THE LESS YOU KNOW  2:59 pm May 17, 2012

Bristol Palin’s Blog Ghostwriter Triumphs Over Bookstore’s ‘Sexuality’ Section Displaying Books About Sex

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

good headDo you remember Nancy French? She is the lady who writes all single-teen-mom Bristol Palin’s blog posts yelling at President Obama for not giving children a mother and a father, because gays. (It is that weird sad Maggie Gallagher Syndrome, where her boyfriend or whatever ditched her so she has redirected her rage onto Adam and Steve and whatnot with their whoozits in the uh-oh, NOM NOM NOM.) Anyway, Nancy French has done a thing in her own name this time, and that is that she has TRIUMPHED over SMUT, aka self-help books that teach you how to give good lady-head being displayed RIGHT IN THE SEXUALITY AISLE where customers might see them! No, they will just have to be in brown wrapper behind the counter please, these disgusting “books” what teach you how to bring your lady to orgasm, as if any lady would even WANT such a thing!

From Ms. French’s original blog post!

There, right next to the nice Civil War section (this is Tennessee, after all) is apparently a “sexuality” section, showing various sexual positions in plain view. And when I showing, I mean showing.

One book promised to make this the most erotic year of your life with 365 sexual positions – one of which was shown in plain, naked view on its cover. Another was about the art of erotic massage, and had a naked woman’s torso with a man’s hand – barely – covering her. [...]

Thankfully, no damage had been done. I have a four, an eleven, and a thirteen year old, but they hadn’t seen the display. I promptly, turned the books face down, figuring some teenage kids had come in and thought it would be funny to put pornographic images out in plain view.

NOPE! The bookstore had put books about people having sex in their Sexuality section THEMSELVES! Blah blah blah, she calls corporate headquarters because of course she does.

While I was on hold, another worker explained that these were paid positions on the shelf and that they weren’t allowed to deviate from what corporate dictates.

“But my kids would learn exactly how to have sex simply from the cover,” I explained.

“Well, we have it tucked away next to the military history section,” she said. “Most kids don’t walk down that aisle. Just men.”

“Tucked away” is not what I’d call the second aisle of a store, in plain view, on the top shelf. Plus, are we okay sending men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images? This is what I explained to headquarters, which listened politely and supposedly took down the book title information.

Your hearts will all be gladdened by the news that Books-A-Million backed the fuck down when faced with the mighty flaming sword of justice wielded by Sarah and Bristol Palin’s blogwriter.

After my interview with Channel 2 News (which will air tonight at 10:00), we walked through the “Sexuality” aisle and found that they had, in fact, kept their word and removed the books from the sight of shoppers.
Thank you, Books-a-Million corporate headquarters and Books-a-Million Spring Hill for helping parents protect themselves – and their children – from seeing these inappropriate images.

Luckily, Nancy French is here to keep teens from getting “hooked on more than just reading.” We are pretty sure it was books that knocked up Bristol Palin (also: gays), it is called “logic,” why don’t you get some! [Nancy French, via Romenesko]

 
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{ 260 comments }

ChernobylSoup May 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Testing to see if Wonkette has been cured of whatever witchcraft took hold back there..

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Are the fetuses the right height?

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

In the tent with wine coolers?

BornInATrailer May 17, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Is that a reference to a "position" or are you playing Clue: Wasilla Edition?

BarbdarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

"French?" Isn't that the old-fashioned way of saying "oral sex?" Calling Alanis Morrisette!!

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Only with Jean-Marc قضيب.

ChilLysol May 17, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I bet Nancy Lysoled the shit out of that bookstore.

Barb May 17, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Yes, these books should be behind brown paper wrapper, preferably double bagged, just like Bristol should be during sex.

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Paper? Or Plastic?

Barb May 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Paper, plastic, burlap, all of them Katie.

Steverino247 May 17, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Here's more on observing heavenly bodies (Yeah, that was a stretch, but…):
http://news.yahoo.com/sunday-solar-eclipse-safely

Barb May 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Hey, thanks Steve! Jeff loves this information.

Not_So_Much May 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm

If only Bristol had read a book on blowjobs instead of trapping Levi betwixt that drunken, galumphing thigh meat.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"“But my kids would learn exactly how to have sex simply from the cover,” I explained."

Oh no, kids might learn what sex is! That is totally – normal and something they should learn. Wait what's the problem here?

Chichikovovich May 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

When her daughter turns 15 and is out on a camping trip with wine coolers and hockey players, it will totally ruin the surprise.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

As long as she doesn't know how to use a condom, that slut will get that baby as punishment!

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

But not the way mommy and daddy have it… involving animals, whips and a strap on.

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Daddy wears a strap-on? Is daddy really a mommy?

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

"Children should learn how to have sex the old-fashioned way, by being touched by their uncle-brother in the bathing suit area"

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Or from their parish priest.

Blueb4sunrise May 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Well they're not gonna learn it from her!!!!!!!!!!!

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I learned it from watching YOU, Dad!

