the less you know

Bristol Palin’s Blog Ghostwriter Triumphs Over Bookstore’s ‘Sexuality’ Section Displaying Books About Sex

good headDo you remember Nancy French? She is the lady who writes all single-teen-mom Bristol Palin’s blog posts yelling at President Obama for not giving children a mother and a father, because gays. (It is that weird sad Maggie Gallagher Syndrome, where her boyfriend or whatever ditched her so she has redirected her rage onto Adam and Steve and whatnot with their whoozits in the uh-oh, NOM NOM NOM.) Anyway, Nancy French has done a thing in her own name this time, and that is that she has TRIUMPHED over SMUT, aka self-help books that teach you how to give good lady-head being displayed RIGHT IN THE SEXUALITY AISLE where customers might see them! No, they will just have to be in brown wrapper behind the counter please, these disgusting “books” what teach you how to bring your lady to orgasm, as if any lady would even WANT such a thing!

From Ms. French’s original blog post!

There, right next to the nice Civil War section (this is Tennessee, after all) is apparently a “sexuality” section, showing various sexual positions in plain view. And when I showing, I mean showing.

One book promised to make this the most erotic year of your life with 365 sexual positions – one of which was shown in plain, naked view on its cover. Another was about the art of erotic massage, and had a naked woman’s torso with a man’s hand – barely – covering her. [...]

Thankfully, no damage had been done. I have a four, an eleven, and a thirteen year old, but they hadn’t seen the display. I promptly, turned the books face down, figuring some teenage kids had come in and thought it would be funny to put pornographic images out in plain view.

NOPE! The bookstore had put books about people having sex in their Sexuality section THEMSELVES! Blah blah blah, she calls corporate headquarters because of course she does.

While I was on hold, another worker explained that these were paid positions on the shelf and that they weren’t allowed to deviate from what corporate dictates.

“But my kids would learn exactly how to have sex simply from the cover,” I explained.

“Well, we have it tucked away next to the military history section,” she said. “Most kids don’t walk down that aisle. Just men.”

“Tucked away” is not what I’d call the second aisle of a store, in plain view, on the top shelf. Plus, are we okay sending men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images? This is what I explained to headquarters, which listened politely and supposedly took down the book title information.

Your hearts will all be gladdened by the news that Books-A-Million backed the fuck down when faced with the mighty flaming sword of justice wielded by Sarah and Bristol Palin’s blogwriter.

After my interview with Channel 2 News (which will air tonight at 10:00), we walked through the “Sexuality” aisle and found that they had, in fact, kept their word and removed the books from the sight of shoppers.
Thank you, Books-a-Million corporate headquarters and Books-a-Million Spring Hill for helping parents protect themselves – and their children – from seeing these inappropriate images.

Luckily, Nancy French is here to keep teens from getting “hooked on more than just reading.” We are pretty sure it was books that knocked up Bristol Palin (also: gays), it is called “logic,” why don’t you get some! [Nancy French, via Romenesko]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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260 comments

  1. ChernobylSoup

    Testing to see if Wonkette has been cured of whatever witchcraft took hold back there..

    1. BornInATrailer

      Is that a reference to a "position" or are you playing Clue: Wasilla Edition?

  2. BarbdarTFlagass

    "French?" Isn't that the old-fashioned way of saying "oral sex?" Calling Alanis Morrisette!!

  3. Barb

    Yes, these books should be behind brown paper wrapper, preferably double bagged, just like Bristol should be during sex.

    1. Not_So_Much

      If only Bristol had read a book on blowjobs instead of trapping Levi betwixt that drunken, galumphing thigh meat.

  4. SorosBot

    "“But my kids would learn exactly how to have sex simply from the cover,” I explained."

    Oh no, kids might learn what sex is! That is totally – normal and something they should learn. Wait what's the problem here?

    1. Chichikovovich

      When her daughter turns 15 and is out on a camping trip with wine coolers and hockey players, it will totally ruin the surprise.

