C-SPAN should really upgrade its House cameras to color one of these days.

The House of Representatives thrust 299 irate middle fingers into the air in response to military leaders’ claim that the United States does not need yet another missile interceptor site with a vote Friday in favor of authorizing $100 million to start planning for an East Coast missile defense system that U.S. Northern Command and North American Aerospace Defense Command General Charles Jacoby has spoken of with such ringing endorsements as, “Today’s threats do not require an East Coast missile field and we do not have plans to do so.” Yes, well. Either Congress will spend this money on plotting a multibillion-dollar dream force field against Iran’s imaginary long-range missile arsenal, or some silly children can have their dirty food stamps. “And no one wants that!” thundered all the puffy middle fingers in a voice filled with pique, meaning the food stamps.

So why does the House want this missile field so badly, since the Pentagon is already having fun building mammoth missile defense fields all over Europe, Israel, the Persian Gulf, the moon, et cetera? Let’s have a peek at some of the top secret intelligence they’re using to make national defense decisions:

[House Strategic Forces subcommittee chairman Rep. Michael] Turner cited Obama’s “hot mic” incident with in March with then-Russian President Dmitry Medvedev in claiming that Congress had to push forward on missile defense because the president was not.

Good reason! Barack Obama must be punished for quietly explaining to his Russian counterpart that Congress is too insane to allow him to work on arms reductions initiatives during an election year, shame on him.

What else made it into this defense authorization bill that a bipartisan majority passed 299-120? Let’s see… “The House ultimately supported current law that allows the government to indefinitely detain [terror] suspects” … “language that would limit [the president’s] ability to cooperate with Russia on nuclear weapons issues or reduce the nuclear stockpile” … “the bill requires a minimum of 68,000 troops in Afghanistan through 2014” … “an amendment that replaced the first year of the sequestration cuts — more than $50 billion to the defense budget — with discretionary cuts that were included in [Paul] Ryan’s budget” and on and on and on.

So nice of this House of Representatives — it’s almost like they thought you needed a pretext to start drinking on Friday afternoon. [The Hill]

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  • nounverb911

    Stick the system in the Hamptons and aim everything at Peter King.

    • Hacklebarney

      Can we somehow route this to Rep. Steve King in Iowa? I'd support that.

  • MissTaken

    “Today’s threats do not require an East Coast missile field and we do not have plans to do so.”

    Sounds like we're going to war with Nova Scotia!

  • nounverb911

    “the bill requires a minimum of 68,000 troops in Afghanistan through 2014″
    Only if Congress sends their kids first.

    • HogeyeGrex

      That bit sounds an awful lot like Congress steppin into an Executive role, but we know they wouldn't ever try to usurp the Presidential authority of teh Unitary Execumative. Now would they?

      • mormos

        i've wondered for a while, since Barry is the commander in chief, can't he forbid the military from spending money given to them by congress? If congress wants to allocate 80 trillion dollars for bombs, can't Barry say, nope, you guys are only allowed to spend 1 trillion on bombs, and then give the other 79 trillion back at the end of the quarter and tell congress to spend it on education or to go fuck themselves or both?

        • James Michael Curley

          Lets go to the Constitution:
          "To raise and support Armies, but no Appropriation of Money to that Use shall be for a longer Term than two Years;

          To provide and maintain a Navy;

          To make Rules for the Government and Regulation of the land and naval Forces;

          To provide for calling forth the Militia to execute the Laws of the Union, suppress Insurrections and repel Invasions;

          To provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining, the Militia, and for governing such Part of them as may be employed in the Service of the United States, reserving to the States respectively, the Appointment of the Officers, and the Authority of training the Militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress;

