaff May 19, 2012 at 8:03 pm

He's demon-possessed!

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2012 at 8:15 pm

If you give him a chance he'll lick his own balls too.

flamingpdog May 19, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Q:Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 12:33 am

Give him another chance and he'll lick your's for free.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 19, 2012 at 7:18 pm

That's right. It was because I was exposed to the Gay Agenda. I must remember to tell my wife that the next time she finds me in bed with some dude.

shortsandpants May 19, 2012 at 8:44 pm

She might be more angry that you became a Republican.

ElPinche May 19, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Gordon looks like a cross between one of Karl Rove's plethora of hemorroids and the tourettes guy.

chascates May 19, 2012 at 7:40 pm

So if a dog or cat sniffs another animals butt does that make them gay? Or is it just another form of communication? And maybe Sky Pilot has typical mammal mating behavior confused with the human ass-fucking?

Butch_Wagstaff May 19, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I've dated guys who thought sniffing butts was another form, or the ONLY form, of communication.

poorgradstudent May 19, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Can I get my fag-demons to make me a sandwich?

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Only the most fabulous sandwich EVAR!

Geminisunmars May 19, 2012 at 8:12 pm

And God said "Because you piss me off."

Preacher_Griz May 19, 2012 at 8:27 pm

If you ever get buttsexed by a animal you are 100% certain to contract gay homoism. PROVEN MEDICAL FACT that govt researches are hiding from you on orders from allahbama and his kenyan kronies

littlebigdaddy May 19, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Bill Dauterive libel!

Callyson May 19, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Eleven minutes? Hell to the no–I'm still pissed at myself for giving the "I'm not a racist" racist three minutes of my time…

littlebigdaddy May 19, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Speaking of which, and I hate to reveal the poverty of my social life, but Lawrence Welk is doing a Cole Porter special! Rainbows and Unicorns for all!!!!!!!

HistoriBarb May 20, 2012 at 9:21 am

You poor bastard …

DashBarb Buddha May 20, 2012 at 11:12 am

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it…

radio-of-owls May 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Marriage is between a-one, an-a-two men and women. Wunnerful.

not that Radio May 20, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I think you're really gonna enjoy this

Warwhatgoodfor May 21, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I have heard they have drugs for that condition. And therapy. Lots of therapy.

SheriffRoscoe May 19, 2012 at 9:34 pm

The right reverend Sheisershmitt goes into a lesson on genetics and how two blonde parents must by needs have a 100% blonde child, proving straight parents cannot pop out gay babies, and it blew my fucking mind. I mean, I was a blonde child and turned sort of brunettish in my early adult years. What the fuck is going on? I'm genetically defective in so many ways it now seems.

Preacher_Griz May 20, 2012 at 5:14 am

If you were once blonde and now has Darkie Hair it means not only God has Left you but also you are Demon Possessed explaining any repressed homoism urges you sense from time to time.

Were you buttsexed by a pet at some point in your past?

Warwhatgoodfor May 21, 2012 at 5:57 pm

What this guy knows about genetics is only exceeded by what I know about servicing the reactors on his submarine.

didgen May 19, 2012 at 9:41 pm

McGee doesn't seem nearly so bizarre on NCIS.

Warpde May 19, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"animals are homosexual"
And that, my fiends, is why I have 5 male cats.
De-clawed of course.
Eat your hearts out.
Gotta go, Buster looks lonely.

Wile E. Quixote May 19, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Oh, BTW chaplain Klingonschmidt. According to this book called the Bible if you're praying out in public in Jesus's name Ur doin it rong. From the gospel of Matthew, Chapter 6.

5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

So basically dude Jesus is saying that you're doing it backwards, you need to be gay in public and keep the praying in the closet. Try it, I think you'll be a lot happier.

OneYieldRegular May 19, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Well, amoebae are totally gay.

smokefilledroommate May 19, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Just look at how they're spelled !

johnnyzhivago May 19, 2012 at 10:52 pm

And don't even get this guy started on the Coast Guard!

smokefilledroommate May 19, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Sheesh, this man was adopted and brainwashed by Christian fundies. Personally, I think that is child abuse on a grand scale… Pigman, the demons in your head are the ones put there by your parents.

BarackMyWorld May 19, 2012 at 11:57 pm
flamingpdog May 20, 2012 at 1:55 am

They said the men were members of a group known as “Black Bloc,”

WHAAAA?? Baamer's getting bombed by Blah people??

Oh, wait, lookin' at the pics, I'm thinking the "Black Blockheads" would be a more appropriate name.

johnnyzhivago May 20, 2012 at 6:29 am

Isn't the third guy that O'Keefe twit…???

This almost sounds like his "greatest" expose – gone terribly wrong.

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 9:15 pm

What, so the FBI put up some more schmucks?

BarackMyWorld May 20, 2012 at 12:18 am

Oh, those blacks again with their civil rights this and their discrimination that…

NAACP endorses same-sex marriage

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 12:35 am

But, but, I thought the blahs were all homophobes who'll abandon the president 'cause he supports same-sex marriage!

BarackMyWorld May 20, 2012 at 9:36 am

The black churches are getting their marching orders from the White House~!