      1. SorosBot

        As long as she doesn't know how to use a condom, that slut will get that baby as punishment!

    2. MissTaken

      "Children should learn how to have sex the old-fashioned way, by being touched by their uncle-brother in the bathing suit area"

    3. sullivanst

      They're only supposed to find out when their boy/girlfriend gets them drunk on wine coolers while camping, otherwise how's mommy gonna become a grandma before she turns 45, hmmmmm?

  5. SmutBoffin

    There are a buncha ladies out there in TN receiving sub-par oral right now.

    They can thank Nagging Nancy French for this.

    1. prommie

      It may be different for the chicks, but as a dude, I tend to believe that even sub-par oral is pretty much a delightful treat. Long as its not too toothy. But you know what? Even being gnawed on is still better than no oral at all.

          1. not that Radio

            So runs my dream, but what am I?
            An infant crying in the night
            An infant crying for the light
            And with no language but a cry.

    2. Chichikovovich

      There are a buncha ladies out there in TN receiving sub-par oral right now.

      And they say the "Republican War on Women" is a myth.

      1. actor212

        Men…and you lesbians! Can we allow this to go on any longer? I say we gather in Nashville and work our way West! This shall not stand!

  6. SorosBot

    Also, it's nice to have a post we can all comment on, instead of some of us having our comments being aborted on the last one.

  7. BarbdarTFlagass

    Now if she would only help get rid of those offensive displays of books on religion, and by Ann Coulter.

  8. philpjfry

    Should they hide all the books about animals from vegitarians? All the military books from pacifists? All the right wing nutjob books from liberals? That last one might be a good idea, but I envision a bookstore with every single book "In the back available for review by special request" So we don't offend stupid people.

  9. Buzz Feedback

    While ignoring the Human Sexuality section, Nancy should get Bristol a copy of, "Nobody Ever Got Pregnant from Anal Sex, Vol. II."

    1. Serolf_Divad

      I present Rush Limbaugh's mom as a counter argument to that claim. I refuse to believe that the man was either conceived or delivered through the front door.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    I always find it interesting that those find sex offensive have no issues with violence.

    Yet I rarely (if ever) read about combat veterans getting PTSD from fucking and not watching people getting blown up in horrible ways day after day.

  11. GuanoFaucet

    Plus, are we okay sending men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images?

    Yes.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Well, according to Santorum, these soldiers (or regular old red blooded American men) would be so overcome with the need to protect the fairer sex, they'd pull an about face at these images a la Lady Godiva.

    1. chicken_thief

      Fuck reading a book. Just become rich and/or famous and the gals will be creamin all over themselves if you just look at them.

  12. Blueb4sunrise

    "…men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images…."

    Because MEN. Duh.

    1. BarbdarTFlagass

      Maybe they're going over to read about the Vietnam War, and all the great pussy that was to be had in Saigon, Bangkok, and the Philippines back then.

      1. Blueb4sunrise

        Ya know, I just was a lucky year too late to be drafted, but one of my former Bro-in-laws was a truck driver/mechanic in Saigon. He had a different experience than many others. He talked like it was the best year of his life.

    2. prommie

      Oh god no, we don't want the men seeing pictures of SEX. Next thing you know, they'll come home all horned up and want her to engage in dirty, dirty, evil naughty sex.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        This puts a whole new perspective on Nancy adopting a child*… No need for all that dirty, nasty sex.

        *Actual Nancy French quote: "We love our little black child (adopted from Africa)." (Not "We love our daughter.")

  13. YouBetcha

    You know, this nonsense would never happen in the Wasila Public Library.

    Also, sex is bad. Very bad.

      1. YouBetcha

        I didn't say anything about books, I just said "Wasila Public Library". What does a library in Wasila have to do with books? You liberals jump to a lot of stupid conclusions.