          The above section of Section 8, Article 1 of the constitution has been the traditional way in which the courts have determined that the President cannot 'sequester' appropriations approved by Congress for the military. A minor constitutional kerfuffle occurred n 1969 right after Nixon took office when he announced that he would sequester funds the military was required to spend for NATO. It did not last long and other then giving his peeps a taste of what they thought they voted for, settled the issue for a while.
          The Gramm-Rudman-Hollings Act in the mid 1980 sought to and effectively nullified the effectiveness of 'forward avails' when Reagan would test the concept by alleging that the funds he was refusing to pay would become part of 'forward available' budget spending.
          The Sequester Replacement Act passed by the House (with almost 300 votes) a few days ago nullifies the Budget reductions, as they affect defense spending, in the across the board spending cuts from the Budget Control Act (the 2011 agreement to rais the debt ceiling). Congress could not pass the monmouth defense budget they just passed without eliminating the Deficit Reduction Agreement from last year raising the debt ceiling. Naturally the Republicans are not restoring the cuts to Healthcare Act, Social Security, Food Stamps and other 'discretionary spending' cut to make the debt ceiling deal.

        • James Michael Curley

          For a shorter reply, the President cannot broadly sequester military appropriations and just a few days ago, the limited authority he had which had been worked out between Reagan and the Democratic Congress in the Gramm-Rudman-Hollings Act of 1985 was killed by Congress. The Presidents hands are now completely tied from having any effect on military spending.

  • PubOption

    In USA missile defense chooses East coast.

    • V572 Is this him?

      Oh don't worry, they've been building shit like crazy in AK for ten years. Damn thing doesn't work in actually shooting down "enemy" missiles, but it is very good at one thing: lining the pockets of contractors.

  • SorosBot

    Yay, now we on the East Coast would be defended from our possible attackers, like the Chitauri.

    • Baconzgood

      Don't forget Mermen. And I don't know about you, but that Sponge Bob looks kinda shifty to me.

      • MissTaken

        Never trust someone who lives in a pineapple under the sea.

        • prommie

          The squirrel, she is a traitor, she has betrayed the land-dwellers to reside unnaturally under the sea.

        • SorosBot

          But under the sea, they'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans, under the sea!

        • Ruhe

          It's Plankton you have to watch out for.

        • tessiee

          I thought Spongebob lived in a bikini bottom — in which case, he'd probably be too busy and too happy to attack anybody.

    • mormos

      now if only it could protect us from congress

    • MadBrahms

      You're telling me you aren't worried about the Deep Ones? If ever there were a time for Cthulu to rise and kill us all, this would be it.

      • tessiee

        *checks to make sure that cocktail sauce, lemon wedges, and tiny forks are at the ready*

  • Barry needz to give the House the Vulan treatment: a stinky vee-toe!

    • V572 Is this him?

      Search string which produced that, pleez…so that I may never, ever type it.

      • Got it using a new Firefox plug-in called PunDitz™. I think Mel Brooks bankrolled it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Michele Bachmann is seriously concerned that the east coast is vulnerable to the aliens living in the pyramid at the bottom of the ocean in the Bermuda Triangle.

  • fartknocker

    What we really need is a Missile defense system to protect the Gulf of America.

    In other news Raytheon and General Dynamics stock is up 4 points.

  • Baconzgood

    So they bitch about SSI losing money and being wastefull (Neither of which is true) then they spend 100M on army guys that the army think is a waste of money.

    I just want to stress when the army sais it's a waste of money it must be. The army doesn't give a second thought to having a 30 million dollar tank blow up.

    • sewollef

      Problem is, $100 million isn't going to buy much in the armaments supermarket.

      The fancy new F-22 Raptor fighter aircraft costs the military sorry, us taxpayers… $143 million each. That's each and every single plane.

      And pilots can't stand to fly the thing because of sporadic oxygen supply issues. As in the plane stops supplying it to the pilot at high altitudes. The pilots black out and, well, I can see a serious staying in the air problem with that scenario.

      I also think the plane was built by Skoda.

      • SigDeFlyinMonky


    • V572 Is this him?

