D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers

  words with friends

the imagination on this one

Thursday, 4PM, is the time that four or so random people will gather in D.C. for a House Judiciary Committee hearing to determine whether there’s any validity to the claim that abortion after 20 weeks causes pain to the fetus, the basis of a nice bill called H.B. 3803 that would ban abortion after 20 weeks in D.C. The hearing was orchestrated by a man in a very far away, very particular state, Arizona, named Trent Franks, who is, recall, Obama’s biggest fan and also a lover of zygotes and the author or co-author of some of the most super creative insane anti-abortion bills ever. So far, the people showing up to this hearing include a female obgyn who teaches at Northwestern, a male professor from West Virginia University, and a male obgyn. Oh, and some woman who teaches writing in D.C.? Huh? Franks’ idea is to get H.B. 3803 funneled quickly on to the Supreme Court, bien sur, and so he has politely declined to invite people who might present arguments from the other side, like Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton, who represents D.C. and thus the women who would be affected by this bill, if it passed. Anyway, this must happen! Because the founding fathers are apparently rolling in their graves! They are also very disappointed about other developments that have occurred since their deaths, including antibiotics, NASA, television and the iPhone.

Via RH Reality Check, we have this lovely letter from National Right to Life written to Congress regarding H.B. 3803. These sweet “experts” tell Congress that fetii are allowed to die “terribly painful deaths” and Congress needs to act.

…what would the Framers of our Constitution say if they returned today and learned, to their horror, that well-developed unborn babies are legally being put to death, in terrible pain, virtually within the shadow of the U.S. Capitol and the White House?

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No need to tone down the histrionics! And the location-based argument is excellent, we really believe you when you say doing this in D.C. has nothing to do with making it potentially easier to overturn Roe V. Wade!

Anyway, this is happening in one hour and a half! But you probably can’t tune in because it is a private secret friend thing, shhhh. [RH Reality Check]

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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76 comments

    1. Barb

      That's probably just salad tong marks from where his dad would carry him to his mom once she was drunk enough to breast feed him.

      1. Barb

        Here, I will help with the deleted comment. It said:
        "and forceps marks on his forehead"
        There, now my reply doesn't look like I am talking to myself.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Ha! So it's personal.

      Really, it makes sense that most of these rightards are the results of botched abortions.

    3. Barb

      Here, I will help with the deleted (aborted) missing comments:

      Someone said: and he's got forceps marks on his forehead.
      and then I replied:
      No, those are salad tong marks from where his dad would carry him to his mom once she was drunk enough to breast feed him.

    4. Rosie_Scenario

      "What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed." Alexander Pope (if not the other kind of Pope) would love you, Barb.

  1. BarbdarTFlagass

    "what would the Framers of our Constitution say if they returned today and learned, to their horror, that well-developed unborn babies are legally being put to death, in terrible pain,? "

    Probably the same thing they'd say about waterboarding and Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib and all that shit.

    1. smitallica

      Well, considering they didn't mention abortion at all in the Constitution they wrote, they probably wouldn't give a fuck.

  2. BornInATrailer

    Well, the first thing they'd probably ask is "Are they white babies or black babies?"

    OH SNAP! Perspective!

    1. chicken_thief

      Under the 3/5th rule, the blahs could be aborted at 26 weeks or so, amirite?

  3. noodlesalad

    I think the Framers of the Constitution would probably have a few more concerns about what is going on in Washington DC than worrying about family planning. Where are all the slaves, for example? And why are women running around in pants?

    1. BornInATrailer

      Franklin would see the current fashion and immediately be out on a wine-fueled split-tail hunt.

      Jefferson would be at a Gentlemen's Club in a more.. urban section of town.

  4. elburritodeluxe

    If they were alive today the Founding Fathers would scream: "Oh my God! My decomposing flesh hurts so much! Must eat brains!"

    1. Baconzgood

      I was thinking "HELP GET ME OUTTA THIS BOX I CAN'T BREATH IN HERE" But yours is better.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    Smart people ruin everything. Saying things like don't deregulate banks or don't invade Iraq or thinking that shooting people in the face is a bad idea. US America wasn't built on Smart ideas. It was built on gumption and pioneer stickutiviness… and slaves, but it wasn't good ideas!

  6. fartknocker

    Anyone in the U.S. House or Senate who represents the State of Arizona should be automatically categorized as bat shit crazy, gun-loving, and woman-hating whose legislation has no real purpose other than to pander to some special interest or its PAC.

    Gabby Gifford was an effective, smart legislator and I do miss her.

  7. SnarkoMarx

    I've said it before and I'll say it again. John Cusack has really let himself go.

  8. littlebigdaddy

    I wonder if he'll change his tune when he finds out that the fastest growing ethnic category of babies born is Messicans?

  9. sharethegrief

    Franks next meeting will determine if 20 week old fetuses feel pain 2 weeks before they're conceived.

  10. FakaktaSouth

    …what would the Framers of our Constitution say

    From everything I've read about Ben Franklin, he'd be all, "Wow, this is incredibly useful technology. Well done!" He's always been one of my personal faves, of course.

    1. FlownOver

      Echoes of early Firesign:

      "Benjamin Franklin… the only President of the United States who was never President of the United States"

  11. CrunchyKnee

    "what would the Framers of our Constitution say if they returned today…"

    Probably, "damn, it stinks up in this bitch."

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Our Founding Fathers would be horrified that women were getting abortions without the consent of their husbands, fathers or owners. Then going and voting.