  14. prommie

    Please kill me, I cannot face this anymore. Friends from England are here for a conference and last night we had dinner, they asked me about the election and US politics, as they do when we get together, and I just said, its all over. I told them that our version of the Taliban is in the ascendancy, even if Obama wins this election, and that this country is now in the long slow slide to the end, and I am just glad I am 50 and can be a spectator, I don't have to go out and start a life or career amidst this shit. And it was so hard to make them understand I am absolutely serious, completely serious.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      53 here. And I totally agree. I feel for my 23 yo daugther but…I can only do so much without a revolution or plenty of vodka. (or both).

      1. prommie

        Is it time for a stupid and futile gesture? Eventually, that will be the only option left.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Not to further your desire for death, but, I am listening to the Martin Bashir Snarkathon and they showed Mitt responding to the NYTimes Rickett's Plan "Barack Rev Wright stuff" and I SWEAR TO GOD, direct quote "I’m not familiar with exactly what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was." when asked about what he said on Hannity where he said something about Rev Wright blah blah. And this guy might win. If someone kills you and you leave me I will be so mad. Stop saying that. I don't like it.

          1. prommie

            Besides, whenever I say "stupid and futile gesture," I mean cutting up an old Lincoln and making a deathmobile out of it and writing "Eat Me" on the side.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            WOOWEE! Come pick me up when you do and I'll bring the Bonnie and Clyde outfits!

          3. prommie

            I was promised jet packs AND free love, and we didn't get neither, god dammit. And 3 day weekends, for the orgies and all. The future sure ain't what it used to be.

          4. Dashboard_Jesus

            y'all are so awesome..and since I'm over 50 now I can say fuck it all too (it helps that I invested over 50% of my 401K in Apple over 8 years ago and now it's worth over $500K, enough for me to live out the rest of my life in India in luxury in an ashram in the Himalayas…just lucky I guess? oh and gawd bliss Steve Jerbs)

          5. prommie

            I've always been more the rebel in button-down and khakis type. You can get away with more if you don't look as evil as you are.

          6. FakaktaSouth

            I was never more offended than when I came through customs un-molested – I would be a fantastic drug mule. Nobody knows the trouble I could cause. One day this will be a thing I will use to my advantage!

          7. Jukesgrrl

            I get waved through all the Border Patrol stops in Arizona and California with nary a glance. I could be drinking Jack Daniels out of a bottle with a back seat full of ganga and two illegals in the trunk and they'd never notice.

    2. An_Outhouse

      Don't be so down. Britain has been travelling down this path for awhile so they'll beat us to bottom.

      1. prommie

        Economically, yes, I told them we are where england was in the 1970s. But England has nowhere near the problem we do with reactionary religious fundamentalists, attacking science and even progress itself, as well as human rights and gender equality and reproductive freedom. They are gonna fuck this country up forever, once they kill the public schools and open even more of their madrassas.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          I totally agree that's how they're doing it. Get everyone the least bit interested in education convinced their kids need to go to a charter school, only give charter licenses to Republicans who are into the no-science, no-philosophy, no-art, and rewritten-history plan, then slash funding to public schools and turn them into non-unionized juvenile detention centers. First offense after graduation (or quitting) and the illiterate 18-year-old is off to privatized prison. This plan is well on its way to implementation all over the Southwest.

          1. prommie

            Nice. But you know, I do know myself, well enough to know that nothing about my life is as I wanted or expected it to be, nothing in my life is true to me, and every last moment of my life is lived a slave to the expectations of others. And I can't see even the beginning of a path that might somehow, someday lead me back to being me. Ya know what I mean?

          2. prommie

            Here is absolutely the god's honest truth, I hate my work, that goes without saying, its horrendous, empty, meaningless and completely without any satisfaction to me. Then, at home, well, I can't listen to the music I love, at the volume I like, I can't watch the movies I want to watch, I can't discuss the books and ideas and whatever all shit I love to discuss, I get told to stop singing every time I try to sing, just because I am no good at it, and basically, 24-7, I have to edit every detail of the person I project to the world, in order to meet the expectations of those around me in my daily life. I have to edit everything I say, fake every reaction to what is said to me, and pretend I believe in the horseshit that makes up my life. But martinis and valiums numbs it enough that I can wake up every morning and do it all over again.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            Oh my darling. I don't mean this to dismiss anything you've said as valid things to hate, but you sound a lot like a member of the royal family. I have always thought that would be a terribly shitty way to live. Probably there has to be a way to do something else? I am not going to be dead til LOONG after 50 – perhaps you won't want to spend all your time being miserable, because there ought to be a lot of it left. Of course I think I am the Dude (with boobies!) from the Big Lebowski so I have no business dealing with grown people problems.