      Whereas the Air Force is so afraid of their jobs being taken over by $1M/ea drones that they keep larding them up with larger and larger "payloads" and more gold-plated capabilities, when it'd be much cheaper to just launch another.

    • Steverino247

      Strictly speaking, the Army cares very much when a tank blows up. It's the Air Force and Navy crashing planes that seems to be "business as usual." I used to subscribe to an international aviation magazine. Every month they listed all military aircraft crash by type and circumstances. I could not believe how much money was being wasted on aluminum recycling every month!

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I was talking to an Iraqi vet who was telling me a story about how they buried a bulldozer because it was easier than try to explain to the brass why they had one two many.

  • JustPixelz

    When the topic was repeal of DADT, those same GO-Pee'ers were all "listen to the commanders". Now its something Zombie Reagan wants and they're all "shut up General Stupid Pants".

    If they could build it out of food stamps and social security payments, they would. OH WAIT! They are going to build it out of those things.

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Ahem… The Duty Officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact that he *had* issued the go code, and he said, uh, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in, and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. Uh, my boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now, uhuh. Uh, so let's get going, there's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural… fluids. God bless you all" and he hung up.

    Uh, we're, still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.

    [Sorry, prolly shoulda waited for Wile. E Quixote to do that one]

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.

  • metamarcisf

    In Soviet Russia, leaders use missiles to scare USA. In USA, missiles use Russia to scare leader!

  • HogeyeGrex

    That "East Coast missile field" wouldn't happen to be sited in a Republican district, would it?

  • spends2much

    Why would they want to protect the east coast from anything? Surely someone in the Koch empire is working on a system that would shield Real America from nukes, the way it is currently shielded from facts, reality, and common sense.

    • And the dinosaurs… Davey loves him some dinosaurs.

  • LastGasp

    From Dwight D. Eisenhower's Military/Industrial Complex Speech:
    In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

    I bet Ike could never imagine that one day there would exist what can only be called a Right-wing/Industrial complex.

    • vodkamuppet

      Even the military thinks the MIC is a waste. Up is the new down and down is the new up in these strange times. Anthropologically it's interesting to watch but as a non willing bystander, it's fucking Terrifying. I'm way more afraid of congress than Al Qaida.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Ike would, by today's standards, be considered a fucking hippie. He'd be starring opposite Joe The Plumber in a political ad.

      • vodkamuppet

        "Ike was a bitch, waiting until the 6th just because of some rain. Punk ass shoulda said go on the 5th, FAG!!!!!"

    • HistoriBarb

      Ike originally had it as the "Military Industrial Congressional Complex" but was persuaded that this would be too inflamatory.

  • Baconzgood

    C'mon really, if you bombed South Boston you wouldn't be able to notice the difference.

    • mormos

      and if we nuked DC we wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the irradiated mutants and congress

      • tessiee

        if they're stumbling around in search of BRAAAAIIIINNNNZZ, they're probably not mutants.

  • gullywompr

    Hey GOP, you signed off during the last shutdown-showdown that if the supercommitte failed, that the defense budget would be cut, and all your little red states with their cushy defense contracts and military bases would suffer. No lame attempt to show that defense spending needs to increased is going to get you out of it. Deal.

    • mormos

      no they got out of that by slashing federal programs instead.

      • gullywompr

        You're right. I missed this morning's House vote where they tried to make defense sequestration vanish into thin air. But they're forgetting something: Barry has a pen.

  • edgydrifter

    What the fuck are we trying so hard to protect anyway? We blow. Or maybe that's it–the great Republican strategy is to make this country such an uninviting shithole that nobody wants whatever it is we've still supposedly got. Thanks for squelching my nationalism-boner just before the Olympics.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    My God, will someone get these people in Congress some valium? Sheesh….

    • AncienReggie

      Mere valium ain't gonna cut it. Those people need full-on antipsycotics … say, maybe Zotepine. Or Thorazine at least.