    1. Negropolis

      Hell, they would be surprised that women are outdoors without the consent of their male guardians. They'd then look at Obama and surmise that a slave revolt had taken place and that we were now "New Haiti."

  13. finallyhappy

    well, we have a pretty good clinic about 5 blocks from the Metro here in Silver Spring.

  14. Baconzgood

    Howz comez it's the dudes that look like that a woman would NEVER fuck them are the guys that get all freaky about what women do with thier V-Jammers.

    1. RavenRant

      V-jammers is much better than va-jay-jay. It sounds like a race car or motorcross vehicle or whatnot.

  15. BarbdarTFlagass

    The founding fathers would probably say to the congressmen, "Where the fuck are your powdered wigs?"

  16. DaRooster

    "…well-developed unborn babies are legally being put to death, in terrible pain…"

    More pain than let's see…
    A wrongfully accused death row inmate?
    A kid with skittles and a hoodie?
    An unwanted child that's parents hate, lock up and stave to death?
    A kid who has nothing to eat and no health care… because you know, WAR, FREEDOM &TAX CUTS!!

  17. Mumbletypeg

    I don't know what George Washington's take would be on this simpleturd. But if George Allen is still looking for some soft teeth to kick down a whiny throat he's found his man.

  18. CrunchyKnee

    "what would the Framers of our Constitution say if they returned today…"

    Or maybe, "an octoroon as president! Fetch me my smelling salts and the services of a comely lass, or I shall be overcome with the vapors!"

    1. chicken_thief

      or possibly "Porn on the focking internetz, you say?! 'Tis great to be alive once again!!"

  19. Billmatic

    I love Rep Norton for one reason and one reason alone, that she plays against Stephen Colbert's schtick and also insists on calling him ColberT.

  20. boobookitteh

    Psst. Abortion has been around for thousands of years.

    In fact for most of history, people practiced 4th trimester abortions for unwanted childrenby leaving them to the elememts. Shall we go back to that?

  21. randcoolcatdaddy

    "What would the Framers of our Constitution say if they returned today and learned, to their horror, that well-developed unborn babies are legally being put to death, in terrible pain, virtually within the shadow of the U.S. Capitol and the White House?"

    How wonderfully convenient! Please, dear sir, tell me more about this Abortionplex – do they avail their services to gentlemen with slaves by any chance? And this small blue round medication that gentlemen keep discussing at the tavern…

  22. DahBoner

    And Republican fetus masturbation creates jobs….but how????

    NOBODY KNOWS OR CARES.

  23. ingloriousbytch

    I'm pretty sure the Founders would be too busy asking how that mulatto slave boy ended up President.

    Except for Jefferson. He'd be desperately trying to get Malia in the sack.

  24. Karma_Suture

    So.. upon extensive research (2m45s)
    http://www.bible.com/bibleanswers_result.php?id=2

    I found out that the only thing the xtians can come up with on abortion as per their babble is the commandment "Thou shall not kill".
    And if someone punches a pregnant woman in the tummy and hurts the babby, the husband gets to kick the shit out of him. Other than that, nada.

    So why aren't these assholes trying to get a law passed that forbids the killing of innocent women and children in oh… let's say, Afghanistan, Iraq, Packipakistanistan et.al.?

    What about tazing a pregnant woman?

  25. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    what would the Framers of our Constitution say if they returned today and learned, to their horror, that well-developed unborn babies are legally being put to death, in terrible pain, virtually within the shadow of the U.S. Capitol and the White House?

    And everyone knows the best abortion clinics are actually located in the basement arcade of the Supreme Court.

    As to the founders, I'm sure Jefferson wishes there were better clinics around when he knocked up his slaves. Could have saved himself a ton of embarrassment.

  26. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    what would the Framers of our Constitution say if they returned today and learned, to their horror, that well-developed unborn babies black people are legally being put to death walking around , in terrible pain free, virtually within the shadow of the U.S. Capitol and the White House?

    Fixed.

  27. Terry

    "virtually within the shadow of the U.S. Capitol and the White House"

    The only hospital related things in any particular proximity to the Capitol and White House are lobbying organizations.

    If you had an abortion at GW's hospital, you'd be doing it in the shadow of the State Department. Others, the shadow of a lot of houses and row houses.

  28. elgin_pelican

    Frankin: "Who are all those lame-ass white boys in that pointy-topped building?"

  29. chicken_thief

    I saw the very nice lady who represents DC on the tvz last night. She was a bit pissed that she was locked out of all the discussions regarding proposed legislation for her district and said something like "we here in DC know how to take care of each other."

    Which I took to mean: Trent Franks is going to have a shit ton of parking/speeding/dui tickets here in the near future. At least, that's what I hoped she meant.

    Fuck Trent Franks. Let him make up shit for AZ.

  30. valthemus

    As long as everyone who testifies remembers to say, "… but we shouldn't let this abortion business distract us from Republican efforts to transfer all of our nation's wealth to the richest .1 percent of the population," it'll be okay.

  31. Negropolis

    "…what would the Framers of our Constitution say if they returned today and learned, to their horror, that well-developed unborn babies fully-developed adult slaves are legally being put to death to forced labour, in terrible pain, virtually actually within the shadow of the U.S. Capitol and the White House they helped build?"

    They wouldn't care

    /fixed

  32. Tricky_Dick

    What the F…k is up with his face? Geez, someone take this fugly bastard to a plastic surgeon. I wont listen to anyone thats this ugly.

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