          4. prommie

            Thats just it, I have no business dealing with grown people problems either, apparently for similar reasons to do with temperament and disposition. There is a hobo lives under an overpass on the road I take to work, and I pass by him every day morning and night, and I envy him so much.

          5. FakaktaSouth

            Why can't you eat the food you like? And you do not want to be a hobo. I already think you are in jail because of your weird internet access times…Come on now, don't be sad. It's because of your gf the performer who died, isn't it? See, if this was a movie (the kind from the 80s that you probably didn't like) I would all be smooching on you after you were sad about a person that died. Movies are great. Please don't be a hobo either. I don't mean to start making demands on you too, but good lord.

          6. prommie

            "And you may say to yourself, my god, what have I done." Ya know? It actually happens. She was in the fucking ice capades, aint that a hoot?

          7. FakaktaSouth

            Aw that is sad. (The Talking Heads thing AND the ice capades lady I bet she was super strong.) Stop making me be the god damn Rielle Hunter Healer. You CAN change! and all that shit. But you really should eat, listen to, read, watch, talk about and be whatever you would like. I'll put up with a lot of shit (I really won't) but dietary restrictions are grounds.

          8. prommie

            Don't you worry about me, babe, I'm already humming that "tomorrow" song from Annie, pulling up my big girl panties and marching on with things and such. Maybe I will buy some asparagus on the way home, dammit!

          9. FakaktaSouth

            And also, now you get to go home – while I am STILL painting these freaking cabinet doors, all because I couldn't stop playing on the computer.

          10. prommie

            Surely we are alone now, noone's gonna follow this thread this far down? ha ha, you are a funny one, though.

          11. ChessieNefercat

            "noone's gonna follow this thread this far down?"

            I did. I'm sorry, I was procrastinating, and now I feel like I sneaked into somebody's house to eavesdrop. I'll tiptop out now.

            And I hope you feel better! Not that i was listening in.

          12. Dashboard_Jesus

            hell I'm following the whole freakin' thing, and it's 4 AM…and I'm so drunk I can hardly find the keys to type! I feel like a voyeuer or whatever the fuck the french call it?

          13. Rotundo_

            You sound like my inner voice, Prommie. Some days the only thing to do is put on the mask and play on. I try to go into macro mode and focus on getting through the day, and then I wake up and it's rinse, lather, repeat. Groundhog day live!

          14. calliecallie

            Me too, I followed it all the way down. Prommie, Prommie, it's going to be okay. If you want to change your life, you can. Baby steps. Start with the singing, I think. In the shower. Or listen to your music in the shower. Or with headphones. But not headphones in the shower.

          15. ChessieNefercat

            Hey, prommie, I hope waking in the middle of the night to see all of our little pairs of eyeballs staring at you gave you a warm and fuzzy feeling. Aw, we care.

          16. FakaktaSouth

            Whew. You reckon? I'd FREAK OUT. That is one of my biggest problems with some of the gals I know who are parenting their husbands. I mean you want to talk about running down the road screaming?

