campaign sads

We’re All Getting Rich On Mitt Romney’s First Day, Video Says

ALT TEXT IS ON THE PICTURE K?Well tut tut, a Friday news dump: Mitt Romney’s first general election ad! Since it’s an official ad, it’s nice and sunny and banal, unlike the “HOW MANY FOUNDING FATHERS DID OBAMA RAPE TODAY?” ones that his forty Super PACs will be running nonstop. It’s about Mitt Romney’s first day. What will happen? It will be sunny and tractors will cut wheat. A man will open a door in front of his Small Business. Each American will get five Keystone pipelines. Romney will “issue order to begin” fixing the health care system by eliminating the health care system and replacing it with tax cuts. Savvy young tech whizzes will play on the computer. Mitt Romney will give a speech before a joint session of Congress, on Day 1. A black lady in a business suit will fold her arms and smile because of Mitt Romney. He will stand next to a black man for two seconds for the cameras. Also too, Reforms. Then he’ll jump off a cliff, in despair, maybe. The years 2013-2017 will be “good for America,” hehe, hoo boy.

UPDATE: He will also shake a black lady’s hand for half a second; we missed this part. That’s three, quota met!

[via Outside the Beltway]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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170 comments

  1. LiberalMantra

    Gonna party like it's 1929. (Depression, institutionalized bigotry and sexism — ah, the good old days)

  2. Steverino247

    And every man in American will get a blow job with no concern about where he ejaculates because Romney is President.

    Every woman will have oral sex she will never forget (see blowjobs above…).

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It's hard to forget being forced to give a blow job, which will be legal in Romney's America, just like it was under the Founders! After all, there is nothing in the Constitution that allows Congress to regulate blow jobs!

      1. Negropolis

        I think it's somewhere in the commerce clause, especially if you're sucked off across state lines.

    2. SorosBot

      Are you kidding? Mitt will make sure to get Supreme Court justices who will overrule Lawrence v Texas, thus allowing the return of making the the blowjobs, pussy-licking and buttsex illegal.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Yes, but only when it involves a couple of dudes. Women won't have standing to challenge what ever a good many, in his own enlighten self interest, forces them to do. Have you even read the Constitution?

    3. sullivanst

      Every woman will have oral sex she will never forget

      No matter how much she tries. See how Romney will create jerbs in the liquor distillery and retail sectors!

    4. mormos

      There will be infinity jobs, brown people will turn into white people, women will learn their place, vaginas will be illegal and penises will have a national holiday, everyone will have magic underwear, we’ll eat gold plated oatmeal and shit rainbows, their will be peace in the middle east, Ronald Reagan will descend from heaven with Mormon Jesus to shake Mitt’s hand, god will have an orgy with his many wives, there will be many wives for all white males, the rich will get richer and the poor will like it, and most important –

      FREEDUM

      BECAUSE AMERICA

    5. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Actually, none of this will happen, because Bristol Palin's ghostwriter will have banned all the oral-pleasuring books. And then the acts, too, because they are non-procreative.

      God, you filthy liberals, always thinking about the sex. The hot, sweaty, pulsating, throbbing sex.

  3. anniegetyerfun

    Tech whizzes do stuff on computers now, but it's mostly masturbating. Will Mitt Romney outlaw masturbating? Probably.

  4. anniegetyerfun

    Also, too, there's no way that the black dude he stands next to isn't a bodyguard.

  5. flamingpdog

    Lots of blah peoples there, Miit, but only one of them at your campaign rallies. And he's standing so close and looking so serious that he HAS to be Secret Service.

      1. vodkamuppet

        We're living in Mad Max times here, don't even joke. Give us a warning though.

  6. coolhandnuke

    And on that fictional day, I will strap the nearest Republican cur to the roof of my car, throw a dart at a globe, and head there.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    I must've blinked when Mitts shook the blah lady's hand? Then I flinched when there appeared to be a Paul Ryan clone complete with Eddie Munster brows around the :18 mark.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, on Mitt's first day in office, they will be cutting wheat. Does this mean he doesn't plan to take office until August, 2013, or he is planning a coup for this August/September?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Didn't you see the bumper stickers?
      Mitt Romney: He'll Make Every Day Harvest Day

    2. Midway117

      It will be a very warm, sunny day in January before Romney is elected (note: bad joke only applies to snowy regions).

