legendary political scuffles

Meanwhile, In Congress, A Veritable Donnybrook Erupts Over Libations

Rumor is, Dick Lugar was conceived during thisOops, it’s Friday, better check in on our beloved 112th Congress to see if they did anything (please god, spare us) or even showed up this week. Good heavens… fisticuffs? “One congressman accused another of drinking on the job in the midst of a tense exchange Wednesday night over whether the House would debate an amendment aimed at bringing the war in Afghanistan to a close.” Yes, so, again, as that masterfully constructed Politico lede (WIN!) said: The issue was an amendment to end the war in Afghanistan. Within moments, a congressman accused another congressman of drinking a legal beverage. The war in Afghanistan continued. Steny Hoyer demanded an apology on the one congressman’s behalf. After that, the war in Afghanistan continued happening. And now it’s the weekend, woo-hoo!

Here’s the hot script from a Wednesday night in Congress that took place 11 years after we invaded Afghanistan:

“Mr. Chairman I think we’ve gotten this, that Mr. McGovern is not happy. I think this is also behavior, that I wonder if people have been out drinking tonight, or whether they are mad or angry or incapable of controlling themselves, and I would question that tonight,” Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, the chairman of the GOP’s campaign committee, said of Rep. Jim McGovern (D-Mass.) at a late-night meeting of the House Rules Committee.

“I take offense to that,” McGovern said, according to a transcript of the exchange. “I have an amendment to the rule Mr. Chairman and I would say to the gentleman that you know, there are some issues worth fighting over and for me, ending this war is one of them. And I’m sorry the gentleman doesn’t think that —- take that very seriously.”

Sessions shot back: “Simply asked a question. If the shoe fits.”

McGovern told POLITICO he had not been drinking and said Sessions called him Thursday morning. But in separate interviews, the two men differed over whether Sessions said he was sorry.

“He apologized,” McGovern said.

“I don’t know what there is to apologize about,” said Sessions, who denied that he had cast a stone at McGovern.

He did acknowledge talking to McGovern Thursday morning.

Asked whether he thought McGovern had been drinking, Sessions said “I haven’t seen the tape yet.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer spoke in defense of McGovern in a floor statement Thursday.

“I rise in deep disappointment at the treatment he was accorded last night. Unworthy of this body, unworthy of the Rules Committee and unworthy of the character and integrity of the gentleman from Massachusetts,” Hoyer, a Maryland Democrat said. “I’m pleased there has been an apology for that. But I did not want it to go unmentioned. This body is better than that, although at times it is not. And we all lament the fact when it is not.”

Wait, what is Jim McGovern’s excuse for not drinking before going on the House floor? We can’t have anyone getting hurt out there.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. Antispandex

      "I believe the question before the body is two fingers of Jameson's…opposed?"

  1. Come here a minute

    Typical weak-kneed McGovern Democrat.

    Oops, wrong McGovern, and century.

  2. emmelemm

    Yeah, honestly, I don't see how you could be a Congresscritter and NOT drink. Heavily.

  3. CapnFatback

    Asked whether he thought McGovern had been drinking, Sessions said “I haven’t seen the tape yet.”

    You mean that there's actual tape in Congress? Ooh, I bet it's red.

  4. MissTaken

    Wait! Are you saying they normally don't drink in Congress?? They act this way sober?!

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Drink, get stoned, shoot iguana saliva between their toes. What's the difference in the end?

    1. MissTaken

      They're in the kitchen making all the Congressmen doing their important work sandwiches.

  5. SorosBot

    "I wonder if people have been out drinking tonight"

    You mean besides Speaker Boehner?

  6. fartknocker

    Pete Sessions: "I haven't seen the tape yet."

    Geez these fuckers. They sound like Commander Hair Helmet yesterday saying "I'll say anything based on what I think is important at the time I say it." Bring in the circular firing squad.

  7. CapnFatback

    Sessions shot back: “Simply asked a question. If the shoe fits.”

    ". . . I will fuck the shit out of that shoe."