Blueb4sunrise May 17, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Oh gawd, that was a great PSA.

sullivanst May 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

They're only supposed to find out when their boy/girlfriend gets them drunk on wine coolers while camping, otherwise how's mommy gonna become a grandma before she turns 45, hmmmmm?

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

yeah. like they need to be taught.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Books are a gateway to LEARNIN'!!!!!

SmutBoffin May 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

There are a buncha ladies out there in TN receiving sub-par oral right now.

They can thank Nagging Nancy French for this.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm

No woman deserves sub-par oral! Well except for Nancy French.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

It may be different for the chicks, but as a dude, I tend to believe that even sub-par oral is pretty much a delightful treat. Long as its not too toothy. But you know what? Even being gnawed on is still better than no oral at all.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Really. A bad eating is better than no eating.

Or that's what she told me.

not that Radio May 17, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Sexytime, red in tooth and nail.

NellCote71 May 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Alfred, Lord Tennyson libel.

not that Radio May 17, 2012 at 5:00 pm

So runs my dream, but what am I?
An infant crying in the night
An infant crying for the light
And with no language but a cry.

Chichikovovich May 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

There are a buncha ladies out there in TN receiving sub-par oral right now.

And they say the "Republican War on Women" is a myth.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Men…and you lesbians! Can we allow this to go on any longer? I say we gather in Nashville and work our way West! This shall not stand!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2012 at 4:56 am

Time to organize the Million Tongue March?

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Also, it's nice to have a post we can all comment on, instead of some of us having our comments being aborted on the last one.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Books on sexuality are a gateaway to social intercourse.

BarbdarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Now if she would only help get rid of those offensive displays of books on religion, and by Ann Coulter.

Weenus299 May 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

And millions of women will get unraped, because French hid naughty pictures.

philpjfry May 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Should they hide all the books about animals from vegitarians? All the military books from pacifists? All the right wing nutjob books from liberals? That last one might be a good idea, but I envision a bookstore with every single book "In the back available for review by special request" So we don't offend stupid people.

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

They gave to bring them out like an old time shoe store.

Buzz Feedback May 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm

While ignoring the Human Sexuality section, Nancy should get Bristol a copy of, "Nobody Ever Got Pregnant from Anal Sex, Vol. II."

Serolf_Divad May 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I present Rush Limbaugh's mom as a counter argument to that claim. I refuse to believe that the man was either conceived or delivered through the front door.

doloras May 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Actually not true. It… drips.

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I always find it interesting that those find sex offensive have no issues with violence.

Yet I rarely (if ever) read about combat veterans getting PTSD from fucking and not watching people getting blown up in horrible ways day after day.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 4:01 pm

The obvious solution is to write the definitive deconstruction of Clausewitz and call it "Great Head, Great Sex"

GuanoFaucet May 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Plus, are we okay sending men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images?

Yes.

SmutBoffin May 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

"The Red Vag. of Courage"

Blueb4sunrise May 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Dangit.
As someone once said….

NorthStarSpanx May 17, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Well, according to Santorum, these soldiers (or regular old red blooded American men) would be so overcome with the need to protect the fairer sex, they'd pull an about face at these images a la Lady Godiva.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm

And when I showing, I mean showing.

And when I writing, I mean stupiding.

philpjfry May 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I hope they don't hide all the sex books. I can use all the help I can get

chicken_thief May 17, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Fuck reading a book. Just become rich and/or famous and the gals will be creamin all over themselves if you just look at them.

BarbdarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I love how at the end she did the Church Lady Superior Dance.

Blueb4sunrise May 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

"…men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images…."

Because MEN. Duh.

BarbdarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Maybe they're going over to read about the Vietnam War, and all the great pussy that was to be had in Saigon, Bangkok, and the Philippines back then.

Blueb4sunrise May 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Ya know, I just was a lucky year too late to be drafted, but one of my former Bro-in-laws was a truck driver/mechanic in Saigon. He had a different experience than many others. He talked like it was the best year of his life.

An_Outhouse May 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm

heh, heh. You said Bang Cock.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Oh god no, we don't want the men seeing pictures of SEX. Next thing you know, they'll come home all horned up and want her to engage in dirty, dirty, evil naughty sex.

ChessieNefercat May 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

This puts a whole new perspective on Nancy adopting a child*… No need for all that dirty, nasty sex.

*Actual Nancy French quote: "We love our little black child (adopted from Africa)." (Not "We love our daughter.")

YouBetcha May 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

You know, this nonsense would never happen in the Wasila Public Library.

Also, sex is bad. Very bad.

nounverb911 May 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

They have books in Wasilla?

chicken_thief May 17, 2012 at 4:29 pm

TWO shelves in the mega hockeyplex!!!

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

What books?

