LEGENDARY POLITICAL SCUFFLES  3:10 pm May 18, 2012

Meanwhile, In Congress, A Veritable Donnybrook Erupts Over Libations

by Jim Newell

Rumor is, Dick Lugar was conceived during thisOops, it’s Friday, better check in on our beloved 112th Congress to see if they did anything (please god, spare us) or even showed up this week. Good heavens… fisticuffs? “One congressman accused another of drinking on the job in the midst of a tense exchange Wednesday night over whether the House would debate an amendment aimed at bringing the war in Afghanistan to a close.” Yes, so, again, as that masterfully constructed Politico lede (WIN!) said: The issue was an amendment to end the war in Afghanistan. Within moments, a congressman accused another congressman of drinking a legal beverage. The war in Afghanistan continued. Steny Hoyer demanded an apology on the one congressman’s behalf. After that, the war in Afghanistan continued happening. And now it’s the weekend, woo-hoo!

Here’s the hot script from a Wednesday night in Congress that took place 11 years after we invaded Afghanistan:

“Mr. Chairman I think we’ve gotten this, that Mr. McGovern is not happy. I think this is also behavior, that I wonder if people have been out drinking tonight, or whether they are mad or angry or incapable of controlling themselves, and I would question that tonight,” Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, the chairman of the GOP’s campaign committee, said of Rep. Jim McGovern (D-Mass.) at a late-night meeting of the House Rules Committee.

“I take offense to that,” McGovern said, according to a transcript of the exchange. “I have an amendment to the rule Mr. Chairman and I would say to the gentleman that you know, there are some issues worth fighting over and for me, ending this war is one of them. And I’m sorry the gentleman doesn’t think that —- take that very seriously.”

Sessions shot back: “Simply asked a question. If the shoe fits.”

McGovern told POLITICO he had not been drinking and said Sessions called him Thursday morning. But in separate interviews, the two men differed over whether Sessions said he was sorry.

“He apologized,” McGovern said.

“I don’t know what there is to apologize about,” said Sessions, who denied that he had cast a stone at McGovern.

He did acknowledge talking to McGovern Thursday morning.

Asked whether he thought McGovern had been drinking, Sessions said “I haven’t seen the tape yet.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer spoke in defense of McGovern in a floor statement Thursday.

“I rise in deep disappointment at the treatment he was accorded last night. Unworthy of this body, unworthy of the Rules Committee and unworthy of the character and integrity of the gentleman from Massachusetts,” Hoyer, a Maryland Democrat said. “I’m pleased there has been an apology for that. But I did not want it to go unmentioned. This body is better than that, although at times it is not. And we all lament the fact when it is not.”

Wait, what is Jim McGovern’s excuse for not drinking before going on the House floor? We can’t have anyone getting hurt out there.

[Politico]

 
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{ 101 comments }

Barb May 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

John Boehner: I'll have what he's having and make mine a double.

OldWhiteLies May 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

… but with a chaser of spray tan (in burnt desert orange)

Antispandex May 18, 2012 at 5:13 pm

"I believe the question before the body is two fingers of Jameson's…opposed?"

GuanoFaucet May 18, 2012 at 3:18 pm

To all my friends!

Barb May 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Cheers, Guano!

prommie May 18, 2012 at 4:06 pm

To all the girls I've loved before!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 18, 2012 at 4:48 pm

One for my baby, and one more for the road….

Come here a minute May 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Typical weak-kneed McGovern Democrat.

Oops, wrong McGovern, and century.

Mumbletypeg May 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

One congressman accused another of drinking on the job

Business as booze-ual.

emmelemm May 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Yeah, honestly, I don't see how you could be a Congresscritter and NOT drink. Heavily.

CapnFatback May 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Asked whether he thought McGovern had been drinking, Sessions said “I haven’t seen the tape yet.”

You mean that there's actual tape in Congress? Ooh, I bet it's red.

MissTaken May 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Wait! Are you saying they normally don't drink in Congress?? They act this way sober?!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 18, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Drink, get stoned, shoot iguana saliva between their toes. What's the difference in the end?

OkieDokieDog May 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Where's the GOP Ladies? … and their prohibition signs!

