john mccain will fix this

Obama May Not Make The Arizona Ballot For Usual Stupid Arizona Reasons

Leading Republican candidate for AZ GovYour Wonkette is going to write a fun sentence and it is going to be true. Arizona’s Secretary of State has threatened not to put President of the United States of America Barack Obama on the ballot this fall because (a) he had a persuasive chit-chat with World Net Daily arch-grifter Jerome Corsi and (b) “he got more than 1,200 emails” demanding he look into the president’s birth certificate after Joe Arpaio’s “investigation” came out. This is the current power system in Arizona, folks. This is how things are done now. We’re tempted to declare the devolution complete and finally throw that big State of Nature parade in the blood-soaked hellscape streets of outer Phoenix, but maybe it’s too soon. They’ll do something dumber, eventually. They always do. Christ, Arizona. Stop hitting yourself.

So this Secretary of State wants to be governor in 2014. Meaning, he’s doing this because he thinks it is a good political move, instead of totally and utterly humiliating. How horrible and funny will the 2014 Arizona Republican primary for governor be? We’re betting that even this Secretary of State, who is executing the most comically juvenile white nationalist pander we’ve ever seen, will probably end up on the left flank of the debate:

The man in charge of running Arizona’s elections has gone to the birthers. Secretary of State Ken Bennett now says he’s not convinced Barack Obama was really born in the United States and so he is threatening to keep the president off the ballot in November.

Bennett’s comments came in an interview late Thursday with conservative radio talk show host Mike Broomhead on Phoenix station KFYI.

Bennett said he was following the lead of the state’s eccentric Sheriff Joe Arpaio, a fellow Republican who ordered an investigation into the president’s birth certificate last year and concluded the document released by the White House is a forgery. Bennett said he is now trying to get verification from state officials in Hawaii that the certificate is authentic.

In doing so, Bennett caved to a fringe group of activists and writers who believe in a conspiracy theory that just never seems to die no matter how much proof they get. Hawaiian officials have said time and again that Obama was born there in 1961, yet the theory persists.

Bennett, the state’s No. 2 elected official just below Gov. Jan Brewer (R), said his investigation isn’t personal. He said the reason he started looking into it is because he got more than 1,200 emails asking him to do so after Arpaio’s investigation came out.


(Not too bright either!)


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Barb

    What a bunch of assholes they are in Arizona. I hope they all get knocked to the ground and the sun cooks them to death.

    1. Callyson

      I wish the Grand Canyon would open up wider and swallow the whole state up. Giving just enough warning for my friends who unfortunately still live there to GTFO already…

    2. VulcanHasNoMoon

      I hate to tell you but the people who vote for these assholes are from the east coast and midwest. They're your parents and grandparents who moved to Arizona to die because Florida was too expensive.

    1. boobookitteh

      And the Painted desert and Petrified Forest. Arizona is pretty. We should just drive the snakes out and reclaim it.

      1. carolinaswamp

        On the other hand, there is also the Baja Arizona movement, a long-running movement for the saner southern part of the state to secede. When you come down to it, if you just took Maricopa and Pinal counties and built a really big fence around them and refused to let them vote in national or state elections, the problem would be solved. There would still be a contingent around lovely towns like Snowflake that are questionable, but they would be outnumbered.

        1. Infrogmation

          Kudos. I think you've solved it.

          While we're at it, I believe Louisiana would have a decent chance of getting its act together if we removed all the Parishes carried by David Duke in '91.

    2. CleverSobriquet

      Bulldoze the rest of the state into the grand canyon and cover it over. Still a net win

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm thinking 1200 emails complaining about how Sheriff Joe assrapes underage Mexican prisoners daily would be more fun.

      1. DonnyKerabotsos

        I wouldn't be surprised to discover that Joe had the inmates in his tent-city, pink panty prison send those emails in exchange for extra beans at dinner and a cigarette to smoke after.

    1. Chichikovovich

      True. It can be even worse in South Florida on those heavy, moronic days when you have liquid stupid dripping off your forehead and soaking your shirt.

  2. Reginald_Perrin

    "He said the reason he started looking into it is because he got more than 1,200 emails asking him to do so after Arpaio’s investigation came out."

    Could we get 1200 people to email this moron and tell him to dive head first into the Grand Canyon while holding hands with Sheriff Joe?

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Arizona law stipulates that if 1200 people e-mail the Secretary of State to go jump in a well he has to do it.