YouBetcha May 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

I didn't say anything about books, I just said "Wasila Public Library". What does a library in Wasila have to do with books? You liberals jump to a lot of stupid conclusions.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Please kill me, I cannot face this anymore. Friends from England are here for a conference and last night we had dinner, they asked me about the election and US politics, as they do when we get together, and I just said, its all over. I told them that our version of the Taliban is in the ascendancy, even if Obama wins this election, and that this country is now in the long slow slide to the end, and I am just glad I am 50 and can be a spectator, I don't have to go out and start a life or career amidst this shit. And it was so hard to make them understand I am absolutely serious, completely serious.

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

53 here. And I totally agree. I feel for my 23 yo daugther but…I can only do so much without a revolution or plenty of vodka. (or both).

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Is it time for a stupid and futile gesture? Eventually, that will be the only option left.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Not to further your desire for death, but, I am listening to the Martin Bashir Snarkathon and they showed Mitt responding to the NYTimes Rickett's Plan "Barack Rev Wright stuff" and I SWEAR TO GOD, direct quote "I’m not familiar with exactly what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was." when asked about what he said on Hannity where he said something about Rev Wright blah blah. And this guy might win. If someone kills you and you leave me I will be so mad. Stop saying that. I don't like it.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Don't worry, I won't leave you.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Besides, whenever I say "stupid and futile gesture," I mean cutting up an old Lincoln and making a deathmobile out of it and writing "Eat Me" on the side.

Chet Kincaid May 17, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Stop it!

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

you make me sad and i couldn't agree more.

thank god for wonkette.

An_Outhouse May 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Don't be so down. Britain has been travelling down this path for awhile so they'll beat us to bottom.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Economically, yes, I told them we are where england was in the 1970s. But England has nowhere near the problem we do with reactionary religious fundamentalists, attacking science and even progress itself, as well as human rights and gender equality and reproductive freedom. They are gonna fuck this country up forever, once they kill the public schools and open even more of their madrassas.

Jukesgrrl May 18, 2012 at 12:02 am

I totally agree that's how they're doing it. Get everyone the least bit interested in education convinced their kids need to go to a charter school, only give charter licenses to Republicans who are into the no-science, no-philosophy, no-art, and rewritten-history plan, then slash funding to public schools and turn them into non-unionized juvenile detention centers. First offense after graduation (or quitting) and the illiterate 18-year-old is off to privatized prison. This plan is well on its way to implementation all over the Southwest.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Go read my blog. You'll feel better.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Where?

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

This post, specifically

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Nice. But you know, I do know myself, well enough to know that nothing about my life is as I wanted or expected it to be, nothing in my life is true to me, and every last moment of my life is lived a slave to the expectations of others. And I can't see even the beginning of a path that might somehow, someday lead me back to being me. Ya know what I mean?

HistoriBarb May 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Bravo.

Dashboard_Jesus May 18, 2012 at 4:06 am

that is the most awesomist blog post I've read in a long time…and I'm soooo glad I don't have kids to explain this to, also

Chichikovovich May 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I'm still clinging to the hope that the insanity spewing out of the Republican party is a last, desperate attempt to fight off the demographics that will kill them. Growing Hispanic population, young people who don't see the fuss about gay marriage, women gaining more power and voice, etc. The hope is to gain power and wreak as much havoc now (plus pass as many vote-suppressing laws as possible) before time takes its toll. And I'm hoping the clock will run out quickly.

But on the other hand, I've made sure my kids both have Canadian passports, and they're learning French. Why take chances?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2012 at 5:08 am

That does seem to be the real contest: progress, vs. the right-wing retards who are using every imaginable tactic to hold it back.
The scariest tactic is the indoctrination of young people in the fantasy world of Xtard "universities".

MarionNYNY May 17, 2012 at 3:59 pm

The better half and I haven't bred, but we are encouraging our nephews and nieces to either try to get a Euro Union passport themselves (Danish mom for two of them) or marry into the Union. I still spend a lot of time believing that Obama will win and the tea baggers are the last dying ember, blah blah, then I leave NYC and realize we are fucked.

poorgradstudent May 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I'm 30 and I have plans to put up a special profile begging for the chance to long-distance date men from countries that have legalized same-sex marriage.

Dashboard_Jesus May 18, 2012 at 4:20 am

oh and one more thing…I've never seen a Wonkette post in all my years slinkin' around this site that had 54 replies, so WIN! (and yes I really really am THAT drunk!)

Mumbletypeg May 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Serial moms inspire serial killers, not vice versa.

"It puts the bad book in a skin
Or else gets wingnut-hazed again."

not that Radio May 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Nancy French?

BarbdarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Those books about how to perform expert cunnilingus shouldn't be in the Sexuality section anyway, they should be in the Self-Help section. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

ChernobylSoup May 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Please Your Woman Every Time goes in the fiction section.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2012 at 5:14 am

Self-help cunnilingus??? Maybe in the yoga section.

weejee May 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

So Nancy French is helping Bristol by giving her a good tongue lashing?

Mittens Howell, III May 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

the most erotic year of your life with 365 sexual positions – or one position done with 365 missionaries.

PubOption May 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

BYU orgy?

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I certainly read that as a position a day. Of course, just like when I got the entire seasons set of 24, I went through them in a weekend.