MissTaken May 18, 2012 at 3:32 pm

They're in the kitchen making all the Congressmen doing their important work sandwiches.

SorosBot May 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"I wonder if people have been out drinking tonight"

You mean besides Speaker Boehner?

MissTaken May 18, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Even Congressmen know Boehner isn't a person.

fartknocker May 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Pete Sessions: "I haven't seen the tape yet."

Geez these fuckers. They sound like Commander Hair Helmet yesterday saying "I'll say anything based on what I think is important at the time I say it." Bring in the circular firing squad.

CapnFatback May 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Sessions shot back: “Simply asked a question. If the shoe fits.”

". . . I will fuck the shit out of that shoe."

emmelemm May 18, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"if the shoe fits."

… Then your feet don't hurt?

coolhandnuke May 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm

The issue was an amendment to end the war in Afghanistan–a country where alcohol is forbidden. Then, one big turd accused a smaller turd of drinking while on duty during the Afghani War debate.
Gotta love happy hour in Foggy Bottom with these never ending war of turds.

Baconzgood May 18, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"Let ye who has not gone to Congress shit faced cast the first stone"

-Jebus-

SayItWithWookies May 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Sessions is an asshole from Texas — if you lived in Texas, you wouldn't want to leave a place as relatively pleasant and unsullied as Afghanistan either.

sharethegrief May 18, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Sessions was the guy who missed his own swearing in (2011). He was at a fundraiser in D.C. that day and believed he could take the oath telepathically. His I.Q. hovers around 60 when the electricity is on.

Fairtackle May 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Huh, a repub trying to change the subject when called out on their BS. that is just plumb crazy.

Lucidamente1 May 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"I'll have what she's having."

wonkettkinkster May 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Uh, HELLO, McGovern's district is Worcester, MA. Anyone not drinking from Worcester is automatically docked two Worcester Points (good towards urban decay and gang violence credits for your own hometown!)

SmutBoffin May 18, 2012 at 3:27 pm

OH! And there's Michele Bachmann, tippin' back a prescription bottle full of "baby-farmer's little helpers". AND WHAT'S THIS?! Bernie Sanders, burning down a giant spliff in the back row? HUH? Who is that huddled under their desk, refreshing a paper bag with a quick shot of Krylon Metallic Gold before taking a deep pull? WHY IT'S ERIC CANTOR

FlownOver May 18, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I'm not as drunk as some thinkle peep I am.

Buckminster May 19, 2012 at 5:54 am

And I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

MissTaken May 18, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I'll happily donate a case of wine to Congress if it will get us the fuck out of Afghanistan.

100% Snark Free.

SorosBot May 18, 2012 at 3:32 pm

And coming from you, that would be the nice, premium wines, not the cheap shit.

MissTaken May 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Shhh! Or all the Wonketterado will start showing up at my apartment looking for yummy Pinot!

Jus_Wonderin May 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Yummy Pinot. Is that a Palin Spawn name?

sullivanst May 18, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Far too classy for them.

Boxed Red more likely.

Butch_Wagstaff May 18, 2012 at 5:33 pm

It will be now.

SorosBot May 18, 2012 at 3:42 pm

OK, I'll quiet about your great – um, about your nothing at all; there's nothing to see here people.

fartknocker May 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I'll supply the really cool, mac-daddy wine opening apparatus from Costco.

Ruhe May 18, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Yes, it's telling isn't it. A Democrat offers an amendment advocating the end of a war and the Republican response is "you must be drinking". I'd say let the congresscritters drink all the alcohol they want if it will curb their unslakable thirst for blood.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I've have neither been to, nor fucked in, Afghanistan. When should I expect my wine to be delivered?

horsedreamer_1 May 18, 2012 at 7:27 pm

"Wine alcoholics are the worst kind ok alcoholics".

Really, that's all I remember from reading "On the Road".

Buckminster May 19, 2012 at 5:54 am

You go, girl!

mrpuma2u May 18, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I though most of them were drunk by noon, considering the legislation that makes it way out of there.