  • Blueb4sunrise


    Dear Gen. Jacoby,
    Since you have $100 mil to spend and have no need for it, we at Wonkette will apply as contractors to develop the plan that you don't need, and for which not-plan we are eminently qualified in not-providing.


  • If North Korea can figure out how to make a nuclear bomb that works and figure out how to make a missile that works and develop a missile that can be launched from a submarine and build a submarine, this will come in handy.

    • prommie

      We must not allow the potential to develop for the possibility of a slight decrease in our overwhelming superiority!

      • tessiee

        If we can only blow up the world 10 times instead of 100 times, what about the troops?
        *clutches pearls*

    • OldWhiteLies

      Wouldn't they also have to figure out how to get that same said submarine covertly through the Panama Canal for a a missile defense system on the EAST coast to be of any value?

      Course maybe they haven't figured out how to use the directions feature of Google maps to get that shortest route.

      • SorosBot

        Considering what global warming is doing to the Arctic ice cap, the Panama Canal won't be needed for too much longer, at least not during the summer.

        • OldWhiteLies

          Indeed. Point taken. Glorious Submarine 1 – to the NW passage.

          But I have to tell you that picturing them trying to traverse their sub through the Great Lakes has me grinning, thinking about a goofy movie plot …

          The Gloriouses are Coming, The Gloriouses are Coming

      • OK, but first they'll need to buy a computer that can run a web browser.

    • criminogenic

      ..also should they buy and process sufficient Uranium to counter our arsenal then such a shield will be real handy also I hear they are on the verge of moving beyond dial-up! plus…one should never under estimate the power of the Amiga 1200, it has many untapped capabilities.

  • Wait till Congress gets the bill for a missile defense system that actually hits something.

  • Callyson

    But we need that East Coast missile defense system so we can look into Putin's soul.

  • They also passed an amendment to paint the missiles with some really cool pinstripes and flames 'n' stuff for an additional $30 million.

    Assholes. Stupid, dangerous, profligate assholes.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Pinstripes, eh? I was wondering what they were going to do with the old Yankee Stadium site.

  • Chichikovovich

    “the bill requires a minimum of 68,000 troops in Afghanistan through 2014″

    Well, the Republicans in Congress are doing what it feels is best for the nation. The administration will just need to send a letter to every one of those 68,000 soldiers telling them that thanks to the Republicans' patriotism and respect for the heroic sacrifices of our fighting men and women, those soldiers'll just have to stay in that parched desert surrounded by "allies" who detest them for 12 months or more longer than they had been told to expect.

  • bikerlaureate

    Well, it's not like anyone really wanted to eliminate indefinite detention, reduce the nuclear stockpile, get further out of Afghanistan or pare down the defense budget.

    My head hurts.

  • What does the military know about weaponry… sheesh

  • BarackMyWorld


  • prommie

    I'm hoping to deploy my missile on the east coast this weekend . . . .

    • Generation[redacted]

      be sure to use a defense!

      • Doktor StrangeZoom

        And don't overdo it on the frozen daquiris, or you could accidentally deploy ICBMs

  • KBJ are you sure that you didn't pick-up a typo in your post? This sounds like it may truly be a move by God's dogs to put in a missal defense system to guard against Hopey's change bringing abortionplexs, mosques, and #occupy massage parlors to every street corner in the Northeast?

  • fuflans

    i can't wait til the batshit gets control of the senate as well.


  • Ruhe

    If the missile field is to be located on the East Coast that must mean that the Hobos have concentrated their "dirt rocket" research and development somewhere along the Eastern seaboard, perhaps in the Canadian portion.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    For the love of god, aim that thing at Belgium BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!

    • sewollef

      Good god man…. not Belgium. What about the beer!

      What can you be thinking???

      Let's point all those missiles at the Cayman Islands, or where ever else all those assholes have stashed their offshore loot.

      • Generation[redacted]

        CLASS WARFARE!!!1!… ummm… literally.