Yes, I was a bit herky jerky after that and I barked orders at the pets as if their life depended on it, but…we survived.

Mittens Howell, III May 17, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Sometimes pets don't understand.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Learning about sex from books! OHMY! This lady needs to make sure she never ever lets her kids near any computer either, because I totally have the Oral Sex He'll Never Forget book. It began as a gag gift (pun intended) at a party for a friend who won't "do" that – and we all got copies. It's got lotsa Skinamax type pics, so lame when compared to ANYthing you can "click on" ever. But good try, lady.

Mittens Howell, III May 17, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I learn a lot about sex from books.

I learned this from "Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far," by Bristol Palin: Don't do meth chicks.

ThundercatHo May 17, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Just cuz nobody wants to read your drivel, Nancy, you have to go and ruin the fun for everybody. Stupid cow.

HistoriBarb May 17, 2012 at 3:16 pm

How can Nancy French be sure all the other book stores in the country are hiding their sexuality books in shame? She will just have to visit each one personally. Get on it Get busy Double-check them all Nancy! You should be done by the time that youngest child is ready to understand all that sexuality stuff.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Sex is bad, but the Civil War books showing death on an unimaginable scale committed by our own countrymen is a-okay.

StarsUponThars May 17, 2012 at 3:34 pm

You gave me a Mr. Mackey moment there: "Sex is bad, m'kay?"

Baconzgood May 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

NEEDZ MOAR TOUNGE SWIRL!!!!

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I'm moar partial to the "nibble on ball sack" bits.

BarbdarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I hope this lady never goes into a "newsstand" in Houston expecting to pick up a copy of the Chronicle and the latest Time magazine. Historicat knows what I'm talkin' about.

HistoriBarb May 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

What? Just because it's 3 am I should be denied the chance to get a New York Times or other fine, legitimate publications?

Stop judging, haters!

Chichikovovich May 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Relax, mon chum. Wonkette is a warm, accepting place. If you happen to enjoy the occasional glance at Chronicle of Juicy Hooters and Furry Fun Time, we are all absolutely cool with that.

'Cause it's all about the love, man.

AncienReggie May 17, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Is Guy's News still in business? Great newspaper selection, plus tons-o-porn. Man, I loved that store.

DerrickWildcat May 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I thought they put all non-vampire books in a tent in the parking lot.

Texan_Bulldog May 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Books-A-Million–isn't that like the Dollar Store of book stores? Figures Barnes & Noble would be too smart to be in TN.

BarbdarTFlagass May 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I've only seen one of those in Kokomo, Indiana. I guess they're kinda like Dairy Queens for rural bibliophiles.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I've seen them in the city, but at least the ones I've seen are just tiny mall bookstores with a horrible selection unless you're looking for a recent bestseller.

Texan_Bulldog May 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I've seen lots of them in AR. Go figure…

FNMA May 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

When Borders died, Books-A-Million took over its spot in my town. It sucks. Assholes still haven't stocked my book, in my hometown.
That, and when they took over for Borders, they said they'd hired a bunch of the people who worked there, many of whom I count as friends. BAM screwed them all. None of them got jobs.
Fuck Books-A-Million.

Callyson May 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Plus, are we okay sending men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images?

Hey, if they had had more pornographic images to look at in the antebellum period, perhaps the men would have been less inclined to institute that unpleasant business about slavery in the first place. Thus saving us from having to fight the Civil War and kill a bunch of people. Why does Nancy French hate life?

Mumbletypeg May 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Congats on helping make "Oral Sex She'll Never Forget" a thing your and others' kids of reading age will Always Remember, Missus French!

starfanglednut May 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

While we're rearranging the bookstore, I suggest we move all right wing literature to the fiction section, and books on the archdiocese to true crime.

Baconzgood May 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Licking vaginas is fun.

Generation[redacted] May 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

A lot more fun than any civil war.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Yea, but the make up licking is teh hawt.

Nostrildamus May 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

TED on line 1, Baconz.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:58 pm

This could be construed as a political statement in support of gay marriage, don't you think?

HistoriBarb May 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Equal cunnilingus rights for men!

738838 May 17, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Once you get past the smell you've got it licked.

elburritodeluxe May 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

President Sarah Palin's Press Secretary ghostwriter has saved the day! I don't want small children to see that! By that I mean conservative liars flogging their books.

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"I have a four, an eleven, and a thirteen year old, but they hadn’t seen the display"

Good idea. Keep them all, especially the thirteen year old, ignorant as to the subject of sex.

weejee May 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Ignorance is bliss(ful). Barefoot and preggers too, also.

OneYieldRegular May 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

The more I read about the people who've surrounded Bristol Palin her whole life, it seems like God's great miracle that she hasn't had a dozen kids already.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

There, right next to the nice Sexuality section (this is America, after all) is apparently a “Regional Cooking” section, showing various cooking techniques in plain view. And when I cooking, I mean cooking.

Nostrildamus May 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Right next to the Civil War section, showing the War of Rebellion in plain view. And when I say rebellion, I mean treason.