  3. freakishlywrong

    But it's not "personal". No, not at all. The hatred and vitriol directed toward Barry is unprecedented and no, fuck no, both sides do not act like this.

    1. Chichikovovich

      The hatred and vitriol directed toward Barry is unprecedented

      Not unprecedented. The way the hatred and vitriol is manifesting is new – certainly the blatant racism – but it was this way for Bill Clinton too. Remember, Clinton was accused of having a close friend killed, and congressfools were shooting pumpkins in their backyards to "investigate" Foster's death. He was accused of smuggling cocaine through an airport in Arkansas. I could go on.

      The next time we see another Democratic president it will be vicious for him/her all over again. If it is a woman, the vitriol will be sexist. If it is again a white with poor origins like Bill they will again caricature him as a yokel with no class. If it is a rich establishment white, they will portray him as a snob who has contempt for the poor. But whatever the hook, in each case it will be blind, irrational hatred whipped up by well-supported, coordinated groups as part of an effort to make it impossible for any Democrat to govern.

    2. Pithaughn

      well we did go after shrubs "military service" in way that could be described as viscious. But of course his racial background was not a motivating factor, it was lying background.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Hey, at least that horrendous ball of nuclear fire can be beaten with sunscreen, shade, and air conditioning.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    In other important Arizona news, Mr. Bennett has advised all citizens to get ready to bang on their pots and pans, fire shotguns into the air and honk their horns loudly on Sunday, as a dragon will be eating the sun and only concerted action will scare it away.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      From your link's "Viewing Tips":

      Do not look at the eclipse with the naked eye or with a camera or telescope without a solar filter.

      I just experienced a wee blip of worry, or sorry, for the foolhardier of Arizona's blinking-eye sector of the viewing public. But it, like many partial/full eclipses, only lasted for a matter of seconds.

    2. Pithaughn

      Oh way to get me started on the weekend drinking my friend, that bonnie lass at the Whiskeytown National Recreation Area, now I'll drink to that!

  5. Generation[redacted]

    KFYI? Seriously? I'd rather listen to their competitor stations, KOMG and KWTF

  6. MissTaken

    The 1200 emails telling me how to increase *my* penis size are more accurate than any of the emails to Bennett.

  7. Tundra Grifter

    The state of Arizona is the sad, sad teenager who won't stop cutting and hurting herself.

    It just breaks your heart that she must do this to feel anything at all. Pain is water in the emotional desert.

    Worst of all, what is a parent to do?

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Professional theraphy can certainly help. But at a certain point is does require residence at a 24/7 facility. It's a very difficult decision to make – although somewhat easier when the alternatives are fully factored in.

    1. VulcanHasNoMoon

      No Arizona is a crowd of of people which consists of an 85-year-old Alzheimer's patient from Michigan, their housekeeper and gardner and cook, and their college age grandchild who came to party at Football U. Only the Alzheimer's patient votes.

  8. BornInATrailer

    Arizona really has gone above and beyond over the past couple years. I think the contests between the North Carolinas and Alabamas of our Union is officially over runner-up now. The crown has been earned.

    Gratz, AZ.

    1. carolinaswamp

      Don't forget us in South Carolina! We work at this full time. Take, for example, the current fandango in which more than 150 candidates in the primary elections were disqualified for failing to read and follow the law on how to file as candidates. That alone should give us points, but the Governor accusing the State Elections Commission of being a government bureaucracy standing in the way of a free and fair elections (because they read and followed the law) is a great followup. And then a staffer for the Democratic Party, afraid of being left out, tweeted about the governor being a "Sikh Jesus" who raised unlawful campaigns from the dead. Really — how could you leave us out of the running?

      1. criticaldsj

        I've been to South Carolina and have one parent that lives there.

        Outside of Charleston, none of you work full time at anything.

      1. VulcanHasNoMoon

        Hate to burst your bubble, but most of the white immigrants in Arizona are retirees from the Midwest and North East Coast. Not the south. They come to Arizona to die because they can't afford Florida.

  9. sullivanst

    If 1,200 of us emailed him expressing our doubts that he would be killed if he jumped into the Grand Canyon without parachute or rope, so could he please attempt the jump to test our doubts, would he jump?

  10. TootsStansbury

    This business was fun to laugh at for a while because, stoopid! Now it is starting to piss me the hell off.

  11. WhatTheHeck

    They are right. Obama cannot be on the ballot for the one valid reason that Arizona is not part of these United states.