    1. flamingpdog

      More reason for the Rethugs to run Ron Paul for Preznit so we can have pot in every chicken(hawk).

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    On Mitt's first day, he will take the country into bankruptcy, send out pink slips to everyone, and move all the viable assets into his overseas accounts.

    1. flamingpdog

      And tear down the White House so he can build another one four times its size.

      Also saves on fumigation costs.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Does our current White House have a car elevator? No? That settles it, I'm for Mitt (elevator doors close)

    1. flamingpdog

      I'm sure you won't have to look too long around the internetz before you find a fucking pony or two (or three-way).

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Rod Blagojevich's favorite cartoon: My Little Fucking Pony: Friendship Is Fucking Golden

    1. V572 Is this him?

      Take a long nap…

      No, wait, that was Chimpy. Mitt will order up multiple Power Points outlining the pros and cons of various "courses of action."

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Is that an euphemism for masturbation? If so, are Mormons allowed to do that?

        1. GeneralLerong

          Only if thinking about the opposite sex.

          Same sex, ya gotta turn it off like a light switch.

          Animals…maybe? Something about whether the hoof is cloven or not? Or is that some other religious book?

      2. Chichikovovich

        As soon as he's officially sworn in he'll hire a bunch of undocumented workers to cut brush. "I'm no longer running for President, for Pete's sake."

        1. sullivanst

          Well played, comrade. I was gonna try for that angle, but laughing was easier and that seemed more important at the time. My brain is addled from being in the middle of a very long list of extremely tedious code changes.

    2. Doktor StrangeZoom

      Gaze in astonishment at the flying pigs and the snowdrifts all over hell?

  10. bumfug

    "A man will open a door in front of his Small Business…"
    You left out "so the sheriff can help the guys from Bain Capital clear out the furniture and machinery they sold to pay their management fees."

  11. MadBrahms

    Forget the money for nothing. Call me when there's a candidate who promises chicks for free.

  12. iburl

    Mitt knew that FLOTUS and Barack Obama Sr. were up to no good…

    "LDS Apostle Mark E. Petersen said in 1954: "I think I have read enough to give you an idea of what the Negro is after. He is not just seeking the opportunity of sitting down in a cafe where white people eat. He isn't just trying to ride on the same streetcar or the same Pullman car with white people. It isn't that he just desires to go to the same theater as the white people. From this, and other interviews I have read, it appears that the Negro seeks absorption with the white race. He will not be satisfied until he achieves it by intermarriage. That is his objective and we must face it.""

    1. V572 Is this him?

      Good thing we got rid of those streetcars and Pullman cars (each w/a blah porter) so the Negro can't ride with us.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      LDS Apostle Mark E. Petersen misinterpreted the Negroes who were shouting at him, "fuck you and your wives!!"

      What does FLOTUS have to do with this, btw?

    3. Chichikovovich

      He was wrong, of course. What the Negro really wanted was to become President, so that some Mormon follower of the teachings of LDS Apostle Mark E. Petersen could be nominated as his opponent, whereupon the Negro could kick the Mormon's ass.

    4. Negropolis

      These were some fucking sick people.

      Yes, black people wanted to be treated as humans just so they could become white. They hated themselves that much that they wanted to mix themselves out of existence. Those whole Black Power and Black is Beautiful movements? Yeah, just for show.

      Project much? I'd never read that, and the reaction I had to it is visceral.

  13. SorosBot

    My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

    1. dadanarchist

      "Abortions for all." "Boooooooo!" "Very well, no abortions for anyone." "Boooooooooo!"" Hmm… Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others." "Yaaaay!"

      Sad how accurate this is.

  14. Serolf_Divad

    I've got to wonder: will Romney's "common sense" health care reforms look anything like the "common sense" health care reforms he instituted in in Massachussets? 'cause that would be funny.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Or, for that matter, the common sense health care reform championed by Republicans and the Heritage Foundation, at least until a black guy was in favor of it.

  15. SmutBoffin

    It's reassuring to know that when Romney is elected there will still be American flags covering fucking everything, everywhere.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Including the coffins being flown into Dover AFB from the exciting new war with Iran that Romney wants to start.