JustPixelz May 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"… next to the nice Civil War section…"

First, I wonder what she meant by "nice". "a section about the nice Civil War" or "a nice section about the Civil War". Probably about the nice war, except how it ended. (It is Tennessee, you know.)

But she's right. I've been told many times by many women that sex is worse than war. Now I understand what they meant. (whew!)

Cheer up lady. In a few years that book store will be gone. Your kids will get all their books from the internet, where there are no pornographic images whatsoever.

Guppy May 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm

There's nothing more pure and wholesome than a Minie ball to the gut!

Maybe her kids would rather see the field surgery displays in the National Civil War Museum. The mannequins demonstrating a field amputation are nothing but good, clean fun!

Callyson May 17, 2012 at 3:23 pm

“But my kids would learn exactly how to have sex simply from the cover”

And if more kids learned how to hone their sexual skills, the world would be a much better place. Make love not war!

BigSkullF*ckingDog May 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

This bitch would be a lot less uptight if she just took that oral sex book home to her husband.

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Oh but a guy married to a right-wing prude is probably the type of asshole who refuses to go down on a woman; she probably won't give him head either.

HistoriBarb May 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You want me to do what with my mouth where??

DerrickWildcat May 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Speaking of Sex, Heidi Klum is on QVC right now selling some jewelry shit. I saw that she was actually taking calls from customers. So since she's single now, I thought I'd call in and act like a customer and ask her for a date. I think we'd hit it off because I have kind of a fucked up face and she seems to be attracted to that. It was a no go. You have to buy one of those stupid things to even have a chance of getting through to her. So no sex tonight.

Dildeaux May 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Who the fuck actually walks into a bookstore and buys books about secks. Twattertoobz is the preferred pron delivery device. Thats what the kids tell me.
But I do know this…anus licking causes sepsis. Must seek doctors assistance or death in 30 minutes.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Because its really hard to prop a laptop on a headboard, silly.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Spoiler Alert!

Oral Sex She'll Never Forget ends with her having an orgasm. I know, shocking, right?!

SorosBot May 17, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Wait, women have orgasms? But I thought you were just supposed to passively help us men enjoy ourselves!

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 3:34 pm

*That's* why there's an entire section on Sexuality at the bookstore!

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Lesbians, mate. SOME woman has to cum.

Tundra Grifter May 18, 2012 at 9:49 am

In Soviet Union, orgasm has the woman!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Yeah, right. Like that ever happened. If God had wanted women to have orgasms, he would not have given them England to think about.

ChessieNefercat May 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm

"Oral Sex She'll Never Forget ends with her having an orgasm."

Thank you! I thought maybe it involved the oral sex provider dressing up like a toucan or the alien from Alien or maybe just wearing a Carmen Miranda headdress. Those would certainly be unforgettable, if not orgasm-inducing.

Chet Kincaid May 17, 2012 at 3:31 pm

What's a "bookstore"?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Think of Amazon.com, but where you can't also buy a TV and dominatrix equipment at the same time.

MissTaken May 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I think it's like the internets with their blogs and such, but for some reason the blogs are printed out on this stuff called paper. But be careful! That 'paper' can cut your finger and sting like a sonofabitch. Best to stick with the interwebs.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm

It's a place with tall display stands so you can get oral sex.

smashedinhat May 17, 2012 at 3:31 pm

For the good of the human race these troglodytes shouldn't be allowed to breed. The horror just goes on decade after decade, generation after generation.

pdiddycornchips May 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Well that ship has already sailed in Bristol's case. But not to worry, she's magically regained her virginity with a combination of ghost written blog posts and reality TV.

Exhausted66 May 17, 2012 at 3:32 pm

"how to bring your lady to orgasm"

Lady Orgasm? Jokes on you. NO SUCH THING!

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I've certainly never heard of such a thing!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Isn't a lady orgasm when she like moves, or something?

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ May 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

A lady orgasm is one where she has sex with her good Christian husband.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I thought that's when her leg falls asleep on your back.

HippieEsq May 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm

go away NEWT.

RavenRant May 17, 2012 at 4:20 pm
StarsUponThars May 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Nancy French is not a cunning linguist.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Does that mean she is running cunt? Ooops, wrong joke, my bad.

ChessieNefercat May 17, 2012 at 7:06 pm

"Nancy French is not a cunning linguist."

But what a cunning stunt!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I agree with Bristol that the only thing you have to do "oral" to a women is get the 'coolers down her throat. The rest will come naturally, if you know what I mean.

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

This might be the first time in history a French woman has a problem with oral sexuality.

Chet Kincaid May 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Uh, what can you get out of a book that you wouldn't figure out by just tongue-crawling the field of battle until you get a response?

Oh wait, I thought we were talking about finding Civil War relics with a metal detector.

Blueb4sunrise May 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Oh geez, what a phrase….

Chet Kincaid May 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I would be honored if I have added to the Sexual Lexicon.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm

It will go down in history with "tongue-punching the fart-box."