  12. Schmannnity

    Radio talk show host Mike Broomhead? Is he in drive time after the Vivian Vacuummouth show?

  13. ibwilliamsi

    AZ takes in $1.19 from the fed for each $1.00 they send to the fed. Can we ask them to leave now?

  14. sewollef

    I'm becoming more and more convinced that the result in 1865 was a huge mistake. Yes, the North won… but at what cost?

    The south has been a net recipient of federal funds since that time. Moreover, the top federal-money receiving states, are New Mexico, Kentucky, Virginia, Montana, Alabama, North Dakota, West Virginia, Mississippi and Alaska, which received $1.60 to $1.89 back for each tax dollar.

    The list of top net losers — colour me shocked [not] — are all blue: California, Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Hampshire, New York, Washington, Wisconsin and New Jersey, where the federal government spends just $.57 for every dollar it collects.

    How much longer do we have to bale out these cretins? Grr.

  15. mavenmaven

    Just declare AZ as a large nursing home (which it more or less is) and take away the entire states competency for reasons of senility and danger to self.

  16. metamarcisf

    My friend from Phoenix called me last night. He introduced me to Sheriff Joe in 1999 when he was at a table at a deserted mall signing his book. I'm like, "what the fuck." My friend Joseph said he'd have a talk with the Sheriff and try and straighten him out. So it's all good.

  17. MissTaken

    He said the reason he started looking into it is because he got more than 1,200 emails asking him to do so after Arpaio’s investigation came out

    I call bullshit. There cannot possibly be 1,200 people in Arizona who know how to use and send email.

    1. LesBontemps

      He said he got 1200 emails, but not that they were from different people. I'm betting at least 1100 of them came from Joe The Sheriff.

    2. pepperpat

      I think they were really only 600 emails sent from his own office with the wrong address that bounced back.

    3. Pithaughn

      Oh sure there are. You can tell who they are because they have a bruised forehead from palming the forehead repeatedly.

    4. HistoriBarb

      I'm sure there are 1200 old people in Arizona who managed to Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: the same email in between sending cutesy-poo animal pictures and "forward this email for good luck" messages.

    1. V572 Is this him?

      Does she still have a house there? Probably even she can't remember. She does have a coupla condos in Coronado, CA, near San Diego. Can't imagine why she'd want to sit in 117-degree head when she could be here.

  18. anniegetyerfun

    OK, Wonkette Arizonans. It's time to leave, because we're going to have to start carpet-bombing your state. Please pack up and go somewhere safe.

    1. josemedinajr

      Can I sleep on your couch?

      Joe took my furniture for being too "Messican" and also wondered if I was smuggling drugs while buying my furniture there. :(.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Absolutely! We have plenty of room now, and most people seem to think that my husband is Mexican, so you should fit right in.

    1. Designer_Rants

      They would be so angry that instead of the rest of the country sinking down to their level, like they always expected, we all just dumped their asses into the Brown Peoples' Land Beyond The Dang Fence.

  19. HobbesEvilTwin

    "eccentric"? Joe Arpaio?

    Eccentric is mowing your lawn in your pajamas. Sheriff Joe is batshit fucking insane.

  20. sewollef

    Syria's a little busy and can't come to the phone right now. They still have a couple of million or so citizens it wants to murder with their tanks and helicopter gunships while NATO watches.

    But I'll be sure to pass the message along.

  21. anniegetyerfun

    Wait a sec. Does this mean that Jan "Tanning Mom" Brewer isn't going to run for office again? Or that this Secretary of State is going to challenge her by being MORE crazy?

  22. Dildeaux

    Imagine the sunguine gop leadership is not pleased with this turn of events. This may force mittbot to take a stand against birferism, which hurts his cred wit da rabid rabble base.

  23. Chow Yun Flat

    On Thursday, Bennett said he sent his request to Hawaii officials eight weeks ago but has yet to get the proof he was hoping for. He said he didn’t want another copy of the birth certificate. He wants Hawaii to give him what he described as “a verification in lieu of a certified copy of a birth certificate.”

    In other words give me an official Hawaiian state document that must be created for me and me alone because I don't like the official state documents that already exist.

    No wonder his request keep getting put at the bottom of the stack in the Aloha State.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wouldn't it be great if the official reply, on official state stationery, with every seal, signature, and attached ribbon available, was

      Dear Arizona:
      Fuck you, and stop being idiots!

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I gave Takai the thumbs up for that one. He's in a both gay and interracial marriage! Two-fer!