  16. flamingpdog

    I only counted 28 American flags in the whole 30 seconds. I wanna see Mitt's birf certificate!!!

  17. Aridzona

    How much of a leap is it from prep school bully to corporate raider/vulture capitalist?

  18. Beowoof

    It seems, not surprisingly, that America is confused again, Americans won't become rich when Rmoney is elected president; Rmoney's friends will become even more rich. Sigh most of the poors who vote for these guys live under the constantly promoted delusion that they will be rich someday and they don't want to pay their fortunes to the government to feed lazy blah people.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The rich are getting richer, in a no-growth economy — how hard can it be to figure out where the money is coming from?

  19. fuflans

    no bloody way in hell i'm watching that on friday afternoon when i've been subjected to joe the plumber, the 112th congress and Arizona all day.

  20. edgydrifter

    Unemployment will plummet to 0.3% and everyone will get a 15% raise the day after Romney's inauguration, because of certainty and whatnot.

  21. Serolf_Divad

    So the camera switches to the image of a smiling black woman when the announcer says the phrase "job creators." That's nice. I wonder how long she worked at Bain Capital… or was it Goldman Sachs, in her case?

  22. Callyson

    "What would a Romney presidency be like?"

    Payday!

    - United Comedians of America
    - Neighborhood liquor stores
    - Anti – depressant manufacturers

  23. metamarcisf

    I'll tell you the first thing I'D do. Fuck an intern, drink a case of Lone Star and christen the White House toilet.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    This is just a sample of the good that happens to everybody when we elect a rich white asshole with an MBA to the presidency. Oh, wait.

  25. Fairtackle

    The attractive black lady in the business suit folding her arms looks so relaxed and confident, I am pretty sure she thought she was doing a Summer's Eve commercial.

    1. SorosBot

      I kind of suspect she, and many of the other actors in this ad, were actually just filming stock footage.

      1. Fairtackle

        hmmm, which might make the ad seem sort of nonspecific, generic and well, meaningless.

      2. Doktor StrangeZoom

        This won't go well for Mitt. I happen to know that Woman Picking Out Fruit In Supermarket and Scientist Looking At Line Graph are both supporting Al Franken

    2. Callyson

      That smug look in her eyes…

      I so want this woman to come out when this ad is in heavy rotation and say that after looking more closely at the candidates, she will be voting for Obama after all…

  26. Left_Leftie

    Black Weminz is Jobs Creators???!!!
    Well she's nodding so it must be true.
    I thought they were too busy making babies and trying to abort them.

  27. johnnyzhivago

    OT, but when Ann Romney goes off the campaign trail to play with her "Austrian Warmblood", you don't suppose she's actually referring to Arnold Schwarzenegger???

  28. didgen

    Now that I've watched that lovely bit of shit, bartender another bloody Mary. Need more fiber.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      It's incredible that this beige fuckspoon is anywhere near the Presidency.

      I shall drink gin and pretend it's not happening. Cheers, sir or madam.

  29. Doktor StrangeZoom

    OT, but too good to leave on the older thread about the idiot AZ SecState who wants to leave Obama off the ballot (because who reads the hours-old threads?):

    From the TPM story:

    In the weeks since then, Bennett said, Hawaii officials have forced him to provide proof that he is who he says he is. They asked him to send them copies of the Arizona laws that prove the secretary of state really is the person in charge of handling the ballots.

    Talk about your buried lede! The headline here should be:

    TROLLS TROLLED: HAWAII BUREAUCRATS PUNK BIRTHER IDIOTS

    With the sub-head: "You're the Arizona Secretary of What, Now?

    Whoever in the Hawaii department of vital records is doing this, I want to hug and maybe gay-marry.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      I hope they keep it up. The next thing they should do is ask for proof that Arizona is actually part of the United States. Oh, and they should demand long-form birth certificates for him, Jan Brewer and every Republican in the Arizona legislature.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Didn't Obama win Hawai'i with 72% of the vote? They are insanely proud that the Aloha State, the youngest state, has produced a President. & fuck those turds in Arizona better not step to it.