Jukesgrrl May 18, 2012 at 12:10 am

"…tongue-crawling the field of battle"?? Oooh, baby, will you give me a drag on your avatar-cigarette when I'm finished thinking about that?

Chet Kincaid May 18, 2012 at 9:45 am

It's a cigar! There's nothing Chet loves more than jello pudding except cigars! Oh, and cunnilingus.

Baconzgood May 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I wanted to show my kids someone getting their heads blown off with a cannon and instead my kids saw 2 people making love! I'M OUTRAGED!!!!!

actor212 May 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm

In fairness, her head, and blown off, did come into it.

glamourdammerung May 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Actually, what happens is that Republicans tear off the plastic covers and then whine to the staff about the pornography.

/worked in a bookstore while in school and dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

SayItWithWookies May 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Nancy French — ensuring that the next generation of Tennesseans will be lousy lays. Really if we're going to be imperialists I would hope that the soldiers we send to invade foreign lands could at least be ambassadors for good sex — but no, we'd rather export death, fear and stupidity.

LetUsBray May 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Well, you know, go with what you're good at.

randcoolcatdaddy May 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

We walked through the “Sexuality” aisle and found that they had, in fact, kept their word and removed the books from the sight of shoppers.

Don't worry, shoppers, they'll put them all back out when the batshit crazy lady gets escorted from the store.

An_Outhouse May 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

'S' comes right before 'T' in the alphabet? Say it isn't so!

Fairtackle May 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I am sure that when the husband and kids are away she likes nothing better after taking nice long bath than going to the bedroom in her bathrobe, turning the lights down, lighting a few vanilla scented candles she picked up at wall-mart and lying back on the bed with a nice Civil War picture book in one hand and just letting the other hand work its magic.

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

too much book larnin.

An_Outhouse May 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I don't need no stinkin' book. Practice makes perfect. Nom, nom, nom.

OneYieldRegular May 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I have a feeling that quite enough damage has already been done to her kids.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ May 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Thank you, Books-a-Million corporate headquarters and Books-a-Million Spring Hill for helping parents protect themselves – and their children – from seeing these inappropriate images.

…of Bristol Palin as success story of any. Fucking. Thing. At. All.

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

so which section is bristol's book in?

finallyhappy May 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm

recycling

Nostrildamus May 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Nature, right next to "Beluga Mating Calls".

Online, you can get it here.

ChessieNefercat May 17, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Remainders?

ChrisM2011 May 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm

"right next to the nice Civil War section"

So which part was nice? The countless number of dead American soldiers or the slavery?

larrykat May 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Holy shit, her 11 year old will "learn exactly how to have sex" from just one gander at a book cover? That is one smart kid.

Nostrildamus May 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Haven't you seen those new animated book covers?

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 4:07 pm

This is the South. If the 11 year old is a she, what she learned from the book was to remove your dust jacket, lie flat on the table/bedand then open you "pages". And, don't say anything. And, get me a beer after.

Sorry, I lost my thoughts on this one.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2012 at 5:26 am

That is one hell of a book cover!

gurukalehuru May 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I think by putting the sexuality section next to the Civil War section, Books-a-Million is sending a not so subtle message: Fuck the South.

Eve8Apples May 17, 2012 at 3:59 pm

May the old prude never have an orgasm as long as she lives.

fuflans May 17, 2012 at 3:59 pm

i like how the kids section is just slightly over the right shoulder of sex…

Chick-Fil-Atheist™ May 17, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Just proactive, preventive thinking… but should we warn Nancy about the interweb?

Jus_Wonderin May 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I learned everything I needed to know about orgasm from the Maytag Heavy Duty setting.

Steverino247 May 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I can think of several ways to make a woman "never forget!"

(None of them involve Rudy Guiliani, either.)

Nopantsmcgee May 17, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Amazon.com Libel!!!1!

Tundra Grifter May 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm

The photo of the attractive young woman on the cover of the oral sex book appears to have been taken from, well, behind.

Perhaps I'm failing to keep up here, but shouldn't that picture have been from the front? Wouldn't that be a much easier stance – at least for starters?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2012 at 5:28 am

You'd be amazed at what a teenager can learn from that picture.

Tundra Grifter May 18, 2012 at 9:48 am

Or perhaps they need to read the book?

supernoun May 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

"Plus, are we okay sending men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images? "

OH MY GOD THE MEN! THE POOR, INNOCENT MEN!

bikerlaureate May 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Thankfully, no damage had been done.

Keep telling yourself that, Mom.

Sexy sex sex sex SEXXXXX sex sexy sex! Sex sex sexy sex!

HolyCow!! May 17, 2012 at 4:28 pm

America is saved!

RavenRant May 17, 2012 at 4:31 pm

OT, but would anyone like to collaborate with me on a graphic novel featuring "metrosexual black Abe Lincoln?"

I am thinking time travel, steampunk, a colorful collection of friends with special powers…

HistoriBarb May 17, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I have no artistic abilities at all so my help would be limited … but I would commit to buying that graphic novel.