      1. sewollef

        Just two. And they were generally called 'War Relocation Camps'.

        One was at Gila River and the other at Poston…. both however, were named "Relocation Centers". Your description fits better.

        There were many other camps, known as, Civilian Assembly Centers for the forceably removed Japanese-Americans though.

        One of America's dirty little secrets.

        In the UK, after the outbreak of WWII, we detained hardly any Germans. There were restrictions the German-born UK citizens had to suffer though.

        They were not allowed to live near the coast. Seriously. That was pretty much it.

        There was plenty of knee-jerk hatred however, particularly after the continuous night-time luftwaffe bombardment (that went on for month after month) mostly on working class areas of cities.

          1. sewollef

            Right, agreed.

            I think what I was clumsily trying to say was, the axis nation our respective countries seemed to have that initial burst of hatred for was the Japanese for the US and the Germans for the Brits.

          2. HistoriBarb

            I'm sure the Brits would have been happy to intern Japanese residents of Great Britain!

    2. VulcanHasNoMoon

      It was also home to POW camps in WWII at that time mainly because it was and is in the arse end of nowhere. One memorable event was when a group of Nazis escaped and planned on rowing a homemade boat to freedom. The plan went arwy mainly because Arizona's rivers are largely seasonal and only have water during the rainy season (all three days of it). The search party found them on the edge of Salt River group, canoe in hand, peering into the empty river with a look of abject woe on their faces. Later on they claimed they were totally in on the "joke" but nobody believed them.

  24. Naked_Bunny

    Oh, I'm sure the Supreme Court can force Arizona to add Obama's name using the same federal power they pulled out of their asses to force Florida to stop counting ballots.

  25. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    1150 of those emails came from AOL accounts.

    Full disclosure: I did love that "you've got mail!" back in 1998 or so.

    1. prommie

      OK, I have to confess, I still have my aol email account, and I still surf the web through aol, at home, on my oldest computer, the "garage computer." Funny thing is, I have gone through 2 newer laptops, both were crippled by viruses. But the aol computer, never no viruses, ever. Coincidence?

  26. Generation[redacted]

    For constitutional reasons, Obama's name on the ballot will be replaced by Joe the Plumber.

  27. Designer_Rants

    I suppose when you screwed everything else up in your state with your incompetence, from ownership of state properties to your justice system, why not make a big racist stink? That oughtta distract the mouth breathers for a few months.

  28. JackDempsey1

    If I understand the "decision tree" you outlined here, Jim, it looks to me like there's not a single person who understands the healing power of crystals, which is a powerful interest in AZ.

  29. stopncbigots

    Justice Department investigating Bennett and Brewer on corruption charges in 3…2….

  30. chicken_thief

    Sorry, snark free, but does anyone know if this goober has the power to do what he indicates he may do? That is, I thought each state had a set of requirements candidates had to meet prior to being put on the ballot. The National committees (DNC, RNC, and whatevs for the 3rd Parties) were responsible for ensuring that qualifications were met and passing that certification on to the states in the form that the states require it.

    Therefore, the DNC certifies Obama. The DNC then provides that certification to AZ in the form that AZ requests it, which is already a matter of policy.

    I suppose AZ could change their requirements, but even then, would they have the power to override the certification of the DNC?

    Or do I have this all wrong?!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      They can probably change the rules, but the rules would have to apply to Obama and Romney equally. Whatever Romney can provide, Obama can match, so it's all a just a load of horseshit — but the knuckle-draggers thrive on the stuff.

  31. Chichikovovich

    Ah for the good old days when Arizona governors just called African Americans "pickaninnys".

  32. OkieDokieDog

    I hope OK Atty Gen Scott Pruitt doesn't hear about this, or only Randall Terry (Dickwad) will be on the ballot.

    Btw, my Rep John Sullivan has been running campaign ads to repeal Obamacare. That's it. Nothing else. Just that he's an OKIE who can get into Obama's face.

  33. James Michael Curley

    Although I have more important things to do than follow everything some sun baked graduate of the Liberty University School of Law claims is legal reasoning: (Oh! look! That squirrel is going up the dogwood again.) a few months ago, AZ statues did not require a candidate to provide a birth certificate to be on the general election ballot as President. Furthermore, the statue requires the candidate to be on the ballot when in the party process, his certification process through the Arizona Democratic Primary process has been completed. Therefore other than the obvious show boating for a bunch of radical right wing nuts who may give this Attorney General Hemorrhoid a few more votes in 2014; the process whereby Obama will be on the November ballot has been completed short of filing a few more documents; NONE OF WHICH IS A BIRTH CERTIFICATE

    Furthermore – if they make attempts to prevent Obama from being on the ballot based on some bogus birth certificate issue; guess who else does not get on the ballot based on his own admission he has no birth certificate? Are we seeing a pattern as to why the attempt by the AZ legislature to create a 'birth certificate' requirement withered and died?