  8. coolhandnuke

    The issue was an amendment to end the war in Afghanistan–a country where alcohol is forbidden. Then, one big turd accused a smaller turd of drinking while on duty during the Afghani War debate.
    Gotta love happy hour in Foggy Bottom with these never ending war of turds.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Sessions is an asshole from Texas — if you lived in Texas, you wouldn't want to leave a place as relatively pleasant and unsullied as Afghanistan either.

    1. sharethegrief

      Sessions was the guy who missed his own swearing in (2011). He was at a fundraiser in D.C. that day and believed he could take the oath telepathically. His I.Q. hovers around 60 when the electricity is on.

  10. Fairtackle

    Huh, a repub trying to change the subject when called out on their BS. that is just plumb crazy.

  11. wonkettkinkster

    Uh, HELLO, McGovern's district is Worcester, MA. Anyone not drinking from Worcester is automatically docked two Worcester Points (good towards urban decay and gang violence credits for your own hometown!)

  12. SmutBoffin

    OH! And there's Michele Bachmann, tippin' back a prescription bottle full of "baby-farmer's little helpers". AND WHAT'S THIS?! Bernie Sanders, burning down a giant spliff in the back row? HUH? Who is that huddled under their desk, refreshing a paper bag with a quick shot of Krylon Metallic Gold before taking a deep pull? WHY IT'S ERIC CANTOR

  13. MissTaken

    I'll happily donate a case of wine to Congress if it will get us the fuck out of Afghanistan.

    100% Snark Free.

      1. MissTaken

        Shhh! Or all the Wonketterado will start showing up at my apartment looking for yummy Pinot!

        1. SorosBot

          OK, I'll quiet about your great – um, about your nothing at all; there's nothing to see here people.

    1. Ruhe

      Yes, it's telling isn't it. A Democrat offers an amendment advocating the end of a war and the Republican response is "you must be drinking". I'd say let the congresscritters drink all the alcohol they want if it will curb their unslakable thirst for blood.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I've have neither been to, nor fucked in, Afghanistan. When should I expect my wine to be delivered?

    3. horsedreamer_1

      "Wine alcoholics are the worst kind ok alcoholics".

      Really, that's all I remember from reading "On the Road".

  14. mrpuma2u

    I though most of them were drunk by noon, considering the legislation that makes it way out of there.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Who wants to read boring ass bills anyway? It's best to get drunk and start strippin' on the chamber floor. And there's always the possibility that Congress ladies might start making out with each other.

  15. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Congress really couldn't do any worse of a job, might as well try it drunk.

    1. SorosBot

      Better yet, let's slip them all some acid and see what trippy bills they come up with then.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      Herodotus said the Persians would only make an important decision if they thought it was a good idea both when they were drunk and when they were sober. I think this is a very wise process and Congress should adopt it for a trial year.

    1. DashBarb Buddha

      I'm unemployed. Plenty of time to drink…no money to buy it. I has a sad.

    1. salt_bagel

      "Pinch-faced Little Bowl of Lukewarm Fuck"

      I haven't had one of those since Spring Break '97. Man, the shit you can get people to drink with some Triple Sec and a half-offensive name..

    2. bikerlaureate

      I'd chide you for petty exaggeration, but (of course) I haven't seen the tape yet.

  16. LettucePrey

    "I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I wasted."
    – George Best

    1. sewollef

      Met him once.

      When he was at the end of his career at Manchester United and I was a fresh-faced kid, and trainee photo-journalist waiting to get onto the pitch to photograph the game.

      I think he was drunk.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      Birds? That's kind of lame. I spend my money on hot ladies. I just picture him drunk in a house full of parakeets with a corvette parked out front.

    1. prommie

      I thought this was argle-bargle, are you sure its hullabaloo? Now I am completely discombobulated.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Some might think me ludibrious, but your posts have caused me to kench which requires me to freck off to the breakroom to fetch a towel to clean my monitor.

        1. prommie

          It would be even better if you were lubricious, then there might be even more monitor-cleaning necessary.