RavenRant May 17, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I see you have been absorbed into the Borg Barb Collective.

Resistance is Futile.

Someone around here has to help me make time-travellin' steampunk metrosexual black Abe Lincoln a reality! I can't do it alone!

Wile E. Quixote May 17, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I'm pretty sure that if you made a list of all of the factors that contributed to Bristol Palin being the annoying, pathetic cheap, trashy, narcissistic attention piece of shit mother of a bastard attention whore that she is that spending too much time in bookstores, would not be on that list.

chascates May 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."
–H.L. Mencken

Doktor StrangeZoom May 17, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Huh. So I suppose the fact that I didn't have a World-Class Freakout when I found out that Kid Zoom (a week short of 15) downloaded the "nude mod" for Skyrim means I'm a bad parent?

Mind you, I did roll my eyes and heckle him about it. A dad's got certain expectations to live up to.

anniegetyerfun May 17, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I promptly, mocked Nancy's inability to write in English.

WordSaladNation May 17, 2012 at 8:18 pm
fishskicanoe May 17, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I see a great, late birthday present for my wife there. Thanks Wonkette!!

poorgradstudent May 17, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Um, Nancy, I grew up in a really conservative rural area without cable and before most people had access to the interwebs and I knew what cunnilingus was by the time I was ten or so, at the latest..

You see, Nancy, that's kind of why it's not a bad thing for a kid to learn about sex from at least quasi-legitimate sources, even if (like it was for me) piecing together things from jokes off "Married With Children", 'cause they'll learn about it anyway, and you don't want their font of sexual wisdom to be some random fifth grader.

YasserArraFeck May 18, 2012 at 12:43 am

Man on dog or GTFO

aklibtard May 18, 2012 at 4:44 am

I totally remember not being at all interested in sex when I was thirteen. I barely jerked off 3 times a day.

Tundra Grifter May 18, 2012 at 9:45 am

Just wait until Nancy French learns there's a copy of the Koran in the "Religion" section!

Of course, this being Tennessee, it's been burnt a bit crisp around the edges.

Sheesko May 18, 2012 at 11:25 am

Books-a-Million is a right-wing Christian shill.

ttommyunger May 18, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Book larn'n? Trace each letter of the Alphabet forward, then backward; slowly with the tip of the tongue…..fer starters. My experience is they will have to pull the sheets out of the crack of their ass by the time you're through.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 4:00 pm

WOOWEE! Come pick me up when you do and I'll bring the Bonnie and Clyde outfits!

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I was promised jet packs AND free love, and we didn't get neither, god dammit. And 3 day weekends, for the orgies and all. The future sure ain't what it used to be.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I've always been more the rebel in button-down and khakis type. You can get away with more if you don't look as evil as you are.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Holy cow. You need a lap dance.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I was never more offended than when I came through customs un-molested – I would be a fantastic drug mule. Nobody knows the trouble I could cause. One day this will be a thing I will use to my advantage!

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Fuckin' A. From your lips to God's ear.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Here is absolutely the god's honest truth, I hate my work, that goes without saying, its horrendous, empty, meaningless and completely without any satisfaction to me. Then, at home, well, I can't listen to the music I love, at the volume I like, I can't watch the movies I want to watch, I can't discuss the books and ideas and whatever all shit I love to discuss, I get told to stop singing every time I try to sing, just because I am no good at it, and basically, 24-7, I have to edit every detail of the person I project to the world, in order to meet the expectations of those around me in my daily life. I have to edit everything I say, fake every reaction to what is said to me, and pretend I believe in the horseshit that makes up my life. But martinis and valiums numbs it enough that I can wake up every morning and do it all over again.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Oh, and can't eat the food I like either.

RavenRant May 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Just to address one thing on the list, are headphones an option?

Chet Kincaid May 17, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Sounds like a bitch is problem number one.

Dashboard_Jesus May 18, 2012 at 4:09 am

ok now I am gonna recommend yoga, or something like that…srsly it saved my life during the Bush years!

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Oh my darling. I don't mean this to dismiss anything you've said as valid things to hate, but you sound a lot like a member of the royal family. I have always thought that would be a terribly shitty way to live. Probably there has to be a way to do something else? I am not going to be dead til LOONG after 50 – perhaps you won't want to spend all your time being miserable, because there ought to be a lot of it left. Of course I think I am the Dude (with boobies!) from the Big Lebowski so I have no business dealing with grown people problems.

RavenRant May 17, 2012 at 4:36 pm
ChessieNefercat May 17, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Don't forget the flying cars!

(Flying on purpose, not over guardrails.)

Dashboard_Jesus May 18, 2012 at 4:03 am

y'all are so awesome..and since I'm over 50 now I can say fuck it all too (it helps that I invested over 50% of my 401K in Apple over 8 years ago and now it's worth over $500K, enough for me to live out the rest of my life in India in luxury in an ashram in the Himalayas…just lucky I guess? oh and gawd bliss Steve Jerbs)

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Thats just it, I have no business dealing with grown people problems either, apparently for similar reasons to do with temperament and disposition. There is a hobo lives under an overpass on the road I take to work, and I pass by him every day morning and night, and I envy him so much.