  34. CivicHoliday

    In Arizona, the only acceptable black is one you get from years spent in the blinding sun until your face is a leathery saddlebag

  35. CommieLibunatic

    It's too bad there's a near-zero chance of this state being flooded out of existence.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Never mind the SUVs and pickups they insist on driving at 80 mph — they'll be screaming about the price of a gallon of water soon enough.

        I take great satisfaction in the fact that the oceans and atmosphere don't give a shit what the teabaggers believe.

  36. bbrewe01

    I think the right-wing officials in my state (don't hate me) are afraid that Obama might be able to get enough minority and women votes to take Arizona, which is surprisingly close (toss-up).

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Needz moar profiling!!!

      Arizona law, requiring poll workers to ID voters that they "suspect" might be furriners, coming up in 3, 2, 1…

  37. owhatever

    South Carolina is being pushed hard to respond with something even nuttier. They won't give up easily.

  38. prommie

    I really had to stop and think about this shit. Now realistically, this is just some rabble-rousing, shit-stirring by a walking shitstain of a politician, who has no intention of actually trying to personally and unilaterally and baselessly interfere with a presidential election in a way that could have a real impact. But, just supposing he is actually crazy enough to do it, I really had to think about what would be the appropriate response, what should be done. It took a while, but finally, I realized that the solution is pretty simple.

    If Arizona persists in this dumbfuckery, the response is: kill it with fire.

  39. GeorgiaBurning

    Somewhere in hell, General Santa Anna is laughing. You wanted this place, gringo!

  40. gullywompr

    Like it matters. Those ten dinky electoral college votes are always red anyway.

  41. ttommyunger

    All I can think of in response to this level of douchebaggery is: rave on, cat-shit, you'll be covered.

  42. Preacher_Griz

    Grandmother Gov Janet Brewer is the ONLY Conservative Christian politician brave enough to stand up to the kenyan allahabama serial drifter!!!

  43. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    This reminds me, I got a robo-call today from the NRA and Wayne LaPierre (he never calls me personally anymore!). Apparently the UN with help from the O'Blackma administration is performing an assault on our gun rights. Anybody else hear about this lately? It was debunked in 2009 as something 'Obama says he doesn’t want to do and the Supreme Court has said can’t be done' but I just wanted to check.

    BTW totally not racist!

  44. sati_demise

    Oh darn, you drag me all the way across the intertubes for this Arizona post. My state. So sorry. There is butt secs involved since we have a Ken Bennett interview. His son was caught sticking stuff up kids butts at a summer camp as a 'councilor'. Were they sticks? yea, I think he got caught sticking sticks up kids butts. Got probation.

  45. fuflans

    i love that hawaii – routinely ranking in the top tier of states on many measures – is being asked to justify itself to fucking ARIZONA.

    if i was an hawaiian official i'd be PISSED.

  46. joanjetkitty

    A fan of sports and music, Bennett also is active in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. From 1978 to 1980, he was an LDS missionary in southern Japan. Bennett is an Eagle Scout, and graduated from Arizona State University in 1984 with an accounting degree.

    From AZ State biography

  47. Beanball

    This dude is in violation of the Constitution, Article 4, Section 1: "Full Faith and Credit shall be given in each State to the public Acts, Records, and judicial Proceedings of every other State. And the Congress may by general Laws prescribe the Manner in which such Acts, Records and Proceedings shall be proved, and the Effect thereof."

    Rather than a certified copy of the birf certificate, Hawaii should send Bennett a certified copy of the US Constitution, with circles and arrows pointing to the relevant parts..

  48. gingerland62

    Is there any way to force secession? If there is, my suggestions are Arizona, Texas, and Florida. I think a couple of them want to secede, I say let them.

  49. dopper0189

    Just for kicks can we get over 1,200 progressive to question Mitt's citizenship and see if we can keep him off the ballot too?

    If you guys won't I bet I can get some Ron Paul types to do it, that way he'll be the only one on the ballot. Well other than Lyndon LaRouche.

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