          17. FakaktaSouth

            Okay, so now I am thinking about this too much, but whatever. I think maybe it's not so much about just a person making someone miserable as it is a whole way of life that can lead to this kind of "wait a minute, this is not what I meant to do" attitude. I mean, you spend all that time in school and work, doing all the things you think are the "smart" thing (including maybe marrying the "right" person) and then you realize that what everybody else has been telling you is worth working so hard for, ain't really what you have been looking for, or a way of life that is fulfilling and makes you jump out of bed happy everyday. I don't mean to profile my man prom specifically, I just mean in general, that can be a disappointing pain in the ass. (so can a butt head for a spouse though). Me, I like stuff (and exercise) too much to get worn down by what pisses me off (I've been living in my own personal reality ever since I became aware of where the hell I live though)

          18. Dashboard_Jesus

            ok I gotta be real (even tho I'm drunk as hell and haven't commentated in over a month) but that is the BEST Wonkette comment I've read EVER! (or maybe I'm just drunk?) ok one more time and I really mean it, try some yoga, it has really , truly saved my life (no snark, just booze talkin'…namaste)

          19. Dashboard_Jesus

            ok now I am gonna recommend yoga, or something like that…srsly it saved my life during the Bush years!

          20. Dashboard_Jesus

            that is the most awesomist blog post I've read in a long time…and I'm soooo glad I don't have kids to explain this to, also

    3. Chichikovovich

      I'm still clinging to the hope that the insanity spewing out of the Republican party is a last, desperate attempt to fight off the demographics that will kill them. Growing Hispanic population, young people who don't see the fuss about gay marriage, women gaining more power and voice, etc. The hope is to gain power and wreak as much havoc now (plus pass as many vote-suppressing laws as possible) before time takes its toll. And I'm hoping the clock will run out quickly.

      But on the other hand, I've made sure my kids both have Canadian passports, and they're learning French. Why take chances?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        That does seem to be the real contest: progress, vs. the right-wing retards who are using every imaginable tactic to hold it back.
        The scariest tactic is the indoctrination of young people in the fantasy world of Xtard "universities".

    4. MarionNYNY

      The better half and I haven't bred, but we are encouraging our nephews and nieces to either try to get a Euro Union passport themselves (Danish mom for two of them) or marry into the Union. I still spend a lot of time believing that Obama will win and the tea baggers are the last dying ember, blah blah, then I leave NYC and realize we are fucked.

    5. poorgradstudent

      I'm 30 and I have plans to put up a special profile begging for the chance to long-distance date men from countries that have legalized same-sex marriage.

    6. Dashboard_Jesus

      oh and one more thing…I've never seen a Wonkette post in all my years slinkin' around this site that had 54 replies, so WIN! (and yes I really really am THAT drunk!)

    1. not that Radio

      Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Nancy French?

  15. BarbdarTFlagass

    Those books about how to perform expert cunnilingus shouldn't be in the Sexuality section anyway, they should be in the Self-Help section. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

  16. Mittens Howell, III

    the most erotic year of your life with 365 sexual positions – or one position done with 365 missionaries.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I certainly read that as a position a day. Of course, just like when I got the entire seasons set of 24, I went through them in a weekend.

      Yes, I was a bit herky jerky after that and I barked orders at the pets as if their life depended on it, but…we survived.

  17. FakaktaSouth

    Learning about sex from books! OHMY! This lady needs to make sure she never ever lets her kids near any computer either, because I totally have the Oral Sex He'll Never Forget book. It began as a gag gift (pun intended) at a party for a friend who won't "do" that – and we all got copies. It's got lotsa Skinamax type pics, so lame when compared to ANYthing you can "click on" ever. But good try, lady.

    1. Mittens Howell, III

      I learn a lot about sex from books.

      I learned this from "Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far," by Bristol Palin: Don't do meth chicks.

  18. ThundercatHo

    Just cuz nobody wants to read your drivel, Nancy, you have to go and ruin the fun for everybody. Stupid cow.

  19. HistoriBarb

    How can Nancy French be sure all the other book stores in the country are hiding their sexuality books in shame? She will just have to visit each one personally. Get on it Get busy Double-check them all Nancy! You should be done by the time that youngest child is ready to understand all that sexuality stuff.

  20. MissTaken

    Sex is bad, but the Civil War books showing death on an unimaginable scale committed by our own countrymen is a-okay.