Dashboard_Jesus May 18, 2012 at 4:10 am

the Dude, with boobies? perfect!

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Why can't you eat the food you like? And you do not want to be a hobo. I already think you are in jail because of your weird internet access times…Come on now, don't be sad. It's because of your gf the performer who died, isn't it? See, if this was a movie (the kind from the 80s that you probably didn't like) I would all be smooching on you after you were sad about a person that died. Movies are great. Please don't be a hobo either. I don't mean to start making demands on you too, but good lord.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 4:48 pm

"And you may say to yourself, my god, what have I done." Ya know? It actually happens. She was in the fucking ice capades, aint that a hoot?

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Aw that is sad. (The Talking Heads thing AND the ice capades lady I bet she was super strong.) Stop making me be the god damn Rielle Hunter Healer. You CAN change! and all that shit. But you really should eat, listen to, read, watch, talk about and be whatever you would like. I'll put up with a lot of shit (I really won't) but dietary restrictions are grounds.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 4:59 pm

And also, now you get to go home – while I am STILL painting these freaking cabinet doors, all because I couldn't stop playing on the computer.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Don't you worry about me, babe, I'm already humming that "tomorrow" song from Annie, pulling up my big girl panties and marching on with things and such. Maybe I will buy some asparagus on the way home, dammit!

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Oh I'm not worried. I would like to see those panties though.

prommie May 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Surely we are alone now, noone's gonna follow this thread this far down? ha ha, you are a funny one, though.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I am hilarious.
And we can only hope.
I love asparagus.

ChessieNefercat May 17, 2012 at 6:58 pm

"noone's gonna follow this thread this far down?"

I did. I'm sorry, I was procrastinating, and now I feel like I sneaked into somebody's house to eavesdrop. I'll tiptop out now.

And I hope you feel better! Not that i was listening in.

Rotundo_ May 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

You sound like my inner voice, Prommie. Some days the only thing to do is put on the mask and play on. I try to go into macro mode and focus on getting through the day, and then I wake up and it's rinse, lather, repeat. Groundhog day live!

calliecallie May 18, 2012 at 9:50 am

Me too, I followed it all the way down. Prommie, Prommie, it's going to be okay. If you want to change your life, you can. Baby steps. Start with the singing, I think. In the shower. Or listen to your music in the shower. Or with headphones. But not headphones in the shower.

ChessieNefercat May 18, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Hey, prommie, I hope waking in the middle of the night to see all of our little pairs of eyeballs staring at you gave you a warm and fuzzy feeling. Aw, we care.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Whew. You reckon? I'd FREAK OUT. That is one of my biggest problems with some of the gals I know who are parenting their husbands. I mean you want to talk about running down the road screaming?

Chet Kincaid May 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Man, I'd hate to be stuck with somebody who wasn't a decent person beneath it all, despite the goddamned annoyances.

FakaktaSouth May 17, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Okay, so now I am thinking about this too much, but whatever. I think maybe it's not so much about just a person making someone miserable as it is a whole way of life that can lead to this kind of "wait a minute, this is not what I meant to do" attitude. I mean, you spend all that time in school and work, doing all the things you think are the "smart" thing (including maybe marrying the "right" person) and then you realize that what everybody else has been telling you is worth working so hard for, ain't really what you have been looking for, or a way of life that is fulfilling and makes you jump out of bed happy everyday. I don't mean to profile my man prom specifically, I just mean in general, that can be a disappointing pain in the ass. (so can a butt head for a spouse though). Me, I like stuff (and exercise) too much to get worn down by what pisses me off (I've been living in my own personal reality ever since I became aware of where the hell I live though)

Jukesgrrl May 17, 2012 at 11:55 pm

I get waved through all the Border Patrol stops in Arizona and California with nary a glance. I could be drinking Jack Daniels out of a bottle with a back seat full of ganga and two illegals in the trunk and they'd never notice.

Jukesgrrl May 18, 2012 at 12:04 am

Me either.

Dashboard_Jesus May 18, 2012 at 4:13 am

hell I'm following the whole freakin' thing, and it's 4 AM…and I'm so drunk I can hardly find the keys to type! I feel like a voyeuer or whatever the fuck the french call it?

Nothingisamiss May 18, 2012 at 6:23 am

Ooh! I didn't see you there! I'm here, too!

Dashboard_Jesus May 18, 2012 at 4:07 am

I was gonna say 'try yoga' but the lap dance sounds like a lot more fun

Dashboard_Jesus May 18, 2012 at 4:18 am

ok I gotta be real (even tho I'm drunk as hell and haven't commentated in over a month) but that is the BEST Wonkette comment I've read EVER! (or maybe I'm just drunk?) ok one more time and I really mean it, try some yoga, it has really , truly saved my life (no snark, just booze talkin'…namaste)

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2012 at 5:04 am

.
Is it just me, or is it getting crowded in here?
.

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