    1. prommie

      It is of the utmost importance to keep the blood level in your alcohol stream at a moderate level.

  17. owhatever

    They made nice later and split a few lines of coke in the cloakroom, saying ha-ha two nothings like us haz got our names in the innernets.

  18. LesBontemps

    I think this is also behavior, that I wonder if people have been out drinking tonight

    Why does he say this like it's a bad thing?

  19. V572 Is this him?

    Thus the comity and collegiality of our national legislature grows, along with the richly deserved contempt of those the y "govern." Open carry on the House floor can't be too far away.

  20. bureaucrap

    I'm just asking an innocent question — is the honorable Representative Sessions from the great state of Texas a pile of horseshit wrapped in cow dung sprinkled with rattlesnake feces or not? It's just a point of inquiry.

  21. randcoolcatdaddy

    Ah, for the good old days of Congress when they'd just settle their differences with fisticuffs and bashing each other over the heads with their canes. You know – like they do it in the Arizona legislature.

  22. Callyson

    I wonder if Republicans have been out drinking tonight, or whether they are mad or angry or incapable of controlling themselves, and I would question that tonight…I don’t know what there is to apologize about


  23. Maman

    The ridiculous part is that we, the taxpayers, have to pay someone to take down these fine words and print them in the congressional record.

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Strangely enough, Congress worked better when everyone did drink. Which was what the founders did (Rum rations for the first Congress). Why is it that the Republican Party hates our founders so?

  25. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Come to think of it, wouldn't a lot more get done if they all would just share some herb before having hearings or going to the floor of Congress? Hell, the Constitution is on hemp? Why do Republicans hate our Constitution so?

  26. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Loo: And who are they?
    Dr. Klahn: Congressmen, found in waterfront bars.
    Loo: Shanghaied?
    Dr. Klahn: Just elected drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care.
    Congressman #1: Where are we?
    Congressman #2: I don't care!
    Loo: And these?
    Dr. Klahn: These are lost drunken congressmen who don't know where they are, but do care! And these are congresspeople who know where they are and care, but don't drink.
    Congressman #3: I don't know who I am?
    Congressman #4: And I don't drink!
    Dr. Klahn: Guards! [to congressman] Do you care?
    Congressman #5: No.
    Dr. Klahn: Put this man in the Senate, and give him a drink.
    Guard: What do you drink?
    Congressman #5: I don't care.

  27. sullivanst

    Pete Sessions once again proves what an insufferable douche he is. These fucking guys today are really making the rulePete Session once again proves what an insufferable douche he is. These fucking guys today are really making the rules hard to follow.s hard to follow.

  28. Antispandex

    I miss the times when, if they had unkind words, they just whipped out a cane and beat the shit out of the other guy, or got a couple of pistols out. Say, since the Teapublicans want to take us back to "the good old days"….

  29. anniegetyerfun

    "Mr. Chairman I think we’ve gotten this, that Mr. McGovern is not happy. I think this is also behavior, that I wonder if people have been out drinking tonight, or whether they are mad or angry or incapable of controlling themselves, and I would question that tonight."

    Now, THAT'S a sober sentence.

  30. sbj1964

    If I was in congress I would be stoned 24/7.To bad most of them are crushing Viagra,and shoving it up their asses inside a wet paper towel to get a buzz.

  31. DahBoner

    a congressman accused another congressman of drinking a legal beverage

    Sounds very similar to accusing the President of having a legal sexual relationship!


  32. sullivanst

    Sadly, no. I am now though.

    Guess I somehow managed to cut'n'paste the entire original comment into itself when I edited it to add the missing 's' and the end of Sessions. Either that or IntenseDebate fucked me over. Probably the former, but I'll be keeping an eye on ID just in case…

  33. Buckminster

    Jumpin' Jebus on a pogo stick! I WAS hoping all this GOP nonsense was DUE to alcohol abuse.

    Color me red-faced. They really are a bunch of ….oh who cares.

  34. BenGleck

    How about a drug and alcohol testing regimine for Congress? Just like they do to welfare recipients.

Comments are closed.