    • criminogenic

      I never trust a people named after Mucus.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    We have always been at war with someone in that general direction.

    • prommie

      Those fucking bastards!

  • prommie

    Remember the golden rule of government spending: If its not worth doing, then its not worth doing it right.

    • Chichikovovich

      If it has no purpose to begin with, then it won't defeat its purpose to spread it out over 30 congressional districts.

      • prommie

        But could these missiles perhaps reach Arizona?

  • Ruhe

    Citing Obama-open-mic-gate. Sweet strategy. Combine that with the power point that featured clips from Independence Day and MIB and how could anyone not be convinced?

  • CrunchyKnee

    Needz moar tax cuts for the jerbs creators.

  • fuflans

    this has been one of those days on wonkette that makes me go to lolcats or surisburnbook or the nearest bar.

    is ghost ken here?

    • anniegetyerfun

      He's here in spirit.

    • tessiee


      I don't know what that is, but it sounds like Tom Cruise's kid (or Katie Holmes' kid, anyway, who knows who the father is) has a book of burns. I don't like one single thing about that.

      • George Spelvin

        I think it's only named after Suri.

        It's the toobz, you know?

        • fuflans

          nah it's a funny blog.

      • fuflans

        yup that's exactly what it is. suri cruise looking down on everybody in her life – including and esp tom cruise, katie holmes and the jolie pitt kids.

        it's some fine writing and fine snark.

        (one assumes it is not actually written by suri cruise.)

        • tessiee

          "suri cruise looking down on everybody in her life – including and esp tom cruise, katie holmes and the jolie pitt kids."

          While I can understand that it must be difficult to resist such an easy temptation as changing "Shiloh Pitt" to "Pile O' Shit", people whose alleged fathers are crazy closet cases aren't entitled to make fun of other families.

  • Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    New rule: Republicans must prove that all dollars they vote on, must never come from government coffers, ever. Starve the alleged pig.

  • Ruhe

    Okay, so I guess you gotta be optimistic and assume that the anti-missile missiles will actually work but even if they do work at some reasonable rate (which would be what? I don't know) by placing the missile field on the very densely populated East Coast aren't you telling the as yet unidentified threatening foreign power, "hey, be sure to strike hear first"? Will the missiles on the field be arrayed in the form of a target? I thought the idea was that we wanted hostile nations with ICBM technology to always have to shoot at Wyoming first…and not just because of Dick Cheney.

    • George Spelvin

      Sorry, you lost me with the first sentence. Such an overdose of optimism does not exist.

      Seriously, these Congressclowns don't know, or care to know, if a missile defense is plausible. This is just welfare for defense contractors.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Economic stimulus, GOP-style!

  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Gentlemen, you can't fight here! This is the Limitless Appropriations Room!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    East Coast missile defense system that U.S. Northern Command and North American Aerospace Defense Command General Charles Jacoby has spoken of with such ringing endorsements as, “Today’s threats do not require an East Coast missile field and we do not have plans to do so.”

    But has he considered the existential threat to this country that is France? Hell, we barely kept one French speaking loser out of the white house, and now we have another one running? Won't someone think of the children!!!

  • MissTaken

    This is what Austerity® smells like.

  • ttommyunger

    Iss not about defense, iss not about the military, iss all about the moneez!

  • iburl

    Obviously, since there is no reason on Earth to flush this money into the toilet-like pockets of the Military-Industrial complex, the Congress and Pentagon must be in a conspiracy to create an Earth defense shield to protect us from the lizard men from the Asteroid Belt, but we're not cleared for that. Remember, Congressmen are very important people and always know what is best for us.

  • Generation[redacted]

    This program should really be left to the individual states.

  • Gentlemen – we must not allow an imaginary missile defense system gap!

  • southernbeale

    So I guess we're not worried about the budget deficit any longer, right? RIGHT?! Whew what a relief!