  21. BarbdarTFlagass

    I hope this lady never goes into a "newsstand" in Houston expecting to pick up a copy of the Chronicle and the latest Time magazine. Historicat knows what I'm talkin' about.

    1. HistoriBarb

      What? Just because it's 3 am I should be denied the chance to get a New York Times or other fine, legitimate publications?

      Stop judging, haters!

      1. Chichikovovich

        Relax, mon chum. Wonkette is a warm, accepting place. If you happen to enjoy the occasional glance at Chronicle of Juicy Hooters and Furry Fun Time, we are all absolutely cool with that.

        'Cause it's all about the love, man.

    2. AncienReggie

      Is Guy's News still in business? Great newspaper selection, plus tons-o-porn. Man, I loved that store.

  22. Texan_Bulldog

    Books-A-Million–isn't that like the Dollar Store of book stores? Figures Barnes & Noble would be too smart to be in TN.

    1. BarbdarTFlagass

      I've only seen one of those in Kokomo, Indiana. I guess they're kinda like Dairy Queens for rural bibliophiles.

      1. SorosBot

        I've seen them in the city, but at least the ones I've seen are just tiny mall bookstores with a horrible selection unless you're looking for a recent bestseller.

    2. FNMA

      When Borders died, Books-A-Million took over its spot in my town. It sucks. Assholes still haven't stocked my book, in my hometown.
      That, and when they took over for Borders, they said they'd hired a bunch of the people who worked there, many of whom I count as friends. BAM screwed them all. None of them got jobs.
      Fuck Books-A-Million.

  23. Callyson

    Plus, are we okay sending men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images?

    Hey, if they had had more pornographic images to look at in the antebellum period, perhaps the men would have been less inclined to institute that unpleasant business about slavery in the first place. Thus saving us from having to fight the Civil War and kill a bunch of people. Why does Nancy French hate life?

  24. Mumbletypeg

    Congats on helping make "Oral Sex She'll Never Forget" a thing your and others' kids of reading age will Always Remember, Missus French!

  25. starfanglednut

    While we're rearranging the bookstore, I suggest we move all right wing literature to the fiction section, and books on the archdiocese to true crime.

  26. elburritodeluxe

    President Sarah Palin's Press Secretary ghostwriter has saved the day! I don't want small children to see that! By that I mean conservative liars flogging their books.

  27. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "I have a four, an eleven, and a thirteen year old, but they hadn’t seen the display"

    Good idea. Keep them all, especially the thirteen year old, ignorant as to the subject of sex.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      The more I read about the people who've surrounded Bristol Palin her whole life, it seems like God's great miracle that she hasn't had a dozen kids already.

  28. MissTaken

    There, right next to the nice Sexuality section (this is America, after all) is apparently a “Regional Cooking” section, showing various cooking techniques in plain view. And when I cooking, I mean cooking.

    1. Nostrildamus

      Right next to the Civil War section, showing the War of Rebellion in plain view. And when I say rebellion, I mean treason.

  29. JustPixelz

    "… next to the nice Civil War section…"

    First, I wonder what she meant by "nice". "a section about the nice Civil War" or "a nice section about the Civil War". Probably about the nice war, except how it ended. (It is Tennessee, you know.)

    But she's right. I've been told many times by many women that sex is worse than war. Now I understand what they meant. (whew!)

    Cheer up lady. In a few years that book store will be gone. Your kids will get all their books from the internet, where there are no pornographic images whatsoever.

    1. Guppy

      There's nothing more pure and wholesome than a Minie ball to the gut!

      Maybe her kids would rather see the field surgery displays in the National Civil War Museum. The mannequins demonstrating a field amputation are nothing but good, clean fun!

  30. Callyson

    “But my kids would learn exactly how to have sex simply from the cover”

    And if more kids learned how to hone their sexual skills, the world would be a much better place. Make love not war!

  31. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This bitch would be a lot less uptight if she just took that oral sex book home to her husband.

    1. SorosBot

      Oh but a guy married to a right-wing prude is probably the type of asshole who refuses to go down on a woman; she probably won't give him head either.