    2. elfgoldsackring

      "Oh, you're right beside New Mexico? Lemme guess, you also border South Canada and West Timberland. Go waste someone else's time, kiddo." Click!

    3. JustPixelz

      I'm glad they're careful about who they send those vital records to because of identity theft. It has the added frisson of making an AZ asshat squirm. But mostly I wonder if Panama-born John McCain had this trouble getting on the ballot in 2008.

  30. weejee

    Likely be a good idea for Wonketteers to do a little hedging and invest in lightly-salted rat dick futures, as starting on Mittens' first day in office vast quantities of same will be heading out to all parts of the country.

  31. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

    As BZ1 says above – repeal the ACA and replace it with …. meaningless pablum? "Common sense", like any cunt in congress has any of that.

    And, honestly, more fucking tax cuts? I think we tried that shit before.

    This doofus is trying to be fucking President of the US. It's mindboggling.

  32. Guppy

    So the GOP will be saving the mass executions of homosexuals and revocation of property ownership rights for women for day two?

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Shush. They don't advertise that bit.

      Wait, maybe we could Luntz it?
      "Expunging moral decay and the insidious rise of special interest groups"?

      No, too intellectual.

      "Romney will fight liberal moral depravity and will stop tax-hiking property rules"

  33. mavenmaven

    In other words, we will immediately poison the environment and your drinking water and if you aren't rich enough to have very expensive medical insurance, prepare to die.

  34. DocChaos

    Day 2:
    Romney discovers that Transcanada won't pick the exact route of the XL pipeline they prefer until they find how much they receive from what states in terms of property tax credits and the right to declare imminent domain, and indicates that concerns of pipeline overcapacity may lead them to export their tar sands directly to Asia by way of Vancouver. Thousands of jobs not created.

    The CBO scores Romney's tax cuts and reforms, announcing they will accelerate the deficit. Job creators belatedly realize they forgot to create consumers who can actually afford to buy the goods that create the jobs.

    Employees are told their Medicare contribution will increase to pay for transition to common sense plan to turn it in to a privatized voucher system, which will unfortunately only pay for about a third of the average retiree's medical expenses. Coverage denied.

    1. Fukui-sanRadioBarb

      Keystone is an export pipeline as anyone can find out if they read the fucking SEC documents. People don't. That gas is being sold to China, mostly.

      "imminent domain" sounds like a rather tasty sex move.

  35. Naked_Bunny

    Immediate goals for a Republican president:

    * Destroy the environment….CHECK!

    * Destroy the economy…CHECK!

    * Destroy healthcare insurance for poor people…CHECK!

    It's great to see a little honesty in a politician. Fuck that "compassionate conservatism" bullshit.

  36. Negropolis

    The harping on Keystone XL is such an incredibly strange Republican touchstone. Even in their propoganda, it only creates a few thousand construction jobs, and the actual truth is something much less coupled with the fact that it does not even begin to address our energy needs and reforms.

    Of all the stuff they could bitch about, Keystone seems like the oddest one of the bunch. I can't imagine the actual sane, suburban Republicans (what's left of them, anyway) look at this and it makes them angry. This is an issue where I think the GOP is wildly out of touch even with their own base. Even the most oil-loving conservatives knows that building a pipeline to basically ship oil to China not only doesn't address our domestic energy issues, but they also realize that Americans are increasingly widening their horizons about our energy needs. The whole "oil-only" approach is a complete minority opinion, now.

  37. jakegittes

    ALL HAIL THE JERB CREATORS. Either get on your knees or bend over to demonstrate your full and complete adoration of them.

  38. valthemus

    Romney honestly thinks he can convince me that he has anything but utter contempt for blacks and the working class? Clearly he's trying to secure the self-deluded shitbag vote.

  39. Warpde

    "We’re All Getting Rich On Mitt Romney’s First Day"
    Um, hand up here….yeah, thanks.
    Um, can I get the money now?
    Mitts not very good at sticking to promises and such.

  40. wonkettkinkster

    DID ALL OF YOU FREAKING MISS THAT MITT ROMNEY'S PAC IS CALLED "MITT ROMNEY FOR PRESIDENT, INC"??!?!??!

    I'm feeling faint. Where are my smelling salts?

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