  • iburl

    As somebody who does not reside on the East Coast and also does not believe in wasting enormous sums of money for no good reason, I'm struggling with how not to take this as a giant "Fuck You!"

  • Antispandex

    You know, since Barry is the demander in chief, he can just refuse to allow HIS military to cooperate in the waste of shit he doesn't need. I mean he CAN order the Joint Chiefs around, and there is nothing congress can do about it. I think that's even in the Holy Constitution…or something.

    • prommie

      Unitary executive for the win!

  • Dudleydidwrong

    “the bill requires a minimum of 68,000 troops in Afghanistan through 2014"

    Boy Scout troops. Girl Scout troops. Cub Scout troops (well, they are packs but they count as troops). Brownie troops. Sea scout troops. All these troops are being sent to Afghanistan? What does the Republican party have against America's children?

    If all those Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts go to Afghanistan, I'll bet there will be a need for some birth control devices. Or is that your plan, House of Representatives scum?

  • Lucidamente1

    Today’s threats do not require an East Coast missile field and we do not have plans to do so.

    And people question Senator McCarthy for investigating the army.

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    Deploy it only if the system passes the "strapped down chicken test" when the chicken is replaced with Rep. Turner (R).

  • Nostrildamus

  • MadBrahms

    Well, someone needs to protect us from the awful service you get on Aeroflot.

  • Slim_Pickins

    So this is what is meant by civilian control of the military. I think The FF's had adult civilian control n mind.

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    Maybe they know that the missiles must be built now before the vital stockpile of Imipolex G is depleted.

  • Beowoof

    I am okay with this as long as the Koch's and their rich pals get the bill.

  • sbj1964

    All the government has to do is claim your a Terrorist,and you disappear.Well that's nice?

  • DahBoner

    But really, how does this bill allow a gum'mint beauracrat to stick his head up a lady's hoo-haw???


  • unclejeems

    Um, this is what we get for looking the other way in 2010. I know, I know–WE didn't. But we did.

    • George Spelvin

      Very sadly, very true. I'm 64, and I've voted in every election (including primaries and those oddball local ones that crop up) since I was 21. And during that whole time, the results of the fucking elections have never been due to my vote, but to how many people of what opinion can be bothered to go to to the polling place or mail in their fucking ballot.

      There are times when I think the "Starship Troopers" approach might be worth trying. Not because of the military experience, but because if people had to qualify to vote by spending some time doing something they'd really rather not do, they might just take the voting thing more seriously.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    I for one am tired of the Republican party trying to shove their socialistic, Kenyan, Marxist, single-payer missile defense system down our throats. When will they stop crushing private-sector innovation with badly thought-out government initiatives and let the free-market provide a missile defense solution.

  • tessiee

    "The House of Representatives thrust 299 irate middle fingers into the air in response to military leaders’ claim that the United States does not need yet another missile interceptor site"

    "Oh, YEAH?? Well, you're gonna get another whatchamacallit whether you want one or not, because SHUT UP, THAT'S WHY!!"

  • tessiee

    Really? A missile base on the East Coast? They must have misread the text and though it involved firing missiles AT the East Coast.

  • CivicHoliday

    Using biodiesel to power our navy is too expensive, so we will pass a bill forbidding it. Building a pointless missile defense system that will cost 40 times as much is essential, so we will pass a bill demanding it. The logic, it burns…

  • JackObin

    The biggest threat to this deranged nation is the fat, stupid "citizenry". Fire missiles at them and they'll be eaten, or turned into a reality tv show.

  • owhatever

    Rave against the budget then vote to spend a hundred million dollars on something we don't need. Today's Republican.

  • Negropolis

    Please, they voted for this because of the military-industrial complex. Really. This is all about money.

  • Negropolis

    Ah, yes. The Part of Daddy Knows Best.

  • A hundred million???!!! Shit, that's almost enough to fix Wrigley Field. see

  • redarmyzombie

    Somewhere, somehow, there's a Freudian Motif hiding behind all this…

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