  32. DerrickWildcat

    Speaking of Sex, Heidi Klum is on QVC right now selling some jewelry shit. I saw that she was actually taking calls from customers. So since she's single now, I thought I'd call in and act like a customer and ask her for a date. I think we'd hit it off because I have kind of a fucked up face and she seems to be attracted to that. It was a no go. You have to buy one of those stupid things to even have a chance of getting through to her. So no sex tonight.

  33. Dildeaux

    Who the fuck actually walks into a bookstore and buys books about secks. Twattertoobz is the preferred pron delivery device. Thats what the kids tell me.
    But I do know this…anus licking causes sepsis. Must seek doctors assistance or death in 30 minutes.

  34. MissTaken

    Spoiler Alert!

    Oral Sex She'll Never Forget ends with her having an orgasm. I know, shocking, right?!

    1. SorosBot

      Wait, women have orgasms? But I thought you were just supposed to passively help us men enjoy ourselves!

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yeah, right. Like that ever happened. If God had wanted women to have orgasms, he would not have given them England to think about.

    3. ChessieNefercat

      "Oral Sex She'll Never Forget ends with her having an orgasm."

      Thank you! I thought maybe it involved the oral sex provider dressing up like a toucan or the alien from Alien or maybe just wearing a Carmen Miranda headdress. Those would certainly be unforgettable, if not orgasm-inducing.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Think of Amazon.com, but where you can't also buy a TV and dominatrix equipment at the same time.

    2. MissTaken

      I think it's like the internets with their blogs and such, but for some reason the blogs are printed out on this stuff called paper. But be careful! That 'paper' can cut your finger and sting like a sonofabitch. Best to stick with the interwebs.

  35. smashedinhat

    For the good of the human race these troglodytes shouldn't be allowed to breed. The horror just goes on decade after decade, generation after generation.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Well that ship has already sailed in Bristol's case. But not to worry, she's magically regained her virginity with a combination of ghost written blog posts and reality TV.

        1. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

          A lady orgasm is one where she has sex with her good Christian husband.

  36. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I agree with Bristol that the only thing you have to do "oral" to a women is get the 'coolers down her throat. The rest will come naturally, if you know what I mean.

  37. Chet Kincaid

    Uh, what can you get out of a book that you wouldn't figure out by just tongue-crawling the field of battle until you get a response?

    Oh wait, I thought we were talking about finding Civil War relics with a metal detector.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      "…tongue-crawling the field of battle"?? Oooh, baby, will you give me a drag on your avatar-cigarette when I'm finished thinking about that?

  38. Baconzgood

    I wanted to show my kids someone getting their heads blown off with a cannon and instead my kids saw 2 people making love! I'M OUTRAGED!!!!!

  39. glamourdammerung

    Actually, what happens is that Republicans tear off the plastic covers and then whine to the staff about the pornography.

    /worked in a bookstore while in school and dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

  40. SayItWithWookies

    Nancy French — ensuring that the next generation of Tennesseans will be lousy lays. Really if we're going to be imperialists I would hope that the soldiers we send to invade foreign lands could at least be ambassadors for good sex — but no, we'd rather export death, fear and stupidity.

  41. randcoolcatdaddy

    We walked through the “Sexuality” aisle and found that they had, in fact, kept their word and removed the books from the sight of shoppers.

    Don't worry, shoppers, they'll put them all back out when the batshit crazy lady gets escorted from the store.

  42. Fairtackle

    I am sure that when the husband and kids are away she likes nothing better after taking nice long bath than going to the bedroom in her bathrobe, turning the lights down, lighting a few vanilla scented candles she picked up at wall-mart and lying back on the bed with a nice Civil War picture book in one hand and just letting the other hand work its magic.

  43. OneYieldRegular

    I have a feeling that quite enough damage has already been done to her kids.

  44. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Thank you, Books-a-Million corporate headquarters and Books-a-Million Spring Hill for helping parents protect themselves – and their children – from seeing these inappropriate images.