Butch_Wagstaff May 18, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Who wants to read boring ass bills anyway? It's best to get drunk and start strippin' on the chamber floor. And there's always the possibility that Congress ladies might start making out with each other.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 18, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Congress really couldn't do any worse of a job, might as well try it drunk.

SorosBot May 18, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Better yet, let's slip them all some acid and see what trippy bills they come up with then.

sullivanst May 18, 2012 at 5:08 pm

It is the sense of Congress that I could flyyyyyyyyyy

NYNYNYjr May 18, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Herodotus said the Persians would only make an important decision if they thought it was a good idea both when they were drunk and when they were sober. I think this is a very wise process and Congress should adopt it for a trial year.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I drink at work all the time. Granted, I do work at a brewery.

Jus_Wonderin May 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Ah, I work at a video game company. We just play games all day.

MissTaken May 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I drink at work all the time. Granted, I do work in finance.

prommie May 18, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Looks like I picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.

SteveMcCroskey May 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Tell me about it…

Baconzgood May 18, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I drink at work all the time. Granted, I do work in sales.

LesBontemps May 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I drink at work all the time, too. Granted, I do work in air traffic control.

OldWhiteLies May 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

And I simply work at drink.

But mebbe I'm doing it wrong …

DashBarb Buddha May 18, 2012 at 6:35 pm

I'm unemployed. Plenty of time to drink…no money to buy it. I has a sad.

Blueb4sunrise May 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Old joke….Pete Sessions showed up sober today.

prommie May 18, 2012 at 3:32 pm

And now for some drinking music, The Black Keys, Lonely Boy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omfh914SubQ

bumfug May 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Pete Sessions is a pinch-faced little bowl of lukewarm fuck. The End.

salt_bagel May 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm

"Pinch-faced Little Bowl of Lukewarm Fuck"

I haven't had one of those since Spring Break '97. Man, the shit you can get people to drink with some Triple Sec and a half-offensive name..

bikerlaureate May 18, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I'd chide you for petty exaggeration, but (of course) I haven't seen the tape yet.

LettucePrey May 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I wasted."
- George Best

sewollef May 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Met him once.

When he was at the end of his career at Manchester United and I was a fresh-faced kid, and trainee photo-journalist waiting to get onto the pitch to photograph the game.

I think he was drunk.

NYNYNYjr May 18, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Birds? That's kind of lame. I spend my money on hot ladies. I just picture him drunk in a house full of parakeets with a corvette parked out front.

savethispatient May 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I'm all catawampus over this hullabaloo!

prommie May 18, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I thought this was argle-bargle, are you sure its hullabaloo? Now I am completely discombobulated.

Jus_Wonderin May 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Some might think me ludibrious, but your posts have caused me to kench which requires me to freck off to the breakroom to fetch a towel to clean my monitor.

prommie May 18, 2012 at 4:03 pm

It would be even better if you were lubricious, then there might be even more monitor-cleaning necessary.

FlownOver May 18, 2012 at 4:58 pm

All perfectly cromulent.

FlownOver May 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

This incident could – should, in fact – lead to a serious shortage of lightly salted poisoned rat dicks.

Schmannnity May 18, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Congress gets really ugly on Meth Mondays.

niblick77 May 18, 2012 at 3:40 pm

When is Ladies night? Oh, yeah, never, because, well, you know!

Ruhe May 18, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Blood-alcohol libel!…?

prommie May 18, 2012 at 4:04 pm

It is of the utmost importance to keep the blood level in your alcohol stream at a moderate level.

Not_So_Much May 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Girls, please, you're both pretty.

owhatever May 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm

They made nice later and split a few lines of coke in the cloakroom, saying ha-ha two nothings like us haz got our names in the innernets.

LesBontemps May 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I think this is also behavior, that I wonder if people have been out drinking tonight

Why does he say this like it's a bad thing?

V572 Is this him? May 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Thus the comity and collegiality of our national legislature grows, along with the richly deserved contempt of those the y "govern." Open carry on the House floor can't be too far away.

bureaucrap May 18, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I'm just asking an innocent question — is the honorable Representative Sessions from the great state of Texas a pile of horseshit wrapped in cow dung sprinkled with rattlesnake feces or not? It's just a point of inquiry.