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 9:17 pm

I thought it was the other way around! Now, I don't know what to believe. :(

flamingpdog May 20, 2012 at 2:01 am

I'll bet this news makes Grandma Mema's head assplode.

smokefilledroommate May 20, 2012 at 12:30 am

You can lead a snot into temptation, but you can't make him self-aware.

Negropolis May 20, 2012 at 12:35 am

If some alternative weekly hasn't already named itself the Gay Agenda, then they aren't doing their fuckin' job. lol

Wile E. Quixote May 20, 2012 at 6:19 am

I still think that there's an awesome opportunity for someone to start a leather bar and name it "The Batcave". Assuming of course that doing so wouldn't get you sued by DC Comics/TimeWarner.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Which it totally would.

rickmaci May 20, 2012 at 1:05 am

"Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), …"

I think Gordon J. Klingenschmitt may be feeling the pull…

HistoriBarb May 20, 2012 at 9:36 am

I think the problem is that he isn't feeling the pull … if you know what I mean.

rickmaci May 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

Bwahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Sassomatic May 20, 2012 at 1:44 am

I'm only at 5:42 so far, but I have to say, I'm proud of this guy for directly answering all of the questions. With increasingly lunatic answers, of course. So, you were talking about pigs possessed by gay demons, I believe. Go on . . .

flamingpdog May 20, 2012 at 2:19 am

You know, there could be something to this guy's theory there about gay animals. This critter went extinct in Africa about 1.5 million years ago, about the time the ancestors to modern hominids hit their stride, but didn't go extinct in North America until about 10,000 years ago, about the same time GUESS WHO showed up in North America.

Wile E. Quixote May 20, 2012 at 6:16 am

Shit. I think I know this one. The answer is either "Hitler" or "All of them, Katie." but I don't know which. Can I still have partial credit?

George Spelvin May 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Mormon Jeebus?

Wile E. Quixote May 20, 2012 at 6:24 am

Wow, and here I was thinking that it was exposure to Pink Kryptonite that made people gay. But I guess that only applies to Kryptonians.

gurukalehuru May 20, 2012 at 8:05 am

Klingenschmitt really sounds like some sort of Nazi Klingon. A gay Nazi Klingon.

johnnyzhivago May 20, 2012 at 8:28 am

They had some leftover 2012 Gay Agenda's at Office Depot that looked fabulous!

SaintRond May 20, 2012 at 10:03 am

Once again, I walk into the living room and there's the goddamn cat and dog goin' at it again in front of the TV, locked in an unbreakable 69 embrace, scandalizin' the wife an' kids. But now, instead of doin' what any normal person would do an' just takin' the shotgun off the wall an' shootin' the both of 'em, I understand. I finally understand.

Christ, I can't wait to vote.

starfanglednut May 20, 2012 at 11:50 am

This made me giggle for about 10 minutes.

GemlikeFlame May 20, 2012 at 10:11 am

Dear Gawd, what a closet case.

johnnyzhivago May 20, 2012 at 11:05 am

Hey, OT, a couple of my cats are definitely gay – but – should I be worried if it gets to the point where they figured out how to set the TiVo to record Glee???

Doktor StrangeZoom May 20, 2012 at 11:52 am

Yes, you should. That show has completely jumped the shark.

johnnyzhivago May 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I know, but hey, as long as they watch it when I'm not home, I'm not going to get too concerned about it. What bugs me to no end is how they keep changing the channel to see Anderson Cooper when I'm watching Rachel Maddow.

radio-of-owls May 20, 2012 at 1:31 pm

God help you if they figure out how to set the parental controls. You'll only be able to watch AC360, HGTV and the Judy Garland Channel.

Franknflower May 20, 2012 at 11:16 am

Adoption made him like he is.

ttommyunger May 20, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Also, the beatings will continue, until morale improves….

valthemus May 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I want an army of gay winged monkeys that I can dispatch to engage in mass copulating on the front lawns of cretins like Klingenschmitt.

Is it just a coincidence that he looks so much like Karl Rove? There's another one asking for a shower of monkey semen.

Bonghits4Jesus May 20, 2012 at 6:23 pm

So, it was Mr. Popper's poppers that turned the penguins gay!

niblick77 May 21, 2012 at 8:25 am

The dudes name is Pakman! Get it?

ghblowhard May 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Didn't they say the same stuff about inter-racial marriage?? Am I the only one who remembers?

davidpakman May 21, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Thanks so much for posting about my interview with the chaplain!

Doktor StrangeZoom May 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Oh, those Mandaloid kids!

Designer_Rants May 19, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Here's the clip, in case it's been a while: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SA61zycbLSI
start it at 3:00

radio-of-owls May 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Doktor StrangeZoom May 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Or a Sitz Tzu…perhaps a Chair Pei

not that Radio May 20, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Or a Bassinet Hound

not that Radio May 20, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Lawnchair Apso?

radio-of-owls May 20, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Perhaps a Barkalounger.

not that Radio May 20, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Davhundport.

Doktor StrangeZoom May 21, 2012 at 12:21 am

Kid Zoom declared that the winner.

A Deskhund with matching Boston Chairier?

radio-of-owls May 21, 2012 at 12:59 am

There's always a Chaise Longue-haired Terrier.

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