    …of Bristol Palin as success story of any. Fucking. Thing. At. All.

  45. ChrisM2011

    "right next to the nice Civil War section"

    So which part was nice? The countless number of dead American soldiers or the slavery?

  46. larrykat

    Holy shit, her 11 year old will "learn exactly how to have sex" from just one gander at a book cover? That is one smart kid.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      This is the South. If the 11 year old is a she, what she learned from the book was to remove your dust jacket, lie flat on the table/bedand then open you "pages". And, don't say anything. And, get me a beer after.

      Sorry, I lost my thoughts on this one.

  47. gurukalehuru

    I think by putting the sexuality section next to the Civil War section, Books-a-Million is sending a not so subtle message: Fuck the South.

  48. Chick-Fil-Atheist™

    Just proactive, preventive thinking… but should we warn Nancy about the interweb?

  49. Jus_Wonderin

    I learned everything I needed to know about orgasm from the Maytag Heavy Duty setting.

  50. Steverino247

    I can think of several ways to make a woman "never forget!"

    (None of them involve Rudy Guiliani, either.)

  51. Tundra Grifter

    The photo of the attractive young woman on the cover of the oral sex book appears to have been taken from, well, behind.

    Perhaps I'm failing to keep up here, but shouldn't that picture have been from the front? Wouldn't that be a much easier stance – at least for starters?

  52. supernoun

    "Plus, are we okay sending men over to read about the Civil War, only to have them see pornographic images? "

    OH MY GOD THE MEN! THE POOR, INNOCENT MEN!

  53. bikerlaureate

    Thankfully, no damage had been done.

    Keep telling yourself that, Mom.

    Sexy sex sex sex SEXXXXX sex sexy sex! Sex sex sexy sex!

  54. RavenRant

    OT, but would anyone like to collaborate with me on a graphic novel featuring "metrosexual black Abe Lincoln?"

    I am thinking time travel, steampunk, a colorful collection of friends with special powers…

    1. HistoriBarb

      I have no artistic abilities at all so my help would be limited … but I would commit to buying that graphic novel.

      1. RavenRant

        I see you have been absorbed into the Borg Barb Collective.

        Resistance is Futile.

        Someone around here has to help me make time-travellin' steampunk metrosexual black Abe Lincoln a reality! I can't do it alone!

  55. Wile E. Quixote

    I'm pretty sure that if you made a list of all of the factors that contributed to Bristol Palin being the annoying, pathetic cheap, trashy, narcissistic attention piece of shit mother of a bastard attention whore that she is that spending too much time in bookstores, would not be on that list.

  56. chascates

    "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."
    –H.L. Mencken

  57. Doktor StrangeZoom

    Huh. So I suppose the fact that I didn't have a World-Class Freakout when I found out that Kid Zoom (a week short of 15) downloaded the "nude mod" for Skyrim means I'm a bad parent?

    Mind you, I did roll my eyes and heckle him about it. A dad's got certain expectations to live up to.

  58. poorgradstudent

    Um, Nancy, I grew up in a really conservative rural area without cable and before most people had access to the interwebs and I knew what cunnilingus was by the time I was ten or so, at the latest..

    You see, Nancy, that's kind of why it's not a bad thing for a kid to learn about sex from at least quasi-legitimate sources, even if (like it was for me) piecing together things from jokes off "Married With Children", 'cause they'll learn about it anyway, and you don't want their font of sexual wisdom to be some random fifth grader.

  59. aklibtard

    I totally remember not being at all interested in sex when I was thirteen. I barely jerked off 3 times a day.

  60. Tundra Grifter

    Just wait until Nancy French learns there's a copy of the Koran in the "Religion" section!

    Of course, this being Tennessee, it's been burnt a bit crisp around the edges.

  61. ttommyunger

    Book larn'n? Trace each letter of the Alphabet forward, then backward; slowly with the tip of the tongue…..fer starters. My experience is they will have to pull the sheets out of the crack of their ass by the time you're through.

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