Pragmatist2 May 18, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Hold it! We WANT our Congresspersons to drink on the job, right?

randcoolcatdaddy May 18, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Ah, for the good old days of Congress when they'd just settle their differences with fisticuffs and bashing each other over the heads with their canes. You know – like they do it in the Arizona legislature.

fuflans May 18, 2012 at 4:15 pm

i was drinking on wednesday because of congress too!

what a coincidence!!

Callyson May 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I wonder if Republicans have been out drinking tonight, or whether they are mad or angry or incapable of controlling themselves, and I would question that tonight…I don’t know what there is to apologize about

/fixed

Maman May 18, 2012 at 4:23 pm

The ridiculous part is that we, the taxpayers, have to pay someone to take down these fine words and print them in the congressional record.

Tundra Grifter May 18, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Guess I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue.

mull_man May 18, 2012 at 4:51 pm

re AltText – is Dick Lugar Cunt Revolver's brother?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 18, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Strangely enough, Congress worked better when everyone did drink. Which was what the founders did (Rum rations for the first Congress). Why is it that the Republican Party hates our founders so?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 18, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Come to think of it, wouldn't a lot more get done if they all would just share some herb before having hearings or going to the floor of Congress? Hell, the Constitution is on hemp? Why do Republicans hate our Constitution so?

ttommyunger May 18, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Whimper!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 18, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Loo: And who are they?
Dr. Klahn: Congressmen, found in waterfront bars.
Loo: Shanghaied?
Dr. Klahn: Just elected drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care.
Congressman #1: Where are we?
Congressman #2: I don't care!
Loo: And these?
Dr. Klahn: These are lost drunken congressmen who don't know where they are, but do care! And these are congresspeople who know where they are and care, but don't drink.
Congressman #3: I don't know who I am?
Congressman #4: And I don't drink!
Dr. Klahn: Guards! [to congressman] Do you care?
Congressman #5: No.
Dr. Klahn: Put this man in the Senate, and give him a drink.
Guard: What do you drink?
Congressman #5: I don't care.

sullivanst May 18, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Pete Sessions once again proves what an insufferable douche he is. These fucking guys today are really making the rulePete Session once again proves what an insufferable douche he is. These fucking guys today are really making the rules hard to follow.s hard to follow.

Antispandex May 18, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I miss the times when, if they had unkind words, they just whipped out a cane and beat the shit out of the other guy, or got a couple of pistols out. Say, since the Teapublicans want to take us back to "the good old days"….

anniegetyerfun May 18, 2012 at 5:32 pm

"Mr. Chairman I think we’ve gotten this, that Mr. McGovern is not happy. I think this is also behavior, that I wonder if people have been out drinking tonight, or whether they are mad or angry or incapable of controlling themselves, and I would question that tonight."

Now, THAT'S a sober sentence.

sbj1964 May 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

If I was in congress I would be stoned 24/7.To bad most of them are crushing Viagra,and shoving it up their asses inside a wet paper towel to get a buzz.

DashBarb Buddha May 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

"If the shoe fits."

Oh yeah…well, I'm rubber and you're glue!

DahBoner May 18, 2012 at 6:44 pm

a congressman accused another congressman of drinking a legal beverage

Sounds very similar to accusing the President of having a legal sexual relationship!

YER DOT COM BUBBLE TIME MACHINE SMELLZ LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

trampndirtdown May 18, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Did McGovern do something silly and inappropriate? ….. like handing out Tobacco checks on the floor of the House before a vote.

sullivanst May 19, 2012 at 1:49 am

Sadly, no. I am now though.

Guess I somehow managed to cut'n'paste the entire original comment into itself when I edited it to add the missing 's' and the end of Sessions. Either that or IntenseDebate fucked me over. Probably the former, but I'll be keeping an eye on ID just in case…

Buckminster May 19, 2012 at 5:53 am

Jumpin' Jebus on a pogo stick! I WAS hoping all this GOP nonsense was DUE to alcohol abuse.

Color me red-faced. They really are a bunch of ….oh who cares.

BenGleck May 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

How about a drug and alcohol testing regimine for Congress? Just like they do to welfare recipients.

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